LanZhou Ramen- Revisit

Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I keep coming back here as a goof just to see the ratio between roundeyes and slants. I look on Facebook, errr, Meta and all these crackers are marking themselves safe at LanZhou Ramen. Fucking pale skins. This place was such a gem when it first opened and the ex-pats were coming in droves to get some damn dericious knife sliced noodles. Anyone in the know will never order the regular old hand pulled spaghetti noodles... They don't hold sauce, broth or flavor well. Shit, I have never seen a real Eyetalian ever eat plain old spaghetti because they don't grab the sauce. So, after a year or two of noodle heaven, some fucking mook on Yelp or Eater posted that LanZhou was safe for the pedestrians and they started to infest this beloved noodle joint... To the point of no return. I stopped coming here for months because it looked like the waiting area of P.F.-fucking-Chang's with scores of homely Dragon-Con looking motherfuckers waiting to slobber away on the Chino spaghetti. I waited prolly a year before coming back here and while it was still filled with roundeyes, the volume was not as crazy.

I surveyed the perimeter and noticed all the gwailos ordering the same exact thing... Standard beef with thin noodle soup. And I mean all of them. There was a father and son, same fucking beef thin noodle soup. Fat cosplay furry hybrid creasture, fucking beef thin noodle bowl but with a side of flied lice... Fucking fried rice, make that shit at home, bro. A gaggle of pubescent broads texting each other at the table on what to order like they were coordinating outfits... Guess what they end up ordering? Fucking beef thin noodle soup because they have to be on the same level playing field just in case cute boys walk in... Sadly, one of the bros will have to take one for the team and jump on the grenade with the muffin top one. A Brookhaven family of four, ordered two of the same fucking thin noodle veggie stir fried noodle. Have any of these mooks ever heard of family style and variety? Obviously, fucking no. 

Let's hope the grub is still acceptable... So, I went twice within a couple of weeks apart to make sure they were still consistent.

Sliced Beef and Ox Tripe in Chili Sauce. Thank 8 lbs 6 oz baby Jesus that only the ex-pats orders this dericious app. They say it's beef and tripe but it is actually beef and tendon... Even better, ese! This is still spot-on and the portion is generous... Only comment would be it could be spicier. They do have chili sauce to drown it as much as your heart desires.

Chive Pocket Buns. These are basically Chino Hot Pockets. Great looking dough/crust and the filling was super chivey and I think there were bits of pork in there. I ate this so damn fast can't remember all the detz. But it's a tasty snack.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. These are usually hit or miss... Because they either burn the fucking crepe-like crust or it comes out all broken. This exhibit was totally acceptable but they got real fucking chintzy and give you 5 now instead of 6. Still worth it I guess... But the red-headed stepchild at the table doesn't get one.

Dry Fried String Beans. They have this dish pretty much on auto pilot... As good as ever.

Beef Tendon Knife Sliced Noodle Soup. Look at those ribbons of glutenous love. These noodles hold flavor so much better. There was a good amount of chunky tender tendon in there. The broth is still pretty good and savory. Not too watered down. Still a great bowl on a chilly day.

Beef Stir Fried Knife Sliced Noodle. Always have to get a stir fry nood dish... I know what y'all are thinking... Where's the beef? Chill out, Wendy, it's in there... They were all piled underneath the ribbons of noodles. Everything was correct on this except the goddamn broccoli. It wouldn't kill you to use gai-lan or Shranghai bok-choy.

On another previous visit...

Steamed Soup Dumplings. If you need a quick fix, these will do. The skin is a bit on the thicker side but the soup and pork inside were hot and juicy and pretty good flavor. I would probably get sucka'd in on these soupy dumps, again.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. It looks like it has leprosy. Big open sores throughout the crepe crust. It was crispy and the bun was good. It's always hit or miss with the crispy crust... They really need to get consistent on these... Because it's so IG-able.

Ox Tail Hand Pulled Noodle Soup. This is still one of the best noodle soups. The ox tail is plentiful and with a good bit of meat. I love digging for meat in all the crevices like I was picking my snout. Ok, if y'all were paying attention, this bowl had the thin pulled noodles... Guess who ordered it? A roundeye... Because they wanted variety instead of all knife sliced. I get it, bro... It was still good... Just for this one time. 

Lamb Knife Sliced Noodle Soup. This is more fucking like it! Chunks of lamb and thick ribbons... Damn this was guud. I wished they made a combo with lamb and tendon, that shit would be fire.

Pork Stir Fried Knife Sliced Noodle. I don't think I have ever ordered the classic bbq pork stir fried noodz... Because it's so common. Well, here it is and I must say it was pretty tasty. Would I order it again? Meh. Only if there was a redhead or blonde at the table.

Dry Fried String Beans. Of course, I had to order this... This is a must have on every visit. My mama mama mama san says you gotta eats yo veggies. It's always so vibrant and the crunch is spot-on.

Well, I have been here twice within 2 weeks apart and it looks like the gringos are finally waning off this noodle joint. Keep up the good work, gwailos. It was so unbearable coming here after the hype but the "influencers" got new authentic noodle joints to follow and IG about... Wagamama and Silverlake Ramen... Flush.

