Thursday, November 2, 2017

Crazy Crab Seafood House

This washed up strip mall in Northlake has been a hobo hangout of sorts... The only thing that really keeps this dumpy mall alive is Coco Cabana and they are fucking suspect as hell... Their menu is just ok but the club scene on the weekends are just a fiesta loca. There is a helluva lot of salsa dancing and sweaty belly rubbing to the tunes of Marc Anthony and Pitbull. The fashion of the patrons looked it came off the run way of a halfway house... Or a donation box outside of Kacey's Home Cooking. So much fucking muffin topping up in that piece... And half of the crowd ain't even Latinos, they're Mexican'ts. It may look like an episode of Life Goes On but in reality it's just an organized shit show of mutts in there... And I can't wait to go back for a revisit.
But a few doors down, there was a spot that once lived a mythical creasture called Mandarin Palace that dwell in this lair for dynasties until one day it just mutated into Red Bowl Asian Bistro... What the fuck is the thought behind this move? Trying to capture the millennial demographics? Not in this neck of the woods... I don't think they can even capture the possum and raccoon demographics in this area. Even the pouch said no fucking way after reading the menu... I can get that shit anywhere, USA.
And then not even months later it transformed into a crab boil joint... These fucking things have been popping up everywhere in the last 2 years. You just can't eat this shit everyday, not even once a month, it's just too goddamn messy to eat... Plus, making this shit at home is easy as fuck, even a fat fuck like this oinker can do it. Just toss everything in a pot and turn it to 11. Dunzo.
But pouch, we don't care about your home made slop... We want to know what's the deal with this new crab joint. Don't worry, my one reader will get the scoop on this crab shanty soon enough... Like now... The inside hasn't changed much, they just basically redecorated it with a seaside riff. It's cheesy as fuck but it's clean at least. Jesus, I'm scratching my one ball already... I can feel the crabs crawling up my pants to attack my shriveled sack. Stay the fuck away from the baby turtle or else there will be trouble. Ok, let's take a first look... I'm kinda skeered, just a lil lady bit.

Crazy Crab Seafood Boil Combo for 2, snow crab legs, shrimp, crawfish, clams, mussels, sausage, corn, potatoes. When the server brought this out, I was like why the fuck is she putting the garbage on a silver platter on our table... Shouldn't they be taking out the garbage through the back door? Is this the Royal family's stool bag from under their throne? I was about to yell rat shit until she said that's the combo boil. Ok, I'll buy that, my mistake... For now. Let's open up this sack of suds...

Release the Kraken! And my button fly popped open... Behold! Tis a hefty serving, more than enough for 2 piglets. You can get different flavors and heat levels. But most people will prolly get the garlic butter and mild heat level... Just get the hot sauce on the side and add to it as you like because we all know most hot sauce sucks midget balls. Digging through this cinch sack revealed a lot of food... It's just all resting on the bottom beneath the snow crab legs. It's messy and greasy as fuck, so they give you a plastic lobster bibb and rubber gloves to compensate for this IBSD in a bag on a silver platter... I can hear those crabs saying, no glove no surimi. It's a good boil but what boil isn't? Unless it's full of rancid rotten seafood or just way over cooked to mush. I wouldn't be surprised if most of these ingredients were frozen but it tasted just fine. I ain't gonna rush back here for another combo deal any time soon but it was respectable enough to tell people about it... Shit, I may have spoken too soon... My bowels are starting to erupt into a musical score... Sounds almost like the Flight of the Valkyries... This may be how angels lose their wings... In a shit storm they can't fly through. Ok, it wasn't that bad... But there were some grumblings in the pouch like the Frog King and Lemmiwinks were battling within.

Fried Oyster Basket, cajun fries, hush puppies. The picture looks much heftier than it was... There were about 8 medium size oyster, some with more breading outside than the sea snot inside. They were ok tasting, nothing that gave you an explosion of flavors in your mouth when you bite into them. The cajun fries were regular old brown bag fries with a dusting of fake Old Bay, not much flavor to it... I had to keep dipping it in the garlic hot sauce that came with the boil combo. Hush puppies are always boring, just saw dust filler to trick your stomach that it's satiated. Overall, it's not a bad fried basket just not a lot of oomph to it. When I think of fried oysters, I think of a fat bellied oyster with a light thin crispy crust that literally explodes in your mouth with the full power of it's briny jizz... I think I just soiled my cameltoe underpants thinking about it. Now, I'm thinking about Fork in the Road's fried clam strip dinner... That shit is so good, just like HoJo's back in the days. Based on this oyster fried basket, I assume their other baskets will be similar in taste and execution... Shit, most of them will be from the freezer anyways. Unless you're fucking starving, I wouldn't order the fry baskets... Just stick to the boil items.

I don't have anything too bad to say about this joint, it was actually decent for what it was and it wasn't "Crazy"... But based on the initial small crowd in here on a weekend night, they may be manifesting into another trendy concept in the near future if this doesn't pan out... I don't want to say it but it may eventually have something to do with poke. But in the mean time, I won't stop my one reader from making a visit here. I don't think it will matter much to the viability of this spot but Coco Cabana will still be living la vida loca now matter how many times Sybil changes her personality in this space.

