Thursday, February 28, 2019

Fudo Food Drinks Sushi

The area that once was known as Chambodia has become so gentrified in the most textbook case of the word. Chamblee is growing rapidly and becoming the target of big name developers with their cookie cutter mixed-use build plan for every shithole nook and cranny around Atlanta. Let's face it, Atlanta is so over built and congested that there is nowhere else to build except out towards OTP where all the minorities live. Eventually, they, too, will be priced out of their own neighborhoods by righteous hipsters who pretend to crusade for the very people that they kick out. In the not so distant future, the acronym OTP will not be taboo anymore because all the ethic grub and mom & pop shops will have no choice but to move further out due to the huge spike in rents that comes with these mixed-use developments... Most small business owners don't have the luxury of unlimited capital from an ultra rich investor like Ford Fry does to back any project at will which is kinda sad. What's even sadder is that the super affordable working man's Mexi-grub found up and down Buford Highway is 100 times better than any overpriced item found on Superica's Mexican't menu.
So, this new mixed-use development in Chamblee is really nothing special, it looks like every other "live work play" layout... But it does have a few dining options in it already and more to come. They got Bad Daddy Burger, Poke Bar, Chronic Tacos, The Alden and now, Fudo... They carefully avoid using the word "fusion" on their website but "wide variety of mixed Asian food" ain't fooling anyone, either. So, what does Fudo mean anyways? Well... "Fudo means food with no limits." No limits is right... There are 72 fucking sushi rolls on the menu! Seven-T-fucking-two rolls and a lot of them have cream cheese. Sounds like just a fancypants Ru San's to me.
I'm not a big fan of sushi rolls because we all know rolls aren't real sushi... But the self proclaimed sushi connoisseurs who don't eat raw fish will gobble that shit up like there's no tomorrow. But they also do have a sushi and sashimi menu which isn't very exciting and seems a bit overpriced for unproven source of product... It's printed on half a sheet of paper that could be easily over-looked. But they did have sweet shrimp which I'm a sucka for every time just like the goddamn spider roll. Jesus, why am I so obese and low rent... No wonder why I can't get a date... I can't even get a date with my hand after sitting on it for an hour to pretend it's a stranger.
Ok, enough of flapping my flabby jowls and fingering the keyboard with my greasy sausage fingaz... Let's take a first look and see if they are just another Ru San's in a Hanbok... But wait, 90% of the menu are rolls! Eh, fuck it, just eat it Pouch, you ain't getting any skinnier. When in Rome, eat as the Coreans eat...

Tori Karaage. Y'all know I can't resist fwied cheekan in any form... I fucking love karaage. But these sad little white meat nuggets were over salted and had a flat wet batter with no texture. Good karaage should always be dark meat and have a light crispy flaky crust with texture so it can grab on to the sauce when you dip it... But with good karaage you really don't need a sauce. I didn't even finish them... How blasphemous! Trust me, skip them, yo.

Assorted Tempura, shrimp, sweet potato, eggplant, zucchini. The presentation looked kinda chintzy compared to the giant bowl of dashi shoyu sauce but once you separate all the pieces, it was a respectable portion with 2 pieces each. The shrimp tempura was hand battered unlike most places with the frozen premade stuff. Not too shabby.

Sweet Shrimp. As with the karaage and spider roll, I just can't resist sweet shrimp, either. You get 3 shrimp sashimi for $12 which is not too bad... But they were kinda small and one biters. It was fine but it really didn't have that sweetness you would expect from a quality sweet shrimp. The presentation was fancy looking but looks don't always mean it's craveworthy. Let's get to the best part of a sweet shrimp...

Fried heads! Easily, the best part of sweet shrimp... Especially, if the heads are filled with mustard or tomalley or whatever the fuck you wanna call them, wait, how about just brains! And I can stare lovingly into their black beady little eyeballs for minutes on end. Oh, my, I'm getting a blood flow just thinking about licking those black little pearls. The spot-on fried heads were better than the shrimp itself. Would I get them again? Nah, save the money for a spider roll... Speaking of which...

Spider Roll. It looked ok when it came out. I was kinda expecting a more visual presentation with the crab legs sticking out at the end like a peacock tail but sadly this crab had like two little retarded legs twisted together. They shoulda named it the Tiny Tim Roll, instead. It wasn't a bad spider roll, it just didn't wow me like a few other places that do it right with plump fried soft shell crab and minimal filler.

King Kong, spicy tuna, avocado, topped with yellowtail, spicy aioli (baked), masago, scallions, crunch. Jesus, is this a picture of a STD? My god, what kinda gonorrhea mess did I get myself into... Do I eat it or build a foundation for a sunroom with it? I know I said, when in Rome, eat as the Coreans eat... But for fuck sake, how do you even eat this monstrosity? It's like a cinder block. I was actually more interested in how they come up with these names... They have one called B.T.S. but don't tell you what it stands for. They shoulda named this one IBS... Maybe this one makes you take King Kong size dumps. This thing was awful... With all that shit on it, you would think it would be an explosion of flavors but this tasted like eating R13 insulation. The Pouch says pass.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix, salmon, yellowtail, spicy tuna, crunch, spicy aioli Topped with black tobiko. What is this, the Nightcrawler's tail? I must admit, this looked a lot more appetizing than the King Dong roll. It looked a lot cleaner and more traditional. While it didn't taste like much of anything, especially, the fish inside, it was still light years ahead of the previous brick roll...Wait, I got Rick rolled on that last one. But that doesn't mean I would ever get this again... Because I wouldn't.

