Friday, June 15, 2018

The Boss Burger

The pedestrian world has been turned upside down with the recent announcement that IHOP is changing it's name to IHOb for a temporary PR stunt that got the entire interwebverse guessing what it could be... A great perturbance was felt in the trailer parks, as if millions of pervy peckerwoods suddenly cried out in toothless terror, and were suddenly silenced when their wooden dentures fell out. I fear something terrible will happened to IHOb. I don't even know when the last time I was in an IHOP for the pancakes let alone the burgers... But they shoulda changed it to IHOBO instead because half of the people eating and working in there look more homeless than Danny Bonaduce.
Speaking of douches and burgers, Chili's has been trying to work on their burger game, again. So, they unveiled this abomination they call the "THE BOSS" in a few test markets a couple of months ago, they shoulda named it the BEAST, instead... Because it's made up with 5 different types of meats and has a total of 1,650 calories and they actually dare you to take the challenge for $14.49... "Can you CONQUER THE BOSS?" Jesus fucking Christ, are you shittin' me? ...More like he will be shittin' on me after inhaling that creasture. If this is not a desperate cry for help, I don't know what is... Depression is a serious mental health issue these days and the Pouch is all about helping others. But I couldn't help people off the ledge since they were not in the Atlanta market yet... Until now. It's time for the Pouch to do it's good deed for it's one reader... Even though, this burger prolly won't do any good for my bowels.
Walked into the Toco Hill location late one Friday night after boozing alone in my bathroom with the vent fan on high and it was a total shitshow... And depressing as fuck. The place looked like the afterbirth of a BDSM show at The Chamber. It was filled with low rent mutts of all sorts... Which included the workers, patrons and this fat fuck. How the fuck is this dump still in business? It looks filthy, it smells rancid, and it feels sticky like the underbelly of a subway seat. Speaking of underbelly, I was even scared to sit in the bar area, where did all these obeast mutants come from and why are they intown? After waiting 8 minzies to be seated in the back dining room, I waited another 22 minzies for a server to drop off the menus and then another 9 minz for them to take my order. I never got that whiskey cocktail which was probably a blessing in disguise... Hell, I already knew there will be a lot of blessings of their hearts on this journey. I was so over it already and was about to walk out... Then this motherfucking behemoth came out in like 5 minutes. Before we tackle the challenge, let's take a quick look of the advertisement for their new baby before we dig into it...

The caption reads: "THE BOSS. The burger all other burgers report to. Smoked brisketrib meat, jalapeño-cheddar smoked sausage, bacon, cheddar, lettuce & tomato, House BBQ and house-made ranch. We. Dare. You. 14.49"
I think they forgot something. Where the fuck is the burger.. It didn't report in, did it go AWOL like I was about to 5 minzies ago? For almost $15, this better include the burger...

First thing I noticed was the burger patty which was a good sign. I asked for mid-rare twice, stressing it on a third time when I ordered it. Hopefully, they heard me correctly. Tis was a tall ass burger and held together with a wooden dowel in the center instead of a steak knife like in the picture. Comes with pickles and fries... Whatever, filler. I'm here for the manmeat challenge, not some dweeby root vegetables. While it looked impressive on first glance, it's time to take a closer look.

Let's deconstruct this Boss Hog- Top bun, bacon, jalapeno sausage, pulled rib meat, brisket, cheddar cheese, beef patty, tomato, lettuce, ranch, BBQ sauce, bottom bun... And everything looked dried out except for the watery ranch that dripped off the manmeat like dick cheese. There's no fucking way anyone can eat this like a normal burger... Not even the most experienced cocksucker can get a little bit of everything in one bite. I cut this thing in half to see the temp of the burger and as expected they don't speak English, they just nodded their heads like they understood what mid-rare was... The patty was as gray as the bottom of my fire pit. But it may not have been a bad thing... Do I really want mid-rare meat in this joint? Maybe if I wanted an instant case of IBS-D... Even if I did, it wouldn't have showed in this joint. The entire thing was cooked way in advance and assembled to order with dried out pieces of meat or globs of fat on the brisket. There's nothing boss about this burger except the price... The real challenge here is not that if you can eat it all, it's if you're smart enough to walk away from the challenge or not to even step foot into this dump in the first place.

Sampler Platter- Fried pickles, onion rings and chicken crispers. After that dismal display of dried up manhood, this appetizer sampler platter fared way better. Everything was crispy and tasted freshly fried. Some times the most boring items are the best items in places like this.

Bottomline: The Boss Burger bombed big time. If I'm gonna inhale 1650 calories in one sitting, at least make it worth my while in this shithole. This was one of the worst dining experiences in a very long time and that's tough to beat with all the awful chain restos out there. I swear, challenges like this will be the death of me... Not that being obeast  already and eating Popeyes on a weekly basis won't do me in first. But I will continue to take on any challenge for my one fan and for the children, unless my hooves get another bout of gout... Then I'll have Uber deliver it and feed me.

Shit, IHOb just announced a burger challenge... FML. Okay, I'll do it...

Flush.

