Cozy Coop

Anytime a new cheekan shack opens up, the Pouch can feel it like a fat twin can feel the other's IBS-D pain across the country. This new chicken spot opened in November and I felt the force of them frying chicken. The only reason why I didn't get there on opening day is because they are located in upstate GA, some bumpkin area known as Marietta... I call it Scarietta because they still lynch obeast slobs like me. But no matter how scary it is, that is still a long way to drive to be disappointed when Popeyes is only 5 minzies away. But the Pouch will always risk pouch and limb to report all that's fit to eat for it's one fan and only reader of this preposterous food blog... Especially, when it comes to fwied cheekan. I'm already facing the prospect of untimely death every time I eat a box of Popeyes in one sitting, a few hillbilly mossbacks in a jacked up Dodge Ram 2500 blowing black diesel smoke ain't gonna scare this fat fuck... That thick smoke will act like a Ninja smoke bomb to help the Pouch elude the redneck syndicate known as the Marietta Mullets. 

Enough of the dueling banjos... Let's see what the fuss is about their cheekan and... Git 'Er Dun! 

Crispy Chicken Sandwich, Cozy sauce, brioche, pickles, $5.99. Looks like a Tennessee Top Hat doesn't it? Yes, I cannot get the mullet theme out of my tiny pea brain. It's a nice looking cheekan sando but seems a bit drippy. The crust looks thin and crispy. Good amount of pickles and the brioche bun seems to be in good order... And could double as a North Carolina Neck Warmer in this ridiculous Atl-arctic weather.

Look at that Cozy sauce cascading down the side like a Kentucky Waterfall. The white breast meat patty was a bit thin and I was right with the thin crispy crust which is preferred. It was a tasty cheekan sando but nothing really that crave-worthy that I would battle the Ape Drape clan for another. 

Rib Meal, 1/2 rack, fried okra, cornbread, $13.95. Add 2 piece chicken (+$1.98). At first, I thought it was kinda weird to see a glazed Beaver Paddle on the plastic tray... Did some lumberjack get their flowing locks cut off in an epic battle out back? Then I realized it was just plain old ribs. I always thought it was kinda strange to see ribs at a chicken shack but after seeing this, it kinda makes sense. First off, the fried okra were pretty damn good, they fried them fresh, not from a brown bag. You have a choice of cornbread or a biscuit, the teenager at the counter said to get the cornbread since she's the in-house culinarian. It's a big square and it was a bit dry and mealy but serviceable enough. The ribs were tender enough and a tad dry but it did have a faint hint of a pink smoke ring... Very surprising since I thought they would poach them off in a Wisconsin Waterfall of liquid smoke and throw it in the oven to finish. Would I go back for them? Fuck no, unless you possess a Canadian Passport. OK, let's get a closer look at the main event... 

Dark meat cheekan is always the most flavorful. Their cheekan is pretty good. Very crispy thin crust, a tad salty but I drowned it with hot sauce so it didn't really matter. The cheekan was moist and juicy. It's a respectable fwied cheekan but not a destination... Some may consider it a Missouri Compromise when comparing the fwied cheekan at Walmart. I don't know how Popeyes does it so consistently but they are still the king of all fast casual fried chicken. 

If you're cruising around in your IROC-Z sporting a wife beater and a El Camino Headrest, stop by here if you're craving some decently priced fried chicken, but just watch out for the Walmart Wolverines on line in the drive-thru slinging mud around back. It may look like business in the front, but there's a party in the back... Don't forget to bring your Mississippi Mudflaps.

2500 Barret Creek Blvd

Marietta, GA 30066

https://www.cozyusa.com/

Bistro Niko

What the fuck happened to this place? I haven't been back in many many moons but the few times I have eaten here it was totally acceptable. Is it authentic French? Fuck no. But they were consistent and their techniques were totally satisfactory. I had an itch to see how they were doing these days after how the VID destroyed so many restos and they were still standing due to their solid financial backing from the Buckhead Life Restaurant Group. The VID ordeal created chaos in the service industry across the nation. A huge percentage of small mom & pop shops were destroyed thanks to shutdowns and government mandates... Only the big resto groups with unlimited funding survived while secretly modifying their menus smaller with cheaper ingredients and increasing the prices to keep their profit margins in check... Labeling cheap menu items with fancy names and the oblivious public didn't even bat an eye. Like P.T. Barnum famously said, "There's a sucker born with every bite." I know what y'all are thinking, that's not what the greatest showman said and y'all are right. I'm talking about Pouch Trough Barnum, the infamous fatman that will eat anything and then cry itself to sleep.

Let's get this over with quickly... Just like pulling off a band-aid. 

