Tostones Latin Cafe

Taco Bell. Muerto.

Alvarado's. Difunto.

Tostones. Vaya con Dios.

The 3 strike rule always applies to a restaurant in the same location... Especially, when it comes to the same theme/cuisine. Tostones is the newest reincarnation in this cursed location. No one knows why this space is cursed because it isn't that bad of a location. There's a bunch of restos within walking distance that have been around for years and making money. Plus, a brand spanking new giant QT just opened across the street. Talk about free advertising from all the traffic that goes through there. They spent a decent amount of dinero to change the look and feel of the place. It's definitely nicer inside since Alvarado's. But how is the food?

The menu includes hot dogs, hamburgers, tacos, tortas, Cubano, tostones, burrito bowl, maicitos, quesadillas, arepas, salchipapas, pinchos kabob, and even a fucking chicken finger basket! It's basically a plethora of trashy and grubby eats. Their two items that they highlight are the tostones of course and Cuban sandwich. Cubano? Fuck yeah! Well, that's all you have to say, ese... I'm totally down syndrone with that. Let's drool, er, I mean let's eat...

Cuban Sandwich. Looked pretty decent, huh? I'm getting a stiffy. The bread is nicely pressed but it ain't no Cuban bread but it'll do. The fillers looked decent, too. Can this be a contender? Only one way to find out. First bite, got a huge dollop of mayo squirting out. WTF, yo?! There is no fucking mayo in a Cubano. Period. At least they kept the lettuce and tomatoes on the side, gracias a Dios. It needed more pickles and mustard. Overall, it wouldn't be a bad Cubano if there wasn't any mayo in it. Kinda disappointed that one item can ruin such a classic sandwich. Keep tweaking it and you may convince the pouch that it's better than that Crappy Cuban on 14th Street... Does anyone even know if that dump is still open? Does anyone care? Next...

Toston Ropa Vieja. Marinated beef w/cheese, sofrito. I lurv me some old clothes, they are so tasty... Especially, soiled underpants. More skid marks the better... But this didn't smell funky enough. This meat didn't cook long enough so it was still too tough and not even a hint of a tomato stew base. I guess the spoonful of sofrito was there to trick people into thinking that it has been stewing all day. I asked them if they make their ropa vieja early in the morning so that it can develope that amazing, homey, cozy, comfy, taste that only an abuela can make... And of course, they fed me a big fat lie and said "Si". Look at this thing, it's like pulled pork from a can with some crappy chow chow on top. The tostones were ok, a bit dry but passable. This is the resto's specialty? Christ, who are you kidding? Have you not look at the previous business before you? They failed because they fucking sucked a big fat dick and y'all are lubing up to do the same.

Seriously, yo... Based on the two best dishes that they offer, they gotta do better than the slop the previous concepts/owners dished out in the past. Once again, for the second time in one week, I see owners of a brand new spot just sitting around and pulling their puds. Get in the goddamn kitchen and do it right. This is not your own personal man cave.

Until this days old "Latin Cafe" do a 180 in the kitchen, it's just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode once again in this cursed space. Wake up motherfuckers, you can do better than this.

Fair Rating.

5499 Bufored Hwy
Doraville, GA 30340
770-936-3000
http://tostoneslatincafe.net/

One Eared Stag - Revisit

Another visit (again) to one of my favorite, adventurous and most consistent resto in town... I can't say enough about their approach to the culinary scene in this town.

Check it.

Hot chicken.

Coddled egg, crab, giant shroom.

Uni butter, radish.

Pork belly, tomato, melon.

Head on prawns.

Hot Italian sausage sofrito, creamed polenta.

 

Eton mess.

Carolina golden rice pudding, preserved peaches.

Red wine fruit thinger with cream.

Good shit.

Go ahead, say it with me...

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.


3.5 Stars.

1029 Edgewood Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30307
404.525.4479
http://www.oneearedstag.com/

Ammazza

First, there was Antico, then the war started with Varasano's and then came Double Zero, Sapori di Napoli, Fuoco di Napoli, STG... And now another army has entered the Napoletana 'Za battlefield. Behold, Ammazza! Well, that's what they want you to feel and say when you take your first bite into their Napoletana style pizza. It sounds like a challenge... So, let's gear up and get ready to bash some heads in.

The space is pretty fucking rad. Love how they kept the warehouse design pretty much intact with all the bricks and shit. You walk in the front, order at the counter and then swing around to the dining room and bar in the back. They're sporting two gorgeous Forno Bravo ovens (what? not Acunto?! so fucking hipster) but I hate how they put it inside a room with glass windows. It should be in open space, so you can have that all important interaction between the pizza makers (not pizzaiolo, not yet at least) and the guests... And also to the feel the heat from the ovens and the smell of the goods. C'mon, that's pizzeria 101. The windows are almost contemptible. Mebbe they should just cover the windows with limo black tint or Venetian blinds (even though they're not of Venice origin). It's spews elitism... Mebbe they can start a club for the "in the know" patrons.

Two Forno Bravo ovens from Northern California (http://www.fornobravo.com/). I fucking hate those windows. You can't smell the shit cooking and barely can see the construction of your goods. Their process of delivering the grub from the oven to the slicing table to your table is a logistical nightmare because you will have too much traffic (guest and staff) going through the same area if it gets slammed, one day. Did I mention how nice those ovens are? Let's hope it produces the goods up to the pouch's standards.

Pretty frickin' cool space. There is a lot of seating and table space if it ever gets slammed packed, one day.

