Nam Phuong

Bless my pouch, did I just walked into an Applebee's by mistake? Why is the entire place packed with mossback roundeyes... Fuck, how much Hawaiian Mayan Gold did I smoke? That's some diabolical shit. Ok, this place has finally gone full retard... It has been totally gentrified now like Inman Park. What a shame... This is why we can't have nice oriental things. Table after table, they were inhabited by obeast gwailos. Where the fuck are all the FOBs up in this piece? Did they reactivate the internment camps? Wait, the staff is still members of the tribe... At least that's good news in the kitchen. But this act of flash mob is unnerving or was this an act of appropriation... Hmm. This joint has been getting so much coverage in the local rags in the last couple of years that it only takes one outlander to say it's safe to eat to the rest and then the domino effect takes place. When two white college broads feel safe to dine together at night on Buford Hwy, you know the joint has been hijacked. It was almost as bad as Lee's these days. But I wasn't gonna let a few Uggs stop me from getting my pho on. Let's see what kinda of shit this gentrification has done to the grub.

Pan Fried Rice Cubes. This is one of my favorite snacks to stuff my fat face with like a chipmunk storing nuts in it's cheeks. They are still pretty damn good but the do chua was weak as fuck, not pickled at all. But let's just focus on the rice cakes and how fucking radical there are with the fried egg holding it all together.

Bun, BBQ pork and eggrolls. This is such a classic noodle dish... It's great in the summer but it's also an all season noodle bowl. The nuoc cham fish sauce was kinda weak but you're forced to get more to lube the rice noodles until it's seasoned. The grilled pork flaps were moist and tender with a hint of char on the edges to round out the flavor. The eggrolls were kinda weak and underseasoned. But this noodle bowl still makes the cut.

Salt & Pepper Mixed Seafood. I usually order the fucking radical fish sauce glazed wings but I needed to break away from that habit and try something else... They have the standard S&P shrimp or squid options, but I went for the gold, the mixed fried seafood platter. It's a pretty damn large portion of squid, mussels, scallops and shrimp but the ratio between them were way off. It was mostly squid... But it was pretty decent anyways. I would just stick with the shrimp or squid next time.

Pho, meatballs, soft tendon, flank. I know I know, why didn't the pouch get the bun bo hue? Sometimes, I like the option to pick your own fixings... Sometimes, I crave tripe and sometimes I have to have a tendon injection... And today is the day for an injection of balls, manmeat and soft swallowable tendon right into my facegash. While it smelled great, the broth itself was a bit weak tasting. Not flavorful enough nor complex enough with the richness of a proper pho broth that satisfies the soul with the first sip. Time to dress it up with all the accoutrements and a healthy dousing of sriracha, fish sauce and a squirt of hoisin. And of course, it made all the difference and it did it's job of completing the pouch on this chilly night.

Don't let the caucasian circus distract you from your destiny these days... The word is out that it's a safe space for the crackers and they're coming here in droves. The grub is still pretty good overall but when you get a miss on one of the dishes it's ok to get angry and vent... That's exactly what a FOB dining solo did, he noticed the shit dish they tried to dump on him immediately and had the server return that fucker to be made properly. But the dudebros at another table didn't make a fuss with an under-portioned plate of plain fwied wice, they were just happy they were in a safe space and had something on the menu they recognized. The bros love fried rice and the pouch would love to smack them over the head with a pair of Uggs and send them on their way to Follies. Boy howdy, y'all..  

4051 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30345

K BBQ Factory

How many more Corean BBQ joints can K-Town handle? Is there enough ex-pats in upstate Georgia to sustain all these meat-centric joints? I don't know about those FOBs but the pouch is always excited when there's a plethora of manmeat options to be had... Seriously, how many times can a dudebro go to the same strip club in a week? It's like eating out the same old cut of $7.99 meat flap every night at Tattletales... Even a teenager at Grady High won't smell my fingers anymore. Marsupials need variety and this pouch is always up to the task to sample new BBQ joints for my one fan.
Duluth is no stranger to the Korean BBQ game, neither are the owners here at K BBQ... They also run 678 and 770. So, why didn't they name this new spot 404? Who knows and who gives a fuck, they can name it Fromunda BBQ for all I care just as long as it's quality. They are located in the Jusgo Supermarket parking lot... Yeah, they built the resto in the middle of a parking lot, so what? Zaxby's just built a store front in the Lowe's parking lot in Chamblee. At least we know there will be parking. The space is modern and simple but the grills are gas vs. charcoal or infrared. The tables are big but some of the seating is pretty tight... My muffintop was getting upset with the lack of bloating room. But that all changed after they wheeled over a platter of Mt. Meatmore. Piled high with a huge assortment of manmeat and sea critters on a flying saucer sled about to slide right into my facehole. Let's take a closer look at this specimen...

