Thursday, July 20, 2017

Kabab Express

The Patel Brothers strip mall was pretty dumpy for a long time but it has recently gone through a nice update and refresh... They needed it fast because of all the new developments going up all around this area. There's no way in hell they would have been able to compete with all the new and shiny shops that have popped up within a stone's throw away. The strip malls' refresh is now cleaner and more welcoming to the roundeyes who may have been scared to check out one of the many eateries up in this piece... Maybe that's why they all go to Zyka because it's non-threatening with it's cafeteria style service. Zyka is ok for what it is but sometimes you get a bad case of the shits... I'm talking about endless wiping. I like most of the eateries in this mall but you also have to pick and choose your battle to avoid the Hershey squirts... Ok, you got Marsala, Chinese Dhaba, Thali, Bhaji Pav, Chat Patti, Gokul Sweets, Royal Sweets and Tava Bistro is the fancy pants Indian joint but I'm still partial to the semi-fast food joints that pump out pretty damn decent Indian street grub on the cheap. The goddamn vada pavs are addictive at most of these joints. I like that Tava Bistro have fresh lamb brains, too, which are pretty damn tasty. But the new kid on the block in this strip mall is the Kabab Express, they have been around for about half a year and it looks like they are doing a pretty good job at staying in business... That's a good sign that the food doesn't suck that much. Time to put them to the test and see if the iron pouch can stomach what they are slinging or else I'll be needing endless TP and baby wipes.
The joint is not big by any means but there's enough seating and tables for a pretty decent crowd. It was pretty quiet when I went in on a Friday night. Checked out the cleanliness of the joint and it was pretty clean overall... Ok, I'm game to order some kibble up in this piece. Let's take a gander...

Chicken 65, boneless meat marinated with ginger, garlic, eggs & other spices and Battered and Fried. This is not the deep fried crusty version and it was better for it. It was almost wet... I think they flash fried and then sauced it, but the "sauce" stuck on the pieces very well and they tasted fucking awesome... I don't think I want to eat the old boring version after this. It was also a huge portion and not chintzy like most of the other Indo-Pak joints. I also like the curry leaves with cilantro and the lime wedge gives it that little extra sumtin' sumtin'. Great start so far... But I ain't holding my breath either.

Vegetable Biryani, vegetable and soya chunks cooked with special seasoning with basmati rice. I just overloaded on chicken 65 and didn't want any meat on here so I got the veggie biryani which I actually prefer because you get to taste the true biryani without any meat distractions. It was also another huge portion and I fucking loved it as well... It was flavorful with a hint of spiciness and the soya chunks give it that little texture beside just all rice. What the fuck is going on up in this piece? How the fuck is the pouch not shitting on them before they make me shit myself... It's like fucking Bizarro World in here. Next!

Lamb Sheekh Kabab with basmati rice and salad. Supposedly, available only on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's a nice looking plate but how can you not laugh at the two dong kababs... I was thinking they're gonna come out the other end looking exactly the same way it went in. Talk about recycling and sustainability. The lamb was not gamey at all, it was full of spices and seasoned spot on... It was plastic fork tender and you could break it apart with ease. The rice looked like a biryani but it wasn't seasoned like the biryani, it's more plain tasting but the basmati rice was still very colorful. The raw sliced onions paired well with the lamb and the vibrant side salad gave it more color to the overall plate. I was gonna just get the regular beef sheekh kabab (next time) but I'm glad I went with the lamb instead... It was very good. It may look like two giant turds but even Mr. Hanky will love this. Jesus, how are they 3 for 3 right now? Baffling... Next...

Butter Chicken. The classic dish that all the roundeyes adore and love because it's non-threatening and not super spicy either. The big chunks of yogurt spiced marinated chicken were seasoned well but they were not cooked in the buttery curry gravy... They just added it into the gravy. Yet it still worked out nicely. Mix it in with the basmati rice and it's a nice little pouch filler. It was pretty tasty overall but this prolly won't come up again until I have sampled a few of their other dishes first.

Basmati Rice. Simple, fresh and colorful... Perfect to soak up all the butter chicken juice.

Plain Naan. This also came with the butter chicken which was nice. I liked how it was flatter than most naans with charred pops of blisters randomly. It was hot, easily tearable, had a nice chew to it and soaked up the butter curry gravy brilliantly. The butter chicken dish was basically a full meal for a normal person... But the pouch is not normal are we? I need more and more to fill the void that is my pouch. Gee, that sounds kinda pathetic... I know what I'll be doing tonight. It involves crying, self loathing, sleeping, loneliness... And farting endlessly in the dark. But that can wait til later... Let's try one more thing before I cane myself.

Garlic Naan. If it's on the menu, the pouch gotta order it... Every joint does their own version of the garlic naan. There's more shitty versions than good ones so finding a Indo joint that makes a decent one is quite challenging... This version was pretty damn good. It was flat and covered in garlic paste and bits all over. The bottom was golden brown and crispy. This garlic naan is a keeper.

