Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Kaiser's Chophouse Revisit

The pouch was craving some thick juicy raw manmeat and there was no fucking way I was going back to LongHorn for their legendary steak so soon after I found one of Frankenstein's neck bolts in my Caesar salad... No matter how many mouth watering commercials I see on the TV with their chubby sizzling meatpuck spraying juicy grease all over the screen. It was tempting but I wasn't in the mood to bite into a Bosch spark plug in my chili cheese fries so soon. I needed expertly prepared manmeat without the worry of finding HVAC parts in my food... So, the second thought that came into my tiny pea brain for a hunky piece of beefcake was Kaiser's cowboy ribeye. Shit, why not, I needed to make a revisit anyways and see if they are still as good as my first visit. This joint ain't cheap but fuck it, what else am I gonna splurge on with my $50,000 millionaire budget. Jesus, who am I kidding? I can barely afford to eat here, let alone get to upstate Atlanta with gas prices these days. Maybe they're on Scoutmob, perhaps they will give me a discount or freebies with my old Yelp Elite card... Shit, they are not on Scoutmob... And they don't have a People Love Us on Yelp sticker on the door, either. Well, I guess the next best thing to a free meal is a credit card under somebody else's name... Thanks, Equifax! Suckaz...
Let's make an anonymous revisit and see how things are going these days...

A pretty decent Manhattan that was just boozy enough to get the pouch buzzed... Ok, maybe after 3 or 4 of them. Their bread plate thinger is still pretty tasty.

Snake River Wagyu Eye of the Round Steak Tartar. The first time I had it was pretty damn good, on this visit it was just as good as the first time. The little cubes of properly seasoned raw meat had a nice texture and bite to it. Can't really ask for more from this... I would prolly order this every time.

Hamachi. You know this classic Nobu dish has jumped the shark when a suburban steakhouse has this on their menu. It looked like a total confetti mess but once you dig in there for the hamachi, it was pretty good. But I don't know if it's a dish I would want to order every time.

Beef & Veal Meatballs Napoli. I don't even know how meatballs and sauce became a thing and started showing up as an appetizer on menus... Maybe it's from all these retards claiming to be gluten intolerant or whatever condition they made up for the season to socially cool... It's like putting a burger patty with ketchup as an app on the menu just to satisfy these numbnuts. But as for the meatballs, there were pretty good. It's kinda hard to fuck up meatballs and tomato sauce... Unless you used sawdust in the meat filler.

Beef Carpaccio. The best thing about this dish was that the meatflaps were not premade on the plate and tossed into a reach in... They did not stick to the plate and you could actually lift it off the plate to enjoy it anyway you like. Most places premake the plates and they just stick to the plate and breaks apart when you try to peel it off. Overall, this was pretty good just because of that reason alone. 

Wine break... This was a pretty solid bottle of cab from Napa Valley... Of course, it was marked up like 300%, but I still drank it without too much anxiety. This was like a pouch lubricant, it got me in the mood to swallow down some imminent massive manmeat...

Barrel Cut Beef Filet 6 oz., foie gras. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to sample their classic filet cut since I didn't know when I would be back... It was a nice little snack size puck of meat, but I had to add in the foie gras before those anti-'murica anti-liver antifa-shionistas spread their virus and bad fashion sense to the east coast and force a ban on this buttery delicacy. The presentation was a total snoozer, they just put the meat on giant empty white plate with the foie on top... But it was just a snack after all so I was totally ok with it. The perfect mid-rare filet was seasoned well and tender as fuck. Let the foie lobe sit on top for a bit to drip it's fat juices all over that ladyboymeat which will make it taste even more decadent. The filet ain't my first choice at a steakhouse because it's such a girly petite cut but damn, if it tastes as good as this, I would totally put a skirt on for it, even some Spanx to cover my muffin top.

KC Spaetzle w/ Onions Gruyere, Granny’s Creamed Corn, Grilled Asparagus w/ Aged Balsamic, Fried Onion Rings w/ KC Steak Sauce, Whipped Potatoes, Big Elbow Mac & Cheese, Mushroom Risotto. Jesus Christ, no amount of Spanx will cover up my muffin pouch with this spread of sides on the table... This is just obscene. How fucking much food can the pouch consume... Wait, don't answer that question. Everything on this table was good except the giant onion rings... I fucking hate giant onion rings, it just doesn't make sense. You just simply can't fit that shit into your cum dumpster with that girthy diameter. And we all know that it's sacrilegious to cut up onion rings into bite size pieces because they just break apart into pieces. It's like cutting up a footlong, you just don't do it.