Traditional Country Pate, "Chef Gary's specialty", BN pickled vegetables, grain mustard, baguette toast. Gary's pate itself didn't look too bad. It had nice color, consistency and density. The flavor was fine, nothing that you would remember after they take the plate away. The grain mustard and cornichons aka "pickled vegetables" were spot on, what a stretch that was. The baguette looked ridiculous. Look at it, there's two normal slices and then some half midget pieces... And it was stale. This whole dish was forgettable. No Gnews is good Gnews with Gary Gnu.

Ahi Tuna Tartare, hass avocado, pickled ginger, soy. Why the fuck did I even order this... I already knew it would be a mess. Look at that plating... No passion whatsoever. Wait, is that a raw meatball or a rotten beet? Where's the avocado and ginger? They thought they could hide it with a sprinkle of micro-greens on top. And that nasty soy... What did they mix it with? Boogers? At least the baguette slices looked uniform in size... Wait, I spoke too soon... They were stale as well. I hate throwing tuna away but it was pretty bad. Ate half of it and pushed it to the side.

Steak Tartare Parisienne, watercress, toast points. Did they just redeemed themselves with this pretty good looking tartare? Almost... Those toast points were bright white like Baba Booey's horse teeth. They were stale and hard as a fucking marble countertop. I tried to snap one in half and it made me look weak like Napoleon Dynamite. They could use these fucking tiles to repair a stucco wall. The tartare was actually pretty good, a little bit too moist, but still decent. It was missing the yolk but maybe they mixed it in already since it was so "wet". So, I asked for some fresh toast points. They said they were all out and they brought out the same stale baguette but instead of slicing them into slices, they literally ripped it apart with their hands. It looked like a pile of rubble. I have never seen such a vulgar display of power! Someone must be having a bad day. I ate the tartare with a spoon like a schmuck eating pudding alone in the corner of a school yard. That watercress was useless with this, they shoulda paired it with cornichons or fries at least. 

Oysters on Ice, Bluepoint (LI Sound) and Barnstable (Cape Cod). Can they fuck up the oysters as well? Thank god, that's a fucking no... Unless they dropped it on the floor and put it back in the shell. Shit, rinse it at least... Even you can't hide pubic curlies and dirt under a sea snot. But luckily, these did look pretty good and plump. And they were fine. Thank baby Jesus they didn't have to cook these. 

Rillettes de Saumon, cold smoked fresh salmon spread, toast points. What the fuck is in that jar? Sea Monkeys? Whatever was in that jar was no spread. It looked like what you would fine inside a garbage disposal. It was big shards of pink bits with white smegma... Wait, was this a sample from the labiaplasty center next door? And this was just a gift that keeps on giving... Look what's hiding behind that jar... The same stucco tile toast points. Still hard as a fucking prison shiv. The only good thing about this was that it was in a jar that you could close up to stop the stench and avoid contracting salmonella.

Skate Wing, brown butter, nonpareil capers, spinach, steamed fingerling potatoes. Wait a minzies, am I still in the same place? This looked too good to be coming out of the same kitchen. The golden brown color was spot on even though the presentation wasn't perfect. A couple of ripped strands doesn't bother me if it tasted is good... And by the grace of the almighty marsupial gods, this tasted pretty good. The brown butter needed a little more heat but the capers made up for it. I don't even remember eating any spinach but the unseasoned potatoes were merely just filler. The skate wing was the star of this dish. Thank goodness this was the last dish, I don't think I can take anymore of their savage punches of crap to the pouch. 

I don't know what happened to this place but the entire joint just looked worn out all over... From the bartenders, the front of the house staff to the kitchen crew. They all just gave up. No wonder the service industry is starving for competent workers. They are just hiring anyone with a heartbeat. The senior citizen bartender looked like his retirement portfolio crashed to zero and he had to take a job again... That poor bastard. There was zero urgency to do anything. I almost walked out after sitting at the bar for 15 minutes without even a word from him. Don't worry lazy grandpa, I won't be back ever again...

Flush.

3344 Peachtree Rd NE

Atlanta, GA 30326

https://bistroniko.com/

Boho 115

The Square Pub has been around for about a decade in Decatur square until their demise in March 2020... Obviously, due to the VID, rising rents, parking issues and whatever the fuck else the Decatur dictators and overlords deem beneficial to them personally at the expense of small business owners. I was never a big fan of their menu but people to seemed to like it enough to keep it in business all those years. The primo location probably had a big part in their longevity. The space sat empty for a good bit until Boho 115 (a fish camp+bar) opened in February of 2022 with their seafood focused menu with nods from Spain, Argentina, Mexico and Mediterranean influences. Ceviche, octopus, shrimp cocktails, tacos, tostadas, roasted whole fish, jerk chicken, steak, fried seafood blank the menu but the most interesting items on the menu are the canned goods by the infamous Espinaler from Spain. 