This little family run Indo-Pak joint was a pleasant surprise... The food was well prepared, freshly made and most importantly not greasy as fuck. The ingredients and execution was spot-on on this visit. Nothing I sampled had a misstep in taste, temp or proper portion size... It could be a little bit more spicy on certain dishes but it was totally acceptable. It's obvious that I like this place and I will definitely be coming back here to sample all their other goodies on the menu... Except for the fucking mango lassi. That shit still gives me nightmares with Mirza at Panahar forcing his mango lassi on me relentlessly. No, I don't want to drink your thick ass, dick stirred lassi, bro. 

1711 Church St.
Decatur, GA 30033

Friday, July 14, 2017

Lan Zhou Ramen Re-Revisit

Holy Fat Albert... I really out did my disgusting rotund self this time... I promised my one reader that I will eat everything on this menu and I never lie when it comes to food... Especially, dericious hand made grub. There's no mystery that I fucking fell in love with this place right after I put the cook's toothsome noodle in my mouth and swallowed it all... And I didn't even use my teeth, it slid down my facehole naturally just like how skillfully Seka inhaled many a hogs in her day with ease. Now, this fat fuck is back with a mission or a vengeance, depending on the pouch's mood today... We all know this is the new hot spot for some sick ass hand made knife sliced noodles... And every FOB and gwailo is fucking jumping aboard on this noodle boat and packing the joint. Sometimes, the non-adventurous tourists in here get so annoying asking for fried rice that I wanna karate chop them like Ms. Piggy... Hiyaaaaa! There's not much else to say about this joint that I haven't already said in my other reviews before... So, let's get a chomping and a slurping because there's a ton of grub to be eaten tonight. Go big or go back to China... As I always say, wait, I just made that shit up...

Sliced Beef and Ox Tripe in Chili Sauce. This batch was top notch and better than any previous visits. It's a hefty mound of tripe and tendon in a chili sauce that could be spicier but you can just amp it up with the chili sauces on the table to whatever heat level you like. This shit is just plain tasty as fuck.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. Look at this motherfucker... It's a thing of beauty and they taste even better. I absolutely love these things and no one in this one horse town is doing anything close to this. A must get every time.

Fried Chive Cake. Same thing as scallion pancake and these were good but maybe just a tad bit over pan fried... A bit too crispy and dried out on their own.. But if you dip it in the soup broth, that shit is good. They were slammed on this visit so I assume they were doing a million other things in the kitchen and let these go for a tad bit longer than they should have. But still worthy, though.

Kaifeng Steamed Soup Dumps. The first few times I got these, they were excellent... On this visit they were just ok, none of them were that soupy like I remembered. Still tasted good but it ain't a soup dump without soup inside. I would be wary on getting them again if the place is slammed... Or come real early before the crazy crowds so they can prepare these properly.

Fried Cucumber with Black Fungus. This was new dish to try... And damn was it tasty. That garlicky sauce was amazing, I just started spooning that shit into my facehole... I kinda wanted to get a bowl of rice to soak the rest of the sauce in but I didn't because I knew I needed the pouch space for the battle yet to come.

Chinese Style Spicy Chicken. I thought these would be lightly battered and deep fried but they were basically stir fried/dry fried with a decent amount of chili peppers and Szechuan peppercorns. It's not that spicy but it had a nice little tingle on the tongue... Just amp it up, yo!

Knife Sliced Noodle with Oxtail. This was on the top of my list to try the next time I was in... And it didn't disappoint. Chunky bones but there were a ton of tender cooked down meat within all the nooks and crannies of them oxtail bones. The knife sliced noodles were spot on as usual- ribbons of firm but yet chewy glutenous hand stretched dough. The broth is the same for all their noodle bowls and it was even better this time around.. Full of flavor and makes you wanna suck down every drop.

Knife Sliced Noodle with Beef Tendon. The tendons on this visit was on top of their game.. They were chunky and cooked through nicely. Tender and gelatinous but toothy at the same time. So damn good.

Hond Pulled Noodles with Beef Belly. Alright, I had to get a regular hand pulled noodle bowl... Which works better with the thick chunks of beef belly... And they were tender as fuck. They just melt in your mouth and then slurp it up with some thin pulled noodles. This is a very good bowl.

Knife sliced noodles with beef. This is basically their version of beef chowfun... They really don't have a dry or wet style... Shit, they didn't even know what the fuck beef chowfun was when I asked them. I asked them to do a wet style since I asked for the dry style last time. They said ok, no problem, this will have a little sauce... Little sauce my ass. It's just the oil they wok this shit in. But I gotta tell ya... Their version of beef chowfun was pretty damn tasty. The slices of beef had a different texture, they almost tasted like it was pre-cooked, packed and cooled down and then sliced and added to the noodles in the last couple of minutes of cooking. The had similar characteristics of the sliced beef and ox tripe small plate. Does this version of beef chowfun hold a candle to the Cantonese beef chowfun? Fuck no... But it will do when I'm here for their sliced noodle bowls.