4073 Lavista Rd Suite 369
Tucker, GA 30084

Tuesday, October 31, 2017


Remember the look on Vincent's face when he opened up Marcellus' briefcase? That's the same exact look I had when I opened up this golden fried 10 piece mixed box special from Popeyes. This box is basically the window to my soul... Well, more like window to my pouch but there's not much to see since it's usually filled with fwied cheekan most of the time. I haven't had Popeyes in a long time... Ok, it was a month but that's like a life time in the pouch's universe.
Opening this box up was like gentile yutes opening up presents on Christmas morning... Well, from what I heard anyways because we were too poor to buy Christmas presents since I knew there was no Santa, just a pervy fat slob dressed up with his fly undone at the mall... I still wonder to this day if I was sitting on the arm of the chair or his wooden unit. And maybe being part of the tribe had something to do with not getting any XMAS prizes, too. But celebrating any holiday with a box of Popeyes is accepted across all religions... Instead of celebrating one day with the entire box of this 10 piece mixed, I can celebrate the festival of lights with one piece of cheekan per day. I know what y'all are saying... But there's 10 pieces of cheekan, pouch and Hanukkah is only 8 days long. I know motherfuckers, but there's 9 candles on the Menorah and the 10th piece is for Hanukkah Harry because he's an even fatter fuck than I am. Like a good Hebe, I know how to stretch the price of a single meal at home over 8 days because I don't roll on Shabbos, bitches.
Let's get back on track here... So, Popeyes is running a promo til the end of this month with this 10 piece mixed special for $10. It is a fucking steal... You can't beat that deal with a stick. So, naturally I had to get a box... I thought about getting 3 boxes and sell two to a local restaurant to resell as their own to prospective customers because it's just so good. But in reality I would be eating all 30 pieces if they were sitting in front of me... So, I ended up just getting one box for a rainy day of Stranger Things 2 binge watching. Shit, that 10 piece box will be inhaled way before the 1st episode has even ended. We all know how fucking good Popeyes is already, y'all don't need me to go into details about these gifts from god... But I'm gonna anyways.

10 Piece Mixed Half and Half. I usually just get all spicy but today, I went with half and half... And asked them for 4 handfuls of hot sauce. She's like are you fucking nuts, fatso? I like to paint my cheekan red like the streets of Valencia during La Tomatina... But just much spicier. Jesus, look at the crust on that specimen... It's making me moist all over. Better make sure I have packets of wet naps at the ready for the hot sauce bath about to commence. Yeah, I dump a shitload of hot sauce on the spicy pieces but it's not spicy, it's just merely seasoned to the pouch. The mild is like a blank canvass... So, I basically do the same shit to it as the spicy. The crust is so crispy and not too thick, either... And it holds up to the hot sauce bath. The flesh is so tender and juicy, seasoned so fucking perfectly every time. I love Popeyes so much... I kinda want to have intimate relations with it in my Oval office...AKA the toilet. I don't know what the fuck that means exactly but it's prolly sick coming from the pouch. Bottomline: Popeyes is still the king of fwied cheekan... And Eleven gets to go to the Snow Ball with Mike.


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Arby's Venison Sandwich

I love the bullshit gimmicks from fast food joints that try to lure you in through their doors, they make me wet... I mean like real wet where I have to change into a pair of Depends. I have been sporting those new cameltoe underpants lately and the attention I have been getting is off the hook... Shit, I coulda had some obeast sucka treat me to a meal at Arby's, instead of spending my hard earned cash for laying on my back... But since I have been waiting and waiting for this day to come to fruition, I wanted to be alone with this strapping young buck to devote all my attention to this specimen. The last time I ate at an Arby's, they had the pork belly sandwich which left me kinda impressed with the real pork belly inside. It wasn't gonna change the world but it was totally borderline passable and edible that I would sacrifice myself to their next gimmick for the love of my one reader's loyalty.
Then Arby's teased the world with their vension burger which was available only at selected test locations and Atlanta was not one of them. But now, months later, corporate decided to launch it nationwide... They quietly teased us before and now they are aiming to please everyone across 'Murica with the taste of a freshly killed Bambi between two buns. This gimmick has been gaining some traction in the media leading up to the release and now, to make it even more special and elusive- They are doing it for one day only... "The Venison Sandwich is available on October 21st, quantities are limited." These motherfuckers really know how to cock tease before the release date and then cock block you if you can't make it exactly on that date. You're fucked if you arrive a day late for your buck. But seriously, what makes this sando so special? Well, let's take a look on their website to see what the fuss is all about...

