Antico Pizza Napoletana

If going "Full Retard" is a good thing, then this new pizzeria is the Simple Jack of all pizzas. This pizza made my eyes rain... Rains of joy.

I don't eat pizza crust nor do I give out 5 stars often... But this joint deserves all 5 of them and my pouch gladly accepted every last piece of perfectly charred "cornichon" crust. Even Adam, who is lactose intolerant ate almost a whole friggin pie... What some people will do for ridiculously good grub.

I have never been so excited about pizza (or food) before in Atlanta until I spied this joint last Sunday... Looking through the window like a hobo drooling all over himself at Krispy Kreme. This shit is the best pizza in Atlanta hands down... I may have been too excited and let the cat outta da bag too early by telling my friend Jen (aka Blissful Glutton) about this incredible 'ZA, I shoulda just kept my mouth shut and wet my pants instead.

I wanted to wait to review them and see how many peeps would jump on the bandwagon after letting Jen write it up first on her blog and Creative Loafing... Two fucking words: All Aboard! But when you dish out a perfect Napoletana 'ZA (I tried the Margherita D.O.P. and San Gennaro), there's no disputing who is the new sheriff in town.

These guys in here are the real deal and when I was talking to the owner, Giovanni, I saw in the corner of my eye, Enrico Liberato coming towards me. I was so happy to see him, I went full retard. Recent news said that Fritti had brought in a new pizzaiolo and people wonder where he went to... Well, the secret is out. This is where he belongs. Some people make magic in the bedroom, Enrico makes magic in the 3 Acunto Napoli ovens reaching temps of 1000 degrees. The pies are in and out of the oven in a little over 60 seconds... Holy, Jesus Henry Christ! I'll take this as my last meal before you crucify me, bitches!

After eating this redonkulus 'ZA... All I can say is that the other world class pizzas in A-Town can lick my manscaped balls. It is that fucking G O O D.

Oh, Mama Mia.

BURP X's 5... For my 500th review.

Now, go fold yourself and get your shine box.

1093 Hemphill Avenue NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
(404) 873-1272

anticopizza.it

Hand in Hand

This dump should be called Dick in Hand instead... Because you sit there waxing your ShamWow for what seems like an eternity waiting for a friggin server. That's why I don't come here much unless my Cheap Charlie fwends drag me here for their half off appetizer specials, $1 flat beers or smelly vage tacos. I rather put my dugan in a SlapChop and finish it off with the Graty.

This place has it all... The stench of rotten crotch, the decor of an outhouse, the service of toothless hags on Boulevard and the cuisine from Cook's pest control. Lookie, lookie... What's on your Cookie?

Last time I was there (about a week ago), the beer was warmer than a Spring piss and flatter than a Kindergartener on her first day of school. The two tables next to us had the same results. Sent that urine back and asked for bottled beers. 15 minutes later... Nothing. Went in and canceled the order. The bartender and server (sitting on a stool) were gossiping and giggling. How fitting... A stool sample.

The food is another story... Gives a whole new meaning to Pub Grub. Make that Pud Grab. I have seen the kitchen staff in the pisser taking matters into their own hands and walking out without washing them after their "quiet date". Look, flog your hog on your own time there, Chico. Fish tacos? ...I think I'll pass.

No glove, no love...

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

752 N Highland Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30306

(404) 872-1001

www.dereklawfordpubs.com

Rosebud

When a joint puts something called "The Big Nasty" and "Orange Thing" on their menu... I just get all giddy like a school girl in a training bra. Screw

No, they are not what you might find floating with a tiny Santa hat in my throne at home but rather, something that I want to put in my mouth over and over again... Kinda like those 2 girls and a cup.

The Big Nasty - Crispy and tender boneless fwied chicken, scrambled egg, smoked bacon & cheddar snuggled in between a pair of squeezable buns. The only thing that may surpass this beast is the glorious KFC's Double Down... Mmmm, chicken buns.

Orange Thing - No, it ain't Gossamer from Bugs Bunny. But an elixir with some of my favorite ingredients... Vodka, Grand Marnier & orange Pellegrino. I like booze and this dwink made my eyes rain because it tasted boozeless. But there was Sunshine (our server) at the end of the tunnel or bottom of the bottle... Offering me to do a shot of Grand Ma with her. Ah... Fuck Yeah! Then she personally made me another dwink which was so much better. Gurl, rock out with your cork out!

I tasted the big ass French Toast and I must say I approve. The sides of hash browns and grits were verra tastee... These little basterds had real grit to them. Toothy to the core, bite after bite. These ain't your Cousin Vinny's grits... Even da two yutes will love 'em.

The Yelp Elite shindig was fun, the grub was decent but their signature fruity dwinks were terrible. It had zero flavor or taste, so watered down that I couldn't believe they were serving this crap with a smile. Hell, Bill Cosby wouldn't even be able to pitch this stuff. It was gonna take a lot for them to get me back here... That was until the $5 Monday Mystery Meal was born. $5 for The Big Nasty? Sign me up! Don't be surprised if you find me on my death bed clutching a snow globe in one hand and a fwied chicken sammie in the other whispering "Rosebud".

I wish Chef Ron and the crew the best of luck... If you make good food, they will come. Not everyone is as dumb as they look when it comes to decent tasting chow... Except my dog, Taco. That cute lil fucker will eat anything.

Woof.

Second time around, I got the "Scent of a mule"... What a horrid rendition of the classic Moscow Mule. This place has some of the worst cocktails in the city. The food is decent.

1397 N Highland Ave
Atlanta, GA 30306
(404) 347-9747

www.rosebudatlanta.com

AMC Fork & Screen

I remember when this dungeon was called the Butthole Backdoor or something like that... It was filthy, sticky and smelly. And that was just the staff. This place wasn't even fit for District 9 back then. I have seen cleaner hobo huts under the Grady curve. Try sitting through Lord of the Rings like someone dropped an opened can of albacore tuna in oil underneath your seat. Purge.

But now, after an Extreme Makeover Latrine Edition... It's actually not half bad. The movie part of it... The food, not so much. $6 for a movie Mon-Thurs is a total deal and those high back chairs ain't too shabby either. I like the swivel action, reminds me of my AB Circle Pro at home.

The food, don't expect anything fancy, even though the menu kinda sound appetizing. Unlimited popcorn is a good deal. The chicken tenders (all flavas) were pre-cooked and dried out. Their trick was to bath it in either sweet or hot sauce... Ah, it might be wet on the outside but it's like plywood in the middle. You ain't fooling no one, tool. You can try to get the kids meal if you put on your best smile for the server... In this case, I bent over to pick up my Chapstick. For around $7, the kids chicken quesadilluh comes with fwies, gummi candy and a dwink... A decent sized portion. And of course, the booze... Beer, mixed dwinks, shots, donkeys, midgets, all can be had while you enjoy your flick. My advice, booze hard.

Even though, this thing is in Buckhead, I observed an unusual amount of redneck activity whom patron this lair at night. These mythical beasts from Deliverance country, one can assume, only come into town under the cover of darkness. It was a spectacular sight indeed... Until the movie started. 2 words: Pork & Scream.

BTW- Don't bust my balls but I must admit I went to see Julie & Julia. And I liked it... A little, it was cute. Awww...

Now, shut up and git me a beer, woman!

Squeeeeal!

3340 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 816-4262

Little Five Points Pizza

WTF happened to L5Ps? It used to be hip and edgy, now it's hip and hop. It's Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut all day all the time up in this piece. Don't get me wrong, diversity is what L5Ps is all about, but I don't want to hear Lil Jon say "What?! Yeah! Okay!" repeatedly while I'm trying to eat a slice and not burn the roof of my mouth.

I'm a 'gluten' for punishment. I found their 'ZA pretty good once many moons ago, but it got fugly real fast... How many times can you reheat a slice? For God's sake, have some mercy on that thing... It's going into my pouch. The sauce, cheese and everything else is so God damn insipid. The worse was the dough/crust... Looked like it was dragged through raw flour when it came out of the oven. Was this thing trying to mime a slice of 'ZA? I didn't order a Fwench Bwead pizza, fool...

A slice is cheap here and in two ways... Price and quality. You get what you paid for... Just like the pathetic rags these footstools were wearing.

"Can I get a plain slice..."

"What?! Yeah! Okay!"

Punks.

Flush.

422 Seminole Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 525-2530

Ali Baba L5P

"Open, Sesame!"... Is what I say when I come here or when I'm at your mom's house.

This little mom & pop out house with a hookah patio on da side, dishes out some decent tasting grub... Even collegiate baseball players can afford to eat here. You got all your standard Medi-favorites, they're not gonna make you wet your pants with authentic spices and flavors but the girthy shaft of pressed man meat snuggled inside the Autodoner made me did.

Lookie here, you can't go wrong with the Gyro here. Lightly toasted pita filled with shaved lamb/beef meat and a little veggie filler. It was a nice balance of meat and ruffage but coulda use some more tzatziki. The flavors didn't make me blow my wad and neither did the price. A combo with a dwink and side runs you about $8... My side of hummus and a couple scraps of cut up pita was passable in a hippie kinda way.

Keep your guard up... The 40 thieving hobos around these here parts won't think twice about Bogarting your meaty booty and leave you with an empty pouch on the curb holding your dick in the wind.

Close, Sesame!

Zippp.

1099 Euclid Ave
Atlanta, GA 31136
(678) 508-9811

www.alibabaatlanta.com

Dog Days

Let's just say, Abe Froman can still be snooty, snotty... He's still the fucking Sausage King of Chicago. But I sure did get a rogering from this Vienna schlong.