Knife sliced noodles with tendon. Had to get this also for shits and giggles because their tendon on this day was too fucking good to pass up in another dish. Mostly the same as the beef noodles above but they also added in black fungus with the sick ass tendons.

Sweet baby Jesus, what did I just do? The fucking Coneheads ain't got nothin' on me! But I must stop consuming mass quantities... It ain't good for my girlish figure. The Pouch really over did it this time... And the staff was egging me to order more. Asking me if I had ever tried this or that on the menu... Of course, I can't say no that's why I had so many goddamn bowls of noodle soup in front of my fat snout. These fuckers are the devil, they tempt you with your deepest dreams and desires... But these demonic dickheads sure do know how to pull a proper noodle. That knife sliced face slut, Regan, never had it this good... All she got was rancid pea soup vomit. Fuck her... Wait, I take that back, her mom licked her bloody gash. No knife sliced noodle soup for you! 

5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Buckhead Diner

I haven't been here in many many moons... It's just one of those restos with a never changing menu that is there for the tourists and the old school blue hair crowd which their herd seems to be getting thinner and thinner these days. This resto group is one the most successful in Buckhead and they take a major share of the expense account checks. If you ain't paying why wouldn't you wanna go to Chops or Lobster Bar... Just order it, baybee!
So, I was in god awful Buckhead to take care of some biznaz and I didn't want to deal with the Friday rush hour traffic.. It was too late for lunch and too early for a real dinner. I was basically in blue hair early bird special territory but I said fuck it, I can just have an early pre-dinner snack. I promised the pouch that I will not order more than 3 dishes or else it's a meal then with 4 or more dishes. The nice thing about coming here really early before the big dinner rush is that you get your pick of the table and the food gets prepared just a bit better. And it makes all the difference in taste and presentation... But I really don't know because I would never come here during the major dinner rush, it's a full blown shit show by then. I looked at the menu and nothing, absolutely nothing interested me... It was the same old same old Buckhead Diner menu that hasn't changed in ages. Jesus, this old couple a few tables over had to be at least in their mid 70's was talking about how they loved the same dish they ate when they were teenagers. My question was how the fuck did they live this long eating this stuff for 60 years. The server comes over and rattles off the specials... It was going in one waxy ear and out the other until she said soft shell crab... What? Come again... The fish of the day was a soft shell crab sando. Fucking done and done, son. I hate ordering just one dish because it makes me feel like a such a loser eating alone... Ordering a few dishes make it feel like a party, like I'm with people who like me. Since, nothing on the menu was crying out to be eaten on the meat side, I kinda swayed towards the seafood side since I didn't want to eat anything too heavy before my real dinner later on. Fish is always a light meal. I had to shoo away the server like 3 times because I couldn't decide... But this visit will be an all seafood snack. Shit, it seems like I'm always on a seafood diet... When I see food, I fucking eat it. Let's go to the video tape...

Bread. The mini corn muffins were pretty decent and the bread logs were a bit tough and chewy... Not expecting anything fancy on the free bread but do they really need to continue on with this added expense? Just get rid of it because they throw out so many of these things anyways...

Our Famous Peartini, Grey Goose Pear Vodka, Amaretto, Sweet & Sour, Sugar Rim. It's kinda embarrassing to even tell people I ordered this but I did and I drank it... If you're about to go into a diabetic seizure, drink like 3 of these things and you'll be fine because they are was so fucking sweet. I will not be ordering this thing ever again... I got a beer next.

Jumbo Lump Crab Cake, grainy lemon mustard butter, vinegar chips. What a piece of art this was... Two chips on top of a crab cake, hiding all it's glory. The chips were cut length wise so that was kinda cool and it tasted average... But the crab cake itself, while on the smaller end, was lumpy, seasoned properly and had a nice crispy sear on it. Not a bad crab cake at all. I would get it again... Maybe even when I'm in my mid 70's and tell the young whipper snappers all about it back in the days.

Beer Battered New England Cod, french fries, tartar sauce, malt vinegar. I never had their fish and chips... But it was a very plump portion. The batter was golden brown and crispy but it wasn't covered all the way around, it had some bare spots. Not a big deal but you would expect it to be fully coated in this joint. It was a pretty good fried fish, overall... The chips, well, they were just plain old brown bag fries.

Soft Shell Crab "lightly fried", shallot-dill mayo, bibb lettuce, tomato, butter toasted egg bun, HM chip. The main event finally arrived... And it looked glorious! This was totally worth the 15 bucks or so... The whole fried soft shell crab was crispy, moist and tasted great. Put it all together in sando formation and it's a hefty snack. This time they gave you more than two home made chips, but it tasted better than the ones used on the crab cake for some reason, so fucking weird. Maybe the other ones were from yesterday's batch that they had to use up. I was just lucky to be at the right place and at the right time with this soft shell crab special. This was good and I would definitely get it again.

