Legal Sea Foods

What should be illegal is the friggin lobsta roll at $23!!! I have been chasing for a nice piece of tail in Atlanta for years and have yet found one to proudly wrap my mouth around it.

Steamhouse's version might as well be a fake crabstick on a hot dog bun with drippy rancid butter... And now, Legal Sea Foods attempted but failed as well. While the bun was buttery and nicely toasted, the innards just didn't have that ol' so fwesh from da sea taste. This specimen was bottom of the fridge cold, bland, barely dressed and more claw than tail. The fwies and coleslaw were less than conversation. Meh.

Lobster Roll

Fried petite clams w/ bellies

New England Fwied Clams - Whole-bellied, sweet and petite. That might sound wonderful... Mebbe, if you were in a trailer park. These fried snot were one step up from HoJo's clam strip dinner. More crust than anything... And the whole-bellies? Hell, I have more belly poking out from under my shirt.

New England Clam Chowda - All in all, a decent chowda. At least it's not minced clams. But there's consistency issues here, one day is pretty damn tastee, another is meh.

The only things I would go back to try is the lobster bake, steamed littlenecks, crabmeat roll or fish n chips. But at those prices, I think I hear the Captain calling.

*Sigh*

275 Baker St NW
Atlanta, GA 30313
(678) 500-3700
www.legalseafoods.com/

Mini Hot Pot

If you have been boozing for 3 days straight... This is the cure for your nasty fwend, the hangover. Bitch slap it with crap in a pot and all it's glorious goodness.

They don't skimp on the rabbit food department but the frozen meats and seafood chum entrees are kinda chincy. No worries, just order a few side orders and that cauldron will be overflowing like New Orleans. There's so much going that you might not fit everything in there, just don't forget to dip your balls in the sultry broth. There's so many balls to choose from... Beef, pork, cattle fish, snow fish, beef tendon or the Fuzhou fish ball. How many balls can fit in that little can of booty essence you may ask... We may never know.

But I know Mini Hot Pot will be my BFF after those long weekends of debauchery and fudge wrassling.

Burp.

4897 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30341
(770) 458-8882

Aja

I don't know if I should be offended or laughing at this disgraceful display of the stereotypical Ajan theme. The only things missing is a coolie with a rickshaw and a railroad station. I wonder if they do their own laundry out back. The over-use and mis-use of Chinese characters is dizzying. Everything in here is so cliched and gaudy, from the interior design to the food, it's so circa 1977. It can be summed up in 3 words: Crap In Wok.

The over-priced menu is a mish-mash of your favorite Pan-Ajan craptastic hits. Sushi, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Indian... Only things missing is Korean fwied chicken and Steely Dan Dan noodles. The sushi rolls are forgettable, the dim sum should be called dum dum, the mains sound like Panda Express' finest and the dwinks are weak ass half-pours. The dim sum carts leaves a vapor trail of rancid fish funk in it's wake.

Robster and Shwimp Wontons - How the hell are these things dried to a crisp in a steam cart? I think they "rob" us of the lobster in there.

Shrimp Dumplings in rice paper - The key word here is "dumps". String these shrimp beads together and you could have a nice pearl necklace.

Pan-Fwied Pork Pot Stickers - There's more words in the name than on the plate. Chili soy sauce was more of a reduced syrupy glaze. Goto Super H and get a bag full for half the price.

Minced Chicken Lettuce Wraps - The hair helmet size lettuce broke apart when you tried to fold them. Hell, just give me some Tostitos Scoops instead.

I rather watch two girls and finger than be subjected to eating this crap in a basket again. Isn't it politically incorrect to have a giant buddha in da middle of the dining room... What are they trying to say? That Ajans are big, fat, yellow, bald f-cks that can't stop grubbing with that shit eating grin? ...Jesus Henry Christ, help me.

"Aja
When all my dime spendin' is through
I get the runs from you"

Splash.

3500 Lenox Rd NE
Ste 100
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 231-0001

www.heretoserverestaurants.com/

Craft

MARKET ain't got nuthin' on Craft...

Two words: Fwee Valet.

Celebrity chefs never impress me and their food even less. Their focus is on conquering as many locations as possible... AKA selling out. Hero worship has been at an all time high with this new-fangled widget called television and Top Chef is the Bible. Their followers are like ravenous zombie dogs that would eat shit on a shingle and declare it the best thing in their pieholes since the foie gras milkshake.

Our group of savvy snackers ventured out on the opening night to see what the fuss was all about and see how Tom Colicchio measured up... I say about 3 apples high. Family style group dining is totally the way to go. You can order basically everything on the menu to sample. Hell, my plate looked like Jackson Pollock's #1 with 6 different apps, mains and sides... This could very well be Craft's shit on a shingle. Let me tell you what, it was better than a liver smoothie which made me do a #2.

Some highlights include...
Pork Belly- Like a warm stick of butta that melts down your throat... Tila Tequila would approve. Yum.

Beet Salad- This is one smear I have no problem putting in my mouth. Slurp.

Braised Short Ribs- Fork you! And I sure did... Fork tender and rich in flavor. Mmm.

Prosciutto Wrapped Monkfish- This is my kinda surf and turf. Ain't no poor man's lobster around here... Not at that price!

Tortellini- Not overly rich or heavy. Just the perfect balance of bite vs sauce.

Shroom Risotto- My low carb diet went outta the winda, didn't even have to think twice.

The gratin, fingerlings, gnocchi, parsnips, sprouts, swordfish, cod, scallops, peppers, cabbage, spinach and peekytoe "poquito" crab were all well prepared and seasoned. The only thing that annoyed me was the over use of chives sprinkled on most of the dishes. The duck looked great but a tad bit overcooked but it doesn't mean it ain't going in my pouch! The musical desserts were as comical as finding "Chef" during service.

The place is gorgeous and not cookie cutter like all the other trendy joints with craptastic food around town. This place means business and the warm wood accents all around got me more excited than Pinocchio telling a lie. You don't have to be a venture capitalist to afford to eat here... Well, mebbe just a lil Financier.

This may put Atlanta one step closer to becoming a true culinary destination.

To be continued...

BURP!

3376 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 995-7500

www.craftrestaurant.com

LOLA

I ate here one night down in new SoBu
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola

I walked thru the door and she asked me my name
I asked her where I was and in a dark brown voice she said LOLA

Well I'm not the world's most corpulent guy
But when I squeezed my thighs I nearly split my pants
Oh my LOLA
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why the veal was a breast and chicken a steak
Oh c'mon LOLA

Well we drank Penfolds and grubbed all night
Under electric candlelight
She filled me up and drank to my kneez
And said fat boy won't you go home now pweez
Well I'm not the world's most heavyset guy
But when I looked at my belly well I almost said Hola
Oh no LOLA

I pushed the dried out potatoes away
I wobbled to the door
I almost hurled on the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at my pouch

Well that's the trendy way that they want it to stay
And it will always be that way for Tom's LOLA
Oh boy LOLA
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up bathroom inside LOLA
Only in Atlanta Georgia

Well I left Hong Kong just a week before
And I'd never had a cold grilled Octopus like this before
But LOLA smiled and took me by the fridge
And said dear boy I'm gonna open you another can

Well I'm not the world's most epicurious man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I like cured ham
At LOLA

2.5 Stars.

3280 Peachtree Rd
Ste 150
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 892-9292

www.heretoserverestaurants.com/

BB's Wings

Sometimes, dumpy filthy old gas stations hold hidden gems inside... This is not one of them. There's a reason why the pisser is located 2 feet away. Hell, this dump could very well been the second stall for all we know. But sometimes you gotta say... WTF?! It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.