Sweet Jesus, it only took them over a year to open... How fucking long does it take to open a tube steak joint? Unless their buns are paved with nuclear gold relish... This shack shoulda been opened within 4 months. I was so excited to see their sign go up like 14 months ago in this shit stain strip mall with the likes of Pizza Slut, NeHoe's and Jack Shack... But the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned into months, I had lost all desire to wrap my lips around that meat snorkel... Lazy ass dogs.

I finally stopped by and had to have their Chi-dawg. Small or Regular...I'm guessing bun or stadium size, WTF? Here's 5 dolla, now make me holla... The only holla-ring heard was when I opened up that styrofoam box. A poppy seed wheat bun ran through the garden... Have you seen my wiener?! That meat flute was like a peeping turtle hiding in it's shell. It might as well be a Vienna Sausage.

The construction was textbook with all the proper ingredients but it was missing one thing... Taste. It just wasn't there... Mebbe, part of it was that the pizzle was barely warm through besides the fact that the place was so damn dreary. The decor was lackluster and so was the one man staff. It reminded me of the Bates Motel, creepy. It was dead in there.

This joint just didn't do it for me... Mebbe, one day I'll stumble back in there and try the Italian sausage but somehow I know I will get tallywacked again.

Frankfurter.

2.5 stars.

6025 Peachtree Pkwy
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 449-7433

www.dogdayshotdogs.com

Royal China Restaurant

If you plan on meeting white people here for dim sum... Get here before they do because roundeyes get herded into the corner and left for dead.

Corner tables are the worse for dim sum... The best stuff are gone by the time they get to your table and you're left with some fwied mothball thing, deep fwied dumps or worse, that silken tofu slop. I don't know about you but I don't like taking dumps during dim sum... Off them carts because they're usually stiff and hard. But some chicks dig that though.

From the handful of dim sum joint around town, finding a consistent one is like playing roulette. You place your bet, spin that friggin' lazy susan around and hope that those lil steam baskets produces some tastee grub. In this case, the dim sum overall was decent. A lot of both hits and misses. If you're not with someone who speaks Chinese, forgettaboutit here. They will force feed you all the gwailo junk and tell you it's delicious and you will believe it.

I know some peeps thought it was pricier than usual but that's because we reordered a few favorite standbys... Over and over again. And they were snatched up quicker than a white dude at a Polo/Khaki sale.

Overall, this would be a 3rd string player... China Delight still has the best all around starting lineup for dim sum.

'M Goi Sai... Come again.

Fay Jai.

3295 Chamblee Dunwoody Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341

(770) 216-9933

Aomi Sushi & hibachi

When The Grape got squeezed... Aomi rolled in their cream cheese to this location. The Grape was a decent concept but it got boring and tiresome real fast. Will this new sooshee joint survive? Based on the decor and Americanized menu, I say... Mebbe.

You gotta love a Japanese menu that has a whole section devoted to "Tapas". I shit you not... It really says "Tapas". Plus, a shitload of cream cheese rolls, hibachi, noodles, fwied rice, bento boxes and sushi. The only thing missing is Injera and Naan. It's truly your run of the mill suburban authentic Hello Kitty menu. This would be a great first date...For High School kiddies.

Nothing is great and nothing is terrible. Space is suburban cookie cutter chic... At least they not blasting bad music like some other trendy sushi joints. The food, very basic prep and execution, cooking 101 here.
-Hibachi is your standard mixed crap in a bowl.
-Udon noodles is the store bought kind, chewy and starchy.
-Bento Box is barely passable to be called Bento, mebbe Bentover Box.
-Sushi is your usual suspects which were edible but not memorable. But I did see Uni and Monkfish Liver, though.
-The Rolls... Oh, the Rolls. With names like Japanese Beaver Roll, Japanese Hot Dog, Mexican Roll, Red Bull Dog Roll and the disturbing Ocean & Land Roll... I think there's one called a Fat Roll and it comes with a gun inside it. How can your mouth not water with excitement or cream cheese?

Oh, Gaijin...

2.5 Pedestrian Stars.

5145 Peachtree Pkwy
Ste 470
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 840-8710

Thai Spice

Reconfirmed.

Ugh.

After a year, you would think they would have worked out the kinks. The menu says Thai but the food tastes like Panda Expwess. How does a Thai resto make everything taste like bad Chinese food? Answer: Because the friggin demographics around here doesn't know the difference between a Jelly Roll and a Basil Roll... Nor do their Mexican cooks.

Tom Yum Soup - Tasted more like Sum Yung Gai. Pure toilet water, a squirt of low rent fish sauce, no lemon grass or kaffir leaves, nothing that a real Tom Yum consists off. One shrimp, one scallop, a few squid rings and a piece of fish chum swimming in tainted water. I rather go waterboarding instead. Splash.

Green Curry Chicken - Once again, asked for THAI HOT. And all I got was watered down green milk... I doubt it was even coconut milk, mebbe from some kind of nut but it ain't from a Coco unless that was the dude's name. I've had hotter Italian Ice. This "curry" was so thin and runny, it made mine look like molasses. Squirt.

Pad Thai - A giant clump of brown mess. It looked like a dirty bird's nest. I know some birds regurgitate their food to their young but Jesus... That doesn't mean I want to do it involuntarily. C'mon, I don't wanna eat something that looks like a plate of pigeon droppings in Central Park unless you triple dog dared me. Drip.

Spring Rolls - Crispy outside, crappy inside. Enuff said.

This joint is absurd.

Norcross gets what Deliverance deserves.

I think I just drove off the road.

Splat.

5161 Peachtree Pkwy
Ste 605
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 449-3996

www.thaispiceatlanta.com

Buddha Restaurant

Seriously, does anyone really remember what they ate here?

Every time I come here, I haven't the slightest idea of what I ate... Prolly because it was late as shit and I'm 3 sheets to the wind. But usually, it has something or other to do with rice... That's what I speculate from the half mauled styrofoam box I find in my fridge in the afternoon when I wake up with one shoe on and not much else. It ain't a pretty sight and I'm not just talking about the slop in the box.

I like how this joint is opened til 6am... Not that I need to eat early in the morning but that laughing Buddha mocks me every time I walk in. It's like he knows that I can't stop eating and I'll be as fat as him when I stumble out. Just call me Doodie Buddha. Sometimes, I feel the urge to do the Asian squat out front and watch the cars go by... Or that could just be the booze talking.

From what I gather, the grub ain't bad, it's your usual suspects you find on any Chino-American menu. But since they have such a high turnover rate, the ingredients are fresh and sometimes tasty. The crowd is pretty much diverse, it used to be mostly "boys" but nowadays it's gotten a bit more ghetto. So, I pack heat, just in case there's big trouble in little Atlanta.

This new location is all class, even if the patrons are all crass. I couldn't believe how nice it was when I first walked in... Compared to that dump on 14th street. I was scared to order anything with "brown sauce" because it prolly came from a brown eye. The staff is polite and they get the grub out pretty fast. That's great when you're pissed and starving and time is of the essence.

Thank you, come again... Oh, yes, my pouch and I will see you soon, you fat giggling Buddha!

Burp!

100 10th St NW
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 874-5158

Fortune Cookie Restaurant

My fortune said, "You will go on seafood diet. When you see food, eat it."

Unfortunately, unless you're fat, dwunk and stupid like me on a Sunday afternoon... You will find that the grub here is barely passable. I must admit, I was intrigued by all the 4 and 5 stars. So, I had to see what all the fuss was about since I had to run a few errands around here anyways. Let's just say, I can find a better meal at the Dollar Tree next door.

Ok, given that it was in buffet mode when I stumbled in, one can usually find something decently prepared and edible. Or mebbe not. I said to myself... Self, "Why is everything so God damn sweet up in this piece?". I know I was dwunk but that doesn't mean my palate was too. I found my answer when I looked up from my trough and spied the room... Sweet baby Jesus, it was like a Senior Assisted Living Home. But I proceeded to gorge myself anyways... LEAVE ME ALONE, I WAS STARVING!

In the end, you get what you pay for... And in this case, I got forked. Seriously, not a pair of sticks in sight. I had to eat this Chino grubbery with a dusty old fork. The best thing on the line were the green beans before they dump that sweet brown eye sauce all over it and the worst thing was something they called "House Specialty" which looked like hacked up Sea Monkeys. The ubiquitous egg drop soup and hot and sour soup were your basic bowls of thickened slop, light on the flavor and heavy on the corn starch. And in between, you got trays full of eggrolls, crap racoons, lo mein, rice (white and fwied), mei fun, sweet & sour critter, Yak, yardbird arms/legs, shrimp, broccoli and a giant bowl of Kotex red sweet & sour sauce. If that doesn't scream "Where the white tugboats at...", I don't know what does.

All this stuff can be summed up in 4 little words "Crap under a roof". But the servers were spot on with the refills and gave you the check 2:45 minutes into your fine dining experience. This is your basic run of the mill small town American-Chino joint. You go home now, fatboy, you eat everyting! Close your eyes, you see food no more!

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Splash.

2480 Briarcliff Rd NE
Ste 7
Atlanta, GA 30329

(404) 636-8899

www.fortunecookieatlanta.com

Avanzare Restaurant-Hyatt Regency Atlanta

I have never seen a ghetto redneck upscale casual resto before... But if there ever was one, this would be soooo it. No, Adam, I'm not talking about Ryan's.

