Monday, July 11, 2022

Cheekan Sando Wars Part Trois

Pouch, why are you still reporting on cheekan sandos? The war is over, bro... It's never over! Didn't you get the message on June 19, 2021? Sorry, I was hiding in the swamps of Texas until Colonel Sanders delivered the news to me... Along with a bucket of original. I don't care, this blog is called Fried Chicken Lips and I can post all the chicken sandos I want... Not that anyone is reading this ludicrous blog. If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? That same concept works here as well... If the Pouch drops a deuce in the toilet, does it make a splash?  Oh, wait, I meant to say- If no one reads this blog, does the Pouch get skinnier? The answer to both is NO obviously, duh. Shit, if I fall in the forest, I ain't getting up... And my Life Alert doesn't have the range to access my Rascal scooter by remote. I'm not as powerful as Professor X to Jedi mind trick my wheels over sticks and stumps. But anyways... We are here to talk about fwied cheekan sandos today, as with any other day. Did I ever mentioned that I like fried chicken?

OK, I promise this will be my last chicken sando war blog post... This year. I can't promise anything for next year. C'mon, Pouch, let's get this shit over with, already...

The fried chicken experiment from the minds of the Ticonderoga Club crew. They do everything pretty well, so, I expect no less than perfection with their new cheekan joint...

Classic, Nuggies, Yucca Fries. We'll get to the Classic sando in a little bit... First, the Nuggies, they were dark meat and brined. The ultra light dusting of "breading" was nice because you can see the actual size of the chicken and not a pillow of breading like most other joints with a tiny morsel of meat inside. The Nuggies were a bit salty and chewy, may have been brined a little too long. The honey mustard nuggie sauce helped sweeten them a bit going down the pouch. They were decent and not really that crave-worthy but the use of dark meat still gets my respect. The Yucca fries were thick logs with a light crispy crust as well. They were pretty good but still a filler at the end of the day.  

Classic, fried thigh, herby spread, B&B pickles, crispy lettuce, good bun. Looks like a very respectable cheekan sando... Let's take a look at the innards.

Not too shabby... The bun looks great, the chicken thigh looks pretty hefty with a nice crust, priced right at $8 for the classic. Mostly everything on the menu is affordably priced. The crust was thin and crispy but like with the nuggies, the thigh meat was a bit salty and but not as chewy since it was a whole thigh. It's a tasty cheekan sando but not all that crave-worthy. If I was in the area, I would get it again but another one of their flavors like the LPW which sounds interesting in sando form.

This hidden Taiwanese coffee, tea and chicken joint was quite a surprise. This area off of 85N has a plethora of hidden eats but the locals seem to know all about it since they were all packed. Where there's fried chicken, the Pouch will be there. Taiwanese fried chicken has been all the rave the last few years but has the fad weaned?

Chick Bits, gluten free dark meat chicken nuggets. Everything in this box looked correct except the Smucker's breakfast syrup... I was like WTF, was this put in there by mistake? Then they said, make sure you dip the bits in the syrup for the ultimate umami experience... Who am I to say no to HFCS? It's the weirdest combo but it worked. The ultra sugary syrup made the bits pretty tasty but I was OK with it as is. The nuggets had the signature potato starch crust used in all Taiwanese popcorn chicken. These were very tasty and almost crave-worthy enough for a repeat visit. The fried basil was spot-on.

Basic Chick, sweet pickles & boomin' mango habanero sauce. Not a bad looking specimen at all.. Cheekan flaps flapping out of the sides. Good sign. Let's take a look under the hood...

The mango habanero sauce was a bit scant, but the crust looked pretty well seasoned. 

The crust had the signature potato starch as well... Why mess with a proven recipe? From this angle, this cheekan sando looked formidable. Let's take a look at the innards...

Very very respectable and girthy. This is a good looking sando. Took a bite... Damn. That is a really good cheekan sando. Thin crispy crunch on the first bite and the white meat was tender and juicy and full of flavor. You can only taste a hint of mango habanero sauce but it's so crave-worthy enough that it doesn't even matter. I would be back for this cheekan sando. Oh, and BTW- get the Tiger's Blood Milk Tea to waush it all down.