Kaiser's did it again... This joint had another very respectable showing of the talent in the kitchen and the quality of the ingredients spoke for themselves. The pouch was left happy, buzzed and bloated after this spread... Until the check came... Oh, excuse me, I need to wash my hands cuz I just soiled my underpants... Then I realized the name on my new credit card was John Cock... tos... ton. And we all know how generous those Scotch/Romanians are when it comes to splurging on dinner like caviar, lobster thermidor, Dom Perignon, bloody mary, steak sandwich and a steak sandwich... But tonight, the Underhills will be paying the tab.

5975 Roswell Rd
Sandy Springs, GA 30328

Thursday, September 7, 2017

WOW Pho & Grill Vietnamese Noodle & Grill

We all know the Food Terminal has been kicking ass and taking names... Mostly because there's always a line to get in there... But a new pho joint quietly opened up just across the parking lot next to Big Wong BBQ which tastes more like dog dong BBQ... They are always trying to sell the leftover scraps at a deep discount on a table placed strategically on your way out of the market. But let's get back to this new pho joint... When I see "Pho & Grill" it reminds me of bars that always have "Pub & Grille" after the name of it, but this pho joint forgot the "e" at the end of grill, so, it might not be as fancy as those dumpy pubs. What's also funny is that they have a sign right underneath it that says, "Vietnamese Noodle & Grill"... Why didn't they just make one sign that says, "Vietnamese Pho & Grill" and saved some money. The greenish round sign also says, "Pho & Grill", too... I guess they really wanted to make sure that people know what they're getting into when they come to eat here. Walked in and was I surprised... It was pretty fancy for a pho joint. You just don't expect decorative tile work all throughout a noodle soup spot. Staring at the amount of tile work almost made me vomit after a while... And I didn't even have any fingers down my throat. Seriously, who needs this much tile work, it was fucking all over the place. But the place was pretty clean and modern looking, something that I don't expect when I'm eating back alley pho. But the cleanliness kinda ended there when I inspected the jars of hot sauces and oil on the table... I lifted up the covers of each sauce pot and they were absolutely filthy. Skip that shit, yo. The menus are fancy looking, laminated and the idea was obviously ripped off from Food Terminal. But who cares about how the menus look... I care only about the grub... So, let's take a sneak peek with a quick little sampler...

Standard garnish... Except that they also included shredded banana blossoms which you don't see that often at many other pho joints. It was a nice touch to see to this.

Custom Pho with meatballs, tendon and tripe. At first glance, I was very pleased by the sizable amount of tendon in there and the meatballs were huge that they had to cut them in half, there was also a decent amount of tripe as well. Looks like a good start to what could be a very decent bowl of pho. Now, the broth taste test... It was a bit light on the flavor, it wasn't rich enough but passable after you doctor it all up with the garnish and condiments. It's not a bad bowl of pho, the protein ingredients were note worthy but overall, it was a little bit above average. If you needed a quick pho fix before or after you go shopping at the market next door, this will do.

Bun Bo Hue. They don't fuck around with piling up this bowl full of goodies. Thick slices of pork patties, big cubes of blood, sizeable ham hock, dollops of pork paste and thin slices of beef. The beef and pork broth was pretty decent but not spicy at all even after I asked them to make it super spicy when I ordered it. They need to put some more noodles in there because I kept fishing for the noodles at the bottom of the bowl and coming up short consistently. But I guess they didn't want to overload it with noodles since they put so much other tasty shit in there. It's not the best bun bo hue around here but like with the pho above, if you needed a quick BBH fix, this will also do in a pinch if you're shopping at the market.