I only come here once a year for Dragon Con to see all the freaks and geeks in their LARP and WoW outfits... And it's awesome. But this Hyatt, not so much. It's kinda rundown, not that it's ugly, it's just kinda dated and worn out like your mother's combat boots. It reminded me of a fancy HoJo. Ok, since we're talking about your mom, this place is fugly.

Anyhoo... DT Resto Week, the menu read pretty well here, so I gave it a shot. Coming down the escalator gave me flashbacks of Furries, Klingons, Trekkies, Star Wars, Sailor Moon, Gladiators and the Ghostbusters. I must admit, I kinda got excited in my special purpose area.

Walking into this resto was a trip... A trip back in time. Holy shit, it's like the late 70's here and I ain't talking about the staff either. There was an aquarium on the back wall and it was cool because the fish were actually swimming in it. The only fish I see in tanks are either upside down on the bottom, floating or about to be someone's dinner. Speaking of dinner...

Crawfish Grits - White cheddar cheez? Unless I'm color blind, that shit looked orange. Grits were... Well, gritty, flavorless and dry. Mudbugs were snuggled up under a blanket of melted single serving sliced cheez. What a mess, I confess.

Avocado Shrimp Cocktail - Would help if they actually had avocado in it. 5 shrimp looked like it was 'seasoned' with Old Dirt. What's with the matzo crackers? "Cocktail" sauce tasted like... Well, the prefix. Pump.

"Smoked double cut pork chop, cut from the center of the rack, brined in Jack Daniels for 24 hours, cold smoked for 4 hours with Jack Daniels barrel wood chips" - Sounds friggin' good doesn't it? Tasted like a double cut ass. Nice grill marks but this meat paddle was overcooked and it was like sawing a tree. Broccolini was great though... But the mashed taters tasted like the valet made it. Here's your $2, freak.

Prime NY Sirloin Steak - Aww, it's Mr. Hanky sleeping on a bed of steamed broccolini, how cute! Instead of medium rare, it was brown all the way through. As with the pork chop, ditto on the sides but the whole roasted bulb of garlic was a nice touch. Squirt.

Homemade chocolate truffle cake - This shit wedge was plated so far in advance that the raspberry coulis literally dried up (see pic) and the cake as well. Two bites of this thing made me look like a dog eating his own feces. Woof.

Mascarpone cheesecake - That fake whipped cream was hard as a golf ball and that little hat on top of it aka candied lemon slice had seeds in it... Huh? And the cheezcake itself... I had better desserts at a funeral home. RIP.

The service was absurd. This used up trailer park creature with a thick southern accent whom it claimed to live in Buckhead had the personality of a cow muffin. It came to take our order right when we sat down, literally. I'm like WTF? The wine glasses were filthy and when I asked for replacements, she sighed like I was putting her out... To pasture. Bitch, don't make me get up and put my shoe where most of the trailer park has been, it might like it. She eventually got friendlier... By rubbing all up and down my arm and asking me to draw her a tattoo design. My arm felt all skanked up from her gweezy talons and all I wanted to do was put hydrochloric acid on it... That is, of course, right after I punch her in the nuts. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of this one whore town. Paid my bill and 86'd that hairy hole ASAP.

Btw- Parking is retarded, you drop off upstairs and retrieve downstairs in the dungeon... WTF? It's like some sick incest trailer park version of 2 Girls and a Slap Chop. Up, down, up, down. Don't forget to wipe up with the ShamWow... Front to back, Vince.

Au'voir Avanass.

Flush.

265 Peachtree St NE
Atlanta, GA 30303
(404) 588-4135

5 Seasons Westside

Y'all know most sequels never lives up to the original. Case in point... This beer ball trilogy. The original at the Prado is good but part deux in North Cackalacka is like preschool caca and now, the 3rd (turd) is just a case study in Shitonomy.

This place is like a red headed stepchild... Now, I know how Malachi feels. No love... If you're gonna screw me, use a glove at least. And lube, for God's sake... I'm fragile. Somehow, I'm sure there's enough dressing to go around here to toss your salad.

Lobster Bisque - Looked more like a cup of latte... Thin, watery and flavorless. Tiny pieces of lobster that could double for tilapia. No hint of sherry or herbs and spices. I got robstered.

Red Beet Salad - When I saw this thing I wanted to beet my meat in it to give it a little more volume. Tiny bowl of bib lettuce, cubed red beets, walnuts, onions and goat cheez... While it was fresh, the portion was absurd. Rabbit droppings.

Braised Bratwurst - One single wiener... Hanging a little to the left. What's a girl to do? Cut that shit up! But I got sandbagged... That dusty old schlong broke apart into grainy chunks when you try to slice it. Homemade kraut was cabbage slaw and French bread was a hoagie roll. The grain mustard kinda saved it... Not.

Granny Serrano Pizza - A ra-tarded deformed circular pita bread with caramelized Granny Smiths, Serrano ham and sweet onions. Zero char, whiter than the driven snow... didn't know if I should snort it or shovel it, it was like something you can pump out from an Easy Bake oven.

While these things were edible in a dearth kinda way, the entire menu is just so watered down and lack any creativity from the original. Space is monotonous and the staff have the personality of a fruit rollup... All corporate. Even their brews tastes pre-measured and factory made. Churn 'em and burn 'em.

Drip

Howell Mill & Marietta St
Atlanta, GA 30318

www.5seasonsbrewing.com

Valenza Italian Restaurant

Being in college and making $12/hour doesn't leave this co-ed collegiate athlete much cash flow for a healthy dinner since most of it goes to Natty Lite, Ramen noodles, tampons and weed... Sometimes, I splurge and get Kroger's box mac n cheez (3 for $1). But Yelp Eats came to the rescue and bail me out of my slump of fwendless moppishness.

I came here with friends (Or were they??? Since I spend so much time on Yelp) after watching a 24 hour Star Trek marathon on Sci-Fi. I had to drive my beater all the way out here because I'm redoing my transporter room. I just hate having close encounters with Klingons... Except during Dragoncon. What a bummer. But when I got here... I was like WOW! This area would be great for LARP... But only after I fill my pouch.

Now, lookie here what Leeeeeeroy Jenkins had...

Calamari - Tasty sliced tubesteaks of baby Humboldt squid even though they were poached off and then lightly grilled. Very tender, seasoned and matched well with the tomatoes. Missing pine nuts though, I love those tiny nuts... Who doesn't?

Carpaccio - Not bad at all given that it was pre-sliced and plated, nice presentation and good flavors... That you can actually taste. They didn't drown that meat curtain in truffle oil like at some other places. This dish was so pretty, it belongs in midtown... Haaaaay!

Brick pressed grilled chicken - Why did the chicken cross the road? So, I can eat it. This bird was spot on, juicy, nice char and flavorful. Tuscan taters were oh so crispy and moistly tender inside, they were just plain friggin good. Salsa verde paired well with the charred yardbird, nice balance... I just might have to put some of it on my Popeyes next time! Oh dear, I think I just soiled my pants.

Pappardelle - What looked like a ginormous meat tumor on a plate turned out to be the best dish. Pasta had the perfect size, shape, thickness, volume and bite... Kinda like the chicks I date. The Bolognese was just right in consistency with meat and yumminess, draped over the pasta like a beautiful weave... Not like some half ass canned beefstew spewed on some chincy egg noodles you find at the bottom of a toilet at another Eyetalian joint. This is one of the best pappardelle in town.

Blueberry Tart and Vanilla/ Lemon Panna Cotta - Even though I can careless about these things people call desserts, they were a nice change of pace... They were well made and just the right amount, enough to have a savory taste but not enough to give you a muffin top. Not too shabby.

Who woulda thunk it? A pretty damn good Italian resto in Brookhaven that half of the people living in that area don't deserve. Mebbe they will open a healthy green burger joint here one day for all the collegiate athletes who gets laid a lot... But it will prolly be "a little pricey" though. *Sigh*

Have you seen my baseball, Jerry?

Burp.

1441 Dresden Dr
Ste 100
Atlanta, GA 30319

(404) 969-3233

www.valenzarestaurant.com

Toulouse

I ate here many moons ago... Unfortunately, it was rather unmemorable. I filed it way back in my noggin, hoping it would drain out of my ears along with the excess fluid in my brain from beating my skull in.

Fast forward years later to some Yelp Wine Event, once again, nothing really worth reporting. A few scraps of vittles tossed around here and there. At least there was wine to help with the lobotomy.

Since the Yelp Eats menu were dishes off the regular menu, why not give it another shot? I shoulda shot my foot instead. If it wasn't for the company, this would have been a lot worse. They say laughter heals all ulcers or something like that... Because what came before me made me laugh to my pouch. It's no wonder why I haven't been back since... Steve Penley works aside, It was just so fucking dreary in here. Did someone die in here? The place was like a funeral home.

The service was sporadic and the food uninspiring... I guess they need more time to work out the kinks, everything was 'too loose'. Staring at an empty glass for 5+ minutes and no server in sight in a basically empty room was pure madness... I might as well be in a padded room. I counted 1 host, 1 server, 1 'manager', no cook... Wait, Frodo mysteriously appeared later on like a animal let out of his cage. What is he, the gimp?

The French inspired menu looked great on paper but when the 'chef' walked out into the kitchen... He looked like he just crossed the border last week. The food is passable... Especially from a kitchen that looks like that. Cruddy ceiling tiles above it seems like it's spawning more yeast than their bread. Your best bet is to order a few apps and drink... And drink heavily at that.