Buckhead Diner is an oldie but a goodie for the pedestrians. I don't come here much because the menu never changes and I find most dishes boring as fuck here but sometimes you just have to see what they're up to after such a long hiatus from this resto group. Maybe I was just lucky this time around with getting all seafood dishes at this joint and they all turned out pretty decent... But that soft shell crab sando made this visit a lot better than it really should have. I know everyone has been here a gazillion times and knows that the food is totally acceptable and don't need the pouch to say it so... Nevermind the pouch and move along... Move along... Like the cattle that they are... Wait a minzie, I'm just as fat as all these other fuckers in here... Christ, time to cry myself to sleep again tonight...

Oink oink...

3073 Piedmont Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305

Thursday, July 6, 2017

CO Restaurant

I don't know why all these Charleston resto groups are opening up in Atlanta... They have a niche in Charleston but somehow it just ain't jiving with this town's sheeple... Or maybe it's just me. I thought Sean Brock's Minero was just ok but the roundeyes seem to like it enough, shit, there isn't a taco that they don't like. Callies Hot Little Biscuit turned out to be a dud, just forgettable bland biscuits but there was one little unforgettable hottie working there that I wouldn't mind spreading my butter on her shaved biscuit... I was too skeered to ask for her digits because I was retaining water and pizza that day, I'm sure she's not working there anymore with her talent... I should check Cheetah or Tattletales. O-Ku looks fancy and all but the overpriced sushi was just average and the mural with the slope on a scooter was an authentic touch to the decor... He looked like he just rode that scooter from the Hanoi Hilton to Mt. Midoriyama to compete on American Ninja Warrior. It had absolutely nothing to do with Japanese cuisine. Now, comes another Charleston transplant with another Asian theme... CO which supposedly translates to "feast". I love gimmicky names, they usually turn out so good...
So, they decided to anchor the opposite corner of Rize Artisan Pizza at the new 675 N. Highland complex... Which we all know that Rize is always dead as fuck in there no matter what time or day it was. It wasn't god awful but there's no fucking way I would go back just for the decent wings I had on my visit when everything else was just extremely middling. I kinda thought the pedestrians woulda gobble that slop up but I guess this area is still just too local hipster for that crowd they're looking for. But enough of that fake 'ZA, let's check out this new Asian joint which has a cesspool of a menu that encompasses almost every Asian cuisine (Vietnamese, Japanese, Thai, Chinese, Malaysian, Korean, Hawaiian, shit, the only thing missing is Indian, Taiwanese, Nepalese, Cambodian and Filipino but there's always room for improvements) and even a touch of Mexican't. Reading this menu gave me a headache and a pouchache from the interloping of different and clashing flavors and ingredients. But shit, that has never stopped the pouch from spearheading the first look of any resto for my one reader... They have been opened for a couple of weeks or so and for a brand new resto right in town to not be jamming for the first couple of months is a bad sign of what's to come... Will they contract the Scoutmob curse that Rize has caught? Let's go take a looksies and see if they will prove me wrong... 

At least they got their liquor license... Or else I woulda ran across the street to Righteous Room. This California made sake was decent enough to keep me in the seat and not walk out after I saw the menu.

Boba Thai Tea with bursting passion fruit boba. It had the color but the taste was so watered down, it was so weak and disgusting... Made me think I was drinking the dripping pipe water under my sink coming from the insinkerator. Those bursting boba tasted like freshly laid bullfrog eggs when they pop inside your dirty face hole. Skip it.

Fresh summer rolls, shrimp, pork, rice vermicelli, bean sprouts, mint, cilantro, served with hoisin peanut sauce & nuoc cham. I guess these were ok, nothing really special about them and I wasn't expecting them to be but I had to try it for some reason... Slutty Thai apps have a way about them. The peanut sauce was this weird sweet brown sauce with chopped up bits of peanuts and the nuoc cham was watery and didn't have that kick from the fish sauce.
Korean rice bowl marinated wok steak, sunny side egg, kimchi, sprouts, edamame, cucumber, pickled carrots, served over jasmine rice with sweet & spicy gochujang sauce. One would think that with all that stuff in that bowl it would have amazing flavors after mixing it all up... But no dice. Spent like 8 minzies mixing that thing up to a perfect pink gooey mess and turned out absolutely flavorless. It had all the ingredients to be a tasty bowl of bibimbap but it was more played out than MMMbop. You would think the spicy gochujang sauce would give me some heat in my heart since I have never known the warmth of a woman's touch. Looks like I'll be crying myself asleep alone tonight, again.

Masa Ramen. This is basically their version of a tonkotsu ramen and it looks like it's only available on the Atlanta menu... And of course, I fell for it hook line and stinker, again. The broth looked creamy and fatty but it was pretty much watery and bland. The noodles were a bit overcooked and mushy. The thin flappy skin like slices of pork tasted like it was boiled in battery acid because it lacked color and flavor... Kinda reminded me of the loose skin on the bad guy in RoboCop who drove into the toxic waste tank... Mmm, so mouth watering. The nori, scallions, sprouts and corn gave it more added value to this bowl but it really didn't do much to alter the overall flavor of this noodle bowl. It showed well on first looks but the taste was weak as shit. Maybe I should have just stuck with their popular curry laksa, instead... Not gonna say it's authentic but at least I know what to expect.