The ultimate combination of pork, chicken, beef and seafood for $130... Oh, yes, come to papa, motherfucker. They say it feeds 4 people but it was large enough for 6 normal size humans or 8 dwarfs... Hey, those little fuckers can eat. Don't fall for their Jedi mind tricks to order more items... Just start with this ultimate combo first. You oinkers can always order more if it ain't enough slop for your snout. Look at this spread... It's glorious. At some other Korean BBQ joints, their meat presentations look as if it was dragged behind a horse... The horse would prolly taste better. They are really gung-ho about cooking the meat for you. If you pick up the tongs and scissors, they run over and give you the 1000 yard stare until you relinquish the hardware. Then they smiled and pretended nothing happened, sarcastic mutts. Don't fucking cross the little girl cooking your meat, she will cut you and then twerk her tight ass as she walks away. I was worried about food falling through the large holes in the grill but it held everything above the gas flame well. And all the meats were seasoned and marinated nicely. I wished they would give you more seafood in the ultimate combo but they were pretty tasty as well. It's good quality and worth the price of admission if you split it with a group.

Cheesy Corn. It's like the Cheddar Bay biscuits of Korean BBQ joints these days... But as cheesy as it sounds, it's also addictive as fuck. Who knew cheap shredded cheddar cheese from a bag and canned corn kernels could taste so good...

The banchan is not extensive but they are freshly prepared and tasty. The steamed egg and japchae were the best party favors of the bunch but the kimchi and mashed potato were not too shabby, either. You can stuff yourself silly like a fat clown with all the accoutrements but the meatshow is what you really come here for. The end of the meal kimchi fried rice was missing the fried egg which was a let down but it was still pretty tasty. Overall, this joint is one of the better choices for quality Korean BBQ if you don't mind driving all the way to upstate Georgia for a taste of girthy manmeat going down your throat over and over again with meat juices running down your chin like a cheap slut.. Or a fat fuck like me.

Burp.

3885 Venture Dr.
Duluth, GA 30096

Red Lobster

Fuck me... And fuck resto gimmicks. I got sucka'd in again by another fucking Darden commercial and this time by their new Red Lobster "Tasting Menu" with an item that I can't resist... A goddamn petite lobster roll. The first thought that went through my tiny brain was how this thick neck got suckered in by Captain D's deplorable lobster rolls a few months ago... All these motherfuckers always make their commercials look so goddamn good, especially, when you have been slamming down whiskey alone in the dark and the lobster roll on the TV is enticing me to go into the light like Carol Anne. This is like a theme with me... I drink and I do stupid things. Sometimes I learn from my mistakes but most of the time I don't. I'm like a brainwashed Pavlovian dog made to do repetitive asinine tricks that has turned me into a fat fuck... Like coming here when I really don't need to because of a lobster roll commercial that triggered something within the pouch to overcome it's inner inhibitions. I haven't been to a Red Lobster in years but I can't let me one fan down, I made a promise to report all that's fit to eat or puke... Besides the lobster roll, their new globally inspired Tasting Menu consists of Yucatan Shrimp, Shrimp Potstickers, Dragon Shrimp, Loaded Seaside Fries, Southwest Style Tacos and Salmon New Orleans... Jesus, I can feel the IBS-D brewing already. This prolly won't end well.
Oh, well, what's another fucking 10 pounds in the dump truck... More cushion for da pushin'. Bring on the 5000 calorie crappy meal. Walked in and all I saw was a barn full of red lobster necks... This is gonna be an excellent adventure.

Cheddar Bay Biscuits. This is what all the oinkers come here for... And this rotund bastard did the same. They are buttery, greasy and addictive like a fat chick to cheesecake. I saw their cheddar bay biscuits mix in a box at Walmart one time and I bought it because I was feeling low rent after drinking a Bud Lime-A-Rita on a triple dog dare. The amount of fucking butter you have to use is preposterous... And this butterball double down on the amount for that extra buttery throat lube action. These things ain't healthy but they taste like eating the golden corn niblets out of Kim Kardashian's can. 

