Making fun of this place is like giving the bird to a blind kid... Kinda defeats the purpose. Not that I go around fingering blind kids or anything. But if you have never been here before... Good, keep it that way.
But if you have, just Tapout now. If you go to the shitter, chances are you will get an Affliction of some sort... What is up with the douchebag with the "Tramp Stamp" tattooed on his back and the wart remover bandage on his elbow? Wait, don't answer that.
The real question is... Where the fuck is the trailer park and is it close by? Because the Sasquatches in here are really really close to the ITP border and I'ma skeered. By law, shouldn't they be wearing a shock collar or something? You know, like on dogs. Mebbe they should put that shock collar around their dicks instead, these fist pumpers will hump anything. They go to the Aquarium and the Belugas stop swimming.
I am almost speechless on the crowd here... Where are you Joe Francis, I know your Guido ass is in here somewhere. It's like Inbreeding Gone Wild. It's like one giant Guido platypus. Instead of an egg-laying, venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal... These specimens are Drakkar-spraying, venomous, Red Bull-drinking, steroid-injecting, fake tan-spraying, Hardy-wearing buffoons. Do they seriously look in the mirror and go "Oh, Yeah!Guido...". This shit baffles the mind.
I like how all the servers were dressed as if they just got off their shift at Hooters and decided not to change for their second job here. Some of them are so fucking wasted that one broad actually went out to her SUV and slept in the cargo area... No need to worry, the accommodations in her trunk is way better than the roach motels her Splenda Daddy usually takes her to.
Drinks are by Red Bull, the food is by Alpo. But the chicks seem to dig that frostee slurpee shit, though. Me, I like drinks that will put pubes on your sack... Whiskey. And when I'm manscaped, I prefer vodka.
This jack shack is fun when you come with a group to point and giggle at the mountain beasts that inhabit this dusty old den... But, if you're solo, I don't know what to tell ya, pal... Except, that the DJ is on the 1's and 2's.
PS- You can also take a pic with one of the Village People... Don't ask me which one but he doesn't like to have drinks in the pic.
Yee-Haw.
5840 Roswell Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30328
(404) 255-7571
http://cocktailcoveonestop.com/cc_sandysprings/index.htm
First Look: 7/2/2008
Georgia's Redneck Riviera, also known as Lake Lanier, has finally leaked it's filth into Atlanta (barely ITP). How did Sandy Springs (Inc.) become the white twash Beverly Hills? With all the Section 8 moving in, you would think the hillbillies would be moving out.
Like the old American Pie, there is still no shortage of bandanas, Oakley's, rebel flags, Old Navy caps (backwards of course), Aqua Net, dirty finger nails, cut off jean shorts, ponytails, clip on key rings, Wranglers, tank tops, glitter nail polish, camel toes, gold chain belts, stwipper shoes, molester-staches, Marlboro Reds and Levi Garret. It was like a Panama City nightmare. WHERE AM I?
Tuesday nights is bike night... ok, how bad could it be? Southside Steve was doing some Rock 100 gig. It started out ok then it rubs on you like crotch rot. I was itching to high tail it outta there. If I stayed one minute longer I woulda got lice and fleas.
Ironically, "cocktail" of any sort can not be found on the menu. How hard is it to cook shrimp in hot water, ice bath it and put it in the fridge? You basically have two choices: fwied or gwilled. At least fwied will kill most bacteria...or the things that falls outta the cook's hair.
Fwied Oyster Basket - First thing I see is a few little nuggets (oysters or hushpuppies?) then followed by some type of "Lotion" in a cup. All this mess sitting on top of a "Bed of Fwies". The batter was cement thick, the oyster dried to prune like consistency and the fwies have been sitting under a heat lamp for way too long. Hell, McDeez fwies are gourmet compared to these canned potato sticks. That lotion turned out to be coleslaw. "It takes the lotion out of the basket!"
Fwied Catfish Basket - Same old mess in a metal bucket...except the catfish was semi moist and tender inside that cocoon they call a batter.
My friend's burga.... looked a burga underneath this ginormous bun. Kinda like our waitress trying to pull off short shorts with cottage cheez dangling out. I didn't know fanny packs were back... or was that a marsupial pouch? Either way she's smuggling meat in it.
This concept might work on a lake with pontoons tied together but on land... it's a stretch. Hell, maybe their third location should be in a trailer park.
You might be a redneck... if you think Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
Moonshine.
2 Stars.
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