Even Indian bros on Buford Hwy are getting in on the cheekan sando wars... They might not know which war though... This joint serves pretty much an all American menu like burgers and wings and is located next to Food Terminal but if you blink you will miss it. Every time I drive by it there's barely any customers. I don't know how long they're gonna last but I better get in there and try their cheekan sando before they shut it all down. 

Southern Style Chicken Sando. The glossy bun looked great and I was a bit surprised by how well it was presented on a real plate. Let's take a look under the hood...

Wow, it's full of goodies underneath it like a real southern style chicken sandwich. I'm still impressed.

The innards looked even better. How can this be from an Indian joint? Took a bite... The creamy slaw with the crunch of the crust was a nice pairing. The slaw was a bit bland but the chicken juices made up for it. It was a tender chicken sando. It was a respectable attempt of the fried chicken sando. It was tasty but I don't know if I would come back for it again with so many other tempting cuisines within a stone's throw from this old Waffle House spot. 

This local chain from the Okiboru Tsukemen and Ramen crew have been reproducing faster than a rabbit in heat. They got 7 locations all over Atlanta and 1 in NYC with 3 more coming to Chamblee, Norcross and Peachtree City. Rapid expansions with resto groups in Atlanta have had a history of high failure rate. I've been to a couple of them and now, I'm trying the newer one in Decatur. I did not like the bait and switch scam at the original Sandy Springs one where they have a combo deal for $10 painted on the wall but when you went to order it on the screen, it was $12. I ain't falling for that scam, again, bro... I'm coming here strictly for this review to see if they have gotten better or worse with their rapid expansion.
Nashville Hot Chicken sandwich topped with coleslaw, Comeback sauce, and pickles. Hot Level. I have tried the Extra Hot which was a bit wet from the sauce and the Reaper which was a bit powdery from the Reaper rub, both were not as hot as I thought. Sometimes the regular hot level has more heat than the advertised spicier levels. This is not a bad looking chicken sando full of creamy goodies leaking out the sides. Mmm, Pouch, you sure have a way with words that makes a person salivate with anticipation.

This even surprised me... Look how thick that breastses is. It looks good and it checks off all the boxes for a classic cheekan sando but I wasn't feeling it after the 3rd date with this chick. It wasn't hot at all but it was totally edible. I was just kinda going through the motions bite after bite like I was in a trance, but it was merely to satisfy my hungry at the time. I don't think I will be going back for another at $10 a pop. I can get 2 1/2 Popeyes cheekan sandos for that amount and it doesn't make me cry myself to sleep afterwards.

Nashville Hot Chicken sandwich. Chill Level. Looks exactly the fucking same as the hot but with no seasoning whatsoever.

It's visually appealing but that's about it. It's pretty much a standard run of the mill chicken sando nowadays. I'm getting tired of looking at it and eating it as well. This schtick has gotten tiresome. Nothing crave-worthy about this anymore.

There must be a lot of sad and lonely mooks out there all cooped up in their single wide who had Hooters on their regular rotation since this whole COVID thing started... But have no fear, mossbacks, Hooters just launched their mini spinoff called Hoots Righteous Wings in da ATL for all of y'all's greasy feed needs. Who am I kidding? Let's face it, these lonely and obeast losers weren't going to Hooters for their award winning cuisine... This was their go-to joint where they could pretend to be on a date with a halfway decent looking broad in a skimpy outfit... And yet here I am. No wonder why I cry myself to sleep every night. 
I must say, Hooters, haven't exactly been attracting the highest caliber of talent these days... It's like half the skanks have KIDs and the other half have STDs... But both will tell you they are studying to be a nurse because they love helping people... To me, they're both extra baggage that I don't need in my life right now or ever... Because I see my excess baggage in the mirror every morning. And I wonder why I'm so fucking fat with eating food like this...     

Sweet Heat Chicken Sandwich, breaded chicken thigh topped with superfoods slaw, pickles, and heat-infused honey. Jesus, this looks like a vegan regurgitated their lunch and dinner at the same time... Let's clean this up and close the hood...

