There is no shortage for the recipe to obesity around here. Look at all the FUPA that can be had around here... Chubbi's, Long Cornrolls, Taco Smack, Five Guts, Bobby Pees, Porkin & Hindenburg, Pesto's, Shits the Experience, Wet Squidbillies, Crapburger, Grand Buffoon II, Waddle House, Chik-fil-Ahole, ill Bowcio... Just thinking about them gives me IBS.
Quietly opened a few weeks ago without any fanfare... The employees are as clueless as the customers on what's available to eat or drink in here. A few bottles and a beer tap are visible but are they available?
The first time I went in, I asked for a Fat Tire and the guy is like "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that... Do you want us to call you a tow truck or something?"
Huh, WTF? No, dude, I don't have a FLAT tire, I want a FAT Tire draft, the beer right there that says FAT Tire.
"Oh, I never heard of that beer before!"
Where's my gun, I'm gonna shoot myself in the face.
The menu is classic American junk food found at carnivals, festivals, side shows and supertankers. So, don't worry about pronouncing food words wrong like Provencal, Guanciale, Prosciutto, Quinoa, Gyro or Taco.
Cheese Burger (Single) - Fuck, I shoulda haz a double. It's not a bad looking burger but that friggin' patty was the size of a cocktail doily. The top bun was the right size but the bottom bun... Shit, baybee's got back. It was the size of a booster seat. I can only imagine the thickness was to absorb all the gwease and liquid funk it may spew. The only problem is... The meat was dry and bordering hockey puck status. Pedestrian passable but definitely not crave worthy.
Wings - Naked with Atomic (hottest they got) sauce on the side. Small wings, crispy but not very juicy inside. Just very middling. If you don't eat them quick, they dry out even more and you'll look like a rabid ground hog gnawing the meat off the bones. Atomic sauce... Let's just skip the description. Ok, let's say ketchup is spicier.
Fries - While they were hand cut with skin on... They were limper than Dick Cheney. Not even all these new gourmet burger joints can get it right, why would this place be any different? Frying is an art and all they got is Speedy Gonzalez back there.
Onion Rings - Lord of... The Fuck?! Fuyuns are more authentic. Next.While the food was corporately inspired, the owner was a super nice guy. He owns two other locations in Smyrna which he claims they are a hit... I have no doubt, it's Smyrna.
The place is clean, there's decent parking around, the food is passable and beer is available. It ain't gonna win any James Beard awards but if you're fat, drunk and stupid... This is the place for you, Flounder.
2.5 Stars.
Hump.
Hump.
Squeal.
2591 Piedmont Rd
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 233-2233
www.uscafe.net
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