Like I said, I'm not a big fan of rolls... It's like the gateway sooshee for people who doesn't really care for the real stuff. I still remember this loud ass broad at another Japanese joint telling everybody that she absolutely loves sushi but doesn't eat the raw stuff... Yeah, she was one of those people. So, I paid for the California roll, took her home and pumped and dumped it the next day or maybe it was the other way around... Hmmm, Japanese whisky usually have that affect on me.
I can't say if there will be another visit for me in the future but the staff was great and the owner was gracious and I wish them well. I'm sure they will do fine in this newly developed area, it has the right demographics for their sushi rolls galore. They should put a giant menu on the wall and have diners throw darts at it because no matter which roll you pick, it will probably taste the same as the other 71 rolls. On second thought, I don't think I will be back but I will bless their heart.

5070 Peachtree Blvd
Suite A100
Chamblee, GA 30341

Monday, February 4, 2019

Bully Boy

I know what y'all are saying... Where the fuck has the corpulent slob been lately? Has the great glutton gone riding into the sunset of the big toilet in the sky? No motherfuckers, I have been mass consuming vittles at the same rate a blackhole eats up planets, stars and galaxies. I am so fucking obese these days... I am the size of a bully boy. Whales laugh and spit out gallons of plankton at the sight of me. The amount of posts I have to write up are backed up like my bowels... It's almost surreal on how many places I have been to in the last month or two. Between the eating, IBS and crying myself to sleep, I barely have time to write up the Pouch's recent adventures... But I can't let my one reader down. I have sworn an oath to report all that's fit to eat and shit... Let's take a first look at one of the newer concepts from Concentrics...
Anyone remember Nexto... Prolly not, but their name was so fitting. Right after you ate their ramen, you will be saying, NEXT! The space was built out nicely but their "Japanese" inspired menu was extremely pedestrian and lacked excitement. The joint didn't last long, they gave some bullshit excuse about how they're turning it into an private event space or some shit like that... But we all know what that means, no one went back a second time. The place was not getting any traction, not even with the local "celebrity" chef consultant as the face of the place. Then the space went dark for quite awhile, until Concentrics came up with a new concept... A simple menu with no specific cuisine, just a mix of fusion dishes. Yeah, yeah, we all know what fusion means... Usually, a broad mix of different cuisines and the liberal use of the word "inspired by". The menu consists of influences from popular Italian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Southern, North East dishes that seems so generic and boring but the menu actually read well. This sounds weird but I'm kinda curious about this joint because Concentrics restos have never gotten me excited in the past, they were all so pedestrian and made for the masses. The interior and the layout hasn't changed much since they already spent the money on building it out for Nexto. It still has that dark cavernous feel to it but it doesn't feel cold... This location could be such a kickass club/lounge space. Ok, enough of the gabbing and start feeding already, Pouch... Do what you do best and consume in mass quantities.

Bourbon #1. I'm usually not impressed with the house cocktail menus... Bartenders these days are always trying to be innovative and breaking the mold which there is nothing wrong with that... But I'm old school and a purist when it comes to cocktails. But this brown juice concoction sounded good with tamarind, lemon and ginger... And it was pretty tasty.

Florida Red Snapper Tartare, red onions, cilantro, leche de tigre, $14. Visually, it doesn't look that appetizing but the ceviche style marinade of the leche de tigre really brings out the flavors of the snapper. It had a nice firm bite to it and the fried rice paper gave it an Asian spin to it.

Crispy Brussels Sprouts,  spicy Thai sauce, lime, $8. C'mon, Pouch, brussels sprouts are so played out these days... I don't give a shit, I still like it like the cheesy Spider Roll that I can't stop ordering at sushi joints. The sprouts look like they were a bit over-charred but it didn't taste like burnt rubber at all. It had a hint of spiciness, nothing Thai hot as advertised but the acidity from lime helped bring out a bit more flavor. It was a good dish, nothing offensive about it.

Blue Crab Mango Salad, blue crab, jicama, green papaya, charred green beans, jerk vinaigrette, $12. When I see papaya salad on a menu, it's guaranteed that it will be on my table. The presentation was nice, it had height to it and vibrant colors. They were not chintzy on the crab meat which was a nice surprise. The papaya and jicama played well together but entire dish was very under-seasoned. The jerk vinaigrette did nothing to maximize the ingredients' flavor. The dish overall wasn't bad, I kinda enjoyed but I would have enjoyed it even more if it was seasoned properly.

