Ca Dao

First, there was... Pho Tan Tan (sat out way too long in the sun and got burnt), then came Pho Pasteur (got put out to pasture and slaughtered), next up Bamboo Grill and Hot Pot (kitchen was too hot and dining room empty)... And now, say howdy ho to Ca Dao! What did you call me?

Ca Dao, who? Yeah, that's what I thought. One of the worst locations known to restaurant-kind (besides that dump, Saskatoon), but can they put out the goods and survive? Let's go fill our pouch and find out. I've been driving by every now and then to see what's been up with this space and finally decided to hit it like a HPOA. Empty dining room. Bad sign. Simple but extensive menu. Good Sign. Either way, it would be a cheap one night stand. First served, first come.

Fried Egg Rolls - Super crispy and hot but not greasy. Filler is verra good, too. Minced pork, mushroom, shrimp, carrots, etc. Wrap it up with the lettuce and dip that slong in the Mae-Ploy fish sauce... It's heaven I's tells ya.

Burnt Rice w/ Grilled Pork - Holy shit, this is good. They actually made this properly (given that we were the only people in the entire joint). The rice was a bit sweet, crispy outside and soft inside. You would think it would stick to your teeth and all but the secret is to dip it in the sweet chili fish sauce. The grilled pork was sweet, a bit charred and tender. Came with tomato and cucumber slices, lettuce, cilantro and green onions to create a nice vortex in your piehole. I know a few broads that would love to have that combo in their gape. Squirt.

Dude, look at that crispy edge! Taste my grilled meat, bitches! ...it says.

Pho - With everything, of course. Not greasy, good flavor, rich broth, ample amount of meats and offal... Only gripe is that I like my Pho piping pho-king hot like the surface of the sun. My skin needs exfoliating. It places the broth on the burner or else the pouch gets the hose again. I put in so much Sriracha and Sambal Oelek that it didn't matter after all. Shit was as red as Carrie's prom night... But still not hot/spicy enough for moi.

Bouquet Garni de Pho. Simple but effective. I would wipe my ass with those leaves if I was lost in the woods and had to take a deuce.

The few dishes I have sampled definitely warrants another visit. Some of the App prices were retarded, made me want to put a helmet on... IE: 4 wings in lime chili sauce- $4.99. I asked the only server there if they were dinosaur wings or something and he said, "they are small chicken wings." Hmmm, what a pitch man. Pass. But I am still interested in trying them, next time. Still thinking about that burnt rice, shit is G O O D. The only concern I have is that they are empty with that large space. Based on past tenants with the same cuisine in the same location and the high failure rate... It's gonna be a tough road (sell) for them (the 2 man staff), even though, I really enjoyed the grub.

Pouch Speed.

Burp.

4 Stars.

4646 Buford Highway NW
Atlanta, GA 30341
404-982-0700

Lazeez Tava Fry

That web-footed pee-drinking douche, Costner, might have something with that "If you build it, he will come" bit...

I was on my way to another restaurant when this happens to be next door. Seriously, who stops and eats at another restaurant before the restaurant he was going to in the first place? The answer is... My fat fucking ass that's who. Is that bad?

Anyhoo...

2 Yelp reviews on this joint... Are you shitting me? They have reviews from the AJC, Atlanta Magazine and Gwinnett Daily Post hanging up since like 2008. Either, this joint sucks dingleberry or it's one of those hidden gems that no one can see from the road. Well, it ain't a gem nor does it belong dangling from anal shrubbery, either. But their lunch menu is a pretty good value... Most dishes were around $5. But beware, what you see is what you get. Everything is extra... Like Naan, rice or whatever. It's just weird to eat masala, curry or nihari without some type of starch. I need it or else that shit is like a log flume ride inside of me.

Chicken 65 - Fried chicken makes me giddy as a school girl. They were pretty good since my panties were in a wad. The sweet and hot sauces sucked donkey balls.

Lamb Masala - 3 chunks of lamb and a pretty thick paste of masala which was mild. This mutton was not too shabby but it ain't worth driving up from midtown for this thing.

Goat Nihari - How spicy can you make this thing? Nihari is the spiciest thing you got on the menu right? Yes yes yes... says the man. Well, ok, can you make it 10 times as spicy? Sure we can he says. Came out weaker than a fire hot sauce packet from Taco Bell. Sent it back for reformulation... Came back out with extra ground black pepper. Yay! No wonder Gandhi was so God damn skinny, that fucker prolly sent back all his vittles. Goat was ok, who the fuck can tell with goat... Those things eat old leather boots for Christ's sake. I think I'm just pissed because it was weaker than Zsa Zsa Gabor's hip.

Naan - For $1.25, it was a decent amount. Hot, steamy, a bit crispy, buttery yet not greasy. Prittee prittee tastee.

Basmati Rice - Hey, can we get a lil basmati rice with the "entrees"? Came back out with a boatload of it. Reminded me of that smuggling ship I was in when I was a FOB. If you like to eat one thing a million times... This is it. But it's gonna cost ya... Twooo Dollars.

The family who ran this joint was super nice and friendly... And they didn't even push the Mango Lassi. Eat it Mirza at Panahar! If I was in the area, I would come back and try the other dishes and specials.