"This limited time sandwich features a thick-cut venison steak marinated in garlic, salt, and pepper and is cooked for three hours to juicy perfection. It’s topped with crispy onions and a juniper berry cabernet steak sauce infused with juniper berries. Served on a toasted star top bun.​​"

Fuck me... They really know how to give you an 8 point boner. That poster board with that juicy manmeat between two buns can make you jizz in your pants instantly with one look... Shit, I open my window and a breeze rolls in and I jizz in my pants but that's another review. But what's this in the fine print... Only two sandos per guest? WTF, yo... I really wanted to buy a bunch of them and freeze them for future sale on the dark web like Rick & Morty's Szechuan Sauce. Damn it, I guess let me try one first before I over extend myself from all the hype.

This meat craft is more like witch craft... Putting a spell on me to buy into this bullshit gimmick. Ok, I'm game... Got suckered in, again! Thanks fat 'Murica, you did it, again! It's a pretty big box... That's what she said, what she said... Why did you say that twice, pouch? ...I didn't. I can only imagine the size of the manmeat stuffed inside that box, I hope it's moist.

Ok, I see two wrinkled buns in a box... Shit, I can get that for free at the assisted living home down the street. Funny, this doesn't look like the picture on the poster board... My 8 pointer just became a 2 pointer. I mean there is nothing sticking out between the buns... Did they forget the venison, onion rings and cabernet steak sauce? Maybe it's time to lift the skirt up and see what's hiding in between those buns because this ain't no man's sando at first glance... Ok, maybe a sando for an emasculated one or a married one. Poor fellas, bless their hearts...

Holy shit... What the fuck is this? Looks like a penis fly trap... I just covered up my junk with my hands instinctively. It's like a self-defense mechanism after staring into the depths of hell of this beast. Those onion rings looked like the remaining bits after a brit milah... Done KFC (Korean fried chicken) style, double fried. This is depressing as fuck... Look at it, it's just sad. Where the fuck is the beef, Wendy? That so-called thick cut venison steak looked like a sewer rat steak. Where's the Nikey venison pump when you need one. I have seen mud flaps thicker than this. That juniper berry cabernet steak sauce looked like a farmer's blow during allergy season. Jesus, I have to eat this? And this fucking thing wasn't cheap... It was over $11 for the meal deal with curly fries and a drink. Goddammit, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and just dive into this muff head first... The shit I do for my one reader. 

Took a couple of bites to inspect this specimen... Looks kinda pornographic doesn't it? Is it weird that I'm kinda getting a blood flow right now... Nevermind. Wait, now, I know why this looked familiar... It totally looks like Christy Mack's lady bits. She was smoking hot before her beat down from the War Machine but this piece of meat looked more beaten up than her face and porn career now.

The more I ate this out, the more it looked like Seka's dried up hatchet wound... Jesus Christ, look at this dark matter, it's evil in it's purest form. Look at how the bun deflated like a whoopee cushion. With all the ingredients listed in this venison burger, you would think there's one hint of flavor that would shine through... Nope, nada, zilch, nothing. It was as bland as the day is long. And it's fucking deer meat, it should be somewhat gamey at least... But these were farm raised so we all know how much flavor develops with anything farm raised GMO's finest. It was chewy but not stringy or sinewy, it was just a mass of tasteless meat substance that coulda been anything that once lived in a test tube. Is it gross that I'm already thinking how this will look coming out the other end? Maybe I should just do the two finga diet and spare the pouch from IBS-D later on... No, I'm a trooper and I will fight til the end for my one fan. I woulda thought the juniper berry cabernet steak sauce would give some hint of flavor since juniper berries are quite distinctive... No to that either. The whole thing was just a fucking total mess. I don't see this selling out anytime soon within a day... Not even within a month's time.

Did I get sucka'd in from their monthly gimmicks? Fuck yeah, I did and knowingly did, too. I am not a SMRT man but I know what has to be done for my readership... Jesus, why am I still doing this blog... This is the stupidest food review blog since Yelp. Look at what I am fucking eating and reviewing... I'm like an Elite douchebag. C'mon, how can anyone find this garbage practical. Christ, now, I'm just self-deprecating myself... Like I'm not depressed enough already. No wonder why I slam so much brown juice down to take away the pain and IBS-D. I'm going home to get really fucked up and cry myself asleep tonight, again... And then I will wake up to a new day and another gimmick to report back to my one true fan. But as for the Arby's venison sandwich... I did it so y'all don't have to. I jumped on the grenade for my one fan... But it didn't go the way I thought, instead, I got crushed by the fat chick and in this case it was a mysterious meat flap.


