Sunday, January 7, 2018

Lucky Key Chinese & Fuji Ya Japanese

This dump looks like it's been here for ages and ages... They probably witnessed the dawn of the Jurassic period and attended the baby shower for King Tut. These types of fusion/2-in-1 Asian cuisine restos are dime a dozen these days since 1984. I don't even have to look at the menu to know that they serve really slutty Chino grub for the gwailo's palate... But I don't care... Especially, when I'm boozing like a dirty fucking hobo and make poor life choices. Which was exactly what I did recently. Oh, this fat fuck was a real piece of work the past 2 weeks... Oh, I was in obeast mode. Then I woke up with my head in the toilet bowl contemplating life's mysteries... Is this it? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking, snorting... Then what? You're 50. You got a marsupial pouch for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it and you're eating this fucking shit...
Goddamn right I'm eating this shit... Slutty Chino is the rejuvenation juice from a week of heavy medication of the brown juice. Jesus, I can hear my limo driver, Lloyd, saying, "Man, you are one pathetic loser!" I'm rubber and you're glue... Wait, I'm more like blubber and poo, whatever I eat comes back up and gets all over you. Speaking of poo... Let's see what this place is all about after all these years.
Walked in, what a dump... Jesus, did they film The Last Dragon in here and left the set props? There's a zombie fish in the aquarium that looked eerily like Sho'nuff... I'm kinda skeered, now. I wanted to leave but there was a server that had Bruce Leroy's hairdo guarding the front door. I haven't seen an Asian dude use Jheri curl activator in decades. Shit, I'm stuck here but I don't even care anymore because I'm still fucked up from the night before. Just get it over with, pouch... You know you'll get IBS-D no matter what you eat anyways...

If I didn't get my head out of the toilet, I would prolly eat what I regurgitated earlier like a fly. So, I dragged my fat sauced ass over here for some lunch. You get a choice of the standard issued wings or spring roll and a soup. I went all in. The spring roll was your run of the mill crispy pouch filler with not much flavor. The wonton soup was that thick dough blanket with barely any filling found at almost every Chino dump. The hot & sour soup was not as thick as I thought it would be, they used the corn starch slurry sparingly which was nice. The wings were surprisingly tasty, the thick sweet sauce was finga licking good, but no 2 finga diet was necessary afterwards. This was the classic slutty apps.

General Tao's Chicken. This saucy fried nugget dish is such a classic for the hangover cure. But for fuck sake, what is that? Looked like stir fried possum taint. No wonder they misspelled Tso. I don't even know what cooking technique they used for this slop. The brown sauce was so liquidity... Like a Tauntaun afterbirth, but it will keep you warm in these frigid times. The supposedly fried soggy chicken pieces tasted like shit, close your eyes and it could be canned dog food... Even Rachael Ray's Nutrish dog food tastes better than this gruel. Mmm, it's duh-lish! This version was not crispy and spicy at all, it was bland and somehow looked like Mongolian beef. How do you fuck up this staple of every hole in the wall Chino joint... What a let down. I need another shot.

Vegetable Lo Mein. Ok, this is another staple of the slutty Chino grub category that can solve most of your alcohol or drug induced problems. It was not a pretty dish to look at but this was not bad at all... A nice portion of noodles to veggies ratio. I don't know why stir fried veggies and toothy noodles always taste so good the day after a night of heavy drankin'. This tasted pretty good right now but don't ask me for an opinion if I ate this sober.

Wait, you oinkers, we're not done yet... That was just the slutty Chino side, they got a slutty Sooshee side, too... And oh, y'all know the pouch won't pass up a chance to do a double header for my readership of one... Shit, why not, I was here already. And when you're a fat fuck like me, you just can't say no... But I also didn't want to drive back here later on. Let's see how Fuji Ya's fish shipment from Tsukiji market tastes today...