Ahh, that looks a lot better... Gotta admit the crust looks pretty damn crispy and tasty. It's a pretty hefty cheekan sando. The crust was a bit thicker but still had a nice crunch. There were no sweet nor heat detected but they are using thigh meat, so, respect. I wouldn't go out of my way for another but if I was near one by chance I may stop in for another... And get extra hot sauce to drown it in.

I also got some sides to go with my cheekan sando... Don't judge.

Original Breaded Wings 10 pcs. Reaper sauce, Hot Honey sauce.

Fried Pickles.

Kids Boneless Wings Meal, Meyer lemon seasoning, sweet potato waffle fries, everything bagel seasoning

3 Piece Tenders.

There are no shortage of Taiwanese tea and snack shops all around Atlanta. Seems like they are popping up a new one on a daily basis. Is this concept even sustainable with all the competition? Who knows, who cares... If this one bites the dust, there's another 50 around the corner. 
Cuckoo's Chicken Sandwich. This looked sad as fuck. This almost made Micky D's chicken sando look respectable... Almost. It was missing the pickled slaw... Consistency in most restos these days are so fucking bad that I don't even make a fuss anymore because they just don't give a fuck. The crust was nice and crispy but the chicken thigh was so under seasoned that the spicy orange jizzy sauce made no difference to it. That smashed up sesame bun looked like it came out of a thong while some heifer was twerking. What a fucking waste of time and money.

Taiwanese Chicken Nuggets. OK, these looked pretty good... Will these nugs redeem that sad sack of shit sando? I sure fucking hope so... Took a bite and not too shabby. It was crispy and juicy and seasoned decently... It coulda been a bit more spicier but it'll do. These nugs were 100 times better than the chix sando but not crave-worthy enough to go back for them... Ever. 

I also had a couple bubble teas and they were pretty average. Quickly still has the best Taiwanese nuggets but goto Tea Leaf for the bubble teas.

I didn't even know this old local standby in Tucker had chicken skin in the game. Everybody and their gmilfs are getting into the fowl sando action. I like to come to this yokel joint when I feel depressed to people watch and to imbibe on their giant martini's. After watching the local slobs shovel the gruel into their toothless faceholes, I threw up a little bit in my mouth and then my cheekan sando came out. I had to wait a few minzies and downed 2 Manhattan martinis to regain my appetite... Ok, I lied, I never lost my appetite, I'm just an alchie. I can eat no matter what, I once ate a dirty water dog in front of a homeless creasture taking a muddy shit on St. Mark's Place, in front of the Dallas BBQ... I guess he found some bad brisket in the dumpster. Ok, enough talk about the NYC Brunswick stew... Let's take a look at the BRG chicken soldier in this fowl war...

Southern Chicken Sandwich. It's a plump looking chicken sando... Prolly because of the thick bun. The crust looked crispy and the breast flap looked pretty moist. I don't know if this could be considered a "Southern" chix sando because it looked like any old chicken sandwich from anywhere, USA... But it was quite tasty. A little squirt of hot sauce gave it the necessary kick it desperately required. But not a bad overall cheekan sando. Would I get another one? Probably not. Their chicken pot pie is just too good to pass up. 

Since, this posting, I have eaten another 3 cheekan sandos but I don't have the energy to add it to this post. I have gotten so fat after eating all these fwied yardbird sandos and my buxom fingers are too bloated and glistening like those dericious Japanese sausages you get at an Izakaya... If I type anymore my digits may explode like a juicy aribiki prok sausage. I'm starting to get kinda hungry staring at my plump piggies... It's just a vicious cycle with the bottomless chasm that is known as the Pouch.


Thursday, June 30, 2022

Peter Chang Richmond VA

What a shithole city Richmond is... Is everyone on drugs in this town? The streets are filthy and the sun seems to never shine at 37.5407° N, 77.4360° W which is basically the coordinates to a dumpster or an Airbnb for the homeless. I was passing through VA and remembered that the Houdini of chefs, Peter Chang, had a location here... And I had to stop in for a bite no matter how depressing this hellhole was. I hope this place is still in business... Maybe I'll even see the infamous Sichuan specialist himself... Yeah, right, keep dreaming, Pouch. I saw him once back in the old Tasty China many many moons ago. They don't call him the magic man for nothing... He's like Cal Naughton, Jr., now you see me, now you don't. He's more elusive than Michael Jackson. Oh, wait, he's dead.. Or is he? For all we know, Peter Chang may be partying with Elvis and Hitler in Brazil laughing about the good ol'days over an order of his prized dry-fried eggplant. The current rumor is that he is about to open up another resto called Chang Chang, his first in DC.
Since, I'm already here in the armpit of the Mason-Dixon line I might as well take my chances and see if I can score some dry-fried eggplant... Please please be open...

