Penang

With all these "foodies" out there looking for the next new scoop and being the first to print it these days... I was thinking the total opposite, it's about time to revisit a few old school joints that has lasted the test of time. Some may still be good and some may suck a stiff cock these days but who knows until I put their junk in my mouth. Just remember to relax your throat...

Penang has been always a pretty decent place to grab a bite, but the surprising thing is that their Malaysian grub wasn't always their star dishes, the Chino dishes were often times so much better. But I'm sticking to the basics of what they do...

(Roti Canai)

Ah, the classic of the classics. Everybody orders this thing. Why? Because it's good. The chicken/potato curry dip shit could be a little spicier, richer and thicker but it's acceptale. They make like 8,000 of these things per day.

(Roti Telur)

Same shit as the canai but filled with scrambled eggs instead. It was pretty good but took like 4 and a half years to come out. Waited and waited, saw 3 tables come in, ate, paid and left before this thing came to the table. Could be a passive aggressive sign that I'm a fat fuck. I don't know, I don't speak Spanish, so couldn't understand them.

(Shrimp Puff)

Look at this friggin pic... It's as appetizing as it appear. Actually, it looked better before they fished it out of the trash can. Nice concept but execution sucked ass. Dried out, hard and tasted like old oil. They even knew this was a loser of a dish, they only used like 5 strands of shredded lettuce pubes. Not a speck of effort to even try to make it look pretty. They just gave up and so did my pouch.

(Pandan Ayam)

Redeemed themselves they did with this glorious display of fried cheekan wangs tied up like a two bit whore in pandan leaves. This shit was guuuuud. Crispy and juicy. Loved it that they cooked it with whole wings... It's not lazy, it's the right way to fry a wing.

(Penang Char Kway Teow)

Kinda like beef chowfun (their BCF is actually pretty good) and kinda not like it at all. It's prepared similar but with thinner rice noodles, eggs and skrimps. It was pretty decent. But won't get it again, unless, I'm really fucking wasted off my ass.

(Mee Goreng)

It was so fucking sweet. Edible, yes. Pleasing to the palate, not really. I would even steer the white devils away from this lame dish. This recipe needs a total revamp.

(Sarang Burong)

Their infamous fried taro birds nest thinger with chicken, shrimp, squid all up inside this piece. It's ghetto as hell, I know, but I liked it. The fraudie baby corn and stylishly trimmed carrot slices are so 1970's Chino grub filler. Gotta love it. I ate that entire thing. WTF is wrong with me?

This old mainstay still satisfies when you need it and hopefully remain reliable for years to come.

1.5 Stars.

4897 Buford Highway
Suite 113
Chamblee, GA 30341
770-220-0308

Olive Garden - Marilyn Hagerty, Guest Reviewer of the Month

THE EATBEAT: Long-awaited Olive Garden receives warm welcome

After a lengthy wait for Olive Garden to open in Grand Forks, the lines were long in February. The novelty is slowly wearing off, but the steady following attests the warm welcome.

My first visit to Olive Garden was during midafternoon, so I could be sure to get in. After a late breakfast, I figured a late lunch would be fashionable.

The place is impressive. It’s fashioned in Tuscan farmhouse style with a welcoming entryway. There is seating for those who are waiting.

My booth was near the kitchen, and I watched the waiters in white shirts, ties, black trousers and aprons adorned with gold-colored towels. They were busy at midday, punching in orders and carrying out bread and pasta.

It had been a few years since I ate at the older Olive Garden in Fargo, so I studied the two manageable menus offering appetizers, soups and salads, grilled sandwiches, pizza, classic dishes, chicken and seafood and filled pastas.

At length, I asked my server what she would recommend. She suggested chicken Alfredo, and I went with that. Instead of the raspberry lemonade she suggested, I drank water.

She first brought me the familiar Olive Garden salad bowl with crisp greens, peppers, onion rings and yes — several black olives. Along with it came a plate with two long, warm breadsticks.