Most gringos look down on canned fish and seafood just like with canned meats ie: SPAM. They think it's for poor people with no taste. But on the contrary, canned goods are prized items around the world. These suckaz are the ones with the palate of a billy goat. Some of the most delicious things are found inside cans... I dated this one broad with huge cans and I never ran out of milk and I cried like a baby when she broke up with me... Then my mom said you're 18 now, it's time to leave the house. Enough about my shady upbringing... We want to see food porn, Pouch! And we want to hear what colorful things you will say about it.

You axed for it, you got it...

Ceviche de Marisco, shrimp, octopus, mahi. This looks pretty good. I like the two toasted tortillas to scoop up the ceviche. Gotta admit everything in this dog bowl was quite tender and not chewy. It was seasoned well and not too acidic nor oily. Tis was a good snack for the Pouch.

Razor Clams (Trimmed), grilled with lemon. Of all the Espinaler canned goods on the menu, the razor clams is a no brainer. They said it can be grilled with lemon... Something was lost in translation because they grilled the lemon instead of the clams. Either way, the razor clams were dericious with or without the grilled lemon. It seems like the portion should be larger from the tin... I get the feeling the guy in the short shorts prepping it was taste testing a few of my razor clams or maybe he thought they were pizzle... Shiiiit, I know I fucking would with the garbage pay for the cooks these days. I remember the days of yore when I worked at the infamous 21 Club in NYC, I ate so many goddamn D'Artagnan foie gras lobes and Osetra caviar by the spoonfuls because the pay was total shit. I even dusted a whole lobe of foie with Wondra and deep fried the whole damn thing in the deep fryer. It was fucking dericious.

Gallega Octopus, spanish paprika, olive oil, sea salt, piquillo mash. I was pleasantly surprised by the nice meaty bite size octopus which well dressed with the paprika and oil. Every bite was flavorful and the octopus was tender which takes a skillful hand to not over cook it. The mild piquillo mash was fine but really didn't have that much flavor to it and didn't add any more value to this dish. Shit, just give me a few more pieces of juicy octopussy.

Fried Shrimp, classic cocktail sauce, spicy remoulade. Who the fuck would order this ubiquitous side show... This fat fuck sure didn't. Leave it to the gringo at the table to order the most tiresome snack ever... OK, if this was coconut skrimpz or sweet shrimp with the fried heads then I would congratulate the roundeye for ordering correctly. Look, it was fwied shwimpz... I still ate it because I'm a grotesque glutton. Have y'all ever seen a fatso push away food... Ever? No, I didn't think so.

 

I like this place. It's better than that local yokel dump before it. This was actually my second visit since my first visit was all about boozing at the bar. I would go back to try out more of the Espinaler tins...

115 Sycamore Street

Decatur, GA 30030

https://www.boho115.com/

Hai Authentic Chinese Revisit

It still surprises me that a pretty authentic Szechuan joint in Decatur is still doing steady business. This is a good thing. It means that the locals are actually developing a palate... Or they're just ordering the Americanized Chino dishes, they do have Mongolian beef and General Tso's cheekan on the menu. But either way, I'm good with it as long as they are still pumping out the spicy Szechuan grub. It's been awhile since I have graced their space with my presence, time to make a revisit. I hope I can still fit through the doors.  

Let's get right to it, more eating and less talking, Pouch...

Dry Fried Eggplant. They have totally skimped on this classic dish. They are cutting the eggplant like French fries nowadays. Smaller and thinner will cook faster but the portion are grossly smaller. They still taste good but not as good with the thicker cuts.

Spicy Beef Tendon. Pretty good portion and tasted like it should but it needs to be spicier. A lot more spicier for this fat slob's high temp facehole.

Wuhan Sesame Noodles. First time trying this dish because someone else at the table wanted it. The noodles are good but it needs a lot more sesame sauce and chili oil for the full flavor. It was pretty muted as is.

Bamboo Flounder Fish. Perfect size fish nuggets. Crispy and hot on the outside, flakey and moist on the inside. Just a great little snack.

Furong Chicken. Like with the noodles, this was a first for me. It just sounds so plain Jane on the menu but the chicken was silky and velvety. It's a nice dish if you have roundeyes at the table. It's safe.

Dry Fried String Beans. This dish is always so damn good. You just can't eat one.

Szechuan Basil Chicken. Guess who order this dish with the one gwailo at the table? They stir fry this and then wrap it in foil... Is that because they know no one eats this and is ready to take out. This dish is so boring and visually unappetizing. And this is coming from a fat fuck who loves anything with cheekan. I had a couple bites and the gwailo took it home. Naturally.

Dragon Eggplant in Spicy Garlic Sauce. This is one of the best looking veggie dish in all the lands. They should put this on a stick like that Tornado potato at state fairs. Not only is this good looking, it's also good tasting. Always a great crowd pleaser.
 

This place is still a great addition in an area where there is no shortage of Indian grub. Finding a good Chino spot in Decatur is a difficult task. Keep up the good work, dai goh!