Don't make me break down these doors a la Popeyes...

Somebody loves themselves a little bit too much...

Dry Fried Eggplant, lightly battered egg plant sticks, deep fried and stir-fried with Szechuan peppercorn and chili, scallions and cilantro. Why is this served in a giant fucking clamshell from the 1970's? I didn't know eggplant came from the sea. What's really sad is that my parents had a shell like this in the bathroom and it had all sorts of soaps and mini bottles of shampoo collected from motels when we were on the lam back in the mid 1900's... Wait, maybe those were our poor people vacations, same difference. The dry fried eggplant here were different than the incredible ones I remembered at Tasty China. These didn't have the Sichuan seasoning on the eggplant fries. They just kinda toss the chili peppers, Sichuan peppercorns and cilantro, etc together with the deep fried eggplant sticks... Didn't seemed like they were wok tossed after the fry stage. But they were still pretty tasty. Not their best version but still very acceptable.

Szechuan Dan Dan Noodles with Beef. Once, again, not like the version I had at TC in the days of yore. But the presentation was acceptable. Mixed everything up and the flavors developed pretty quickly. I was hungry as fuck so this was probably better than it really was. But I'll take it.

Crispy Pork Belly, slightly battered pork belly, deep-fried and stir-fried with scallion, cilantro, dried chili pepper and Szechuan peppercorn. I don't remember this dish at TC but it's basically floured fat fried in fat... And it was fucking dericious. Ok, don't tell anyone but it was just fucking slices of bacon, battered and deep fried. Who doesn't love deep fried bacon... And to give it that spicy Sichuan spin to it makes it all the better. This was a really crave-worthy dish but I don't know if I would go back to this shithole town for it. 

This joint may have the Peter Chang's name on it but it doesn't fully have the Peter Chang magic unless the man himself is there behind the wok... It's like all smoke and mirror and each dish was just an image of the original... It may look like his food but tasted the opposite... Except the crispy pork belly, they were pretty amazing. 

2816 W Broad St A
Richmond, VA 23230

Monday, June 27, 2022

Quick Bites- Fishmonger, JINYA Ramen Bar and Seaside Grille of Lilburn.

I know, I know... The Pouch has been radio silent for awhile and my one fan has been speculating that the new variant IBS-D-VID may have taken the Lord of the Obeast six feet under the toilet. They say fat people are not trustworthy but trust me, when I say this portly bastardo has been hard at work coming up with new beat-off material for all your food porn needs. I have been eating non-stop for the last few weeks coming up with an ultimate review that will be revealed later, once, the Great Pit of Pouchkoon has digested all the carbs... But in the meantime, here's a few bites around town to give y'all a quick reach around and pre-mature squirts...
Poncey Highland has been on a tear to get new tenants and unique concepts to bring more foot traffic around this walkable area. The biggest hype is probably 8Arm(RIP)/Octopus Bar's newest fish shack where everybody and their MILF's are creaming their underpants about their "to-die-for" blackened grouper sando... Is a fucking fish sandwich really the newest fad in this one horse landlocked town? I don't know but let's see what all the fuss is about... 

I love the concept and the cozy space but c'mon, bro, this ain't no fish market... Almost everything on the limited seafood display is for their menu. No one is coming here to buy seafood to cook at home. I like the push cart outside but it's only function seems to be a counter to eat food on. How cool would it be if they had someone out there shucking oysters to order... Fatsos can dream can't they? 
Blackened Grouper Sandwich, Florida sauce, pickled peppers, herb salad, tomato, butter-toasted Martin's seeded bun, $19. For this price point, you better execute every goddamn fish sando perfectly... And of course, the big-boned people always get shafted... I wish I was shafted with a pickle but they never included one with my hotel priced fish sando. I knew what I was getting into but knowing and experiencing this spectacle were two totally different things. Is it a good grouper sando? Yes in a polite way. Did it make all my dreams come true? Hell No. Was it crave-worthy enough to get butt slammed, again? Fuck No. An average sized $20 fish sando that shoulda came with some Old Bay seasoned fries or even a cheap bag of generic chips did not give me the warm and fuzzies that commanded that price point. Go try it for yourself and decide if it's worth the price of admission more than one time.