Carnosa, Italian sausage, pepperoni and homemade meatballs. They list this under Pizza Fritta which they claim it's the street food of Napoli. Let's hope they can reproduce it here. I asked the counter staff how do they prepare it, like a fried calzone or a fried pizza... They didn't know except that it was their "favorite". The staff training of the menu seems to be off to a good start. I'm sure everything on the menu is their favorite... Isn't that so with every resto? So, this dish will be a toss up, a mystery, a surprise... Cool. If it's anything like the shuttered Pizzeria Fortunato's (which is now Siracusa's NY Pizzeria- total garbage) fried calzone, I would not be disappointed. But... Look at what came out. It looked like a bloody placenta oozing puss from an incision made by a RIT (Rabbi In Training). It was kinda like a hybrid between a fried pizza and pizza fritta. The fried dough needed more time and color, it was too light and bit undercooked inside. The texture reminded me of the fried crullers that I eat with my congee. Was it bad? No, not at all if I was at Ming's with a big bowl of congee with pork and 1000 yr old eggs. I didn't like how they pour sauce all over it which made it all soggy, it defeats the purpose of a pizza fritta. The shape of this thing still makes me laugh... In Napoli, they are two small round disks of dough pressed and stuffed with sauce, cheese and other fillers inside it. The meats inside this specimen were all pretty good (supposedly all locally sourced), there were just too much dough, hence the frying problem. But I guess beggars can't be choosers in this limited option town.  

Inferno, spicy sopressata, house mozzarella, calabria peppers and basil. Their answer to the infamous San Gennaro at you know where. I didn't say "Ammazza" when it came out, I was like... "A-Hmmm", let's take a look at it for a minute. Dough had nice char to it, the crust had a nice spring, the house made mozzarella looked a bit suspect to me, the Calabrian peppers were acceptable and the basil was baked with the pie which all shrunk and turned black. What bugged me the most was how they sliced it. It was fucked up to say the least... All different sizes. If they did that on purpose to make it look rustic or cut by a blind man, I don't know what to tell ya, yo. How does it taste? Fucking salty as a fucking saltlick. Deer don't eat pizza nor do they carry a credit card, bro. I noticed they folded the edge of the crust over a little like how Cameli's does it... Why on this type of pizza? Baffling. The sauce while they say it's San Marzano (I did see the cans briefly from afar) but it didn't taste like it one bit. The sauce was just too loose and watery, it will just start to separate when it hits that high temp inside the oven. And it did. The mozzarella was too dense so it didn't melt that way it should, it even chewed a bit rubbery. Ugh. The center of the pizza was incredibly limp and soggy and of course got worse with every passing minute (that's what she said)... That's prolly because the dough needs more work, it's not cooking properly in those awesome ovens. The spicy level of this Inferno pie was passable but I still can't get passed the saltiness of this thing. At $21 a piece, the staff needs to get back to work on this. STAT.

Money shot. Reminds me of a Roti Canai.... Where's the curry with cheekan thigh? Looks like the rolls of the fat chick I slayed after that one frat party back in college. She was a beast...It breathed fire.

Margherita, house mozzarella, fresh basil and extra virgin olive oil baked to perfection. I, for one would never say "baked to perfection" for anything... Wait, strike that, I have been so baked before that I felt like perfection... But that's another story. Nevermind that and let's get back on track here. Look at this thing, does it even remotely look like a beautiful Margherita with vibrant colors? Yeah, that's what I thought. First off, there's just way too much cheese, this ain't a fucking pizza from Little Caesars. And the cheese didn't melt properly, clumpy and way too dense. My buddy who cooks straight noodles down the street poked at it and said this is basically just a bad cheese pizza. I had no retort. The sauce was even more watery than on the Inferno, it was almost nonexistent. While one side of the crust had perfect char blisters, the other side was not so lucky. I don't know what they're doing but this dough recipe needs work. It's not a bad dough, it's just not working that well with their pies. What they did with the basil is just plain criminal... Has no one ever told them that the basil goes on top at the end and unadulterated?

Given that they don't adhere to the strict VPN standards of a true Napoletana pizza, one would think that would give them some wiggle room to make some crazy sick ass pizza. Double zero flour, bufala mozz and San Marzano are all must haves but everything else is fair game. They state that they source locally for meats and such which is a good thing if they continuously do it. For a brand new place that just opened, you would think the owners would be actively (if not obsessively) involved with the entire operation, but when I looked around one brother is checking on customers while the other is sitting at the bar doing whatever the fuck he's doing but it ain't got anything to do with running a business. What's even more surprising is that the owners who had some level of affiliation with Antico are not even cooking the goddamn pizza... That is just plain fucked up. This is your business! Why wouldn't you want to produce the best product you can with your own hands to christen your new endeavor instead of leaving the ship up to some hipsters sending out Cameli-esque product?

I like everything they have done here and they have everything in here to make a great pie. They're on the right track but it's still a work in progress (long ways from being consistent). Let's hope they (owners) get more hands on and get them a little dirty because the stuff coming out of the ovens were not on my level of crave-worthy-ness, not even close... Like when I first had Antico's San Gennaro on their first day. That was impressive, most impressive and I still remember it to this day. Get to work Ammazza or else you'll become just Anotha-Mess-A like Fuoco.

No wet dreams to be had tonight... Mebbe a soggy one.

Developing...

591-A Edgewood Ave
Atlanta, GA 30312
404-228-1036
http://ammazza.com/

We Suki Suki

Hey, baby. You got banh mi East Atlanta?
Not just this minute.

Well, baby, me so hungry. Me so HUNGRY. Me love food long time. You party?
Yeah, we might party. How much?

Fifteen dollar.
Fifteen dollar too beaucoup. Four dollars each.

Four dollars is all my mom allows me to spend. 
Okay. Four dollar each.

What do I get for four dollars?
Everyting you want.

Everything?
Everyting on dac biet.