I wanted to order more stuff but I was about to have lunch next door.

If you cook it, he will come.

Burp.

4650 Jimmy Carter Boulevard
Norcross, GA 30093
(770) 939-1221

Buckhead Saloon

Dude, it smells like dirty taco meat in here... Did they not clean out Rio Grande's box? I can only imagine how funky their ice box got in this heat without electricity when they closed. Airing that rank skank musta been a bitch. Putting in "Saloon Doors" on the walk-in ain't gonna help either because it still smells like someone's smuggling a dead kitty in their underpants here.

Someone open a window, I'm gonna jump... Oh, we're on the ground floor. Alright, just give me a friggin' drink there, United Colors of Benetton.

Can I haz a Whiskey Old Fashioned...

"Ah, sorry... We don't have bitters or oranges."

Hmmm, is this a Saloon or a Salon? Fine, give me a whiskey with ginger ale then... What kinda whiskey you got there, popped-collar?

"Aah, it's Henry Hill or something..."

Wha daaa fuuu... Isn't he in the witness protection or something... Like dead? Fine, let's have a go at it, IZOD. Shit tasted like Jheri Curl Activator. The only thing that got activated was my bowels. Kneel, before Zod! Splash.

The rest was a blur... There was some Bacardi, a blonde with a nice ass but had one on her face too, a couple of WUPAs, some tool punching his bag in the corner, multiple layers of collars, triple pleated khakis, mandles, and a couple of chimichangas trying to slip out the back door.

They supposedly have food, too... Oh well, so does the zoo.

PS- They have a bathroom attendant. Can you believe that shit? They think they're Cocktail Cove or something.

Flush.

1 Star.

3227 Roswell Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 963-7739

L2O

I met Laurent Gras when I was at the French Culinary Institute in NYC back in 1998. He was a chef judge at my final and he invited me to trail at his infamous restaurant because he liked what I cooked. I did a stint at Peacock Alley in the Waldorf Astoria and moved on to 21 Club... And L.G. mysteriously disappeared from NYC not long after. That was until, I heard that he resurfaced in Chicago with a new restaurant called L2O inside the hotel, Belden-Stratford. What better city to start anew than in Chicago... Which is an amazing culinary town with some of the best restaurants in the Nation. So, I had to put his joint on my list when I traveled up there along with Alinea.

The restaurant located in Lincoln Park is beautiful inside as it is outside. Pure class all the way. There's no need to explain the dishes in detail when the pictures speak a thousand words... Plus, I ate that shit so fast I can't even remember what some of it was...

You may not see it but there's 26 chefs in the kitchen... Pumping away. Squirt.

Amuse bouche #1

Amuse bouche #2

Buttah like no uttah

Shima Aji, roasted garlic chips, red liquid sauce thingy

Peekytoe crab, avocado, ,gelee, lemon oil

Tuna, hamachi, gold leaf and some green leaf thingy... Damn, mofo, it's good to be da King.

Foie Gras... Holy shit, you're good looking and tasting

Pink cold mushy thingy

Shabu-Shabu hiramasa, konbu bouillon, sesame, king oyster, noodles

Korean BBQ

Oodles of noodles

Some cold palate cleanser thingy

Souffle... I didn't poke it, I swear but it was nice and warm. Zippp!

Custom made sorbet concoction with nuts... Not mine tho

Wood fork/chopstix in some cube thingy with macaroon

Not long after I dined here, Laurent Gras has left indefinitely for personal reasons... What they are, who knows but I'm glad that I got to eat his food again with him in the kitchen. Great chef, super nice guy and hopefully I'll see him again and eat his incredibly clean and savory food. Somehow, I get a feeling he will be back in NYC. Call me, brah...

Take a limo, don't walk.

2300 N. Lincoln Park West
Chicago IL 60614
773.868.0002
http://www.l2orestaurant.com/

Baby Tommy's Taste of New York

Opens at 11AM, walked in before noon... And WHAM! I get pie all over my face. When I see about a dozen different pies showing off their trim behind glass... One word comes to mind - Red Light District. I was baffled with all the pies laid out like some greasy glutenous orgy.

I can understand if they were there for display purposes but this ain't Sbarro. There is no way all those pies were freshly made unless they came in at 7AM to prep. Put my order in for a couple of coagulated slices and a hot sammie... Then what appears to be the owner comes in with a Pampers size bag of shredded cheese and a cryovac bag of bloody red sauce... Mebbe someone needed a transfusion. That someone might be me... If he doesn't get that shit out of my sight.

No frills decor but it's clean with that new car smell. Self serve soda fountain, plastic-ware and your generic spices and herbs... But not a garbage can in sight. C'mon, dude, I need something to hide the evidence if it turns out inedible.

Plain Slice - Nothing like a reheated slice. Lil bit of char. Crust was passable. Chewy cheese. Sauce a lil on the sweet side. This slice of trim was acceptable. A fresh made whole pie would prolly taste a lot better and less fishy I bet.

Sausage, Peppers and Onions Sandwich - Let's just say the sausage was Bobbitised, it wasn't whole... It was sliced wiener. Didn't ask for cheese but got it anyways. This guido gyro was oozing with white goo. It was alright. Came with dusty old chips and a Kosher cut dill. L'Chaim.