Gulf Shrimp Roll, seared gulf shrimp, FM mayo, fried shallots, dill, lemon, new bae herbs, masago, butter-toasted Martin's seeded bun, $16. Compared to the grouper sando, this seemed to be a bargain... Especially, with the included pickle. Hmmm, this fat fuck may have spoke too soon. When I think of any roll that consists of seafood, I think of a top split roll that is buttered and toasted on each side and filled with a plethora of sweet seafood filling... Then this came out. I'm all for coming out with a taste of the rainbow but this may want to go back into the closet, the janitor's closet. It was so overdressed with a liquidity mayo which made it an absolute mess to eat without a knife and fork... People are getting killed these days for putting too much mayo in their subs. What's the FM stand for? Fuck Me sauce? Because after every bite you'll be saying fuck me with every new jizz stain on your brand new shirt. That janitor should be coming out of the closet saying "Supplies!", so, you can wipe up after yourself. The ingredient list sounds amazing on paper but the whole package didn't really live up to the price. If this was served inside a buttered toasted top split roll, it would have made all the difference.

This joint will be chalked up as an Once and Done and with my pouch and wallet a lot lighter... Especially, with their hidden "5% packaging fee" even if you eat there and the "8.9% tax" seemed a bit high even for Fulton county. Their POS system seemed to have the 20% tip quick button front and center to capture the easily flustered crowd. I just can't imagine nor accept paying over $50 for one acceptable fish sando and one average shrimp bun. 

After the lackluster visit to FM, I was still hangry but luckily, this unpolished turd waddled its way around the corner to the brand spanking new JINYA and it was still Happy Hour (3-5PM)... Thank baby Jesus, there may be a food god after all. The space looks small on the outside but the inside is quite spacious and modern. I just hate them screaming some fake Japanese greeting when you walk in like I'm about to order a fucking burrito.

JINYA Bun, slow braise pork chashu, cucumber, baby mixed greens and JINYA bun sauce and mayo, $3.50 HH. I don't know why I always get suckered into these pork buns at various Pan Asian joints... This was fine and at happy hour prices, I'm OK with it... I always promise myself never again but I usually forget after I walk out the door and then restate my promise after I eat the next pork bun... It's just a vicious cycle of gluttony.

Crispy Chicken, juicy fried chicken thigh, garlic pepper, mixed baby greens and JINYA ponzu sauce, $5 HH. This was an amazing deal for the portion during happy hour. It's basically a buck a piece of thigh. It was light, crispy and juicy... Nothing to complain about here. A sure hit on every visit. Have I ever mentioned that I like fwied cheekan? Burp.

Tonkotsu Black, pork broth, pork chashu, kikurage, green onion, nori dried seaweed, seasoned egg, $14.95. Now, this is a meal and under 15 bucks! The first thing I tasted was the broth, it was full of flavor and depth and it was quite satisfying. While it might not have the full sticky collagen intensity like at some local ramen shops, the tonkotsu broth at this chain was more than acceptable. The thin ramen noodles were toothy and cooked perfectly, I'm kinda impressed. But I also never had a bad experience on past visits at their other locations. The chashu was a bit too thin but still provided the necessary protein required for a proper tonk ramen. The soy egg was spot on with a golden liquid center that oozed like a freshly blended embryo. It's just a good bowl of tonkotsu ramen when you need a quick fix.

I got a full 3 course meal for under $24, almost as much as one lonely average fish sando with no pickle or chips. This joint will be on my regular rotation since they are intown, now.