Banh Mi five spice pork belly szechuan pepper, cinnamon, star anise, cloves, cardamom. It looked pretty decent on first glance but once you start to inspect it your excitement start to diminish with each passing minute. While it looked freshly baked, the bread was chewy and hard to pull apart. The veggie filler looked good but they were not pickled enough. Let's take a closer look at the pork belly...

Cross section of the belly... I don't see any fat on that belly or any color/grilling/charring on the outside. Jesus, did they sous "acid bath" vide this, too? There was barely a hint of five spice and the pork slab itself was tough and chewy... Add in the hard to pull apart bread and you're wishing for a jar of Poligrip. Seriously, switch it out for a nice thick slice of grilled SPAM and it would taste 10 times better. You can be easily fooled by the good looks of this banh mi in the light but once you take a bite, you're wishing they had the Clapper to turn off the lights... So, you can at least walk outta there without the shame. That Asian slaw thinger in that urine sample container tasted like sun dried cabbage tossed in Elmer's glue... Why anyone would pay $10 for any banh mi on the menu is just quite perplexing. 

It's always dead as fuck in here on a Friday and Saturday night, just like their opposite end neighbor, Rize. It's like the Bermuda triangle in this building... With the old Flip Burger space across the street as the 3rd point. We may have just found the next cursed location. Why this Charelston resto group decided that Atlanta would be a good fit is beyond me, maybe they were just following all the other restos opening intown like a sheep. The Asian cuisine here is so gringorized, no focus, no technique, just throw a bunch of Asian sounding dishes on there and they will come... There's even tacos on the menu and not one roundeye is even buying into that noise. The bar looks pretty nice and decent but they don't stay open late enough for people to actually hang around for drinks. These new to the area concepts and chains are just old news these days when the spoiled and entitled millennials constantly demand new and shinier things every other week. They really should have done their research and demographics for their food concepts because CO really belongs in OTP... At least Rize was smart enough to open their other location in upstate Atlanta... Sandy Springs is more both their speed. I would not be surprised if Rize closes their original location here in the near future... Wait, they're on Scoutmob, nevermind, it's a given. As for CO, I wish them nothing but the best and hopefully they can CO-exist with Rize, not that they are in competition or anything, they are just basically fighting for their own survival to exist... My mama told me once that if I ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say it at all... Oops, too late, mamapouch. I guess she doesn't read the Lipz that often.

675 North Highland Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30306

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Taco Bell Double Chalupa Box

Another month means another gimmick from Toxic Hell... Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I mean, I appreciate that my one reader has stuck by the pouch after all these years but c'mon, why do you eat shit like this, pouch? The answer is because it's there to be eaten and I'm very lonely. Jesus Christ, I will eat anything... And then cry myself to sleep. This is how pathetic the pouch is for attention... Stooping down to this low rent dump, again... But they sure do make this creasture look so good on the TV, though. I had to see what all the fuss was about... Let's take a gander, shall we? We as in that means me, just me, alone with this thing in the dark in my tiny wretched apartment in a church basement... Jesus, I need one of those Japanese sex dolls... But in the meantime, I'm just gonna have to snuggle with this specimen. 

So, here is a picture of this Double Chalupa... It's pretty beefy and doesn't look too bad, right? Taco Bell's website says, "Some might call it a boatload of goodness or even a yacht of yumminess. We call it the all new Double Chalupa, and it's only available for a limited time." 
Yeah, right... I call bullshit. It looks more like a Viking Funeral vessel for a giant turd. Douse that fecal coffin in gasoline or flatulence and shoot a flaming arrow at it when you're at safe distance and burn that motherfucker down. Ok, I'm just fucking around... But it's Taco Bell, we all know we won't get what the pretty pictures shows... So, let's see what reality has in store for us... I know a trip to the toilet is a given but let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet...

The Big Box is $5. It gives you the illusion that it looks and feels hefty... Like you're getting your money's worth. Jesus, I hope there isn't a dick in that box... Time to open that box.

And that's they way you do it... I didn't get the same sense of enlightenment like Vincent did when he opened up Marsellus Wallace's briefcase with this Big Box. There were no golden rays of light... Maybe just a golden shower at best... If I'm lucky. We all know about the regular old soft taco and the bafflingly popular Dorito Locos taco. But the big man on campus in this box was the Double Chalupa... Looks like someone forgot to inflate it to 35 psi. Let's take a closer look...

Close up of the beast of the bowels... Look at this crestfallen chalupa... Did I expect anything surprising? Fuck no, but I didn't expect a piece of round cardboard folded up and stuffed with a dusting of meat puree and a small garden salad. The thing was not even filled half way up... Did the person making my Big Box eat part of my double chalupa? Because we all know that there's no such thing as half way cooks. The shell is kinda hard and greasy and it doesn't fold or bite into easily. It's a challenge to eat this, maybe that's why they didn't fill this up because half the filler would be smushed out with every bite. It's pretty bland like with all Taco Bell products, you have to load it up with their sauce packets to get any taste out of it.