I dated chicks like this before... Cute as all hell but filthy as fuck. Reminds me of a cute chippie I once mowed down who had a toilet that was totally black, she didn't clean that nasty thing once since 1986 but anyways... This shotgun shack is the perfect spot for a concept like this. An incredibly simple menu that even my retarded cousin can understand. The owner goes by the name "Q" like in the James Bond flicks but don't let that fool ya, she's a helluva lot hotter than Desmond Llewelyn. But no matter how cute she is (she could make a pair of overalls look guud), the place is still a dump. It's visually unappetizing and it just feels dirty like a roach, er, I mean waterbug, could jump on you anytime. Watching them construct the sandwiches were ghastly... I mean, I have eaten in nasty alleyways all over the Orient for some kickass grub but those places doesn't even come close to how this place made me feel. I didn't want to sit or touch anything up in this piece. All I wanted was my sandwich and boba tea... To go.

Classic Dac Biet "Special Combo" and The Original Taiwanese Boba Tea. First things first, the baguette... It had a nice crispy flaky crust but the inside was a little stale as the chew was a bit gummy. Not awful but for $4, you would expect it to be made that morning (as we all know, fresh banh mi bread can last up to a good 12 hours), this was at least a day old bread, you can smell it... Hey, it's cheaper, whities won't know the difference after they toast it. Now, the filling... I was pretty upset when there was no grilled BBQ pork to be had. It was either the dac biet, a lemongrass cheekan or a tofu. You know what I ain't eating... Tofu for $4? No thanks. So, the dac biet it was but the quality didn't even stand up the middling joints on Buford Hwy. Anyone comparing this to Quoc Huong, Lee's or Huy's is only fooling themselves... No matter how intown and convenient it is for the hobos, er, I mean hipsters. The "meat" filler was second rate (even for a banh mi), it didn't have that gelatinous headcheese we all come to love. It tasted more like thin slices of SPAM.. Not that there's anything wrong with SPAM. I didn't even notice if there were pate in there and the special mayo had no distinct taste to it. The do chua lacked the pickling time to give it that sweet and vinegary taste. Mebbe it's because the Sriracha totally masked the flavor. I also tried the lemongrass cheekan banh mi, really nothing interesting to report on that specimen... Except that it mighta been better if there were marinara and mozzarella on top, hmmm. The boba tea was pretty rank and the tapioca pearls were undercooked, make sure you get them to dump a shitload of Longevity sweetened condensed milk up in that piece. Werd up.

Bottomline: This was just a poor attempt to duplicate what you can get on Bufo Hwy... There is a reason why you drive the 18 minutes to Chambodia, to get the good stuff. Love the effort and excitement by the owner but EAV gets what EAV deserves... As I would say to my good pal, Carl Spackler~ "We have a pool and a pond. The pond would be good for you."

We sucky-sucky. Me no love you too much.

Fair Rating.

479-B Flat Shoals Ave SE
Atlanta, GA 30316

http://wesukisuki.tumblr.com/
(404) 901-6992

Pollo Tropical

A bunch of Latino grilled chicken joints have come and gone like dust in the wind in this town... The most recent was Pollo Loco. I like them for a quick snack from time to time but I wasn't surprised by their mass exodus from Atlanta, again. I don't miss them at all because the cheekan love of my life is only moments away at the corner of Ponce and Boulevard.

I heard decent things about Pollo Tropical. They have been opened for awhile, so, I guess it's time to make a visit and see how they stack up on my crave-worthy scale. The place is cute and pretty much everything is corporate inspired. The place was not packed nor was it empty... A few people here and there but nothing a well trained corporate staffer can't handle. But what made me laugh was the mass amount of grilled chicken piled 8 high, 2 deep and 15 wide along the back of the grill. WTF is going on?! It's like a cheekan holocaust up in this piece! Who were they expecting... The entire Falcons' team? What scared me was that they were all just sitting there getting dried out with every passing minute. I hope they're not re-introducing them the next day as freshly grilled. But I think we all know the answer to that question... 

Let's grab a quick bite and inspect the goods.

Trios - 1/4 Chicken, Wings and Ribs with Yellow Rice, Beans and Caribbean Corn Souffle. I tell you what, this was a decent deal for the amount of food you get. You get a nice sampling of what's offered here. All the meats were fine, they were not fresh off the grill with juice oozing out with every bite but you really don't expect that either. The beans were ok but the yellow rice and corn souffle were pretty good. They also have a bunch of sauces and salsas to bath all your meats in it... Most were pretty blah (like the curry mustard thing), so stick with the hot sauces.

This place is a nice alternative to the other crappy fast food joints that dot the landscape in this area and y'all know how much bullshit there is around here. It's not the best grub in the world but it's not garbage either. Stop by the Brooklyn Water Bagels across the way and grab some bagels to go afterwards.


1 Star.

2955 Cobb Pkwy #910
Atlanta, GA 30339
770/612-9775
http://www.pollotropical.com

Czar Ice Bar

Some people are so fucking stupid in this town. They believe everything they read. I usually challenge anything that doesn't seem to add up and there's a lot of fuzzy math up in this piece. I've been here for drinks only and never had the "sushi"... Mostly because it was such an oddity in a vodka bar, it's like putting in a taco stand by Sanchz Sanchez in the corner of Joël Robuchon.

Another reason I stayed away from the "sushi" was their relentless PR promoting this sweet little old man as some Master Sushi Chef in the entire free world. Who is this mysterious master of fish hiding in the corner? Does anybody know who this self acclaimed Master Sushi Chef Saito Saito is? Because I am totally fucking baffled right now. What are his credentials? What world renowned restaurants did he put on the map? Who did he apprentice under and where are the apprentices that worked under him? No one seems to know, it's like a goddamn Jason Bourne dossier... Not even Google knows! Red flags all over da place. This town drove out Soto but somehow have embraced this man of mystery as the only Master Sushi Chef in all of GA? WTF! Enough of my bitching, let's take a closer look at this place because I have to see what all the fuss is about on this Ojii-san.