Wings are their "claim" to porcelain fame but they also have cheesesteaks, gyros, sammies, fried rice, fwies and other IBS hits.

Wings - With 18 flavors or so, decided to get it naked with hot sauce on the side. Thank God I practice what I preach because this hot sauce was bloody oily and curdled, this petri dish specimen should be sent to the CDC for analysis. The wings were small, dried out and you could taste the vintage of the gwease... It was aged for at least 2 months. Ghastly.

Fried Rice - Fwied Wice, Flied Lice... No matter how you say it still taste as lame. Shouldn't the rice be fried in the wok and not beforehand? My mistake was to watch the Toxic Avenger cook the grub in this "open kitchen"... And witnessed a tired old plate of rice, brown in color, taken straight from the fridge...uncovered. I think it was supposed to go into the trash but somehow it ended up in my order instead. If I wanted dried up brown rice, I eat it straight from the bag. Horrid.

Fries - A pure study in moppishness. Our Freedom is in jeopardy. Limp, tasteless and defeated. Re-Animator couldn't bring this thing back to life. Absolutely lurid.

I can only assume BB stands for Buffalo Butt but they should rename it to Bye Bye Birdie cuz I'm outta here!

FLUSH

2911 Buford Hwy Ne
Atlanta, GA 30329
(678) 237-0106

MARKET

Why on God's gween earth would anyone pay 16 clams to valet park? And then Grease those fools on top of that as you get in your car. This ain't Manhattan pal, it's friggin Buckdead but I still got Jedi Mind twicked by a bunch of Beauty School Dropouts...

So, this new Jean-Georges resto is located inside the new "W" Buckhead and it's pretty... Pretty banal. Don't get me wrong, it's designed real purdy but it's pretty much like every other hip and trendy joint in town that the house frowls from OTP would enjoy. Give the booth seat to the lady and suffer the cold hard chair because it's the gentlemanly thing to do, forget about kids in the future. The paper place mat is nicer than the ones at Waffle House but it's still a paper place mat. The standout were the wine glasses, they were designed beautifully and kept the swirl spillage to a minimum... So much I can say for the bathrooms which are upstairs, yes, 2 flights up. Plan ahead, for the head.

The menu is not too extensive which is a good sign of not having half-cooked dishes ready to be fired and out the door in 5 minzies. The wine menu was very reasonably priced and the Cotes du Rhone carafe was tasty. How's da gwub you ask? It's aight.


Bacon Wrapped Shrimp - One word: Bacon. The shrimp was a bit over cooked because of their small size but I kinda expected it. Avocado slices and passion fruit mustard were kinda boring.
Peekytoe Crab Cake - That crab was playing peeky-boo instead because I don't see you or taste you. Filler of croutons and chopped up shwimp inside a wet stringy mass. I bet you can find more lumpy crabs at the valet stand.
Steamed Skate Wing - Looked great on paper but so did Marxism. It was spongy and the spaghetti squash was mushy. The fumet/jus poured table side was wet and brown, it just made it even mushier. No need for Fixodent, just forget it because the tooth-challenged would have no problems gumming this down.

Glazed Beef Short Ribs - It looked like Mr. Hanky doing the backstroke in the carrot puree and leaving a trail of Honshimeji shrooms in his wake. Fork tender but a bit too sweet.

Celebrity chefs are good cooks but when their focus is all about multiplying their resto empire and not the food... At least have wabbit on the menu, pweez!

2.5 Stars.... for now.

*Sigh*

3377 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 523-3600

www.marketbuckhead.com/

When they laid the 'ZA before us, the first thing that came to mind... Was it a fwat, I mean a fraternity paddle? This thing could do some damage... And it did to my marsupial pouch.

I just don't get this oblong shape that's popping up in all da new style pizza/flatbwead joints. The server asks... "Do you want a square piece or a corner one?" "Huh? Don't worry about it sweetcheeks, I think we can handle this." The sausage and tricolor peppaz with organic white crust wasn't too shabby. The crust was light, airy and cooked well, just no char like a good NYC 'ZA... Then again, this ain't NYC style. The Snarky Snacker concurred. The ingredients were pretty decent but at 19 clams, this dough paddle is a bit pricey, organic, gluten fwee or not.

The beer selection can be counted on both hands of a 3 toed sloth. The organic theme is seen throughout the entire menu including the beers. The Oxford Organic Raspberry Wheat was ok... A tad much on the berry after taste. A 6-pack of this and they would have to squeeze or juice me like a fat little Oompa Loompa. The Pinkus Organic Urpils was verra tastee. Just don't get any fruity beers and you'll be ok... Unless you're a fruity kinda guy.

The house salad mix was... Well, very gween. Once again, organic with cucumbers (about 4 twisty slices), tomatoes (cherry), kalamata olives (sure pal), feta cheese (grounded up), and red onions (sans). The balsamic vinaigrette on the side tasted eerily like Newman's Own. Meh.

I don't know who made the menu but shouldn't "Appetizers & Breads" and "Sandwiches & Wraps" contain more than one item each? Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

The gluten-fwee brownies better contain something else in there if you're gonna tempt me. The joint ain't bad, the grub ain't bad, the service ain't bad and I'll probably go back to try some other 'ZA's and their wacky dough since they're right across da street from yours truly. They need some serious PR bad if they want to survive in this economic wasteland.

This diet of mine ain't on the straight and narrow... Kinda like my belly.

Mazel Tov.

2233 Peachtree Rd
Suite M
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 351-9334

www.pizzafusion.com

Mirch Masala

Indian restos are not exactly appetizing visually, the decor is like your grandmother's crib, stuck somewhere between the '70's and '80's. It's cornier than those grainy Bollywood music videos that only Michael Jackson could love. But the aroma of spices in the air reminded me of every Indian household I have ever been in (whom were all here chowing down) and this is why I'm here... It ain't an easy job but someone's gotta do it.

True... they have an a la carte menu as well as a buffet. So, Gastro had to sneak a peek at what was hovering over them steam tables. They had me at curry goat. Hell, I figured I can always order off the menu if that mutton was nuthin. Surprisingly, everything was purdee tastee but the heat was a bit dumb down for it t'was for the masses. The tandoori chicken was the only thing subjected to the curse of the steam tray... Sitting out without liquid for that amount of time is torture to one's flesh.

The naan on the other hand was friggin-licious. I turned my garlic naan into an Indian pizza. It's easy... 1) Cut the naan into slices. 2) Put your meat on the naan. 3) Fold up the naan. Enjoy!

Biru, our server/host was da bomb... He didn't pimp that mango lassi crap like Mirza at Panahar. He also said to hold off on ordering apps off the menu and try the buffet instead because it would fill me up. Who da fuk does that in this day in age? He is not only a gentleman but also a scholar... And now my bro.

I rubbed my pouch as I waddled towards the door and rubbed the breasteses of the golden goddesses as I exited in hopes for some enlightenment from the Kama Sutra. But sadly, the only thing bloated that night was my pouch.

3.5 Stars.

Burp!

1713 Church St
Decatur, GA 30033

(404) 296-9999

Pho Viet

They won't love you long time and you can't get anyting you want but If you got 5 dolla... They can make you holla.

Small bowl of Pho with every piece of bovine scraps in it, aka "Crap in a Bowl", can fill your pouch making minimum wage with change left to spare. The broth was decent but it needed to be lava hot if you're gonna pile on a bunch of junk in da twunk. The small bowl can easily fill up even the largest of slobs. They give you so much bean sprouts, you can pass a trail of it back to your hizzy.

Egg Wollz were really crispy and rolled tighter than my Jordache jeans... Hey, you wanna know what gets between Gastro and his Cha Gios'? That's right Gene Wilder... the answer is "Nothing!".