Well, this fat fuck got suckered again with their newest gimmick and I will prolly get suckered in again on their next new gimmick... Not that I'm that stupid or a total retard but it's more like doing research like a journalist so I can report back to my one reader. The double chalupa was double the fail in all aspects... I would just use the shell like a bowl and just eat the filler inside it. And then use the shell like a toilet bowl in 10 minzies... Trust me, you'll need it after inhaling all the contents of this box. Then find a nice little running creek, light it on fire and send it down river back to the gods whence it came. If you really want to fully experience this mess, get a big box and put it in the fridge, go out and get really fucked up and then come home, nuke it for a minzie and it will taste like a gift from the gods... Don't be surprised if you wake up the next morning with your underpants around your ankles and praying to the porcelain god with crumpled TP in both your hands... Not that it happened to me recently or anything.


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Lucky Thai

Everyone knows that when you're in Thailand you can get lucky real easy but you also gotta do the tucky test on any suspect kathoey to make sure that cameltoe isn't just a wiener wrapped up in duct tape... But over here on state side, it's quite difficult to get lucky with a place with decent Thai grub. They may say they got authentic kathoey grub but most of the time it turns out to be baba booey in disguise... You know, a fugazi, a fake, a fraud, a forgery, a hoax, a sham, a charlatan. Like I have said many times before... There just ain't any spectacular Thai in this one horse town, I didn't say authentic because it would never sell in this town... It's just too much heat for the pale ones.
So, one day, I drove passed a Taco Bell and all of the sudden I had a hankering for their new gimmick of the month- the Double Chalupa which they state it's a "boatload of goodness or even a yacht of yumminess"... Yeah, it's more like a Viking funeral vessel for a giant flaming turd, but that's another review. So, I turned around and pulled into the Cafe Bombay strip mall which is always dead as fuck... I was going through the back way to Taco Bell but then I noticed a relatively new Thai joint that's a couple doors down from the gangsta Pure Lounge (don't worry, I will get to this place soon, it looks fancy!)... My double chalupa plans became null and void when there's another Thai grub to investigate for my one fan... I can't wait to see what awaits the pouch in this back alley Thai joint.
The first thing you see on their website is a self-proclamation that they are "Atlanta's Highly Recommended Asian Restaurant"... Shit, with words like that, who can resist a highly rec'd resto that serves only Asian cuisine? But my one reader may be asking themselves, what kinda Asian cuisine? Isn't it obvious? They serve only the bestest Oriental grub... Naturally.
Walked in and sat down... Look around and there is no hint of booze anywhere... My suspicions were confirmed when the 60 year dry aged ladyboy reaffirmed the fact that they don't have a booze license. I was fucking livid inside... I almost wanted to go next door to Pure to slammed down a few shots of Hpnotiq and Hennessy, otherwise known as the Incredible Hulk because I wanted to smash that joint up! But I didn't since I have recently became a born again Buddhist because I want peace and serenity now... And who can resist those flowing robes? They are so fucking indulgently soft, bro... I swear they're at least 800 count. It feels almost godly wearing those moo-moo's... Fuck total consciousness on my death bed, just give me the 800 count of Egyptian cotton now. I was still kinda pissed that they didn't even have a beer and wine license... But they had a menu, let's take a look and don't piss me off any further with some shitty dishes... And of course, they already started on the wrong foot with a bunch of slutty Chino grub... The first thing I see is Crab Rangoon... WTF, yo? Then came edamame and pot stickers, and wonton, egg drop, hot & sour soup... I'm getting green and I didn't even drink Hpnotic. The entire Entree part of the menu was all junky gwailo Chino dishes except for the Spicy Basil... Ok, it's totally a roundeye dish but at least it wasn't Chino. Skipped the entire Entree section... Then came curry, noodles, flied lice and house specials which were mostly Thai. It gets better as go you down further... That's what she said... But then came the Japanese section which was like more than half the menu (why is this place called Lucky Thai again?). The sushi/sashimi did not look that good at the tiny sushi bar to me but I was still curious as a pussy cat about the sushi anyways... Let's just get to the good stuff already, you talk too much pouch...

Rock & Roll bbq eel and avacado. I was gonna try the 3 fish sashimi sampler with the standard tuna and salmon but the last fish on the the list was escolar... It used to be hamachi but they changed it to the cheap disgusting escolar. Seeing it on the menu almost made me gag, didn't even have to see the actual product. So, I resorted to getting something safer but still not the gaijin stuff... This bbq eel and avocado roll was quite long, it had a lot of pieces on it (8 to be exact and 1 retarded one on the end). It was average at best and the shit fell apart too easily when you try to eat it. There was nothing really memorable about this but at least it was cheap.