Strawberry Soup- Oh lord. Smoothie anyone? Why they put that in a beer mug, you got me Pepe Le Pew.

Goat Cheez in Phyllo- Ever heard of a eggwash? Mebbe they ran outta eggs. Shit, use butter cooking spray... That phyllo looked like a twisted up tissue and tasted like raw flour. Big hunk of goat cheez was just too overwhelming. Along with super salty tapenade and crunchy poached apples. Too many flavas all at once.

Seared Scallops- Pretty good, decent size and cooked properly. Rosemary-Citrus reduction was weak, broccoli was outta place and fingerling taters looked like they were giving you the bird.

Buffalo Meatloaf- Slice of meat so soft it looked it was made of sawdust, roasted tomatoes cut in half and sitting on top like a pair of yamika, mix of indistinguishable mushrooms, salty veal jus, and rosemary mash taters with no rosemary in sight. Passable but no heart.

Flourless Chocolate Cake- Flat piece of chocolate so rich that 2 bites is more than enough to cover your teeth in fudge. I guess this is what they mean by shit eating grin.

Apple Turnover, Caramel Sauce, Cinnamon Ice Cream- Brought me back to my childhood at McDonalds with their apple pies. They're two for a dollar now! What a bargain!

Overall, this resto could be so much better but somehow it feels like they have lost that passion. Service, food and atmosphere just barely gets by... It's not bad and it's not great. It is what it is.

1 star for the food. 2 stars for the Steve Penley works.

Comme ci, comme ça

2293 Peachtree Road NE
Suite B
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 351-9533

www.toulouserestaurant.com

EVOS

The only thing Green was the color of my face... It was either from nausea or anger from the fact that I shelled out $12 for this experiment. I felt like the Hulk was pummeling at the bane of my existence... My pouch was in misery and had to tap out early or else my purple pants woulda popped. Someone open a window and call a doctor STAT... Anybody but Dr. Bruce Banner because he is an emotional prick. Shit, I'll even take Dr. Seuss with his green eggs and ham... Hope they're not air baked.

This place is cute, nothing special, no one would be green with envy here... Especially, the fodder. But the service was friendly... Almost too friendly like they were trying to cover up something... Hmmm. Nice people, wrong product.

Steak burger - 90% filler, 10% rubber. Get 4 of these silicon disks and you can move furniture around with ease. This patty was like a cow muffin... Dry, flavorless and unbreakable. The veggie fillers were fresh, I especially liked the full length slice of pickle. The bun was made for a real burger... You know, the ones that are juicy and edible.

Air baked fwies - What's the fuss about these things? Nothing more than Ore-Ida Extwa Cwispy fwies from your grocer's freezer straight to your garbage. No amount of ketchup or MSG could make these sticks crave worthy.

Chicken strips - Heavily breaded pieces of dried out chicken... Or was it tofurkey? Who knows, 2 bites and into the can of mystery. Dig them out if you want to investigate further... I'm sure they won't turn anytime soon.

Mango Shake - I had better Slushees at QT. This was like something I made in Chemistry class in high school. Close your eyes and try to figure what flavor you had. Mine tasted like Crystal Light On the Go flavor packets. Isn't styrofoam cups bad for the environment? Oh well, we all need a balance.

Ketchups - What in Yahweh's name is this? If your gimmick is centered around a fucking condiment... There's no hope, not even Obi Wan can help. "Hey, let's go to Heavo's, I'm craving ketchup and I need my fix." Squirt.

Some might like this stuff but to me it was just painfully boring. It's worse than watching old people eat. Like them, I wouldn't last too long on this earth either. But it wouldn't be from old age because of a healthy lifestyle, it would be from eating this stuff that my pouch won't compromise with...

Kermit was right, it ain't easy being green. Especially, hovering over a toilet or balancing on a lily pad... Make mine a wee-wee pad instead.

Splash.

*And just for all you ra-tard shills... I'm awarding it 1 star, now. Keep it up cuz y'all make me laugh. Plus, I make $12/hr and I got all day to play... College baseball.

5590 Roswell Road, Ste 140
Atlanta, GA 30342

(404) 252-4022

www.evos.com/

Caramba Cafe

Ay caramba...

Lo que es esta mierda? Yo quiero Taco Gidget en lugar...

Seriously, ground dog meat in BBQ sauce would be better than this slop... Wait, I think that was one of the dishes I sampled. They make El Azteca's grub tastes like I was back in Spanish Harlem. The only thing Mexican was the busboy doing the Mambo with his foot in the swinging doors to the kitchen. The menu is pretty much your standard issue gringomidas except they have "Multiples" instead of "Combos". Not only is their menu Lost in Translation, so is their cook. I think he was from Canada.

Our server was Dixie Wetsworth from Cabana Chat... Make that Caramba Crap. It was not exactly the poster child for a delicious meal. And I don't think the people here really cared if this was Mexican or Chinese food. I mean if you look around, this whole place reeks with "townies". Beggars can't be critics.

A Texas Marg was in dire need to cope with all these inbred dingleberries... I don't know if I was high on life or high on cleaning fumes but this tasted like frozen lime Gatorade. Jose Cuevo musta been the hobo who made it.

Guacamole was this pastel nuclear green cream cheese thing. Shit, put some tapioca in it and you'll have a nice avocado bubble tea. Better yet, give it to RA Sushi and have them make a roll with this spooge.

Tacos, wow, what a specimen. If you let it sit there for a few minutes this thing actually moved on it's own. They should serve this on a petri dish instead. Ground beef tasted like sawdust, cheez was shredded on a nail file and the pile of lettuce looked like a goat chewed it up. Fortunately, it was not pink.

Other dishes around the table looked like what seemed to be a Caesar salad, Pancakes w/ lettuce and tomato, and Hot Pockets w/ BBQ sauce. It all just looked so fucking ridiculous... Along with their mixed media decor.

Who ever thinks this is good Mexican grub should not operate heavy landscaping machinery let alone a row boat. Viva la Cuba! What... Ain't they all the same?

Flusho.

1409 N Highland Ave NE Ste D
Atlanta, GA 30306
(404) 874-1343

www.carambacafe.com/

Shoya Izakaya

I know what you're thinking. "Did he press 5 stars or only 4?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a 44" waist, the most powerful pouch in the South, and would eat your plate clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question:
Do I feel hungry? Well, do ya, punk?

After a ginormous dinna at Honey Pig, I had to stop by and see how they were doing because that's how I roll... Seriously, I rolled in. They have been gangbusters ever since they opened... They're kicking ass and taking names. Hiroshi and Masa are the mans. They will take care of you and explain the menu. I was there for one thing, the hamachi kama, but ended up noshing on a few other delicious tidbits available that night.

Prok berry (aka Pork belly) - What's in a spelling? That which we call a belly by any other name would taste as sweet. Fork tender and just pure heaven, like a pig in shit.

Chu-toro - I just had pork belly and now I'm having tuna belly... Shit, look at my friggin belly, it's udderly bloated. I bequeath my belly to mankind upon my death or when I hit slaughter age... In about 10 months.

Flounder sashimi - One of the specials of the night, it was good, not great but the texture was unique from other flounder sashimi I had. At least this flounder didn't have a pledge pin on it.

Sea cucumber - This was a nice surprise. You usually don't find this in sashimi form. Awesome texture and flava. It gave me a cucumber in my pants.

Hamachi-kama - Holy fucking shit, don't get cheeky with me. This was awesome and it was the small cheek. The skin was thin and crispy, the meat was juicy and steaming hot. The flavor is incredible as with the presentation with both fins.

Read them and weep, suckaz. Yeah, I'm talking to you other restos out there. That's right Atlanta, something finally warrants a 5 star from Gastro... Fraudie Buddha, Fraudie kevin h. or whatever I am today.

BURP!

X 5.

6035 Peachtree Rd
A-101
Atlanta, GA 30341

(770) 457-5555

www.shoyaatlanta.com/

The Landmark Diner

There's no mystery in what happens to you after slamming down a garbage plate from a gweezy spoon at 4AM. It never fails. It's like clockwork. And I'm on auto pilot... Destination: Ass Gutter.

After lubing my inter-nards with 5 quarts of lard... I usually make my own 'Landmark' in the facilities. But this one was quite the opposite. By no means was the food culinarily inspired... It was more like anally perspired. It's your basic diner grub that will do the trick. Shit, speaking of tricks, the trannys around here are wide as the day is long. Shoulder pads are so 80's... But duct tape is eternal and so are 24 hr diners.

Anyhoo...

I stick with the breakfast slop... Bacon (mmm, bacon), eggs, sausage, hash browns, pancakes (I like pancakes!), egg sammie, even the grit... etc, etc, etc. When they are not backed up (I know the feeling) the food comes out looking... Well, like food. It's amazing how those short order mongoloids on the grill can transform something as simple a sausage into some new malady from a medical journal... And there ain't no cure.

Eating all this pigswill can be summed up in one word: Pannus.

Floppy.

60 Luckie St NW
Georgia State University
Atlanta, GA 30303
(404) 659-1756

www.landmarkdiner.com/

The Northside Tavern

3 Words: Two Buck Chuck.

A plastic cup of Trader Joe's finest can be had for... That's right, 2 friggin clams.

How fucking rad is that?

Fucking. Rad.

Speaking of clams... You prolly don't want to eat any here but this place kicks ass though.

If it looks like shit and smells like shit... Chances are this place is da shiznit!

This place is full of talent... But not the kind of talent you want on their knees behind the dumpster outside. You'd be Better Off Dead than let a troll gnaw on your pole or else you'll be hearing...

