Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Tomo Japanese Restaurant

Domo arigato, Mr. Naito
Tomo, Tomo
Domo arigato, Mr. Naito,
Tomo, Tomo

You're wondering who I am
Marsupial or manpouch
With fish sent from Japan
I am the hungry man
Secret, secret, I gotta secret...

I've got a secret I've been hiding under crispy salmon skin
My pouch is hungry, my belly is busting, my bowel I.B.S.
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed sushi, and somewhere to nosh
To keep me alive- just keep it coming
Somewhere to nosh to keep me alive

I'm not a Buddha without credentials- I'm not what you see
I've come to Yelp with my review, so we can be fed
I'm not a critic, I'm not from Saveur, forget what you know
I'm just a man whose circumference went beyond his control
Beyond my control- we all need control
I need portion control- we all need portion control

But I don't...

Gateau De Tai Et Ankimo - Seared Japanese snapper, monkfish liver terrine, ponzu jelly on shiso. It was a party in my mouth, too bad you weren't invited. Munch.

Tomo Urchin - Uni wrapped in shiso, seaweed and tempura fried with Tomo salsa. Amazing flavor and texture. Crunch.

Pork Belly Kakuni - Super tender cubes of belly In dashi sauce that went straight into mine. Get in mah belly! Slurp.

Omakase - Sashimi only: Shima-Aji, chu toro, live scallop, mackerel, kinmedai. This school of fish couldn't be any better. OMaGoshie.

Domo arigato, Mr. Naito,
Tomo, Tomo
Thank you very much, Mr. Naito
For doing the job that nobody can do
I want to thank you!

I'm Overjoy! Overjoy! Overjoy!

BURP!

3256 Cobb Parkway
Atlanta, GA 30339
(770) 690-0555

Livingston Restaurant + Bar

One word: Swank

In a city full of new hotels and restaurants that look like they came from a "build by number" cookie cutter book... It was about time Atlanta has gone retro. This joint is solid... Built on stone unlike all the other "fancy" hotels that are made up of particle boards and tumbleweeds. You can huff and puff all you want because this shit ain't coming down, Bubba.

The bar on the other side of the dinner room is glam. Great drinks, service is refined and a nice little bar menu to nibble from. Screw roof top bars, they are so 15 minutes ago... None of them ever works out. Give me a bar stool that I can stagger to from my dining chair within 10 feet and I'm all set.

The modern American menu is simple and spot on... And Gary Mennie executes it flawlessly. You don't need caviar, raw fish or liquid nitrogen to make a dish sound fancy. Just give me a piece of man meat that is cooked properly and I'm happier than a pig in shit. As you can see with this impressive list...

Crispy duck croquettes - blackberries, cilantro, sweet potatoes. This ain't no suffering succotash.

Softshell crab - ramps, tarragon, citrus dressing. This is one crab I don't have to make a run to CVS afterwards.

Spring pea soup - marcona almonds, mint, tangerine oil. Is this velvet? Velvety smooth and Velvet Jones approves.

Jerusalem artichoke soup - green apple, curry essence, crispy shallots. It's gotta be Velvet! I'm so Jonesing this soup.

Woodlands gardens chopped salad - shaved parmesan, frisee, walnut oil vinaigrette. I would go to the woods of OTP for this ruffage.

Georgia white shrimp - fava bean puree, ham hocks, pickled vidalia onions. One tail I love to chase... Down my throat.

Veal porterhouse - cauliflower gratin, vidalia onion marmalade. Porter, bring me a wheelchair.

Hanger steak & short rib duet - crystal farms rapini, crispy gnocchi, beet juice. Screw listening to Frank Sinatra and Stevie Wonder, I rather eat this duet.

Louisiana rabbit - speck ham, garlic chips, golden potato puree. Now I know why Elmer Fudd has been hunting Bugs all these years... You delicious wascally wabbit!