2641 N Decatur Rd

Decatur, GA 30033

https://www.haieat.com/

Hiro Ramen & Tea Bar

I came here when it first opened and the ramen was decent if you needed a quick fix. The bubble teas sucked. I never wrote it up because I forgot about it 5 minutes after leaving the joint. So, it was about time to see what they are up to these days. Walked in and the entire place was redesigned. I had to do a double take to see if I walked into the right place. Sure enough it was but it was under new management. There were no customers in the entire place... Rut Roh. But it was cold and rainy day which called for a steaming bowl of noods. Let's see if the ramen will satisfy the fat one or will it just be a steaming bowl of shit...

Tonkotsu Ramen. It took like 30 minzies for 2 bowls of ramen to come out. But when it did, the Pouch immediately sensed something was amiss... The Pouch's Spidey sense has never failed the obeast one. When it starts tingling, you just gotta be warned. So, this bowl came out and even before the server had a chance to make contact with the table, I knew something wasn't right. The smell and color were dead giveaways. The first thing I always do with a bowl of noods is taste the broth. I tasted the tonkotsu broth and it had no flavor whatsoever. It was thin and watery. It tasted like dirty dish water. I have instant tonkotsu ramen at home and the powder soup base is 100 times creamier and thicker than this slop. There is no fucking way I was gonna eat this when they are charging $15. I just pushed it aside and waited for server to come back... Waited and waited, nothing. I got up and asked the front desk girl for the server. She asked what was wrong and I said the tonkotsu is awful. They were nice about it and took it away. But she did say that they were under new management and chef and they were still working things out. Working things out? If you want to use me as a guinea pig to test your shitty ramen then you shouldn't be charging for it. Shit, I wouldn't eat this if it was free... Unless you're a Yelper. I got the miso ramen as a replacement. Not really what I wanted but they had no other decent options.

Shoyu Ramen. The Pouchette got the shoyu ramen but the broth didn't look any better. It looked like just water down soy sauce. Tasted it and it literally had no evidence of the broth base either pork or chicken. Don't bother looking for the deep, complex, and high umami flavor. It was literally just water, sugar, MSG and soy sauce. The funny thing is that hard-boiled soy egg was so white even with it sitting in the soy sauce soup. The paper thin chashu slices were acceptable. I was surprised that they even had menma in there. Shoyu usually calls for curly ramen noodles but they can't even get that right. But the straight ramen noodles themselves were actually pretty good. This bowl's composition was not correct at all.

Miso Ramen. This replacement bowl came out in like 2 minutes, all I could think of was how many people spit in it, hmmm. All that brown in a white bowl only reminds me of one thing... Flush. Sadly, it will probably look exactly the same coming out. Tasted the miso broth... Eh, it was better than the tonkotsu at least. And that's not saying much. It's like replacing a slice of Cici's pizza with one from Little Caesar's, it's a parallel move, you're not moving up any higher in the food chain. First off, the broth was warm not hot. The soy egg was not fully hard at least... I don't think anyone would get fully hard eating this snatch, not even a blood flow. The noodles were good like with the shoyu. They are using the same noodle for everything. The chashu looks a little suspect to me... Let's take a closer look...

What. Da. Fuck. This may be the most comical short cut I have ever seen. They just charred the top half with a flame thrower. It made it bitter tasting. They should just call all their ramen bowls- Murphy's Law ramen. 

I will never come back to this dump. Based on the amount of people (0) inside the place they will probably change management again by the end of the year. Or better yet just close it down and let someone else with talent have the space. But who knows they may stay around forever like that god awful Brew and Bird at the other end. How is that place still in business with no business... It must a cartel front to launder money. Wait, are we in the Ozarks? Oh, I meant Lake Lanier.

1363 Clairmont Rd

Decatur, GA 30033

The Bite of Korea (BOK)

BOK have been doing a bunch of pop-ups over the years around Atlanta and now, they finally got a brick and mortar location. The location they selected was quite surprising to me... Tucker. Really? The palate of the demographics there aren't exactly that adventurous. But nonetheless, I applaud them for doing something not in midtown, westside, EAV, Inman Park, Grant Park, etc etc... Those areas have been so saturated with so much garbage that I avoid them like the Golden Corral. People always ask me, Pouch, have you been to any of the new places that opened up in Atlanta? I always tell them, Fuck No! Have you read any of the menus? It's totally shit. Pigs with lipstick. They are using the cheapest ingredients they can find and gussying them up to make the dishes look and sound fancy on the menu while charging highly marked up prices. Don't give me that shit about high food cost and supply chain issues anymore... The pandemic has been declared by the Big Guy over months ago. C'mon, man, the economy is strong as hell! Wow, it really was just transitory... Suckaz. 