Caesar Salad. No matter which Darden resto you go to, the Caesar salad is all the same... But this one didn't come with a machine bolt like at LongHorn. It was crisp, vibrant, nice shaved slices of parmesan and no slimy brown spots were found. We're off to a good start with a salad that even an entitled millennial can make.

Petite Lobster Roll. It's advertised as "a warm, toasty roll, topped with melted butter... It's everything a lobster roll should be." Or not. The lobster meat bits looked so dry and stringy. The proper top split bun looked buttery and toasted, but why does it curve to the left? That's what she said. This lobster roll took forever to come out, it actually came out last after all the other entrees. I thought they took the only live lobster out of the tank and dispatched it fresh for me... But all I got was this sad sack of bottom feeding slop. No, not from the bottom of the water tank, it seemed more like the bottom of a slim jim. What trash can did they pull this shit out of... There were a couple of nuggets of meat but the rest were just bits from the bottom of the vac bag. The bun was so greasy, I wanted to wring it out like a wet tube sock. It tasted like one, too. It's a fucking lobster roll, not Al's Italian beef dipped. I wanted to ask them for a pair of gloves to eat this with but there was no love from the staff on that request. Even with all that grease, this lob roll was dry as fuck... It's like eating a handful of wet sand after the wave goes back out. It may look moist but once you start chewing all you hear is crunch crunch... Getting it down was the worst part, it was like deep throating a French tickler with dry rot. How can they fuck this up so badly... Are they keeping the lobster meat warm in the salamander? I think they had it set at 11.

Pub Style Fish & Chips. This is another new globally inspired menu item that they're very proud of showcasing... Oh yeah? Aren't they a little late to the game with the generic fucking English fish & chips served in every bar in the world... Shit, even the best Irish resto in America have been serving their version of fish & chips for decades stateside... I used to inhale 2 or 3 Filet-O-Fish with an extra large fries in one sitting. These fried fish logs were surprisingly decent tasting, had a nice crispy batter and flaky moist white fish inside, even though, they were greasy as fuck... Which turned soggy with in minutes. They even serve it on fake newspaper... It's the little details that make it taste better or you can use it as TP after the grease has taken effect in your bowels. It's not dreadful but once is enough for me, all I can still think about is how greasy they were. Do they brush it with more clarified margarine afterwards like a LongHorn steak?

Coconut Shrimp. There's just something magical about coconut shrimp... Like how it increases my waistline by sunrise. It's some sorcery shit. These were over fried a tad bit, another 45 seconds and they would be petrified Yorkie turd biscuits. The dark brown color was not appetizing at all... It was crunchy and not in good way, it had a hint of bitterness from the over frying. The shrimp inside was kinda dried out but not fully, still had some bite to it. If they took it out of the fryer 30 seconds earlier, it woulda been as good as their other concept's version. Bless their heart, but what does Red Lobster know about real Caribbean cuisine... Leave the coconut shrimp to the experts at Bahama Breeze.

An excellent adventure for the seafood lover it was not but it was not god awful, either. Strangely, the most memorable items were the biscuits and Caesar, prolly because there was no machine bolt in the salad. The lobster roll was a joke even with the noteworthy top split bun... What ruined it was the ultra greasy bun and bafflingly dry lobster meat. The fish & chips was greasy as fuck and got soggy 5 minzies in. The coconut shrimp had the color and texture of a coconut shell. And these items were not even the greasy, buttery, saucy dishes you expect to find on the menu... Even the picture of the crab linguini alfredo looked less greasy. I shoulda stuck with the Asian dishes here... The shrimp potstickers and dragon shrimp look like the perfect hangover cure. I know, I know what y'all are thinking... Why is the pouch going to these fucking chain restos that are known to suck ass? I just can't say no to that bitch, the brown juice is a real hooker and she can joggle your mind and make you do stupid things... Jesus, she just made me do another bad thing... But that is another post.

Flush.