The chicken Alfredo ($10.95) was warm and comforting on a cold day. The portion was generous. My server was ready with Parmesan cheese.

As I ate, I noticed the vases and planters with permanent flower displays on the ledges. There are several dining areas with arched doorways. And there is a fireplace that adds warmth to the decor.

Olive Garden has an attractive bar area to the right of the entryway. The restaurant has a full liquor license and a wine list offering a wide selection to complement Italian meals. Nonalcoholic beverages include coolers, specialty coffees and hot teas.

On a hot summer day, I will try the raspberry lemonade that was recommended.

There’s a homemade soup, salad and breadstick lunch available until 4 p.m. daily for $6.95.

An olive branch on menu items signified low-fat entrees. There is a Garden Fare Nutrition Guide available for customers seeking gluten-free food. And for those with food allergies, Olive Garden has an Allergen Information Guide.

All in all, it is the largest and most beautiful restaurant now operating in Grand Forks. It attracts visitors from out of town as well as people who live here.

Olive Garden is part of the Darden chain of restaurants that also operates Red Lobster. There are about 700 restaurants, including four Olive Gardens in North Dakota’s major cities.

Olive Garden has gained a following since 1982 with its ample portions and relaxed ambience. It’s known for its classic lasagna, fettuccine Alfredo and chicken Parmigiana.

Reach Hagerty at mhagerty@gra.midco.net or call (701) 772-1055.

http://www.grandforksherald.com/event/article/id/231419/

Coco's Chinese Restaurant

Yeah, yeah... We are know this was Wan Lai then Coco's then no mo' then back to Coco's. But this is just not any old dusty version of Coco's. They got rid of that shitty Fuzhou inspired menu and went back to the basics of Cantonese cooking. Why you ask? D to the muddafukkin T. Danny Ting is in da houz. That pisser supposedly got pushed out of Golden House, once they got the goods on his dishes and how to make it, they said "Adios, Chino!". Best thing that coulda happened to him because Golden House was so fucking bad. Not PF Chang bad, but Rice Box bad. Makes me wanna turn my C-Card in... That's Chino Card to you, crackers. But let's not dwell on that dump... Let's take a look at what the new Coco's have to offer. None of them speak a lick of Cantonese but the menu did the talking for them.

Take a gander at this, Ching Chongers...

Crispy Garlic Chicken - Fuck. I hate to do this... But Popeyes ain't got shit on this. Wait, I take it back. No, wait, can't we all just get along? This shit is GUUD. Thin crispy skin and super juicy innards. The fried garlic gives it that little sumthin' sumthin'. Half an order is more than enough for a normal human being but I'm not, so next time I'm going full retard with the full bird. Git it.


Beef Tripe and Tendon with blood sausage as a surprise. Look at that beast! It's like a giant fucking centipede crawling around on the plate. I lurv me some tendon and ginormous tripe. This shit was done right and the tendon melted like butter with all the sticky goodness from the collagen and the tripe had the right amount of chew to it. This is for Asians only, so, whities- be warned. And no, D.T. won't come out and describe it to you.


Intestine with Sour Mustard - Instestines are always a gamble because you never if it's clean thoroughly enough. When someone says to go eat shit and die, I usually order this dish... Because you might find some little brown nuggets hidden in the crevices of the intestines. This dish was done right, no shit stains to be found and I usually go into food coma afterwards. The sour mustard, onions and bell peppers balances the funkiness of this dish. Good stuff.


Eggplant with Minced Pork Casserole - This is what D.T. does best. Just stop with the dim sum, give it up, son. Golden House sucked so bad, I couldn't even get a chickenhead to blow me for a basket of har gao and shui mai. So, don't you dare start dim sum here... Which I heard from a little bird that they may be starting soon. Just don't it if you know what's best for ya. But anyhoo, this casserole kick ass. Verra tasty eggplant but coulda used a bit more pork. All his casserole dishes are good and they come out cauldron fire hot. Shit was bubbling all over the place, just be careful eating it, let it cool down a bit first, noob.