OK, let's get back on track to what's most important here... The Corean vittles in Tucker. When I walked in, I was pleasantly surprised that it was a real restaurant, not some self serve counter service, fast casual joint. They had real tables, servers and a bar! I was giddy as a school girl until they put me at a tiny table in a dark corner like some dive bar's toilet stall. I'm like wait a minute here, my auntie, Rosa Parks, fought for my civil rights to not sit in a latrine while dining on overpriced food. I asked if the bar was opened for dining and they said yes. I grabbed the menu and glass of water and race walked my fat ass over there, I haven't moved that fast since Popeyes announced last call. 

The place was about half full but the kitchen was in the weeds... I thought about leaving but since, they just opened, I'll give them a chance and keep it simple. Let's take a first look...

Banchan, soybean sprouts, kimchi, spicy cucumber. They were actually pretty decent. The kimchi was the best out of the three... And they were nice enough to give you 2 or 3 more servings upon request. Bar service is always the best.

Sodduk Skewer, flash fried rice cake with pork sausage, gochujang sauce, honey mustard drizzle, $6. This was a cute street food snack. It looks so plasticky but it was actually quite tasty. I would get this again. But the cheese corn for $7 I saw on another table is just a sad joke they keep playing on the roundeyes... And they keep coming back for more. Suckaz!

Korean Fried Chicken (boneless), yangnyeom (sweet & spicy) glazed KFC, double fried for extra crispiness, pickled radish and rice, $17. When this came out, I was like did the Colonel or the General make this? KFC or GTC? For $17, this was pretty much a rip off when you could go to any Chino hole in the wall and get their General Tso's or Sesame cheekan lunch/dinner combo with flied lice, eggroll, wing and soup for under $10. It tasted fine but nothing that will get this fat cheekanhead to come back for another serving. The pickled radish were weak, needed more sugar, vinegar and time. Jesus, thinking about it now, I coulda got a spicy 10 piece box of Popeyes, a spicy cheekan sando and their new blackened cheekan sando for the same price. Wait, if they start doing a BONE-IN KFC, then I would totally go back and get sucker punched in the nads, again. The shit I do for my one fan...

Japchae Noodle & Bulgogi Plate, traditional pan fried glass noodles with sauteed veggies, bulgogi ribeye steak, onions, carrots and rice, $17. WTF is this? OK, the japchae looked acceptable but what's with the color of the bulgogi... Did they steam it or boil it? It looked like the skin on a Mexican hairless after you throw boiling water on it. Look at that, it had no color, no marinade, not even a squirt of sauce afterwards to trick me into thinking it was made correctly. The more I look at that bulgogi, it reminds me of the toxic waste thug in Robocop. The japchae was the only thing that was edible and tasted good. Skip the bulgogi, keep the rice, it had more flavor.

I like that they have a brick and mortar spot in the fast developing area of Tucker and I hope they do well but they need to fix a few things before they can sucker me back there. Antico just opened their newest location in the same strip mall... I swore I would never go back to that shithole but that's another pending review...

4650 Hugh Howell Rd

Ste 670

Tucker, GA 30084

https://www.biteofkorea.com/

Frida's Taqueria

Sometimes, the fat underlord of slop finds a joint that is so good that it doesn't want the public to know about it... But that is a double edge sword. One side will keep the Pouch happy with no tourists and limit the crowd if there is no glowing review about it, but the risk is that they may shutter due to lack of business. The other side is to post about it and possibly risk the place getting slammed the minute after I hit the submit button. C'mon, Pouch, who are you kidding? You have one reader and that one fan may or may not read your post until next month. 

Fuck it, I'm gonna post this review anyways. I have passed by this place many times but if you don't look for it you will miss it. It's hidden in the corner of a crappy strip mall off Lawrenceville Hwy in Lilburn. I know what y'all are saying, where the fuck is Lilburn? I hear ya, bro. The only landmark that people may know on L'ville Hwy is the Hindu temple, BAPS Shri Swaminarayan Mandir. The entire thing is made of white stone. I have neve been inside but there is a vegan cafe in there... Vegan. Well, anyways, this taqueria is adjacent to it. 

It's a cute little place but I don't care about cute, I care about the grub that will be going into the pouch. Let's take a quick look at the comidas...

Lengua Taco, $4.50. Eating the chunky bits of tongue is like French kissing a heifer. Sooo, everybody does that. Yeah, but daddy says I'm the best at it. This may be one of the best lengua tacos I have had anywhere. You can see what you're eating and the tongue was tender, juicy and flavorful. The hand made corn tortilla was spot on and it held together well through the last bite. I could eat like 10 of these. Just so damn tasty.

Picadillo Empanada, ground beef and potatoes, $3.50. Who the fuck jizzed on this? No matter, it's just protein. This is a new look for the lowly empanada. It tasted great, crispy dough and savory beef inside. No complaints here. I used the little red salsa on pretty much everything I ordered. They also have their home made hot sauces. There's one that is pretty damn spicy. Pouch likey. 