"Ice Bar" is a word I associate with the likes of Affliction, Tap Out, Ed Hardly, Von Douche, True Relesion and Sasson. It's a fad, a trend, a gimmick... It gets real tiresome after every cougar and milf has had their fill. Every time, I see that stupid horseshoe on the back pocket of some fat heffer who thinks she's hot, I just want to kick it so hard with my steel toe Palladium boots. The infused vodka cocktails are catered towards these types of women as expected because no man can drink something that sweet, not even their boy toy MMA fighters in training behind them. I have ordered a few bourbon/whiskey drinks before but they were pretty shitty, so I stuck with the less syrupy vodka drinks.

Look at those lovely vag-cocktails. Oh, the bar is one giant slab of ice. Whoop-dee-doo... Who gives a shit but it did make my nips hard, though. The bar is so annoying because you can't put anything down on it except them drankz.

The menu is a horror film, one roll after another. The chef's specials is filled with cream cheese, mango sauce, sweet chili sauce, sweet and sour sauce, et al... All the tell-tale signs of a true sushi genius. Except for one thing... The sushi were not coming from the sushi bar, they were coming from the back room. That corner sooshee shack was there for show! What a crock of shit! I thought he was doing a Houdini trick or something... One minute he's there and the next he pops out from the back door with a plate of sushi. Now, I had no choice but to order something from the broom closet to see what exactly is going on. The only problem was... What to order? There were no omakase, no sushi and sashimi combo (only a la carte)... But they did have a "Mixed Fish Fest (Sampler)– Tuna, Salmon, Shrimp, plus 2 other fresh fish" on the Chef's Specials menu. That sounded like a nice little sashimi sampler to get a feeler for this Master Sushi Chef's skills and product selection... That is until the bartender (who was very lovely, friendly and had a nice rack of lamb) told me that it was "cooked" and not raw. What? What did you just say? Cooked sushi? Fuck me, this gets better with every sack shrinking freezing minute in here. So, she directs me to her favorite dish on the entire menu... A ceviche. She said it's raw fish on a light citrus/vinegary sauce thinger that "I will want to suck it up with a straw because it's that good". Yeah, that's what I said... And then she hands me a straw. I took the bait like a schmuck...

 

Mixed Fish Ceviche. I shit you not, it looked like Rainbow Brite just took a dump on this plate. What is all that shit on top? It looked like the fish were growing pubes... Someone needs to fishscape me thinks. The pieces of fish were stack on top of one another... For a reason. Because they were hacked up like chum. There were holes in them, all different size and shapes, just mush them together and sprinkle this shit on top to cover it... Throw them off by strategically placing raw red bell peppers around the plate, then finish it off with sweetend rice wine vinegar. They won't know what hit them. Look at this thing... It's like a Mexican Fiesta in Alaska.    

Since, I was slummin' it anyways... I ordered the worst roll ever invented, the California Roll. Just for shits and giggles because it couldn't get any worse. Although, it looked like it was put together by Helen Keller... Surprisingly, it was quite edible. But what is that green thing on top? There is no fucking parsley in sushi! What is that hiding on the other side? Oh joy, more friggin' red bell pepper... What is this? The San Gennaro festival? ...Well, there's enough sausage in here. Pass the hero roll, brah.

What can you really say for a place like this? It's out of place for an area that is swamped with bad keg beer, Polo shirts, brown braided belts, boat shoes, triple pleated khakis shorts and the omnipresent backwards college cap... The only thing it's missing is the Bocce ball court. The place is a gimmick and everything inside it from the infused vodkas to the Play-Doh menu. After one look and taste of the sushi, the only Master here will be you on the throne... Splash, squirt, flush. I do feel bad for that little old man being forced to work past midnight... It's past his bedtime! I hope he has his Depends on...

Fair Rating.

56 E Andrews Dr
Atlanta, GA 30305

(404) 869-1132

http://www.czaricebar.com

Bishoku Sushi

Since, Miso Izakaya started doing their homemade Tonkotsu again, I was getting the hankering to see who else were still serving a respectable bowl of this delicacy around town and how they would compare. So, it looks like the same usual suspects are all still serving it and nothing really new on the scene to get that excited about. Alright, which do I try first... Hmmm, I haven't been back to Bishoku in a long time, so, let's go see how they're doing these days... 

Not much has changed, looks exactly like how I left it... The servers are still cheery and adequate. But the food, has it gotten better or did it remain the same? Time to find out, pouchy pouch...

Tonkotsu Ramen. Hmmm, looks cute. Stirred my spoon around and noticed how watery it was. Rut ruh. Took a sniff, eh, smelled like nothing. Ok. Took a sip, meh, suspicions confirmed. Oh, dear. No lip smacking stickiness from the collagen (because there were none), no deep complex notes from the pork bones (if any were used), a tiny hint of some chicken carcass for sweetness but a true Tonkotsu broth this is not. I cautiously suspect a powder soup base that was enhanced. The noodle itself was acceptable but I hated how they mixed the noodle with a ton of bean sprouts... Sometimes I would like to get a mouthful of just noodle. Your mom knows what I mean. The pork was ok and the other pickled filler were just that, filler. PS- Stop with the nori sheets, it does nothing for this noodle bowl. Why did the image of the McNoodles just popped into my head? Weird...

Bento Box Tidbits. Ginger carrot shit and miso juice. Standard issue filler freebies.