Roasted Mushroom Empanada, black garlic aioli, $9. I knew I was gonna get ripped on this $9 empanada but I didn't care, this empanada had me at roasted shrooms and black garlic aioli. It was a normal sized empanada which would had cost about $3 or less at any Mexi joint on Buford Hwy but this was off the beltline and you're gonna pay a premium for it. The crust was crispy and flaky, the roasted shrooms inside was flavorful and tasted pretty good... But the black garlic aioli was kind of a let down, it wasn't as flavorful as it sounds. Barely any garlicky flavor, if it was this would made the empanada worthy of the $9 price tag. Still a tasty bite to try once.

Comfort Farms Rabbit Patty Melt, double stack, brioche, shoe string fries, $17. I was really curious about the New England Clam Chowder Carbonara... It looked like such a Frankenstein dish, I mean who fucking does that? It also kinda made sense in a Bizarro world kinda way but it looked way too rich and fatty which is the last thing I need these days. So, I settled for this rabbit burger thinger with fries because that wouldn't be fatty at all. I was pretty surprised on how tasty this rabbit burger was... Yes, it was greasy as hell but I really enjoyed it. And I ate all the fries as well... Yeah, how's that diet working out for you, Pouch?

I was not expecting much from this fusion menu but it really surprised me with how well their execution of the ingredients in each dish was. Each dish didn't take long to come out and it all seemed to be made to order as well. The one dish that kinda insulted me was the Blue Crab Fried Rice for $26, are you fucking kidding me, bro? Fried rice is like the cheapest dish ever and tossing some crab in it doesn't make it worth 10 times the amount of some day old re-fried rice. I saw it at the next table and the portion of the fried rice was a bit light, they toss an omelette on top of the rice to give more heft and volume for the theatrics of it. I wasn't gonna fall for this banana in the tailpipe trick but the whities were ordering this dish left and right. I was also interested in the Maine Jonah Crab Roll but then the memories of the crab roll at Cousins Maine Lobster made me rethink my decision before I got scammed for a $19 bland canned crab roll again. Then again, they may surprise me with the crab roll... Ok, I'll get it next time. Yes, the probability of a next time at this joint is pretty high. But the Maine Lobster Frites is just too over the top for me at $36... I just can't tell if it's a whole lobster or a half with two claws to trick you. It looked so saucy and heavy with the giant pile of fries that takes up 2/3 of the plate.
The service was really good, my server knew his shit and was attentive and on point... Which makes the whole experience even better. It's like a Jedi mind trick to make you over look the mistakes... The service has a strong influence over the weak pouched. I have to give credit when credit is due... This visit was very pleasant, the vibe was cozy without feeling confined and the food was more than acceptable and playful. This resto may be the best concept Concentrics has came up with in a long time. I would go back with more people to try more things but all my friends are either imaginary or incarcerated... Y'all know what I'll be doing tonight...Crying myself to sleep... Again.

828 Ralph McGill Blvd
Atlanta, GA 30306

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Ammazza Decatur

This fat fuck is pizza'd out after all the deep dish slop it has been shoveling down into the pouch. But trivial things like over eating excessively, high cholesterol and cardiac arrest doesn't concern the Pouch when it comes to it's duty to perform for it's one fan. The original Ammazza on Edgewood had a great vibe, a spacious interior, a raw loft style decor and the 'Za was not too shabby either... Actually, the pizza was pretty good even for the Pouch's standards... Then two fucking twats drove straight into the building not once but twice within a short period of time and flooded the goddamn joint. What kinda retard drives into a fucking giant brick building... Wait, nevermind, drivers in Atlanta are all fucking entitled retards who are always on their phone. Remember that hands free law that passed last year that all these for the children progressives were so gung-ho about? Yeah, obviously, they're not subjected to it. Do as I say, not what I do seems to be their M.O... The Pouch's M.O. is to eat as much shit as possible, so, get the fuck outta my way.
So, Ammazza took over the old Twisted Soul space which was also the MarBar and Feast... Wow, that's some historical shit that I just pulled outta my ass right there. Anyone remember those joints? Hmmm, is this space cursed? All the signs says yes... Even the Decatur Market a couple of doors down closed not long after it opened. But somehow Doggy Dogg has survived all these closures around it, it's quite baffling. Let's see if "Neapolitan" pizza can break the curse. For Ammazza, the space is a lot smaller than they were used to. They still got the order at the counter and find a seat scam going on but you can sit at the lengthy bar and order with the bartender... Which is always my preference.
Let's take a first look and see if there will be a second...

Big open window to see the Acunto ovens in action. Some of the action you might not want to see... Like watching the pizza makers (not pizzaiolos) blowing under the dough because it was sticking to the peel. Yeah, you heard me, they big guy with the beard was using his mouth to blow moist warm lung air to release the dough from the peel so it will slide off into the oven... Mmm, who doesn't love a hint of bearded saliva mist. Anyone have any Binaca? At least he wasn't blowing on the pizza after it comes out of the 900 degree oven... Which hopefully has killed any mouth breather germs.

I was hoping to see the pizza fritta on the menu but no such hope... Maybe they will add it to the menu later on... If they don't go belly up first. The pizzas ain't cheap for the regular and large pies, seems like the prices have increased... Hopefully, the quality and portion size hasn't. Only one way to find out... Or three ways...

