Friday, January 30, 2015

Pouch Giblets

This plump marsupial's new year's resolution is to work out the pouch even more this year... My trainer says I need to start strong from the beginning or else I'll get lazy like a sack of platypus dung. And I must say the pouch is off to a very disciplined start. I'm gonna be ripped by April for my new pouchkini reveal. Who the fuck am I fooling... I'm so obeast even Oprah laughs at me. I have two speeds- chew and swallow... Just make sure you keep your children's hands and feet clear away, it's like a beaver's mouth, sharp, deadly and full of bacteria.

Let's take a look at my workout schedule so far...

Banh Mi with Cauliflower and Eggplant. I thought I would be bored with this after the first couple of bites but this shit was good. Don't tell any vegansexuals that I inhaled this meatless hog. The bread was real good.

Korean Fried Chicken... Sandwich. Yeah, I thought I was gonna get me some real fried chicken but it was between two buns. The kimchi slaw was pretty weak and made a mess. But the thick piece of cheekan was pretty tasty, the crust melted or fell apart into pieces after being steamed inside that foil. It was a good try but I'll skip it next time and stick to the favorites like the burger or cheesesteak.

Fries. These are good french fwied pur-taters... Mmm mm.

Tonkotsu. The westside location is not as good as the original, kept me from going back for awhile because of the lackluster experience. But the original location made up for it on my recent last visit. The broth is not as rich or full of collagen (because we know their secret on the stock) but it did the trick on a cold day. If you're smacking your lips after a bowl of sticky collagen full broth you know that was a good bowl. This bowl was decent and fills the pouch but it ain't no rock star.

Shio. Lightly salted broth but after guzzling half the bowl, the salt starts building up. Still a nice bowl of noodle soup.

Wonton Noodle Soup. Day after NYE's, all the crackers were out in full force at all the standby pho joints. So, I sneak into my standby joint for an excellent bowl of WNS. This shit is cheap and one of the better places for it.

Congee with 1000 Year Old Egg and Pork. I can't leave this joint without a bowl of this to eat here or to go. They make a very respectable version besides my own and it really warms the pouch up when it's cold out.

Taqueria El Vecino.
Tacos, Barbacao and Pastor. This joint doesn't even look like a Mexican't joint, it's full of white people working here with bad Spanish accents. I hope the tacos don't take like meatloaf. Corn tortillas, that's a good start. Both proteins looked the same and tasted the same, baffling. I did spy a couple dark skinned hermanos in the kitchen, so I don't know what the fuck is going in there. The rice and beans... Well, you know.

Puerco en Salsa Verde. This was totally the opposite of the tacos. This was actually pretty tasty. They give you a shitload of pork but the salsa verde was pretty watery and bland. The rice and beans... Toot, toot.

The Grove.
Lemon Pepper. I have never been in here before. But I'm glad I did because it's full of old people. I love that shit, watching how the geriatric underworld operates at night. Where do they keep their Rascals and is there a supply of Fixodent behind the bar? I never really got the lemon pepper concept, it's never real lemons, just some powder mix of chems and stale black pepper tossed to coat after frying. They seasoned these very lightly and it didn't have the lemony, peppery kick that it should. The wings are pretty good but the mix was middling.

Naked. Sauce on the side. Thank god, I usually order it this way because they have one sauce. If you want medium, they pour a lil in and toss. If you want hot, they pour a lot of it in and toss. What a crock of shit! I kinda like their thinkin', though... People are pretty stupid they wouldn't even notice. The "hot" sauce tasted like a mix of Cholula and Texas Pete... which is mild-medium at best. The naked wings were spot-on medium size, crispy and juicy. No complaints on the wings, just the stupid hot sauce.

House Salad. For a couple of bucks, this simple house salad was not half bad.

I saw this dynamic duo on the tee vee and thought either this could be the best drunk grub ever or the most diabolical. I got really fucked up one night at some bar and saw this dump on my way home on the corner at a red light, so of course I had to pick this shit up.. Biggest mistake of my life for my poor bowels. Instant IBS. Ok, the second biggest mistake after that incident with a Hot Pocket, a red solo cup and a gerbil. I will spare my one reader the bloody details... Use your imagination, pal. But these two specimens need no imagination, they're as rancid as they look. What kinda of sorcery is this... And can someone tell me which is the chicken or the fish..