Banh Mi. The pouch can't not order this when it's on the menu... This came out last. The two bowls of noodle soup came out like in 5 minzies but it took them like 15 minz to put this sando together. It better be fucking good after the long wait... Like 15 minutes is such a long wait in real life. The pouch sounds so spoiled and entitled like it had it's own reality show or something... But it really should have it's own show since his ass is twice as large as Kim K's... "Eating Out with the Pouch" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Ok, let's get back to this crusty sammich... First of all, it came out looking like Sloth from the Goonies made this... It was wrapped all fucked up and they had it upside down and they even sliced it that way. I had to do a little tweaking to make this more photogenic. The bread was dried out and flaking apart, not from toasting it because you don't even see any toast marks on there... It was days old bread. The garnish was ok, not enough do chau (pickled carrot daikon), though. The grilled pork tasted like it was sauteed with a ton of sauce in a pan and not in a good way... It was like something that you would cook for your dog. You bite into it and it starts to fall apart from all the flaking of the bread and then you get to the "pork"... Which was over sauced, salty and sweet and chewy... I felt like John Candy having to finish the gristle and fat on the Old '96er... Bon appetit, sucka! This banh mi sucked ass... Maybe it was a fluke, maybe the banh mi dude was having a bad day, who knows, who fucking cares... There's no fucking way I'm taking another chance on their banh mi in the future. Just go to the other end of the mall and grab a very decent banh mi from Saigon Tofu.

How many pho joints does this area need within a quarter mile radius... If they are trying to fill up empty store front spaces in this strip mall just to make it look happening... Just don't... For the children. But if you need a quick fix for an average bowl of pho or bun bo hue, I won't make fun of y'all too much... Unless you tell me that the banh mi here are to die for... Then I will cut you and then vomit in your bloody gash.

5000 Buford Hwy #A112
Chamblee, GA 30341

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Brush Sushi Izakaya Revisit

After visiting the Disney of sushi at Kula Revolting Sushi Bar... I needed some real shit to cover up that sad carousel of warm fish swimming around in the pouch. Top grade sushi is not hard to find in this town but you will pay the price for it... Like at Umi or Tomo. But there's really no need to fight the Buckhead traffic and the Buckhead Army for top notch sushi anymore these days... Brush has been my go to fancypants sooshee joint since they opened. The word is out on their excellent sushi but it's still a destination spot for most people, so it's not super crowded all the time... Which is great for the pouch because it never knows when it's in the mood for sooshee.
So, I was headed to Victory and SOS Tiki Bar for a night of boozing but I walked passed Brush and the pouch instantly had an itch for sushi or it could be from the lack of underpants. That marsupial pouch has no rhyme or reason for instant cravings... It eats with it's eyes first. So, I turned around and walked in and sat at the sushi bar so I can make faces at Jason while he's slicing fish to test his focus and knife skills without cutting himself. I promised myself that I would not over eat and not over order because I had dinner plans later on (like in an hour)... I think the pouch did good on self control on this visit and saved some room for my other rez later on. Let's take a gander on the goods...

Braised Tuna. A tasty little treat if you're sitting at the sushi bar to pump your facehole up for the grub to be had.

Salmon Tartare. One of their nightly specials... I don't usually go for chopped up salmon because you know it's all the left over trimmings that needs to be sold but how do you present it to sheeple is the real trick... And I got suckered in. Nice presentation and tasted pretty pretty pretty guud.

Soft Shell Crab. If you ask nicely, they might just fry up a plump, crunchy and juicy soft shell crab without being put inside a roll or some other contraption to restrict it's glory... They have freed the boobs, now it's time to free the crabs. Squirt... of lemon, pweez.

Brush Platter. The omakase is great here but sometimes you just don't want to eat that much or spend that much... So, my omakase substitute and go to dish is this classic sampler platter... There is more than enough variety to satisfy the pouch's needs and craving. It was a pretty amazing spread of non-traditional fish that most other joints won't have in their inventory.

Snow Crab Chawanmushi. It's not a difficult dish to make but it does take time to steam it right... And this came out pretty damn good. You have to eat your way down to get to the prize which is the snow crab... Free the crabs!

Scallop Roe (male and female). Feed me and call me Norman... Wait, don't call me Norman, call me Chubsy Ubsy. Look at this ridiculous display of female and male scallop roe that even Miss Crabtree would swallow... I'm all up on the crab theme today. Y'all know that the pouch swallowed it all and asked for thirds but these were on limited supply and the pouch dried up their supply of scallop nads... Kinda like my dried up raisins and sex life. But there's always Popeyes to keep my bed warm... Don't hate, it's not weird to sleep with a box of piping hot fried cheekan to keep warm at night.

