Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Gu's Kitchen

Once upon a time, Gu's Bistro was a destination spot for Szechuan cuisine but then they suddenly shuttered with little notice while at the same time they were opening their food stall at KSM... Coincidence? Well, y'all know the answer to that. It was 2015 and the whole food hall movement was just getting started in this one horse town. It seemed like they wanted to downsize and ride the hipster food court wave with their Gu's Dumplings concept... With dopes lining up for hours for their overpriced and under-filled dumps in hopes that it would turn into a franchise opportunity. Why is everyone so fucking obsessed with franchises these days... Get rich quick schemes hasn't worked since Ronco's Showtime Rotisserie, with his "set it and forget it" gimmick which made Ron Popeil a filthy rich motherfucker. Now, he just spends his remaining days spray painting his bald spots with GLH.
The Americanized grub at Gu's Dumplings was created for the millennial demographics who are more than willing to pay up for sub-par quality. The menu was not made for the expats, it was made to keep them away so they don't call them out. Their namesake item, the Zhong style dumplings, are watered down versions for the gringo palate... They were all wrapper and no filler and a total ripoff but the roundeyes gobbled that shit up like there was no tomorrow and declared them the best dumps they have ever had. It doesn't matter if they are authentic or not, these dumpy doughy sacks made them rich enough to reopen another location on Buford Hwy. Deep down, I'm really hoping for a Gu's Bistro comeback with their spicy dericious affordable mala morsels but the Pouch's instinct says otherwise...
Let's go take a first look and see if they can convince the Pouch to make a revisit...

Gold metal chopsticks and Bram Stoker's dracula armor dishware... How do they afford all this fancypants gear? Oh, yeah, keep pricing the menu for the KSM hipster crowd on Buford Hwy... Sold! If the suckaz are willing to over pay for cheap Chino street food why stop?

Chengdu Cold Noodles, cold egg noodles tossed in a homemade sweet and spicy sauce with robust minced garlic, and bean sprouts; sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds and fresh green onions. Wait a minute... Where the fuck am I? Am I in Alinea? If you're gonna come up with a gimmick, make sure it is relevant to the dish itself... And I have no fucking idea what the meaning of this was. Is it a rasta pasta? Oodles of noodles? Or worms? They're only noodles, Michael. Let's take a closer look at this contraption and see what's under the hula skirt. 

Don't go chasing noodlefalls, please stick to the chowfun and the lo mein you're used to... I don't even know where to begin with this specimen. Do I pick it up with a napkin and throw it out in the trash like hair in a drain or do I eat it right off the floating wooden chopsticks... I decided to pull the chopsticks out quickly and make it rain noodles. It made it a lot easier to mix with the chili oil sitting at the bottom when all the noodles are in the bowl and not hovering in the air like Linda Blair. When they say cold noodles, they mean it... It was straight from the fridge cold. The sweet and spicy chili oil sauce was acceptable but I couldn't get over the ice cold noodles. They really should be at room temp. It's not a bad noodle dish but it was nothing special, either... It really should be like a $6 dish tops since it's only a dollar worth of egg noodles coated in sweetened chili oil.

Was this a Bad Robot Production? I wonder if they are using the robo chef in the kitchen... What's the robo chef you ask?

Related image
SCIENCE!

Spicy Dried Eggplant, battered sticks of crispy eggplant stir-fried with sliced garlic, dried red chili peppers, numbing Szechuan peppercorns, and fresh cilantro. The portion was priced correctly, so I don't feel as ripped off paying $13 for this. It was fried golden brown and the crust ultra crispy and the inside was piping hot. The only problem with this good looking execution was not enough flavor. It needed a lot more Szechuan peppercorns and seasoning... It looked great but it was kinda bland. I was expecting a lot more numbing action in my facehole.

Spicy Dried Beef Noodles, warm egg noodles tossed with hot chili peppers, chopped peanuts, spicy ground beef, robust minced garlic, fresh bok choy, and fresh cilantro. Doesn't look much different than the Chengdu Cold Noodles (or the Dan Dan Noods)... Except they toss in a couple of spoonfuls of dried spiced minced meat on top and a couple of scraps of bok choy. It tasted basically the same but the chili oil sauce was a tad spicier and not as sweet which I prefer. This was also an acceptable dish but nothing crave-worthy enough for another visit ASAP.