Atlantic halibut - red onion marmalade, sunchokes, brussel sprouts. I like Hali-Butts and I can not lie. You other flatfish can't deny.

Coconut financier - this is one investment you won't loose your shirt over... Well, mebbe you will have to loosen your shirt after this behemoth of a meal.

The Georgian Terrace is back. Kicking ass and taking names... Oh, and while you're at it put me down for a 4 top next week. This place is awesome and classy... Even for a guy like me with no class and all crass.

BURP!

659 Peachtree St. NE
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 897-5000
http://www.livingstonatlanta.com/restaurant.php

Zoe's Kitchen

ZOWEY! Holy Varsity F.O., Batman!

"The color orange symbolizes balance, warmth, enthusiasm, vibrance, flamboyancy, and is demanding of attention." They forgot one... Craptastic. No amount of orange can brainwash you into thinking this is good grub. All these pedestrian cookie cutter concepts are so tiresome. I stood there for a couple of minzies looking at the menu and there was absolutely nothing appealing but I had to try it. This joint that bills itself as "healthy" is incredibly bland and tasteless.

Gweek Chicken Pita - I opened up this pouch and the chicken looked like the inside of a Tauntaun... And I thought it smelled bad on the outside. Lettuce was as fwesh as my socks after a weekend of muddin'. Tomato was as red as the Gimp's gag ball. Caramelized onions were as sweet as wet leather shoelaces. Feta was as fragrant as Limburger cheez. Did they ship this stuff from the Hoth system? Meh.

Potato Salad - While it was in fact a tater, a salad it was not. The least you can do is a reach around and jingle my salad, wasn't asking for a full toss. The bland slaw on the other hand needed more than a toss, try a handshake. Blech.

When I see an "oz" bag, I don't think of a bag of Lay's chips. This crushed up sack of flakes couldn't feed a goldfish. Crunch.

Last but not least, this Pimento thing... It looked like fromunda cheez from a baboon's ass. What a rip. Poop.

Eat Smart. Eat Somewhere else.

I like orange but shit...

Next!

2333 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 233-9637

Dusty's Barbecue Restaurant

Dusty walks warily onto the street,
With the pork pulled way down low
Ain't no sound but the sound of pig feet,
Ice machines ready to go
Are you ready, are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of the doorway the baby back ribs
To the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

How do you think Emory kids going to get along,
Without you, when you're gone

Dusty's bites the dust...

RIP.

1815 Briarcliff Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30329
(404) 320-6264

Wan Lai

I Wan't Lai... The grub at this "Fat Boy Shop" is friggin' G O O D.

Finally, a Cantonese place that serves Cantonese vittles. While, I do love me some hot and numbing Sichuan food, I have to rate this as one of the best Chinese resto in ATL.

Beef Chowfun - Greaseless, no lube jobs here. Melts in your mouth and not in your hand slices of tender beef. Noodles cut to size and doesn't slap your face around when you try to eat it like some meat curtains. Possibly the best version in Atlanta. Friggin' can't stop eating this shit, nom nom nom.

Congee - Delivered piping hot in a cauldron of thick yumminess, filled with chunks of 1000 yr old egg and pork. Serving it in a claypot makes all the difference. Friggin' delish, slurp.

Rice Casserole - Abalone and bone in chicken claypot. Crunchy rice on the inside of the bowl makes the dish. Add the soy sauce concoction and stir to perfection. Friggin' knocking on heaven's, door.

Pea shoots - Ma la style. Not real spicy but the pieces of minced pork completed the dish. Friggin' shoot me, awesome.

Training for the Mustard Belt starts early this year. I swear, I will eat everything on this friggin' menu, even if takes me a week and gain 20 lbs doing it, it's worth it. Stick with the real stuff, leave the Panda Expwess specials on back page where it belongs, on the back page.

You go home now, fat boy! You eat evey ting!

BURP!