Since, the seafood sandwich seed has now been planted in my pea brain... I had a craving for another grouper sando. I saw this joint on my way to another joint, so, I turned around. The joint's name said it was a seaside grille but I searched all around and couldn't find the sea any where near this place. The closest water source was a raw sewage drainage on the corner. The parking lot was empty and the inside didn't looked open. Things like locked doors doesn't deter the Pouch from getting its fried vittles... Like that time I broke the door off at a Popeyes on Buford Hwy when I was in a cheekan trance... Wait, did I say that out loud? Nevermind, let's see what kinda seafood this place has to offer.

Grouper Sandwich (fried), toasted potato bun, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles and sweet potato fries, $13. Wow, a grouper sando with fries and loose greens for $13? Sounds reasonable to me... But what is that festering foaming orange jizzlobbery? I think I'll stick with the tartar packets on the plate. It's not a bad looking fried fish. The crust looks crispy but not too thick. Let's put this thing together and take a bite... The bun is your generic supermarket hamburger bun, it was tossed on the flat top for a second to give it the thin char ring around the edge of the bun, no butter was detected. The piece of lettuce was from the bottom of the head, thick and hard... That's what she said. I stroked it a bit and it was pretty much inedible, removed it and replaced with that loose spinach. The tomato slice was decent quality. Squirted a little tartar from the packet and away we go... Crunch. Yeah, the first bite had a nice crunch. Chewed and chewed and chewed to find a taste of the grouper. Nada, nothing. It was bland, unseasoned and tasted like nothing. I don't think it was even grouper. It's no secret that low rent fish fry joints subbed certain premium fish that looks great printed on menus with garbage feeders like tilapia and the common sea bass and most people don't even know any better. I used my imagination that I was eating grouper for the rest of the sando and it was still a let down. The sweet potato fries were quite good... Yeah, I have resorted to praising the side more than the main event on the plate.  

Shrimp Po'Boy, toasted hoagie, lettuce, tomato, remoulade sauce, Aunt Rose's mac & cheese, $12. Why do I torture myself like this but I had to do it. Doesn't look half bad, huh? But let's see what kinda bread is under all that slop..

WTF?! A generic hot dog bun? Is anyone even trying in here? I have seen better looking bread in a NYC public school cafeteria. If it ain't from Leidenheimer, it ain't a po'boy. I'm gonna eat the mac first because it's made by Aunt Rose... Dang, that is a pretty good mac & cheese. Aunt Rose is on point with her mac. Maybe she should have made the po'boy. OK, let's not rag on it until the Pouch has tried it. Took a bite, besides the obvious shitty hot dog bun, the fried shrimp was quite tasty, had good crunch and the shrimp had a nice bite and it didn't taste like it had been sitting in the walk-in for months, uncovered. The tomato slices were too thick and it just kept sliding out with each bite. It's not an authentic po'boy by any means but do you think the creastures from the sewers of Lilburn really care? Seriously, what's with that damn bubbling rancid smegma sauce? Avoid at all costs, it's just nasty. 

Fried Oyster Basket (6), coleslaw, hushpuppies, fries, $10. Once, again... The Pouch just can't help itself. OK, I'll admit I wanted to get the oyster po'boy, too, but after seeing that hot dog bun on the shrimp po'boy, it was a hard pass. But that doesn't mean I was gonna pass up some tasty fried oysters. I just wanted a sample so I got the small basket. They are some small oysters but the flaky crust didn't look half bad. It had a nice crunch and the oysters were surprisingly tasty... It's always a shot in the dark when you order shellfish at places like this and since, they were pretty much empty on this weekend you really can't tell how long the raw shellfish has been sitting around. The hushpuppies were dry and hard as a Everlasting Gobstopper and the coleslaw tasted like it was marinated in a HVAC condensation drip pan. Just when you thought it couldn't get anymore comical, they ran out of tartar packets and replaced it with ketchup packets to squirt on the oysters or maybe it was for the old fries... Does it really matter now?

Parmesan Grits. I originally asked for the parmesan grits with the oysters but they gave me some old brown bag fries instead. But the server was nice enough to get me an order anyway... It was creamy and cheesy and addictive. This might have been the best dish on this visit along with Aunt Rose's mac. 

The big question- Would the Pouch make a revisit? One word- Flush.