BBQ Chicken Slice - i know whatcha thinkin'... Why am I ordering this cracker 'Za? I didn't, my fwend did. The chicken was breaded. When the hell is BBQ chicken breaded? This thing would be better off if it was bearded, instead. Remember, the best way to eat a bearded chick is with one leg behind each ear. I think I just dropped sauce.

This joint is fine to grab a quick bite... Nothing more, nothing less. It ain't NY-style, it's mass production for the mass pedestrian-style.

Yeah, yeah... I cheated on my girlfriend down the street with the Acunto (yeah, you heard me- aCunto) ovens... AGAIN. Hi, my name is Gastro and I have a pie addiction.

Carpet.

Muncher.

2.5 Stars.

365 14th ST NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
(404) 874-4445

www.babytommys.com/index.php

Wet Willies

MLK, Jr. had a dream once...

And it wasn't a Wet one.

Let freedom ring from the bowels of my pouch!

The caliber of this joint's menu can be summed up in one word - "Hold the Cheese Fries - Same fries. No cheese."

That shit is pretty witty. I know what you're asking yourself... How can they top that? ...Oh, but they can with the "No Chicken Nachos". Free 'Shock Treatment' to the first person who can guess what's not in there.

Fucking priceless.

This place has Winner written all over it... Or is that pronounced "Wiener"?

Stick a moist finger in my ear because I'm done with this Kool-Aid flavored rinse cycle slush.

Call A Cab? ...No, Call A Proctologist.

Flush.

0 Star.

2450 Piedmont Rd
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 816-0151

www.wetwillies.com

Kokai Thai

This is like the Asian Romper Room.

Thai "Street Food" is the gimmick here... And the gimmick is in the form of a picture menu. You can only assume what kind of clientele they're trying to target. Doesn't Mickey Deez have a picture menu or is that my imagination?

Let's take a look into their Magic Mirror Menu...

I see Tom Kha, I see Pad Thai, I see Massaman, there's Larb Kai over there and there's Pad See Ew in the corner... Ewwwww is about right! With so many other solid options within spitting distance, I decided to get a high colonic here instead because it looked sterile and had pretty colors. Self: Are you wearing that asshat again?

Walked in, empty. Sat down, ice cold plastic. Balls, shrinkage. Ambiance, Hoth System. Menu, so many pretty pictures. Food, Baffling.

What kind of tea you got? The green kind. Glass teapot looked like a water bong. Didn't know if I should smoke it or drink it.

Tom Kha - Hmmm, this doesn't look like the bowl in the picture. It looked like a bowl of whale semen with orange spooge all over it. Fuck it, just don't chew... Swallow. Almost gagged. Dribbled all over my chins.

Panang Chicken Curry - Do you know what Thai Hot is? You want Thai Hot? Ok, no problem. Yeah, you sound real convincing, you lil gash. Shit comes out looking like a clay landscape model. It must be modeled after their rice paddy back home. How cute! With one fell swoop of my spork, I turned their hut into kindling like a monsoon. If this was Thai Hot, then so is my mom. It was so pedestrian to the point that I wanted to look underneath the plate to see how many minutes in the microwave.

Pad Thai - It looked purty good but tasted like a hamster vomit. Shit was so bland that it took the juice of about 3 whole limes to garnish any flavor. Meh.

If I ever come back here, it will be with T-Pain and we'll be ordering the "I'm on a Thai Boat" noodle soup.... I'll eat a mermaid, muthafukka.

Splash.

2 Stars.

5495 Jimmy Carter Blvd
Norcross, GA 30093
(770) 409-9219

One Midtown Kitchen

I ate it... So, should U2.




Is it getting better
Or do you taste the same
Will it make it easier for you now
You got some other chef to blame
You say...

One Chioggia Beet
One Crisp Breast of Veal
When it's one feed
In the night
One half of a Roast Duck
We get to share it
Leaves you famished if you
Don't care for it

Did the food disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had cooked
And you want me to eat without
Well it's...

Too bland
Tonight
To drag the Salt and Pepper out into the light
They're one, but they're not the same
They get to
Season each other
Season each other
One...

Have you come here for deliciousness
Have you come to raise a glass
Have you come here to play Celebrity Chef
To the OTPers kissing your ass

Did I ask too much
More than a taste
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I ate
We're unfulfilled
But we've not the same taste
Well we
Tease each other
Then we do it again
You say
Grub is a temple
Grub a higher law
Grub is a temple
Grub the higher law
You ask me to eat it
But then you make me chew
And I can't be holding down
To what you served
When all you got is burnt

One mouth
One pouch
One bowel
You got to eat what you should
One taste
With each dish
Pastas
Burgers
One pouch
But we've not the same taste
You have to
Feed me better
Feed me better

One Mehtown Kitchen

3 Stars.

559 Dutch Valley Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 892-4111

www.onemidtownkitchen.com

Sushi Avenue on the Square

When my right eye starts to twitch and my left nut starts to itch... It ain't my allergies acting up. It's just a bad sign. I walk in looking like a fucking Leprechaun doing the jig. And Riverdance ain't for another month, yo.