4897 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30341
(770) 216-8587

Ryan's Steakhouse

Now, lookie here... I like orange. So what? I know a lot of orange heads on Yelp do as well. God forbid you get in the way of a tugboat and their strawberry soft serve ice cweam (which was orange flava) in this barnyard.

Walking in here is like herding cattle. Go straight (whip!), make a sharp right (whip!), go straight (whip!), pay (cha-ching), then make a sharp left into the general population (yee haw!). The troughs are like a mesmerizing cattle call and under intense UV death rays... As is most of the grub is cooked to death here. Don't stick your limbs under the rays too long or else you'll be branded like a cheap fraternity prank. Bring SPF 1000 on your next annual visit (or upchuck).

Salad trough - 3 words: Cha Cha Chia! Herb garden.

Soup and Taco trough - WTF is that brown thing moving around in that abyss? Yippy Kay Yay Cucharacha!

Swanson's TV Dinner trough - Pasta, pizza, fwied chicken, and some veggies a la can. The pasta looked and moved like tape worms. The pizza looked like the nephew of Pizza the Hutt. But the fwied ghetto pigeon wasn't half bad. It was edible and somewhat moist and crunchy. There were some big ass breasts in there. I'm just wondering how many Mexicans it took to catch these rascally critters in the back alley.

Meat trough - Break out the moo moo's. Leave the overcooked rubbery meat for the masses (you won't believe how many times I heard "you gots well done in there?"...Oy vey). The manager was such a sweet lady, she brought us bloody slabs of meat after meat. But the trick of getting a decent cooked piece of meat was patience and surveillance. Word of advice - do not get between the tugboats and super tankers during feeding time, you will only get crushed and possibly eaten. Watch your fingers as well, they can be mistaken for chicken.

Sugar trough - This is the main reason why we are the fattest nation in the world. It reminded me of Bluto from Animal House going through the cafeteria line and piling on plates after plates of coma and vomit inducing pure cane sugar. That boy is a P-I-G, pig! Yip, yours truly, couldn't help but make a couple rounds for the orange softee spooge. Like I said before... I like orange, I like it aaa lot.

Upon leaving we decided who's place was closer because the need to EVAC was in order. I don't how the Olsen twins do it but I give them mad props. My friend's bathroom was like a manger because I felt like I had given birth from both ends (thank god, no C-section was needed). It had arms and legs. It truly was a miracle.

Thank you, baby Jesus, I'm a believer now. Hallelujah!

Since everything and everyone here is so bloated... So is my 3 star rating.

Purge.
Splash.
Flush.
Repeat.

3371 Buford Highway NE
Atlanta, GA 30329
(404) 321-6107

Saigon Basil

I tell you what... I came in here when it first opened...

I looked at the menu on the wall (bleh),
I looked at the craptastic assortment of slop in the steam trays (meh),
I looked at the creatures eating in here (barf),
I looked back at the door I came through (freedom),
And I walked back out (no flush).

Fast forward many moons ahead and many dwinks after a 2 day binge. I find myself burrowed inside a cave of blankets like a mongoloid fetus craving some beef noodle soup. Hell, if I was gonna drive my septic tank of a pouch to Buford Hizzy but if I didn't get some magical Pho, STAT, I woulda got SIDS. Then it dawn on me that Cliffy mentioned he liked the Pho here. I put on my cleanest moo moo rag and headed for their back door.

Snuck in like a chicken head walking on egg shells... crack crack crack cuckoo cuckoo! Fuck it, give me an order of pho all the way and make that to go mama-san! Parked my towtruck ass on the couch, turned on the boob tube and preceded to slurp down this crap in a bowl of healing goodness to neutralize the toxins. WoW doesn't know the power!

Surprisingly, the broth wasn't half bad, noodles and sliced mystery meat and what-not tasted alright. I stretched out, laid my head on a fluffy pillow and spent the rest of the day in a state of encephalitic flatulation.

Heaven.

Just like Heaven.

Burp!