Wings N Grill.
This dump is in a corner of a K-Roger strip mall somewhere in Indianville off the Scott Blvd area. The wings are tiny and the extra extra hot sauce is weaker than Stephen Hawking doing curls with a Bic ball point pen. The other flavor was honey BBQ which was HFCS heaven... Shit went straight to my ass and taint for a reach around. Look away and keep moving.

Tin Roof.
Lemon Pepper and Extra Hot Wings. I'm just a glutton for punishment... Well, mostly just a glutton that gets punished for shoveling crap from a plastic picnic bowl into the inner recesses of my volatile bowels. This pairing has been the standard for the pouch. Maybe I'm just trying to see what real lemon pepper wings taste like from a place that actually makes it... And these ain't it. The extra hot wings were medium hot once again. The size of the wings were acceptable, just a tad smaller than the robust medium wings that I expect. 

Chicken Tender and some beat up hobo fries. I love fried cheekan of any background and culture but these had the smell and taste of old fryer oil. Yes, they were crispy and crunchy but that rancid oil flavor is not very appetizing... Ok, maybe after a few cocktails and shots... And a triple dog dare.

Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream.
Chocolate Hazelnut Sandwich. This poontang makes some purdy tasty frozen cream sandwiches. Took a couple of bites and handed it off to a hobo out in the cold... Who said the pouch wasn't giving?

This extended workout made the pouch tysies... Time to crawl back to the church basement and cry myself to sleep.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Tanuki Pouch

When the fluffy obeast raccoon dog with the oversized cojones gets a hankering for raw pink smooth flesh that smells like the sea... It doesn't go to the Pony, it goes to sushi joints where the chefs have the skills of a Rabbi.. Slicing and dicing away delicate flesh from today's catch or whatever is on the back of a Sysco truck. Let's take a look at what this rat dog have been stuffing in his giant sack..

This joint is the original izakaya and still the king in Atlanta. They are constantly packed with ex-pats and now there's a good mix of whities who actually found a palate for tasty grubbage. I usually get a seat quickly but I would hate waiting around for one.. But have no fear, they are opening a second location intown. Shit, did I say that out loud? But I won't tell you where it is, I'm just glad they're replacing a place that I found disappointing on every visit but others raved about it because they don't know any better. Nevermind that, just look at the pretty pics...

Baby Shrimp. Sometimes, I feel like a whale (besides looking like one) and want to eat like one. This dish makes my fucked up dreams come true.

Ankimo. Monkfish liver... Foie gras of the sea with the face only a mother could love. Luckily, we're not eating the face.. But I hear that the monkfish's mouth is a good replacement for an apple pie.

Soft Shell Crab. Always a favorite here. Can't go wrong with this little crispy ocean nugget.

Fried Stingray. This is a recent addition to the menu. I liked these a lot. They're like little fish chips.

Fish Cake. Different version from their original which were better. These were ok, I wouldn't order these again.

Sashimi Deluxe. This is why I come here. This is the first thing I order, wait, Hiroshi already knows to start making this when I walk in because I order it every time. I love the presentation and the assortment. It's pretty fucking radical. It's not the highest grade (damn good, tho) but the pretty colors make up for it. The best ginger in town which you have to ask for.

Sweet Shrimp Heads. After sucking out the raw brains from these lil beauties, they're off to the fryer with the tails shoved up their cranium. The results are glorious...

Behold, the fried heads of Shoya. I could eat these alone and be happy.. Once, I even sought out for leftover scraps from amateur eaters at the bar and when they weren't looking I snagged a few heads... I know what you're saying, what a disgusting motherfucker but hey, once it's deep fried in 350 degree oil bath, it's just as good as if it came from my piehole.

Sushi Avenue.
Decatur is not really the place for quality sushi but when you're fucking sloshed from multiple Jack-n-Coke slushies and the pouch is in the mood for some Asian persuasion.. Since there's no legit massage parlors around here parts, this will have to do.