Lucky Key Chinese & Fuji Ya Japanese

This dump looks like it's been here for ages and ages... They probably witnessed the dawn of the Jurassic period and attended the baby shower for King Tut. These types of fusion/2-in-1 Asian cuisine restos are dime a dozen these days since 1984. I don't even have to look at the menu to know that they serve really slutty Chino grub for the gwailo's palate... But I don't care... Especially, when I'm boozing like a dirty fucking hobo and make poor life choices. Which was exactly what I did recently. Oh, this fat fuck was a real piece of work the past 2 weeks... Oh, I was in obeast mode. Then I woke up with my head in the toilet bowl contemplating life's mysteries... Is this it? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking, snorting... Then what? You're 50. You got a marsupial pouch for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it and you're eating this fucking shit...
Goddamn right I'm eating this shit... Slutty Chino is the rejuvenation juice from a week of heavy medication of the brown juice. Jesus, I can hear my limo driver, Lloyd, saying, "Man, you are one pathetic loser!" I'm rubber and you're glue... Wait, I'm more like blubber and poo, whatever I eat comes back up and gets all over you. Speaking of poo... Let's see what this place is all about after all these years.
Walked in, what a dump... Jesus, did they film The Last Dragon in here and left the set props? There's a zombie fish in the aquarium that looked eerily like Sho'nuff... I'm kinda skeered, now. I wanted to leave but there was a server that had Bruce Leroy's hairdo guarding the front door. I haven't seen an Asian dude use Jheri curl activator in decades. Shit, I'm stuck here but I don't even care anymore because I'm still fucked up from the night before. Just get it over with, pouch... You know you'll get IBS-D no matter what you eat anyways...

If I didn't get my head out of the toilet, I would prolly eat what I regurgitated earlier like a fly. So, I dragged my fat sauced ass over here for some lunch. You get a choice of the standard issued wings or spring roll and a soup. I went all in. The spring roll was your run of the mill crispy pouch filler with not much flavor. The wonton soup was that thick dough blanket with barely any filling found at almost every Chino dump. The hot & sour soup was not as thick as I thought it would be, they used the corn starch slurry sparingly which was nice. The wings were surprisingly tasty, the thick sweet sauce was finga licking good, but no 2 finga diet was necessary afterwards. This was the classic slutty apps.

General Tao's Chicken. This saucy fried nugget dish is such a classic for the hangover cure. But for fuck sake, what is that? Looked like stir fried possum taint. No wonder they misspelled Tso. I don't even know what cooking technique they used for this slop. The brown sauce was so liquidity... Like a Tauntaun afterbirth, but it will keep you warm in these frigid times. The supposedly fried soggy chicken pieces tasted like shit, close your eyes and it could be canned dog food... Even Rachael Ray's Nutrish dog food tastes better than this gruel. Mmm, it's duh-lish! This version was not crispy and spicy at all, it was bland and somehow looked like Mongolian beef. How do you fuck up this staple of every hole in the wall Chino joint... What a let down. I need another shot.

Vegetable Lo Mein. Ok, this is another staple of the slutty Chino grub category that can solve most of your alcohol or drug induced problems. It was not a pretty dish to look at but this was not bad at all... A nice portion of noodles to veggies ratio. I don't know why stir fried veggies and toothy noodles always taste so good the day after a night of heavy drankin'. This tasted pretty good right now but don't ask me for an opinion if I ate this sober.

Wait, you oinkers, we're not done yet... That was just the slutty Chino side, they got a slutty Sooshee side, too... And oh, y'all know the pouch won't pass up a chance to do a double header for my readership of one... Shit, why not, I was here already. And when you're a fat fuck like me, you just can't say no... But I also didn't want to drive back here later on. Let's see how Fuji Ya's fish shipment from Tsukiji market tastes today...

Thursday $1 Sushi included a large assortment... Taste the rainbow, motherfuckers. Ok, y'all know what kinda quality we're gonna get with dolla sooshe day... Look at that presentation, woof. Who rolled these, real Cubans? Where's the cigar box? I have seen better looking raw fish and rolls at the Clermont Lounge. Except that the rolls at the CL are more than a mouthful and fishier than chum on a charter boat. Don't even expect any style of plating here, it looked like they served the sushi on a styrofoam cooler lid. You'll be lucky if these pieces are sliced evenly and stayed intact when you pick it up. For what it was, it was all borderline acceptable and I'm being nice about it. It was so visually unappealing that I wanted to stab my eyes out with chopsticks if there were any available. If you have to ask for chopsticks in an Asian resto, that may be a red flag... Wait, they don't serve Thai food here or do they? Is it too much to ask them to plate the sushi diagonally instead of side by side like a military parade in North Korea... Making it look nice on the plate would have made a huge difference to the diner, but what do you expect for a dollar.