Uni. I'm still having nightmares from the Uni snot I had at Kula Revolting Sushi... But this gave me back my confidence and virility...Now, if I can only find that leak in my Japanese blow up doll. Look at this golden nugget of briny nads... It was jammed packed in there like a Jenna Jameson threesome. Tasted like the gonads of the gods... And I wanted more salty sweet jizzlobbery in my mouth. Just squirt it in my facehole like shooting the water pistol into the clown's mouth game at the carnival. Jesus, this is getting obscene... Hide yo kids and hide yo wives... And hide the rest of the uni for da pouch.

I have not been disappointed at all with their sushi selection and execution on every visit... It is right up there with the other great sushi joints in town and I love it that it's in Decatur and not in Buckhead... Or else I would rarely go and miss out on some of the best sooshee in town. Goddamnit, I think I over ordered and over ate here again before my other dinner plans... Oh, well, the pouch doesn't get larger by itself... Jesus, I am such a fat disgusting slob and I can't stop consuming mass quantities. I may need intervention, there's a meeting at Popeyes next Wednesday...


316 Church St.
Decatur, GA 30030

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Kula Revolving Sushi Bar

At most Asian restos, Engrish is usually not their strong suit... Especially, with items on their menus. The food might be good but their command on the English translation sucks ass which usually results in hilarity.... Like "King Crap" instead of crab... Which is funny as shit to order it out loud to the server. Kula ain't the first conveyor belt sushi or kaiten zushi to hit Atlanta... But I think they may have misspelled "Revolving" instead of "Revolting". Look, these fast food sooshee joints are a gimmick and they have all tried and failed quietly in the Atlanta market for a reason. I have tried these concepts in Asia before and while they are pretty popular overseas with the millennials, the quality over there is also much much better than here on state side. Kula is a big operation globally so they got their operations pretty much down pat... And the new Doraville location have been packed since the doors opened. Obviously, everybody and their stepmoms want in on the gimmick in the beginning... But how long will they truly last in this town is something only time will tell.
One of the biggest selling points here is the price... $2.25 for every green plate that spins around the room with 2 pieces each or a single piece for the fancier shit like toro, uni, snow crab, etc etc... And then there's other items that can be custom ordered for more money. It all sounds very efficient and you don't even have to talk to anybody throughout this entire process... It's almost like jerking off alone in one of those 25 cent peep show booths. The other crowd luring gimmicks here are the touch screens, the cartoon videos, plate slots that keeps track of how much you ate and the Pokemon style prizes you get if you can endure over eating 15+ plates or more of carnival sooshee... And the masses are packing the joint even if the AC doesn't work, they don't care about eating warm sushi as long as there are like 30 box fans strategically placed around the room like the exhaust fans at a chicken farm. Warm sooshee always make people gassy. I didn't want to deal with all the oinkers so I went real early at 11:30AM and there was already a fucking line out the door and the inside was pretty much full. Shit, I can't wait to dive into this culinary experience...

Jesus, this is like the scene from The Wall with the school kids in the fucked up masks walking lock step into the meat grinder... Except here, they go down into the pouch.

Hokkaido Scallop. The scallop looked good but it was pretty tasteless except for the squirt of Kewpie mayo.

Soy Sake Marinated Tuna. Pretty decent color and it wasn't that bad except you can't taste any of that soy sake marinade.

Garlic Ponzu Salmon. I also got the UMAMI Oil Salmon... Which looked exactly the same as the Garlic Ponzu salmon... Strangely, they both tasted the same with not much flavor of each. The salmon itself was fine and had a decently firm texture and not all mushy. 

Toro. If this was toro, then my uncle is a spider monkey...

Scallop. Just more of the tasteless scallop without the Kewpie mayo.

Conch. Thinly sliced so it wasn't chewy at all but once again... No taste at all but it had a nice texture.

Sweet Shrimp. I have never seen real sweet shrimp this small... Looked more like quickly poached shrimp to give it the illusion that it's a sweet shrimp. Just put it in an ice bath and none will be the wiser.