Sat at the bar... First thing I see is the maguro. Freshly thawed. Oh, dear. The 2 page menu looked like a crosswalk because it was so God damn pedestrian. Rolls after rolls... Makes me wanna put on Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies. But don't try to make me put on his short shorts, my one ball looks weird hanging out of them. Asked the server if they had Uni... Yes she sez. Thank you, baby Jesus. What do you order when nothing seems appetizing? Do as the Dickhaters do...

Chicken Karaage - They looked like fried chicken lips. Paper thin slices of chicken, breaded and deep fried usually ends up hard and chewy. Guess what they tasted like? Yup, like Elephant Man's goiters.

Mixed Tempura - Your standard issue of fwied up shit. Couple of skrimps and veggies. Snooze.

Sashimi & Sushi Combo - Dude, WTF is up with the long grain rice? I know sushi rice has gone up but at least Ru San's uses medium grain rice to try to trick me. How did they get the long grain rice to stick together? Who knows but that giant bottle of Elmer's glue wasn't there for the origami. Oh, the fish selection... As varied as a box of travel size Crayons. Not even gonna mention the fucking Cali-Roll...Oh, shit, I just did. Fuck.

Uni - This is what I call mushi sushi. I've seen better droppings on my car. But hey, I'll give them credit for trying.

And then there's the shitty side salad with carrot ginger dressing and miso soup. Nothing sexy about that... Except for one cute server that got miso horny.

I got outta there faster than the dude that dropped a deuce in the can that didn't flush.

Check pweez.

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

131 Sycamore St
Decatur, GA 30030
(404) 378-0228
www.facebook.com/sushiavenuedecatur

Havana Grill

I love family rivalries... Especially, when it's a family food fight. Two of the same thing ain't a bad thing in my book or pouch.

So, who is the real deal here... Havana Restaurant or Havana Grill? It all depends on how you look at it... By blood or by marriage. I base it on who's beans can make me shit my pants first. To tell you the truth, they both tasted and soiled my underpants about the same. But here, they have a few more items like milkshakes, daily specials and pasteles. They also have more seating area.

Empanada - Dough reminded me of a bad American eggroll wrapper... All blistered up like some nasty athlete's foot. Roast pork filler was decent. But this just didn't do it for me... Mebbe if I had some Micatin.

Cubano - Good bread, pressed nicely, crispy yet soft. The meat filler was good as well but a little chintzy. It was properly constructed but it's not the best in ATL. With the limited Cubans available, beggars can't be choosers.

Ropa Vieja - Special of the day... I think they used old socks instead. It looked okay but it was devoid of any flavor. I used almost half a bottle of Mojo Criollo that it looked like I was beating my meat in the corner. Hmmm, that dirty old sock would come in handy right about now.

Yellow Rice - What did you just call me, jefe? Sounds racial. It's almost as bad as 'White Bread'...But this tasted a lot better. Fluffy and yellow... No, I'm not talking about myself. Nothing Earth shattering but it's decent filler. I'm a Twinkie, btw.

Black Beans - A big bowl of it... I needed a big bowl after it. Pretty solid with chopped onions in it. Dude, it's black beans. It ain't gonna make you piss gold... Mebbe black gold.

Pasteles De Guayaba - Filled with guava and cream cheese. Not too shabby but anything that has cream cheese in it always makes think of a bad sushi roll that sushi connoisseurs love.

The joint is clean and the owners/staff are super friendly and nice. Stick with the basics, the tried and true dishes are your best bet. It's nice to have another Cuban option closer to the city. Support local biz, yo.

BTW- One thing Cubans can't make in the south is sweet tea... It must be their teabags. I guess I can relate, I try to avoid dunking my teabag in any type of steeping liquid as well.

Splash.

3 Stars.

3373 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30329
(404) 633-4999

Cocktail Cove

Making fun of this place is like giving the bird to a blind kid... Kinda defeats the purpose. Not that I go around fingering blind kids or anything. But if you have never been here before... Good, keep it that way.

But if you have, just Tapout now. If you go to the shitter, chances are you will get an Affliction of some sort... What is up with the douchebag with the "Tramp Stamp" tattooed on his back and the wart remover bandage on his elbow? Wait, don't answer that.

The real question is... Where the fuck is the trailer park and is it close by? Because the Sasquatches in here are really really close to the ITP border and I'ma skeered. By law, shouldn't they be wearing a shock collar or something? You know, like on dogs. Mebbe they should put that shock collar around their dicks instead, these fist pumpers will hump anything. They go to the Aquarium and the Belugas stop swimming.

I am almost speechless on the crowd here... Where are you Joe Francis, I know your Guido ass is in here somewhere. It's like Inbreeding Gone Wild. It's like one giant Guido platypus. Instead of an egg-laying, venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal... These specimens are Drakkar-spraying, venomous, Red Bull-drinking, steroid-injecting, fake tan-spraying, Hardy-wearing buffoons. Do they seriously look in the mirror and go "Oh, Yeah!Guido...". This shit baffles the mind.

I like how all the servers were dressed as if they just got off their shift at Hooters and decided not to change for their second job here. Some of them are so fucking wasted that one broad actually went out to her SUV and slept in the cargo area... No need to worry, the accommodations in her trunk is way better than the roach motels her Splenda Daddy usually takes her to.