Friday, October 20, 2017

MOD Pizza

This is the new normal... Fast Casual has really put a dent in the pockets of the decades old national chain restaurants. They just can't figure out what the millennials want... They tried with the kimchi tacos, no takers. They tried with the unlimited happy hour bar snack slop, no takers. They tried with moonshine, gluten-free, small plates (tapas), burritos, burger eggrolls, avocado toasts, poke bowls and no takers. But one type of fast food has been killing it with the trust fund hipster crowd... Good old fucking 'ZA. Pizza has been around since the dawn of time... Cavemen took the perfectly round and freshly laid dinosaur turd and topped it with herbs and veggies and let it sit out in the sun to bake and viola, the first "piece of shit" pie was created. Then the Eyetalians stole that idea (like noodles from the Chinos and called it pasta) and shorten it to "pizza" and wiped their greasy fingers on the crust to personalize it to give it that shiny ginzo glaze... And now, as we all know, it's a household name.
Fast forward a few decades and pizza has gone gourmet and hipster and pizza makers have become a celebrity of sorts... And now, the millennials can pretend to be pizzaiolos and famous on Instagram, too. The "create your own" style of fast casual fare is what the millennials want because they are all crybabies... That's why they love Chipotle and all the other California style burrito joints, they always get what they want if they bitch enough... Just like how they worked their parents to pay for everything well into their late 30's.
But anyways... The whole custom design artisanal 'ZA has been gaining a lot of traction lately with Blaze Pizza and MOD Pizza expanding across the nation... And the sheeple have been digging it. Blaze Pizza opened up off North Decatur Road and there was a line 100+ deep because they were giving away free pizza. MOD Pizza recently opened up in the new and shiny Decatur Crossing next to City BBQ but there was no lines around the block because no free pizza were to be had... Which was fine by me because I rather pay for my sloppy 'ZA in exchange for no lines. As with all fast casual concepts these days- you get on line and order as you go down the line. Pretty much standard issued slaughter house protocol... But what made me laugh was the pizza dough. The have them prepped already on the different size pizza pans on a rack on the wall and then pull them down for each order... But here's why I laughed so hard... The dough looked like a fucking flour tortilla from any burrito chain in town. Then they run a "tenderized" all over the dough so it doesn't rise in the oven, obviously. The act of it was so comedic... It was like aerating your lawn. I wonder if they have them in shoe form in the back when they make a giant lump of dough in the Hobart mixer.
You know, unlimited toppings for the same price is a very dangerous game... You know the fat 'Muricans can't help themselves to get as much value outta their dollar as possible.. And this fat fuck was thinking the same goddamn thing! Jesus, I am such a portly sucka when it comes to anything unlimited. I promised myself I would not go overboard or else I would waterboard myself when rolled home after gorging at the trough of unlimited ingredients. You know what, motherfuckers... I'm just gonna order by number, one of their premade specialties on the wall so I won't be tempted to dump more shit on there.... Let's take a first look...

6" Jasper, mozzarella, mushrooms, spicy italian sausage, red sauce. Ok, the whole- I won't add more shit on this dinky pie just went out the window when the girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted anything else on my 'ZA.... And this is what a fat fuck looks like... Totally veering off the plan. Thank baby Jesus they don't have mirrors in here. I would prolly throw up at the sight of myself. Look at this fucking thing, it's a goddamn mess... It looked like I just jizzed all over it and created a zombie mask for the Little 5 Point Halloween parade this weekend... Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket... Yeah, it's my Halloween costume, see. I tell y'all what... This bullshit 'ZA was not bad at all... It was totally edible and the crust held up to the beating from the dumpster load of toppings. Jesus, do I dare say I kinda enjoyed it? Fuck yeah, bitches... Ok, I had a couple or six cocktails before coming here. Next!

6" Lucy Sunshine, mozzarella, parmesan, artichokes, garlic, dollops of red sauce. I tried not to bastardize this skank too much, just added cheekan bits to it for a little protein. I don't know what happened to the dollops of red sauce but it ain't in there or under all that stuff. But I kinda liked  this one too... What the fuck, dude? C'mon, stop joshing around, pouch and just give us the skinny... That's kinda ironic. But yeah, the artichokes were plenty and cheese melted nicely... Ok, the chicken chunks were kinda dry but that's a given when that shit has been sitting in a metal bucket for hours. The crust ain't bad, it was cooked through nicely and had some char spots... It ain't no Napolentana style 'ZA with 00 Caputo flour, buffala mozz and San Marzano 'maters, but for what it was and the price of this thing, it was kinda worth it.

11" MOD custom, crap on a dough... The Frankenstein of 'ZA. Just walk up to the counter and say "yes, pweez"... And they will just load up or take a giant load of crap on that tortilla dough with every ingredient they have up in this piece.  This was the standard size pie and I had to try it of course. The two little mini pies were decent enough so I had to see what they could do with their flagship 11" pie... Fuck the double crust bullshit, unless you like thick doughy shit. Look at that beast, the only thing left off it was a 10 piece box of Popeyes spicy fwied cheekan.... Mmm, cheekan... Snap outta it you fatso. As with the mini 6" pies, this turned out not too bad either... But of course with that much shit and weight on it, the center is gonna be a bit doughy and flimsy. The plump floozy at the next table looked to had what was her science project from the 8th grade... A fucking giant volcano of toppings on that thin crust. Jesus, watching it eat that mess was like watching an elephant walk a tight rope made of dental floss... Half of those ingredients went into her facehole and the other half fell inside her moo-moo and settled in between her fat rolls. She's saving that for later, bro.