Shrimp Pepper Salt - Gotta love the backwardness of the name. But no matter how they say it, this dish is a winner across the board. This is the kind of cooking you expect from a cook who actually cooks and not looking for fame. Octopus Bar's version is tasty but this is the original. Still gives me morning wood dreaming about this nightly. Eat the heads or go home. Crunch.


Yang Chow Fried Rice - Every Chino resto prints it differently (Yang, Yung, Yeung, Yank, Yak, et al) on their menu but the main ingredients are the same no matter how you spell it... But this was a let down. The one ingredient that makes it a true Yang Chow fried rice is the Chinese sausage (that's what she said). With this dish becoming more and more popular at Chino restos across the nation, the interpretation has changed and most cooks decided to leave off the more expensive items in hopes no one will notice... It got Americanized and most people wouldn't know the difference anyways. You will never ever find a resto in Hong Kong taking this shortcut because without Chinese sausage, it is just a plain old fried rice. Not only was there not any sausage in this dish, there was not much flavor either, it was bland. This dish made me sad. Especially, from a cook who should know better.

Coco's is back in the game for now... Let's see how bored D.T. gets before he moves on to P.F. Changs. So, get your ass to Mars before this Cantonese home style cooking disappears. There's a lot of good stuff on there, so go hungry and go often... Before D.T. phones home and takes off with E.T. ...He did emerge from the cave for a few minzies and he was classic D.T. all the way in his shit stained wife beater, camo cargo shorts, white socks and guido black shoes. All class, all the time. Why do Asians dress like shit all the time? It's either Ed Hardly or they look like they just came out of a sewer. Stumped.

When they start doing dim sum, head for the hills, motherfuckers.

3 Stars.

4897 Buford Hwy
Ste #104
Chamblee, GA 30341

(678) 580-3063

Pricci

I haven't been back here in like 8 years or more. It wasn't that memorable. The only thing that I remembered, it was like Italian cuisine and it had this frou-frou atmosphere to it. It was fancy back then... Oh, how it has changed. Except for the really dated uniforms of white coats and black pants. I could only wonder what Gordon Ramsay would say about that. Wait, prolly the same shit I'm thinking... That fugly piece of shit 80's attire is revolting and needs to be burned.

It still looks like a nice place from the outside ( the calm before the storm) but once you walk in, it is total fucking mayhem. Did I just walk into Olive Garden or Taco Mac at lunch time? People running all over the place like chickenheads with their bodies cut off, it's visually unorganized, it's a chaotic frenzy. If this is the theme they're going for (the stereotypical NYC energetic Eyetalian resto), well, that scene was so 15 years ago. I mean, it's turned into a family restaurant, kids with sneakers on and digging for gold with their fingers 5 inch deep in their schnozes. What happened to this place? To Buckhead Life Resto Group?

So, why am I here? To try the newly launched monthly menu featuring different regions of Italy, ie: Torino for February and Sardegna for March. The menu looked interesting enough, why not give it a go and see if I have been missing out on something after all these years. C'mon, surprise me, tickle my sack...

(Freebie Filler)

It's pretty much your standard mixed breads and marinara with ricotta dippy thinger but others will describe it as either goat cheese or mozzarella. But what do I know, all I know it's white and creamy... And the broads in this joint were swallowing this shit down by the quart load. I had one bite and it threaten my manhood. I looked over and the cougars at the next table lapped it up like they haven't gotten any action in years. That's when I pushed it off to the side. A man don't need another man's filler. Next...

(Ossi Sardi - Roasted Bone Marrow, Pecorino Sardo Grainee, "Pane Frattan", Celery Salad)

The bone marrow was one of the better dishes of the night but it coulda used more color... Another minute under the salamander woulda made all the difference in the world. But not a bad dish, except for the Pane Frattau aka Sardinian flatbread which was a real snoozer. It was cold and bland, a reminder of store bought pita or flour tortilla. Lifeless. A little time in the same said salamander with the marrow woulda... Well, you know the rest. Oh, there was some green stuff on the end, too.