Uni. What... Da... Fook... Is this? Is that carrot baby food? It tasted like they blended old uni and new uni to get a consistent flavor and texture... Kinda like blending Scotch whisky... Well, no, not really. Skip this carnival slop at all cost.

Inari. Finally, something that tastes like it should... But how hard is this to make, really...

Yellowtail. Hahaha... Stop it. Don't even get me started... It looked more like that nasty escolar garbage fish than yellowtail... Once again, totally tasteless.

Octopus. The second dish that actually tasted like it should. Thinly sliced octopus with a decent texture and bite.

Salmon Belly. There is no difference visually between the other two salmons and this "belly"... There was no way this was the belly. It was so lean and didn't have any fat strips to it at all. I don't know how they can pass this off as salmon belly but this schmuck got suckered in anyways... Well, actually, I knew this wasn't belly but I had to get it in order to take a pic of it... So, I guess I did suckered in to their scam at the end.

Snow Crab. Could this be real snow crab? Only one way to find out... It took me about 4 revolutions to grow enough hair on my sack to pull the trigger on this dish. And... It was real snow crab, I like how they include the shell just to prove the point that they are legit and ain't fucking around. What's also funny was the California rolls where there was a sign that said, "Real Crab"... That might offend some sushi connoisseurs in here that prefer surimi. But how did this snow crab taste? It was bland, as if it had been frozen, defrosted, frozen and defrosted again and again and the flavor of the crab melted away with the moisture on every cycle. Was it awful? No. But it's too tempting not to try it once and now I know not to grab this plate again... Keep moving.

Spider Roll. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a total sucker for a spider roll... Jesus, if I tell my one reader one more time that I am a sucker for this bastard roll, they will prolly jump on the conveyor belt and dive head first into the dishwasher... It was a hefty portion but it was also such a convoluted mess with all that shit and sauce in there that it made taste like trash. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again. But we all knew that I will do it again, prolly...

Soft Shell Crab Tempura. And I fucking did it again... Jesus, look at that breading... $4.20 worth of hard ass tempura. It's like armor plating capable of resisting a 44 mag. It was so goddamn thick. It was like eating a turtle shell trying to get to yum yums inside. Once you break apart that bullet proof vest, the soft shell crab was average at best... It was pretty bland. All that work and risk to oral injuries and no reward to show for it... I couldn't even swallow it all. That's what the server said...  

Tonkotsu Ramen. You order this on the screen and the top conveyor belt delivers it right to your snout. For $5.80, they can't even put the soy egg with the yolk upright. But look at that broth... Holy shit, did they wring a pork fat back over the top of it? There was at least a one inch layer of pure grease. It was so oily that even mixing it all up didn't do shit. It's just one mouthful of oil after another. All that fish I just ate is having a blast riding the oily slides within my bowls.

I flipped the egg over and it was soft boil which was nice but the broth was still ultra oily after mixing it up for 2 minzies. The ramen noodles were thick and doughy. The thin slices of braised pork was ok. But overall, this was not tonkotsu, not even close... It was pretty disgusting. Instant tonkotsu ramen is 10 times better than this slop. Avoid at all costs.

So, after enduring an endless feeding trough of subpar warm sooshee, you get a fucking 5 cent prize for your efforts after relinquishing your hard earned cash. It looked like a Pokemon ball but I think it was supposed to be an apple... And all I got was this tuna roll eraser. This garbage reminds me when Navin Johnson was working at the carnival guessing people's weight, height and sex and they could win a cheap pencil... Ahhh, it's a profit deal! I guess I can use this as a butt plug on my way back home so I don't destroy the seats in my car.

This joint is like a goddamn cartoon, a total gimmick... And the sheeple are fucking eating this shit up because it's like a carnival in here and the food is cheap. A lot of the oinkers eating here looked like they were in town early for Dragon Con... And we all know they have the palate of a billy goat or a Klingon. I don't know if the sushi was supposed to be served that warm or because the AC was not working properly but either way, it's not winning me back for a return visit any time soon. And don't be surprised if the AC is still out of order when y'all go. Ok, was this the worse sushi I have eaten? No, but the fish was so one note, average and pedestrian that you're better off just going to H Mart next door and pick up a couple of boxes of their sushi... The quality is at least 3 times better and they have real uni, too. But I gotta admit that this joint would be good to bring people who had never had sushi before (sushi virgins), this could be their gateway drug to harder and better sushi. 