Strawberry Bubble Tea just made me bloated and gave me flashbacks of the 2004 tsunami. Meh.

Not too shabby for a quick fill in a clean joint.

Snarf.

4300 Buford Hwy Suite 201, 202
Atlanta, GA 30341
(404) 483-9101

Social

Taterz

Beetz

Cornish Hen

Flan

Meatballz

Gastro is always on the lookout for new nosheries and I was pretty excited when my friend told me about this joint hidden away downtown behind FAB... I love the location and beautiful space inside, it's like a lil taste of NYC. Could it be that Atlanta is growing a pair of cojones and doing something outside of the same old dusty box? So, the Snarky Snacker and I had to investigate...

Braised meat balls w/ almond white wine sauce - Somehow balls and white sauce ain't exactly what I want in my mouth. It wasn't bad, just needed some more seasonings and I even swallow some of the sauce.

Roasted red beet napoleon w/ chives, goat cheese, crème fraiche and toasted pistachio - Goat cheez overpowered the tasteless beets... I would be beet red from embarrassment if I put this on my menu , 86...

Potatoes a la brava w/ onions, paprika, roasted red pepper coulis - It was definitely a red pepper coulis vs. what the server called a "harissa" sauce. Taters prepared well and not too shabby. Funny, how the simplest dish is the tastiest.

Moroccan style Cornish hen w/ green olive, preserved lemon sauce, saffron rice pilaf - Server's fav and I really wanted to see how well they prepared this dish. It was a half portion of something, I couldn't tell if it was the leg, thigh or bweast... It coulda been 2 hamsters for all I know. It was pre-cooked and reheated which made it taste like chicken jerky. No Moroccan spices detected. The rice was on par with the San Franciso tweat... No saffron detected. The lemon sauce was just the excess juices leaking from the 3 preserved lemon wedges on the plate. The factory pitted gween olives made their mark on the dish with an "X" on the bottom... If it came with a martini I wouldn't complain.

Spanish Flan - Custard was too soft and falling apart, it was more like a pudding consistency. The caramel sauce was overpowered with citrus essence... Just tasted weird. I guess that giant sprig of mint leaves was meant to hide this Franken-Flan.

Edmeades, Red Zinfandel - Somehow booze always makes it better...

Hopefully, the kitchen with catch up with the cool vibe of this joint. Middling grub will win no praise with my pouch, especially "tapas" in Atlanta. They need to step their game up on the chow and fix the kitchen door which sounds like M-80's going off every time they come through it. Just a side note- Tell me if I'm wrong about this unpleasing aroma of B.O. emanating from the kitchen which the door fans out to the tables nearby. I know the Cornish hen ain't from Morocco but does it have to smell like it while I'm eating? Three words: Puerto Rican Shower...

And the hobo sleeping in the doorway next door needed one bad!

Developing....

12 W Peachtree Pl
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 525-2246

socialintown.com

Fatburger

This burga looks great on paper... And tastes like it too.

Fat is the last thing Gastro needs in his pouch... But I decided to give it another shot after a couple disappointing visits. The only thing missing in their burga is the FAT. I want gwease dwipping down my arms like I have just assisted in artificial insemination of Bossy.

This whole burga trend is as tiresome as the "Gastropub"... But if you're gonna pimp a burga, don't use lean meat. It's also stacked with so much filler, it might as well be a garden salad with Bacon Bits sprinkled on it. I guess I'm just comparing everything else to the H&F 10 napkin burga.

The Turkey Burga wasn't bad if you like a slider of compacted saw dust. Order 3 more and you can easily move your furniture around. The words "turkey" and "burga" goes together like "Chico" and "Chang".

The fat fwies were Sysco's big brown bag finest, I guess it's better than munching on Wynona's big brown beaver... But the fwies were hot and crispy at least. So much I can say for the onion rings, they were just a greezy mess... It looked like Castro's High Mileage formula at the bottom of the paper basket. Funny, the guy at the fryer looked eerily like Sisqo. Boy, he's really 'went down' hill after that Thong song.

Meh, I think this is the last time I will ever step pouch in here... That slop turn Gastro's iron stomach into a pinata. It beat da hell outta me and everything came flying out.

Splash.

2625 Piedmont Rd
Suite 34-A
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 844-0444

www.fatburger.com

Cafe 101

Walked into Asam House, only customers in entire joint, sat down, looked thru menu, waited, waited some more, no service, not even a glass of water, look around, whistled a tune from Mary Poppins, scratched my butt... Still nothing, starting to get Snarky, got up, thanked da skank for a delicious meal of oxygen and walked out. And headed straight to Cafe 101... It was packed and got seated right away.

This chow is still tops... I can eat here everyday and not get tired of the grub.

Basil Squid - Hellz yeah...

Chinese Okra & Golden Shrooms - Mmmm...

Smoked Pork & Leeks - I can't bweathe...

Za- Jiang Mein - OMG, someone open a window...

Shaved Ice Combo (Strawberry, Kiwi, Mango) - A threesome of manscaped goodness...

Washed it down with some Sapporo and Asahi...

All is well in the land of Gastro's marsupial pouch...

Burp.

5412 Buford Hwy NE
Atlanta, GA 30340

(770) 458-8883

cafe101atlanta.com

Babette's Cafe

Gastro doesn't do brunch... Every Joe Blow joint in town runs a great scam with their $10 omelettes but I won't even buy that for a dollar. Lunch is for wimps and brunch is for chicks. Gastro is neither. A real man eats dinner... Not the early stages of a Balut with cheese.

Take a gander of a night in the life of Gastro's pouch...

Escargots - 2 big ass snails in a puff pastry bouche wading in a delicate red wine reduction... Ah, yum, oui oui! Toilette is to the left, pal...

Mushroom Tartlette - Call me a tart, I don't care because this grub was G O O D.

Piroshkis - Nice pastry crust but the pork and veal was a bit overwhelmed by the heavy amount of onions. The tarragon butter sauce is very Fwench... Thick and fatty goodness. If you closed your eyes, it almost tastes like foie gras... I said Almost.

Creme of Celeriac - Campbell's cream of mushroom ain't got nothing on this celeriac wild mushroom soup. I can swallow a mouthful of this creamy goodness every night and I don't even expect a kiss. Yumum.

Paella - Ok, you're asking WTF am I ordering this at a Fwench joint? I asked the same question and wonder could this be good? The answer was meh. It wasn't bad just not a real paella obviously, no crispy yum yums. They shoulda just called it Latin-Atlanta rice with meat and seafood. I still didn't get why they put this on the menu... Curiosity didn't killed Gastro's appetite cuz he ate every last morsel. Burp.

The bwead service was kinda dirty but tasty... Half a crunchy baguette that you shred to pieces trying to break apart. The wine selection is good for a cozy joint of this size... A bot of Cotes Du Rhone was reasonably priced and did the trick for the Snarky Snacker but she didn't get too rowdy.

This joint gets looked over so many times and really doesn't get the attention it should for it's fresh ingredients and good cooking techniques. As good as the dinner menu is... I'm still not paying $16 for a friggin Balut Benedict for brunch.

Munch.

573 N Highland Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 523-9121

www.babettescafe.com

Hearth Pizza Tavern

From the owners of Cypress comes this red-headed stepchild of a mess... And I ain't talking about the pizza sauce.

I really hoped it would be good but everything seems out of place here. From the missing bartender that no one seemed to know where she and the manager went, servers all huddling around the kitchen area instead of the dining area... To the family of 5 where the dad and 3 boys looked like they just played mud football and the mom is dressed like she's ready to goto Hal's in her 5 inch leopard print heels.