Friday, June 8, 2018

tABI SUSHI

No... The weird lowercase uppercase name ain't a typo. It's how they have it on their website... Someone musta fat finga'd that gash big time. And speaking of website, they have declared themselves to have "Decatur's freshest sushi." That is a big claim with Brush being so close by. I know for a fact that Brush has some of the best sushi in Atlanta, let alone just in Decatur. And now, it sounds like they have a big time competitor in their mist with that bold claim.
So, this is a concept change by the same owners of Smoke+Duck Sauce... I was never a big fan of the place, it was just too weird, they were trying to push fusion to a whole new level but it fell flat for me. After awhile, I guess they realized it wasn't working in this location so they went back to a normal sushi/ramen/fusion concept. It may look normal and familiar at first but once you start flipping through the pages of the menu you will notice they are trying to please everybody. You start with the sushi, makimonos and house specialty rolls then the ramen and some izakaya items like ankimo and karaage, then there's teriyaki, Japanese kare rice, traditional fried rice, Indonesian fried rice, island noodles... And if that's not enough, "We can do spicy as your likin'". Spicy level from 1 to 10 is available for anything on the menu. Jesus, can they create a concept that is more confusing than the first? 
Since, I was in the area, I stopped in to see what the fuss was about and to sample a few things. They were also "offering customers half off all dine-in sushi through next Friday, June 8."... Shit, why the fuck not, ese. Let's go take a gander... The place looked basically the same as before except that they put in a counter top sooshee cooler. The more I looked around the more depressed I got... And the smell, it was like dining in a janitor's closet. Sat down and examined the menu more closely... There is no tonkotsu ramen. WTF. They don't even have chashu or anything pork related on the menu. Fuck me, don't tell me they're Jewish and don't dig on swine... This religious freedom bullshit has gone too far. You can't have ramen without pork bones and chashu, motherfuckers! 
Why do shit like this always happen to me... How the fuck do I get into these predicaments... Wait, why would you open a Japanese joint with no pork, that's like opening a burger joint serving only the impossible burger. Shit, since I'm here already I might as well subject this fat body to another dose of IBS-D for my one reader... I'm doing this for the childrens.
C'mon, it can't be that bad, right? ...Famous last words.

Ginger Salad, Miso Soup. Look at these two retards... A match made in special orympics. I can already tell that instant miso soup is so fucking watered down. The ginger dressing looked like my dog's vomit after eating a rotten pumpkin. Ok, the ginger dressing wasn't that bad since it was factory made. The greens were fine, didn't notice any slimy brown spots. The miso soup was... Well, let's just say they wouldn't even serve that swill at a soup kitchen, even they have some standards.

*Sushi 2, 7 pieces nigiri and tuna roll. When this arrived at the table, I had an instant craving for Publix sooshee all of the sudden... This exhibit looked like they pulled this from the window display case. Is it real or plastic? Look at that dismal display... Can they use a smaller plate to jam all the pieces together. It's like the cook was trying to create a sushi Voltron... This presentation almost made me Vomit. The nigiri was warm and it brought back repressed memories of the hives I got from eating warm sushi from some sushi dump in midtown years ago. I was already preparing myself to slam down 6 Benadryls when I got home. The rice on the tuna roll which were pressed against each other like mahjong pieces were all stuck together... When you try to pull them apart, it unraveled like a fruit roll up. Speaking of which the tuna inside kinda tasted like a gummy fruit roll. The fish on the nigiri wasn't putrid but it was like eating your mate's sloppy seconds on the same night... I wouldn't have mind it if I was drunk but I was still fucking sober... This is one of those times when you wished you were beer goggling. Instead of doing the walk of shame the next morning, I did it like 20 minzies later. The sooshee here is not good, don't even waste your time when Publix is down the street.
Let's do a quick picture comparison of "Decatur's freshest sushi" with Brush Sushi 5 minutes away...

Can anyone tell the difference between the Brush sampler vs. tABI sampler? I know it's a tough call between the two but I'm gonna have to give it to Brush's nigiri sampler. Let's see what other goodies we have in store for Decatur's newest and freshest sushi...

Spider Roll, soft shell crab, cucumber, eel sauce. This may be the only roll that I will eat and pay for but what's wrong with this picture? Where the fuck are the crab legs? Dissected a piece and it turned out to be a shrimp tempura roll. Took a bite and the shrimp was so dried out and rubbery like it was deep fried during prep and kept in a warm box for hours... Boy, I wished I had some eel sauce to soften it and mask the non-existent flavor with a heavy drizzle of over cloyingly sweet brown sauce. The server was nice enough to go find out what kinda creasture it was and she comes back with an incredible answer... She said the chef told her it was, ready for this... Lobster. Motherfuckers... Not only do you do a bait and switch, but you also have the balls to insult my intelligence. Ok, I'm not a smart man but I know what lobster is. They try to make it look like they did me a favor with a higher cost item. I took the ebi from the nigiri sampler and put it next to the "lobster" I pulled out and they looked exactly the same and they were still adamant that it was lobster. We just hit rock bottom, nowhere else to go except up... Right? Let's try the ramen...