I want my two dollaaaars!

Just don't put your testicles all over me. All this blues has put me in a state of...

Moppishness.

1058 Howell Mill Rd NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
(404) 874-8745

www.northsidetavern.com/

New Paradise Restaurant

"What a piece of Junk..."

"She'll make Chow Fun in the speed of light. She may not look like much, but she's got Duck where it's Roasted, kid. I've eaten a lot of special Monosodium Glutamate myself. But, we're a little hungry, so if you'll hurry and order we'll get it out here..."

A New Hope?

This shanty might had been New back in 1977 but time has been harsh on this discreet old "Junk". Squeezed between a NAPA Auto Parts store and a cruddy garage... This is hardly the Paradise one would envisioned. But never judge a wok by it's flat bottom.

Many a roundeyes would be scared shitless to eat anything from a raggedy looking Chino joint across from the CDC. But I say hellz no and go! CDC to me... Stands for Cantonese Delicious Chicken. This Chinese fwied ghetto bird had super crispy thin skin, tender bweasts and plump rump meat. Fa-friggin-nomenal. "Eat or eat not... there is only fry"

Roast Duck was not offered on the menu but if you don't ask, you will never know... We asked, we received. Nothing foul about it, a succulent duck it was... Crispy with juicy morsels of meat. "That chicken is our last hope... No, there is another. Duck."

Chow Fun was definitely a contender... Just the right amount of gweeze, rice noodles, color, onions, bean sprouts, coulda used a little more man meat but it was a hefty portion, nonetheless. "Much to eat, you still have."

Pea Shoots piled high and plenty... Young, tender, saucy and green, just like my wimmen. A veggie dish pricier than fwied chicken... "How you get so big, eating food of this kind?"

Congee with 1000 yr old egg and prok was velvety smooth but needed a little bit more seasoning and better pieces of pork. But overall not too shabby. "Empty is Pouch. Eat what you have ordered. Stuff you it can."

Even though, this place looks like a dump... With some remastering, I can see many more sequels in their future... Such as "The Emperor Stirfrys Back" and "Return of the Jellyfish".

May the Pouch be with you.

Burp.

4795 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30341

(770) 936-0306

La Parilla Norcross

Dios mio, ayudameeeeeeee!

No mas, por fav... No mas! Tio! Tio! My pouch gives up!

I can't take this mierda anymore, you sasquatches are killing me up here! They should call it La Pariah. This is the bottom rung of the Mexi-ladder. This slop belongs with all the other ladders that fall off the top of vans on I-85... On the side of the road.

This is top notch FMV that will deliver explosive IBS... Watery skanky tacos, sloppy Jose burritos and melt in your pantalones enchiladas. The refwied beans... Well, you can imagine. Make like Speedy Gonzalez and head for el bano.

The only thing Mexican about this place are the Telemundo shows on the TVs. This might be the only joint that you won't find any Mexicans eating or working at.

Teleporto... Me outta aqui!

Mexican't.

Flush

5131 Peachtree Pkwy
Ste 1005
Norcross, GA 30092

Hal's on Old Ivy

I'ma scared... Did I just walk into the Regal Beagle? Cougar.. Puma.. Mountain Screamer central. I swear, I just saw Ralph Furley in the corner hitting on Stifler's mom... Or was that Ivan's mom? Old people are funny... Because they have dementia.

This place is like the National Treasure... Really. As in ancient. I saw a Centenarian trying to buy a dwink for some old Battle-Ax with a Morgan Silver Dollar. Jesus Christ, no amount of Cialis can get Mr. Alzheimer's attention, let alone, STAND at attention... Or just merely stand. I wonder if there is a pool of cocoons in the back. The only thing that I wanted "aged" was my meat...

Escargot - Buttery and tender... Shit, who am I kidding? It's sea snots swimming in fat but damn, were they tastee.

Crawfish Tails - It ain't nothin' but a thang. Kinda reminded me of the clam strip dinner at Howard Johnson's when I was kid.

Rack of Lamb - Presentation was meat on a plate. Period. I guess, since most of the patrons are half blind, they really wouldn't notice the missing garnish. But sometimes that's all you need... a log of meat with a lil red wine and mint jelly reduction splashing around. Shit was spot on, cooked a perfect medium rare. Everyone loves a delicious, juicy and tender rack... The meat wasn't bad either.

Filet Mignon - Plastic surgeons should just use two of these instead of those hard toxic silicone or floppy saline... These perfect 36C's filets are the real deal, not only do you wanna suckle on these savory beef mammaries, you'll wanna lick your fingers clean afterwards. Oh yeah, they come in 2 flavas- regular and au poivre.

Prime Bone-In Ribeye - This newborn weighed in at 22 oz... And boy, was he delicious. Luckily, you don't need 9 months to enjoy this boy meat... But you may end up in the fetal position after going into a meat coma.

Entrees comes with creamed spinach, mashed potatoes or pasta asciutta... which were all side show freaks of filler.

The service was good but beware of large parties since they don't do separate checks. Confusion may arise, especially when the server speaks broken Engrish, even though he's been living in the US for 20+yrs. Cuckoo.

Nick the Lounge singer entertains y'all at Hal's with the song du jour while you dine... But for some in 2001: A Steak Odyssey, it was while you die...

Old Ivy, Hal's on Old Ivy, give me your man meat do
I'm half full, all for the love of you
It won't be a stylish presentation
I can't afford a space station
But you'll look sleepy upon the seat
Of an Ikea couch built for two

RIP (Rest In Pouch)

30 Old Ivy Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30342
(404) 261-0025

www.hals.net

Publix Peachtree Battle

Two words: Eye Candy.

I would be huge if I could eat with my eyeballs up in this piece. Hot broads shop here... And hence, so do I. Cubs to cougars... It's like they dress up just to buy a jug of milk. I just like to watch theirs'.

Oh btw, they have groceries, too. The biggest green onions, short of leeks, in da ATL. Their fwied chicken ain't too shabby, either.

It places the lotion in the basket.

Pump
Pump
Squirt

2365 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 869-6556

Cami Cakes

One word: Cute.

...And so is my dog, Taco. But I wouldn't want to eat Tacos (of any sort) everyday, though. Same goes for these super fattening, super sweet and super greasy footstools. Once a year will do it for me.

It's a cupcake, people. It's not like a piece of delicious fwied chicken. If I closed my eyes, I can tell the difference between a leg, thigh or breast... Cupcakes taste all the same to me. Unless you put a burger patty between it... Well, there's something to really talk about then...

Two words: Cami Burger.

Burp.

2221 Peachtree Rd NE
B
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 748-4288

camicakes.com

Popeyes Famous Fried Chicken & Biscuits

Hunger, Is The Feelin' Now
Fryer, Temperatures Risin' Now
Popeyes (Ah, Popeyes), Is The Food, The Wow
That Makes It Happy, It Asks No Questions Why (Ooh)
So Get Spicy (Spicy Now), To My Piehole Now
Just Feed Me, 'Til You Done Run Out (Ooh)

Keep On, With The Pouch Don't Stop
Don't Stop, 'Til You Eat Enough

Feed Me And I Feel On Fire
Ain't Nothin', Like A Leg Devour (Ooh)
I'm Melting (I'm Melting), Like Hot Chicken Grease
Satiation (Ah, Satiation), Grubbin' Where We're At (Ooh)
So Let Leftovers, Take Us Through The Hours
I Won't Be Complainin', Cause This Is Fowl Power (Ooh)

Keep On, With The Pouch Don't Stop
Don't Stop, 'Til You Eat Enough

Full Belly, Is The Feeling Now, I Won't Be Constipated (Ooh No)
The Pouch Is Poulet Power

Keep On, With The Pouch Don't Stop
Don't Stop, 'Til You Eat Enough

Keep On, With The Pouch Don't Stop
Don't Stop, 'Til You Eat Enough

Keep On, With The Pouch Don't Stop
Don't Stop, 'Til You Eat Enough

- the Real King of Pop... Popeyes.

BURP!

2767 Clairmont Rd.
Atlanta, GA 30329

(404) 329-0156

Ri Ra Irish Pub

Where am I??? I can't bweathe... Someone open a window... It reeks of rancid Coloncannon in here.

Is it me or did this place go full Ri... Ri... Ri Ra Tard? You studderin' pwicks.

Midtown has a new Buckhead and it's on Mediocrity Street. You got all the Ra Tards here... From wretched candy sushi to odious Celtic cuisine. Thanks, corporate suits, you did it again! Left another street covered in your shitstained tightie whities... Mostly, in Polo knits and triple pleated khakis. I really don't get the Buckhead army... Do these people have mirrors or do they actually think they look stylish? Imagine if all the girls wore the same outfits in the same venue! It would NOT be pretty... Shit, most of those skanks in here were far from it but they were in the right place. I took pictures but I am too ashamed to even post them because they were so pathetic. It was like someone left the barn door opened.

Speaking of pathetic... This place oozes of it. From the Lincoln Logs decor to the Mickey Mouse menu. This joint is more commercialized than U2. Putting crappy pieces of refurbished wood inside a brand spanking new office building doesn't exactly give it history or that 100 yr old feeling or smell. Shit, the only smells here were dirty Gaps in Obsession perfume and Tapouts bathing in Drakkar Noir.

The menu is a diarrhetic mess... McDonald's is more Irish. When was Penne or a Reuben Irish dishes? But they do have Hummus which we all know is a beloved traditional Celtic staple. I really do appreciate how they have a small section with "American Bar Food"... What a relief because Irish food is just way too ethnic for some.