Drinks are by Red Bull, the food is by Alpo. But the chicks seem to dig that frostee slurpee shit, though. Me, I like drinks that will put pubes on your sack... Whiskey. And when I'm manscaped, I prefer vodka.

This jack shack is fun when you come with a group to point and giggle at the mountain beasts that inhabit this dusty old den... But, if you're solo, I don't know what to tell ya, pal... Except, that the DJ is on the 1's and 2's.

PS- You can also take a pic with one of the Village People... Don't ask me which one but he doesn't like to have drinks in the pic.

Yee-Haw.

5840 Roswell Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30328
(404) 255-7571
http://cocktailcoveonestop.com/cc_sandysprings/index.htm


First Look: 7/2/2008

Georgia's Redneck Riviera, also known as Lake Lanier, has finally leaked it's filth into Atlanta (barely ITP). How did Sandy Springs (Inc.) become the white twash Beverly Hills? With all the Section 8 moving in, you would think the hillbillies would be moving out.

Like the old American Pie, there is still no shortage of bandanas, Oakley's, rebel flags, Old Navy caps (backwards of course), Aqua Net, dirty finger nails, cut off jean shorts, ponytails, clip on key rings, Wranglers, tank tops, glitter nail polish, camel toes, gold chain belts, stwipper shoes, molester-staches, Marlboro Reds and Levi Garret. It was like a Panama City nightmare. WHERE AM I?

Tuesday nights is bike night... ok, how bad could it be? Southside Steve was doing some Rock 100 gig. It started out ok then it rubs on you like crotch rot. I was itching to high tail it outta there. If I stayed one minute longer I woulda got lice and fleas.

Ironically, "cocktail" of any sort can not be found on the menu. How hard is it to cook shrimp in hot water, ice bath it and put it in the fridge? You basically have two choices: fwied or gwilled. At least fwied will kill most bacteria...or the things that falls outta the cook's hair.

Fwied Oyster Basket - First thing I see is a few little nuggets (oysters or hushpuppies?) then followed by some type of "Lotion" in a cup. All this mess sitting on top of a "Bed of Fwies". The batter was cement thick, the oyster dried to prune like consistency and the fwies have been sitting under a heat lamp for way too long. Hell, McDeez fwies are gourmet compared to these canned potato sticks. That lotion turned out to be coleslaw. "It takes the lotion out of the basket!"

Fwied Catfish Basket - Same old mess in a metal bucket...except the catfish was semi moist and tender inside that cocoon they call a batter.

My friend's burga.... looked a burga underneath this ginormous bun. Kinda like our waitress trying to pull off short shorts with cottage cheez dangling out. I didn't know fanny packs were back... or was that a marsupial pouch? Either way she's smuggling meat in it.

This concept might work on a lake with pontoons tied together but on land... it's a stretch. Hell, maybe their third location should be in a trailer park.

You might be a redneck... if you think Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.

Moonshine.

2 Stars.

Juicy Green

Juicy and Green... What comes to mind? It ain't the Incredible Hulk... More like the incredible bulk found in a pair of Huggies, Jeans edition.

Be prepared to spend some Greens up in this piece... $5 and change for a small bowl of frozen processed Gerber. You know how much chicken I could get at Popeyes for $5? Just sayin'.

Flavors are decent enough... Nothing stood out in terms of innovation, creativity or taste. It's fine in a very prosaic fashion. Nutella, green apple, mango and all that other jazzy flavors. Snooze.

Overpriced frozen goop in a bowl is getting real tiresome up in this one horse town.

Mistor Ed says Neigh!

Wilburp...

2 Stars.

1046 Highland Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
(404) 892-6700
www.juicygreenyogurt.com

Baroni

I don't know what's more annoying... Wolfgang's phoney Arnold accent or his stupid war cry "Live, Love, Eat!"... Yeah yeah, whatever gets you hard, you Puckin' sellout.

I'm just glad this dump got replaced by the good people from Baraonda and Publik. Puck's pseudo Italian and Asian fusion was a sick joke to pouches and toilets around Atlanta. So many wasted flushes. C'mon, that combination doesn't even make sense... Have you ever seen Rocky eat Oriental food in any of his 6 movies? I didn't think so. Mebbe, he's just not into Korean food because it's so fucking fishy and not comforting at all... Or was that someone else? Who cares.

The menu is casual as it states, just decent solid grub all around at a decent price. It ain't gonna put on knee pads and blow you... But it will give you gentle kisses on the cheeks and tickle your sack. Speaking of satchels...

Veal Meatballs - 6 mini meatballs in tomato sauce. I like watching the broads lining their cheeks with them like a chipmunk. They were tender but could use a handful more of seasoning. They would go better in more main dishes than just Han Solo.

Margherita 'Za - First off, the crust- It's thin and crackly, almost like Matzo. But with a gas oven it's hard to get that high temp and good char (it had spotted char). Sauce was decent, could use some more seasoning and sweetness but only just a tad. The mozzarella didn't do it for me. For this pizza it needed chunks of bufala sprinkled randomly around. Not a bad pie but prolly won't get this again.

Bianca 'Za - Not my choice but I'll stuff that shit in my pouch anyways. Mozza, goat cheese, olives and prosciutto. I usually like my pies lubricated with sauce but if you don't try new things you can't make fun of it. This thing is just too dry for me... It's like carpet munching an old hag with aged cheez. Well, at least that's what I heard.