Listen, my one reader... Don't be a fat piece of shit like me. Drop the fucking chalupa... And don't pile on the toppings just because you can... Ok, order two pies, one that is normal and the other like a dump truck just backed up on it. I won't blame you for that... Because that's what I fucking did.  
The pizza here ain't gonna win any awards but it may win over a bunch of fucking picky ass millennials and definitely a bunch of families with screaming demonspawns because it's cheap, filling and decently tasty. But seriously, don't over build your pies... Less MOD the better. They're cheap enough to get a few different versions to try. Shit, I can't believe I'm saying this... But I would come back if I needed a cheap filler pizza fix. Goddamnit, pouch, you are losing your touch... The fat must have traveled up to your tiny brain.

2502 Blackmon Dr Suite 810
Decatur, GA 30033

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Chinatown Food Court Revist

This food court has been there for the pouch through thick and thin over the years... Well, it has been mostly thick. Shit, who am I kidding... I was never thin, I have gotten thicker and thicker over the years. I have moved from stout status up to rotund rank. This ching chong food court is, has been and always will be the double D tits for great grub on the cheap... And it's even better when you're drunk as a freshman sorority hooker. I still remember those hazing days when the sisters would use thick Sharpies and circle the fat rolls all over my fatbag body... And I wasn't even pledging a sorority, the frat across the street sent me there to get their baseballs... Have you seen my baseball, err, wiener? I only did it because they promised me some franks and beans they were making that night... What? I was a lonely 4th year senior and they said they would be my friend in exchange for dues and an elephant walk... Fun, I like the circus!
But anyways, enough of my glory days... Let's get back to the chow... So, I got back into town late from a road trip to Charleston and I was fucking starving like a fat Gap girl... I needed some good grub quick and on the cheap since I spent most of my money on a ton of food all over Charleston. Luckily, this food court was on my way home... I thought about Food Terminal but eating there is a whole production and time consuming... I just wanted to consume mass quantities in a short amount of time as possible and then cry myself to sleep at home. This Chino food court has never failed me before.
Let's see what was stuffed into the pouch before it went into a tearful hibernation...

Chong Qing Hot Pot.
Salt and Pepper Shrimp. So, I heard that their S&P skrimpz were totally kick ass... I have never gotten it because it sounded so fucking gringo but fuck it, why not? Let's see what all the fuss was about... And this depressing display was what I got. This is why I usually don't listen to people's food advice... They are usually wrong 99% of the time. This was the most rancid sample of S&P shrimp I have ever had. The batter was thick, heavy and hard... Once, you bust through that armor plating, you will find a second layer of depression that was the so called shrimp. They were not normal shrimp, they were tiny salad shrimp... Some of them even reminded me of the tiny dried shrimp where you soak them in water to reconstitute them... And half of them were still dried and hard. It was fucking inedible.. A fucking travesty. If this visual wasn't bad enough... Keep reading...

I spread this crap apart like the red sea and look at all the fried batter bits left over from the fry basket... They just dumped all the crap that has been sitting in the bottom of the basket on to my plate. Pure garbage. This was the biggest joke of a dish I have ever had at this place, let alone the entire food court... including the left side where all the Mexican't shacks are that no one eats at except the muchachos.

String Beans with Pork. After that dismal display of a gwailo favorite... I had to go back to some classic dishes and this was one them. The flash fried string beans are still pretty kick ass but they got real chintzy on the pork bits sprinkled lightly overall... There's more dandruff under the cook's hair net than pork bits in this dish. But... It's still a dish worthy to order again and again.

Sweet & Sour Pork. I asked them if this was the roundeye version or the Hong Kong style version.. They said it's the Chinese version... Ok, you Hello Kitty hooker, I'll bite. I was hoping it wasn't covered in that nuclear HFCS fake red sauce and I almost had my wish, it was like a half and half. The fried pork chops were really tasty in a dirty fry shack kinda way, ultra crispy and crunchy and the pork was not chewy at all. And the sauce... It wasn't that bad, it was a bit thin but it did have that sweet and sour flavor to it without being cloying like the fake HFCS s&s sauce from the Chino hole in the walls. It wasn't bad and I would order it again but some time way in the future.

Spicy Fish & Tofu. This boiling spicy hot shit is my jam... It's just so damn fucking guud. Ok, it's not that fiery hot and spicy but for under $10 from a food court shack, this shit is da bomb. The big chunks of tofu and slices of white fish with that spicy broth like sauce is just awesome. Make sure you get a giant bowl or two of free rice and sop that spicy red shit up with it and make your belly grow like you're having twins... You will sleep like a fucking baby afterwards... But I usually have to cry myself to sleep even after eating this sick ass dish. You lucky motherfuckers redeemed yourself for that shittastic salt & pepper shrimp crap.

