Red Lobster

Fuck me... And fuck resto gimmicks. I got sucka'd in again by another fucking Darden commercial and this time by their new Red Lobster "Tasting Menu" with an item that I can't resist... A goddamn petite lobster roll. The first thought that went through my tiny brain was how this thick neck got suckered in by Captain D's deplorable lobster rolls a few months ago... All these motherfuckers always make their commercials look so goddamn good, especially, when you have been slamming down whiskey alone in the dark and the lobster roll on the TV is enticing me to go into the light like Carol Anne. This is like a theme with me... I drink and I do stupid things. Sometimes I learn from my mistakes but most of the time I don't. I'm like a brainwashed Pavlovian dog made to do repetitive asinine tricks that has turned me into a fat fuck... Like coming here when I really don't need to because of a lobster roll commercial that triggered something within the pouch to overcome it's inner inhibitions. I haven't been to a Red Lobster in years but I can't let me one fan down, I made a promise to report all that's fit to eat or puke... Besides the lobster roll, their new globally inspired Tasting Menu consists of Yucatan Shrimp, Shrimp Potstickers, Dragon Shrimp, Loaded Seaside Fries, Southwest Style Tacos and Salmon New Orleans... Jesus, I can feel the IBS-D brewing already. This prolly won't end well.
Oh, well, what's another fucking 10 pounds in the dump truck... More cushion for da pushin'. Bring on the 5000 calorie crappy meal. Walked in and all I saw was a barn full of red lobster necks... This is gonna be an excellent adventure.

Cheddar Bay Biscuits. This is what all the oinkers come here for... And this rotund bastard did the same. They are buttery, greasy and addictive like a fat chick to cheesecake. I saw their cheddar bay biscuits mix in a box at Walmart one time and I bought it because I was feeling low rent after drinking a Bud Lime-A-Rita on a triple dog dare. The amount of fucking butter you have to use is preposterous... And this butterball double down on the amount for that extra buttery throat lube action. These things ain't healthy but they taste like eating the golden corn niblets out of Kim Kardashian's can. 

Caesar Salad. No matter which Darden resto you go to, the Caesar salad is all the same... But this one didn't come with a machine bolt like at LongHorn. It was crisp, vibrant, nice shaved slices of parmesan and no slimy brown spots were found. We're off to a good start with a salad that even an entitled millennial can make.

Petite Lobster Roll. It's advertised as "a warm, toasty roll, topped with melted butter... It's everything a lobster roll should be." Or not. The lobster meat bits looked so dry and stringy. The proper top split bun looked buttery and toasted, but why does it curve to the left? That's what she said. This lobster roll took forever to come out, it actually came out last after all the other entrees. I thought they took the only live lobster out of the tank and dispatched it fresh for me... But all I got was this sad sack of bottom feeding slop. No, not from the bottom of the water tank, it seemed more like the bottom of a slim jim. What trash can did they pull this shit out of... There were a couple of nuggets of meat but the rest were just bits from the bottom of the vac bag. The bun was so greasy, I wanted to wring it out like a wet tube sock. It tasted like one, too. It's a fucking lobster roll, not Al's Italian beef dipped. I wanted to ask them for a pair of gloves to eat this with but there was no love from the staff on that request. Even with all that grease, this lob roll was dry as fuck... It's like eating a handful of wet sand after the wave goes back out. It may look moist but once you start chewing all you hear is crunch crunch... Getting it down was the worst part, it was like deep throating a French tickler with dry rot. How can they fuck this up so badly... Are they keeping the lobster meat warm in the salamander? I think they had it set at 11.

Pub Style Fish & Chips. This is another new globally inspired menu item that they're very proud of showcasing... Oh yeah? Aren't they a little late to the game with the generic fucking English fish & chips served in every bar in the world... Shit, even the best Irish resto in America have been serving their version of fish & chips for decades stateside... I used to inhale 2 or 3 Filet-O-Fish with an extra large fries in one sitting. These fried fish logs were surprisingly decent tasting, had a nice crispy batter and flaky moist white fish inside, even though, they were greasy as fuck... Which turned soggy with in minutes. They even serve it on fake newspaper... It's the little details that make it taste better or you can use it as TP after the grease has taken effect in your bowels. It's not dreadful but once is enough for me, all I can still think about is how greasy they were. Do they brush it with more clarified margarine afterwards like a LongHorn steak?

Coconut Shrimp. There's just something magical about coconut shrimp... Like how it increases my waistline by sunrise. It's some sorcery shit. These were over fried a tad bit, another 45 seconds and they would be petrified Yorkie turd biscuits. The dark brown color was not appetizing at all... It was crunchy and not in good way, it had a hint of bitterness from the over frying. The shrimp inside was kinda dried out but not fully, still had some bite to it. If they took it out of the fryer 30 seconds earlier, it woulda been as good as their other concept's version. Bless their heart, but what does Red Lobster know about real Caribbean cuisine... Leave the coconut shrimp to the experts at Bahama Breeze.

An excellent adventure for the seafood lover it was not but it was not god awful, either. Strangely, the most memorable items were the biscuits and Caesar, prolly because there was no machine bolt in the salad. The lobster roll was a joke even with the noteworthy top split bun... What ruined it was the ultra greasy bun and bafflingly dry lobster meat. The fish & chips was greasy as fuck and got soggy 5 minzies in. The coconut shrimp had the color and texture of a coconut shell. And these items were not even the greasy, buttery, saucy dishes you expect to find on the menu... Even the picture of the crab linguini alfredo looked less greasy. I shoulda stuck with the Asian dishes here... The shrimp potstickers and dragon shrimp look like the perfect hangover cure. I know, I know what y'all are thinking... Why is the pouch going to these fucking chain restos that are known to suck ass? I just can't say no to that bitch, the brown juice is a real hooker and she can joggle your mind and make you do stupid things... Jesus, she just made me do another bad thing... But that is another post.

Flush.