6035 Peachtree Blvd
Doraville, GA 30360

Monday, August 21, 2017

Krispy Krunchy Chicken

If y'all haven't heard... The Pouch really likes fwied cheekan. That fat fuck eats like a whole family bucket on a weekly basis. If it grew feathers it could prolly work part-time as a fwied cheekan delivery drone for Popeyes... But don't be surprised if a piece or two might be missing from your order, let's just called that the "Pouch's Share".
So, my entire fan base of one knows how much I love Popeyes but there was a recent Thrillist article that claimed, "Krispy Krunchy Chicken's perfectly seasoned and juicy pieces might be the most underrated item in fast food today." I have seen these little chicken shacks within a store (usually located in all gas stations) before but never gave it a second glance because the people working there were filthy looking and always scratching their balls. Also, nothing is ever on the racks in those heated cases. Both Popeyes and KKC share one thing in common, they are both doing Cajun-style chicken. So, instead of going to my instinctual cheekan spot like a Pavlovian mutt this weekend... I decided to seek out this "most underrated" cheekan joint. But where the fuck is one intown?
Their website (yeah, I couldn't believe they even had a website) has the locations of every single one in the world and there are a fucking million of them... Of course, I picked the one that is in the middle of the refugee ghetto in Clarkston because I didn't want to go downtown and fight the hobos over my chicken or deal with the traffic going to the one on Ponce and Moreland since I was boozing hard in Decatur. In my tiny mind with ghetto cheekan shacks like these, the nastier the gas station is the better the ghetto pigeon will taste... Well, at least that's what I tell the pouch.
This Texaco in Clarkston was a total shithole (shit, most of Clarkston is like a 3rd world country, you fucking hear howling in the middle of the night and it ain't from dogs or wolves), it looked abandoned and I swore I saw a fucking clown smiling at me through the gutter. Luckily, I was cocked and locked... No, I wasn't getting a blood flow from all the excitement of the Krispy Krunchy Chicken to be had in a few moments but my 1911 was definitely in Condition 1. Walked in and the clerk's cage was surrounded by a 5" thick plated glass... Now, I'm thinking maybe I should have had it in Condition 0. I'm looking around like a giraffe for the cheekan and I finally spotted the KKC kiosk thinger in the back corner, next to the video slot machines where two yuge obeast mossbacks with needle tracks all over their arms were hogging two machines each. Jesus, look at these two fat slobs wasting their lives away playing video poker in a run down gas station... Then I looked into the peel and stick mirror where the cheap sunglasses were and asked myself the same question... Touche, motherfucker, touche.
There was an Indian girl working the cheekan stand and she looked like she did not fucking want to be there at all... Total misery on her face. Jesus, I don't even want to talk to it because she might turn into a fucking vampire and bleed me dry... She would regret that instantly because my BAC was like 90% pure alcohol right now. But fuck it, I'm here already... Like I have said many times before that I would risk life, limb and pouch for some sick ass fried ghetto yardbird.
Let's see what went down at this dump...

The heated display case was nearly empty except for a couple of scraps... I asked the chicken lady if she was making more and she said it will take 15 minutes for a 8 piece dark with an expression of disgust on her face. Why is she so fucking pissed off at the world... I guess I would be too if I worked here... But wait, maybe they were being robbed and I was being that fussy bitch that is demanding for newly fried chicken and fucking up their plans for a quick getaway... I can see the headlines now, "Methheads' Robbery Foiled by Fried Chicken Lips". I could only be so lucky but it turned out that she was just pissed that her parents weren't higher up on the caste system. Speaking of untouchables... I had to wait 15 minzies to get my grubby fat fingaz on that cheekan to see if the rumors were true about them being the most underrated fwied cheekan in all the lands. It finally came out and it was lava fucking hot and I had to let it cool down a bit. So, I rushed it home and put my fat girl's night outfit on and prepared the pouch to consume mass quantities of this ghetto fried pigeon.