China Kitchen.
Soup Dumps. I don't even know why I'm separating this joint and Chong Qing... They are the same fucking place, same owners but the old gwailo broad likes to hangout at this shack more... I think she likes the giant soup dumpling here. Shit, I tried to order one but that hag prolly gobbled them all up... No wonder she has a fucking triple turkey neck... Yo, you better be careful, Thanksgiving is just right around corner. So, I resorted to ordering the regular XLBs... They are usually hit or miss at this spot but tonight they were spot on. Steaming hot and the right amount of soup in there and they didn't even break apart trying to pick them up.

Scallion Pancakes. They jacked up the price to $3, a 50 cent price hike. It's like the damn MetroCard, sneaking in 50 cents here and 50 cents there... But shit, it's still a deal. They are a tasty treat and they are great to soak up the spicy fish & tofu broth thinger.

Hong Kong BBQ.
3 Kinds of Manmeats. Roast Wilbur, Roast Daffy and BBQ Babe. Their manmeats are usually pretty damn good on a daily basis but today's selection was goddamn gorgeous. Look at that color, the golden meat trifecta. Jesus, my loins are burning and itching for some of that manmeat... C'mon, Pouch, take the fucking picture already you fat fuck, so I can inhale this beast.

Beef Chowfun. They always made a very decent BC and tonight they didn't disappoint, again... Damn, these motherfuckers are legit and I can't quit eating this entire plate.

These are really the only 3 places I hit up in this food court because they fucking kill it everyday and night with giving the ex-pats and roundeyes a run for their money. The food is good and the value is even better... I don't need a server to bring me my food, I like getting up and picking up the food myself... Shit, this fat slob could use the exercise anyways.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Captain D's Lobster Feast!

Jesus Christ, I got really fucking wasted on a recent Saturday... Don't say it, I know I'm always drunk as a motherfucka. But I started drinking early and then said fuck it, just keep going and do it harder... That's what she said. Started with free beer at some daytime house party and eating free hot wings that were dropped on the ground... It's just sprinkles and under 5 seconds. Pounded a bunch of that free swill and then took off on my motorcycle like Evel Knievel around 4PM... Riding around like my skull was on fire, but somehow found my way home in what seemed like 15 minzies later even though my watch said 7PM... Ok, I may have stopped by somewhere to grab a few drinks. The beer was my gateway drug to harder booze and I was thirsty... Partly from the pretzels I had in my cargo shorts. I started pounding some brown while watching my new favorite show, Big Mouth, and that didn't stop til like midnight. I slammed a whole goddamn handle of Dickel 12 inch, err, year, in my mouth... And that long brown put me down for the count.
Woke up the next day to find my cargo shorts around my cankles filled with a bunch of koozies in each side pocket and my junk in a tube sock. So what? That's not weird, people still wear cargo shorts... But where did all these koozies came from? Jesus, was I in a coma or did I just flatlinered... Who cares, I'm still alive in the Matrix. I turned on the TV to watch some more Big Mouth but a commercial came on about some lobster feast... I''m like where the fuck is this place, it's glorious and I needed some lobster rolls, STAT. Then two fucking ridiculous sea birds wearing a first mate hat at the end of the commercial starts talking about Captain D's and "The Taste of the Coast" or some shit... In my veg state, I didn't give a fuck if two talking birds were telling me to go, all I wanted was that lobster roll... And the lobster bisque... And the lobster bites... I wanted the whole goddamn lobster feast experience, no matter how far inland we are... Now, where the fuck is a Captain D's around here... Googled mapped one not too far from my shanty, aren't these dumps usually in some shithole hood? Damn, I might be a hood rat, no wonder why I saw a rat pulling a slice of pizza into a sewer on my curb.   
Why do I do this shit to myself... I know I am hungover as a filthy hobo but for some reason I was really intrigued about this lobster feast. I have never been to a Captain D's (only to Long Dong Silver's once) and I was kinda excited about who I will meet in there. Lord knows what kinda obeast creastures will be limping around and gorging their fat face in there... You would think they would find it embarrassing to be seen in there but when you're as rotund as the pouch, being grotesquely overweight and embarrassed by this fatbody bag is just part of everyday life...
All I can think about right now is noshing on some succulent North Atlantic seafood because when I seefood, I'm gonna derelick their lobster balls, el Cap-E-tan. So, that commercial made me curious, now, so I did a little research first... Let's take a gander of their lobster feast on their website and preview the banquet to be had...

Look at that FEAST! That is some large wad to put in your facehole. Looks amazing, doesn't it? I wonder how many shipments of fresh lobster came in for this feast.

"Lobster Rolls. Lobster from the cool waters of the North Atlantic served on a buttery roll, New England-style." All I have to say is just wow! Do they really give you two lobsta rollz? I'm fucking psyched for this, yo! That lemon slice says class all the way.

"Lobster Bisque. A bowl of creamy, decadent bisque with delicious bites of lobster, served in two sizes." You had me at creamy and decadent... And in two sizes, hope it's large and in charge. Squirt.

"Lobster Bites. Six pieces of our delectable North Atlantic lobster bites." Lobsta nuggets! Who doesn't love nuggets made with North Atlantic lobster... I just wanna stuff these crusty-acean balls in my cheeks like a chipmunk with his nuts.