Sushi Combo. Look, it's ain't the prettiest or tastiest... Kinda looks like last night's Master Chef Junior tag team sushi challenge. But it's either this or a fucking burrito next door... Since, I really don't want to shit my pants with hot chicks around, I'll take this any day.

Shrimp and Veggie Tempura. It's fried and I'm drunk... What can go wrong?

The accoutrements... Crappy side salad and fake miso soup. Be gone with it, wench!

When I come.. Here. I like to finish off with some milky substance in my mouth. And yes, I did swallow.

Nori Nori.
The monthly piglet convention reconvened here again with the unlimited consumption of mass quantities of raw fishery.

Look at the color of the tuna. Tis was good... And I only did the 2 finga diet in the bathroom once. My mom must be so proud of me. Burp.

I got home and looked in the mirror after the gorge fest at Nori Nori... I finally realized that I'm no Brad Pitt. Time to make like Luca Brasi... And cry myself to sleep with the fishes.

Friday, January 23, 2015

The Cockentrice

Everyone loves the Spotted Trotter... But will everyone love The Cockentrice's meat-centric menu? You definitely won't find any veganal favorites in here (is veganal even a word, fuck it I just made one up), bless their hearts... But will the average mook find something they can eat here? This menu highlights probably the most eclectic menu I have seen in awhile for this town. It's not full of weird exotic creatures, nothing like that but this is not the common menu you see everywhere that caters towards people with limited palates who wants to be seen out in the scene. To me, this menu is pretty awesome and ballsy and a total breath of fresh air... But it feels like they depend too much on their charcuterie to carry a full service resto. I would like to see more diversity but my only concern is that they will probably change it to something more accommodating for the pedestrians. But the real test is how does it taste... Let's take a first lookie. The framed poster of the Tauntaun butchery chart in the meat locker is a good sign..

Old Fashioned done proper. Getting a spot on cocktail really depends on the bartender making your drink. I got lucky tonight... Again and again.

Suckling Pig Grattons. Instead of ordering the suckling pig as a main, I rather test it out with their app. These crispy savory cubes of swine were very tasty. The Jerusalem artichoke whip (puree) was a little thin but still did the job, just needed a little more seasoning. The warm pork belly mustard woulda been better off with Chinese hot mustard for that swift kick in the ass with these porky cubes. Still a very tasty nibble. The skewer is a bearable gimmick.

Mushroom Custard with Bone Marrow. I could bathe in this cauldron of groovy earthy gooey shroomy boney marrowy life sustaining substance like in the Matrix... Or maybe just the cocktails were talking. All I remember was scooping this on the crostini in a repeated ATM motion (arm to mouth vs ass).

Heirloom Prosciutto, Southern Fire Pork Snack Stick,  Duck Fat & Foie Gras Pate. Mind you that these were all separate items with different price tags. Putting them all together on a board gives it more heft but remember you'll be paying the price for these tiny morsels. The quality is there but I'm pretty sure you can get similar product else where for less. Most people would be insulted by the scant scraps, but me, I'm usually insulted on a daily basis so it doesn't affect me much anymore.

Beef Shins. Something a little different on the menu. I ordered it just because of the name. Who doesn't like shins? Well, I can't tell you if it were truly shins but this was just ok. It was kinda tender at spots and had decent flavor but that biscuit thing sitting underneath it was greasy and yet dry. I hope this was an one-off because I would skip this the next time. If they had a beef elbow on my next visit, I would prolly be suckered into it... I would definitely do a beef armpit, though.

The Krog Street Market is doing good things, a great mix of shit in one place. I love the Spotted Trotter and I like the idea of Cockentrice... It needs time to develop and find themselves, they have a heavy hitter in charcuterie already, they just need to take it to the next realm with something different. Charcuterie can only do so much on it's own.

99 Krog St., Suite V,
Atlanta, GA 30307

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Fork In The Road

When I see a giant banner that says "Chicken & Tap"... I don't care if it's in the shittest hood, I'm so there. Any cheekan connoisseur will tell you that it's worth the risk in search of the ultimate fried chicken.. Thank Lord, I was packing my 1911 .45 ACP that day... Now, it's time to pack the pouch with some golden fwied chippies.