Szechuan Spicy Popcorn Chicken, lightly breaded and deep fried chicken dusted with Chef Gu's special spice rub. Served with a choice of spicy mayo, honey mustard, or ketchup. Did something get lost in translation here? They are serving "Taiwanese" style cheekan nuggets with spicy mayo, honey mustard or ketchup??!! Where am I, Wing Stop? What kinda shit is this? Fucking ketchup? Wait, I take it back, Wing Stop actually has some pretty damn tasty sauces... I didn't mean to insult them, my bad. That spice rub is just chili flakes sprinkled on top, it did nothing for it. But how was the cheekan, Pouch? Let's just say this was the first time I have never finished a small plate of fried chicken. The sweet potato starch crust was crispy but the white meat chicken inside was as dried out as a 70 year old woman. No amount of spicy mayo, honey mustard or ketchup will help lube it down your throat... I even tried spitting on them because saliva is a natural lubricant... No dice. Why are they using white meat instead of dark meat, especially, at a semi authentic Chino resto? It was hard, chewy and bland, even with the spicy mayo. This was such a waste, what a shame.

What about the Zhong style dumps that you were talking about earlier, Pouch? Where are they? Where they fucking belong... Back in the kitchen or on someone else's table. I ain't wasting valuable marsupial pouch space or money for middling dumps. I saw them at another table and they didn't look any better here.
Is Gu's Bistro crave-worthiness back at the new and shiny Gu's Kitchen? No. Not even close. Nothing I sampled had me wanting more. This first visit was kinda forgettable after a couple hours of eating it and I was already thinking about dinner. What wasn't forgettable was the $50 I shelled out for lunch. Why did they have to fuck with a winning model at Gu's Bistro and ruin it with Gu's Dumplings... It was such a disappointment from the beginning that it has left a bad taste in my mouth ever since. Have they never heard the saying, if it ain't broken, don't fix it... But I'm not writing them off just yet... There's still a couple other dishes I want to try before I close the book on them. And the po'boys ain't them... They look abhorrent and need to be aborted. Maybe they will come out with a Szechuan Detroit style pizza next or a Zhong style poutine...

4897 Buford Hwy
Suite 104
Chamblee, GA 30341
www.guskitchen.com

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Brew And Bird

This marsupial's pannus has gotten wider and wider like a new bride's FUPA after 7 months of marriage with all the fwied cheekan it has been consuming in mass quantities... I'm like a Conehead, no, wait, more like a cheekanhead. This fat fuck has been on quite a fried chicken journey for the last month... While most people would have tapped out after a week, the Pouch can eat cheekan every day of the week for months on end and never tire of it. KFC has been quietly making a comeback and this newish joint that took over the old Villaggio Eyetalian supposedly is doing Corean style cheekan... I'm not saying KFC because the d-bags' pics on Yelp does not look at all like KFC. But I have a responsibility to fulfill my duties for my one reader and report back. Time to make a visit... Quietly.
Is there a surprised birthday party for me or am I in a dream... Ok, everybody, come on out, I'm here. I said, surprise me, now! Surprise me, now! I didn't say that twice, that was an echo. Oh, wait, I forgot I have no friends to throw me a surprise party. Seriously, where is everybody up in this piece? It's a Friday night at prime time and the joint looks like the picture they used on their website... Dead as fuck empty.
I walked in here on two other occasions in the past 3 months and walked right out each time because it was dead as fuck as well... One of those times there was nobody working there, I thought they were closed. I guess third time is a charm... Or not. Walked in again and there was literally one person working. A sweet old lady taking orders at the front desk. She was trying so hard to up sell me on their overpriced beer but I wasn't having it... Bless her heart. The overpriced beers were all snoozers. All I wanted was the cheekan and based on the vibe of this place, I knew it was gonna be a real short visit. But hey, you never know... So, I'll play along...

Dead as fuck on a Friday night... *Crickets*


This is their stock photo on their website... Hmmm. They musta took it on a Friday night, also.

2 Dark Fried Chicken served with homemade coleslaw and pickled turnip. Of course, my first instinct is to order the 3 piece dark... But I came to my senses after a minzie or two since this was an unconfirmed KFC joint. I'm glad I did... Look at that specimen. Looked like they just picked it out of the garbage when they saw someone coming into the joint. The tulip cup of slaw was just shredded cabbage, nothing else. The daikon was barely pickled. The soy dipping sauce was boring as fuck, they just added sugar to it, ok, maybe a little mirin. Sounds like we're off to a good start... Let's take a closer inspection of this fowl looking creasture.