They really know how to make your juices flow in your mouth and bowels with those saliva inducing visuals... I'm foaming at the mouth like a rabid Pavlovian Pomeranian. Walked in and it was surprisingly clean. There was this sweet little old lady with a fluffy cumulus cloud of white hair in front of me waiting to order... And I wanted to run my greasy sausage fingaz through that silver blue hair. When the staff member asked her what she wanted... She knew the menu by heart, she rattled off like 6 dinner meals and a couple lobster feast items like a 1861 Gatling gun, ironically the same year as her birthday. That snow leopard was sexy as fuck and if it was that right time of the month, I may have let her ravage my tender plump body... I always had a thing for Sophia Petrillo. I wonder if her sabertooth lady bits look like a Captain D's lobster roll... Stop it, you sicko! Speaking of lobster rolls, I was so excited to order next. Then it was my turn... I'm blushing and I could barely get the words out... I'll have the lobster rolls, lobster bites and lobster bisque... Give me the lobster feast, Captain Snatch! The stout girl at the counter said they were out of the bisque... What the fuck, yo! How am I gonna have my lobster feast trifecta without the bisque? A little piece of my heart just died, but it's ok I have enough sugar glazed fat in my muffin top to fill that hole in my heart. So, I ended up with just the lobster rolls and lobster bites. I rushed it home so I can get into my comfy fatgirl pajama jeans to enjoy my 2/3 of the lobster feast... I opened the bag with the biggest shit eating grin... And then my shit eating grin tasted like 3 buckets of IBS-D when I unraveled the goods... And I was fresh out of Viberzi. Fuck me. This was what was revealed after all that excitement...

What. Da. Fuck. Yo... What is that? This does not look at all like their PR pics... It's like opening a Penthouse rag for the Pet of the Month and finding the Bride of Wildenstein as the centerfold. Look at these specimens, it's just scary. Did a swamp yak take an eclair dump in my bag... And then an alpaca came over and pinched some sphincter sprinkles over it? The fake lobster surimi were all pulled apart and stringy as dental floss... Shit, that might BE dental floss with surimi bits stuck on the floss from them using it in the back. I saw some people's Youtube videos of their lobster rolls and it looked much better with plump fake red lobster meat and green lettuce. These were sad as fuck, it's like a cheap knockoff of a fleshlight... I wouldn't even stick my Jimmy in there for a bottle of Dickel Single Barrel Select. But fuck it, it's like taking a fat girl back home drunk as a brass monkey, you're gonna have to eat it sooner or later... The shit I do for my fan base of one. 
So, I opened up one of the rolls and it's literally not even sliced halfway down and my sphincter muscles start to contract violently upon the gaze of this abysmal matter from the bowels of the abyss. The 1 tablespoon of fraudy lobsta filler was basically spread over on top of the roll, not stuffed inside. Holy smoke and mirrors, Fatman! How cheap can you get with cheap imitation filler? At least fill'er up and pretend to trick me like I'm getting my cushion change's worth. Took a bite... The roll really does taste like a 2 day old eclair and the surimi mix was absolutely tasteless, it wasn't even bland and bland is at least some form of taste. It was like eating a giant sloppy spitball that a bunch of kids played ookie cookie with. I didn't even touched the second one... But I did thought about giving it to my neighbor's dog... That fucker will eat a plastic hotdog toy. 
The lobster bites were just rolling around in that box like one of those old school handheld ball games... The hardest part was trying to get one of these lobster bites into my hole... Coming out the other hole is another story. Took a bite... Jesus, it was like biting into a deep fried superball. I gave up after two balls... I used the others as bait in my back yard traps, I might catch something that may taste better. 

I know what y'all are saying... Why would you even try it, Pouch? Because it was there motherfuckers... Why do goldfish eat processed cheese on a hook at a carnival? Because they're stupid. And their mesmerizing commercials lured me in like a dumb monkfish. I'm not a SMRT man, my brain capacity is comparable to a bag of hammers and the pouch is comparable to a hefty bag. The lobster feast is a joke here, I don't even know why their PR department would push this gimmick onto the franchises without at least putting out halfway presentable and edible items. If this was a ploy to attract new business for their TAM (total addressable market), it may have backfired more than helped. Based on this sampling, I would never go back... It was pretty much garbage. Now, I know why I never see hobos dumpster dive here... All I can think of is that poor sweet little old lady with the amazing blue hair and her poor bowels and toilet... Lucky for her, she did take a shitload of napkins home. I didn't think that far ahead, like usual... Splash.