Shoyu Ramen with Brisket. So, I asked the server why they don't have tonkotsu or chashu up in this piece... She says the owner doesn't like pork. So, what's the ramen broth base then... Chicken? She replies, fish. I'm like what other broth base do you have? She says that's it, it's just fish broth. You use fish broth even if you got the brisket or oxtail ramen? Yep. This is incredible... I have never witnessed this ever in my life. Come to think of it, there was no pork to be found anywhere on the menus. I get it now... The Indonesian fried rice gave it away. Thank god we have religious freedom here or else people would be demanding them to make a pork broth. Ok, let's get to the ramen... The brisket actually looked pretty decent. Took a bite and it was pretty good, I couldn't believe it, this was the first edible thing all night. Could it get better? I like how they give you a full egg cut in half, ok, it wasn't as runny as I would have liked it but it worked. The menma was very average, flavorless and textureless, it added nothing to this sparse bowl of noodles. The ramen noodles itself was toothy and had a decent bite... It's no Sun Noodle but it was acceptable and edible at least. The shoyu fish broth was weak as fuck. It did nothing except to keep the ingredients moist and they had the balls to charge $14 for this sad ass bowl. I can doctor up a good instant ramen for like $2 and it would totally destroy this overpriced lackluster bowl of wet noods. Don't even waste your time with the ramen here because it ain't ramen.

I would rather they kept the Smoke+Duck Sauce theme than to spend time and money to change the concept to try to appease the demographics with really pedestrian and middling Japanese food... Shit, this is not even close. Golden Corral is more Japanese than this joint, at least they have pork. Desperate times call for desperate means... And this ain't it. Leave the sushi and ramen to the professionals. What a shame and what a waste of resto space that coulda been so much more for this area. They didn't even honor the 1/2 off sooshee... Maybe that's because it wasn't sushi. It's a win win for them! Bless their heart.

2641 N Decatur Rd
Decatur, GA 30033
https://www.tabisushi.com/

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

The Flaming Rooster Spicy Chicken & Fish

"Become Flamous! Take the Challenge"

Aww, how cute... Just like how I like my cheekan, flaming. So, I was up in Chattanooga for some event that involved bland food and no whiskey... After that sobering event, I needed something that had intense flavor and fwied cheekan... aka Hot Cheekan. But I was no where near Nashville and Hattie B's ain't open yet in Atlanta. Then I remembered there was a Bolton's in this low rent town. The only problem was that Bolton's changed their name to The Flaming Rooster... Why? Who the fuck knows, but it prolly involved a family dispute and money. So, the menu basically hasn't changed, they still do the spicy dry rub vs. the spicy oil that we all know and love with Nashville Hot Chicken.
I really don't care if it's dry or wet as long as the cheekan is crispy, crunchy, juicy, tender and fucking hot as balls. I had to see what the fuss was about up in this piece and the $1 beers didn't sway my decision to come here, either... Ok, maybe a little bit. But I was here for the cheekan... And I needed my hot chicken fix, STAT. Walked around the building, there's no visible front door just 2 side doors, one on the side and one in the front. Well, I got a 50/50 shot to see which one will open. Ok, it took me two tries to get into this joint. No wonder it was dead in there... No one can figure how to get into the fucking place. Sat at the bar, looked at the menu and grabbed a $1 Corona pony... Too bad they didn't have tequila and a lime or else it woulda been Grizz time. I wasn't in the mood for their 6 wings, no sides, no drinks, hotter than hot dry rub challenge within 5 minzies... But I was in the mood for their Oh Hale Naw spicy level. Let's go get a taste and see how they compare to the previous Bolton's...

This was not the front door but it was colorfully decorated. All the windows out front were tinted like a Vietnamese massage parlor. The pouch better fucking get a happy ending... With a pouch full of spicy yum yums.

My eyeballs went straight to the Hot Meter... From Sprinkle to Oh Hale Naw! Guess what heat level the pouch will be getting... Like there was any question.

Is the cheekan that flaming hot that people just can't take the heat or those were just their only customers? The wall was pretty sparse... Now, my juices were flowing and hope they ain't just pulling my leg about how spicy their chicken is.

Leg Quarter with Oh Hale Naw! spicy level, mac and fries. The color of the dry rub looked pretty formidable... A deep red grainy coating covered every inch of the leg quarter... I was getting excited until I looked over at the mac and gave me instant whiskey dick. It was all dried out and I had more cheese between my toes than the elbows on this plate. The standard crinkle fries were cold, hard and dried out in the center. I could care less about the sides if the chicken delivered the heat as promised. Let's take a closer look at the dry rub and crust...