Thursday $1 Sushi included a large assortment... Taste the rainbow, motherfuckers. Ok, y'all know what kinda quality we're gonna get with dolla sooshe day... Look at that presentation, woof. Who rolled these, real Cubans? Where's the cigar box? I have seen better looking raw fish and rolls at the Clermont Lounge. Except that the rolls at the CL are more than a mouthful and fishier than chum on a charter boat. Don't even expect any style of plating here, it looked like they served the sushi on a styrofoam cooler lid. You'll be lucky if these pieces are sliced evenly and stayed intact when you pick it up. For what it was, it was all borderline acceptable and I'm being nice about it. It was so visually unappealing that I wanted to stab my eyes out with chopsticks if there were any available. If you have to ask for chopsticks in an Asian resto, that may be a red flag... Wait, they don't serve Thai food here or do they? Is it too much to ask them to plate the sushi diagonally instead of side by side like a military parade in North Korea... Making it look nice on the plate would have made a huge difference to the diner, but what do you expect for a dollar.

Soft Shell Crab. I think Ripley just shat her teeny underpants... Did this come out of Kane's stomach? Looked like a battered and deep fried baby alien rolling around in a Caesar salad with a puke bucket in the corner. Why did they quarter this creasture... Can't even tell if it was crab or crap. It was mostly batter with a little mushy crab bits inside. Do people actually water down ponzu to save a little money? I usually don't complain about soft shell crab but this may be the only exception in this one horse town. 

$1 Tempura- sweet potato, zucchini, shrimp, scallop, salmon and red snapper. Holy shit, when I thought they couldn't surprise me any further... They really stepped up to depress the pouch with this exhibit. How fucking high can they pile that tiny plate up with all that heavily battered and fried slop... They must be fucking expert level in Jenga. I love fried food as much as the next porker but this was just a hideous mess... It was like looking down the hatch of a Porta Potty on the 3rd day of Music Midtown. You can't even tell what was what and when you pile fried food on top of each other they don't stay crunchy for long. They kinda just glued themselves together. I don't know if they got the memo but Japanese tempura is not suppose to be heavy. It was like eating the same corndog one after another.

If you're looking for average Chinese or Japanese cuisine, this joint ain't it... As for slutty Asian, it was barely acceptable even after a night of heavy boozing. They have been here for a long time and nothing has changed from the decor to the menu. If you threw up in one of the booths no one will even notice, it would just blend in with the previous puke stain... I almost puked just thinking about the zombie fish in the tank and the sooshee I just ate. I think this is the big one... I'm coming to join ya, Elizabeth! Get off the toilet, I need it, STAT.

Flush.

4135 Lavista Rd #310
Tucker, GA 30084
www.luckykeyfujiya.com

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Applebee's

I had no problem avoiding this king of all chain restos for the most part of my measly life... Until now. Jesus, pouch, you have really hit a new low... Is this a cry for help? Shit, I have been crying for help most of my adult life and the only person that hears my cries is Popeyes... Or was that just stomach growls, nevermind. Even though, I'm a fat fuck that will eat anything, I have never had any urges to eat here (I know, that's a first)... Even their TV commercials are heinous. That was until they started promoting their one dollar Long Island Ice Tea aka L.I.T... Even my cellulite encrusted dumb ass got their play on words and I bought it hook, line and sinker because cheap booze is my bff. I know their food will suck ass but who gives a fuck, I'm gonna get LIT up like the 4th of July with the spare change I keep in my marsupial pouch. This gives me an excuse to finally walk through their doors, suck down some el cheapo L.I.T.s and then most likely straight to their shitter to puke up all that slop. But who knows, they might actually surprise me because most chain restos have been revamping their menu and image in order to capture the elusive millennial demographics... But I'm way passed that age and I will not be so easily bought with some $1 LITs... Ok, maybe just this one time. Jesus, I can hear my college dean now... "Zero point two... Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Fuck you, you don't know me, Vernon!
I'm actually kinda scared a little bit, now... I hope there's a church with a basement bedroom nearby just in case I get really fucking wasted. Church basements are so refugee friendly, just like the priests that tuck you in. C'mon, pouch, stop fucking stalling and get to it already you fat fuck... Enquiring pouches want to know!

Mmm, that frosty mug with a tasty cold long island tea looks thirst quenching... I'm sold on their new image and presentation.