Friday, February 18, 2022

Chicken Sandwich Franchise Wars Part Deux

Is there still a chicken sandwich war going on these days? Or is there a chicken sando fatigue? Fuck no. You (and I mean me) can't have enough fried chicken in all shapes and sizes. The VID will never stop the Pouch from supporting the fowl industry even with the limited supply chain and labor shortage. 
Enough of the small talk... Let's get right to it and take a look at the next set of contenders (or victims) in no particular order... But the first one on the list still cracks me up... That fucking Guy. What a chode...

CHICKEN GUY! - The Sauce Boss.
This was the entrance at the Gatlinburg location... If you blinked you would miss it... Which I did and I had to turn around because I would do anything for my one fan... But I won't do that... Again. Their big gimmick here isn't the main attraction which you would think would be the chicken sando but it's the sauces... There's 22 fucking different sauces to choose from. And they all sound like crap. I saw a table with two mooks that literally paid $10 to try all the sauces @ 50 cents a piece. 2 sauces come with an order. 

2 Pieces of chicken tenders with LTOP & your choice of any two signature sauces. Look at that shit... Is it wearing a cabbie hat or is that a smooshed head of a Peking duck? If so, that is some lacquered skin! There's really nothing attractive about this cheekan sando... If this is even considered a cheekan sando since it's 2 fucking tenders in a bun. Maybe if we look at it from a different angle...

Eh, it looks a little better but not by much... Why am I so hesitant to put this in my snout? Maybe it's because the finely shredded lettuce reminded me of Guy's spikey hair. Bless his poor wife's heart who has to choke his chicken for her nightly marital duties... Ok, let's take a bite... That shit basically started to fall apart on the first bite with so many moving parts, it wasn't built solid enough to take the mouth beating by the Pouch. The tenders' crust were lightly coated but it did have a nice crunch to it. The chicken itself didn't have much flavor. Maybe that's why you get two sauces to mask it. It's a very average cheekan sando, not crave-worthy to warrant another... Let's take a look at the sauces I picked... More poor life choices.

Wasabi Honey. Holy shit was this watery... Why does it look like chive oil? I had to shake it up because the solids were all settled at the bottom. It tasted so bad, so fake, so chemically enhanced... Bro, it's fucking wasabi and honey, it's not rocket science even in Flavortown.

Avocado Crema. Barely a hint of artificial avocado flavor but it was creamy in pre-jack way. But still a snoozer.

This is like a list of characters from the Angry Birds movie... I'm not going to list every sauce here. You can go on his website and look at them...

Does this sound racist? I'm sure some woke mook will make it so.

How many fucking bags and wrappers does one cheekan sando need?

Holy shit, I see why it needed so many bags and wrappers, now... Squirt.

WTF is this Peter North jizz-lobbery? Is that a melted single-serve slice of processed cheese? What the fuck is that shit bleeding all over my sando? Turns out it was mayo. No wonder why that fat fuck at the pick up window was smirking when he handled it to me. C'mon, bro, fat fucks have to stick together! Safety in numbers and pounds.

I wiped (from front to back) off as much smegma as I could and flipped the cheekan patty over to make it look more appetizing... We all eat with our eyeballs first, even for this fat turd. Now, it looks more like a cheekan sando, barely...

Put it back together and did a side shot... Definitely, looks more edible. But how did it taste, Pouch? It tasted like shit... This was not good at all. Well, not as bad as McDonald's shit chix sando but this may be 2nd to last. It was dry as a fucking 90 year old woman. no wonder why they put on so much mayo, for lube, squirt. Don't even waste your time or money on this garbage. Next...

WENDY'S - Spicy Chicken Sandwich.
Pretty straight forward with the wrapper. It's normal sized like a regular old sandwich from anywhere USA.

Eh, where's the snooze button because the annoying beeping sounds is going off in my tiny head. Very average and boring looking. You can't even see the damn fried chicken patty.

So sad. It looks like it was made on a Ford assembly line from the early 1900's. Generic, bland and equally boring... A socialist's wet dream. Still can't see the patty... Let's peel away more layers like an onion... I'm still crying. Maybe I'll cry myself to sleep before I have to eat it.

Looks eerily similar to the McDonald's $1 McChicken. 