Ammazzare, artisan Italian sausage with roasted peppers, vidalia onion, fresh basil and house mozzarella. $18/$24. The namesake pie. The crust looked pretty decent, nice char blisters and a little puffy but the dough was pretty thin in the middle. May be a challenge to support all the ingredients on top. Picked up a slice and yup, the slice was floppy like a basset hound's ears. Folding it in half didn't help, either. I had to roll the tip of the triangle in like a Thai rolled ice cream. It's not a bad looking pie but with the supposedly quality ingredients that they brag about, it was kinda flavorless, everything fused together and it all tasted like one flavor.

Margherita, house mozzarella, fresh basil and extra virgin olive oil. Baked to perfection. $14/$20. The most simple pie is usually the best pie... But that is not always true. Margherita pies are usually the benchmark of any pizzeria but this one here on this visit was just average. Once again, the entire pie tasted like one ingredient. The house mozzarella had no taste whatsoever and the sauce was pretty weak. Not that it was a bad pie, but it wasn't worth the price of admission. At least, it didn't have the floppy Dumbo ear problem like the first pie.

Inferno, spicy sopressata, house mozzarella, calabria peppers and basil. $17/23. How fucking chintzy can you be with the peppers... This is supposed to be an Inferno 'Za. You can put out this fire with a soft breeze... Like a big bearded beast blowing kisses underneath the pie to cool it down. They are also really light on the mozzarella, too. Some slices barely had any cheese on it and that goes for all three pies I sampled. I usually love the pies with calabria peppers but this was pretty underwhelming and not spicy at all.

Cannoli. Why Pouch, why? Why would you put a tiny cigarillo on a pizza pan? Shit better have weed in it to trick my tiny brain into thinking this was a good idea. As for cannolis go, this was pretty entry level at best. It's nothing special but if you have to have a cannoli, I guess this will do... So, would a chocolate Twinkie.

So, they give you these round reheatable boxes to go. They are pretty cool but how much do each of these costs? No wonder why the pizzas are so friggin pricey, the cost of these boxes are worked into the price of each pie. So, always leave a few slices to take home and get the box that you paid for, for your leftovers. I know I know, the Pouch had leftovers? Blasphemous! Sacrilegious! Look, I ate 2 of the 3 pies, isn't that enough for my one reader? Jesus, I just realized that is not normal for one sitting, I am such a fat fuck. I also had like 4 adult beverages, too... And liquid and doughy crust inside the Pouch causes an explosive chemical reaction. Violet Beauregarde ain't got nuthin' on the Pouch... They're gonna need a XXL juicer to squeeze my fat ass.

I like the idea of Ammazza opening up in Decatur but the 'Za's didn't remind me of the old Edgewood Ammazza pies. There is very little crave-worthiness to them. It's pretty average with not very average prices. People say that cheap street food shouldn't be cheap... But there's no fucking way I'm spending over $100 for 3 average pizzas and a couple of drinks again. Don't worry, I'm sure they will still get a crowd no matter how average the pizzas are... It's all about convenience over quality and taste. But I ate the shit out of the leftovers after drowning myself with brown juice early into the morning hours and then crying myself to sleep after I saw myself naked in the funny mirror... Wait, I don't own a funny mirror, damn these fat rolls!

314 E.Howard Ave
Decatur, GA 30030

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Rosati's Pizza and Sports Pub

All of the sudden, this one horse town is all goddamn giddy AF about Chicago deep dish 'Za with the opening hype of the new Gino's East of Chicago... Sadly, Gino's is going through some growing pains, maybe their deep dish pies will be edible when they grow up. But before there was Gino's East, there was Nancy's which somehow quietly stayed in business after all this time. Then Rosati's popped up a couple of years ago in limbo between Buckhead and Sandy Springs off Wieuca. They also have a location in Cumming and Hoschton (where?) but strangely they have two different websites, I don't know what the fuck that is all about. But anyways, before I even went to Gino's East, I secretly got a deep dish pie to go from Rosati's at the Buckhead location a couple of weeks ago to see what the fuss was all about. Let's see if this tomato cheese cake is more edible than Gino's East...

10" Deep Dish. It's pretty hefty for a $16 casserole. Let's open up the hood and sneak a peak

What's with the tin hat? Are there aliens around? Mel Gibson? Jaoquin Phoenix? Are these Signs? I get it, they want to keep it as warm as possible for the trip home. But wouldn't it make it all soggy? Perhaps not, since this ain't no regular old pizza pie... This was a Chicago style deep dish, it has the cojones to brave the windy city's most treacherous weather. Let's peel this tin foil back and see if there's a glory hole in the center.

Chicago Deep Dish in all it's glory... No holes in the center. Let's see what they have to say about it- Pan-cooked, buttery crust that is smothered with cheese & chunky tomato sauce, then baked to perfection for over 40 minutes. Ahh, so, this is what perfection looks like... Like it was dropped from the roof of a 5 story building. Did the cook finger bang the side of my tomato pie before he boxed it up? Nevermind, I don't want to smell his fingaz.

Let's take a closer look at the side of the crust and see if it was really made in a pan. I tell y'all what, it looked a hundred times better than Gino's East deep dish... But this was no prize, either. The crust is just so goddamn thick and bready.