What the fuck is this? Where's my frosty mug? All I got was this plastic water cup with premixed L.I.T. from a giant pickle jug. C'mon, I'm spending big bucks here for this $1 L.I.T. And I got $4.50 in my pocket... Just pour the 5th one in my hand for 50 cents. Yes, it was weak as fuck, what did y'all really expect for $1? But it did the trick to get this portly porpoise through the doors and even made the pouch order some slop up in this piece.

Spinach & Artichoke Dip- A warm crock of creamy spinach, tender artichokes, and melted Asiago and Parmesan cheeses, with freshly-made Spicy Chipotle Lime Salsa and tortilla chips. Jesus, that was a mouthful to say as well as it is to eat... It looked like freshly squeezed smeg from a walrus' twat. Do I eat this or apply a field dressing to this flesh wound? The chips tasted like they were freshly made during Dubya's second term... Fool me once, err, let's just cut to the chase, shame on me... Can't fool me again, but it did. Look at that thick fatty film on top, even mixing it all up didn't do much to make it more appealing or appetizing. It was just a salty ooey gooey mass that had similar elastic properties like Stretch Armstrong. I broke half of those chips trying to scoop that ectoplasm up to my snout. More LITs, STAT... To wash all that sludge down and hopefully out soon.

6 oz. USDA Choice Top Sirloin, broccoli and all the way baked potato. I like their presentation with the knife under the meat flap... Safety first, for the children in this safe space. So, there was like an extra $2 up charge for the all the way baked tater... Up charge for what? There was hardly any toppings on that sad spud, motherfuckers... I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS. The broccoli had a surprisingly vibrant green color, I know, WTF, yo? The sirloin actually had some decent char marks on there and it was cooked mid-rare, who the fuck cooked it, Rod Serling? It was like the Twilight Zone. Now, for the taste test... It was seasoned on the surface but tasted like nothing even with the nice bright red color on the inside. I have no clue where they source their meat but I wouldn't be surprised if it was grown from a test tube and planted in some moist dark cavern till harvest season. For what it was at that affordable price point, it was still forgettable... Maybe the LITs had something to do with it. 

Double Glazed Baby Back Ribs, half rack, green beans and mashed potatoes. Look at that coating... What the fuck was it double glazed with? 10W-30 after 50,000 miles in a Yugo? Holy HFCS... It was so thick that it dripped like pebbles on that plate. I don't even want to touch that yet... The green beans looked rather... Green. What is going on with the vegs here? They actually looked fresh and tasted decent. The mashed taters is another story... It looked like it was made with some of the original mother from 1982. I think it just moved... Help me baby Jesus, I don't want to die in here with the local townies. I guess I have to go in for the kill... How much for one rib? Because I really don't want to eat the rest... It did cut through somewhat easily but that sauce was just dismal to look at let alone put it in your mouth. I scraped off as much as I could and took a bite... Damn, it's so cloyingly sweet still. The rib meat flavor was pretty neutral tasting but all you taste is the HFCS sauce on the front and back end, nothing in the middle. Let's just say these ribs won't win any awards, even at a dog fight.

I know what y'all are saying... How much of a numbnuts can you be, pouch? Did you expect to discover something new that the toothless hillbillies across the bar haven't already... Speaking of which, the regulars here were amazing specimens for the Darwin award. There was this one big mouth who was talking shit the entire time about how he only drinks top shelf liquor like Grey Goose and Hpnotiq... And that the bartender needs to stock those for him. The he proceeds to tell his bros at the bar about how he cheats on his wife on a monthly basis or else you ain't a real man. Yes, because real men hang out at Applebee's on a Friday night picking up high brow stock. I saw the selection of broads in here... They won't even take selfies. One gash was no older than my 18 year old pick up truck and was wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and "Money" came on... The bartender was like, here's your song. She was like who's this, it sounds old. Yeah, I know she was at Target earlier because their graphic tees were on sale... And all the Def Leppard shirts were sold out. Busted, fraudie skank.

Look, the food and dranks were pretty bad all around but the people watching was worth every goddamn penny but no more than $8.99. Another hour and 13 minzies I will never get back. But that might not be a bad thing, give me a clean death, a soldier's death. Shit, who am I kidding? I'm gonna die on the toilet like the King. The pouch has left the building... So, has the double glazed ribs.