This oven fired 'ZA comes in 8" or 12". The "Queens Right" is basically a Margarita 'ZA... But it gave me the "Silent Fluidity". This thin crust thing came out covered with raw flour. I didn't know whether I should blow it off or snort it. The bottom had spots of char which didn't add much to the flavor... It really looked like a pita bwead re-heated. The sauce was thin and flavorless... Eerily similar to watered down tomato paste. The fwesh mozzarella and basil chiffonade sprinkles after it came out of the oven barely saved this shipwreck. This tasteless mystery orange oil in a squirt bottle had me dumbfounded, I guess it was there to help lube your linings. Sadly, my ship sank as well in the bathroom.

The pedestrian menu reads like a high school student's wet dweam. It would do well in Sandy Spwings... Oh, wait, it is in Sandy Spwings! Skip this Californication Pizza and go next door to Canton House for some real tasty grub...

Ni Hao!

5992 Roswell Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30328

(404) 252-5378

www.hearthpizzatavern.com

Stout Irish Pub

Stout, Stout, let it all out, these are the beers I can't do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

In prohibition times, you shouldn't have to sell your soul
In black and tan, they really really ought to show
Those one track minds that took your Yuengling Lager
Kiss them hello, you really should jump for joy
You really should shout for joy

Stout, Stout, let it all out, these are the beers I can't do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

They gave you Yuengling, and in return you gave them 'Hell Yeah!'
As cold as ice, I hope we live to tell the tale
I hope we live to tell the tale

Stout, Stout, pass them all out, these are the drinks I can't do without
Come on, I'm slurring to you, come on

And when you've downed your last bottle
If I could change your mind, I'd really love to buy you another
I'd really love to drink another

Stout, Stout, hope y'all don't run out, these are the drinks I can't do without
Come on, I'm still drinking with you, come on

56 E Andrews Dr
Ste 16
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 869-1151

www.stoutirishpub.com

Alex's Pan Asian Cuisine

Pan Asian cuisine is a mockery to the modern free world... It is the mud baby of Asian grubbery or just plainly crap in a wok. A mish mash of flavors struggling to be recognized... And you thought you can tell the difference between Asians? Prepare your taste buds for a firework show of mediocrity... It is Norcross afterall.

This former Frontera location is dimly lit and looks like a dusty old saloon in the dayz of yore... Nothing inside has changed except the food (if you can see it in the dark). Mebbe when Obama gets into office he will re-distribute the cuisines back to their respective cultures.

Their claim is "Chinese-Japanese-Thai-Steak-Seafood-Sushi and Fun"... The only thing missing is taste. Try saying all that in one breath, I can't. I'm feeling light-headed, someone open a window quick! Just looking through the menu is painful... Asparagus with Twin Nuts, Chinese Sausage Salad, Shrimp MoonPie, Bangkok Shrimp and Pad Prik. I don't know about you but I don't want my kok Bang'd or Prik'd.

Spicy Flat Noodles - Ok, how bad could that be? It's got shrimp, chicken and beef... And spicy noodles. Yum right? Yeah, like scooping a pail in a river of raw sewage. Noodles so overcooked that it turned to mush, Slimer wouldn't eat it. The shrimp, chix and beef while plentiful were lackluster and devoid of any seasoning except the pile of chili paste mixed in after the fact. I spied a couple jalapenos in there... I was wondering where my side of sour cream and guacamole were.

This joint is as dead as the strip mall it's located in... And the food might as well be too. I had better Oriental chow at the food court at Greenbriar Mall, it's a good sign when there's chicken bones on the curb. There is nothing appealing to the sense here... Because everyone knows that we eat with our eyes first. And my eyes are starting to rain.

Meh.

3466 Holcomb Bridge Rd
Ste AA
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 209-7889

alexscuisine.com

Waffle House

Screw Flying Biscuit... They should call this joint The Flying Sausage. Literally, my sausage patty flew off my plate... I think it tasted good but who knows at that time in purgatory. Speaking of sausage, there's a lot of it in this shack at 4:30 AM... Dude, cross your legs if you're in a mini skirt or do a Ken-Tucky Chrome, Buffalo Bill style.

"You can put lipstick on a pig, it's still a tranny."

"You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It's still gonna blow you behind da dumpster."

Why am I here....

Duct Tape.

2264 Cheshire Bridge Road N
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 634-9414

www.wafflehouse.com

Barker's Red Hots

I'm wondering if the owner is named Bob... Because the price is wrong bitch. Even though the grub was tastee, I don't know if I want to spend $12 for 1 Red Hot (more like Pink Warm), 1 Weck (Not a total Wreck) and 1 MoonPie (Mmmm, Pie)... Again.

I'm not bashing the place but actually enjoyed it. The owners/staff were very friendly which made shelling out over 10 clams for processed meat a lil bit more comforting. It is very clean (proudly displayed 100 point report on the wall) and quality of ingredients looked fresh.

Red Hot - While the mystery meat was good, the preparation was ok. They didn't cook it long enough to give it that char and flavor of the coals. It was warm through but not very juicy. Not bad but I prefer a nice snap of a natural casing.

Grilled Flank Steak on Weck - This was tasty and a decent imitation of a true Beef on Weck. The flank steak was tender but a little too thick... Just stick with a good, juicy and thinly sliced roast beef. The Kummelweck roll on the other hand nailed it, it was a tasty balance of caraway seeds, kosher salt (pretzel salt preferred) and horseradish. A bit pricey for meat, bwead and a tiny pickle. Oh, well... It's for a good cause, my belly.

MoonPie - Enough said... Yum.

I like this joint and will support them when I'm in the area... Otherwise, I'll stick with Nathan's. I second what Ivan mentioned, Papaya King can't be beat.

Burp.

3000 Windy Hill Rd
Ste B-6
Marietta, GA 30067

(770) 272-0407

www.barkersredhots.com

Rise Sushi Lounge

Did I walk into STATS by mistake... Because I needed a 1000 c.c.'s of adrenalin, STAT! This place was as dead as the fish in the display case. The ratio of staff to customers was 14:1... And yet we couldn't get a menu let alone service. The only Asian working was the "sushi chef", who turned out to be the assistant. The "Master Sushi Chef" was nowhere to be found... I think he was applying for a job at Ru San's.

Took a gander at the tired-looking fish in the case and my first thought was... An ex-girlfriend. No Toro, Chutoro or Otoro... Meh. But they did have Uni so I got excited. I wanted to Rise outta my chair and walk out when I saw him pull out a wooden tray of mushy, brown and watery Uni... Was it Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard? My manhood deflated quicker than a 70 year old man when the sushi helper started poking at it with his nose-picking finger... It was disturbing to hear him tell me that it was fwesh. To top it off he states that the "real" sushi chef prepares Uni Nigiri chopped up. WTF?

Actual order of dishes:

Octopus Salad - 4 thinly sliced octopus had decent flavor but the mound of half-way sliced accordion of cucumbers were barely marinated in the "vinaigrette".

Soft Shell Crab - Lightly battered and crispy, not too bad. They left out the wasabi aioli but they included another mound of poorly sliced cucumber in some strange dressing... I think it was shellac.

Sushi/Sashimi Combo - I haven't seen a more pathetic display of sliced fish since the Butcher of Bakersfield. Hacked up like chum... I rather have the skills of a Rabbi behind the counter than this helper's help. I don't know if it was sushi grade or grade school but it tasted pretty much low rent... as in Section 8. The spicy tuna roll was treated in the same fashion of the Uni... A monster mash of tuna giblets seasoned with Taco Bell sauce, c'mon, you gotta think outside the bun when it comes to innovative sushi!