I don't know what happened to this part of the pie... Trump better not use them to build the wall... Shit was cheaply built and falling apart. But it was prolly from the rocking pizza cutter. This may be the only time that I wished the crust was stuffed with cheese a la Pizza Hut. If I'm gonna gain 10 pounds in one sitting, I might as well do it in style.

The construction of this tomato pie was a lot better than Gino's East, it held together even when you pulled a "slice" from it. Gino's shit was oozing all over the place. I had one slice and I was done. It's an absolute gut bomb... But it tasted pretty good. The stringy cheese had nice pull and softness, the tomato sauce could use more seasoning for a more zesty flavor because there is just way too much dough/breading which was pretty much flavorless except for the outside part where they brush the butter on. No wonder why obeast midwesterners love these things... They're great padding and insulation for the harsh midwest weather because... Winter is coming.

Like I said before, deep dish just ain't my thang. It ain't pizza. It's a lazy man's pie. Who fucking eats pizza with utensils? It's like George Constanza eating his dessert, a Snickers Bar, with a knife and fork. But this shit will fill you up for a week and put 10 pounds on your ass instantly, as if this fat fuck really needs to go shopping for size 46 pants... Who am I kidding, I should just wear a moo-moo from now on... So the kids don't get scared of my stretch marks because that shit looks like Godzilla used my muffin top as a scratching post. Jesus, I need to go on a diet, but that wouldn't be fair to my one reader who depends on the Pouch for all that's fit to eat.

4629 Wieuca Rd
Atlanta, GA 30342

Monday, December 17, 2018

Gino's East of Chicago

When did this one horse town cared so much about Chicago style deep dish pizza? No one gave a shit about Nancy's or Rosati's when they opened and they still don't.... So, how is Gino's East even getting as much hype as they are for their opening... The Pouch is stumped and baffled but the mystery must be revealed for my one reader. Maybe it's because they're from Chicago? But does that even matter these days when concepts expand all over the universe... Look at The Halal Guys, they're from NYC and they suck ass big time here, why they're opening another location is beyond me. Deep dish isn't even pizza, it's a fucking casserole... It's like a dude that can't toss a proper pizza decided to make a dense bread with cheese and sauce on top inside a pan swirled with an excessive amount of oil and butter.
Maybe I'm just bitter that this trailer park town can't produce a decent NYC 'Za... I'm not a big fan of Chi-town 'Za but the deep dish I had at Giordano's in Chicago was actually pretty tasty. It was a total gut bomb but it tasted decent. I don't know if the water matters in a Chi-town ca-ZA-role but it sure does in a NYC 'Za, maybe that's why no one can do a proper NYC 'Za down here. Anyone remember that bullshit dump- Brooklyn Water Bagel Co. that opened years ago in Cobb? They boasted about producing their own Brooklyn style water via a 14-step filtration system to make all their bagels and other shit on the menu... Needless to say, they didn't last long. This town loves gimmicks but gimmicks never last more than a couple of years... That fucking ridiculous Poke gimmick has ran it course in under a year and all these suckaz with golden franchise dweamz poured a ton of money into it with nothing to show. Bless their fishy hearts.
Let's get back to the cheesy tomato fruit cakes... So, they took over short lived Rize pizza space on the other side of CO (how the fuck is that place still in business?). I wonder if the leasing agent disclosed to them that this space is cursed. They pretty much redesigned the entire space, it looks a lot smaller in the same footprint... Maybe Rize seemed bigger because no one was in there, ever. Walked in and of course, there was a huge line... At least they had a mural on the wall to admire while waiting. It is a fucking frog in a space suit or a pair of martian ballsack in a helmet... You don't need K2 or Spice to hallucinate this crazy shit. They are also trying to be hip AF with the social media demographics with the overuse of the acronym as a product selling point. Enough of the blah blah blah... Get to the grub already Pouch, you gotta be hungry AF by now...

The whole menu is pornographic AF... 9", 12" and DEEPAF. That American Pie scene just popped into my pea brain... But in reality, there's prolly a whole lotta twerking in the back. Let it cold down first, Pouch. Pump pump squirt... Mmm, cheesy and creamy.

Chicken Wings, carrots, celery, fries and sauces. At first, I was like $11 for 8 fucking wings? Then I read the description closer and it comes with all that shit. Ok, maybe it's not such a ripoff, yet. The wings have a thin batter crust, it's really crispy and tasted pretty good. The shoe string fries were limp and soggy. The hot sauce was garbage, the BBQ sauce was too sweet, the bleu cheese was weak and runny... But the wings were good. Would I get them again? As a whole dish, hell no AF. Just stick with a dozen wings for $11 and keep it simple with a standard hot sauce like Frank's and real bleu cheese.

Charred Brussels Sprouts, pancetta, garlic, panko.  Brussels sprouts is played out AF but that doesn't stop people from ordering them over and over again. I like brussels sprouts and this execution can be found everywhere no matter the cuisine or restaurant. It came out pretty good, the pancetta made this dish tasty AF.