Flush.

Top Ramen

This ramen joint has been around for a bit but I never had the interest to stop in here because this strip mall is always empty on this end even though Sweet Hut on the other side has brought a ton of traffic to give this dump more visibility. But nope, all the restos and shops on this end are still being treated like a red-headed stepchild... No hut, no love. After passing this by time after time, I guess it was time to see what's the deal with this place. Parked right up front since there were no cars and walked over and kept walking when I saw no one in there, not even a staff member... I checked out the other Chino restos a few doors down and they were also dead as fuck. I doubled back to this joint and said fuck it, just do it, do it, do it, pouch... Stop being a fucking pair of inflamed meat flaps.
Walked in and the place was nice and modern, in other words, it looked clean enough to eat there. But there was not a soul in here, then this creasture limped out from the back alley exactly at high noon like Quasimodo... I didn't see an Arby's bell for that mofo to ring but he did drag over a menu. I looked at the menu and noticed that it was eerily similar to Lan Zhou Ramen. I mean the menu was exactly in the same format with the same dishes and all the wrong spelling and grammar, too... Like "Hond" Pulled Noodles. I was looking for the "Shranghai" buns but it looks like someone proof read that item. I had a 'hunch' that it was the same owners and that Quasimofo confirmed that indeed it was. I was getting kinda excited now because I love Lan Zhou Ramen and their hand pulled knife sliced noods are so guud.
Let's see if they are just as good as the number one son or just a red-headed stepchild that needs to be beaten, ignored and sent to a church basement.

Shanghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. I asked the server if this had the nice thin webbing of crust found at Lan Zhou Ramen...He said, yes, it da same. Then this bullshit came out... Ok, they gave you 6 buns instead of 5 at LZR to make up for the missing crepe layer. He says, sometimes the cook do it and sometimes he don't want to. Come again, Quasimotherfucker? Was this the chef's choice... Did I order the fucking omakase? I don't see goddamn California rolls on the menu, yo! They were nicely pan fried but I was still so disappointed, what a total sham and let down... I had a feeling that the correct spelling would fuck this up. I ate like two buns and got depressed. Time to move on...

Fried Crunchy Chicken. I just can't get past fwied cheekan if it's on the menu. They were prepared different as well... That fucking omakase menu again. They were kinda like the Japanese chicken kaarage... Little ultra crispy nuggets with more batter than meat and barely any seasoning. Some pieces were chicken soft bone which was a nice surprise but in the end, it was nothing craveworthy. I got screwed again. Next...

Beef Tendon Knife Sliced Hond Pulled Noodles. Ok, let's stick with something that they do best, the noodles soups... There were a lot of slices of tendon and they were tender as expected. The broth was nice but not as good as Lan Zhou Ramen. The knife sliced noods didn't have that wavy noodle texture, seemed more like they used a pasta cutter to cut long strands of it on a table. Let's take a closer look...

These knife sliced noodles were not as thick and ribbony like at Lan Zhou Ramen but still tasted pretty good. The tendon was great, the noods acceptable, but the broth needed a little more work to be on par with LZR. It's not bad but not good enough to get the pouch back here any time soon and by the looks of this sparse space and parking lot no one else is coming back either.

2180 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
www.topramenduluth.com

Maybe it's time to go back to the number one son for some redemption... Who is this fat fuck kidding? Of course, the pouch is going back... Like right now. What? It's on my way home. Don't hate, congratulate.

Lan Zhou Ramen.
Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. Fuck yeah, ese! The "R" makes all the difference... It was prolly spelled with a "L" initially but you know they can't pronounce L's. Now, these are the buns I have been looking for... This was perfect with that thin layer of crackling goodness... And the buns were juicy and flavorful. So damn guud.

Of course, I had to get the same noodle bowl to compare between the two spots. This bowl looked so much better, the broth had a better color and sheen, full of veggies and tendon and the knife sliced noods were perfect ribbons and had great texture. Just a perfect bowl on a cold winter day in da ATL. Skip Top Ramen and the drive to upstate GA and stay ITP for a proper bun and bowl at the number one son of hond pulled noods.