Shrimp Tempura - Nothing Ru San's couldn't handle... It was crispy to say the least. The tempura sauce was some type of witch's brew of salt and more salt... I wished I brought my BaconSalt.

Miso Soup - It was wet... Fragrant like Limberger cheese and tasted like old shoe leather.

Side Salad - It was green... No dressing and a couple dices of wet mushy tomato.

This ass-backwards meal wasn't even worth 50% off... Who ever pays full price for this better get a proper rogering as well. The Dinner Menu was funny like a clown (but crying on the inside), it was merely there to amuse me. Just poor service, quality and execution on all cylinders. They didn't even say goodbye which was fine with me... Less eye contact the better.
1 Star each for the 2 fwee glasses of house wine since they have no liquor license yet.

Sayonara biatches...

Flush.

300 Marietta St
Ste 104
Atlanta, GA 30313
(404) 477-0947

risesushilounge.com

Dogwood Restaurant

Dog-Gone It! You don't have to spend a fortune on a waredrobe to eat here... But try to dress accordingly. The table of Joe Six-Packs from upstate GA had the style coordination of the synchronized swim team in the Special Olympics... When did tight rolled acid washed jeans, knee slapping brown braided belts, denim snap button shirts, molester-stache and LA Tech light gear sneakers come back? They musta been here for the "grits".

The $30 prix fixe menu is less than the minimum political party donation... And you get instant gratification without the fear of being vetoed. You can't write in your choice from the main menu because there is no substitution... Yet. This crib is spacious, modern, so fwesh and so clean clean. So, let's get to the quick and dirty...

Roasted Tomato Soup - Verra tastee, good consistency and flavor, the fwied goat cheese ball melted in my mouth... Yes, I swallowed and licked my lips afterwards.

Buttermilk Fwied Chicken Bweast - A hefty portion, verra good crust, moist and tender inside. It was boneless since I didn't noticed any bones on the corner. Baked mac & cheese was a little too dry, eh, I like it sloppy, gooey and crusty on top kinda like the trannys on the corner of Linden/Courtland. Braised greens were well prepared and tasty... Makes me wonder if the little old lady washing dishes made it.

Maple Cheesecake - A worthy addition to the menu but not even in the same league as Junior's. The portion was enough to feed the whole soup kitchen line down the street.

Logan Turnpike Grits - Lobsta, Shroom and Ham/Pimento - Super creamy, warm and had the right amount of tooth... Are you listening girls? This ain't da Jersey Turnpike kinda grits. No wonder Joe and da Plumbers at the next table came here... This Grit is da Shit.

I don't care if they put lipstick on a Dog, Pig or a Maverick... The food is still good eating here. Especially, the Maverick.

Burp!

565 Peachtree St
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 835-1410

www.dogwoodrestaurant.com

The BookHouse Pub

I'm guessing this joint isn't named after the busty chick with the tight sweater in the corner table but rather Twin Peaks' secret hush hush society of vigilantes. I don't know what the puppy smuggler ordered but I'll have what the guys are having... Because this place is full of wood. Literally and Literary.

The MJQ boys did a great job with the all wood theme and I got really excited when I first walked in... No pun intended. But I think they could use a few more books with a name like The BookHouse. The place ain't big by any means but it'll keep the rowdy trolls to a minimum. The outside back patio is spacious like the Mines of Moria and woulda been gweat if summer had just started.

The drink menu is good for a place this size but the impressive food menu has more dishes than tables which is must try on my next visit. It's a great place to grab a dwink and/or bite to eat whether you are hand solo or with fwends. The bartender is friendly but is scared easily like a frightened Monchhichi when there's multiple drink orders. He quickly scurries out for a quick breather on a cancer stick and re-emerges a new and more confident Hobbit. Slinging out dwinks like a veteran crack dealer on Boulevard.

Now, stop reading my ridiculous drunken review and ride your unicorn there! The word is out... Like a gay midget coming out of the cabinet.

736 Ponce DeLeon Ave
Atlanta, GA 30306

(404) 254-1176

www.myspace.com/thebookhousepub

The Lamplighter Cafe

As we walk through the Doors, I heard...

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If Gastro was to say to you
Snarky Snacker, we couldn't get much fatter
Come on baybee, feed my belly
Come on baybee, rub my belly
Try to Light the Lamp on fire

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the kitchen
For now we can only booze
And our bellies become a lil itchin'
Carmen Cappello, light the burner
Carmen Cappello, light the fryer
Try to Light the Lamp on fire, yeah

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the haystack
For now we can still only booze
And our hunger become like crack
Carmen Cappello, fire up the scrapple
Carmen Cappello, fry up the fish & chips
Try to Light the Lamp on fire, yeah

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Pouch, you couldn't get much bigger
Come on Gastro, finish that burga
Come on Gastro, try the Hellcat's Sampler
Try to Light the Lamp on fire

3.5 Stars

Burp

Hellcat's Dessert Sampler

Fish & Chips

Scrapple Fried Egg Burger

Pork Quesadilla

Potato Soup w/ ham & cheese sammies

280 Connally St
Atlanta, GA 30322

(404) 247-0240

www.lamplighteratl.com

V1 BBQ & Cafe

Gastro's marsupial pouch has a life of it's own... Kinda like Kuato. I open my mind to him and he shows me my future place of sustenance... So I got my ass to the Mars of Duluth.

This brand spanking new half occupied strip mall had two hidden gems, Taipei and this joint, but like a fugazi, Taipei turned out to be a fake and got rubbed out. V1 shined on with their outstanding Chinese BBQ... Roast Pork, Char Siu, Roast Duck and Soy Sauce Chicken.

Gastro loves Ming's BBQ and HK BBQ... But bite after bite non-stop of their BBQ, I must say we have a new winnah, this shit is G O O D. The roast pork was super cripsy, thin layer of fat and tender pork... It was perfect. The soy sauce chicken was properly marinated and it shows through on the color and flavor with each chomp. The char siu couldn't get any better with the perfect balance of sweetness and tenderness.

The BBQ is the main attraction here but the rest of the menu ain't no side show either. There are some real winners like Beef chowfun, Hainanese chix, Sambal squid, Curry or Tom Yum chicken, Hokkien fwied noodles, Mee goreng and Curry Laksa noodle soup.

Someone stop me before I explode... There's always tomorrow.

V103 might be "The People's Station" but V1 BBQ has the true "Asian Persuasion".

BURP!

3940 Buford Highway
Duluth, GA 30096
(770) 623-1136

Joli Kobe Bakery & Bistro

Sandwiches are B O R I N G... unless it's a ginormous man meat filled Carnegie Reuben or a nasty tasty Philthy Whiz wit. But if you use fresh quality ingredients, I will eat your sandwich... And this prissy dainty joint does.

I don't have the time or desire to drive up Roswell Road just to eat a friggin overpriced sammie. So, I was amused that they opened a mini-me version intown... I had to see what a hectic day in the life of a Real Housewife of Atlanta was like. It was all for research... Or shits and giggles if you prefer.

These gold diggers have it made... Made to order sammies, soups and salads. They also have some well prepared pastries and other desserts that I can care less for... But they would looked pretty as a trophy or in Hugh Hefner's sun spotted-rotten arm though.

Turkey Panini - The onion marmalade and brie cheez made the sammie. Sweet, gooey, warm and soft... Kinda like the broads working at Krispy Kreme. Came with too much chips.

Classic Joli Chix Salad - Simple and delish. They don't over dress it so you can actually see and taste the chicken. More friggin chips, how much chips can one eat?

Veggie Barley Soup - Tasty but nothing spectacular. It's friggin veggie soup!