Jesus, I have seen driftwood with more moisture in it... I should just hang this over my dining room table for decor. If this was my last meal, I would use the steak knife to slit my wrists... Who uses a steak knife to eat fwied cheekan? Maybe I'm supposed to use it to kill my prey in the back alley. The meows back there is not a sign of confidence. The crust tasted like old frying oil, it was hard like layers of mica, not crispy at all. The meat inside was dried out and chewy, totally devoid of all taste and texture. This was one of the worst fried chicken, let alone "KFC" that I have ever had. Just toss this driftwood back into the Chattahoochee.

House Wings, buffalo and Korean pepper garlic spicy sauce. What sarcophagus did they pulled this out of... It looks like King Tut's toes. Let's take a closer look...

Holy shit... I think I see a couple of his toenails still intact! Someone get me a dog toenail clipper, STAT. I want to send some samples to a lab for carbon dating. Ah, fuck, I can't put this off any longer, I guess I will have to eat it sooner or later. It looks just as bad as the fried chicken... Took a bite... That fucking old oil taste again. And the crust was bitter and tasted burnt. I barely ate 2 wings and I gave up. The chicken didn't live up to their claim of being marinating for up to 14 hours... It was more like 1400 years, brewing inside that sarcophagus with the mummy juice they scooped up with those little plastic cups as wing sauce. These wings are fucking rank... I have had better wings at Golden Corral and we all know they taste like fried dung beetles.

This place sucks... As evident by the crowd in here. But the sweet old lady told me that Fridays and the weekends and the weekdays are usually slammed packed... She just couldn't figure out what was going on tonight. Listen, sweetheart, you couldn't even remember what I ordered 30 seconds ago and you're telling me this place was packed last night? I highly doubt it but you should always respect your elders... So, I kept my mouth shut along with the rest of the wings. This was not Korean or even Korean fusion... It was an embarrassment, no wonder why the Korean owner stayed in the back. Ok, he did stick his head out for a second and then retracted back into his shell like a peeping turtle.

 Image result for i like turtles

Flush.

1355 Clairmont Road
Decatur, GA 30033
https://brewandbird.com/

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

ChiChop!!

The shops and restos in this Doraville strip mall have been very limited for years, the only tenants were basically H-Mart and Shoya forever and they kept this mall in business for all that time. Now, years later this strip has been in high demand with a bunch of news shops and restos that opened recently or in the process of being opened. There is no lack of Japanese grub if you're craving ramen or sushi, or Korean BBQ, Laotian street grub and bubble tea shops... But one thing missing here was fried chicken. You can get a dumb down version of KFC inside H-Mart at one of the food stalls but it's pretty much garbage. But now, there are two chicken joints opening. One of them is Harue KFC which is opening a second location here. The other is a new Taiwanese fried chicken joint that has a few locations sprinkled along the east coast, they also own Cheers!! Cut in NYC and Kung Fu Tea... But I don't know if they are associated with the ones in Atlanta. Harue has a pretty decent KFC but I was more interested in the TFC since there aren't many that does it. You can find a handful of Taiwanese chicken nuggets around town but ChiChop!! fry more than just chicken... I couldn't wait to find out more about this place. 
When the Pouch saw the sign go up for this new Taiwanese fwied cheekan joint before Thanksgiving, I was so excited that I almost shat my underpants... But I did tinkle a little, though. The sign says, "Fried Chicker & Badger" or maybe it was Baoger but Badger sounds so much sexier. Then on their menu it says, "Hibachi, Grill & Fried Chicken Cafe" and on the packing it says, "Fried Chicken & Seafood"... I'm confused, I think they are mixing up all their other concepts into one. Their Engrish game is not very strong, hopefully, their cheekan game is... Let's take a first look...

You be the judge... Baoger or Badger? I also don't know what a chicker is but I'll eat the fuck outta it... Along with the badger meat. Let's sample a few morsels...

Dual Ninja Crispy Chicken, Minced Meat Rice, House Combo of Chicken & Beef & Squid. They have a special for their grand opening right now, BOGO Ninja Crispy Chicken... Ah, fuck yeah, pweez! Their Ninja cheekan comes in a giant cardboard sleeve, but is it really a full 12 ounces of dericious fwied cheekan? I took advantage of the BOGO and got a Taiwanese Teriyaki mild and Thai Sweet & Sour spicy flavor. 