Shepherds Pie - For $12, you get a cup of Dinty Moore beef stew and Idahoan instant mash taters... And it comes with 2 measly pieces of hand-ripped bread that looked like the porter wiped his ass with. This pie was so runny and off tasting... Shit, I coulda got 3 KFC Mash Potato Bowls for the price of this Hair Pie.

Drinks - Stick with the beers because their mixologists seemed like they just came out of cosmetology school. My 2 cocktails tasted like Aqua Net and Just for Men.

Service - The bartenders, managers and servers seemed like they were in a pinball machine... Going back and forth and bouncing off the walls like chickens with their heads cut off. Totally clueless and full effect in the weeds. Fucking corporate... But I must thank our server for doing the best she could. She was a cute FOB and all she wanted was to live the American dweam.

All I wanted was some authentic shepherds pie, all I got was a box of Lucky Charms... I want me gold back, you fucking Leprechauns... Don't make me take off my shoe!

Got Blight?

sPud.

1080 Peachtree St. NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 477-1700

rira.com

Mambo Italiano

Ugh... I feel like my pouch is about to implode. Once again, I got Jedi mind fucked into eating this ex-lax.

Intern's last day = intern's choice... Fucking 20 yr old interns, not exactly the culinary geniuses of our time unless you consider sprinkling Mrs. Dash Original Blend in a Cup O'Noodles or a sack of shredded Kroger Mexican cheez into a box of mac-n-cheez to give it that custom 4 cheez blend. You shoulda seen the shit eating grin on his face when he chose this poopshoot. It was like he hit the jackpot.... Shit, I know I will be hitting the pot later under the alias "Jack".

God damn it, why the fuck did I order Fettuccine Carbonara? Like anyone would believe this would be authentic from a shanty in Norcross. But I bought it... Hook, line and stinker. They are prolly laughing their asses off right now. Panchetta was like gummi bacon, that shit stretched and stretched without tearing apart. It reminded me of Stretch Armstrong. Green peas looked fresh... Right out of Linda Blair's mouth. Tomatoes in a cream sauce... Yeah, Peter North's special cream sauce. That jizz was so thick that it sweated oil and grease from it's crevasses.

Margherita 'Za, another one of life's mysteries... I'm mystified how fucking revolting this thing was. The crust was blanco... With a nice dusting of raw flour. Char? The only char will be in my pants in the form of a skidmark. Just because it's flat and round doesn't mean it's a pizza... It could be Earth. Jesus, I want to jump off the edge of the world right about now.

My iron stomach is acting like a Kroger plastic bag with holes on the bottom the size of my uncle's ulcers. Shit, speaking of plastic bags... I rather poo into one in the corner of the parking lot instead of using that spooge infested office facilities. I have seen the carnage done in there and it ain't purdy. It's like dueling banjos, except they're not playing music. Well, some would suggest it's a form of music. But I would never subject my virgin ears to that filth.

Dismal, absolutely dismal as the day is long.

Splat.

5165 Peachtree Pkwy
Ste 210
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 441-3200

www.mamboitaliano.net

Sensational Wings Too

Papa Buddha gave me some advice once when I was a young pouch... "Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it."

This DoodieBuddha had a righteous hangover and I needed a cure... A little voice said "Wings are the things". So sometimes, you just gotta go back to your roots in da hood to ease the pain... It was never easy for me. I didn't invent the Opti Grab. I was born a poor pouchless child. That was, until I found this low rent shack with Buffalo wings that could be the cure to my disease...

This trailer looked like it had a flat in '97 and abandoned ever since on the side of the road in the slums of the Westside. This latrine stand was hand painted, hand crafted, and hecho a mano... Basically, a real Section 8 hand job. But dang, the aroma of deep fried shit made me do the jig, bro... I shit you not.

So, I axed my brotha from anotha mutha what's the dealio, yo? Is them Hot sauce mad hot or not? He sez, "They hot like what hot be...". Aight, give me yo hottest... Make it Sucide Hot, biznatch!

10 wingz for $5.39 and your choice of fwies or celery and dressing. I got the seasoned fwies. What a fucking deal, dude. I was in the promise land! 12 minzies later, I hear... "Git yo 10 wingzzz...". Fuck yeah. Opened up that shiznit and it looked like pure gold. Marcellus Wallace ain't got nothin' on this... That's because he looks like a bitch. The vapors from the sauce was melting my eyes like the Ark. The sauce was so thick, I coulda spackle with it. It was like Satan squatted and shat in my box.

The first 2 wingz went down nice, the 3rd-5th wingz I felt like Puff the Magic Dragon... But I wasn't angry, though. I whipped out my lip balm and proceeded to do circles on my lips like fucking Mario Andretti on coke... My facial labia was raw. I have never popped a cherry on my face but if I did, this would be it. The numbness hit the peak and the rest of the wingz went down like a $2 whore... Easy.

Best Buffalo wingz? Nah, but I can say it's up there with Jamal's. Good shit, cheap... That's why they have been here since '97. The also have chicken, fish and bunch of other shit to nibble on... And of course, everything is fwied. Jones' Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage would be proud.

I finally know the difference between... Shit and Shinola.

I can hear Papa Buddha say, "Son, you're going to be all right."

...And I was. The world is right again... Except my bowels.

Splash.

2251 Marietta Boulevard NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
(404) 355-9582

DBA Barbecue

Another one of life's disappointments. Seems like I have been getting a lot of them lately... Basically, for the last 40 years of my measly life.

I'm not quite sure if this was Bar-be-cue... It was more like Elec-tro-cute. I'm sorry, an Electric Smoker just ain't gonna cut it. Especially, with Fox Bros down yonder with real smokers. The flavor just isn't there without the smoke. It's kinda like touching the tip of your tongue on a 9 Volt battery... Thanks, but don't taze me, bro! Drowning the slop in liquid smoke ain't gonna help either.

I really hoped this would be a contender with the few real bbq joints but it barely competes with Shane's. I think I hear Sonny's laughing...

Fried Oyster Po'boy (half) - What in God's name is this thing? A sandwich for ants? 3 pathetic tiny oysters. Shit, they were just shriveled up little raisins. Put a fucking diaper around those baby buns and sacks... I'm not a pedophile but this Po'baby wasn't even worth putting in my mouth.

3 Meat Combo - Brisket, pulled 'prok' and baby back ribs... Brisket seemed like it was poached, zero smoke ring, dry rub and bark, pretty much flavorless. Pulled 'prok' was dry, stringy and mushy in some areas, again no flavor. Baby back ribs were "pre-cut" to give it that "fall off the bone" characteristic... Shit, that thing was off the bone before it even came out of the vacuum pack. Everything seemed like it was poached first. It looked like a wrinkly old woman. I had better BBQ from a George Foreman grill.

BBQ Sauces - Spicy and Sweet. Might as well be from Panda Express... It was so watery, those squeeze bottles can double for squirt guns. And it did, all over my fucking white shirt. I'm not a fat slob, I swear.

Brunswick Stew - It was more like Brunswick Swamp... A cup of watery tomato juice filled with 'prok', raw cubed taters, a sprinkle of corn and beans, no okra or chicken. The only thing Stew about this was the guy's name who scooped it into the cup.

Creamed Corn - My "ears" hurt from hearing about how great this was... But the only thing I wanted to do with this was cover my ears with them. Grilled corn kernels mixed with mayo and dried spices... No cream, no nothing. Shit, I'll even take cream cheese! Ah, what's with the lime? This shit ain't a cocktail. Thank God I haven't seen any of it coming out on the other end yet... Yet.

Mac-n-Cheese - Prolly the best thing I had in my mouth all night... Well, that's another story. Plain old elbow mac and Velveeta. A little crispy on top and creamy inside. Not bad but nothing Sandra Lee, a box of mac n cheez and little semi homemade can't accomplish.

Sweet tea & Lemonade cocktail was not bad but so God damn sweet it twicks you into thinking it's just lemonade, I sucked that shit down in 10 seconds flat. Drip.

Mint Julep tasted like monkey urine, not that I know what ape piss juice tastes like but if it did, this would be it. Squirt.

The most annoying thing of sitting outside is the mass abundance of flies. I'm not talking about measly house flies, these fuckers were the size of Bald Eagles... Using a tennis racket would be an understatement.

Come to think of it, I have a better idea for that electric smoker... Put it on the patio and use it as a bug zapper. Obviously, it's not working out for the BBQ.

The future of DBA's BBQ is TBD...

Poof! ...where da smoke at?

Zap.

1190 N Highland Ave NE
Ste B
Atlanta, GA 30306
(404) 249-5000

www.dbabarbecue.com

Cellar 13 Wine Merchant

Doing a wine tasting at 3pm in the afternoon is not good... Not good at all. Ah, fuck it... 12 bots later and I'm flowing like the Thames. Thank God, they have a nice toilette because my teeth were floating. I like the individual hand towels in there, a nice personal touch... Class, all the way, all the time... Even, if I'm all crass.

Cellar 13 has a nice unique selection from all over and John Passman can point you in the right direction, even if you're fucking blasted out of your mind from sucking down a mixture of delicious whites and reds for last 3 hours. What a sweetheart... Sold!

I almost stumbled over to Johnny's Hideaway prowling for some Grey Prey... It was like an auto-response but my friend, punched me in the face instead. Phew, that was a close one! What a pal!

It was the start of a beautiful friendship but I ended up losing my shoes... Along with my dignity.