1870 Piedmont Ave
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 892-8688

Total Wines & More

Total Wines: It buys the bottles on sale. It does this whenever it is told.

Me: Mister... I only pay in cash. Whatever sale prices you're askin' for, I'll pay it.

TW: It puts the bottles in it's basket or else it gets the cart again.

TW: Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the cart!

Me: Okay... okay... okay. Mister, if you show me where the Pinot Noir are, I will - I will charge it, I promise. See, my pouch is a real important organ... I guess you already know that.

TW: Now it places another bottle in the basket.

Me: Please! Please, I wanna go home! I wanna go home please!

TW: It places more bottles in the basket.

Me: I wanna see my puppy! Please I wanna see my...

TW: Put the fucking bottles in the basket!

15 bottles and all the Brooklyn brews later, I ended up ditching the hand basket for a dualie shopping cart. I always pay in cash, so the man can't track my whereabouts, but I had to whip out the plastic instead. This booze brothel is like Lay's tater chips... You just can't eat one. This place is like crack... Don't be surprised if you find me inside a well rubbing Malbec on it's skin.

Good selection, good service and good prices.

My Precious.

124 Perimeter Ctr W
Atlanta, GA 30346
(770) 395-1678

The Nook

After a handful of visits to this nook, there's not much to say except *sigh*". Overall, there's more misses than hits... This joint is strictly for drinking and people watching. While the patio is awesome during nice weather, I can not say so for the vittles. Let's just say no one is clicking away on OpenTable to make rez for dinner here... Oh wait, they're not on OT, wise move.

Smoked Wings - Decent sized wings and one of the better items on the menu. Spicy Coca-Cola bbq sauce had the heat level of Sprite. $10 for foul trimmings? Crooks.

Shrimp & Andouille Toast - Words can not describe this unappetizing presentation of a thing. Andouille sliced paper thin and if you stacked them on top of each other, it would be equivalent to the size of an Alka Seltzer tablet. Shrimp was devoid of all color and taste, hidden under a plethora of onions (I would hide them too). The 2 weird shaped toast was burnt and crumbled apart upon the first bite. This dish is toast.

Caesar Salad - A decent size bowl of ruffage but the dressing was seriously lacking (a hint of anchovies? It was more like a wink. I think those minnows flopped outta the bowl when the cook wasn't looking). $4 extra for grilled chicken that was barely visible. Sum it all up and it's a pretty pathetic chicken salad for $10. Save yourself the $4 and keep the chicken across the road.

Certified Angus Half Pound Burga - Certified or Certifiable? Perhaps the best item on the menu. Wow, imagine that, a burga. The comic relief comes in the form of 2 translucent slices of Gouda that eerily resembles condoms trying to unroll itself over the semi-hard meat. Nice buns.

Totchos - I heard there's a new movie coming out called Totcho Libre... It's about freeing this thing off the menu. Who sat in a think tank to come up with this... A Totchode?
Redneck Chodes - Just a hot brown mess... Whoever eats this, got more than their pork pulled.
Philly Chodes - A Philthy is delicious chopped up meat with gooey melted provolone between a pair of buns. All I got was two chunks of rubbery meat rolling off the A-cup mound of tots desperately dangling to the plate from a cheez string.

Sides of Green bean almondine, mac n cheez, onion rings were passable. I did spy The Nook Club and Roasted Chicken at another table which did looked decent... While the Chix Wrap, Quesadilluh and Medi Platter looked like it came from a kids cooking school.

The service is just a circus but with a smile. Something is rotten in the State of Denmark when the food comes out faster than your bill. I was charged double for a bottle beer which wasn't on the POS system and when the corrected bill came back, I was charged 50 cents less. The worst problem they will face with a packed house is the bathroom issue. One can each for the boys and girls... Why is there always a line for the guys? Could it be the free blowjobs by the Dyson Airblade? Valet for a friggin pub is just off the chain, they need to flush that down the bidet. Cuckoo cuckoo!