Jesus, look at that glorious golden spread... The cheekan smelled great from all the steaming grease vapor which made the bag all soiled with grease spots and that's a good thing. True to their name, the crust and skin is ultra krispy and krunchy and not too thick, just the right amount of crust and crackle. The crust was seasoned pretty well but I don't know if it could be considered Cajun-style. The meat inside was juicy as a horny Catholic school girl riding an excited pony on her 16th birthday. The greasy juices was running down my lips and chin that I had to wipe it with my fingers and then licked it off. Never waste any of the drippings, that's like the nectar sack of the gods. Even when the chicken cooled down the crust didn't steam itself soft, it stay pretty damn crispy the whole way through. The honey biscuits sucked ass, they were doughy in the center and soggy on the outside from all the fake honey drizzle.

The fwied cheekan is pretty legit here but the big question is... Is it better than Popeyes? Fuck no, but it's pretty damn respectable coming from a dumpy gas station. Popeyes' proven recipe and operation for high volume is just too efficient. Would I get KKC again? I would if I was jonesing for a chicken fix in the ghetto or if I'm boozed up. I will have to try another location to see if they are consistent or if my theory is correct about the shittier the location the better the chicken. My one reader will prolly find out this weekend since I'm such a fat bastard for fwied cheekan.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Shrimp Basket and Goatfeathers

Is it weird that the title of this post makes me want to play Goodbye Horses on my cassette deck, put on some make up, wrap myself in my grandma's quilt made of back skin from fat chicks, do a tuckey and bend over to place the lotion in the basket? Now, I'm kinda craving a fruit basket. Jesus, I am such a sicko... Let's get back to business...
This joint looks like it belongs in the redneck Riviera and they do have a couple locations in PCB but I was eating at a Shrimp Basket in the arse end of the Florida panhandle... I guess it's better than "living in a Travelodge motel in the arse end of New Jersey.” Vegans like Sinead O'Connor are depressed, psychotic and borderline certifiable because they don't eat meat and seafood as reported in a recent mass study... Especially, fwied cheekan and fwied seafood. Mmm, I see food...  Ok, there's like a million locations of this joint all throughout Florida and Alabama with a handful in Mississippi, Louisiana and Georgia (only 1 in Columbus because it's basically on the Alabama border). I have never eaten here ever, not even once with all those locations around. But somehow I ended up in Destin looking for food (imagine that) and everywhere you looked was all overpriced touristy gimmicky joints with garbage grub... Who has actually eaten at a fucking Margaritaville? Wait, don't answer that, I know who does and that's why they don't sell shirts smaller than a XL.
I was really looking for a place that had Royal Reds, the large red shrimp that is native to these here parts (mostly Alabama), they are sweeter than regular old skrimpz and taste more like lobster, too. Besides at seafood markets where you had to cook them yourselves at home, they are hard to find at restos but I drove past this place and saw a sign that they had them... Turned the fuck around, STAT. Why is there so much fucking traffic around here... Pulled into the parking lot and rushed the fuck in before all the oinkers had a chance to gobbled up all the royal reds. At family-ish places like this, you always have to wait for a table because of all the fucking kids these fat birthers have, but the bar usually have no wait to gain weight at a fry shack. So, naturally, this fat fuck orders more food than the pouch can handle in one sitting... Or can it? Marsupial pouches are known to carry up to 200 times their size... So, I would advise not betting against it.

Jesus Christ, look at this spread, if only his last supper was this divine... He just got some crusty old stale bread and a bot of Two Buck Chuck. Bless his heart. Let's go to the videotape for the play by play...

Fried Crab Claws. Crab claws are fucking pricey anywhere you go but it's like triple the more inland you go. Look at this portion size, it ain't skimpy like my Speedo. These things are addictive and you can eat them non-stop like cheekan wings of the sea floor.

Fried Coconut Shrimp. I don't know why I'm attracted to these white trash skrimpz... Maybe because the coconut makes them more exotic. I tell y'all what, these fuckers are done right here. Ultra crispy and covered in shredded coconut shards. 

Fried Clam Strips. If there's goddamn clam strips on the menu I'm gonna need a taste... Luckily, this place let's you do add ons for like $4, which was a steal just to sample these pearl tongues. They were pretty good, but nothing as craveworthy as Fork In The Road's version. Still a nice little snack.