Monday, October 16, 2017

Jusgo Supermarket Food Court

Does K-Town aka Duluth really need another Asian market and food court? Jesus, this area is so fucking saturated already with a million Korean BBQ joints and Asian supermarkets... Why on god's green kimchi earth would someone open up another market and food court? Prolly because there was a good deal on a empty plot of land that no one wanted, that's why... Asians always love a good deal on real estate. Ok, I'm just talking shit outta my mouth... I have no fucking clue why they opened another supermarket in a heavily saturated market already. But who gives a fuck, it ain't my money on that cursed space. The market itself is not bad actually, there are some good deals in there and some of the items they have in stock are not available anywhere else... Yeah yeah, blah blah blah... What about the food court, Pouch? That's what my one reader really wants to know...
The food court is modern and fancy looking... It's just kinda creepy to see middle-aged FOBs in their 1980's style gym shorts and their muffin tops sticking out from under their beat up vintage 7-Up t-shirts with their sandals off and sitting on top of one leg like an Asian half squat slurping down a giant bowl of spicy hot pot from Uncle Zhu and then picking their nose and wiping it under the table... Dude, we ain't on a side street alleyway in rural China, motherfucker... Do they have no fucking shame..
Let's get back on track and check out some of the goodies to be had... I already knew what were my must tries... The ramen and the Xi'an joints were a must and this fat fuck will prolly toss in a couple other dishes from another joint or two. Let's go take a first look...

Kumai Ramen.
Tonkotsu. Out of all the stuff in this Chinese food court, I was most interested in the tonkotsu... Could there be any way this is half way decent? Well, look at this bowl... It was not bad looking at all. How could this be? There's no fucking way this could taste good... The broth was actually pretty decent in flavor but it didn't have the stickiness of the rich collagen from the pork bones. The thinly sliced chashu was tender and flavorful. The soft egg was pretty much spot on. The little sprinkles of corn, scallions and nori gave it a pop of color... Yeah yeah what about the noodles, Pouch? They were straight noodles with a very decent bite to them so they were not over cooked and mushy. For what it was in a food court, this was not bad at all... I could see myself getting it again if I needed a ramen fix up in this piece.

Beef Tendon Noodle Soup. There was a ton of tendon in here and the caramelized and translucent colors of the tendons were pretty nice. They basically melt in your mouth with little chewing effort. The broth was pretty decent, could be a little richer but for a food court it's passable. The noodle was toothy. Overall, not a bad specimen. It will definitely fill you up after these two bowls... But shit, the pouch ain't don't yet... Next!

Xi’an Gourmet House.
Spicy Cumin Lamb Burger. Shit, how can I pass this up.. If it's anything like Xi'an Famous Foods in NYC, this will be a winnah. But sadly this was not the spicy cumin lamb burger I was looking for. The bun was too thin and kinda doughy. The weak flavored cumin lamb was chewy and the size of the pieces was inconsistent and gristly. I cut this up so my snout can masticate this up easier... But even with smaller pieces it was still tough to get down. This yak muffin looked and tasted so sad.

Minced Pork with Black Soybean Paste Hand-Ripped Noodles (aka ja-jiang mian). This was a hefty basin of crap in a bowl. It was impressive at first glance but why was it so brown... Where's the black soybean paste? Maybe it's on the bottom.. Let's mix this shit up and see.

Nope. No black soybean paste in there.. Just some regular old ground soybean paste (not that there's anything wrong with it). The black soybean paste gives it that little kick with the deeper fermentation flavor... But this didn't look halfway bad. The extra wide noodles were a surprise, didn't expect that at all for this dish but I kinda liked it, though. It was decent tasting noodle dish but nothing exciting enough for me to get it again. This dish will be at the bottom of the rotation... Need to try the many other dishes in this food court before revisiting this lightweight version of ja-jian mian.

Caraway Cafe.
Beef Onion BaoBao. Not bad looking plump puffy pillowy baos. They did their job. It was good enough to enjoy them during this visit but prolly not getting these again in the future.

Stewed Beef Gwa Bao. This bun looked a lot better. But they were out of the peking duck bao... Which was my first choice. So, I guess I'll try the stewed beef one. It looked pretty good, definitely a lot better looking than that cumin lamb burger thinger.

I liked that they put a nice amount of sour mustard on there but does that meat thingy look more like sliced beef tongue? I'm totally ok with tongue, love that shit... But this didn't taste like stewed beef at all, it was almost flavorless. You take a bite and chew and chew to release some type of flavor from the filler and nothing... Just nothing comes out like a castrated bull. Pump this gwa bao all you want... There will be no money shot, maybe a squirt of cobwebs. 

I know I know, why didn't the pouch try the spicy hot pots at Uncle Zhu's... Well, after watching that disgusting nose and toe cheese picking FOB slurping down a big bowl of red broth, I kinda threw up a lil and lost my appetite for spicy hot pot. I will next time, promise. But as for the grub sampled at the spots I did visit, they were totally ok on an average food court level. Nothing blew me away and had to have again but also I may have not gotten a better variety of vittles to test out. I was in rush to get in, try some shit and get the fuck out because I wanted to catch up on more episodes of Big Mouth... That shit is more disgusting and crass than the pouch! My hormone monster is acting up again... Anyone got a pillow or a bathmat? Squirt.

Jusgo Supermarket
3875 Venture Dr.
Duluth, GA 30096