Applebee's

I had no problem avoiding this king of all chain restos for the most part of my measly life... Until now. Jesus, pouch, you have really hit a new low... Is this a cry for help? Shit, I have been crying for help most of my adult life and the only person that hears my cries is Popeyes... Or was that just stomach growls, nevermind. Even though, I'm a fat fuck that will eat anything, I have never had any urges to eat here (I know, that's a first)... Even their TV commercials are heinous. That was until they started promoting their one dollar Long Island Ice Tea aka L.I.T... Even my cellulite encrusted dumb ass got their play on words and I bought it hook, line and sinker because cheap booze is my bff. I know their food will suck ass but who gives a fuck, I'm gonna get LIT up like the 4th of July with the spare change I keep in my marsupial pouch. This gives me an excuse to finally walk through their doors, suck down some el cheapo L.I.T.s and then most likely straight to their shitter to puke up all that slop. But who knows, they might actually surprise me because most chain restos have been revamping their menu and image in order to capture the elusive millennial demographics... But I'm way passed that age and I will not be so easily bought with some $1 LITs... Ok, maybe just this one time. Jesus, I can hear my college dean now... "Zero point two... Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Fuck you, you don't know me, Vernon!
I'm actually kinda scared a little bit, now... I hope there's a church with a basement bedroom nearby just in case I get really fucking wasted. Church basements are so refugee friendly, just like the priests that tuck you in. C'mon, pouch, stop fucking stalling and get to it already you fat fuck... Enquiring pouches want to know!

Mmm, that frosty mug with a tasty cold long island tea looks thirst quenching... I'm sold on their new image and presentation.

What the fuck is this? Where's my frosty mug? All I got was this plastic water cup with premixed L.I.T. from a giant pickle jug. C'mon, I'm spending big bucks here for this $1 L.I.T. And I got $4.50 in my pocket... Just pour the 5th one in my hand for 50 cents. Yes, it was weak as fuck, what did y'all really expect for $1? But it did the trick to get this portly porpoise through the doors and even made the pouch order some slop up in this piece.

Spinach & Artichoke Dip- A warm crock of creamy spinach, tender artichokes, and melted Asiago and Parmesan cheeses, with freshly-made Spicy Chipotle Lime Salsa and tortilla chips. Jesus, that was a mouthful to say as well as it is to eat... It looked like freshly squeezed smeg from a walrus' twat. Do I eat this or apply a field dressing to this flesh wound? The chips tasted like they were freshly made during Dubya's second term... Fool me once, err, let's just cut to the chase, shame on me... Can't fool me again, but it did. Look at that thick fatty film on top, even mixing it all up didn't do much to make it more appealing or appetizing. It was just a salty ooey gooey mass that had similar elastic properties like Stretch Armstrong. I broke half of those chips trying to scoop that ectoplasm up to my snout. More LITs, STAT... To wash all that sludge down and hopefully out soon.

6 oz. USDA Choice Top Sirloin, broccoli and all the way baked potato. I like their presentation with the knife under the meat flap... Safety first, for the children in this safe space. So, there was like an extra $2 up charge for the all the way baked tater... Up charge for what? There was hardly any toppings on that sad spud, motherfuckers... I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS. The broccoli had a surprisingly vibrant green color, I know, WTF, yo? The sirloin actually had some decent char marks on there and it was cooked mid-rare, who the fuck cooked it, Rod Serling? It was like the Twilight Zone. Now, for the taste test... It was seasoned on the surface but tasted like nothing even with the nice bright red color on the inside. I have no clue where they source their meat but I wouldn't be surprised if it was grown from a test tube and planted in some moist dark cavern till harvest season. For what it was at that affordable price point, it was still forgettable... Maybe the LITs had something to do with it. 

Double Glazed Baby Back Ribs, half rack, green beans and mashed potatoes. Look at that coating... What the fuck was it double glazed with? 10W-30 after 50,000 miles in a Yugo? Holy HFCS... It was so thick that it dripped like pebbles on that plate. I don't even want to touch that yet... The green beans looked rather... Green. What is going on with the vegs here? They actually looked fresh and tasted decent. The mashed taters is another story... It looked like it was made with some of the original mother from 1982. I think it just moved... Help me baby Jesus, I don't want to die in here with the local townies. I guess I have to go in for the kill... How much for one rib? Because I really don't want to eat the rest... It did cut through somewhat easily but that sauce was just dismal to look at let alone put it in your mouth. I scraped off as much as I could and took a bite... Damn, it's so cloyingly sweet still. The rib meat flavor was pretty neutral tasting but all you taste is the HFCS sauce on the front and back end, nothing in the middle. Let's just say these ribs won't win any awards, even at a dog fight.

I know what y'all are saying... How much of a numbnuts can you be, pouch? Did you expect to discover something new that the toothless hillbillies across the bar haven't already... Speaking of which, the regulars here were amazing specimens for the Darwin award. There was this one big mouth who was talking shit the entire time about how he only drinks top shelf liquor like Grey Goose and Hpnotiq... And that the bartender needs to stock those for him. The he proceeds to tell his bros at the bar about how he cheats on his wife on a monthly basis or else you ain't a real man. Yes, because real men hang out at Applebee's on a Friday night picking up high brow stock. I saw the selection of broads in here... They won't even take selfies. One gash was no older than my 18 year old pick up truck and was wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and "Money" came on... The bartender was like, here's your song. She was like who's this, it sounds old. Yeah, I know she was at Target earlier because their graphic tees were on sale... And all the Def Leppard shirts were sold out. Busted, fraudie skank.

Look, the food and dranks were pretty bad all around but the people watching was worth every goddamn penny but no more than $8.99. Another hour and 13 minzies I will never get back. But that might not be a bad thing, give me a clean death, a soldier's death. Shit, who am I kidding? I'm gonna die on the toilet like the King. The pouch has left the building... So, has the double glazed ribs.

Flush.