Next time, I'll take my wine...

TO GO.

Squirt.

3765 Roswell Road
Atlanta, GA 30342
(404) 816-4071

www.cellar13.com

Presto Cevicheria and Mucho Mas

There ain't no magic in making tasty chow... Keep it simple and fresh and let the ingredients do the translating.

Met up with a couple fwends here... They basically ordered everything on the menu and your mother. Dishes came out lightening fast, it was like running across the border.

Chicken soup, Cuban sammie, fried pork cutlet, plantains, steak, chorizo, chicharrones, huevos, avocado, beans etc... It was like speed eating. Eater X in da house! Everything was pretty damn tasty and inexpensive.

Passionfruit aqua fresca was friggin delish... I suck that fucker down in like 3 gulps. I was so hungover, I woulda sucked anything down. Wait, that didn't come out right... Shit, I did it again. I'll shut up now and just say...

I liked this joint a lot and will be back... Just for the sexy Latina server, alone. I'm sure she's mas loca but that's alright because I'm living la vida loca, tambien.

Muy caliente.

1392-B Roswell Rd
Marietta, GA 30062

(770) 973-2196

www.prestorestaurant.com

Prickly Pear Taqueria

Ay caramba! Mambo Italiano in a sombrero...

Oy, Dios mio... That's all we need is another "franchise", I can already taste the mediocrity. But of course, like the idiot I am, I have to get the "scoop on the poop". Plus, I like alcohol and Mexi-joints love their booze almost as much as I do. I'm sooo fucking easy...

Bogarted a space right out front, went in to see what the fuss was about. The whole decor reeks of Juan Valdez and Speedy Gonzalez... It's almost insulting. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, why don't you just slap every Hispanic that walks by on the street... At least they see it coming and can try to fight back, unlike this joint. You just sit there and take it... Dirty Sanchez taco slap after Filthy Felipe taco slap right in my face.

"Authentic flour tortillas" ....fucking oxymoron if I ever heard one. I asked for the corn tortillas but they all mysteriously disappeared. Let me tell you something... These cheap ass tortillas were dried out like Matzo, bland shredded innards and dripping with piss juice. Puta madre, I've had some sloppy pink tacos before but damn Cheech, this was like el Rio Conchos or is it Rio Cochas? I needed "wings" just to eat these Mexi Pads.

Al Pastor - Guajillo rubbed pork shoulder, roasted pineapple, habanero chile salsa, cilantro, red onion, grilled pineapple... The only thing they forgot to put in there was the taco truck itself. Drip.

Camarones - Sauteed gulf shrimp, black bean puree, chili de arbol, spinach... Dat shwimp looked like it took a big dump in that tortilla diaper. Splash.

Brisket - Oven cooked brisket, pickled red onions... More like over cooked shitsket. Flop.

The Texas and Prickly Pear margarita were so friggin sweet, I almost had a seizure... No, I wasn't trying to pop and lock.

You know it's gonna be craptastic when the description is spelled out in English correctly on the menu... Only corporate proofreads. If this is Mexican, then I am too.

We don't need no stinking badges! ...Obviously, you don't need no stinking cook or decent food either.

Mierda.

Pricks.

950 W. Peachtree St NE
Ste 220
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 881-8887

www.pricklypearatlanta.com/

Max's Coal Oven Pizzeria

God damn it... I hate giving Concentrics restos this much credit. Their concepts are so pedestrian and touristy aka hip and trendy. All dressed up and nothing to eat. It's 2009 not 1989, Tubbs and Crockett are fat has-beens for crying out loud. Go back to your roots and stop covering your gray strings with highlights and bleach... Start making edible food again.

But I have to give credit where credit is due... To their lowest and modest form. A fucking pizzeria. And my first impression was a surprise. Who woulda thunk it? I know what y'all are thinking... Didn't they do this before with Piebar? Yes, they did... But Piebar took a big Cleveland Steamer on themselves because they tried to be Oh So Cool and Look At Me sorta shit. Hey, dickweed, it's fucking 'ZA... Don't put foie gras, lavender, quail eggs, frog legs, ribs, lamb shank, pizzle or any other ritzy shit on it like that tool, Wolfgang Puck does. What da fuck do Austrians know about pizza anyways? This place looks like a pizzeria at least.

Anyhoo, back on topic... No problem getting seated (mebbe bc it was empty?) but getting serviced afterwards... Let's just say I can get serviced faster on Boulevard. I even did a song and dance to wave down someone. There were a handful of staff just running around pretending to be "busy". Server, pleaze... You can't fool me, you're clueless and scared like a little baby, I can smell it on your sweaty belly roll. Just take my friggin drink order, at least I can booze while I laugh at you monkeys. But I give props to my server, he was a pretty cool dude.

Margherita 'Za - Great char from the coal oven, dough a little crispier than I would have liked but totally passable. Sauce was scarce and kinda lost within the layer of cheese. Cheese was a mixture of shredded and fresh sliced mozzarella. But in the end it basically all melted together. Their reasoning was that the middle got too soggy if they have just used sliced mozza. Well, at least JV can't say it tastes like cardboard. It folded nice and the right amount of grease drip. The only thing that kinda bothered me, was the chunks of Roma tomatoes that weighed the slices down and made them kinda floppy. I don't like floppy pies, like chicks don't like floppy dicks. But overall, the 'ZA has promise, a lot of promise... And this was only their 4th day of opening.

Coal Oven Lemon Pepper Parmesan Wings - Git your filthy hands off my wingz, bitch! Seriously, even though there's only one fucking flavor (have you ever heard of such nonsense?), that shit is pretty damn tasty... Best wings I have ever had? No, but that shit is G O O D. Wings are medium to small, crispy and moist and flavorful without it being too salty from that pre-mixed lemon pepper crap, but they tone it down with parmesan, garlic and herbs. I called it the semi-homemade Sandra Lee special mix... Speaking of special mix, I got some for that skanky Cougar. Grrrrrr.

The rest of the menu looks decent and next time it will be the calzone and a hoagie. Ok, mebbe the wings and a different pie also. Be forewarned, that shit ain't cheap... $11 for wings and $18 for a 14" pie. But it's worth it... That coal oven kicks ass and makes you rock out with your cock out. They also validate your parking. The only really cheesy shit is their shirts saying something like "We're right next door to STATS"... Ah, really? I wouldn't be associating myself with that shit stain. Do you want business or not? Change the shirts, pal.

3.5 Stars

Burp.

300 Marietta St NW
Atlanta, GA 30313
(404) 974-2941

maxsatl.com

Hong Kong Harbour

Pal: I lost my shoes...

Me: I lost my dignity...

One good thing about this shit hole... Is that they will always be there no matter how fucked up you are after a night of boozing and debauchery or even if you look like you just came from Fight Club.

As with tradition, I stumble in Saturday mornooning after a redunkulus night with my pal (punching each other like retards as we walk in)... Take a booth, bitch. Wait. And wait some more for these friggin antiquated steel carts with floppy wheels to pass by with their steamy mess. I've seen nicer carts at a Piggly Wiggly. But no matter, it gets the job done.

I scan the room and it's filled to the brim with some of the ugliest white people I have seen since Deliverance. Not like I'm one to talk... It's like Phantom of the Slopera and Freddy Kruger had a baby, then Jason Voorhees chopped it up into pieces and Leatherface ate it and shat me out of his cornhole. But even these creatures put me to shame and I almost gagged when I heard from behind me... "What's dim sum?" and "Where are the forks?". I look over and Jeff Spicoli is gnawing on this potsticker with his mouth wide open like Bossy at Farmer Jed's field. Lord have mercy... White people.

WTF happened here? The only Asians in there were the staff... And yours truly. The same staff that has been there since the Ming Dynasty. These terra cotta servers still look the same after 1000 God damn years... Fuck yeah! I love this shanty.

You will find your standard fare here... Still. A small selection of dim sum classics that neither wows or meows. But it's totally acceptable for what it is. They do have duck, clams and few other interesting things that you won't find at a run of the mall Chino resto. The menu do and still have some "authentic" classic dishes. You just need to know how to order. All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

No shirts, no shoes... No dim sum!

Burp.

2184 Cheshire Brg Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 325-7346

Taverna Fiorentina

We didn't land on Taverna Fiorentina, Taverna Fiorentina landed on us."

"I must emphasize at the out start that the Honorable Gastro Gnome is not a P.C. Yelper. So, I'm not here this afternoon as a Republican, nor as a Democrat; not as a Mason, nor as an Elk; not as a Protestant, nor a Catholic; not as a Christian, nor a Jew; not as a Baptist, nor a Methodist; in fact, not even as a Fraudie Buddha, because if I was a Fraudie Buddha, the problem that confronts our Stomach today wouldn't even exist.

So I have to stand here today as what I was when I was born: A Hungry man.

Before there was any such thing as a Citysearch or a Yelp, we were Hungry.

Before there was any such thing as a Liquid Nitrogen or a Foam, we were Hungry.

Before there was any such thing as a Blog or a Twitter, we were Hungry people!

In fact, before there was any such place as Taverna Fiorentina, we were Hungry!

And after Taverna Fiorentina has long passed from the scene, there will still be Hungry people.

I'm gonna tell you like it really is. Every negative review, these friends of Yelp are sent up here to pacify us! They're sent here and setup here by the Sponsors!

This is what they do!

They send Antipasto from Publix down here to pacify us!

They send Kroger Brie down here to pacify us!

They send Inedible Insalata Mista down here to pacify us!

Why, you can't even get Hot Bread in Here without the Owner's permission!