Soft Shell Crab. I think Ripley just shat her teeny underpants... Did this come out of Kane's stomach? Looked like a battered and deep fried baby alien rolling around in a Caesar salad with a puke bucket in the corner. Why did they quarter this creasture... Can't even tell if it was crab or crap. It was mostly batter with a little mushy crab bits inside. Do people actually water down ponzu to save a little money? I usually don't complain about soft shell crab but this may be the only exception in this one horse town. 

$1 Tempura- sweet potato, zucchini, shrimp, scallop, salmon and red snapper. Holy shit, when I thought they couldn't surprise me any further... They really stepped up to depress the pouch with this exhibit. How fucking high can they pile that tiny plate up with all that heavily battered and fried slop... They must be fucking expert level in Jenga. I love fried food as much as the next porker but this was just a hideous mess... It was like looking down the hatch of a Porta Potty on the 3rd day of Music Midtown. You can't even tell what was what and when you pile fried food on top of each other they don't stay crunchy for long. They kinda just glued themselves together. I don't know if they got the memo but Japanese tempura is not suppose to be heavy. It was like eating the same corndog one after another.

If you're looking for average Chinese or Japanese cuisine, this joint ain't it... As for slutty Asian, it was barely acceptable even after a night of heavy boozing. They have been here for a long time and nothing has changed from the decor to the menu. If you threw up in one of the booths no one will even notice, it would just blend in with the previous puke stain... I almost puked just thinking about the zombie fish in the tank and the sooshee I just ate. I think this is the big one... I'm coming to join ya, Elizabeth! Get off the toilet, I need it, STAT.

Flush.

4135 Lavista Rd #310
Tucker, GA 30084
www.luckykeyfujiya.com

Applebee's

I had no problem avoiding this king of all chain restos for the most part of my measly life... Until now. Jesus, pouch, you have really hit a new low... Is this a cry for help? Shit, I have been crying for help most of my adult life and the only person that hears my cries is Popeyes... Or was that just stomach growls, nevermind. Even though, I'm a fat fuck that will eat anything, I have never had any urges to eat here (I know, that's a first)... Even their TV commercials are heinous. That was until they started promoting their one dollar Long Island Ice Tea aka L.I.T... Even my cellulite encrusted dumb ass got their play on words and I bought it hook, line and sinker because cheap booze is my bff. I know their food will suck ass but who gives a fuck, I'm gonna get LIT up like the 4th of July with the spare change I keep in my marsupial pouch. This gives me an excuse to finally walk through their doors, suck down some el cheapo L.I.T.s and then most likely straight to their shitter to puke up all that slop. But who knows, they might actually surprise me because most chain restos have been revamping their menu and image in order to capture the elusive millennial demographics... But I'm way passed that age and I will not be so easily bought with some $1 LITs... Ok, maybe just this one time. Jesus, I can hear my college dean now... "Zero point two... Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Fuck you, you don't know me, Vernon!
I'm actually kinda scared a little bit, now... I hope there's a church with a basement bedroom nearby just in case I get really fucking wasted. Church basements are so refugee friendly, just like the priests that tuck you in. C'mon, pouch, stop fucking stalling and get to it already you fat fuck... Enquiring pouches want to know!

Mmm, that frosty mug with a tasty cold long island tea looks thirst quenching... I'm sold on their new image and presentation.

What the fuck is this? Where's my frosty mug? All I got was this plastic water cup with premixed L.I.T. from a giant pickle jug. C'mon, I'm spending big bucks here for this $1 L.I.T. And I got $4.50 in my pocket... Just pour the 5th one in my hand for 50 cents. Yes, it was weak as fuck, what did y'all really expect for $1? But it did the trick to get this portly porpoise through the doors and even made the pouch order some slop up in this piece.