Bishoku Bento Box. Not a bad little tight box... I've had munched on much tastier boxes but that's another story. Mix of sashimi (usual suspects) and an assortment of tempura (shrimp and veggies). It's totally fine for a quick and filling lunch but if you expect quality grade fish, keep fishing. The price point of this may be a little steep for your average working schmuck.

Fish Bait Tasting. Daily selection of fish chum for your oral pleasures.Why bother?

Fried Oysters. Tasty little crunchy nuggets of sea snots. Chinese yellow mustard gave it that extra little kick. 

Seafood Tempura Udon. Looked and tasted like a doctored up version of the packages you buy at the Oriental markets, along with your rugs.

Hamachi Kama. If it's on the menu, I order it... Yeah yeah yeah. Shit was aight... Except it was served upside down. It lacked that crispy and crunch skin and the steamy flesh inside when you open it up. At least they have it, beggars can't be choosers. Werd.

Sushi and Sashimi Omakase - All this shit came out on one plate. WTF? This was not Omakase, it was a combo from Ru San's menu. They might as well include the check with this because this sad display tells me they have no time for you to enjoy the showmanship of an omakase. I wonder if Jiro dreams of this sooshee. The best part was the servers trying to tell me that this was the Real Deal Omakase-field and you also get a tuna roll with it. You got that right, sister, I got fucking rolled alright... Goddamn, Rick Rolled for like 50 bucks of chum. That mofo, said he would never let me down and hurt me. Liar. The otoro was more like toro, shit was sinewy as a sack of bull balls. Y'all don't believe me? Look at the pic. Look at it...

You would expect more from the people behind the original Sushi Huku (which has gotten better after they sold it)... But even with all that experience, it lacked attention to details and customer expectations. Especially, using the word "Omakase" on the menu but getting something else entirely. It's like me telling you that Dim Sum comes all on one plate. No carts, no selections, no pointing your fat finga at things you have no clue about, no fun, no nothing. Duh, people, didn't you know that Dim Sum means "a bunch of shit on a plate"?

Bottomline: It just didn't do it for me, not that it had before but I hoped for the best in time. There aren't many crave-worthy places these days anymore. If I dream about it that night, wake up still thinking about it and still think about a week later... That's crave-worthy. Sushi Huku's omakase is one of them, this joint ain't one of them... But they could be if they really wanted to. But at the end of the day, it's good enough for the locals around here like the pond is good enough for Carl Spackler.

You go home now, fatboy...

1 Star.

B111, 5920 Roswell Road
Sandy Springs, GA 30328
(404) 252-7998
http://www.bishokusushi.com/

Harold's Chicken & Ice Bar

Chicago is a great food city with some of the best restaurants in the nation and the world. And, of course, Chicago is also known for their casual foods like hot dogs, Italian beef, steaks and pan pizzas. Fried chicken is not one of them... But there is a local favorite which some people swear by, Harold's Chicken Shacks. How would they size up to the famous Southern fried chicken down here? Time to find out...

Half Chicken Mixed. You get a breast, leg, thigh and wing... Your standard mix, cool. Crust looks pretty nice. Crispy and hot as expected with a light coating, but their "peppery" flour mixture lacked any real seasoning or just not enough of it. All you taste is the oil it was fried in. I opted out on them dousing their "hot sauce" all over my cheekan when I found out it was just regular old store bought hot sauce, either Texas Pete or Frank's... Yeah, the server didn't know which and it's suppose to be one of their signature moves on their chicken. Frank's is definitely better than Texas Pete but come on, seriously? I got it on the side to see which sauce it was... And, yep, it was the crappier one, TP, not surprised. Was it a bad fried chicken? No, but it won't compete against many other local favorites in town, not even close. I would say it was similar to Church's old recipe, where the crust is thinner and crispy but super greasy inside, before they changed it a couple years ago to be more on par with Popeyes' crust. And of course, when you deep fry cheekan more than necessary, the white meat gets dried out but the dark meat still came out ok... Which is exactly what happened. The fries were dusty old brown bag fries that were not even cooked properly- limp, tepid and starchy inside. The tiny plastic sauce-cup size of coleslaw was not bad. Oh, there were also 2 slices of white bread on the bottom to complete the Harold's signature chicken plate, to absord the runny grease is my guess.

Gizzards & Wings. I love gizzards but these were just ok. They didn't seem like they were parboiled or brined in buttermilk prior to frying. They were put through the same bland flour mixture as the chicken... I think everything on the menu is. While it was nice and crispy, the gizzards itself were just a bit too tough. It was like chewing a giant rubberband. The wings were average size but also over fried and came out dry on the inside. But yet the fries were limp and cold, once again. This was served with their "mild sauce" splattered on top but ask for it on the side because that shit turned out to be just ketchup with a squirt of the cheap TP hot sauce. That's worst than the Big Mac's secret jizz.

A pimp chasing a ghetto pigeon with an axe. How. Fucking. Awesome. Is. That.

This cheekan isn't gonna blow your mind... But the cheekanhead around the corner definitely would for a piece of that bird. It's comparable to Curly's on the westside but I think Curly's handle their product with a little more care and finesse. And their enhanced store shelf hot sauce is better, too... But that doesn't say much, either.

This is quite the joint if you're into greasy fried foods, incoherent local dialect and unbearable loud music (especially, with a band playing). For me, it isn't crave-worthy enough to risk life and limb late at night and that ice bar gimmick will never catch on (two "ice bars" in this town is one too many). I didn't even get a drink (I know, how sacrilegious!) because I saw how some of the drinks were made... Ah, no thanks, I rather take my chances on the water here. I don't see a long future unless they start doing chicken and waffles but hey, you never know... Look at Waffold. Oops, my bad.