Overall, the pies weren't bad... Not gonna win any awards or get laid with them but that's not their goal. It's a casual neighborhood joint to stuff your fat face on the cheap. Definitely, a welcomed addition to this area.

Next time, I got my eyeball on the Lamb Sammie... Err, I mean Panini. I just noticed they have Darth Vader's favorite dish... The Penne Arrabiata. I hope it ain't served on a wet tray. Fuck you, Cantina!

PS- They got limoncello!

Munch

3 Stars.

1745 Peachtree St NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 724-9100

www.baroniatl.com

Top Chef Kitchen

I know one Top Chef that won't be eating here... Everybody knows that Asian food is not comforting at all, neither are these Asian plastic chairs here. Plus, the food is too fishy and smells like bad pussy... cat.

I love food shacks in Asian markets... These rickshaw huts are the closest thing to street food we got in Atlanta. Cheap, tasty and fast all under one roof. Since, I was inside this new-fangled Chinese owned and operated Great Wall market... I figured the Chinese grub must be good here. With the title of Top Chef, you better know how to cook Asian food. Walked up, ordered a couple classic dishes and was given a blinking light thingy... WTF. Flashbacks of Longhorns. Almost fainted. Someone open a window.

Ja Jiang Mein - I friggin' lurv this dish but Top Chief's cooking here was only passable at best. Sauce was way too sweet, no black beans, too many chunks (not julienne) of cucumber, ground up mystery meatfu, noodle was gummy and processed tasting (c'mon, you're in a friggin Asian market with varieties of noodles up to your ass). If you let it sit around for awhile, the brown stuff settles to the bottom and there is a shitload of oil on top. Fuck me, talk about a lube job. No wonder it all came out so smoothly.

Szechuan Beef Stew - Came with the same friggin' noodles as with the Ja Jiang Mein. Sichuan my ass, shit was all oil and no peppercorns or chili peppers. My grandma's sex life is spicier than this thing. A few stringy pieces of beef, pizzle and a village load of bitter greens. I've seen better beef stew scooped outta the Gulf. Fuck, that meat mighta been Pelican't.

Oh, the pickled cucumbers were tasty, though.

Since, they are relatively new and other known Yelpies said what they had was better than water boarding... I will most likely come back and explore some other items on the menu.

2.5 Stars for now.

Drip.

2300 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
(678) 638-2988

Pho Mimi

It was like 2:30 in the afternoon and my pouch was acting all bat shit crazy. I was hungrier than a toothless whore... So, I naturally ordered a bowl of Pho. You can slurp and gum that shit down all day long without causing any oral inflammation... That's if you don't have any open sores.

Why on God's green Earth would I get a hot bowl of noodle soup in this heat? Simple. I was delusional... An empty pouch and temps in excess of 90 degrees didn't help. Ok, I admit it, I was piss drunk, too... I was fucking EUI, eating under the influence. I inhaled that shit in 2.35 minutes flat. It was pretty good, broth was nice and not oily. Meat, tripe, tendon, brisket were all passable. The chintzy meatball cut into 4 pieces was a fucking rip for that extra dollar or two.


Grilled Pork Bun was a massive display of crap in a bowl... It was almost a Triple Dog Dare. Lotsa grilled pork, veggies and rice noodles. You gotta used like a gallon of fish sauce just get that shit moist (like my ex-gf) because a hard, dry and veiny noodle always makes me gag when I try to swallow it. You gals know what I'm talking about. Anyone know if my noodle was hand pulled? I don't remember. It was pretty tasty overall if not a good deal.

Fried Eggrolls were crispy but the filling was as interesting as wet sawdust mixed in with larvae. I guess it's fine when you're starving or if you have a case of penis envy.

What really saved them was the Lollicup Honeydew and Peach slushes. That shit was G O O D. It was so hot outside that I was sweating balls and swamping ass. This cooled my taint down and raised my sperm count... My future ex-wife is a lucky gal. Say thank you to Lollicup, my lil buttercup.

The server was really happy... As in Tinkerbell happy. That fairy floated around the joint like Ginger Rogers... Just don't ask me to be your Fred Asshair. And no, I don't need my Bun tossed. Super duper service, though.

1.5 Stars.

If you think I wrote this wasted off my ass... I did.

Burp.

2550 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
(770) 622-9693

Popeyes

Belated post... I'm doing it for the men and women in uniform! ...Because they eat chicken, too.

July 6 is National Fried Chicken Day and I'm growing faster than Kirstie Alley after a weekend of gluttony and debauchery.

There isn't enough Revitagen in the world to cover up them rivers of stretch marks oozing with chicken grease. But I recently got a tip from the Kardashian sisters that mayo works wonders. Not only are they beautiful, they are wise beyond their years. Thank baby Jesus they aren't fucking vegans... Just take a gander at them badonkadonks! Hubba hubba.

But let's get serious here for a minute, July 4th is a day to remember the men and women of the armed forces who made the ultimate sacrifice... And that is not being able to eat fried chicken on a daily basis. WIthout that freedom they provide us, we're no better than the poor people of North Korea, making due with "minced beef and bread"... Hmmm, mebbe Korean food is not comforting after all. Fried Chicken is as American as Hot Dogs are to Kobayashi. Here's to the troops and every fried yard bird loving American!