I have no doubt this joint will do well in this location across the park. The patio is their best selling point, everything else is just conversation.

1 star for the Airblade, 1 star for the patio, 1 star for the unlimited amount of popped collars and hot broads they can pack in here.

Hey, I did it all for the Nookie.

Squirt.

1144 Piedmont Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 745-9222

Varasano's Pizzeria

After all the flour had settled, dough has proofed and the ovens plugged into the outlets, does it live up to the hype? We all know FLIP didn't but will JV's...

The Neapolitan pizza wars have started years before this joint was even a stain in JV's pants. His website proclaiming Fritti's 'ZA as "Pathetic tasteless cardboard" raise the oven temps in the quest for the best pie in the ATL. Can my pouch handle all this high gluten? Do washed up, old skanks end up at the Clermont to die a noble death? The answer is yes... It's not an easy job but someone's gotta do it.

What better way to see the inner workings than to sit at the pizza bar... Stefano stretching the dough, like my pouch, was a mesmerizing sight, thin as can be and a perfect circle. With a tap of the foot switch, the oven door swings open (those newfangled gadgets!) and in goes the pie.

Timing and temperature is everything to a great Neapolitan pie... The Swedish electric oven was set at 365 Celsius (689 F) which kinda threw me off a bit since it really should be 800 F or higher. The pie came out within 3-4 minutes. But what happened next was just a bunch of Tomfoolery. The pie sat on a cooling rack with two Tornado fans under it. I assume it was used to release the extra steam so it wouldn't be soggy... But by the time I got the pie (a whole 2 feet away), it was barely warm and limp in the middle. Could it be that the server (like a chicken without a head) picked it up and ran a lap around the resto with it before coming back to home plate? Nooooo, can't be!

Classic Margherita- Crust was thin, crispy and lightly charred. The sauce was a bit watery and needed more zing. The cheese disintegrated into the sauce and by then it was barely distinguishable. The basil was scarce. I also missed the smell and taste only a wood burning oven can produce. But not a bad pie overall.

I had tried a bunch of his other 'ZA's at his home before and they tasted a lot better, probably because it was in a controlled environment. Only time will tell if they can consistently control every single pie that comes out. With JV's passion about pizza, I think he will.

Is it better than Fritti's? With Enrico, straight outta Naples, slinging pies from the motherland, it will be a difficult feat. Especially, with their wood burning oven. I'm sure I will be back many times to both places to see who truly is the "Cardboard" King.

3.5 Stars with potential. (Rounded up to 4 for proximity)

Mangia!

2171 Peachtree Rd
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 352-8216

Dim Sum Heaven

The only time you'll find Dim Sum here is when you go to Heaven.

I'm Confucius'd... WTFoo? No dim sum at a resto named Dim Sum Heaven? Cuckoo cuckoo!

This joint is Foo Chow cuisine not even close to Cantonese, in dialect or distance. The Chinese translation of this joint is "Typical Fuzhou Northern Restaurant". The word "typical" is something I don't want to hear from a resto... Panda Expwess is typical.

Tian Noodles- Seafood bits in white noodles. Wet bland style. Nothing more, nothing less.

Stir-Fried Noodles w. Fish & Shredded Meat- Noodles were made with fish paste (interesting) and few strings of meat here and there. Basically, the same thing as the Tian noods.

Slice Conch in Sour Sauce- This thing came out looking like the pan trimmings of a butcher shop, bloody red. The sauce might had been sour once, that was before all the canned veggies diluted it down. Conch or bamboo? Who knows, it was all the same consistency.

Spare Rib w. Wine Sauce- They should call it "Sparse Rib" because there was barely any meat on them bones. I think the cook drank all the Wine, the sauce was your 'typical' brown sauce.

Fish Ball & Foo Chow Meat Ball- Now, this was interesting, a nice little surprise inside but their ballz were not as tender as I would have liked. The broth was decent and facilitated swallowing that load.