Homemade Spinach Mozzarella Sticks, marinara. They were boasting about this app over and over again, saying order this instead of the regular mozza sticks. Fine. It looked ok when it came out but after one bite, it was all spinach and barely any cheese. It wasn't horrible but it had nothing to hold your attention after one stick. The marinara was nothing special but you needed it like oxygen to get it down. Skip it and stick with the regular mozza sticks if you must get them.

Diavola, spicy pepperoni, basil, truffle oil. $27 for a 12" casserole pie. This thing looked flat AF. I have seen wheels on a lawmower bigger than this. Did they even cook this bread frisbee in the pan? Looked like they cooked it on a flat pizza pan and then put it in this pan to make it look authentic. Look at the side of the crust, it's fucking rounded... That shit never even touched the side of this deep dish pan. Fraud! Who the fuck are they trying to fool? It's like a fancy steak house putting side dishes in mini cast irons pans after it's cooked... All for the presentation. But you can imagine how many retards thought it was cooked in there... Yeah, that mac and cheese was made in the cast iron. Sure, that's believable AF. Let's take a closer look at the "slice"...

It's just a big bloody blob of dough, tomato sauce and cheese. Nevermind that filler crap, the crust is the most important part of a Chi-town deep dish. I swear, that rounded crust was such a dead give away it wasn't even cooked in that pan. I have never seen a pizza dough that shrunk like a Shrinky Dink. It's just falling in on itself. Let's take a closer look on the crust.

Under-cooked and gummy loaf of bread. Looked miserable AF... It was almost as sad as my muffin top, it even kinda looked like it with all the stretch marks. The sauce and cheese was standard issue, the pepperoni wasn't spicy but it had a nice finish with the truffle oil. Overall, this shallow dish was pretty disappointing AF.

Gino's Supreme, pepperoni, Italian sausage, onions, green peppers, mushrooms... All this crap for a measly $31. These motherfuckers just can't keep their grubby hands off the pies. They "have" to start cutting it up and plate it for you to show you the stringy cheese. I'm like, yo, I ain't handicapped, I can pick up my own slice. Based on what's left in the pan, the dough looked much better... As if it was cooked in the same pan as evident with the flat crust against the side of the pan. Let's take a closer look... Wait a second, I couldn't stop looking at the remnants in this pan and if I spewed regurg back into the pan, it really wouldn't make a difference.

The side of the crust was thinner and flatter like the retaining wall of the pool in Poltergeist trying to hold out the dead from doing the back stroke. This looked more like the Chi-town casserole we're used to.

I New Yorker-fied it AF with a nice heaping of red pepper flakes and grated parm. Now, it looks more like a 'Za. This behemoth tasted a lot better than the last disaster. The crust was cooked more properly according to the deep dish specs. Thin flat crust on the side and not too thick on the bottom... So, you don't have a mouthful of breading on every bite. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here... It still ain't a 'Za, but for what it was, it was acceptable.

Thanks Fat 'Murica, you did it, again! Who the fuck can really eat an entire pan pizza in one sitting, better question is why would any mofo want to eat an entire pan pizza in one sitting. I get it, these types of pies are geographic specific... Like in the midwest because it's cold AF and you need a lot of padding for the rough winters. There are no lack of fat slobs in the midwest. But this is Hotlanta... Wait, this town is not lacking obeast creastures, either... And this fat fuck is in the front of that pack. I ate 2 1/2 normal size sections and I was about to explode and regurgitate it to all the baby birds around me within a 5 foot radius. It sat at the bottom of the pouch for 2 days, it was like a paper weight.
The hype for this type of gimmick in this town is expected and they will be packed for at least a couple of months. There was a family of 15 who came here on opening night celebrating something, who the fuck plans a huge family gather and go to an unproven resto on opening night? People with the education level and palate of a 5 year old, that's who. But the hype will die down soon enough and the gimmick will not be as sexy after gaining 15 lbs. Look at Hattie B's, the crowds have died down by more than half and that curiosity has been satisfied by the pedestrians and they are ready to move on to the next new shiny kitchen. This place will be no different by the end of Q1 next year.
It's not terrible but there's really nothing here to bring me back on a monthly basis, not even on a semi-annual basis. It's also really pricey for what it is... But what gimmick isn't pricey in this town? The deep dish tomato cheese cakes just ain't my thing... But don't let that keep y'all from trying it out and judge for yourself if you are a fan of this type of pie. Jesus, I'm still bloated AF 3 days later.
I'm still waiting for Al's Italian Beef, Portillo's or Abe Froman to open up here... We need the sausage king of Chicago in this one horse town... Desperately, because I'm fat AF.