America...
America...
America, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
America, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom chicken is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game hen is through cause now you have to answer too,
America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my one ball,
America, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
it's the dream that we all share; it's the hope for tomorrow

FUCK YEAH!

Porno, FUCK YEAH!
Valium, FUCK YEAH!
Reeboks, FUCK YEAH!
Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH!
Sushi, FUCK YEAH!
Popeyes, FUCK YEAH!

Burp, FUCK YEAH!

683 Boulevard NE
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 875-7070

Steinbeck's

Tell me about the rabbits, George... Because this menu is absurd. I've heard of an Irish Breakfast, English and Continental, too, but WTF is a Chinese Breakfast and do I really want Slim in the kitchen cooking Chinese food in a pub?

When it first opened, it seemed really cool to have a tiny new edition to the other joints in Oakhurst. But it slowly tapered down to a study in moppishness. It is depressing in here but the staff is pretty friendly and nice. The only thing that saves this place is the booze menu, decent selection of beers and you got all your greatest liquor hits. But the food menu... I have no words to describe it except sloppy like Curley's wife. And it ain't cheap like her either, Crooks.

Truffled Mac & Cheese - Shells Whit a way too creamy sauce that tasted NASA approved. Masking it with a squirt of truffle oil ain't gonna fool anybody... Like me putting on lipstick, doing a tucky and asking you to F me. You wouldn't be able to tell if I had a Mac in my pants or Cheese up my skirt... This bowl of spooge was scandalous.

Long Beans - Who cooked these things, Long Duck Dong? Why is there another Chinese dish in this pub? It was actually kinda tasty but it was so outta place. I heard they're putting Kitfo and Injera on the menu. Yum. I meant Dum.

Brisket Tacos - Fuck no. Flour tortillas straight from the bag. Not even grilled or toasted, shit, nuke the thing at least for Christ's sake. The surprise inside was even more preposterous. It was like a wet sock. Pissing outta the sides like a mangy mutt getting beaten down... Prolly for the meat inside the tacos. Look, I can understand you want to submerge it a broth or jus to keep that dry ass meat from turning into a shit log in this summer heat but dude, at least wring it out before you stuff it in that flour clam. Nothing worse than a case of the pink taco drip.

Who knows, mebbe I ordered the wrong things at the wrong time at the wrong place... Mebbe not. I did spy the smoked chicken wings and they looked aight. But I couldn't decipher what that slop on the other plates were.

This place is good for a drink or two but anything more than that in this cramped space... You might as well ask for a bullet to the back of the head. Isn't that right Lennie?

I gotta go home and stroke my rabbit.

Bang.

2 Stars.

659 E Lake Dr
Ste B
Decatur, GA 30030
(404) 373-1116

www.steinbecksbar.com

Tavern 99

You know that feeling you get when you park and you just kinda sit there staring at the joint and you wanna pinch a loaf in your pants so you don't have to go in?

Eeh, I didn't think so... It's prolly just me. Oh no, I think I got peeping turtle.

Formerly the dump known as Aiko... Comes a douche-birth even sleazier than Pauly D's Cadillac tattoo. I didn't know Cadillac was Eyetalian... Hey, you learn something new everyday. Fuck, if I was any dumber than the broad next to me, I woulda thought I was back in Long Island circa 1986. She did have a nice rack of lamb, though... But she smelled like hamster vomit.

Anyhoo, back to this cum stain on the seat of life... I came to see what the Buckhead scene was like nowadays and this hole was calling my name. You think a Thursday night would be slammed but the only thing that was... Was the skank in the corner spread eagle. Her garage door has been opened one too many times. It's like parking a scooter in a 2 car garage. Wait, I think it was Lindsay Lohand-job. I don't know what's going on in this area but it seems like there's a new species being bred... A cross between Guido and Emo. Guimos?

Supposedly there are "specials" at the bar on Thursday nights... A $5 Cheeseburger and this Flip a Dwink thing. Who knows because the dickweed bartender looked like he was staring at goats in the corner. Fucker had the attitude that his dickcheese didn't stink or something. Never mentioned the specials. Asked 3 times for water, finally had the Mexican't bar back get the water, even he sported an attitude. WTF. Dude, don't make me call Jan Brewer, maricón. Btw, I think you spilled water on your back. Bartender comes back, asks what do you want to drink and walks off before I can even get a word off... But my middle finger was quicker on the draw.

Finally, I got my drink on... A whiskey old-fashioned. Shit was disgusting. Mistor Personality comes back and says you have 1 minute to order food (what bar kitchen closes before 10pm?). So, naturally I got the cheeseburga special and wings. You can't fuck that up right? (eyeball rolling)

Cheeseburger w/ Tots - Did I order an orange on a bun? Holy shit, that cheddar looked like a giant condom on my meat. Kinda sad it didn't have a smiley face on it. Got it medium rare temp... Guess that heffer ain't grass fed, organic or local. Yeah! That burger was average at best. Worth about $5... Oh wait, it was the special of the night. Tots were gross, oily and had some funky aftertaste. But the pickle was spot on.