(Salsiccia Sarda - Homemade Fresh Lamb & Beef Sausage, Lentils Stew)

Not as revolting looking as No. 246's coiled sausage rope that doubles as a Halloween dog poop gag but not mind blowingly tasteful either. It was acceptable. Some will be turned off by the gamey-ness of it but I didn't mind it, kinda expected it... A little seasoning was all it needed to bring out the flavors of the mincemeat tube. Lentils are for senior citizens named Stew.

(Risotto Alla Catalina - Maine Lobster, Sweet Peppers, Onions and Saffron Catalan Style with Smoked Scamorra)

You gotta love the hand written cross out of the "(additional $5)" to $7 on the menu... The old bait and switch-a-roo. But whatever, if they're that hard up for a measly $2, fine, I'll pay it. Just make sure this dish will make me blow my load, along with my valet scratch. The half lobster presentation was nice and the risotto was ok. The dish just looked incomplete. I didn't taste the "Smoked Scamorra" aka Smoked Scamorza, thank God because I'm not a big fan with cheese of any sort in a shellfish dish (mebbe except a proper lobster mac). It all sounded great on paper but the execution was sloppy as a fat girl on a road bike. This was the only other dish that was the standout of the night, believe it or not. Wowza.

(Agnello Della Barbaggia - Braised Leg of Lamb, Cannonau Wine, Wild Mushrooms with Fregola Sarda)

When you see "Leg of Lamb", you expect a lump of fork tender meat with a bone sticking out of it... All I got was Alpo grade chunks of horse meat. Don't get me wrong, horse meat is super popular in certain regions of Italy... And Sardinia is one of them. Could it be? Naaaah, holy Fregola, Pope Benedict XVI!!! Seriously, yo... The more I look at this bowl and my dog's bowl, I can't seem to tell the difference. I'm just playin', this dish was boring but not that bad... My dog eats only Science Diet Lamb and Rice. Fuck me, this was basically lamb and rice. I'm switching to Science Diet.

(Liquore Alle Mandorle Di Bosa)

To continue with the jizzy theme... We have some almond milk to finish me off for the night. A happy ending tis was not with the approaching desserts...

(Coppa Della Maddalena - Amaretto Cookies, Almond Gelato, Vernaccia Roasted Ferrelli Pears, Sospiri)

Como? What is that? Those things hanging off the tin cup looked like the byproducts of a vage rejuvenation op. Just sayin'...

(Crostata Di Ostuni - Fresh Ricotta, Candied Lemon Tarte, 1000 Flowers Honey Gelato, Pine Nuts Brittle)

"X" marks the spot, alright... Bombs away Fat Albert. Splash. Could this be any drier, it was like eating the shavings off the floor of a woodworking shop. I like the yellow skid mark. It's very telling.

It is no wonder why I haven't been back in years. It's just forgettable in every sense of the word. I try to support local restos as much as I can but this isn't one of them... But people seem to enjoy it very much and they were packed. Just like the Olive Garden without the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks. The 22 year old escort at the next table with the pair of giant mams and Dorothy's red ruby slippers with 5 inch heels seemed to enjoy it very much with her 68 year old benefactor, she did ask for seconds on the bread basket and jizzy marinara and received it. And that's all the PR this joint needs. Word of whore, err, ass to mouth, err, whatever the saying, goes a long way... You know what I mean.

1 Star.

500 Pharr Road
Atlanta, GA 30305
404.237.2941
http://www.buckheadrestaurants.com/pricci/

Pannenkoekenhuis Upstairs

I love this city and the Dutch loves pannenkoeken aka pancakes. Who knew? Well, definitely not Billy Bob in his single-wide in upstate Georgia. Amsterdam isn't known for super awesome global cuisine in the past but in the last few years they have been moving up the scale for some really good food, thanks to a semi-healthy economy and a heavy tourism sector, along with a lot of great chefs from Europe/Asia moving here as well. Most people think their national dish is hair pie in the Red Light District... But pancakes is their unspoken national dish since they eat it any time of the day (breakfast, lunch and dinner). There are tons of pancake houses all around AMS but this one is supposedly the best of the best.