Seafood w. Bean Curd Soup- Fuzhou is famous for their soups and if this is any indication... Just shoot me now.

Sauteed Snow Pea Shoots- Alright, finally a dish even Simple Jack can't screw up... Friggin tastee. Period.

Xiao Long Bao- aka Soup Dumps... This is on their so called "Dim Sum" list. Rule: Never bring out soup dumps in a bamboo basket WITHOUT the top cover! Those dumps were tepid and dried out on the top before it got to the table. Though they looked good, the soup had leaked outta most of them.

Pot Stickers- Well, they don't call it that but these pan fwied dumps were barely crispy on the bottom and the filling was barely passable. Just not a lot of flavors going on in here.

No frills is the best term to describe this place... From the decor to the grub. I'm sure there's an audience somewhere for this type of northern Chinese vittles. Hell, there's an audience for CiCi's pizza...

There might be a God in Heaven after all!

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they eat. (Gastro 4:20)

2.5 Stars.

5203 Buford Highway
Atlanta, GA 30340
(770) 451-4290

What the Pho?

OTP? Hellz yeah.
FOB? Yep, Engrish only.
WTP? That's their moniker, don't wear it out.

Fried Pork/Shrimp Eggwolls- Crispy but a tad greasy. Loved the exposed shrimp tail at the end. Verra tastee.

Pho- All the way... Fell a little short on the meat dept. C'mon, offal ain't that expensive. A little more tripe ain't gonna kill ya. The broth was rich and savory. Like most pho joints, the broth is always not hot enough because of all the cold ingredients put into the bowl beforehand.

Bun- D9 platter. Skewers of char-grilled pork, rice paper wrappers and tons of veggie fillers. A ginormous heap of crap on a plate for about $10. Totally can feed a family of 4 (totally FMV), tasty and fun to make a mess at the table... who cares, you don't have to clean up!

Papaya Bubble Tea- As good as any other joints. They all taste the same after a while.

With so many ethnic spots to be had up in this piece, you can't go wrong with WTP.

Is it me or do the colors in here remind you of "The Ques"?
"Good Pho is Essential to the Soul"

Slurp.

2442 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
(770) 814-9396

Romeo's New York Pizza

"O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo's NY Pizza?
Deny thy AP flour and refuse thy filler toppings.
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer use Caputo 00."

While seeking out a secret location for KFC (No, not Col. Sanders but Korean Fwied Chix)... I passed by this relatively new 'ZA joint and had to give it a shot. Besides the two shilly-esque raving reviews, Peter's review is a tad more realistic.

How serious can a place be about NY style 'ZA when their bread and butter is attributed to soccer moms and minivan loads of kids. I ordered a couple cheese slices to go because I couldn't stand the screaming. After talking to Gene Romeo (part of Rocky's Brick Oven) for a couple minzies, he told me I had to eat it there. Fine, give me a couple of mozza sticks to put in my ears. But what interested me was the Grande cheese and All Trumps high gluten flour.

Slices arrived, looked up da skirt, barely charred but crispy, cheese melt- nice, foldability- good, minimal amount of drip- good, sauce- good, not too sweet and overall a GOOD slice. The real test is always a large pie made to order.

While gabbin about other pizzerias w/ Romeo ("I'm coming after you Varasano's!" ...Ooookay), I asked about the Philthy and to my surprise he uses Amoroso Rolls, no Whiz, just provolone. Holy crap, that's definitely on my list.

I couldn't agree more with "Dalton" from the Double Deuce PR agency, if you want decent 'ZA with a house full of banshee spawns... "Romeo's New York Pizza located in Johns Creek, Georgia right next to the movie theatre is the place to go!"

I repeat, it's in Johns Creek, Georgia...

"What's in a name? That which we call a pizza by any other name would taste as sweet... to a bunch of 5 yr olds"

Thanks for the GPS directions pal.

9700 MEDLOCK BRIDGE RD
Johns Creek, GA 30097
(678) 514-1111