Spinach & Artichoke Dip- A warm crock of creamy spinach, tender artichokes, and melted Asiago and Parmesan cheeses, with freshly-made Spicy Chipotle Lime Salsa and tortilla chips. Jesus, that was a mouthful to say as well as it is to eat... It looked like freshly squeezed smeg from a walrus' twat. Do I eat this or apply a field dressing to this flesh wound? The chips tasted like they were freshly made during Dubya's second term... Fool me once, err, let's just cut to the chase, shame on me... Can't fool me again, but it did. Look at that thick fatty film on top, even mixing it all up didn't do much to make it more appealing or appetizing. It was just a salty ooey gooey mass that had similar elastic properties like Stretch Armstrong. I broke half of those chips trying to scoop that ectoplasm up to my snout. More LITs, STAT... To wash all that sludge down and hopefully out soon.

6 oz. USDA Choice Top Sirloin, broccoli and all the way baked potato. I like their presentation with the knife under the meat flap... Safety first, for the children in this safe space. So, there was like an extra $2 up charge for the all the way baked tater... Up charge for what? There was hardly any toppings on that sad spud, motherfuckers... I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS. The broccoli had a surprisingly vibrant green color, I know, WTF, yo? The sirloin actually had some decent char marks on there and it was cooked mid-rare, who the fuck cooked it, Rod Serling? It was like the Twilight Zone. Now, for the taste test... It was seasoned on the surface but tasted like nothing even with the nice bright red color on the inside. I have no clue where they source their meat but I wouldn't be surprised if it was grown from a test tube and planted in some moist dark cavern till harvest season. For what it was at that affordable price point, it was still forgettable... Maybe the LITs had something to do with it. 

Double Glazed Baby Back Ribs, half rack, green beans and mashed potatoes. Look at that coating... What the fuck was it double glazed with? 10W-30 after 50,000 miles in a Yugo? Holy HFCS... It was so thick that it dripped like pebbles on that plate. I don't even want to touch that yet... The green beans looked rather... Green. What is going on with the vegs here? They actually looked fresh and tasted decent. The mashed taters is another story... It looked like it was made with some of the original mother from 1982. I think it just moved... Help me baby Jesus, I don't want to die in here with the local townies. I guess I have to go in for the kill... How much for one rib? Because I really don't want to eat the rest... It did cut through somewhat easily but that sauce was just dismal to look at let alone put it in your mouth. I scraped off as much as I could and took a bite... Damn, it's so cloyingly sweet still. The rib meat flavor was pretty neutral tasting but all you taste is the HFCS sauce on the front and back end, nothing in the middle. Let's just say these ribs won't win any awards, even at a dog fight.

I know what y'all are saying... How much of a numbnuts can you be, pouch? Did you expect to discover something new that the toothless hillbillies across the bar haven't already... Speaking of which, the regulars here were amazing specimens for the Darwin award. There was this one big mouth who was talking shit the entire time about how he only drinks top shelf liquor like Grey Goose and Hpnotiq... And that the bartender needs to stock those for him. The he proceeds to tell his bros at the bar about how he cheats on his wife on a monthly basis or else you ain't a real man. Yes, because real men hang out at Applebee's on a Friday night picking up high brow stock. I saw the selection of broads in here... They won't even take selfies. One gash was no older than my 18 year old pick up truck and was wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and "Money" came on... The bartender was like, here's your song. She was like who's this, it sounds old. Yeah, I know she was at Target earlier because their graphic tees were on sale... And all the Def Leppard shirts were sold out. Busted, fraudie skank.

Look, the food and dranks were pretty bad all around but the people watching was worth every goddamn penny but no more than $8.99. Another hour and 13 minzies I will never get back. But that might not be a bad thing, give me a clean death, a soldier's death. Shit, who am I kidding? I'm gonna die on the toilet like the King. The pouch has left the building... So, has the double glazed ribs.

Flush.

Top Ramen

This ramen joint has been around for a bit but I never had the interest to stop in here because this strip mall is always empty on this end even though Sweet Hut on the other side has brought a ton of traffic to give this dump more visibility. But nope, all the restos and shops on this end are still being treated like a red-headed stepchild... No hut, no love. After passing this by time after time, I guess it was time to see what's the deal with this place. Parked right up front since there were no cars and walked over and kept walking when I saw no one in there, not even a staff member... I checked out the other Chino restos a few doors down and they were also dead as fuck. I doubled back to this joint and said fuck it, just do it, do it, do it, pouch... Stop being a fucking pair of inflamed meat flaps.
Walked in and the place was nice and modern, in other words, it looked clean enough to eat there. But there was not a soul in here, then this creasture limped out from the back alley exactly at high noon like Quasimodo... I didn't see an Arby's bell for that mofo to ring but he did drag over a menu. I looked at the menu and noticed that it was eerily similar to Lan Zhou Ramen. I mean the menu was exactly in the same format with the same dishes and all the wrong spelling and grammar, too... Like "Hond" Pulled Noodles. I was looking for the "Shranghai" buns but it looks like someone proof read that item. I had a 'hunch' that it was the same owners and that Quasimofo confirmed that indeed it was. I was getting kinda excited now because I love Lan Zhou Ramen and their hand pulled knife sliced noods are so guud.
Let's see if they are just as good as the number one son or just a red-headed stepchild that needs to be beaten, ignored and sent to a church basement.

Shanghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. I asked the server if this had the nice thin webbing of crust found at Lan Zhou Ramen...He said, yes, it da same. Then this bullshit came out... Ok, they gave you 6 buns instead of 5 at LZR to make up for the missing crepe layer. He says, sometimes the cook do it and sometimes he don't want to. Come again, Quasimotherfucker? Was this the chef's choice... Did I order the fucking omakase? I don't see goddamn California rolls on the menu, yo! They were nicely pan fried but I was still so disappointed, what a total sham and let down... I had a feeling that the correct spelling would fuck this up. I ate like two buns and got depressed. Time to move on...

Fried Crunchy Chicken. I just can't get past fwied cheekan if it's on the menu. They were prepared different as well... That fucking omakase menu again. They were kinda like the Japanese chicken kaarage... Little ultra crispy nuggets with more batter than meat and barely any seasoning. Some pieces were chicken soft bone which was a nice surprise but in the end, it was nothing craveworthy. I got screwed again. Next...

Beef Tendon Knife Sliced Hond Pulled Noodles. Ok, let's stick with something that they do best, the noodles soups... There were a lot of slices of tendon and they were tender as expected. The broth was nice but not as good as Lan Zhou Ramen. The knife sliced noods didn't have that wavy noodle texture, seemed more like they used a pasta cutter to cut long strands of it on a table. Let's take a closer look...

These knife sliced noodles were not as thick and ribbony like at Lan Zhou Ramen but still tasted pretty good. The tendon was great, the noods acceptable, but the broth needed a little more work to be on par with LZR. It's not bad but not good enough to get the pouch back here any time soon and by the looks of this sparse space and parking lot no one else is coming back either.

2180 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
www.topramenduluth.com

Maybe it's time to go back to the number one son for some redemption... Who is this fat fuck kidding? Of course, the pouch is going back... Like right now. What? It's on my way home. Don't hate, congratulate.

Lan Zhou Ramen.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. Fuck yeah, ese! The "R" makes all the difference... It was prolly spelled with a "L" initially but you know they can't pronounce L's. Now, these are the buns I have been looking for... This was perfect with that thin layer of crackling goodness... And the buns were juicy and flavorful. So damn guud.

Of course, I had to get the same noodle bowl to compare between the two spots. This bowl looked so much better, the broth had a better color and sheen, full of veggies and tendon and the knife sliced noods were perfect ribbons and had great texture. Just a perfect bowl on a cold winter day in da ATL. Skip Top Ramen and the drive to upstate GA and stay ITP for a proper bun and bowl at the number one son of hond pulled noods.

Jesus, who the fuck eats two lunches in a row? And the same exact lunch back to back. This stout specimen of a beast, that's who.

Squirt.

5231 Buford Hwy
Doraville, GA 30340

Hello Chicken Seoul Grub

The KFC trend has come and gone in this one horse town... But that doesn't mean it's gonna stop FOBs from opening more and more Corean fwied cheekan joints around town no matter how many there are already nor will the pouch stop eating fwied cheekan on a weekly basis. The more fried chicken joints the better, I say. Jesus, I just realized why I'm such a fat fuck. Deep fried foods are not healthy for you they keep saying on ER but I have never heard Doogie Howser say that in 97 episodes... Who would you rather listen to more? The worst Batman ever playing a doctor on TV or a 6 year old that had a perfect SAT score? Shit, that's a no brainer... I'm not a smart man but I know what love is... And I lurv me some fwied cheekan.
So, the always empty Lee's Tofu House closed down awhile ago and the space sat dark for a good bit until someone had the balls to exorcise this cursed space with two crossed fried chicken legs. But we all know that curses don't go away quietly even with 3 buckets of fried chicken as a sacrifice. But the pouch doesn't give a fuck about curses when it comes to KFC... I will fart in their general direction with a lethal dose of the pouch's most powerful gastric vapors after inhaling a whole chicken or two that even the afterlife will gag.
The name of this joint sounds eerily similar to Thank U Chicken but there is no connection between the two. Let's go take a first look and see if it's worth a second visit... If not there's always Quickly's kick ass nuggets or La Mei Zi's salt & pepper nuggets down the street.