Looks fucking great doesn't it? Tried to rip the leg and thigh apart and it was like a Bowflex rod... That motherclucker wouldn't break apart, it was like twisting and pulling on a Stretch Armstrong. When I finally twisted that thing apart like bending metal, I was rewarded with an ultra dried out piece of chicken. The meat inside literally shrank into little shards of chicken jerky but the crust stayed perfectly intact to give the illusion it was a succulent piece of chicken that had that perfect crunch to juicy meat ratio. How could something that looked so good on the outside tasted like a mummified clubfoot. Maybe they cooked it in an Easy Bake Oven like you do with Shrinky Dinks. Oh, what about the hottest spicy level you ask? It was a joke, the first bite gave you a nice little kick while you're getting used to the dry rub that makes your throat scratchy, but the heat peaked so quickly after the 3rd or 4th bite, it tasted more and more like Old Bay with extra cayenne added. This coulda been an one off fuck up but I highly doubt it... It seemed like they pre-fried a ton of chicken and stored them in a warm box to be dehydrated for the next life. This piece of chicken looked like it was sitting in the back corner for days. Jesus, that cheekan sucked so much ass... It's almost embarrassing that their entire concept revolves around one thing, hot cheekan, and it failed miserably.

Wings with Sprinkle, green beans. After that leg quarter disaster, I was not expecting much with these wings. I got them with just a sprinkle of the heat just to see if it was the same dry rub but with less applied. I was hoping that it was similar to Popeye's Cajun Sprinkle which is fucking awesome. These wings were a lot better than the leg quarter (read: edible) but they were still kinda dried out. It wasn't total dog shit but I would never order them again just to be on the safe side. The green beans were pedestrian at best and it was the best tasting thing so far... Yeah, it's going that well. Ok, what's the next dish to torture me some more...

Tenders, plain with coleslaw. Ok, let me get this outta the way first, the slaw was average at best and liquidity. The tenders looked pretty decent and plump, it had nice color and a nice crust. I wanted them naked to taste the natural flavor without any seasonings to cover up any short comings. Took a bite and these mothercluckers were also dried out. What the fuck is going on in here... Do they not cook anything to order? I'm still wondering why my order took 30 minzies to get out. I had to use regular old hot sauce just to give it some moisture and that still didn't help much. I'm fucking over it... All of it. I couldn't even give away the leftovers to a hobo outside because there were none, they were all hanging out by the dumpster at Bojangles' down the street... Smart vagrants.

I was really excited to come here hoping for some kick ass ghetto hot cheekan like at Bolton's but the three different kinds of fried chicken and sides sampled were so disappointing that I had to write this up quickly before I purge them out of my memory and out of my flaming rooster lips... I could only imagine what would happen to my bowels if I also had the fish that was fried and dried days ago.

Flush.

3202 Brainerd Rd
Chattanooga, TN 37411
http://flamingrooster.strikingly.com/

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Tanaka Ramen

Ramen joints and ramen chains have been sprouting up all over this one horse town last year... They were all "highly anticipated" and the results were some were decent and some were just shameful. The next new gimmick intown is opening up overpriced pho and banh mi shops all around midtown and Buckhead... Which will be as exciting as holding your breath under water in a septic tank.
Noodle soups have always been popular but is the ramen trend slowing down in this town... Fuck no. People will still open up ramen joints thinking there is enough market share to go around. The latest specimen to manifest is Tanaka Ramen in Town Brookhaven in the old Boneheads space that didn't last long which was prolly the biggest bonehead decision to restart a dying concept in an area that Mexican't slop reign supreme.
Enough talk about fake Portuguese/African cuisine, let's get back to the ramen... I like what they did to the space, it's modern, clean, open and prolly cost a shitload to get that piri spunk outta there. First thing I noticed is the staff... All of them were running around like cheekans with their heads lopped off. The host/server broad walks me to the table and before I can even sit down, she was like, are you ready to order? What the fuck? She didn't even give me a menu... Yeah, sure, I'll have the bouillabaisse, a Big Mac and elote. The staff basically had zero training or common sense... Have they never eaten in a restaurant before or do they just go through the drive thru? She walks away and literally comes back in a minute and half and says, are you ready now? I was about to throw the togarashi powder in her eyes but instead, I asked the server if they had booze... She said, what is that? Am I on punked? Beer, brown juice, whiskey, alcohol, even ZIMA... Do you have any? Oh, no, sir, we don't serve alcohol... What the fuck are the cans of beer on the shelf for then? At this point I was exhausted already 3 minzies in... Someone open a window, I can't breathe. I just ordered some apps just to get her away from me. Then another server comes up 30 seconds later and asked if I was ready to order... It's like a fucking episode of Laurel and Hardy. I just put everything in to stop every server from coming over for my order.
3 minutes later, I see a portly little server carrying out a plate of takoyaki and he delivers it to the table next to me that just paid their bill... Guess what they said to Chet? No, take a guess... They all looked at him and shook their heads. He putz'd off with his head down but with his triple chin, he didn't get that far down. And guess who's dish that was... No, take a guess... He comes back 4 minzies later with the same dish and said, did you order this? I said, yeah, like 10 minz ago and I saw you bring it to the table that was getting ready to leave. He was like... Yeah, I couldn't figure out where it should go. Well, thanks for the cold app, Rocky Dennis. Just put it down so I can make fun of it, now...