Mini Eclairs and Mini Lemon Coco Cake - Cute, fun and tasty... But the bite size portions were more than enough for me or else I'll hurl.

This place has a nice spread... I guess you need to if you wanna marry rich.

Cha-Ching!

Burp.

1545 Peachtree St
Atlanta, GA 30309 (404) 843-1440

www.jolikobe.com/

Luna Nueva

I really like this space but it's been cursed from the beginning. La Fonda, Miro's Garden and now this Mexi-joint.

Did Dr. Herbert West dig up this grave to Re-animate? I have no idea if the owner is a Doctor or just a Demento, but is it a good thing to open up so close to Halloween and without any publicity? I hope they didn't put the headstone in storage yet.

Not much has changed in decor since Miro's... except that they don't have a liquor license (where's that stake?) . The menu looked promising until I asked the server what kind of tortilla they used- corn or flour. She said "I don't know but it ain't the crunchy kind!".

WTF? Cuckooooo...

Chips and Salsa - Not too bad but the salsa was orange... And yet I strangely liked it. Kinda reminded me like Marie Sharp's Habanero sauce or Goo Gone.

Tacos - Chicken, beef and pork... All shredded like confetti, dry and tasteless. The corn tortillas were greasier than a Dirty Sanchez and fell apart like a pinata. The only difference is that it wasn't filled with yum yums for your mouth. The salsa verde was too watery and barely made the mystery meats any better.

Sampler of the same bland mystery meats in dusty old flour tortilla:

Quesadilla (chix), why is there cheddar in there? And why is it buried under a pound of spanglish wice? This shoulda been buried six feet under.

Enchilada (pork), tasted like an open-end frozen burrito. Thanks Old El Paso... I'll Pass-o.

Chile Relleno (beef), a sad deflated specimen now just a study in moppishness. The batter was thin and soggy, the poblano pepper was even thinner and the cheese/meat was abducted by aliens.

Spanish Rice - Just call it Spanglish Wice because it was a San Francisco tweat. Who knew rice from a box could be so dry and bland.

I was tempted to try the churros but after that train wreck of a meal, it would just be insult to injury to my stomach.

Someone slap me... I must be having a nightmare. I rather take Fenton's Reagent than Dr. West's Green Reagent Serum for this industrial waste.

Splash.

1150 Euclid Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30307

The Flying Biscuit Cafe

Looks like Delia is off to the bank and Gastro is off to the loo... Once again.

The newest Franken-Biscuit is alive and kickin' in Sasquatch County. Unfortunately, Delia's formula has been so diluted down from the Thin air up here, it isn't even close to the original.

3B Chicken Sammie - Bleu cheez, Bacon & Basil is the claim. Just because it has mold on it doesn't mean it's "Bleu". I have seen/tasted Beggin Strips better than this pre-fabbed Sysco bacon. The basil lost all identity after Jeffrey Dahmer chiffonade it to death in the kitchen. The chicken bweast coulda used a squeeze of this and a pinch of that because it was flat... and bland.

Heffers love her biscuit
And Senior Citizens love you too
And the eggs may look warm to you Babe
And the cheese may look blue
Ooooh Biscuit
Ooooh Flyin' Biscuit makes me sing da Blues
Ooooh Biscuit
If you should go eating
In the franchise of mediocre life
Dragging behind you the resilient roach
Of a million compound eyes
Don't be surprised, when a Crackho' on Ice
Appears under your seat
You slip out of your chair and go out of your mind
With your meal flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin grits

Flush.

5270 Peachtree Parkway
Ste 120
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 407-5885

www.flyingbiscuit.com/index.html

Urban Flats Flatbread & Wine Co.

Where am I... Alpharetta?

Oh dear baby Jesus, Lindbergh City is lost like Moses in the desert. This place is the melting pot of suburban mediocre crud grub. You have all your greatest hypocrites:

LongJohns, Chili's Willy, Taco Smack, 5 Toolz Burgaz, Tongue In A Groove, HotPrix, My Fanini, Zips and now Urban Cracks...

I don't know who came up with the ideal of serving it on an artist palette... but that flatbwead sure looks like a mess of gooey oil paints. The Spicy Shrimp Chorizo tasted, well... flat. The first one came out undercooked and without chorizo... it was so pathetic, I thought it was a joke by the dishwasher. When the manager noticed it was made wrong he sent out another one. The second coming wasn't anymore of a religious experience than the first. C'mon, you guys know the second time around just doesn't have that build up. If I had a sausage that looked that disgraceful, I wouldn't be showing it in public let alone have someone put it in their mouth. The chorizo were plain old sausages dyed in pink coloring ... my wine had more spice.

The wine list is pretty good for a cookie cutter joint but some prices are just outrageous for a soccer family joint. They have these new fangled temp. controlled cuvee/wine dispensers... Yippy, hooray, now you can serve 3 week old wine and pwetend it's fwesh. Yay...

The DJ was an embarrassment... I think it was Corky. His mix was all over the place... Hell, I wouldn't hire him for a Bar Mitzvah. He played stuff that would make Helen Keller scream her hands off.

Even though, the menu is a mess and the DJ was a re-re... The wine, booze and service can make up for it (3 stars for each). Oh blah dee, oh blad daa...

Life Goes On.

2450 Piedmont Rd
Ste 100
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 949-0600

www.urbanflats.net

The Shed at Glenwood

Did I just walk into an Echo Chamber or Romper Room? Hell, some kids need to be taken to the Chamber for some "Discipline"... Did I just say that out loud? Back on topic...

The cement floors and the hard flat walls made for a great game of Pong for the Atari 2600 with the acoustics of a friggin prison cell... And the table across the way with a crap load of hellacious screaming demon spawns didn't help neither. I love how parents think they have the right to ruin other people's dinner after a long work week with the Wraith like shrills emanating from their Hobbit banshees.

We get lured to a side table which was obviously camouflaged to our server's vision or attention. Does it really take 10 minutes to get a glass of water? Yes, it does when she's trying to kill 12 glasses of water with one pass for 4 tables. WTF you think this is... Chuck E Cheese?!

I never thought much about this place based on previous reviews but since Lance Gummere came from Shaun's, I had to give it a shot.

Roasted Pork Empanada, Onion Marmalade - The fwied dough tasted like the eggrolls in the Chino-American joints. The pork filling was steaming hot but passable. Marmalade is supposed to be thicker, this was more like a salsa.

San Marzano Tomato Fondue, Goat Cheese, Pine nuts - A hefty portion it was but the bwead was charred a bit too long on the edges and the bitterness really overwhelmed the fondue aka tomato sauce. But it wasn't bad at all.

Braised Beef Brisket, Logan Turnpike White Corn Grits, Broccolini - One stalk of broccolini, although tasty. White corn grits were very good, nice and creamy and the right amount of tooth. The brisket had some decent parts that flake off with a fork but other parts you couldn't cut it with a Dremel. Replace it with anything other than brisket and we'll be eating good in the neighborhood.

Although it didn't really impress me much with the noise, service and grub, it could be much much better... but I liked the neighborhood feel. Lance just needs to get in the groove and hopefully they'll be dancing a different beat with time. Just watch out for Stewie like trolls moonwalking around the resto... They should be taken out back to the other shed.

Wah Wah... Cry for me.

ZIPPP IT!

475 Bill Kennedy Way
Atlanta, GA 30316

(404) 835-4363

www.theshedatglenwood.com

La Pietra Cucina

No signs, No hours, No website, No problem!

Eating here is a crap shoot... They open and close whenever they want to. I have seen better hospitality in the bathroom of Cocktail Cove. But if you get lucky during the week when they are open, it's a real treat. Food is fresh and well prepared and the price is well worth it... even though some Cheap Charlies complained it was too little food for too much dinero.