Minced Meat Rice. They also have a plain white rice and curry rice... All $2 a bowl. Why would anyone just get the plain rice? This minced meat rice is similar to a Lu Rou Fan but this comes with minced beef bits and bacon bits. It's a pretty tasty rice bowl... Thank god they don't have poke bowls or else I would shit.

They're Taiwanese but they seem to really love Japanese warriors... Ninjas and samurais. This is their house combo of crap in a box of Taiwanese fried scraps... I kinda want a tattoo of it.

House Combination, Taiwanese fried chicken, beef and squid... I know what y'all are saying, what the fuck is fried beef? Just like it sounds... Nuggets of beef battered and fried. The thin crust is crispy and crunchy but the meat nugget is kinda chewy even though there's hints of red in the center. The cheekan nuggets were pretty good and the squid was not as chewy as I thought it would be. I wanted to get the Fried Giant Squid at first but I didn't want to eat an entire portion of a whole squid. This sampler box is a good way to get a little taste of each. But don't be fooled by the portion at first glance, half of the box is filled with prawn chips... Which is a good thing because I didn't want to eat an entire box of fried critters. 

The sleeve is printed with the words "Cheers!! Cut" on it... What the fuck is going on here? I thought this joint was called "ChiChop!!". Come to find out that Cheers!! Cut is their other concept on St. Marks in NYC and the menu is almost exactly the same. Stop fucking around, Pouch, and get to the good stuff already, you fat fuck. How do you eat this thing anyways? Let's turn it around and see if there's instructions...

That's a pretty sweet katana but what does it have to do with Taiwanese fried chicken? And sure enough, they do have instructions on how to tear this sleeve apart to eat the elusive Ninja crispy chicken inside... But I never figured out how tearing a corner off will allow me to get to the cheekan...

Fuck it. I just slid it out and use the cardboard sleeve as a plate. Look at this beast... I don't know if it's a full 12 ounces as promised but it is a full chicken breast with ribs split up and pounded like a schnitzel. Yes, this is a bone-in fried chicken schnitzel, Taiwanese style. The vibrant red chili powder gives the illusion that it will be spicy but it's not. The thin crispy crust is delicately crunchy from the sweet potato starch coating and the meat is juicy. It's a pretty damn good fried chicken and the shape and size of it makes it a bit more fun to eat than the usual fried chicken pieces.
I liked it a lot but was it really worth $8.50 for a breast with no sides or even some pickled veggies? The BOGO deal is worth it but when the promo is done, will the gimmick still bring the people in here? Speaking of which, I know it just opened but it was dead when I visited (where were all the FOBs and Yelpers?) and the space is not very big, either. I think there's enough seating for 10-12 peeps and it's all counter service. It will be tough if they get a big rush. But the concept is pretty much a quick service take out kinda spot, anyways... The menu is full of on the go snacks and everything is fried.
I will most likely be back to try their other fried goodies like the Exploding Chicken Cutlet with cheese in the middle and the Fried Chicken Wings... Wait, who is this fat slob fooling? This porker will definitely be back, their whole shtick is fwied cheekan and I'm licking my lips just thinking about it...

Squirt.