You can't get Real Pappardelle in Here without the Owner's permission!

You can't get Al Dente Risotto in Here without the Owner's permission!

Every time you break the seal on that Chocolate Mousse Mix, that's a Jell-O Pudding seal you're breaking!

Oh, I say and I say it again, ya been had!

Ya been took!

Ya been hoodwinked!

Bamboozled!

Led astray!

Run amok!

This is what he serves..." - Gastro X

I got hornswoggled and flim-flammed. This was truly one of the worst meal I have ever eaten, let alone put in my mouth. Pictures say a thousand words. When 3/4 of my entire meal is left uneaten, wouldn't that be a sign? I wouldn't serve this gruel to an orphanage... You won't see Oliver Twist asking for seconds or even firsts. Hell, I would request for a transfer to another orphanage.

$45 and 3 hours of my life I will never get back... Keep the change, you filthy animal.

ZERO STARS.

3324 Cobb Parkway
Atlanta, GA 30339

(770) 272-9825

www.tavernafiorentina.com

Grouchy's Deli

You know why no one else has reviewed this joint? That's because it's in Lower Chattanooga... Where am I? I can't bweathe. The options are few as the day is long.

I would be grouchy too if I had to eat this shit day in and day out. Okay, it's ain't that bad, just a run of the mill sammie shop that's trying to be a NYC deli. FAIL. I know everyone pretends to be from NYC but that red neck and mullet ain't fooling anyone around here. The only thing that is authentic are the Mexicans making your sandwiches.

Just be original and stop calling your sammies after the 5 boroughs... How about the Mossback, Inbreed, Trash, Trailer Park, Larry, Camaro Cut, Rebel, Wife Beater, Hillbilly, Nascar, Molester, Walmart, Yokel, Hick, Incest, Banjo, Toothless or the Cousin? Those names for a sandwich would be so kickass! Hellz yeah!

The salads and bread selections are decent and fresh, the bagels are meh... But don't be so God damn chincy with the meat! If you went full Carnegie, I would sooo give you 3 stars. Drape on the meat on my buns, I say!

Until then.... 2.55 stars.

Munch.

5275 Peachtree Pkwy
Norcross, GA 30092

(678) 879-0707

RA Sushi Bar Restaurant

Ha ha, you got me Michael Kelso. Fine, I just got Punk'd, where the fuck are you hiding at, you trucker hat wearing mofo? Isn't one Geisha House enough already? This joint is about 5 years too little, too late...

"It's a high-energy, music-driven sushi concept..." WTF does that mean? Who is this... P. Diddy or Jermaine Dupri? If you have to have a theme to cover up the purity of the sushi, there's problem number one. We all know Ru San's is the badass rock-n-roll/ techno Candy Sushi concept, fine, but no one is kidding themselves either about the food. It's cheap, plentiful, barely edible and Mexican, perfect for the poor young college kids. But if you're charging prices upwards of triple digits for a dinner for two, you better bring it. So, after letting all the positive soft opening reviews digest, it was time to see how they manned up to paying customers.

Sweet Appleseed, if I never see another God damn cream cheese roll in my life it would be too soon. Rolls are not sushi. Cream cheese is not Japanese, hell, it's not even real cheese. Limburger laughs at it. I knew what I was getting into but shit, I was getting a migraine reading roll after roll stuffed with this crap and covered in sweet sauces. It was more mind altering than the weed I smoked laced with angel dust last week.

Started with the Okinawa Iced Tea... It was like reenacting the battle for Okinawa. It was a bloody battle to find the booze of mass destruction in there. It was sobering.

Crispy Soft Shell Crab - Stoked to see 2 crabs on the menu but when it came out, I felt like I got smoked. Just covered all to hell in panko breading and over fried... Like bad chicken fingers. The middle was pure mush and smelled like taint. The ponzu garlic sauce didn't do much to enhance it, mebbe some MSG would help. The Asian slaw was nothing more than chopped up cabbage doused in some watery concoction from the swamps of Dagobah.

Spicy Octopus and Cucumber Salad - I don't even know where to begin with this thing. It looked like the Soft Shell Crab spewed all over it. Everything was cut into brunoise size. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack for that octopus. The taste is indescribable... part sriracha and part salt water. It was so 80's nouveau... And it shoulda stayed there.

Sashimi Assortment - Tuna, salmon, yellowtail, whitefish and octopus. The quality vs. price point was about right... At a dollar a piece. It was passable but not memorable, mostly because it was totally flavorless which might be a good thing since it didn't smell like the Clermont Lounge. The whitefish shoulda been called hackfish... That thing was so hacked up it fell apart into pieces trying to pick it up. The gari (pickled ginger) was inedible, how do you screw this up from a jar? The Shiso leaves were the only things that impressed me. I wrapped the sashimi in it a la Korean bbq style.

Uni - This was the only thing that saved the night. The two muted yellow double stack of creamy gonads were tasty... Which also represents the two yellow stars above.

Mango Lobster Roll - I had to do it. Just to reconfirm why rolls are not sushi and just a bad joke. "Lobster mix"? It was bland tasteless imitation lobster! Canned mango slices and the kiwi-wasabi sauce was just way too sweet... It's only purpose was to mask the entire thing in HFCS (high fructose corn syrup). Any one got a Coke to wash it down? Wait a minute, WTF is kiwi-wasabi sauce anyways?

On the bright side, at least the sushi chefs were Asians, what kinda flavas they were... Who knows. But definitely not Japanese, they woulda committed Seppuku long ago. As long as I don't hear them speak Spanish, it's all cool with me.

The server was wet with sake behind both ears and eyeballs. Although, she was very sweet, she went full retard after taking the order. Discombobulated with cooked items vs. raw items. Just wasn't well versed with the menu.

The space is nice, I like the dark woods and the sake barrels hanging from the ceiling, kinda reminds of Spice Market with the wood cages, bells and rope... Don't know why, though, mebbe to hang myself afterwards from that deafening music.

Ru San's in Seven jeans.

2 Stars. 1 each for the Uni.

Thanks Benihana... You did it again!

Pooped.

1080 Peachtree Street, Suite 8
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 267-0114

www.rasushi.com

Yoreka

This heat wave can be summed up in two words: Swamp Ass.

All Atlanta needs is another fro-yo shop like I need a hole in my head. But since I was about to melt riding on my chop, I needed something to cool down my innards. The Prado has turned into franchise city... What a pisser. Frankie's is kaput but Joli Kobe and 5 Seasons is still alive, thank Buddha.

The two young chippies working this joint seems to be a byproduct of the product served... A little tart. Mebbe it's from the growth hormone-free milk they are using but that ain't stopping my pouch from growing any larger. Their ability to serve no more than one customer at a time is uncanny. Well, I guess you have to be patient with a ra-tart.

Speaking of tart... The soft serve fro-yo came in 4 flavas- original, blueberry, mango and pomegranate. Sampled all of them. The pomegranate had a weird finish to it... Kinda like doing a shot of pickle juice vodka. Mango and blueberry were the best of the bunch. The toppings are your standard sprinkles of crap. Kiwi, mango and blackberry were selected. If they had ice cubes as a topping that day, it woulda tasted like liquid gold in that 95 degree heat.

I'm filing this joint under... Been there, done that.

2.5 Stars.

Next.

5590 Roswell Road NE
Suite 130
Atlanta, GA 30342

(404) 459-9123

www.yoreka.com/About.aspx

Ted's Montana Grill

Arrrrr! These friggin' hillbillies up here are driving me nuts. Do they seriously think this is good grub or are they just settling because the food scene in upstate GA is so appalling?

Masses of Gwinnett cattle herd up to dine at this trough of mediocrity on a daily basis. The food has become so messy in all fashion... Execution, presentation and taste. Seems like everything is wet, oh excuse me, "juicy"... But in reality it's just plain slop. I guess I can't blame the limited staff vs. the plethora of pigs that chow down here. They just can't handle the volume.

Brick Chicken Plate - That yardbird was as flat as the plate. I don't know if that meant they put a brick on top of it while cooking or that pigeon sits in your stomach like a brick. That creature was tasteless. Their fries are usually flaccid and old... Kinda like the patrons. So, I subbed it out for green beans which were ok. The broccoli sits in this fluid they call butter. The entire dish is obscenely bland and flavorless, coulda been tofurkey for all we know. After an hour or so, you will prolly evacuate a brick.

Yak Burger (Bison) - Yeah yeah... It's leaner, gweat, but the hog at the next table inhaling that thing ain't. This thing was drenched in grease, the bun turned into mush and the lard soaked fwies into smashed taters. Where am I... Dyer's with their fried burger? It's guaranteed what will happen to you in an hour or less... You'll be playing the toilet banjo.

Cedar Plank Salmon - I think this salmon went full retard and swam downstream... In the Hooch with the sewage. Isn't salmon pink? The only thing pink was the waitress' socks. No hint of cedar, the only thing that was smokey was the short order cook that caught his side towel on fire. Thanks, Robert Downsyndrome Jr., for the chum.

Chili - Still haven't found a chili that has... Well, chili. I spend like 2 minzies pumping away with that hot sauce bottle just to make it taste like something edible. Squirt.

Mebbe it's just the lunch time rush hour crowd that kills the kitchen on food quality. But after a few tries, I don't think it will get any better... You can't teach an old cook new tricks.

Ol' Roy.

5165 Peachtree Pkwy
Suite 205
Norcross, GA 30092

(678) 405-0305

www.tedsmontanagrill.com