Jesus, who the fuck eats two lunches in a row? And the same exact lunch back to back. This stout specimen of a beast, that's who.

Squirt.

5231 Buford Hwy
Doraville, GA 30340

Hello Chicken Seoul Grub

The KFC trend has come and gone in this one horse town... But that doesn't mean it's gonna stop FOBs from opening more and more Corean fwied cheekan joints around town no matter how many there are already nor will the pouch stop eating fwied cheekan on a weekly basis. The more fried chicken joints the better, I say. Jesus, I just realized why I'm such a fat fuck. Deep fried foods are not healthy for you they keep saying on ER but I have never heard Doogie Howser say that in 97 episodes... Who would you rather listen to more? The worst Batman ever playing a doctor on TV or a 6 year old that had a perfect SAT score? Shit, that's a no brainer... I'm not a smart man but I know what love is... And I lurv me some fwied cheekan.
So, the always empty Lee's Tofu House closed down awhile ago and the space sat dark for a good bit until someone had the balls to exorcise this cursed space with two crossed fried chicken legs. But we all know that curses don't go away quietly even with 3 buckets of fried chicken as a sacrifice. But the pouch doesn't give a fuck about curses when it comes to KFC... I will fart in their general direction with a lethal dose of the pouch's most powerful gastric vapors after inhaling a whole chicken or two that even the afterlife will gag.
The name of this joint sounds eerily similar to Thank U Chicken but there is no connection between the two. Let's go take a first look and see if it's worth a second visit... If not there's always Quickly's kick ass nuggets or La Mei Zi's salt & pepper nuggets down the street.

Walked in and there are giant cubbies everywhere in a tic-tac-toe formation, what the fuck is this... An episode of Hollywood Squares or a coworking space? It's more like a fucking waste of space. Who designed this... Rubik's Cube? I think I just saw Jm J. Bullock in the center square. Even walking to the bathroom in the back corner was like a rat looking for a piece of cheese in a maze... I was getting annoyed until I saw this sign in the back. I totally need this in my tiny shithole apartment, it could decorate two walls. Ok, after draining the peeping baby turtle and admiring this work of art again on the way out, I found my zen and accepted this as a safe space. Time to destroy some CFC...

Half & Half, Soy Garlic and Sweet & Spicy sauce on the side, Fried Potatoes. It took forever for the chicken to come out but after seeing the size of this specimen, I felt a little blood flow going through my manhood. The little flags tell you that this is authentic Corean Fwied Cheekan... Jesus, I hope I don't have to stand up for their national anthem with my tent pants at full salute. Maybe the word authentic is a bit premature at this point, squirt... Until the pouch blesses it with it's muffin top. After a couple of minzies of letting it cool down a bit, the whole presentation started to look kinda gimmicky... I almost thought I ordered fish n' chips served with the waxy newspaper on a Thai wooden longtail boat. It also came with daikon and shredded bitter cabbage with a few squirts of mayo. Let's take a closer look at the cheekan...

Fried Chicken with sweet & spicy on the side. The batter and crust looked ultra thick and crispy while the chicken pieces looked kinda small... Ugh, that's a bad sign already. There were some tiny wings and legs and what looked to be half chopped up thighs. The golden color looked great but I had a feeling they were over fried on the second fry. Took a bite and it was like chewing into bark. The batter was so fucking thick like body armor, I should test it against a .357 magnum slug. Once, I broke on through to the other side, the meat was kinda dried out and measly. There was not much meat in any of these pieces, just all bones and batter to give it volume. They looked good on the outside but turned out to be a dud overall. Even drowning them in the sweet & spicy sauce didn't help much. The giant wedges of regular old Idaho taters were battered and deep fried as well which gives you the illusion that it was a meaty piece of chicken until you bit into it and then depression sinks in even further. Let's see if the soy garlic ones are any better.

Soy Garlic Chicken. They are basically the same wings with the soy garlic sauce drizzled on them haphazardly and the sauce was way too sweet and not a hint of garlic. These wings were a bit better because the sauce have softened the armor plating and you don't need teeth like Jaws from Moonraker to eat these fucking weak ass yardbirds. Overall, the pouch was not too impressed with their CFC... Maybe I should try something else on the menu... The wings looked good in the picture on the menu but so did the fried chicken. The only thing that seemed worth trying was the seafood pancake because the tacos and instant ramen were so goddamn gringo.