The joint is located at Northlake Mall but not inside it (entrance is outside)... Northlake Mall? Yeah, WTF, that's what I said too. This mall is not that ghetto but it ain't that pretty, either. The entire place seemed like it's been inside a time capsule since the mid '80's.. They're still playing White Lion over the PA system for fuck's sake. The Fork is basically a wannabe diner/sports bar with a menu that would make a Greek diner blush. The shit is extensive and covers everything except Sichuan cuisine and sushi. But the hopeful star of the show has got to be the made to order fried cheekan... I'm fat, so I need to order other dishes so I don't look like a lonely hobo waiting for my fwied ghetto pigeon. They got no booze which gave me sad panda face but the not so great beer list is cheap and I would take the Yeungling Black & Tan for $2.50 all day.

Wings. Honey Garlic Pepper and Bombay Bomb with ghost chili sauce (caution: extremely spicy)... Yeah, I can't believe they would even attempt something like that but I'll be the judge of that. They are small wings but they are juicy and not dried out. The honey garlic pepper sauce is sweet as expected but nothing that special. The Bombay Bomb didn't look that spicy. First bite, the heat was a mild to medium at best and it peaked after the first wing. I'll give them a little something for the effort but you won't receive total consciousness after eating these wangz.

Fried Chicken. Pressure cooked and 20 minzies wait they say. I'm excited and the wait is kinda making me moist downstairs already. Then it appears suddenly... 4 pieces of still crackling golden fried legs and thighs. I take a bite without even letting it rest a bit and that shit is lava hot... Fuck it, I don't care, I have kitchen mouth. The crispy skin is thin and has a wonderful crunch factor to it. It could be seasoned a little more but shit, that crust is too good to even think about that. This fwied cheekan even surprised me. This was a very nice yard bird and I would come back for it. The slaw was tasty as well, reminded me a little like KFC's addictive HFCS slaw. I know I know, KFC's cheekan ain't good but somehow I like their slaw. The cajun rice was as expected from a caliber of this place, just ok, it needed a lot more seasoning and spices to give it that extra kick. But for the price of the 4 piece meal, it is definitely in my top 5. I might even go back this week just to see if it was a fluke or not. 

Philly Cheesesteak. Yeah, ordering a philthy at a diner/sports bar is a big gamble (fuck, it's usually a big mistake) but one can't only live on cheekan alone. It came out wrapped up like a Christmas present... Once unwrapped, I was pleasantly surprised by this philthy, did I just say that out loud? The America white cheese Swiss blend (wtf?) with the sliced sirloin with onions, peppers and shrooms were nestled comfortably inside a soft yet durable French loaf. It's no Amoroso roll but fuck, this roll was pliable enough to hold everything inside bite after bite with extreme prejudice. I slayed this meat vag roll like a skank on Boulevard... And she took it hard and held up nicely. Look, there isn't any great philthies in these here parts except maybe for Roy's but when you find one that smells, tastes and chews like one, it's hard to beat this bitch down, even for me. It is authentic? Fuck no. But I'll take this any day over any half-assed philly found everywhere else.

Seriously, what the fuck is going on with this dump putting out secretly decent grub... It must be the location that keeps only the locals in the know. And the locals? They're a special kind of breed... Come to think of it, I don't know what kinda breed they are, maybe a mixed inbred... I'll fit right in. The menu also claims to have a NY Deli Reuben (notice the word "style" is not in there), so you know what the pouch will be reporting on next. And if their Clam Strip platter is anything like HoJo's clam strip when I was kid, I will suck their dick, even the waitresses'.

4800 Briarcliff Rd
Atlanta, GA 30345

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Chinatown Mall Food Court

This food court is by no means anything new to the scene, but it has been a great little food court over the years for very cheap and tasty vittles. It's never been the prettiest food court but they have recently gave it a face lift with new flooring and decor, even the shitter has been updated a bit. There's really only 3 places that I order from.. Usually starts at China Kitchen and moves to the right. The two places on the left side is usually frequented by Mexicans... I laugh at how they love that Americanized Chino slop just like how they laugh at the round eye gringos with their love affair for Americanized Mexican't slop. Crackers love really shitty Mexican't grub, it's uncanny. I'm enamored with Popeyes, so go figure... It's a vicious cycle. But who cares about that shit, the pouch is empty and needs chow now..