Calamari in Sicilian Tomato Zupetta - This ain't your run of mill fwied tubes you find from an Applebeez cracker jack box kitchen. Tender calamari wading in a flavorful pinot grigio tomato sauce with toasted garlic, tapioca like cous cous and pine nuts. Delicate and delish.

Black Spaghetti - The pasta was awesome, calabreses sausage was a bit too salty and the rock shrimp looked like it came from a frozen pre-cooked salad shwimp bag at K-Roger's down the stweet. If you ran outta rock shrimp substitute it with... let's say lobster. Don't try using your weak Jedi mind trick on me with those whale shark krill. Besides that mistake, this dish was yummo.

Seasonal Risotto - Duck confit and mushrooms. Damn good. Arborio rice cooked perfectly with a little tooth to it and velvety. The duck was plentiful and tender. The mushrooms savory and added richness and color to the dish. Just friggin G O O D.

The bwead and bwead sticks were just ok... olive oil was fine but no fwesh ground black pepper. Just some chincy pre-ground black flakes. Meh.

Next up... pappardelle, tagliatelle and gnocchi.

It looks like they are finishing up the rest of the space and hopefully they will be opened on the weekends. If this joint survives and I hope it does... it will be one of the better Eye-talian joints intown.

I hope they gave the management company an offer they can't refuse on the lease.

I sleep wit da fishes for another bite of that risotto...

Splash.

1545 Peachtree Street
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 888-8709

What's Gastro eating now 10/9/08!

Myojo Chukazanmai Japanese Style Noodles with Soup Base, Soybean Paste Flavor.

This shit is G O O D...

Seven Sushi Bar and Lounge

I don't know how they came up "Seven" but maybe it has something to do with them being unable to serve more than 7 people at a time. Or me feeling like I died Seven deaths from the wait. Can you say "In da weeds"? Cuckoo cuckoo!

Not only was the wait excruciating... The menu was as well. When 5 outta 8 pages consists of rolls, you gotta ask yourself...

"Where am I???!!!"

It seems like they used everything from Fune when they took it over... including the menu and the stockpile of raw fish. I was kinda looking forward to the "Kaiten" theme but I'm glad they didn't have sushi on a plate playing hide and seek on that conveyor belt.

Fune's selection of sushi had me Fuming in the past and Seven ain't turning my frown upside down either. Even the sushi chefs seemed disappointed with their selection... Looked like they were about to perform Hara-Kiri since there was no Otoro to be had. Hey, belly for a belly right?

Tako Sunomono - 4 slices of octopus, 4 strands of seaweed and 400 slices of cucumber. The octopus wasn't bad but the cucumber salad had the acidity of water. For $8, I hope they used Bling H2O.

Shrimp/Veggie Tempura - What do you think it tasted like... Crap dipped in tempura batter and fwied. Everything tastes G O O D fwied.

Sushi/Sashimi Combo - After they unhooked, scaled and butchered up the night's catch... It finally came out. The sashimi was your standard selections but sliced a tad bigger than usual... It tasted ok, it didn't melt like butta in your mouth, more like Play-Doh. The nigiri on the other hand was dreadful... It wasn't sushi rice, it was more like regular old short grain. The crap wasn't dressed with rice wine vinegar and fell apart like kitty litter. The fishies on top of the saw dust clumps tasted like 2 day old chum... Jaws could smell this a mile away and turn around. I just didn't get the inconsistency between the sushi/sashimi on the same plate.

The standard Side Salad that came with the combo is what you expect it to be... Left out on the Side. Meh.

The laugh riot of the night was Miso vs. Gween Tea... Miso was piss warm and flavorless. Gween Tea was scorching hot and burned all the flavors/taste buds outta my mouth. Even Godzilla couldn't drink this magma.

It's no wonder why Fune went belly up... but if Seven keeps this middling quality up they might as well do the honorable thing like a Samurai should. Slicing motion from left to right...

Tanto...

2.5 Stars.

860 Peachtree St #H
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 645-7777

The Bureau

If you love the smell of rancid piss and chicken bone hopscotch on the streets... you came to the right place!

Walking the one block from Noni's to here could possibly change your life or take it. No wonder it's called Edgewood... you really live on the Edge down this neck of da Woods. Their building number is 327 but wouldn't it be really cool if it was 187? (Noni's is 357... as in make my day punk!)

I love what Blair et al. have done with this space... just amazing. Art gallery, bar and nosh area upstairs and kickass bar, lounge, pool table area downstairs... all surrounded by exposed brick, it's just so NY chic. :)

They do have some interesting beers on tap but by no means is it a brew pub claiming over 100 beers from around da world. The menu looks promising as well but the Snarky Snacker and I had to try the Poutine... I tell y'all what, it smelled a lot better than some of the poontang outside on the streets. It was like the Canuck version of Lay's, you just can't eat one. I will definitely be back to try the rest of the menu.

The crowd is old school industry peeps... and it feels like all the afterhours we all did a decade ago, where everyone knows everyone. Except that we got a little older and wiser but still hanging out in the shitty parts of town. L'Chaim!

Where my dew rag at... ???!!!

Asshat.

327 Edgewood Ave SE
Atlanta, GA 30312

(678) 732-0067

www.thebureaubar.com

Cheesesteak Place

Who doesn't love two handfuls of juicy, tender, shaved meat packed in tight between a pair of fluffy buns. Imagine finding that in Ansley Mall... I'm talking about a getting a decent cheesesteak people! Geez...

It ain't a true Philthy... but the owners are trying their best, bless their little hearts. I rather try the lamb vindaloo and naan bwead they were eating in the back office because it smelled delish. I loved how they kept sneaking in a bite here and there in between customers.

The roll ain't Amoroso (stwike 1), the meat was frozen Steak Umms (stwike 2), and the cheese was White American (what, no provolone or whiz? stwike 3). The fries were Sysco's industrial brown bag finest...meh.

It wasn't terrible... but I guess it'll do in a pinch if you're craving for some man meat in a bun. Next time, I'll take the 15 minute ride up to Roy's.

Gloria, thanks for asking... but I will survive.

Next!

Ansley Mall
1544 Piedmont Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 873-6625

Fox Sports Grill

I rather put a "Grill" in my mouth before I eat anything off of one at this joint.

3 reasons why you should pack heat to this joint...

1. It's in Atlantic Station.
2. I had better "Service" at a Jack Shack.
3. Lead to the head is better than a heart attack from that slop.

These stweets are filled with...

Chicken Bones, wannabe Thugs and first dates from eHarmony.

Something is Creepin in my pouch and needs to Come up...

FLUSH.

261 19th St
Atlantic Station
Atlanta, GA 30363
(404) 207-1369

www.foxsportsgrill.com/atlanta

Wahoo! A Decatur Grill

Holy mackerel... where am I???!!!

I swear I saw Sanford and Leftout Lamont working in the garage next door. It's a wacky area to get to for interlopers and even for some ITP'ers but once you get here it's all worth it. It feels comfortable, it feels like home. The covered patio area and the outdoor patio is like the forest moon of Endor. Throw a couple of Ewoks back there and it's all good.

The grub ain't fancy schmancy but tasty and straight forward seafood with a southern twist.

Fried Calamari- Surprisingly good for an obligatory menu item found on every single resto in Atlanta. It included not only the rings but tentacles as well. Flashed fwied to order and came out crispy and hot. Nice.

Lump Crab Cakes- The only lump that can be found was in my throat after taking one bite. That shit was pulverized to sawdust, bland and flatter than a 70 yr old woman chest. It was like fishy flapjacks... Snorkel! STAT! The spicy Cajun remoulade was Sambal Oelek mixed in with mayo... Blech.