1 Star.

349 Edgewood Ave SE
Atlanta, GA 30312
(404) 577-0001

Heirloom Market & BBQ - Revisited

When I found out about this new BBQ shack that was opening up in nowherenearanything fucking Bartertown almost 2 years ago... I knew there would be something special about this dump the first day I set foot inside this latrine size dining room.

One would think the mix of Southern and Korean flavors would clash in this semi-serious BBQ town... But the owners did something fucking out of this world. Incredible BBQ that would turn this town upside down. They have been slammed ever since my initial review during their first week of opening. I mean slammed everyday like your mom, the weekends are a mad house, the lunch rush seems never ending. I have been here so many times and tried everything including all the prototypes... And nothing was ever garbage. Even their worst test product would beat the best product on some BBQ menus around town. They even had to expand their kitchen work space by removing the 2 smokers inside to a shed built outside. They installed more walk in coolers, added more warm boxes and you can even eat outside now on the porch. 

So, let's check back in and see how this lil shack is doing... 

The Kit Special, half portion. What wha? This is a half portion? I usually get the full portion which is about 3 trays full of everything available in the kitchen but I was watching my girlish figure before a night of heavy drankin' at Dragon*Con. Look at this platter. The brisket is always sick, the tender as hell ribs looked like they came from a fucking dinosaur, the smoked chicken wings are addictive, the awesome pulled pork makes me want to pull something else, the fried okra, brunswick stew and mac n cheez all can't be beat. Yeah, this shit is that good.

The best new favorite item of mine is the Heirloom BLT.... Fuck me silly and call me Sally, this shit was awesome. Marinaded pork belly, smoked and sometimes finished off by searing it in a cast iron with a fried green tomato and an "Asian" slaw deal. This was just a half portion and at around $8 for the full size sandwich with a side, it's the steal of the century. Go get this now.

The BBQ is great and of course the most ordered menu items but a lot of people forget about their selection of sausages. This one here is a gator sausage. Snappy casing and juicy tender gator meat inside. Good stuff.

This little place is busy all the time for a reason... Because they are consistently good and the lines prove it. This is my go to BBQ spot, I used to love Fox Bros but they fell off my radar with their poorer quality these days and Community Q is also a viable option for tasty meats. Oh, and don't forget about Heirloom's KFC on Wednesdays... Which was considered by the AJC as a "Hot Chicken". No fucking way this is even close to a hot chicken from Prince's in Nashville. Why would they even put that in the article is beyond me, mebbe they should actually go and eat it before writing about it. The only way it would be even close to be considered a hot chicken is if you put a shitload of that "Lick My Balls" hot sauce on it... That hot sauce is da bomb!

Burp.

4.5 Stars.

2243 Akers Mill Road Southeast
Atlanta, GA 30339
(770) 612-2502
http://www.heirloommarketbbq.com/

South City Kitchen - Midtown

I have not be in here for years, so, I thought it would be nice to see how they were doing these days... Especially with all these celebrity sightings and all up in this piece. I mean if it was good enough for Owen Wilson, it's gotta be good enough for this lowly obeast pedestrian.

First of all, I still find it pretty amusing that a college bar is operating 2 feet away where the dress code is basically getting out of bed and putting on a pair of slippers. I saw a guy walk up the same shared walkway at 9PM without a shirt and holding a flip flop in his hand. I'm sure SCK isn't exaclty thrilled about that since a majority of their client base isn't ordering Irish Truck Bombs with their white table cloth dinner. But whatever, it's working I guess... Let's get to the important stuff, the menu.

White table cloths here and tighty whities 2 feet next door definitely makes for an interesting dining experience if you're sitting outside or facing the college bar next door.

Biscuits and Cornbread. Cute little fillers to draw your attention away from the beer funneling and heavy petting on the patio next door.

Cup of Old Charleston She Crab Soup, fresh cream and sherry. Oh, man... When I see Charleston She Crab soup at a resto that is not in Charleston, it's usually a challenge to get it right. What makes a Charleston She Crab soup is the crab roe and sherry or else it's just a plain crab soup you find in a can. Another characteristic of this classic soup is that the consistency should be between a bisque and a chowder. This version was acceptable but it should not be called a Charleston She Crab, there were no roe to be found, a few tiny pieces of crab and the consistency was too watery... All you have to do is dip the spoon in the soup and see if it coats the back of the spoon without dripping off. They should just call it a creamy crab soup because it just wasn't all that impressive.

Fried Green Tomatoes, goat cheese, sweet red pepper coulis and chiffonade of basil. I didn't get the red pepper coulis and chiffonade of basil... Those are fancy words that culinary schools use. Let's face it, most diners have no clue what the fuck a coulis or a chiffonade is... It's like me using words like a short straddle or correlation coefficient. No one knows what the fuck you are talking about nor do they care. Diners want choices that they understand in simple language. What's more simple than a fried green tomato? Nothing... Except when you start introducing words patrons don't understand. This dish doesn't need a red pepper coulis, it does better with a vibrant san marzano sauce to  enhance the lovely and crispy green tomatoes that were spot on. And you don't need to tell people how you cut the basil either, not even in Fronch.

Buttermilk Fried Chicken, bliss potatoes, garlic collards and honey-thyme jus. The infamous dish that people rave about... And reason to. Nice crispy coating all the way around but it was a tad dry. Not that it was bad but you know a great fried chicken when you take your first bite. The taters weren't all that blissful, it need more butter, seasoning and a touch of cream. Collards were ok as were the jus. It was a nice dish but pretty much standard with other places on this level. To me, this isn't a crave-worthy dish... You know why? Because I didn't have a wet dream about it.

Smoked Pork Chop, lady peas, snap beans, pickled rhubard and liquid bacon. When we heard the words "pork chop", what do you think of? A piece of meat with a bone hanging out of it, right? This depressed me like the lamb shank at Pricci that came out in a bowl like wet Alpo. Where's the friggin bone, yo? So, asked for medium-rare+ (should be ok at 145ish with pink inside), sliced it open...