5231 Buford Hwy NE

Doraville, GA 30340

Whoopsie's

The era of the VID plandemic has been hellacious for the service industry... Especially, bars. This fat fuck had to drink alone at home and cry my-bloated-pouch-self to sleep every goddamn night for 3 years straight. An unprecedented amount of bars, restaurants and mom & pop shops shuttered around the nation and world during the scumbag authoritarian mandates and shutdowns. And in the wake after COVID, many new restaurants and bars started to open up but the only problem was they were all garbage. Not a fucking original thought, they all looked like franchised corporate bullshit. The menus were all full of overpriced low rent ingredients due to supply chain issues and inflation from re-opening demand. These chintzy motherfuckers all thought that people's palates were so dumb downed because a lot of people lost their taste from the VID and it was easy pickins' like shooting fish in a barrel. Let's keep charging $3 a wing (AKA Mkt Price) and see what dumb motherfucker will take the bait... And this was when wing prices started coming back down drastically like back to $6 for a 2.5 lb bag. Look at all the menus today and nothing has come back down... Not even fucking Mickey Deez dollar menu, you can't get shit for a dollar anymore. OK, maybe you can get a burger for a $1 at Salt Bae Burger giant liquidation in NYC... Everything Must Go! Including the sweaty salt grains that dropped from his elbow skin into his Z Cavaricci pants. Is it just me or does that mook kinda look like the demonspawn of Boris the Animal and Lilly from MIB? 

Let's get back on track here... Sooo, this tiny new bar opened quietly a few months ago and didn't get much media attention and it almost seemed like they didn't want it... They don't even have a website. But it didn't take long for them to get noticed through word of mouth. This was and is the type of bar that I love. Small, intimate, no fancy menu, no secret password or door that you have to go through a phone booth or bookshelf, decor like it came from a yard sale, they just focus on awesome cocktails and light and heavy snacks... Sold! Sign me up, mofos. Even with all the car traffic on Moreland, you would think it would be packed from opening to closing but if you look around, it ain't the best walking neighborhood in this stretch of Reynoldstown or Hobostown. But I fucking love it just the way they are... Just carry a 1911 or a couple of 9mm. BTW- they have a small parking lot around back but you can also park on the side streets.

Let's take a first look...

The cocktail/food menu is on a piece of paper which I love the simplicity but you are not limited to just what's on the one pager... Tim will make you pretty much anything you want. I just told him to mix it up and I will drink it. I really wanted to drink out of that one solo golden goblet hanging with the other glasses but he said that belonged to a VIP.. I can only assume it was Jesus' chalice. I sampled a few cocktails and they were all good and it changes regularly on the menu.

Old Fashioned. Of course, I got the tried and true classic... And they did it right with no muddling. Only amateurs muddle an OF. The Pouch approves. 

Champagne Velvet... The Beer with the Million Dollar Flavor with a Million Pesos Price. And they don't rip you off by upcharging this tall boy with a double digit price tag like other bars.  

Southern Snack Tray. When I was designing my menu a few years ago, I had an awesome item called the "In-Flight" meal and it changed monthly depending on where we were flying to and from. A lot of people have stolen the idea with these cafeteria trays... But I don't care and this snack tray was a lot of fun. Everyone loves to have an assortment of things to nibble on with different flavors, textures and mouthfeels. This was a winner or is that pronounced wiener... And I would slide it down my facehole if it was on the tray.

Burrata and Beets. Just a gorgeous dish.. The colors, presentation and taste was just spot-on.

Prime Rib. Jurassic Park just called... They want their brontosaurus back. Fred Flintstone is in da muddafukkin hizzah! Look at that juicy moist manmeat... I just squirted a lil in my underpants. That is a big fucking piece of meat, yo! And I wonder why I'm so obeast... BMI stands for Big Meaty Indulgence. Scientists use a merry-go-round to measure my body fat. Look at this beautiful specimen... There will be no doggy bag for this today. It's was succulent, tender, and juicy. The secret to eating this much meat is to cut small pieces of the gelatinous fat with eat bite of the meat which takes it to another level. The horseradish sauce is a bit runny but you don't even need it with all that savory jus pooling around Peter North's girthy flesh log. You can seriously feed 3 normal sized humans but this was just enough for one Marsupial Pouch. I don't eat prime rib often but shit, this was worth the price of admission. Then I rushed back home to evacuate my bowels and implode the plumbing...

This is one of my favorite new bars... It's a dive bar with class. And don't you fuckers ruin this joint for me... Or I will start writing up Daiquiri Factory, Moondogs, Johnny's Hideaway and Mr. C's as my favorite go-to watering holes.

Pump pump squirt..