Fisherman's Stew- Their "signature stew" was a forgery... tiny frozen bay scallops, baby shrimp and leftover fish bits in a "spicy" tomato broth. I had V8 spicier than this. I wouldn't put John's Hand on this Crockpot special.

Wahoo- The grilled medallions of Wahoo was cooked well but a bit bland. The fresh salsa verde was too watery and leaked all over the plate... Linda Blair anyone? Buttermilk mashed potatoes was the same old hat you find anywhere. The fresh vegetables turns out to be the veggie of the day (haricot vert) and not a medley.

The Trout and Tuna that my friends had look pretty good but I busted a gut when I noticed it was the exact plating as every other dish in the whole entire resto... It's like the Henry Ford of kitchens.

The grub overall wasn't bad, it was quite tasty but the plating was so 80's French chic... Yawn. I have seen better plating with plastic food displays in the front window in Little Italy. But I like this place because it's a n'hood joint with local business owners. I would definitely come back here and support them.

I need a dwink... where's my ripple you big dummy?!

Gulp.

1042 West College Avenue
Decatur, GA 30030

(404) 373-3331

www.wahoogrilldecatur.com

Makara's Mediterranean

With all the Section 8 moving into Sandy Spwings Inc., you would think Church's Fwied Chicken would be the last joint to go belly up at this high traffic location.

Instead, the Gweek Gods bent over and replaced drumsticks with gyros... Hey, who doesn't like a piece of juicy meat stuffed between a fluffy pita bwead? A squirt of some creamy tzatziki really helps you swallow down that meat log... Only if they allow that during the Mustard Belt.

Menu is super simple and cheap... $5.50 for gyros and cheesesteaks? Hades yeah!!!

The pita wasn't homemade but it was still airy and fresh. The gyro meat was shaved on the spot in front of you and it was very tasty...meat always taste better fweshly shaved. The tzatziki was zesty and feta crumbled nicely on top. Not a bad gyro at all.

They also got dolmas, hummus, baklava, gweek salad, lentil soup, kebabs and $10 combo plates of chicken, lamb or beef.

Just a good place to grab a quick bite for those on the go! But I kinda miss all the chicken bones in the parking lot though... so, I poured one for the homies.

Splash.

6224 Roswell Road
Atlanta, GA 30328

Top Flr

Sometimes, ugly babies do grow up looking purdy guud... mebbe except for Rocky Dennis.

Time did heal Top Flr after all! Especially the grub here. I was pleasantly surprised to see another friend of mine cooking here when I walked in. I had a good feeling the grub would be totally different this time and it was... not that Mike Schorn didn't put out tasty grub, he just couldn't do it solo in a full house.

The pappardelle with duck confit was verra tastee. The wide thin pasta was cooked perfectly... I call it "al dentata" because it had a bit of tooth to it. The duck confit was plentiful as were the shaved parmesan... hey, who doesn't like it shaved? Just a very solid dish. Yum.

I was told the chorizo pizza was a must try... even though everyone knows I prefer NYC style 'ZA, but this was decent. The ingredients were good but the meats was just a tad dried out under the heat. The dough was fluffy as a cloud... the Care Bears would love it.

I do like being on Top but I think I prefer to stay on the Bottom at this joint... The new bar/room is so chic and the dwinks come out full and cold and the gwub comes out nice and hot.

Burp!

674 Myrtle St NE
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 685-3110

www.topflr.com

Pollo Brassa

Oh, there's definitely yardbirds here... But it ain't Peruvian style. Hell, it ain't even Puerto Rican style.

I was excited to see something "ethnic" go into the old Giorgio's Pizzeria spot but I was quickly deflated when I noticed they spelled "Brassa" instead of Brasa. I knew the jig was up when the entire staff were all from lower Chattanooga... aka Causasians. And the "rotisserie" was filled with nothing... No smell of Smoke, Fire or Chicken. Just a small pile of tinder laying on the ground or was it their kid's Lincoln Logs. Where am I???!!! But situations like this never gets between Gastro and ghetto pigeons in his belly...

Very simple menu of whole, half, quarter chicken, chicken sammies, salads and sides.

The roasted chicken was white but kinda dry, zero flavor/spice/zest, flappy old skin and greezy bottom. Eh, looks like some old bird you find at a nursing home. It just seemed like it was yesterday's leftovers (no wonder the rotisserie wasn't running). It came with some yellowish mayo smegma that had absolutely zero taste... why?

Chicken Salad sammie was Aldi's finest. This scoop of bland white mess was pulverized to the Point of No Return. I had spicier vanilla ice cream. I couldn't tell if there were any meat between the buns... kinda like the girl in front of me. I shoulda known better to order the same thing from a broad who looked like Bridget Fonda... right down to the chicken legs. Oy.

Peruvian Corn tasted fresh... from a can with a couple pinches of Old Bay. I have seen bigger corn kernels on a foot. I shoulda left this "side" item on the side of the road to die. The portion was even more pathetic... 1 full tablespoon. When did canned corn become pricier than gas?

Yuca Fwies were more like fwied cubes. But I must admit they were crispy and tender inside but bland. I can ring out more flavor from an old geezer's sock.

Yellow Rice tasted like it came outta the Yellow River... wet, overcooked to mush, green peas only Linda Blair could love. This is one for the denture crew.

Fwesh Handcut Fwies might had been hand cut but it was oily and limp like a seagull after the Exxon Valdez spill. Guess they missed frying 101.

Given that they are brand spanking new and very nice... another trip is required (b/c I stole some coupons behind the counter). But based on mere first impressions, they are not going for authenticity but more for the chicken heads in that area with pedestrian palates.

2.5 stars.

Cuckoo Cuckoo!

857 Collier Rd
Atlanta, GA 30318
(404) 350-0105

La Fonda Latina

Aretha Franklin might had been treated mean and treated cruel but... This chain made a fool of me... Twice.

No wonder I don't eat Latin grub intown often. Everything is just so bland and pedestrian. This wannabe Cuban and Mexi-joint is perfect grub for the suburban gringo who thinks Taco Mac is an export from Mexico. If it doesn't come with lettuce, tomatoes, orange shredded cheez and a crunch... it ain't a taco.

Like most dumb down Latin chain restos, they are notorious for lighting fast speed and service... Take your order, bring out the food and disappear for the rest of the night. Hell, you know it's made in America when all the servers are dress like Speedy Gonzalez with the really bad Mexican't accent. They wanna get you in and out fast and head home because the grub will make you run for the border... Twice.

Chips and Salsa might as well be Fritos and Rotel... It would be spicier!

Artichoke Cheez Dip can make Art dip his chip in cheez and choke. Did they use bleu cheez or was it just moldy? It seemed like it sat in a cave for weeks.

Paella was Mexican Fwied Wice served in a cold cast iron pan. Chico and Chang's laughs at them. No crispy yum yums on the bottom... I think they used Pam spray. I wanted to throw this outta the Pella window.
What's with the oven mitts when this pan was colder than my cerveza? Was it all just for show? ....Sho'nuff, Fo'sho!

Veggie Enchilada is best when accompanied by a number to the left of it. Who wants to pronounce 6 syllables in a foreign tongue when you can order with your fingers on one hand? Oh wait, silly me, enchiladas are not made in Mexico... but Idaho. Yes, I da ho because I just sold out coming here.

I know I wouldn't come here for the food... but the view ain't too shabby. There's a lot of hot mess and pink fury up in this piece. Just go next door for decent 'ZA and enjoy a slice of pie while watching some as well.

Ay chihuahua... 2.5 Stars.

ZIPPP!

2813 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 816-8311