Seafood Pancake. $10 for this pancake that looked like it was worth the change between my cushions. First of all, the hot plate it was served on wasn't even hot, they cooked the pancake in another pan and transferred it over to a cold plate... The batter wasn't even crispy and a seafood pancake is all about being super crispy. I see nice golden brown spots randomly on there but it was spongy, soggy and barely warmed through. Why even waste so much time and effort on this if you're just gonna let it sit in the back for so long?

The only thing that made my night was seeing this amazing XMAS tree ornament... This looked better than their cheekan.

Overall, the KFC is not worth it at full price for $20... But I went on their XMAS special day for half price and that was even pushing it. The batter is just way to thick and hard while the actual chicken pieces were small and boney. Thank U Chicken was a lot better with meatier pieces and a better crust but you have to drive to upstate Georgia for it. Even though, this joint is in ITP, I have almost no interest in coming back here for the KFC unless they make drastic changes but it looks like the curse lives on in this space. 

5295 Buford Hwy NE
Atlanta, GA 30340
http://hellochickenfood.com/

Friday, December 29, 2017

PONKO Chicken

If there's fwied cheekan to be had, the pouch will sniff it out no matter where it is located... And there is a newish cheekan joint that decided to make their coop off an access road on Chamblee Tucker Rd. This area is like a blackhole, no one comes around here. It kinda reminds me of a rest stop off the Jersey Turnpike... But not even low rent hookers will service any Johns in this wretched hive of scum and villainy. But the pouch will cruise for action anywhere when it comes to cheekan. This is the strangest location for a fast casual resto, there is absolutely zero visibility or foot traffic around here. But I will bet that the rent here is prolly cheap as fuck and required minimal start up costs. There's some warehouses and offices around here but it still baffles the mind on their location choice... But that doesn't bother the pouch, I have risked life and limb in shithole areas of Atlanta all in the name of chicken. This location is a cake walk... Pulled into the lot and it was surprisingly busy. Seems like they do a lot of pick up/take out orders during lunch. The inside is modern and clean and looked surprisingly nice for a cheekan joint. Their entire menu is a spin off the Japanese tonkatsu, instead of a breaded fried pork cutlet, it's all chicken... And veggie patty or tofu is also available if you're into that crap. There is no bone-in cheekan options, boooo! But let's take a first look, anyways...

Spicy Ponko Tenders Plate, Ponko fries. It's like 4 decent size chicken tenders with 2 sides for $10. The tenders were crispy on the outside and moist on the inside, the spicy sauce coated the tenders fully. It wasn't that spicy but it will do for most pedestrians. The Ponko fries were just ok... Seasoned lightly with spices and herbs but they were pretty crispy. I liked the tenders, they're pretty good quality. I would prolly get them again if I was cruising for action around here but I would get the sauce on the side next time so they stay extra crispy longer.

Potato Salad. This was the second side with the plate... And it was a real snoozer. It was creamy with some toothy bites but it was pretty much bland and under seasoned. Their other sides are pretty limited and nothing really that interesting.

Ponko Rice Box, pickles, ranch. This is the basic rice box for $7, it's just rice and chicken with a little ranch and pickles. This was the regular Ponko tenders which were just as tasty as the spicy ones. I mean it's just friggin panko breaded tenders deep fried and thrown in a box with rice, it's not rocket science or some new culinary invention.. It's just simple food and it hits the stop for a quick snack but I would get bored real fast if I ate this regularly.

It's a cute little chicken tender spot in the middle of nowhere but it looks like they're just doing fine during the lunch rush. I doubt they're as busy later in the evening but who knows... I won't be reporting on the dinner crowd because I will prolly be too fucked up to drive that far up once the sun goes down along with the brown juice down into the pouch... But my one fan is more than welcomed to check it out, they are open till 10PM daily... Usually, around the same time that I'll be crying myself to sleep in a church basement somewhere.