6035 Peachtree Rd
Unit C108
Atlanta, GA 30360
www.chichopusa.com

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Son of a Bear

The Pouch has been on a KFC quest and this joint was on my list to try... But do we need to talk about what was here previously? Fuck yeah we do... I don't know if Double Dragon was opened as a spoof or not but nothing on the menu was Asian, it wasn't even fusion. They wanted to give the citizens of modern day Atlanta a taste of American Chinese food from the 80's... Shit, Atlanta wasn't even discovered until 1996, they don't know what the fuck Chinese food was back then let alone the 80's. It was so bad that it wasn't even close to be considered slutty Chino grub nor edible even after a night out of heavy drinking... It was less satisfying than a $2 whore. Is that even possible? No, because nothing on that menu was $2. It was painful eating that slop on my one and only visit... Painful, Pouch? Let's just imagine your friend donkey punching a toothless hooker while she's playing your skin flute. The pain was comparable to a gorilla grip. When Yelpers are even bashing the food, you know it was bad or they didn't get it for free. In the end, that double dumpster soon closed and transformed itself into a Corean street food joint... Because the whole Korean theme is so trendy right now. That's all Oakhurst needs... Another gimmick in this space. Fuck it, since, I'm such a sucka for gimmicks, I'm gonna have to do it for my one reader. My only fan expects nothing more from this sad sack of shit eating grin slob. And they supposedly have a whole KFC... I am totally excited for this, now...
I snuck in quietly on a Friday night... And ironically, the place was quiet as well. Let me say it again, this was on a Friday night with only a handful of middle-aged customers in there. Walked in... What the fuck did they do to this place? Why is there a wall with door in the middle of the bar? Who designed this... Helen Keller? No one was sitting at the bar because it was so awkward. The other side was an ice cream pop up or something, so fucking weird. The host creasture led me to the back in the dark corner... I'm like, fuck no bro, I always need an exit strategy. I sat down at a table in the middle with a light above the table so I have a 360 degree view just in case some shit goes down. The server comes over and asked if I have ever been here... I'm like no, not since it was Double D's. She gives me an uncomfortable smile as if her lips were having a mini seizure or maybe she was flirting with me. I quickly cock blocked her and said, I know what you're thinking... Say it with me, Double Dragon's food was god awful. And she totally agreed and we shared a hearty laugh together. She promised that the food here is a lot better... Yeah, famous last words. Like I haven't heard that from a staff member at any and every restaurant before. I gently stared into her eyes and said, I'll be the judge of that, my juicy little muffin top.

Kalbi Jjim Poutine. Yeah yeah, we all know poutine has been played out... But they took off the whole grilled squid so I had to resort to trying this. For $9, this was a very decent portion of crap on a tray. The seasoned fries stayed relatively crispy under that mess. Speaking of mess, the topping was a well seasoned, savory and a teeny spicy mix of shredded short rib. It's messy but it was pretty tasty overall. I was fucking shocked that this dish came out of this kitchen... It was totally edible for some reason. It may be just a fluke...

Whole Korean Fried Chicken Platter. Before I even ordered anything, I asked the server if they have the KFC. She was like, we don't resell KFC but we do have a fried chicken platter... Bless her heart. Unlike a lot of the other KFC joints, this joint actually gives you a real whole cheekan. You can literally count all the pieces that comes on a real whole chicken which kinda gave me a blood flow. There are so many KFC places that load you up with hacked up pieces of legs and thighs and called it a whole chicken... Hmm, excuse me, Miss, I have never seen a chicken with 3 and half legs before. When this platter came out, I was surprised and happy to see something that actually resembled a chicken. The thin skin crust looked really crispy, I can imagine the crackling sound it will make. Picked up the thigh first naturally and took a bite... Shit, this is pretty good. Shut your mouth, Pouch! What the fuck are you talking about, Willis? Don't you know this is the same place that was pumping out some heinous food not too long ago? But I cannot lie, this fwied cheekan was very acceptable. I liked the crispy thin skin crust and the meat inside was tender and juicy and it was not greasy. Wake up you fat fuck, you're having another dream... So, I ate another piece to make sure it wasn't a dream. At the end of the day, it was a respectable fried chicken but it was not a KFC, not even close to it. $23 for a whole fried chicken at a resto is not a terrible price to pay, but for what it was, I don't think I would come back for it again. I just ate an entire fried chicken and I am already thinking about how much Popeyes I can get for $23... That boy is a P I G, pig!   

Grilled Kalbi Short Rib Steak, Korean sweet soy marinate, kkakdugi, rice. They were out of the Beef Kalbi Jjim and Braised Chicken & Fall Veg... Fail. So, I had to resort to ordering this dish... I usually order at least 3 items to get a feel for their kitchen talent. I already had a not so great feeling about this... The Pouch's instincts never fails. But there's always a first for everything... I highly doubt it, though. My Spidey senses were tingling off the charts. For $18, I don't know about this... And then this came out... I think I just found John Wayne Bobbitt's severed member. While it looked like it was cooked mid-rare plus, the chew was a different story. I picked up a middle piece where it is usually more tender and not over cooked... And I was gumming this thing like a 70 year old woman with a banana. This dish was kinda pathetic and the memories of Double Dragon came flooding back in. What a way to end a decent start and middle...