This one room "restaurant" is arguably the smallest restaurant in the city. Climb a flight of super steep staircase/ladder and enter a room the size of a large bathroom. Good luck finding a seat in one of the 3 tiny 2 top tables, but there is one table that can fit up to 5 peeps uncomfortably. Ok, it isn't that cramped... For a Monchhichi.

Rainbow flag means they have fruity pancakes that day.


Narrow/steepest stair case. It was like climbing a fucking ladder. If you're wasted, your ass is toast. And if you're not wasted, the day is. There's a great little coffeeshop called Kadinsky across the street. Go beforehand... And after.


Ceiling full of teapots. If one falls and splits your head open, that's a sign of good luck. That's what the locals told me in Dutch. So, I thanked them in their native tongue with a friendly, "Fahrvergnügen"! I think that means fuck off. My kinda language.


Smaller than my piece of shit kitchen. But it pumps out some dericious grub... I like pancakes! Pump pump squirt.


Dutch Hot Chocolate. These fuckers know how to make a proper hot coco... Unlike Cafe Intermezzo's water down sewage water that I had before I left for AMS. Another thing I love is their orange juice, every place does it fresh squeezed, not from that concentrate crap.


Apple and Speck (bacon). This shit is giant, fluffy and really good. They definitely don't skimp on the toppings. Gobble gobble, gone in 60 secs. Had to order me another one.


Bananas, 10x, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and strawberries. Shit was insane. Diabetes just called, they want their sugar back.


I don't even know what this was except it had pineapples on it. My buddy obviously liked it because I didn't even get a bite, that fat fucker.

This place is just awesome, if you're in AMS next, definitely make a trip here... Before and after a few visits to some of the local coffeeshops. Somehow, people get the munchies a lot in this city. And I thought I was a fat pig when it comes to eating.

Puff puff give.

2.5 Stars.

Grimburgwal 2
1012 GA Amsterdam
020-626-56-03

Urban PL8

Huff Road gets overlooked most of the time because of the mini mall that contains Bacchanalia/Star Provisions, JCT, TDS and Figo... But if you drive down this road, you'll find a couple pleasant surprises. Urban PL8 is not new by any means but you won't find many people living in Dickhater coming here to eat as oppose to west side inhabitants going to eat in Decatur Square. It is kinda a hidden spot for the locals. Which is fine by me. It's cozy but has the industrial feel with the big kitchen (there is a lot of wasted useable space back there), high ceilings and large windows. The menu is ever evolving, so that's a good thing. At least you know they aren't robots cooking the same boring crap over and over again. So, let's take a quick peek at some of the newer items on their menu...


Crab Claws. Don't expect giant stone crab claws with a ton of meat on it. They're smaller but still did the trick. The little spicy Asian/salsa-esque concoction wasn't half bad. But seriously, I don't think I would order this again, it wasn't bad but it didn't make me sit on the edge of my seat like at a monster truck show either. It's a been there, done that kinda deal. Don't be sad.


Puerto Rican Beef Wraps. I don't know what's PR about this... It was like a spicier version of a Manwich, except they put it on romaine lettuce leaves. Oh, no, how sacrilegious! Manwich meat belongs on crappy burger buns... Unbuttered and untoasted. This is a classic trailer park delicacy. so, don't ruin it, sport. But I kinda liked it, it was pretty good.


Vietnamese-style Banh Mi Angus Burger. Sounded interesting, gotta git it. They even asked for a temp but I was really skeptical, so, I went medium-rare. Came out looking burnt like a Tartufo pie but the inside was fucking spot-on med-rare! WTF! Yesss. But that was the extend of my enthusiasm. You can call it a Banh Mi burger but a Banh Mi tis not. The flavors were so jumbo-ed all over the place that it kinda negated itself, it just didn't work for me.


