Ormsby's

New and shiny things are few and far between... So when a new joint opens up, the first knee jerk reaction is to love it and that's that. But the new Ormsby's ain't no Great Gatsby... It's more like The Great Gimmick.

I think I saw this joint on "As Seen On TV"...Along with the Manket, Mighty Putty and Liquid Stitch. As with all gimmicks, they become mundane and buyer's remorse sets in. C'mon, who on God's gween earth does not have a George Foreman grill? Better question yet... Who still fucking uses it? The only thing I'm pressing with mine is my Star Wars iron-on transfers on my tighty whities. I wish they still made Underoos... Boo.

Anyhoo... The space is pretty cool (somehow reminds me of a bigger Cypress) but the whole new-fangled "secret location/no signage" schtick just spells out "Speakcheesy". Halo did that back in 2000... Yes, 10 fucking years ago.

The bocce, shuffleboard, backgammon (WTF), et al, are just marketing gimmicks to appear more exciting than it is, kinda like the Ove-Glove. Besides being a total waste of space, I'm kinda scared of the bocce court... It's like a scene out of the Shining or Buffalo Bill's lair. If I see twin little girls in blue dresses or a full grown man in a Slanket doing the tucky with 'Goodbye Horses' playing in the background... I'm fucking 86'd, yo!

Speaking of 86.... The menu is just a jumbled mess with too many words jammed into one sheet of paper. 86 the gimmicky relatives' names for every dish, I felt like I was at a family reunion in a double-wide. You got all these uncles and aunts who prolly are brothers/fathers and sisters/mothers or all of the above. The "chef" was watching the game at the bar socializing with his friends. To make things worse, the bartendress didn't know what a Pimm's cup was nor did they have cucumber according to her while I stared at this chick's salad next to me with a shit load of cucumbers in it. I asked a food blogger friend of mine if he ever ate here, he said "Hell, no!" Hmmm...

Abe Froman "Chicago Style" Dog - First, Sloane Peterson's grandmother dies and now this... I think the chef pulled the old "dead grandma" routine as well and went AWOL. No natural casing, no nuke green relish, too many poppy seeds and just a total mess to eat... It's more like "South Chicago Doggie Style". Abe Froman just Rick-rolled over in his grave. Never gonna give you up? He Lied.

Uncle Lenny's Shaved Roast Beef - I don't think I want to eat anything shaved by Uncle Lenny... Let alone his beef. This 'roast beef' was of a color I have never seen before and full of fat. Horseradish sour cream was tasteless but the pickled red onions was alright. Do I do even wanna know what's in Uncle Lenny's beef jus? Squirt.

Ale Battered Onion Rings - Jesus, where am I... In a novelty shop? The fake dog poop is a timeless gag but not on my plate. The batter was way too thick as were the onion slices... Just make it into a bloomin onion, you're half way there already for crying out loud.

Hand-Cut Fwies - Prolly the best and most edible thing of the night. I guess when everything else was so sub-par, the most pedestrian thing tasted the best.

I spied the Calamari and Popcorn Shrimp... Look liked a Pinto just had an oil change on it. The Chicken and Dumplings looked exactly like the picture on the Progresso can... Tres chic!!! The Corn Dogs were about the size of the corns in my dog's you know what... Squoosh. The cotton candy... Lord, have mercy. If you want to pretend the food is good here, go right ahead and lie to yourself... It's ok, everyone knows already.

I want to like this place and prolly will go again (only to drink, not eat) but there are just too many gimmicks to this place that everything else gets covered up. Focus on the service, menu and the drinks... Especially, the drinks. When you are asking patrons how to make a drink and telling them you don't have cucumbers with a supposedly full kitchen, that's pretty bad... "But oh, we have a bocce court though", great, nice balls. This joint is best suited as a get drunk, nice shoes, wanna fuck kinda place, nothing more... As evident by the blonde who just ordered a Red Bull and vodka. Bring out the Gimp...

Now, W(here)TF is the pisser??? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Splash.

1170 Howell Mill Rd NW
Atlanta, GA 30318

(404) 968-2033

www.ormsbysatlanta.com