I can't say this change of concept will redeem themselves from that garbage they served at Double D's in this part of town... Oakhurst is a small little town and the locals like what they like which is simple American food like burgers and tacos. Restos and breweries have come and gone in this part of town on a regular basis and I don't know if this "ethnic" concept will last long around here. Their next concept could possibly be turning this Korean "tavern" into a ramen joint. Not that Taiyo's ramen is that good but the roundeyes love ramen no matter how bad it is, just like the Mexican't grub they crave. But for now, it's not awful... Then again, I have no interest on coming back here anytime soon, either.

350 Mead Rd E&F
Decatur, GA 30030
www.sobdecatur.com

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Harue Korean Snack Bar

This blubbery blob has been in a deep slumber since the KFC scene in this town has quietly slowed down within the last year or two... That was until recently. The inner Pouch was woke once again with the arrival of the crave-worthy Choong Man Chicken. Their amazing Korean fwied cheekan re-lit the Pouch's quest for the best fried chicken in this one horse town. I have been on a KFC marathon lately... Eating every fwied cheekan in sight. Which brought me back to this joint... It used to be another KFC joint way back in the day, I think it was a Bonchon, a ripoff of the ones in NYC... Or maybe it was a Bonbon, whatever, who gives a shit... It was pretty decent but they closed down not long after. On a side note, there is a Bonchon and Bonbon somewhere in upstate Georgia but that will be another review.
So, this location became a Harue KFC joint a few years back. I have been once like 3 years ago, it was decent but the location is not close to K-town at all. Maybe that's why I haven't gone back. But for them to last this long, they must be doing something right. Maybe it's time to make the trek for a revisit. Alright, enough of the talky talky, we want more walky walky. Let's just get right to it...

Whole Fried Chicken. It's usually $20 but they were doing a Fall special for $13... SOLD! It's a very hefty portion but if you inspect all the pieces, it ain't from a whole chicken... It's all dark meat. It's like all legs, thighs and bungholes kinda like the human centipede. They also camouflage a few giant fried wedges of potato in there to make it look more hefty. The batter/crust looks pretty crispy. It's not flaky like in a dry coating but it's smoother like in a wet batter. Picked up a piece and it's crispy alright. It has a nice crunch to it but it's kinda greasy... And not just the crust, the meat inside as well. It's not overly greasy, just enough for you to notice it and coat your fingers to make you lick them constantly. The pieces don't have a lot of meat on them, either, it's kinda boney. But this cheekan dinner will fill you up if you eat all the potato wedges. I like the crispy crust on the KFC but not enough to come back all this way for it. It looks satisfying when it comes out to the table but you will leave kinda dissatisfied... Hoping that it had turned out better even for this finga lickin' fat fuck.   

Tonkatsu. For $10, this is some meal... A giant mudflap of pounded fried pork, a scoop of rice, cheesy corn, pickled yellow and white daikon, slaw and fries. And this corpulent slob ate it all, every last drop of that brown jizz on that hog. The panko crusted pork cutlet was hot and crispy on the outside and juicy tender on the inside. This was a very good tonkatsu and kinda crave-worthy enough to make another visit to upstate GA in another year. I would eat this once a week if it was closer to town, but being a pudgy porker, you don't really move much, let alone leaving the house on a regular basis, except to lean over to one side to pass wind. 

The drive was a hassle, the KFC was middling but the tonkatsu made up for the previous let downs. Would I come back here? Eh, maybe if I was forced to be in this area like being tied up in the back of a trunk. Let's face it, no one wants to be up here but if they lasted this long they must be doing something right.

To the next KFC joint...

3585 Peachtree Industrial Blvd
Duluth, GA 30096
http://www.loveharue.com/

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Choong Man Chicken

Is KFC in this one horse town dead yet? Hasn't this trendy gimmick ran it's course? FUCK NO, bro. This portly fuck can always use one more fwied cheekan joint... Boy, I'm so lonely. This place took over the old JM BBQ which was a Korean BBQ joint that turned into a dance club on the weekends. It suddenly closed with not much notice back in September sometime. The K-BBQ competition is fierce up in Duluth... But so is the KFC competition. Seriously, can Duluth use another KFC joint? Shit, the Pouch can use a KFC joint on every other block if I had my way. Another reason why JM BBQ may have closed is because of this strip mall... There are a bunch of restos in here but it's always dead as fuck. The only place that keeps this strip mall alive is Sweet Hut on the other end. Top Ramen which is basically the sister resto to Lan Zhou Ramen on Buford Highway came and went as well... Which is surprising because their food was just as good as Lan Zhou Ramen. I swear, this strip mall is cursed. So, I better get my fat ass in here before this chicken gets killed crossing the street.
This joint is a small chain with two locations in Virginia and I'm kinda curious how they decided to open one here so far away... This may be a short lived expansion if it sucks ass.
There's not much hype on this joint so far... So, let's go see if it's worth talking or trashing about. Walked in and the place still looks like JM BBQ, they just got rid of the exhaust vents and moved the furniture around. It doesn't bother me because I rather them spend the time on executing the menu, instead of the decor. Let's take a gander at the menu...