Elote, $3. Street corn has been all the rage the last couple of years. You see all these gringo joints appropriate this classic Mexican street food but they will never get it right... This joint gets it right and it's just plain good street food.

Tacos de Birria, birria broth, $12.95. Most places only give you two birria tacos but this place is doing one better, they give you three. And the "consomme" is just ridicously good. It's full of flavor and chunks of beef in there, too... It's a meal in itself. The birria tacos were some of the best I have had recently, too. Most places the tacos are so soggy you can't even pick it up. I prefer to dip them myself and these were perfect. Everybody is doing birria these days but this place does it so damn good for the right price.

Gorditas, Rajas con Queso, $3.50, Asada, $3. They call these "small stuffed corn tortillas"... Small? They look as plump as this fat ass. Man, those hand made corn tortillas are so damn good, I can't get enough of them. The asada was even better once you hot sauce them but the roasted poblano, corn and cheese one was the real winner... I ate everything I ordered which makes me a wiener, a girthy one.

This joint is worth the drive to Lilburn. Everything I have tasted were dericious... Wait up, hold up a minute here, are we in Bizarro World? Htrae? The Pouch didn't have one bad thing to say about this joint? Holy shit, there must be a god. The cat is out of the bag on this taqueria, now... Just don't all bum rush my new favorite little place. OK, my one reader? There is always the vegan cafe at BAPS.

5514 Lawrenceville Hwy

Suite A, Lilburn, GA 30047

www.fridastacos.com

Santo Cantina + Cocina

Atlanta is full of Mexican't dumps that targets the gringos' pedestrian and fragile palate... The roundeyes love them some LatinX white queso, pulverized guacamole, quesadilluhs, ground beef, fajitas, hard shell and flour tortilla tacos... Basically, nothing authentic or spicy. I'm not saying that shit is bad... It's like slutty Chino grub, we all know that garbage ain't real Chinese food but when you're drunk, hungover or high as a motherfucker, a General Tso's cheekan with thick cloying HFCS brown sauce with crappy fried rice and a fried cheekan wing on the side tastes like heaven. That's the same with Mexican't grub, it's slutty moistback comidas... And it has it place in society. Finding a decent semi-authentic Mexican joint intown is an adventure. 

I was riding around Avondale and missed my turn on North Clarendon Ave and I went past the Stratford Pub... I mean nobody ever goes east past the Stratford unless you made a mistake.. Lord knows I have made many wrong turns in my measly life, all of them mistakes and the big guy never throws me a bone. But this turned out to be a good mistake because I noticed a new-ish Mexi joint just a block down called Santo Cantina. I'm like sheeeeeit, what is this place? I need to investigate... It's a cute little place and y'all know that the smaller the dump, the better the food... Well, usually... Let's go take a first look... OK, first off, I must admit that the gringo at the table really really wanted the white queso so we got it and I shoulda took a picture of it but I didn't want to make fun of him because that would be mean... Because the Pouch is such a sweetheart... (cue vomit noise).

Birria Tacos (Jalisco), crispy tacos with spiced beef stew, served with Jalisco au jus. Ah fuck... When I saw this on the menu, it was a no-brainer. C'mon, man, how can you not get the most trendy taco in this one horse town... The birria "wet" taco has become legendary status the last couple years in da ATL. It comes with the standard accoutrements... Let's take a closer look at this Mexi moist meat flap...

Why do all tacos remind me of my ex's... That's because I had low standards... Did I say that out loud? Eh, fuck it, no one reads this garbage blog anyways, it's like talking to my wall nightly, no one will hear a word. But look at this specimen, it's actually quite lovely. Look at that cheese oozing out but yet firm and holding together. Dipped it in the "au jus" and took a bite... Not too shabby. The au jus wasn't all that flavorful but it did it's job. The birria taco was pretty good, the savory stewed shredded beef with the cheese and the solid corn tortilla held together well and took each bite like a champ without falling all apart. I don't know what's going on with that salsa verde thingy but I poured a little bit on it and it really didn't do anything to enhance the taste. This version is better than most found intown... I tried the one at Antiguo Lobo in Chamblee but it wasn't worthy of a solo review, meh.

Rice and Refried Beans. These two ubiquitous sides that come with every gringo combo meal are usually bland and flavorless, their sole purpose is to fill and expand in your pouch and give you a Mexi muffin top... Hmm, now I know why so many LatinaX's have a FUPA like this fat chode. Let's get back on track here, Pouch... I tell y'all what, these two side were really good, the rice was seasoned very well and the refried beans didn't taste like it came out of a lead lined can, even if it did. WTF is wrong with you, Pouch? You're gushing about fucking rice and beans... So? I have empathy for low rent filler.. 