Spider Roll soft shell crab, cucumber, avocado, and masago. Of course, if I see this on the menu I will get it... I'm such an old dog when it comes to the Spider Roll... But not just any old dog, a Pavlovian dog because I am properly conditioned... I also slobber, too, when I see this. This roll was also a hefty portion... 10 pieces for about $11 which was a steal. But how did it taste, pouch? Eh, it was ok, not much flavor to it, even with all that brown jizzy sauce all over it. The soft shell crab wasn't all that crunchy, it kinda steamed itself soft. The pieces also broke apart easily when you picked it up... I lost like 3 pieces trying to get it into my snout. I had to lick the plate like a mangy mutt which I gladly did. Those 5 dollops of spunk looked like those candy buttons you peeled off a piece of paper. Too bad they tasted like it came from a 80 year sack. I don't know, I don't want to crush their wildest dreams but the rolls sucked... So, my pouch instincts were right again and I'm glad I didn't order any of the raw stuff.
Pot Sticker (6 PCS) diced chicken, mix vegetable, and deep-fried served with ponzu sause. My bro, who's a roundeye was dead set on getting a wonton soup... I adamantly told him no like a child. I already knew that wonton soup will suck big time balls... But I had to compromise and let him get the pot stickers... How the fuck are these pot stickers? They were deep fried in a basket... They weren't even near a fucking pot let alone stick to them. Look, these were dismal... Tasted like they were made in a dumpling class for 5 year olds. The chicken was bland, the veggie filler was non-existent and the ponzu sause tasted like watered down fake soy sauce packets. I like the effort with the nice doily on the plate but putting a freshly laid turd on a Hermes silk scarf doesn't make it taste any better. These fried stickers were pretty much as low rent as you can get. Skip them at all cost. Let's try the dishes we came here for...

Green Curry with chicken, bell pepper, bamboo shoot, broccoli, carrot, zucchini, and basil (Spicy). Server says how hot do you want it... I'm like I want it Thai Hot only if you can do it right without adding sambal in there and turning it into a pink goo. She's like ah, then you might want to just make it hot then. I know, sweet tits, I know how Thai joints in this town operate... There is no such thing as Thai Hot in this town, ever. It's a pretty standard green curry. I was really hoping to find some Thai eggplant in there but they used zucchini, instead. The chicken slices were a bit dried out but the not spicy curry helped moisturize them a bit. It's a colorful dish but so are the fancy food pics in magazines... Doesn't mean they will taste good in reality. I have no desire to revisit this curry again.

Drunken Noodle with beef, bell pepper, onion, and basil (Spicy). If I can't get fucking drunk here then I can at least eat drunk noodles... I asked for hot again because Thai Hot is just not an option here. I don't want my drunken noodles to look like a smashed red velvet cake. It was an acceptable version, it was tasty enough for me to keep eating it. The noodles needed a little more dark soy sauce to give it a bit more flavor. I saw no Thai chiles on this dish, just some specks of red chili flakes. The beef slices were fine, seasoned ok and tender. Overall, this noodle dish was decent enough to get again if you needed a quick fix. But it ain't no destination for drunken noodles... Unless, you're pissed drunk then you wouldn't even know the difference this and a bowl of Maruchan's finest.

Pad Thai with chicken, stir fried rice noodle, eggs, green onion, bean sprout, lime, and crushed peanut. I liked that they put the crushed peanuts on the side for you to sprinkle on but if I had known how dried out the chicken was then I would have gotten another protein, shit, I may have even opted for the tofu as a last resort. It looked and tasted pretty decent on the first bite after mixing it all up with the lime juice and peanuts but it woulda been a lot better if they applied a bit more tamarind paste and fish sauce... It needed to be more funky. I know most roundeyes can't stand fish sauce because it smells like the hooker they banged in Atlantic City back in the early 90's... But in a pad thai, the more funkier, fishier and pungent-er it is the better. It could be a very decent pad thai if it had the deeper flavor. Not bad overall, though.  

There's really no Thai joints around this general vicinity (Toco Hill will be the closes) so if you're desperate and need a quick fix for slutty Chinese, skanky sooshee and sleazy Thai, I guess it will do. The lack of a booze license will make it more difficult for me to come back again but shit, there's always Pure Lounge next door to do some pre-gaming and post-gaming. That Hpnotic can put anyone in a trance and make anything taste good... Except for Pure's food. No amount of party liquors or hypnotist can make their menu taste good.