I am so fucking excited right now. This menu is all about cheekan and nothing but cheekan... Ok, they got a couple of bullshit side items like french fries, curly fries and coleslaw... Meh, get that shit outta my face. I guess they have to have something for the roundeyes which was strange because there were a handful of gringos in here- How did they find out about this joint so quickly? Nevermind the bearded hipsters, let's just get to the chicken already, Pouch... Stop fucking around, you're on a mission.

This has got to be the weirdest combination of chicken and topping. This is definitely not a first date kinda dish if you want to get lucky afterwards. You'll still be crying from all the onions while trying to get your first kiss. Look at that picture, it's not like a little bit of onions for a little contrast and sweetness... It looks like they throw a shitload of it on there. Only one way to find out... But first, I need a little snack to whet my facehole...

Tikku Soy Sauce Gizzard. I'm a little surprised they didn't have fried chicken livers but I'll take gizzards all day long if it's done correctly... And these were spot on. The crust is crispy and not heavy. The gizzard was tender and had a nice pop to them when you bite into them. They are supposedly fried and then charcoal grilled to make it extra crispy and give it a lil smokey flavor. They are a really tasty little snack. They were so good I kept popping them in throughout my entire meal.

Snow Onion Fried Chicken. It's like a mountain of pure snow, it's everywhere... Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is? The menu says you can get it with wings, tenders or whole chicken. But if you ask nicely they can do a half chicken. Sold! They say that this is their most popular signature item on the menu and it's loaded with sliced onions with a "savory and creamy" sauce. If you like onions, this is your dish. They give you an entire onion sliced on top and drenched in their white sauce. The golden fried chicken peeking out on the edges looked real crispy but can it stay that crispy with all that sauce... One way to find out.

I pulled out a wing with a good amount of sauce on it... Twisted it apart and took a bite... Damn, it's crispy, crunchy and flavorful. You gotta eat a little onion afterwards and the sweetness of the onion works pretty well. The sauce is thin but sweet and savory. It is such a weird combo but it works. I inhaled 3 pieces within two minutes because it was so good or maybe I was just hungry. The chicken is not greasy, it's juicy and hot... I can't believe I'm saying this, but it was almost perfect. I can't even compare it to Popeyes because they are so different. I gotta take a break and come back to it later and see if it's still as good as I think it is... And just at that moment, the spicy wings came out... Great timing.

  
Red Hot Pepper Chicken wings with gochujang sauce. These look pretty legit. I like how that are not swimming in sauce but each piece are fully coated with the gochujang sauce. The crust is still crispy even with the sauce all over it. It has a good crunch to it and the sauce is sweet and spicy. The chicken inside is juicy and flavorful. This is one bad ass hot wing. Ok, it's not that spicy but I still fucking loved them. I gobbled down all of them easily in one sitting. Christ, I just ate a plate of gizzards, 10 wings, half a chicken and a whole onion in one sitting... I truly am a lard ass but it was friggin' worth it. I'm still thinking about it hours later... You know it's good if the Pouch is still craving it.

I'm wobbling back to my ride and I see this on ground... I guess the people who ordered it to go couldn't wait to get home to eat it... I hear ya, bro. It's that good.

Then a couple feet away I see this... What the fuck, dude? That is cheekan abuse... I was so tempted to pick it up and eat it. What the fuck is wrong with you, Pouch? I call the 5 minute rule... But why is there a good necklace with stars around it? That is the weirdest shit I have seen in many moons... This mystery will never be solved.

Well, if my one reader can't tell already, I'm pretty much in love with this new KFC joint. How long will the honeymoon last? Who knows, but as long as they keep pumping out that gorgeous chicken, I'll be making many more visits to try out all their other flavors... Especially, the garlic spicy chicken since they ran out it on this visit. Jesus, I was actually going to order a 4th fried chicken dish in one visit. Why am I obeast again? The next table got the lemon spring onion chicken which looked just as amazing.
Not much else to say except... Winner winner cheekan dinners! I just can't eat one.