675 North Highland Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30306

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Gu's Kitchen

Once upon a time, Gu's Bistro was a destination spot for Szechuan cuisine but then they suddenly shuttered with little notice while at the same time they were opening their food stall at KSM... Coincidence? Well, y'all know the answer to that. It was 2015 and the whole food hall movement was just getting started in this one horse town. It seemed like they wanted to downsize and ride the hipster food court wave with their Gu's Dumplings concept... With dopes lining up for hours for their overpriced and under-filled dumps in hopes that it would turn into a franchise opportunity. Why is everyone so fucking obsessed with franchises these days... Get rich quick schemes hasn't worked since Ronco's Showtime Rotisserie, with his "set it and forget it" gimmick which made Ron Popeil a filthy rich motherfucker. Now, he just spends his remaining days spray painting his bald spots with GLH.
The Americanized grub at Gu's Dumplings was created for the millennial demographics who are more than willing to pay up for sub-par quality. The menu was not made for the expats, it was made to keep them away so they don't call them out. Their namesake item, the Zhong style dumplings, are watered down versions for the gringo palate... They were all wrapper and no filler and a total ripoff but the roundeyes gobbled that shit up like there was no tomorrow and declared them the best dumps they have ever had. It doesn't matter if they are authentic or not, these dumpy doughy sacks made them rich enough to reopen another location on Buford Hwy. Deep down, I'm really hoping for a Gu's Bistro comeback with their spicy dericious affordable mala morsels but the Pouch's instinct says otherwise...
Let's go take a first look and see if they can convince the Pouch to make a revisit...

Gold metal chopsticks and Bram Stoker's dracula armor dishware... How do they afford all this fancypants gear? Oh, yeah, keep pricing the menu for the KSM hipster crowd on Buford Hwy... Sold! If the suckaz are willing to over pay for cheap Chino street food why stop?

Chengdu Cold Noodles, cold egg noodles tossed in a homemade sweet and spicy sauce with robust minced garlic, and bean sprouts; sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds and fresh green onions. Wait a minute... Where the fuck am I? Am I in Alinea? If you're gonna come up with a gimmick, make sure it is relevant to the dish itself... And I have no fucking idea what the meaning of this was. Is it a rasta pasta? Oodles of noodles? Or worms? They're only noodles, Michael. Let's take a closer look at this contraption and see what's under the hula skirt. 

Don't go chasing noodlefalls, please stick to the chowfun and the lo mein you're used to... I don't even know where to begin with this specimen. Do I pick it up with a napkin and throw it out in the trash like hair in a drain or do I eat it right off the floating wooden chopsticks... I decided to pull the chopsticks out quickly and make it rain noodles. It made it a lot easier to mix with the chili oil sitting at the bottom when all the noodles are in the bowl and not hovering in the air like Linda Blair. When they say cold noodles, they mean it... It was straight from the fridge cold. The sweet and spicy chili oil sauce was acceptable but I couldn't get over the ice cold noodles. They really should be at room temp. It's not a bad noodle dish but it was nothing special, either... It really should be like a $6 dish tops since it's only a dollar worth of egg noodles coated in sweetened chili oil.

Was this a Bad Robot Production? I wonder if they are using the robo chef in the kitchen... What's the robo chef you ask?

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Spicy Dried Eggplant, battered sticks of crispy eggplant stir-fried with sliced garlic, dried red chili peppers, numbing Szechuan peppercorns, and fresh cilantro. The portion was priced correctly, so I don't feel as ripped off paying $13 for this. It was fried golden brown and the crust ultra crispy and the inside was piping hot. The only problem with this good looking execution was not enough flavor. It needed a lot more Szechuan peppercorns and seasoning... It looked great but it was kinda bland. I was expecting a lot more numbing action in my facehole.

Spicy Dried Beef Noodles, warm egg noodles tossed with hot chili peppers, chopped peanuts, spicy ground beef, robust minced garlic, fresh bok choy, and fresh cilantro. Doesn't look much different than the Chengdu Cold Noodles (or the Dan Dan Noods)... Except they toss in a couple of spoonfuls of dried spiced minced meat on top and a couple of scraps of bok choy. It tasted basically the same but the chili oil sauce was a tad spicier and not as sweet which I prefer. This was also an acceptable dish but nothing crave-worthy enough for another visit ASAP.

Szechuan Spicy Popcorn Chicken, lightly breaded and deep fried chicken dusted with Chef Gu's special spice rub. Served with a choice of spicy mayo, honey mustard, or ketchup. Did something get lost in translation here? They are serving "Taiwanese" style cheekan nuggets with spicy mayo, honey mustard or ketchup??!! Where am I, Wing Stop? What kinda shit is this? Fucking ketchup? Wait, I take it back, Wing Stop actually has some pretty damn tasty sauces... I didn't mean to insult them, my bad. That spice rub is just chili flakes sprinkled on top, it did nothing for it. But how was the cheekan, Pouch? Let's just say this was the first time I have never finished a small plate of fried chicken. The sweet potato starch crust was crispy but the white meat chicken inside was as dried out as a 70 year old woman. No amount of spicy mayo, honey mustard or ketchup will help lube it down your throat... I even tried spitting on them because saliva is a natural lubricant... No dice. Why are they using white meat instead of dark meat, especially, at a semi authentic Chino resto? It was hard, chewy and bland, even with the spicy mayo. This was such a waste, what a shame.