1594 Woodcliff Dr NE Suite F
Atlanta, GA 30329

Friday, June 23, 2017

The Federal

I have been here a few times and it has always delivered... Shaun Doty is back and loving it. Not in a McDonald's kinda way but he sure does love him some Mickey Deez fwies and McGwiddles, they are fucking irresistible... Have you seen his pouch? He can give me a run for my money... Err, make that a slow walk for my money. After making a ton of loot with the sale of the old burger joint and the current cash cow from their cheekan joints, he now had the F U money to start up a full service resto and cooking real grub again. Not that the cheekan shacks ain't good, they are pretty tasty, but they just aren't on my rotation anymore because there's too many fucking spoiled kids with their entitled families eating up in that piece these days... Those types of douchebags annoys me to no end, so I just rather stay away. The Federal is more Shaun's and Lance's speed, bringing back the popular hits from his old resto in Inman Park into midtown like the sardinian flatbread and pork schnitzel.
I loved the joint when it was in Inman Park because it was cool and hip and kinda off the beaten path... But repurposing the old B+B space in midtown was a smart move instead of finding another location which is expensive as fuck these days in midtown. I must admit that this new adult friendly joint won't be on my regular rotation just because of the location... Midtown has become such a shit show, a goat rodeo gone wild... So, I try to limit myself to noshing at midtown joints to only once a week. But I had to make a special visit because of the new 50 day dry aged manmeat special that he's got going on these days. That is some claim, I don't think anyone is doing a 50 day aged manmeat in this town except here... And that sounds like a challenge to the pouch.
Let's sneak in and see if the food is just as good if they didn't know the pouch was coming in... Shhhh, I'm hunting manmeat...

Dinner Ball Loaf. Warm, crusty, moist and soft... Jesus, sounds like I'm inside a Tauntaun's pouch. I like this bread ball... If they ever serve soup in this thing, I will shit. The herb butter was room temp and the smeared was spot on. I usually don't eat much bread but this was kinda irresistible. I ate like 1/3 of it and then put the blanket back over it so I stop staring at it and eating it more.

Blue Crab Cake, grained mustard, napa slaw. Not the prettiest presentation but that hefty lumpy crab cake was the star... And it was pretty awesome, but if you took that crab cake off the plate, it would like a half eaten plate destined for the trash. The crab was seasoned well, moist inside and just a bit browned on the surface... Just the kinda crabs I want in my mouth.

Oxtail French Onion Soup, gruyere cheese. Look at this cauldron of melty bubbling cheese... Once you dig through that upper layer of cheese and bread, the oxtail onion soup was damn good. Full of rich flavors and a decent amount of oxtail chunks. It ain't a classic French onion soup but I'll take it because I'm totally down with the infusion of the oxtail... It made it that much better.

House Cured Salmon, crispy farm egg, lemon cream, fennel, black bread. Where's the bagels? Oh, it's dinner time, not breakfast... At first, I thought the whole fried egg was a little strange on cured salmon but it worked. Shit, I love eggs... I would eat them on anything. I would even put this egg on fwied cheekan, goddamn it. The salmon was real tasty and it also came with the black bread. It was a decent portion for cured salmon, too, other joints usually only give you a few fish flaps.

Black Bread. I don't know if this would be my first choice for the cured salmon but it held up nicely to my abusive paws slapping them salmon on here.

16 oz 50 Day Dry-Aged Manhattan Strip. Fuck yeah, dude, but 68 fucking dollars is a lot to pay for any 16 oz piece of manmeat... But this was dry-aged for 50 days. I don't know how many other joints are doing it in this town but last time I counted it was none... So, I had to see what all the fuss was about on this beast. I was really hoping for the ribeye but on this night they had a chunky strip which I was skeptical about... But I ordered this hunk of fucking manmeat anyways. It was perfect mid-rare in the most industry standard which was kinda blue in the center. But it wasn't as tender as I thought it would be... That's because my mind was still thinking about the ribeye. The strip just doesn't have as much marbling as the ribeye does... Not that it was bad, far from it but it just has a different texture in the mouth and sliding down your throat... The girls know what I'm talking about... And some boys, too. Oooh, kinky. Anyways, it was still a dericious piece of meat, seasoned well, great char on the outside and perfect temp on the inside... But I don't think I would do it again at that price point no matter how many days it was dry aged... Ok, I may be suckered into doing it again if it was a ribeye. 

Roasted Beets with Tahini. This was something different on the sides, unless I totally ignored it on the other visits. That is some portion of beets... It's almost like a beet caviar. The colors are gorgeous and it tasted fresh and healthy.... Shit, even a rubber boot would taste healthy after inhaling that hunk of manmeat.

Sauteed Morels. I ordered the hen of the woods shrooms but Shaun hand delivered this and said, shhhh, don't tell anyone but I made you some morels, instead... Fuck yeah, bro... Shit, it was like Christmas and his heart was open wide. Gonna give the pouch something, so it knows what's on Shaun's mind. A gift real special, so take off the top. Take a look inside... It's his morels in a box. And that's the way you do it. This was some helping... And second and third helpings, too. There were so much of it I couldn't eat it all after everything else. Box that shit up, pweez.

They got something special going on here, only a handful of people remember the old Shaun's but this new joint is keeping that animal spirit alive. They are loving it, too... Because I know they miss the chaos and challenges of a higher end restaurant that makes you a better cook each and everyday. Keep pumping out those tasty dishes and I'll keep squirting with glee, you silly bastards... But only every other week... Because, you know, it's in goat rodeo midtown and also near that god awful RA sushi with their ginzo crowd... Don't they have gym, tan or laundry to do...

1050 Crescent Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30309