Takoyaki Octopus. I stared at it... The gimmick to this dish was long gone, the bonito was motionless because the balls were all cold now. If they were flakes of bonito they may still had movement but since they were grated like parmesan they absorbed too much moisture and fell flat like greasy hair. I took a bite and inspected the innards... It was not bad but the pouch's instincts told me that they may be store bought from the freezer aisle. Tried another one and the consistency was exactly the same like processed. I'm pretty sure that these octoballs were frozen factory made... Hey, whatever works for them... But I will be skipping these next time. What's funny is that they served these balls on top of an egg salad... Where's the white bread?

Karaage (Japanese Fried Cheekan). Looked like they fist dredged it in the batter mix (said it had almonds but that's suspect) and pitched it into the fryer like a baseball. They were all stuck together like a chicken tender... Wait, I think they were trying to do Popeyes' Rippin' Cheekan recipe. So, that's what I did.. I ripped it apart to bite sized pieces and dipped it in the generic spicy mayo sauce... I don't know how mayo is a considered a sauce. The crispy crust surrounded pieces of dark meat chicken which was a pleasant surprise knowing that the roundeye area would demand for white meat. They weren't bad but they were not seasoned at all. I would not get these again... That takes a lot of balls for the pouch to skip on fwied cheekan.

Brussels Sprouts Tempura. So, on the menu under the apps section... There's A3. Vegetable or Brussels Sprouts Tempura... And then there's A4. Brussels Sprouts Tempura. Woooh, I just experienced a deja vu... I think there's a glitch in the Matrix. $6 for about 5 or 6 sprouts cut in half... About a buck a piece, it's almost as bad as the $1 a tot at BlueTop. The sprouts were fine, nothing memorable except for the truffle oil they spray on top. If you really need to try it, I ain't gonna stop y'all since I ain't paying for it twice.

Signature Tonkotsu Ramen. They highlight this with a yellow highlighter so you won't miss it. It looked pretty decent when it came out... The soft soy egg was spot on, the color of the pork broth looked creamy and the chashu looked tender. The black garlic oil was sparse hiding under the egg. The amount of "spicy" bean sprouts would be ok if it was pho and they weren't even spicy. The wood ear shrooms were fine but I woulda liked to see some menma in there. Ok, time to test the broth for that collagen stickiness... Took a sip, it was not bad, took another sip, smacked my lips a few times... Nothing. Sipped some more and waited... Smack smack, nothing. Meh, the broth was ok overall a bit on the thin side. Let's get to the ramen noods...

Nothing like poking your sticks into the cease pool and lifting up a giant clump of noodles all stuck together. Pulling apart each noodle one at a time was like getting gum stuck in your hair out. This huge clump was such a disappointment and it just ruined the whole experience. It's obvious that they don't even finish off the noodles in water before putting it in the bowl. I guess Master Tanaka ain't paying attention to his line. The chashu was fine, you get the standard two thinly sliced pork laid on top, but they were stuck together as well. I had to peel them apart like a fucking fruit rollup. For $14, this middling bowl of ramen will fill you up but it's nowhere near craveworthy status to come back for another bowl anytime soon.

Shoyu Garlic Ramen. Looked exactly like their "Signature Tonkotsu"... Seriously, what is the difference between the two bowls besides the little squirt of black garlic oil found in the tonkotsu. The broth didn't even had a hint of garlic or shoyu... But it sure was salty as stated. There will be no doubt that you will be totally full after eating this bowl because you'll be drinking at least 2 or 3 full glasses of water with it. I can already feel the two finga diet coming on before the IBS-D takes on the full effect.

For a brand new ramen joint on a Friday night, the place was barely half full... For the first time, it seemed like the words "highly anticipated" does not apply to a brand new ramen joint in this town. The menu was full of errors and confusing with the make your own ramen, the staff was not trained at all and lacked even the simplest of knowledge of the menu or order taking, and the lack of a booze license made it even worse. Booze always makes an amateur hour experience better. The main draw here, the tonkotsu ramen, was middling and disappointing, especially, given the price point. I don't know how Master Tanaka will fare here in this pueblo where the demographics gravitate towards the Mexican't slop and Hob Slob. I even walked down to There bar and it was a sausage fest... 6 lonely Vienna sausages sitting at the bar crying into their Bud Lights. I wanted to cheer them up by pushing in a hot dog cart and giving them free wieners... But Costco was closed. As for Tanaka Ramen... The ramen craze may have come and gone... Or it could just be the location. I hope he can stay afloat unlike the last tenant... Bless his boneheads heart...

It looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep again tonight but at least it won't be into a cheap glass of Bud Light with sausage.