What about the Zhong style dumps that you were talking about earlier, Pouch? Where are they? Where they fucking belong... Back in the kitchen or on someone else's table. I ain't wasting valuable marsupial pouch space or money for middling dumps. I saw them at another table and they didn't look any better here.
Is Gu's Bistro crave-worthiness back at the new and shiny Gu's Kitchen? No. Not even close. Nothing I sampled had me wanting more. This first visit was kinda forgettable after a couple hours of eating it and I was already thinking about dinner. What wasn't forgettable was the $50 I shelled out for lunch. Why did they have to fuck with a winning model at Gu's Bistro and ruin it with Gu's Dumplings... It was such a disappointment from the beginning that it has left a bad taste in my mouth ever since. Have they never heard the saying, if it ain't broken, don't fix it... But I'm not writing them off just yet... There's still a couple other dishes I want to try before I close the book on them. And the po'boys ain't them... They look abhorrent and need to be aborted. Maybe they will come out with a Szechuan Detroit style pizza next or a Zhong style poutine...

4897 Buford Hwy
Suite 104
Chamblee, GA 30341

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Brew And Bird

This marsupial's pannus has gotten wider and wider like a new bride's FUPA after 7 months of marriage with all the fwied cheekan it has been consuming in mass quantities... I'm like a Conehead, no, wait, more like a cheekanhead. This fat fuck has been on quite a fried chicken journey for the last month... While most people would have tapped out after a week, the Pouch can eat cheekan every day of the week for months on end and never tire of it. KFC has been quietly making a comeback and this newish joint that took over the old Villaggio Eyetalian supposedly is doing Corean style cheekan... I'm not saying KFC because the d-bags' pics on Yelp does not look at all like KFC. But I have a responsibility to fulfill my duties for my one reader and report back. Time to make a visit... Quietly.
Is there a surprised birthday party for me or am I in a dream... Ok, everybody, come on out, I'm here. I said, surprise me, now! Surprise me, now! I didn't say that twice, that was an echo. Oh, wait, I forgot I have no friends to throw me a surprise party. Seriously, where is everybody up in this piece? It's a Friday night at prime time and the joint looks like the picture they used on their website... Dead as fuck empty.
I walked in here on two other occasions in the past 3 months and walked right out each time because it was dead as fuck as well... One of those times there was nobody working there, I thought they were closed. I guess third time is a charm... Or not. Walked in again and there was literally one person working. A sweet old lady taking orders at the front desk. She was trying so hard to up sell me on their overpriced beer but I wasn't having it... Bless her heart. The overpriced beers were all snoozers. All I wanted was the cheekan and based on the vibe of this place, I knew it was gonna be a real short visit. But hey, you never know... So, I'll play along...

Dead as fuck on a Friday night... *Crickets*

This is their stock photo on their website... Hmmm. They musta took it on a Friday night, also.

2 Dark Fried Chicken served with homemade coleslaw and pickled turnip. Of course, my first instinct is to order the 3 piece dark... But I came to my senses after a minzie or two since this was an unconfirmed KFC joint. I'm glad I did... Look at that specimen. Looked like they just picked it out of the garbage when they saw someone coming into the joint. The tulip cup of slaw was just shredded cabbage, nothing else. The daikon was barely pickled. The soy dipping sauce was boring as fuck, they just added sugar to it, ok, maybe a little mirin. Sounds like we're off to a good start... Let's take a closer inspection of this fowl looking creasture.

Jesus, I have seen driftwood with more moisture in it... I should just hang this over my dining room table for decor. If this was my last meal, I would use the steak knife to slit my wrists... Who uses a steak knife to eat fwied cheekan? Maybe I'm supposed to use it to kill my prey in the back alley. The meows back there is not a sign of confidence. The crust tasted like old frying oil, it was hard like layers of mica, not crispy at all. The meat inside was dried out and chewy, totally devoid of all taste and texture. This was one of the worst fried chicken, let alone "KFC" that I have ever had. Just toss this driftwood back into the Chattahoochee.

House Wings, buffalo and Korean pepper garlic spicy sauce. What sarcophagus did they pulled this out of... It looks like King Tut's toes. Let's take a closer look...

Holy shit... I think I see a couple of his toenails still intact! Someone get me a dog toenail clipper, STAT. I want to send some samples to a lab for carbon dating. Ah, fuck, I can't put this off any longer, I guess I will have to eat it sooner or later. It looks just as bad as the fried chicken... Took a bite... That fucking old oil taste again. And the crust was bitter and tasted burnt. I barely ate 2 wings and I gave up. The chicken didn't live up to their claim of being marinating for up to 14 hours... It was more like 1400 years, brewing inside that sarcophagus with the mummy juice they scooped up with those little plastic cups as wing sauce. These wings are fucking rank... I have had better wings at Golden Corral and we all know they taste like fried dung beetles.

This place sucks... As evident by the crowd in here. But the sweet old lady told me that Fridays and the weekends and the weekdays are usually slammed packed... She just couldn't figure out what was going on tonight. Listen, sweetheart, you couldn't even remember what I ordered 30 seconds ago and you're telling me this place was packed last night? I highly doubt it but you should always respect your elders... So, I kept my mouth shut along with the rest of the wings. This was not Korean or even Korean fusion... It was an embarrassment, no wonder why the Korean owner stayed in the back. Ok, he did stick his head out for a second and then retracted back into his shell like a peeping turtle.

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1355 Clairmont Road
Decatur, GA 30033