This is what I got. Looks like a 40 second seared tuna steak on all sides with raw center... Where's the sesame seed crust? Pass the wasabi and soy sauce, pweez. I mean this shit isn't pink, it's fucking translucent! 145 degrees just went to take an ice bath. It had this texture that seemed like it was previously frozen. I mean you can definitely tell if it was fresh or defrosted. Was it sous vide? I had no clue, neither did the server. Sent it back to get a little more heat in it. I have one theory as to why this piece of pork came out blue... The bloody red heat lamps all over the kitchen, especially, right at the pass where the chef is expediting. How can you tell what temp a piece of meat is when everything in front of you looks dark red and hot? I know a good cook can tell the temp by touch but when I pushed down on it on the first time, it felt med-rare... Until you cut into it. Weird.

Ok, it came back out a little better, it's edible. But... Why is it so fucking SALTY?! Holy shit, I like salt but this kicked my ass. Put it in a doggie bag because I wanted to see if my dog would eat this. Yeah, that little fucker inhaled it. He doesn't give a shit if it's salty or not, that piece of meat never even touched his taste buds on this tongue. Come to think of it, I think he's a honey badger... He just doesn't give a shit about anything. Lazy fuck. Anyways, the lady at the next table saw this incident and ordered her "pork chop" extra-well. Touche.

Banana Pudding, banana pastry cream, ripe banana, housemade vanilla wafers and fresh cream. Tis was aight... Except the bananas were green as hell.

White Chocolate Cheesecake Bread Pudding, Spiced blueberry compote. WTF. Nevermind.

I can understand why people like this place, it's safe. The menu is so safe that it's boring... And it's been this way since the beginning. No wonder why I haven't been back in so long. I could not wait to leave, take off my shoes and go next door for a Jager shot.

1 Star.

1144 Crescent Avenue Northeast

Atlanta, GA 30309 
(404) 873-7358
http://www.southcitykitchen.com/midtown/

Tonkotsu Ramen... Who's is it?

So, a friend of mine and I were discussing how ramen sucks a big dick in this town... And how people think all the ramen joints in the greater metro area are so genuine and getting what they pay for. Well, sorry to break it to y'all.. But most places don't make the broth from scratch, a lot of them use powder base soups and just enhance them with some chicken and pork bones or sometimes none at all. That's fine if you're making it at home but if I'm paying for it, I want the real deal.

So, how do you tell when you're getting the real deal? Well, that's where a refractometer and the Brix scale comes into play. It measures the concentration of the soluble solids in the broth. Well, what the fuck does that mean in Engrish, Mistor Scientist? It means that bowl of tonkotsu broth will be da bomb! The higher the Brix %, the thicker/richer the broth is... Which means it's gonna be fucking good. So, he decided to make a batch of tonkotsu broth with pork bones from Gum Creek Farms. I'm not gonna get into the whole process of making the damn painintheass stock but a great tonkotsu takes time (dozens of hours) and attention to details... Making sure all the marrow, collagen, fat, calcium, minerals, proteins and whatever else is in them bones get properly extraction and converted into a stock full of gelatinous goodness... Hence the Brix %.

Darth Vader's light saber... Ok, I made that shit up but this is an actual refractometer, it's fun! Just don't use it on bodily fluids because that would be just fucked up... Believe me. So many sick perverted fuckers out there who wants to check their manhood with this instrument for science.

Ooooooh, lookie here... A nice thick rich bowl of homemade tonkotsu ramen. Look at the bottom of the pic with the top layer of broth congealing. Oh, you know that shit is for realz, yo... How do I know this? Because the refractometer said so... 19 Brix, bitches! Well, once diluted down it was about 12-13%... Which is prolly the consistency you want in a ramen, too thick is just too much. Ok, I could use about a 15 but that's me, though.

Eat it fast before it totally congeals! The ramen noodles were firm yet springy, the pork belly melts in your mouth, the soft egg yolk had the perfect run, and the broth had that amazing stickiness when you smack your lips together. This is a bowl I could eat daily. Some may notice why this is brown and not creamy white? Well, because it's suppose to be. The richer color broths are cooked longer than the pale ones. If you find a tonkotsu that is creamy white, you got fucked, it ain't tonkotsu no matter what the menu or gaijin cook says. Trust me.

After slurping that bowl down my pouch in under 5 minzies, I almost took a nap right there in my chair. Shit was good. I just hope someone in this town will make a tonkotsu that can rival this tasty bowl someday...

When I got home, I slipped into a coma for the next 8 hours. I didn't even go out that night... WTF.

Pump

Pump

Squirt

Oh, Miso horny!

The Big Ketch

When a fish joint is out of fried oysters at the beginning of service with only a handful of patrons in the place, that's a problem... When they say but we have oysters on the half instead, that's an even bigger problem. So, what you're basically saying is that we have oysters in the house but we ain't gonna use the fresh ones for frying. What happen to hospitality in this industry? That means your fried oyster app is either from a giant plastic bag from the back of a truck or from a bucket of factory shucked oysters sitting in warm salty water with preservatives. It's gonna be fried anyways, so, these fucking nitwits wouldn't even notice the difference between fresh and frozen. Looking around the place, I'm sure the majority of the Buckhead Betties wouldn't be able to tell, either. Know your customers' tastes and give them what they deserve.