205 Town Blvd
Ste A205
Atlanta, GA 30319
https://www.tanakaramenatl.com/

Monday, April 23, 2018

Ruchi Bangladeshi Cuisine

On a recent Friday night, I was drinking whiskey alone in my underpants and tube socks while watching Deadpool... Seriously, true story... And it was not a pretty sight, that's why I never turn on the lights. My tiny dump was as dark as the catacombs of Paris. I can't wait for Deadpool 2 to come out... But, for now, I have to settle for watching DP1 over and over again, kinda like how I cry myself to sleep night after night... And asking myself on a daily basis, where did I go wrong in life and how did I get so fat? I can relate to Deadpool's cab driver, Dopinder, and his love for Gita like the pouch's love for Popeyes. And love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world taste like spicy fwied cheekan. So you gotta hold onto that crispy thigh... Tight. And never let go unless it's down your piehole. Don't make the same mistakes the pouch made with Church's and KFC. Got it? Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. And what does Miss Mama June taste like? Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
Speaking of hot yoga... The pouch can't live on Popeyes alone... Or can it? But on this night the pouch gots the hankering for something spicy and Indian... And I'm not talking about that crafty Bandhu who stole Gita's heart and my box of Popeyes when I wasn't looking. I'm talking about Ruchi Bangladeshi grubbery... Ok, it's not exactly Indian chow technically but close enough. I needed something fiery to spice up my busy Friday night... What? It could happen, the pouch has friends. I don't care what the experts say, imaginary ones do count.
Located in the same space as Rose of India... And with the same exact decor in the same exact spots. Seriously, they didn't make any changes after they took over... Except for the menu. I had no complaints with Rose of India's food but it was nothing craveworthy enough that I had to put it on my rotation, either. But I heard decent things about Ruchi's grub that I had to check it out for myself... It's about time, pouch, you're losing your touch with reporting all that's fit to eat to your one reader. Well, if y'all were as morbidly obeast as I am, then you would know that heavy set people don't move much except to lean to one side to fart... I'm sure my one fan will understand. It takes a lot these days to get me motivated to report back on the new restos because they all sound so generic. Just the same shit wrapped in a different packaging. I read these new restos' menus and I fall asleep... But don't get me wrong, I have been eating out... A lot. I just don't have the time to write them all up because of my fat stubby sausage fingaz. But enough with the words coming outta your mouth, let's get some grub in your mouth, pouch...

Papadum. A nice little freebie treat to start off with. They were crackly and gave something to play with while you waited for your food. The tamarind chutney was a bit on the sweet side but it was way better than the green chutney that was bland as fuck. Let me channel my inner Yelper for a second... If it's fwee, it's for meeee! Next...

Vegetable Shingaara. Triangular puffed pastry stuffed with cubed potatoes, green peas, carrots & mildly spiced herbs. Just fucking call them samosas... Because that's what they really are. And they were pretty sizable like my grandpa's saggy sack hanging out of his shorts. They looked great but what ruined the presentation was that sad ass limp salad. Why, Dopinder, why? Let's take a closer look at this specimen. 

Nice and chunky on inside and the taste was full of flavor which was a nice surprise... And there's that fucking bland ass green chutney making another appearance. Replace it with the sweet tamarind chutney and you'll be ok. It's a worthy snack, I won't make fun of the roundeyes for getting it... Or even eating that pathetic salad.

Chicken 65. Spicy, deep-fried appetizer with chicken slices marinated with garlic & ginger; stir-fried and slightly sautéed with green chili, curry leaves, & special sauce. That was a mouthful wasn't it? And it sure was... It was tasty enough that I couldn't stop eating it. It wasn't spicy but it was pretty addictive... It's not as good as Kabab Express' wet version but this will do. They came out nice and hot, made to order and not straight from the microwave. Don't jinx yourself, pouch...

Naga Morich with lamb... Negasonic Mutton Warhead what? Super spicy Bangladeshi dish with ‘Naga Morich Achaar’ (spicy pickled green chili), garlic, & other spices & herbs. That's a bold claim motherfuckers... Don't ever call anything "super spicy" without the blessing of the pouch. I'll be the judge of this super spicy dish. It kinda looked like Dinty Moore's beef stew at first glance... Until I took a whiff of it. Could it be as spicy as they say? Spooned up a good bit of it on top of the Baashmoti Polao rice and took a nice big bite... C'mon, yo, it ain't that spicy. Oh, pouch, give it a minzie before you speak... And then it hits. A couple of sweat beads started sliding down my topographical mapped face. What's this? Something worthy of praise by the pouch? Perhaps... I will need to eat more before my final verdict. After a few more spoonfuls of the sauce and chunky pieces of lamb... The pouch decrees that this is worthy. It was not as super spicy as stated but I guarantee you that it will be more than most people can handle. This is a warning for all the roundeyes that may be tempted to try this... I had to use a napkin to wipe off some sweat from my fat face. And that says a lot for their execution of this dish... Not too shabby. I wished I had a mango lassi to cool the heat down... Where the fuck are you Mirza? Oh, wait, that's Panahar.

Garlic Naan. Ahh, naan to the rescue to soak up all the Naga Morich Achaar brewing in my bowels. It's a pretty good garlic naan... Well, shit, for $3, it better be.

Dharosh Bhaji. Fresh sliced ‘Dharosh’ (okra) sautéed with ginger, garlic, tomatoes, grilled onion and other spices. They looked burnt at first glance but they were not at all... They may have been purple okra. The dish was pretty good and it's a good contrast to the spicy lamb dish. 

Baashmoti Polao Rice. The perfect vehicle for spicy and saucy dishes.

