PIE 950

Oops! ...I did it again. I played with my pouch. Got lost in the 'ZA. Cheated on my main squeeze with the NPOTB... New Pie On The Block. That's right, Italian Britney, I ain't got no mo' Amore for you, bitch.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, No!
Oh, oh, oh, No!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, No!
The white muff.

"Our pizzas are baked at 900 degrees with hickory wood in a brick oven from Tuscany, Italy."

Drop the Chalupa!...I think someone fat-fingered that sentence. Hickory wood? More like Morning wood. Brick oven? Make that Easy-Brick oven. Tuscany? The one on Juniper Street.

The space is nice and the decor is cute... Especially, the dangling white lamp shades from IKEA. Their logo, if seen from afar, looks like "PIE bar". Vespa, cute bangable staff and Peroni logo on the wall... All the makings of something promising. Until... Someone runs out of Peroni. The fuck.

Margherita - Oh, Mamma Chia Pet... That crust had zero char, raw like a 5 yr old girl and stretch-marked out like a 50 yr old hag. I think the sauce was made with 'Sans' Marzano tomatoes. They almost fooled me with the rubbery mozzarella cut into round shapes like di Bufala except they didn't melt, they kinda slid around. I peeled off 4 of them to take home because I needed to move some furniture. The sauce was the juice strained from the can of Rotel. It was almost inedible. Dude brings out a box like I wanted to take that home to my dog... He woulda bit me in the ball if I gave that shit to him.

Crispy Calamari - These critters were crispy alright, crispy like a full short bus load on fire. Marinara looked fresh... From a can of Rotel. Did I order the Hot Mess plate from RA? Mebbe someone just made one in the bathroom.

Zucchini Fries - When did fries become chips? Is there Bingo tonight? This shit was like T-n-T... Thin-n-Tasteless. They shoulda just kept it whole to go with the bowl of Peter North's Own Bleu Jizz dressing. I can see why chicks dig this.

Meatballs - "How many meatballs are there?" "Four." ...3 comes out. Missing a ball like me. Drenched in V8 and squooshy ricotta. Balls weren't bad but the presentation looked like an used iPad on a plate. iPpetizing!

Nutella Shake w/ Roasted Marshmallows - Roasted... What is this? A pork butt? Mebbe it came outta one. Last time I checked, milkshakes were cold. How about toasted or brulee mallows would be a better choice? Shit wasn't bad, just a little thin for a shake and a total knock off from Flip. Mebbe they can call it the "Flop" shake.

Why bother comparing this to the superior Acunto ovens at my girlfriend's place? This pizza was not baked in a 900 degree oven... All the tell-tale signs were there in the crust and sauce. Letting this thing live and leave the kitchen was totally unacceptable. Like Arnold says, "You are one ugly mothafucka."

There's an old saying in Tennessee that says, "Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."

And by those words... I say, "I pity the fool. I won't be bamboozled again. Shame on you hair PIE 950. And where is my 40 acres and a Moscow Mule?"

Fat lady singing and then going to get a San Gennaro.

Flush.

950 W. Peachtree St. NW
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 881-8884

www.pie950.com