I have been here a couple times before... And with each time it didn't get better. But I thought it would be better now since Shane Touhy has taken oven the kitchen head honcho position (he's also exec-chef at Milton's, too. Yeah, cause that makes sense). If anyone remembers, he was chef at Dogwood, a relatively decent upscale-ish "new southern" resto that went kaput a few years ago. They blamed the economy for their demise and not for their terrible location. So, what's the next best thing? A fish fry shack. Hey, this economy sucks dick, it's either occupy the front door of a greedy bank looking for handouts or take a job slinging fish sticks. But good for him, though, he's working at least... Let's see some of his work in action shall we...

Conch Fritters.The special of the day. Hmmm, special say you? I lurv me some conch frits... But these were just hushpuppies in disguise with a few tiny tidbits of conch or maybe it was calamari. Who woulda known the difference right? Damn you Bahamas for ruining it for me.

House Smoked Fish Dip - served chilled with pita chips or crackers. So, the menu says you have a choice between pita chips or shit crackers... But none were offered and when I inquired about it, server says it's only served with white trash Ritz. Thanks for nothing, Rabbit. The dip was ok, tasted like fancy feast in a can with Liquid Smoke and amped up Old Bay. Thanks for nothin', 8 Mile special.

Pepper-Seared Tuna - black pepper seared sushi grade tuna, cucumber salsa, dill, and a sweet soy chili vinaigrette. Is it me or does this tuna look like it had a bout of IBS? Someone get me some wetnaps, STAT... We got a squirter! Besides the dismal plating, the tuna was as expected and nicely defrosted to retain the bright coloring.

Crispy Fish Bites - served with lemon and tartar sauce. 2 out of 3 ain't bad... Who needs lemon juice on fried fish anyways. These weren't bad, crispy outside and steamy moist inside... 

Basil-Blue Moon Mussels - Prince Edward Island (PEI) mussels, poblano peppers, onion, fresh citrus, wine, smoked tomatoes and Blue Moon beer. Served with toasted bread. I'm getting tired just reading all those ingredients. One would think with such a descriptive dish it would actually taste good. We all know mussels are cheap as dirt, it's like $2.99 for a huge bag at H Mart (at least 3 doz in a bag)... But if it's made well with plump fresh mussels, I'll gladly pay marked up resto prices for it. 

Look at this poor excuse of a mini hatchet wound, PEI my ass. This salty gash looked like it was accidentally cured and smoked. Half of them were bad, tasted like a dirty hobo's taint that hasn't been wiped with a damp cloth in months. The other half were basically empty shells. The broth was like the collected foam from the beer tap trap, settled and warmed up. This was prolly the worst bowl of clam flap I have ever eaten in my life. They actually charged real money for this. Awful. 

Shrimp Po'Boy and Caribbean Lobster Bisque – slightly sweet & spicy with lobster, blue crab, tomato & island spices. I don't understand... What is going on here? I thought a po'boy used a baguette and not a Pepperidge Farm hoagie roll. A few slices of pickles and shredded lettuce make not a po'boy. The batter on the shrimp was so thick that it formed a dense protective shell that prevented the shrimp from actually cooking all the way through... Shit was translucent inside, mebbe this was a sweet shrimp po'boy from an izakaya. If the Death Star had that batter as an operational shield, Luke woulda been S.O.L. The Caribbean Lobster Bisque was quite the specimen... Oily, salty, tasted like tomato soup, not one bit of lobster and a spoonful of canned crab meat, look at how stringy it was. This was so piss poor, a soup kitchen would laugh at it. I don't know what to tell you... I'm as baffled as you are. 

Super Grouper - grilled, fried or blackened and topped with cole slaw & remoulade. Chickpea, Tomato & Cucumber Salad as the side. No way they can fuck up a blackened grouper, I mean it's basically a burnt piece of fish. Take a look at the filet, what color is it? A Filet-O-Fish is darker than that. No way this was cooked in a cast iron. Take note of the portion size between the coleslaw and the remoulade... Dyslexia in the kitchen I assume.The chickpea cum salad... You don't want to see a pic of it, let alone taste it. Next...

North Atlantic Grilled Salmon, red-jacket potato salad. Look at that plating... Mmm mm, just like how my college roommate plated our 2 minute and 15 second gourmet meals. Ding! But the salmon was fine, boring, like every other menu in town. The baseball shaped potato salad thinger... All it needed was red-stitching. Oh, and don't forget the giant cup of hard, over-cooked hushpuppies to pad my ever-growing ass with. If I ever lost an eyeball or ball, I know where to find a replacement.

Cold LOBSTER Roll (seasonal) – chilled lobster tossed with a touch of mayonnaise, lemon, and fresh herbs and served on a toasted brioche roll. I don't even know where to begin with this specimen... I think one look says it all. Absolutely hardcore... Hardcore like a used up 48 year old porn star, a lot of flap but not much pink. I should really be an optimist and look at that roll as half full instead of a half empty piece of crap. Parmesan corn on the cob on the other hand wasn't too shabby. Imagine that, a boiled corn on the cob, how do they do it? I want the recipe. Atlanta just doesn't know how to make a proper lobster roll... Makes me cry.

Don't ask. I have no clue what this creasture is... Placenta, maybe? Could also be the retarded cousin of the strawberry smoothie in a beer mug at Toulouse from the days of yore.

Like in baseball, three strikes and you're out... And I'm out of this stadium for good. There were more misses than hits in this grease pit. It's like a glorified Long John Silver's but with white table cloth prices. Everything on this menu is like roulette, you have one in 38 chances to hit a winning dish... Well, at least one that's acceptable. Ok, it wasn't that bad but the mussels were that it overshadowed everything. There is just no consistency or passion in the kitchen, nor do they know how to cook each dish properly. But it's wonderful for the Buckhead crowd, they seem to love it. There, I said something nice. Now, fuck off.  

Fair Rating.

3279 Roswell Rd
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-474-9508

http://www.thebigketch.com