I didn't know what to expect when I first walked in because there were no ex-pats or brownies eating in here... They were so happy to see me because I look like a Mexican and I was the brownest person to walk in. The only group in the entire joint was a pack of middle-aged single white female office workers getting together after work to complain about work because they are damaged goods and no man will have them. Jesus Christ, pouch, you are so fucking mean! Yeah, so, but not as mean as my Arby's Venison Sandwich review. Don't worry, no one's feelings are being hurt if no one reads this garbage... But that entire table of wrinkled hags were totally unbangable even with the lights off and downing a bot of brown juice. Why am I still doing this blog, again? This is the stupidest blog on the internet and there are a shitload of stupid shit on the worldwideweb. Lucky for me, I only have one reader... The rest of the counter is me re-reading this post to make sure Yelp didn't ban me. But as for this joint, it's worth a visit and I would have no problem going back for a revisit... Maybe with people even next time. How much do friends cost again? Who can use a $1.78 in change...

4847 Peachtree Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341
http://ruchiatlanta.com/

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Bad Daddy's Burger Bar

How many more burger joints does this one horse town need... I swear, I am kinda sick of burgers this week because when you're hungry you think you're craving for a juicy satisfying man meat patty between a soft toasty bun... But more often than not, I regret eating that motherfucker afterwards and it usually triggers the two finga diet to expunge that evil cow muffin from the bowels of hell within... Like that fucking new "fresh beef" quarter pounder from Deez Nutz which was worse than a full rectal trumpet. Ok, if the pouch was imbibing generously that day, it wouldn't say no to a burger... And this was prolly how this ridiculous journey to this joint began... Because I don't even remember driving here. It was that kinda day. I just mysteriously appeared at the front door and I saw a bar so I walked in, naturally.
Like most weekends, I start drinking early to wash away the pains of life... And then I get hungry and can never find a place that I want to give them my money. So, to make myself, stuck forevermore in this fatbody bag, feel better, I sometimes stumble upon Yelp to see what new and ridiculous food pics these douchenozzles post. And of course, they are some of the most unappetizing and blurry pictures ever assembled online by these esteemed food critics... Which gives me a reason to keep breathing another day to do just one more review for my one fan, it ain't over till the fat pouch sings. One night, I was clicking around the interwebs looking for the sequel to 2 girls and a cup and the search result led me to a picture of a fat gash eating tater tots and a burger... I was hooked. I had to find out where this place was... And if this pig was still there eating. I don't know if this is normal but I really enjoy watching obeast creastures eat, it's more fun than watching naked midgets finding their way out of a pig pen. So, picture after blurry picture of burgers finally revealed the name of this place... Bad Daddy's Burger Bar. What a fucking stupid name... Sounds like some sicko who's into fat chicks, lotion and slutty lap dogs. Now, their damn burgers have been imprinted on me... I guess I gotta check it out and report back to my one reader.
This is the worst lay out and location for a burger joint. It's located inside an apartment complex that seemed like it was designed by Mr. Magoo... Zero foresight and logistics went into planning this housing project. Finding your way inside is a task, where the fuck is the entrance? Luckily, I was drunk already, so, I let go my conscious self and acted on pouch instinct. Found the parking lot and followed the sounds of breaking glass to a small alleyway where the front or side door was... Do they think they're some kinda of hip speakeasy? The answer is no because there isn't any hip speakeasies anymore, only cheap speakcheesies. Speaking of cheese... Now, I'm kinda curious about their cheeseburgers. The place is like a burger version of Hooters, kinda slutty but the staff doesn't wear pantyhose under gym shorts... They even have wings, but they're $11 for 8 small wings. Fuck that noise. Alright, enough of the lip service already, pouch... Just get to the slop.

Fried Pickles, hand breaded pickles served with traditional ranch dressing. The lengthwise sliced pickles may look good but once they cool down they become flaccid like a wet noodle. This dudebro at the next table looked like he was gonna throw up watching me try to get these floppy pickles into my facehole... I guess it looked I was servicing some John at his POV and angle. These fried pickles were ok but I prefer the pickle chips instead. They stay crispier and easier to eat.

Magic Mushroom Burger, topped with sauteed morels, shitake, chanterelle and oyster mushroom, Swiss cheese, creamy truffle aioli and arugula, with tots. That sounds pretty fucking good doesn't it? Ordered it mid-rare and they were nice enough to cut it down the middle... Too bad they didn't even look at the inside. It's a decent looking burger but I didn't see any pink at first glance, so I may have to make a stink... To the manager and then the bathroom. Let's take a closer look, shall we... That fucking red onion ring sliced down the middle sitting on top of the bun looked so pitiful.