2896 Chamblee Tucker Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341
www.ponkochicken.com

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Popeyes Ghost Pepper Wings

It's been awhile since I made a visit to my beloved mistress... I'm so fat these days that I limit myself to visit Popeyes only once a month. Well, that's what I tell myself because I can barely get up and fit in my car on a daily basis. But now, Popeyes has once again given me a reason to get off my medical grade visco elastic memory foam mattress for the rotund class with their newest promo product, the Ghost Pepper Wings. Their commercials looked promising and dericious... And after watching it for the 4th time, I already had one foot off the bed with a sock half on. That may not sound like much to the average person with a normal BMI, but for the pouch that's like Neil Armstrong... One small step for portly men, one giant leap for pouchkind.
I threw on a moo-moo and oozed myself into the car and proceeded to the nearest drive thru. My lips were chapped from this cold weather and I needed an application of grease on my cheekan lips, STAT. I don't know how many times I licked my lips from them being chapped or just thinking about these wings while I waited and waited in the drive thru line. I shoulda just went inside, instead... But I was afraid of breaking down another door in my haste and excitement, it was so embarrassing that last time. I finally inched my way to the window and was handed a bag of piping hot wings, the bag was so hot it was steaming when it hit the cold air from the window to my car. I hope these are as good as they smell... I drove home as quick as I could to dive right in... The suspense was killing me... Like the corns on my feet from laying in bed for an extended period of time. Finally, rolled myself into the house and ripped the bag open like an entitled snot nosed kid on Christmas morning in total exhilaration for my prize... 

The official box made it look legit... Time to open the prize.

We happy? Vincent?! We happy? Yeah, we happy... Look at that spread, it looks more valuable than Bitcoin. That is pure cheekan gold. They give you 6 pieces of drums and flats and a biscuit. I was wheezing from the steaming wings with a spicy aroma that's unique to the ghost peppers. Picked one up and the flaky texturous crust had an ultra crunchy feel. Took a bite, yep, it was super crispy and crunchy like all their signature cheekan and the meat was juicy and tender... But one thing was missing... The heat of the ghost pepper. While the wings had hints of bright red spots on them, they lacked the heat like with anything that has come into contact with ghost peppers. They were not ghost pepper spicy at all, but they should make these as their everyday standard spicy level chicken. The wings themselves were good but I would not get them again since their regular cheekan is still the best. But these wings did the trick to lube my fried chicken lips back to normal pH levels and lubed my fat ass with more cushion for the pushin'... Bless my toilet's heart.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Golden Eagle

I know what y'all are thinking... Did the Eagle open another location with golden showers? Don't be embarrassed, I was thinking the exact same thing... Well, that's because I'm an obeast sicko and my pea brain is always in the gutter like how Popeyes is always in the pouch. But no, this ain't the Eagle #2 and there isn't any water sports involved. This is the new swanky cocktail bar with a throw back decor from the golden age with a lodgey feel. It's a nice cozy space and they poured a good amount of loot in here and the horseshoe shaped bar is evident of the classy style they're trying to purvey. But what about the crowd, pouch? Will Atlanta's millennials and pedestrians embrace this style and location... By the looks of the large crowd on a recent Friday night, yes and no. Almost everyone in here were here just from the hype, the see and be seen crowd, and the 'first to review' Yelper types.
Enough of the dweebs in here, pouch, what about the food and booze? The cocktail menu kinda reminded me of the SOS Tiki Bar and the food menu had a Ticonderoga Club feel. I almost throw up a lil when I saw a $33 brick chicken and a $10 wedge salad on the menu. But there were some interesting items on the menu but I saw the crab rangoons the people next to me ordered and they were just an insult to all the slutty hole in the wall Chino joints. Before we get to the grub, it's time to booze first... Nothing on their cocktail menu sounded that interesting, so, I got a sazerac but they decided to make me a drink off their cocktail menu instead. I said to the server when he brought it over that there's no way that was a sazerac, it looked like an orange Fanta... Ok, I like orange. So, I took a sip and it tasted ok, told the server I rather have the sazerac... But instead, of leaving the drink as a kind gesture for waiting 25 minutes for the wrong drink, he whisked that drink right into the sink... What a fucking waste, that's alcohol abuse, yo. I put in a bunch of plates, so, while I waited for my drink again and the food to come by, the only thing I had was a glass of tap water to whet my appetite... It's clean, it's cold, now, that's what I call high quality H2O to cleanse the palate. Fuck that... Water sucks, Gatorade is better... And booze is even better. Jesus, now, I'm getting the sweats and twitches from withdrawal. The pouch's BAC level needs to be maintained at a minimum of .16-.19% or else bad shit happens... Literally, it gives me bad shits being sober. Speaking of IBS-D, let's see if the grub will be an enabler to my chronic curse...