Walked in and there are giant cubbies everywhere in a tic-tac-toe formation, what the fuck is this... An episode of Hollywood Squares or a coworking space? It's more like a fucking waste of space. Who designed this... Rubik's Cube? I think I just saw Jm J. Bullock in the center square. Even walking to the bathroom in the back corner was like a rat looking for a piece of cheese in a maze... I was getting annoyed until I saw this sign in the back. I totally need this in my tiny shithole apartment, it could decorate two walls. Ok, after draining the peeping baby turtle and admiring this work of art again on the way out, I found my zen and accepted this as a safe space. Time to destroy some CFC...

Half & Half, Soy Garlic and Sweet & Spicy sauce on the side, Fried Potatoes. It took forever for the chicken to come out but after seeing the size of this specimen, I felt a little blood flow going through my manhood. The little flags tell you that this is authentic Corean Fwied Cheekan... Jesus, I hope I don't have to stand up for their national anthem with my tent pants at full salute. Maybe the word authentic is a bit premature at this point, squirt... Until the pouch blesses it with it's muffin top. After a couple of minzies of letting it cool down a bit, the whole presentation started to look kinda gimmicky... I almost thought I ordered fish n' chips served with the waxy newspaper on a Thai wooden longtail boat. It also came with daikon and shredded bitter cabbage with a few squirts of mayo. Let's take a closer look at the cheekan...

Fried Chicken with sweet & spicy on the side. The batter and crust looked ultra thick and crispy while the chicken pieces looked kinda small... Ugh, that's a bad sign already. There were some tiny wings and legs and what looked to be half chopped up thighs. The golden color looked great but I had a feeling they were over fried on the second fry. Took a bite and it was like chewing into bark. The batter was so fucking thick like body armor, I should test it against a .357 magnum slug. Once, I broke on through to the other side, the meat was kinda dried out and measly. There was not much meat in any of these pieces, just all bones and batter to give it volume. They looked good on the outside but turned out to be a dud overall. Even drowning them in the sweet & spicy sauce didn't help much. The giant wedges of regular old Idaho taters were battered and deep fried as well which gives you the illusion that it was a meaty piece of chicken until you bit into it and then depression sinks in even further. Let's see if the soy garlic ones are any better.

Soy Garlic Chicken. They are basically the same wings with the soy garlic sauce drizzled on them haphazardly and the sauce was way too sweet and not a hint of garlic. These wings were a bit better because the sauce have softened the armor plating and you don't need teeth like Jaws from Moonraker to eat these fucking weak ass yardbirds. Overall, the pouch was not too impressed with their CFC... Maybe I should try something else on the menu... The wings looked good in the picture on the menu but so did the fried chicken. The only thing that seemed worth trying was the seafood pancake because the tacos and instant ramen were so goddamn gringo.

Seafood Pancake. $10 for this pancake that looked like it was worth the change between my cushions. First of all, the hot plate it was served on wasn't even hot, they cooked the pancake in another pan and transferred it over to a cold plate... The batter wasn't even crispy and a seafood pancake is all about being super crispy. I see nice golden brown spots randomly on there but it was spongy, soggy and barely warmed through. Why even waste so much time and effort on this if you're just gonna let it sit in the back for so long?

The only thing that made my night was seeing this amazing XMAS tree ornament... This looked better than their cheekan.

Overall, the KFC is not worth it at full price for $20... But I went on their XMAS special day for half price and that was even pushing it. The batter is just way to thick and hard while the actual chicken pieces were small and boney. Thank U Chicken was a lot better with meatier pieces and a better crust but you have to drive to upstate Georgia for it. Even though, this joint is in ITP, I have almost no interest in coming back here for the KFC unless they make drastic changes but it looks like the curse lives on in this space. 

5295 Buford Hwy NE

Atlanta, GA 30340

http://hellochickenfood.com/