The side boob shot looks a little bit better, shows a bit more meat thickness. The overall taste and package is very very average. You forget about the whole ordeal after a minute has passed... Like you never ate it. Skip this side show and stick with their burgers which are much better.

BOJANGLES - Chicken Sandwich.
Lovely packaging, so vibrant and festivus! Making my facehole wet already...

I love the doodlings under the hood... They put some effort into this specimen. 

Finally, a cheekan sando that have some thickness and personality to it. The bun and crust looks pretty nice.

Lift the hood and peek those two saucy pickles.

That's a pretty nice piece of fried chicken patty. Not too much sauce like that BK cumstain, just a hint on here... So, I can pump some hot sauce on there.

Oh yeah, this is so much better than the others. The side boob shot is very nice and them breastses are hanging over the bun. Pretty much all there except for the nip slip. I don't care, I'm going all in... Fucking inhale this bitch in less than a minzie. Bo has done it again... These fuckers know fwied cheekan. Was it better than Popeyes? Hmmm... No fucking way, ese.

GRUB BURGER - OG Chicken Sandwich.
I know this ain't a fast food dump but it is a chain... And they have a cheekan sando. I had to have it... For my one fan. But look at that specimen... Looks pretty good.

That's a nice looking cheekan sando. Good amount of pickles and a very nice looking crust.

Side shot reveals all the secrets... Light crispy flaky crust and moist meat. This sando was good enough to order again... Just needs a good douse of hot sauce.

TIN DRUM - Koreano Sandwich and Panko Sriracha Sandwich.
I couldn't resist another chain that jumped into the cheekan sando wars... Even if they appropriated the KFC theme.

Panko fried chicken, Gochujang pepper sauce, pickled carrot & daikon, sesame oil, brioche bun. Fancy words does not make a tasty cheekan sando. The flaccid carrot & daikon seemed to be boiled down and then put into a vinegar jar. The Gochu pep sauce was cloyingly sweet like the fake orange sweet & sauce at slutty Chino joints. The chicken patty itself was over fried and way too hard to chew in an enjoyable way. 

Panko fried chicken, sriracha mango mayo, jalapeno drizzle, pickled ginger, brioche bun. How fucking much pickled ginger does one sando need? That portion is enough for a sushi boat for 4. And it wasn't even pickled. Almost looked like strips of bubblegum tape. I know y'all are waiting for the best part... What the fuck is that yellow mustard like substance? Supposedly, the sriracha mango mayo... It was more like Grey Poupon. Shit, it woulda tasted better if it was... Because I'm high-brow. Chicken patty was the same hard shit like the other. 

They both come with Tokyo fries... Which are brown bag crinkle cut fries and only good when they are hot, after they cool down, it's like chewing on gummy paste.

Ok, I don't know why I went back... Maybe because I forgot I went there the first time... Order the same exact shit with the sauces on the side. Was it a glitch in the Matrix? But this time it looked and tasted totally different... I ain't gonna be Jedi mind tricked back, again. I'm such a putz.

PUBLIX - Chicken Sando.
How fucking low rent can you go, Pouch?! Well, this oinker is no stranger to feeding at the bottom of the barrel... Of course, Publix had to get into the chicken wars... Jesus help the Pouch on this retarded demonspawn. I'm not down-syndrome with this...

I don't know WTF this is but it kinda looks like a Care Bear vag... OK, it's just a fucking chicken tender between two buns and they add bacon and sliced cheese to it. Were they inspired by Chicken Guy!?

This side shot makes it look like it was constructed with chicken nuggets and it was so underwhelming which is surprising because their tenders are usually pretty good... But their fried chicken is even better... Wait, here's an idea... Put a fried thigh between two buns, instead! Fucking winnah winnah cheekan dinnah!

I know my one fan has been wondering where the fuck has this fat chode been? Eating is hard. Finding good eats in the time of the VID is even harder. Every fucking menu in town is filled with the same bullshit generic items. It's just not worth wasting time and money on them. But don't worry, I still have a plethora of backed up beat off material that I still need to write up... Speaking of backed up... I need to evacuate all these cheekan sandos, STAT. 

Splash splash... Flush.