2180 Pleasant Hill Rd.
Duluth, GA 30096
https://www.cmchicken.us/

Friday, November 2, 2018

BK Nightmare King

Oh, joy... This fat fuck is on a roll here with the fast food slop. Yes, I succumbed to yet another gimmick to challenge the Pouch. Lucky me... Or is that Fucky me? So, what do we have here this time? Burger King has been in the fast food gimmick burger game for awhile as well to lure in the freaks and uninitiated... They started with the Halloween Whopper with the black buns that turns your shit green. Then they had the Angriest Whopper with hot sauce baked into the red buns which turned your shit reddish brown. Now, they are giving the corpulent crowd a new flavor... The Nightmare King with a booger green bun. I can only imagine what color Mr. Hanky will be when he shows up on Halloween night. They say it's suppose to give you bad dreams or nightmares after you eat this demon. I call bullshit because I have nightmares every night no matter what I eat... Except Popeyes. So, what's the big deal about this burger? Well, first off, this ain't no Whopper... It has a chicken fillet on top of a burger patty. Let's see what they have to say about it...

"Introducing the NIGHTMARE KING, this spooky sandwich features ¼ lb* of savory flame – grilled beef, a 100% white meat crispy chicken fillet, melted American cheese, thick cut bacon, creamy mayonnaise, and onions all assembled on a glazed green sesame seed bun."

Image result for nightmare king
NIGHTMARE KING - Feed your dreams or nightmares.

Jesus, look at that fucking thing... The only thing I'll be feeding is the toilet in about 10 minzies. Stop being a prepubescent little twat, Pouch, and do it for your one fan... You sound as if someone has to twist your arm to eat food. If I get IBS right after, at least I don't have to wait to find out what color it is. That green colored bun is kinda creepy... Let's see if the real thing is as toxic green as the picture.

This omen cost $6.39... Almost as much as Arby's Seared Duck Sando.

Hmmm... It's not as green as I thought it would be. The green coloring supposedly comes from watermelon but who the fuck really knows if that is true. But it's a sizable sando. It's pretty thick with all that shit in there.

The side view doesn't make it anymore appetizing... It kinda looks like the wicked witch sleeping on her side with no underpants on... Which is kinda revolting to visualize. Elphaba, there are rejuvenation procedures these days for it... Just sayin'.

Sliced this creasture down the middle and there's the green. I'm kinda in the middle with this thinger. I don't hate it or like it. But the green spongy bun is kinda interesting... It's still keeping my curiosity.

Now, you can see all the layers of this Beetlejuice sando. The bun is pretty green. Could be matcha coloring for all we know. The fried cheekan patty looks dry as fuck and the burger all grainy. The cheese is barely melted. Oh, boy... Better add the "D" to IBS...

They give you 3 slices of bacon, but they are so thin that you can't even see it in the side view shot. But once you lift up the bun, they are there. They actually look pretty decent, not all shriveled up and burnt.

So, how was it, Pouch? It was nothing special, nothing craveworthy enough to get it again... You can't differentiate the textures or taste in each bite. It just tastes like a meat mass with not much seasoning. At least the regular old Whopper has some taste to it. C'mon, no one eats at a fast food dump for taste, it's all for filler on the cheap, but this fucking thing wasn't cheap at all. Blah blah blah, who gives a shit about how it tastes... All we want to know is what color was your shit, Lord Marsupial! I don't want to disappoint y'all but sadly, the turd cigars were normal color... Like baby brown sharks.
Yeah, this gimmick was exactly that... An impulse buy to find out what all the fuss was about. But I have no regrets, I did all in the spirit of Halloween. Plus, I was really fucking bored.

They also have a "Scary Black Cherry" slushie...
For a limited time, Burger King has a Scary Black Cherry-flavored Frozen Fanta.
One can only imagine what color your piss or doodie will be after slurping this satanic swill.

The only nightmare I had was how gullible this fat fuck was for a holiday gimmick. This year's BK gimmick burger was a bust, better luck next year, but McDonald's is bringing back one of their most elusive shit sandwiches... And I can't wait for this year's review of the McRib, it's a Cheekan Lipz tradition that my one fan expects annually. I hope my bowels are up to it after this fiendish sando.