1 Moreland Ave SE

Suite C

Atlanta, GA 30316

Cuddlefish

Brush was one of best sushi joints in Atlanta. The Decatur address was perfect for people who didn't want to deal with the Buckhead or Midtown crowds when craving top notch sushi. Yes, UMI, MF Sushi, Mujo, Nobu, Tomo, Taka, Hayakawa and Omakase Table are the primo spots to see and be seen but you have to deal with all the pretentious bullshit to get in there. Even all the other second rate sooshee joints are packed with wannabes that think rolls are sushi. I wished I got a nickel (ok, a quarter- adjusted for record inflation) for every time I heard a dumb broad say, "I luuuuv squooshie, but I don't eat the raw stuff.".... Ah, that's not what I heard, you look pretty handy with that sea cucumber in your facehole, ho. 

I was kinda sad when Brush announced that they were shutting down and reopening in Buckhead and re-concepting the Decatur space into a smaller menu focusing on omakase chef sets and hand rolls (temaki) but not the cone-shaped version we all know and love or hate. I'm not a huge fan of temaki but I'll admit that the spider hand roll at Kura Revolving Sushi is pretty damn tasty. I always thought hand rolls were a bit of a gimmicky anime type snack for children with the palate of a billy goat but the roundeyes are gobbling them up because they are safe like California rolls.      

Let's take a first look...

Temaki Sampler.

During happy hour (4:30-7PM Wed-Fri) they have 3 temaki for $20 up to $9 each from the regular menu and they also have a handful of $5 temaki to choose from.

Yellowtail Scallion Cucumber + Avocado Temaki (Traditional). The presentation is cute. They put them in wooden holders. They must have a ton of them because most people will be ordering at least 15 of these in one sitting. The yellowtail (and all the other fish they source) is fresh and quality. This combo is as traditional as you can get. 

Kabayaki Unagi + Avocado Temaki (Traditional). Grilled eel with sweetened soy sauce... Always a great bite. People need to eat more eel, it's so fucking guud.

Mentaiko Scallops Temaki (Signature), mentaiko mayo, torched, ao-nori. You can't see the plethora of scallops under all that charred jizzlobbery but I assure y'all that it was dericious and made me jizz a lil in my pants. 

Salmon & Citrus Temaki (Signature), sundried tomato, cucumber and lemon. The salmon color was spot-on and it melted in my pouchhole.

Salmon + Avocado Temaki (Traditional). I actually ordered the Shiromi Tartare but the server pushed the salmon button on his handheld because there was no button for the shiromi. He said he would adjust it but he never did and the Pouch got fucked again! I wanted that one so bad because shiromi is usually a white flesh fish which is mostly associated with madai.

Chef Set- Classic, $45.

I was gonna go with the Signature for $59 but I didn't want to over do it with the 5 temaki that I already inhaled and the rice was starting to expand in the pouch. The Classic would be a sampler to test out a good range of goodies they have to offer. I will do the Signature or Signature Plus next time... But it's hard to pass up on the plethora of temakis...

Black Pepper Edamame. Roundeyes can't get enough of these beans... I can take it or leave it. But the fresh cracked black pepper did bring some oomph to the usually boring edamame. And, of course, the wasabi and ginger packs another punch to the palate.

Tuna Poke. Not a very big portion but only about 3 bites. The focus is on the quality vs. quantity... And the quality is top notch as expected.

Sushi: Hirame and 2 Steelhead Trout (salmon). Hirame can be fluke/flounder or halibut but I would eat either one. I don't even remember what it tasted like because I inhale it... There were 2 steelheads so at least I remember to taste the second one and it was all good.

Snow Crab Salad California Temaki. Real snow crab, Eddie? Nuthin' but da best! Yeah, this ain't some shredded up surimi garbage AKA pollock... Ok, I admit I have made surimi (Neptune) salad before and ate the fuck outta it but that was when I was born a poor black child... Wait, I'm still fucking poor as a Denver hobo. This Cali crab salad seems very pedestrian but it was so guud in a low rent way.

Shiso Plum Cucumber Temaki. I don't do vegan sushi because it's such an insult but I got bamboozled into getting it... And it was interesting in a texture-flavor-mouthfeel kinda way. Would I get it again? Fuck no, brah. Give me raw snatch...

Sushi: Seabream, Yellowtail, Scallop. Now, this is the kinda snatch that I want to motor boat. This was so tasty, I coulda ate 10 tile plates of these.

Tamago Brulee. It's cute that they burn in their logo and name on the egg cube... While it was really nice looking, it was OK in flavor and texture. IDK, maybe it coulda been a bit more sweeter.

Spicy Tuna Cilantro Temaki. I thought this was a boba tea in temaki form at first glance but the spicy tuna is under all those puff balls. It was a nice bite with a hint of heat... I kinda wanted something big and bold to finish off the last bite but everything sampled was pretty damn tasty so it was not a disappointment at all. 

Apple Black Tea Cheesecake. Straight from their Momonoki menu... And it's pretty much spot-on. I'm not a big dessert pouch but it was pretty good... I would have prefer something lighter like a sorbet to cleanse the palate after all these bites. Not a complaint just an opinion.

I miss Brush like a motherfucker but Cuddlefish may be a better concept and price point for this area. It's more casual and approachable for people who claim they are sushi connoisseurs but regularly eats at Ru San's.

316 Church Street

Decatur, GA 30030

https://www.cuddlefishatl.com/