Mole Ojo Rojo with chicken (breast or leg and thigh), sesame, onion, sour cream, grated fresh panela cheese, Mexican rice, refried beans. Holy mole, this was a pretty nice presentation. It's a nice change to see a Mexi joint that puts thought and care on plating their dishes in a visually appetizing way. Most places just slop it on the well worn plate, throw it in the oven for 5 minzies and send it out piping hot to kill any residual bacteria from last week's leftovers mixed in with the new batch. I know it's Mexi grub but it looks clean, fresh and vibrant. The gringo got this with.. What else? Breasts instead of the leg and thigh which we all know is way more flavorful... But I digress, roundeyes fucking love cheekan breasts. I had to have a taste of this... Even with the breasts, it was quite tender and the thick mole did a great job on enhancing the bland white meat. I'm going to order this next time with leg and thigh and I already know it will be 10 times better. 

Baja Fish Tacos, lettuce, tomato, habanero cream. Fish tacos are always hit or miss. Grilled fish tacos always comes out broken apart and pain to eat with everything falling out... So, fried has been my default ever since. I think they said it was Mahi-Mahi and they offer them in corn or flour tortilla, I asked for one of each because fatties like variety. They give you a decent amount of fish in each taco. But somehow the habanero cream only made it on one taco and the other was totally naked with a little monkey dish of some salsa-esque to put on it. I think the cook plating this was snorting lines on the line... I may need a bump, ese. I like the double ply of corn tortilla but their corn tortillas are pretty sturdy already. The single ply flour tortilla is standard issue. The fried fish was seasoned pretty well and it was crispy, the breading was not too thick which is always preferred. It's a very decent fish taco but I would try their other dishes before reordering these, again.

I like this place, it's a local mom & pop shop that seems like it's getting good support from the community. It's pricey than most Mexi joints but the quality is a lot better. If you want a cheap speedy Gonzalez combo, go to La Parilla, El Azteca, El Ponce, On the Border or the handful of other Mexican't joints littered across the Atlanta landscape. With the record high inflation, you may not be going every week but once a month is totally doable.

Pump pump... Ole!

31N S Avondale Plaza

Avondale Estates, GA 30002

https://santoatl.com/

**BONUS Footnote Review-

Antiguo Lobo- Birria Tacos. I wasn't in love with this place but the sloppy birria tacos were acceptable if you needed a quick gringo taco fix (the service sucks ass)... I came here after I drank myself silly at DOMA (Distillery of Modern Art) around the block. DOMA fucking ROCKS. Lobo fucking lazy.

Baby Al's Chicago Dog

I binged the entire season of The Bear in one night and I was jonesing for an Chi-talian beef and Chi-dog... There is just no good Chicago grub in this one horse town. I looked around online but there was nothing... Then I remembered there was a hole-in-the-wall dump in the woods of Lilburn called Baby Al's and they had Chi-town grub... It's a big gamble to drive to Lilburn for some Chicago street food but I couldn't just drink a whole bottle of Malort alone on an empty pouch and then cry myself to sleep afterwards... I may not wake up. Fuck it, let's burn some expensive fossil fuels and get some overpriced fraudy Chi-slop. I need to satisfy my curiosity and fill the abyss AKA the Pouch...

I love the simplicity of their menu... Less items usually means better quality. They can focus more on each item with care and do it right.

Why is there a Nashville Hot Chicken sando on the menu at a Chicago beef and dog joint? And why am I tempted to get it?

Italian Beef Sandwich, on Turano bread either wet or dry in the au jus with giardiniera peppers or sweet peppers. Did they say Turano bread? I just squirted a little in my underpants. Oh, fuck yes... Come to find out that Turano bakery has a location in Villa Rica, GA. Now, I had to have one, not that I wasn't gonna get a Ginzo beef sando anyways. So, I ordered a light dip so it wouldn't be all soggy and breaking apart. What da fuck is that creasture? It looked like elbow skin from a 80 year old hag with maggots festering between the flaps. Why is that roll so fleshy looking? Did they put SPF 100 on it? I don't think they finished baking that French Roll. Jesus, why do I always get fucked... Maybe because I'm obeast and people always look down on me... Fuck me, even Brendan Fraser laughs at me and he's the fucking Whale! 

Ok, back this specimen, it just doesn't look very appetizing does it? I asked for both giardiniera and sweet peppers and of course there was a upcharge. I also asked for a light dip but I think they dropped it in the jus bucket and try to fish it out with a dirty hippie sandal. I guess I'll have to treat it like when I hook up with a fat chick from Steak 'n Shake... Beauty is a light switch away... Have y'all even seen two cows bumping uglies in the light? It's just udderly revolting. Click. And I ate this in the dark and pretended that I was back at Al's #1 Italian Beef... But I could not get the image of that sloppy mons pubis out of my pea brain and my brain kept zooming in on that image with every sloppy bite. I had to stop eating it halfway through and the Pouch never quits halfway eating anything. But this did me in. I couldn't eat this anymore... I shoulda just stuck with the Nashville Hot Chicken sando instead at this Chicago joint...