Scallion Pancakes. A childhood favorite back then and still a favorite now.

Soup Dumps. These are always consistent here... The skin is a little thicker but the soup and meat ratio is just right. Comes out piping hot.

Beef Chowfun. Consistency is the key with this dish and this visit was pretty good. Right amount of beef and noodles, not too greasy.

Spicy Fish and Tofu. This was the mild version because I had some whities with me for their first visit. They gobbled this dericious shit up... Next time going with their hottest version without tofu. I love this dish, the fish is just so tender and supple.

String Beans with Pork. Gotta get a veggie dish if you want good feng shui and to stay regular. A good pooping does a body good.

General Tso's Cheekan. For shits and giggles, we had to get a familiar dish for our honored guests. They initially wanted either the Dragon and Phoenix or Happy Family but settled for this traditional and authentic dish at the end of the day. Hey, y'all have the Colonel, we have the General... We out rank you, bitches. Ok, I must admit this was pretty damn tasty, it does not consist of that cloying nuclear orange/red HFCS sauce. This was a nice lightly sweet brown sauce that coated each piece thinly and retained all the crunch to the crispy batter. The only thing missing was the spicy red peppers. But besides that, I would totally consider re-ordering this again. This is such a great hangover dish.

I don't even know how many different dishes I have had here over the years but there was never a really bad dish that stood out or made me shit my pants instantly (even with the bathroom facelift, I would still advise against doing #2 in there). If you know what to order or bring a member of the tribe with you to assist, you really can't go wrong with the grub unless you're ordering from Top One Gourmet. I still can't believe that joke of a dish, General Tso's cheekan, was half way decent... I know y'all want to know where it was from... China Kitchen.

5383 New Peachtree Road
Chamblee , GA 30341

Friday, January 9, 2015

Colbeh Persian Kitchen & Bar

When it comes to Persian chow in this town, most people think Rumi's or Sufi's as their go to joint among a handful of other lesser known spots. Both are pretty worthy and tasty. It really comes down to location and which is closer to you. But there's another that popped up in Decatur that is quietly putting out some decent Persian grubbage. Colbeh replaced the lackluster Zucca Bar & Pizza... I don't know if you could really call that pizza but no matter they're dunzo now, so, let's see if this place will stay or go.. What shall the pouch say?

Your standard freebie starter of mixed accoutrements... The flatbread was pretty good.

Triple Dipper. Falafel, hummus, mirza ghasemi. All 3 were pretty tasty, they could have given another falafel or two since they were tiny. The hummus was the stand out, along with the flatbread.

Kale Salad. $10 for kale... And a few specks of jicama, dates and walnuts. Can you say rip off? Isn't kale considered in the "so 5 minzies ago" category now?

Lentil Eggplant Soup. This soup was just ok, not much flavor there to make me soil my underpants. The pouch has limited space, so it needs to have it's priorities in order and this was not one of them.

Veggie Kabob. Your run of the mill garden varietal of veggies. It's not bad but $17 for this? Knock off $5 and it may be worthy of a second look next time. Get some of that flatbread and make a sandwich, shit will fill you up.

Fesenjon, Khoresht Badenjan, Khoresht Karafs. The stew combo is a good way to sample a few different flavors. The fesenjon was the favorite. The chicken and sirloin tips were all pretty tasty. The rice is decent here, Sufi's and Rumi's has some kick ass basmati rice that comes with their stews. This menu has a few other amped up basmati rice options that looked decent as well. Definitely, a must try next time.

Lamb Kabob. Looks like Mr. Hanky made a special holiday appearance... Besides the visual, the lamb was cooked spot on. Very tender, flavorful and a nice light pink inside the brown cubes... Sounds like Steve Kroft going down on Lisan Goines. Can't complain on a decently cooked piece of lamb.

The place was not bad, it was totally acceptable. I just don't know if the demographics aka the hipster craft beer crowd in this area will support this type of Farsi cuisine, they're more of the meat and taters kinda crowd. Not that Persian cuisine is that adventurous but it's still ethnic to them. Decatur has been getting a good variety of dining options and this is a good addition to the square... So, don't fuck it up.

123 East Court Square
Decatur, GA 30030