House Salad. This must be a mistake... Take this away! How dare they insult me with vegan food, it's proven to cause depression and washed up Irish singer baldness. Ok, I did order this, so I didn't feel like such a fat fuck eating all that fried food.

Royal Red Shrimp. I ordered just the shrimp sampler and not the entree but they fucked it up in the kitchen to my benefit... The server brings it over and says, they messed up but here is the entire meal, instead. I'm totally OK with that, bro. These royal reds are so damn good and make sure you always get it with the heads on... Don't be a pussy, the head is the best part... Suck on that head hard and don't let any of the juices escape. I didn't know I gave such good head... The body of the shrimp is just so sweet and tender and a couple of them even had a shit load of roe in there. I wouldn't waste the money on getting the full entree/meal... The red taters are fine but they are just filler... Just like the corn and cole slaw. Stick with just the shrimp and maybe you'll get lucky just like me. Squirt.

Fried Seafood Basket. I just can't stay away from the fried shit because fried shit is so good. This had oysters, whitefish, shrimp, hush puppies, fritters and a stuffed crab... All fucking deep fried, fuck yeah. Upon initial inspection, I didn't see no crab in there but I dug around and found it hiding under that Mount Frysuvius.

There she blows... A whole crab stuffed with a mixture of crab and other fillers but it was tasty as shit... Hell, everything in this basket was tasty as shit. The red beans and rice was ok, a bit runny but not bad. And the cole slaw was acceptable not that I want to waste any pouch space with that stuff.

Why did I not come here earlier? I totally missed out on this fry shack all these years... But now I know where to go for some mighty fine royal reds and fried seafood. It was a nice lunch but the pouch wasn't done yet...

711 US-98
Destin, FL 32541

So, I'm driving back to Seaside and on my way back I see the Goatfeathers market and restaurant and they had a sign that said $7.99 for a dozen oysters. That was the cheapest price I have seen in this area for oysters. So, naturally, I had to stop in... What? I was already here, so why not... Y'all would, too. I just know it.

I just made it in time for their oyster special with 15 minzies to spare... And then their happy hour specials kicked in. Oh, shit, that sounds like trouble for the pouch. I came in for one thing and now, it looks like I will be eating a few more things... Damn you happy hour specials. Let's get back to the oysters... They were the standard gulf oysters, nothing special but not bad either. The shucker in the kitchen was swamped supposedly so he kinda rushed this out because it wasn't as clean as it shoulda been. Lots of shell flakes were in the oysters and some oysters were all mangled up in the shell. They still tasted fine but it ain't fun picking out and spitting out flakes of shells every few seconds. So, the happy hour specials actually came to the rescue... Damn it, I'm such a fat fuck and just can't say no to food.

Fried Green Tomatoes. That's a nice portion of FGTs... Along with that bucket of remoulade spunk. How much fucking mayo does one need? It didn't even taste good but the FGT had a nice cornmeal crust and the tomato had a firm but not raw texture to it... It was a nice FGT but skip the remoulade.

Fried Soft Shell Crab. If you're at a seafood joint, it's prolly a wise choice to get the soft shell crab... Look at this gorgeous specimen. Lightly coated and deep fried. It had great color and crunch to it without compromising the sweet flaky crab inside. Really tasty. Oh, yeah, that is the same remoulade from the FGTs... They use that shit for everything.

Peel and Eat Shrimp. Hey, Pouch, the ocean called... They're running out of shrimp. I couldn't pass up these shrimp from the happy hour special... They looked fresh and plump from the sea... Not the Chattahoochee special you would find at some suspect fish shacks in da ATL. No remoulade this time but some weak cocktail sauce, instead... Extra horseradish, pweez and another cocktail while you're up.

This joint was pretty legit... Maybe I was just happy about being at the right place at the right time with their specials timed perfectly. The oysters coulda been better executed but the other dishes sampled were pretty much spot-on. Eating that much seafood in the span of 2 hours can't be good for anybody... So, I triple down on more seafood and went downstairs to their seafood market and bought another 3 lbs of royal reds to snack on later.

I should start a support group called FFU... Fat Fucks Unite.


3865 W County Hwy 30A
Santa Rosa Beach, FL 32459