Falafel. A lot of people love this stuff... I'm not a huge fan of it but I'll eat it from time to time. The deep frying makes the garbanzo and/or fava beans taste so much better. But this interpretation was like a military strike... I was shocked and awed. This was not fried at all, it was a mushy spread that was cooked on a flat top. That's a first. Live long enough and you will have eaten it all... Unless you live in single-wide then it's just Count Chocula and spoiled chocolate milk... Or regular milk with dirt in it.

It's a cute local joint but the dishes are a bit rough around the edges. It needs a little refining because it seemed too cafeteria-esque. The service is friendly and attentive. They've been around for awhile so I guess they're doing something right and the locals seem to enjoy it... People enjoy Applebee's, too, but what do I know.

1 Star.

1082 Huff Road Northwest
Atlanta, GA 30318

(404) 367-0312

http://www.urbanpl8.com/

Mah Jong

Don't ask me why I was up in this Godforsaken area... I had to take care of some business, alright. Bills aren't going to pay itself. But anyways, I was hungrier than a Honey Badger after a 2 day hibernation. I woulda eaten a King Cobra, shiiiit. So, I'm driving along and I see this resto. Mah Jong?! I had to go in just on principle. No one names it that unless it's worth a gamble. You know the Chinos, we love to gamble. I would gamble your mom if given the chance. Let's place a bet on how this place would fare. Oh, I'm sure y'all know what I'm betting on...

The interior looks like the standard Americanized Chino joint... Fine, I'm ok with some slutty Chino grub. Even the menu is a copycat of any other places around. Can't be that bad right? The staff was awesome, super friendly, almost to the point they had to play the FOB role. It was too obvious. So, you would think speaking Chinese to them would garner some more authentic food... Guess it didn't get fully translated to the kitchen.

(Kick ass name!)

(Hot & Sour Soup w/ Chino Cracklins)

Holy shit... No, really, holy shit. It looks like the present I dropped off earlier this morning. But it didn't smell like petunias.

(Eggroll)

Did they really needed to use a whole plate for this thing? A little wax baggy twisted up on top woulda done the job. I know one of these sauces is Chinese mustard, but the other one did not look like duck sauce... I think it was Long Duck Dong sauce. Squirt.

(Shrimp Lo Mein)

For the love of General Tso... Why is there fettucini in my lo mein? Is this some kind of sick joke they're playing since the Eyetalians stole our noodle recipe 8,000 years ago and called it pasta like it was some new idea? Hey, Wang, don't tell them you're Jewish, ok?

(Szechuan Pork)

Why does this look like the lo mein dish? Szechuan pork? Not by a long shot, Szech me. Half of this plate was packed with canned filler and a few slivers of spork... Yeah, spork, a hybrid product that resemble pork when slathered in HFCS brown sauce. And speaking of brown things, that fried rice was at least a week old, it had whiskers growing out of it... Like the old man in the corner with the giant mole on his cheek. Cut. Me. Mick.

This was worst than slutty Chinese food... It was a floozy. Seriously, every round-eye within earshot ordered the General Tso's cheekan. The entire place was overflowing out the ass with HFCS brown sauce and they couldn't get enough of it. Some Emo kid at the next table asked for more sauce on the side. Where am I? I can't breathe... Someone open a window. No wonder why kids are so obeast these days. That diet Coke ain't gonna neutralize that quart of brown Sysco jizz you just swallowed, son.

What do you say when they ask you how everything was? They were such sweet people and I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so, I said it was good on the way out. As I got to my car, I turned around for one last look and I saw them pointing and laughing at me like some chump.

I got screwed again by my own peoples... I built the railroad that leads to your business, motherfucka. And all I got was a fortune cookie that said, "Thank you, come again, SUCKA!"

Flush.

No Rating.

1905 Scenic Hwy
Suite 650
Snellville, GA 30078
http://mahjonga.com/