Crispy Shaved Okra, lime salt. I liked this tasty littl snack, it's a great finger food for my fat stubby sausage fingaz to claw at. They were pretty good and it was a decent portion. They reminded me of fried green beans.

Burrata, roasted acorn squash, pistachio-sorghum butter, blackberries. It's not a bad looking dish but there's a lot going on in there... Locating the main star of the plate was a bit difficult until I noticed a gooey mass under the acorn squash... Usually, a gooey mass can be found in my underpants the morning after from boozing all night long and passing out on the bathroom floor. The burrata was creamy but needed seasoning even with all that stuff on it. The flavors worked pretty well and ask for more bread because those two thin slices of grilled bread ain't gonna do it. I would order it again if I had a couple of drinks in me first... Speaking of which, Jesus, I'm still waiting on that goddamn sazerac.

Okonomiyaki, basil, mint, togarashi, bonito. What the fuck is that? Looked like a M-80 exploded on that plate. The moving bonito on top is an old party trick but the pedestrians here are eating that shit up like it's alive. The pancake was basically all napa cabbage and not enough batter. It's far from a classic okonomiyaki but no one here will even know the difference between this and Yoko Ono, anyways.

Garlic Knots. I'm not a fan of garlic knots but somehow the roundeyes eat this shit up like there's no tomorrow. The worst offender of this specimen is Ippolito's greasy ass garlic rolls and I thought it couldn't get any greasier until I encountered these creastures swimming in a buttery grease bath. They would be acceptable if they weren't so lubed up and once is more than enough for a lifetime. This ain't no bar grub.

Steak Tartare, smoked bone marrow, herb salad, grilled sourdough. It looked pretty impressive when it came out but after reading the menu again this looked worse than the bone marrow topped off with 2 cups of tobiko at Blue Top. Who thought spreading steak tartare on top of the bone marrow would be a good idea... I understand what their thought process was on this but that doesn't mean it's a good idea in execution and for the paying customer. You're gonna have to scrape off all the tartare anyways to get to the marrow... And plus, that way they don't have to put that much tartare on there as well. The little portion of tartare and marrow was way off in the spread to bread ratio... That giant piece of bread was like a garden paver. They should have switched breads with the burrata. Overall, it was borderline acceptable, it wasn't awful in taste but there's not much meat on this bone... But if you like bread, you're in for a treat.

Griddled Sweetbreads, mostarda, toasted sesame. I luv me some offal but this sweetbread was tiny, it wasn't even the size of a Matchbox car. The sweetbreads were overcooked, tough and unseasoned. It was pretty much a waste of time and money on this dish. Skip it and spend it on something else more fulfilling, instead, on this limited menu.

This location has always been cursed but I like what they have done here, they did a great job on the design and space, I even kinda like that giant moose head above the bar... I know it's kinda gaudy and faddy but it works in this space. The gimmicky cocktail menu looked ok, the drinks were average and the food menu needs some work, it's not that interesting but it works for now and will definitely need to evolve down the road. The service was pretty attentive. The crowd is annoying at times but what do you expect with a new place that has been hyped up... I don't know if this will be on my rotation with this first look but I know that I will let this place die down before I head back to see if they have improved... And the mandatory valet is just ridiculous for this concept. Everyone fucking hates valet because they can give two fucks about your car... And that alone makes me not want to go back any time soon... Or I should just ride my motorcycle there next time so they can't fuck it up.
Bless their hearts.

904 Memorial Dr SE
Atlanta, GA 30316
www.goldeneagleatl.com