WTF... That doesn't look mid-rare... It looked like it belongs in an urn and driven to the sea and released. That heifer was basically cremated. That was no where near mid-rare... Maybe more like a mid-aged hag and there's nothing pink about either of them meatflaps. Luckily, all the toppings covered most of that disaster but once you put it in your mouth nothing on there could mask the over cooked meatcake once you start chewing. It wasn't terrible but if it was made to the temp as requested it woulda tasted a lot better and more memorable. It may sound good on paper but there is nothing exciting about this burger or any of their other burgers... It's just as generic as any other "chef-driven" burger joint. The tots were pretty good, though, crispy and crunchy... I'm happy to announce that no cases of IBS-D were reported. And sadly, that was the highlight of the night. Y'all know what I'll be doing when I get home... Yep, crying myself to sleep again.

Been there, done that... And another meh experience. Nothing special to report and definitely no need to go back any time soon. But the local yokels seemed to enjoy it... They're all yours, Jed and Jethro. Only one burger joint gets me excited these days... And they are still under the radar after reporting about them awhile ago, that's why I get a blood flow every time I get to go there.

5070 Peachtree Blvd
Chamblee, GA 30341
https://baddaddyburgerbar.com/store/ga/chamblee

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Tsingtao Brother

The Chinatown food court hasn't changed much in the last 100 years... That goes for the food shacks, the tasty grub they put out and the low prices. But change is good sometimes... Or is it? When I saw this place being built out awhile ago, I asked a FOB doing the Asian squat behind the counter if they were going to serve the beer with the same name when they open... He looked at me like how people look when you accidentally open the door to an unlocked stall while some dude was pinching a loaf. He was like, go away, fat boy, we have no food now! What the fuck just happened? What kinda ching chong shit was that? I thought it was Long Duk Dong buzzed off his skull for a second there... Turned out it was one of the food court workers taking a snooze break.
When it finally opened for business, I by passed it on two other visits before I grew the nut sack to try this place out. The place and menu just didn't look organized or finished... I took a peek into the kitchen any chance I could and it was sparse back there. They also didn't have that excitement all new places have when they first open... It's like they have been there for a decade and just didn't give a rat's ass about customers. I guess it's time to go in and see what the fuss was about... The numbnut at the counter just stood there and didn't say a goddamn word. I think he was trying to use his ESP to take my order... No, sir, I didn't order a quarter pounder with cheese, I was thinking of Popeyes, do y'all have any spicy? He was not happy with that answer and he finally spoke and asked, what you order? Since, I just ordered a beef chowfun at HK BBQ right before I came here, I should prolly not order another noodle dish... I should order two more noodle dishes! Since, we all know HK BBQ's chowfun is always solid, let's just focus on this new joint's dishes. Let's take a quick first look shall we...

Wok Fried Cheung Fun. I was looking at all the different casseroles they had on the menu but I wasn't feeling it. It was all a blur and then my eyes focused on this dish and I was seriously curious about it. This wok fried cheung fun sounds too similar to chowfun... And I had to have it, I don't care if I have to eat two of the same dish. Then this dish came out and I was pleasantly surprise by how fucking awesome it looked. It was rolled up tube of rice noodles with egg, scallions and bean sprouts... I was so glad I ordered this. The thick tubes of rolled up noodles were just plain dericious... The flavor and texture was heaven... And it didn't even have meat in it. This noodle dish was a total winner. I would get this again and again.

Skewers- lamb, pork belly, chicken hearts, chicken gizzards. I wanted to the try the squid claws but I didn't want anything that I had to crack the shell, it's too messy to eat. So, I just stuck with the meat on a stick that was easier to eat. The lamb and pork belly are pretty standard issue but I had to include the chicken hearts and gizzards which aren't always available at other places. I'll buy that for a dollar... And they all were, what a bargain! The lamb was literally only a couple bites but it was a bit chewy so maybe it was for the better. The flavor and seasoning was tasty but I would skip the lamb next time. The pork belly was good as expected but what pork belly isn't. The hearts were tender and had a great bite to them. The gizzards were all hacked up into unidentifiable scraps but after the first bite, it was unmistakable that they were gizzards with that unique crunch. For a buck each, there's not much to complain about. I'll have to splurge on the squid claws next time, I hope they're worth the $2.50. Oh, they also have free rice, so you could get a shitload of sticks and make a full meal out of it.

Lo Mein. I know I know... What kinda slope are you, pouch? We all know that lo mein is a classic slutty Chino dish for the roundeyes, but lo mein is also a real Chinese dish if skillfully executed by the right hands. Since, everything I have sampled so far was pretty legit... I couldn't help but order it. Plus, so many Mexicans were eating it that I had to try it... The sight of so many Mexi-muffin tops puts me into a trance and I do as they command. It was one of the specials of the day, so, I was curious if they did something different that made it special. For $5, there's no meat in it, just a veggie lo mein. It looked pretty decent but it was kinda bland. After a few bites in, I was put into a state of stupor and I swore I was eating worms... But they were only noodles, Pouch. If you want to fill your sack on the cheap and without any frills, this will do. But I would put the money towards another wok fried cheung fun, that shit is guud.

This new food shack ain't the friendliest or prettiest and it will definitely deter a lot of crackers from walking up to counter but this first sampling was pretty good overall. I need to try the casseroles but the fried cheung fun is a must next time and every time... Along with the chowfun at HK BBQ.

5389 New Peachtree Rd
Chamblee, GA 30341