Chicago dog, Vienna beef frank with mustard, relish, chopped onions, tomatoes, pickle spear, celery salt and sport peppers on a poppy seed bun. Just when I thought they couldn't fuck up any more than that disgusting Eyetalian beef sando, they go ahead and redeem themselves with this perfectly made Chi-dog ran through the garden... The snap of the casing on that Vienna frank hit the spot and everything else went down well. All the fillers were bright and vibrant and the poppy seed bun was spot-on unlike that nasty beef roll.

Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna come back to this joint, ever again... It's just too far to drive to be disappointed again. Now, I need to go back to Skip's in Avondale for another try, I haven't been back in many many moons but it's a shorter drive to be disappointed.

529 Indian Trail Lilburn Rd NW
Lilburn, GA 30047

http://www.babyalschicagodog.net/

La Mei Zi - Long Overdue Revisit

I still remember the days of yore when this location was called Chicken World... It was a deplorable LatinX-Wing joint in this one Bantha town. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I walked into that cantina once many many moons ago hoping for some dericious spicy Latin wings but the immediate stench made me throw up in my mouth that tasted like bad menudo... That was a first for the Iron Pouch. It was dark, musty, moldy and damp... I felt my midi-chlorians draining from my immense force and girth. Where the fuck is Yoda to lift me out of that swamp? I used what little force I had left and turned around and went out the door and swore never to come back... Until years later when that Mexican't dumpster fire finally closed up shop and the new tenants did a total transformation of the shithole into a bright and modern space serving Taiwanese vittles. All the dishes sampled were more than acceptable with some exceptional like the Chinese okra with crabmeat and roe... Then the VID hit for a couple of years and I haven't been back since until recently. So, did anything change for the worse or better or stayed the same? Well, let's go and see if the Pouch will throw up and shit its underpants or will it become an even fatter fuck from eating everything... One thing's for sure, the prices have all creeped up as with any resto across the lands but not as extreme as some dumps taking advantage of the pandemic and making bank on suckaz emotions playing the victim... I'm fat and unsightly but y'all don't see me crying woe is me...

Taiwanese Salt & Pepper Chicken with Basil. Still pretty damn good... The portion is still abundant and the fried basil are vibrant.

Braised Beef & Scallion with Hoisin Sauce in Roll. These beef rolls have always been a crowd pleaser... The roundeyes fucking love these things. Put in two orders if there's gwailos around.

Stewed Minced Pork with Dry Noodles. The Dan Dan Noodles have always been a smart move but recently they have been a let down... So, stick with the minced prok noodz... They are still good as ever. 

Eggplant in Garlic Sauce with Pork. Eggplant in garlic sauce always pairs up well with pork but chicken and beef works as well. The secret to this dish is the garlic sauce- savory and sweet at the same time.. Don't forget to put some chili oil in it for that extra kick in the nads.

Stewed Chinese Okra with Crabmeat & Roe. The availability of this amazing dish is always a crapshoot, sometimes its available and sometimes its not... But this corpulent slug was in the favor of the obeast gods today and this dish was available... This is easily one of the best dishes on Bufo Hwy but I have observed that the gringos don't fully understand what treasure they have in front of their snouts... Good! More fucking oriental okra and crabmeat and roe for this chunky Chino! Stick with your potstickers you porkers, the other white meat... 

Spicy Mapo Tofu with Pork. Every time I see this on the menu, I gotta order it... It's just in my DNA (donuts always) to respect my ancient paw-paws. Every thing about this classic dish is homey comfort food.. This will always be my go to fat girl's dish. It's savory, spicy and soft... Mix all that shit in a bowl of rice and I'll be falling asleep like a pig in shit... Sometimes literally.

Braised Fried Tofu with Broccoli. OK, no self-respecting lard ass slant would order something so low rent as this with broccoli. The crackers at the table didn't want something so ethnic... At a Chinese resto on Bufo Hwy... Imagine that. There's a Panda Expwess at the Atlanta Hartsfield Latoya Jackson Intergalactic Spaceport and Nail Emporium, grab some orange cheekan and fly your pale ass back to Ohio... But I digress. I was open minded and let them roundeyes order it anyways... But I did suggest the fried tofu vs the soft. It turns out the fried tofu in the savory brown sauce was better than expected and of course the whities gobbled up the broccoli.

Three Cups Chicken. Y'all knew this fat cheekan lipz had to get fwied cheekan... The classic 3 cup chicken... But the portion didn't seem like they used 3 cups. No matter, the chicken pieces were dericious and the gringos didn't eat as much of this dish so the puffy Pouch over indulged and was fully satisfied. So damn guud.

Yes, this joint is back and running at full speed. Git yo lardasses back to this place before the Pouch eats the entire inventory of Chino okra with crabmeat and roe... Fuck me, that dish makes me squirt every time I think about it.

Pump Pump...

SPLASH.