Wings - Naked w/ Habanero sauce on the side. These wings looked like they were boiled and then fried. They were so pale and bland, I felt like I was eating Marilyn Manson's fingers. It was passable but that habanero sauce was disgusting. Scoville units of 69... Tasted like dirty ass. That's why I always get it on the side, you never know what these numbnuts will serve you.

I was very tempted to get that Banh Mi... But y'all prolly don't want to read what I have to say about that thing of diarrhetic proportions.

Overall, this place is depwessing as fuck... Makes me wanna Roofie my own drink and violate myself. The place was empty, the bartender seemed like he had better things to do than work, flirting with chicks and giving them free shots all night, asking him for a drink that I am paying for was like pulling his pud, the worse was when he couldn't get the bill right with the Scoutmob dealio, took him 4 tries and he charged the full amount on the burger and never flipped my drinks. FU, douchewipe.

To cap off the night, the Photo Hunt machine touchscreen didn't work and ate up the dollar... FU Photo Cunt. Never fucking again... And that habanero sauce gave a whole new meaning to IBS.

Flush.

1 Star.

128 E Andrews
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 835-8311
www.tavern99.com/

Amuse!

3 Words: Better Off Dead.

Mmm, Lane Meyer's mom...

"I've created dinner mon dieu -- including Fronch fries ... Fronch dressing ... and Fronch bread. And to drink ..." (holding up a bottle of Perrier) "Pay-roo!"

This joint only adds to the misery that is French (inspired) Cuisine in Atlanta. Amuse is to French as Taverna Fiorentina is to Italian. A delicious meal of Malarkey and Tomfoolery served with a side of Hornswoggle... As evident by the box of Near East Couscous proudly displayed on the corner of the blackboard special of "Couscous Royal" (see pic). Can you fucking believe that? A dusty old box of couscous just hanging there like baby Jesus. All I could think of was... Ok, where's that box of Kraft Mac & Cheez at? It's up only on Tuesdays? Damn, bamboozled, again!

The menu online is not updated at all... No foie gras. No pork belly. No lobsta risotto. Boo! The actual menu and black board specials didn't sound too bad but not exactly enticing, either. Made me miss Allegro a little bit. Tried to find some classic dishes but this was all I could come up with...

Country Pate - Looked prittee prittee good... Nice assortment of olives and cornichons, buttery toasted slices of baguette, Dijon mustard and then a big hunk of free-formed minced meat. This thing was so dry, it fell apart like a 3 day old leper. Where's the lardon, the bacon, the fat? My only thought was... SPAM never sounded so good.

Rabbit Provencal - Tell me about the rabbit, Georgina! Sounds tasty! Too bad it tasted like it came from the Latrine Province. Pappardelle was fine but the sauce of olives was so overwhelming, I wanted to order a Martini to thin it out. This rodent was on the auto dry cycle for at least 12 hours, another hour it coulda been varmint jerky.

Cassoulet de Toulouse w/ Duck Confit - Ooooh, sounds soooo Fwench! Looked like a God damn Mars crater... With a Martian Leg in it. Awww, all them white beans looked like cute little NASA astronauts. Too bad they tasted like soggy maggots. Duck leg was tender but almost flavorless... It was a confit, not Easy-Bake, right?

What a mess... And they just ran out of toilette paper. It's a shame because the place was adorable and could be so much better if they just hired a frog to cook the food. The server was wonderful and happy go lucky. The wine was fine. But always check your bill... Because they will bend you over and tickle your taint if you're not looking.

They tried to charge me $24 for that swamp beaver when it had $19 written next to it. The manager was like... "Oh, the fish stew on top is $19 and the rabbit is $24, it's the opposite." Dude, don't make me pistol whip you right now, the heat in my pants ain't from my sweaty ball. After giving him the 1000 yard stare, he finally said he would take care of it but the check mysteriously reappeared unadjusted. Had to send it back again and came back corrected 15 minutes later. It was so pathetic that I almost felt sorry for that putz. You can't scam me... I cans read good.

Now where's my change?

I want my two dollars.

Keep the change you filthy animal.

Flush.

Two dollars.

1 Star.

560 Dutch Valley Rd
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 888-1890
www.amuseatlanta.com/

US Cafe

Add another link to the chain up in this area... US Cafe is the newest addition to the franchise army that is taking over the Lindbergh and Sydney Marcus area. So, let's not get ahead of ourselves here with the 5 star reviews.

There is no shortage for the recipe to obesity around here. Look at all the FUPA that can be had around here... Chubbi's, Long Cornrolls, Taco Smack, Five Guts, Bobby Pees, Porkin & Hindenburg, Pesto's, Shits the Experience, Wet Squidbillies, Crapburger, Grand Buffoon II, Waddle House, Chik-fil-Ahole, ill Bowcio... Just thinking about them gives me IBS.

Quietly opened a few weeks ago without any fanfare... The employees are as clueless as the customers on what's available to eat or drink in here. A few bottles and a beer tap are visible but are they available?

The first time I went in, I asked for a Fat Tire and the guy is like "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that... Do you want us to call you a tow truck or something?"

Huh, WTF? No, dude, I don't have a FLAT tire, I want a FAT Tire draft, the beer right there that says FAT Tire.

"Oh, I never heard of that beer before!"

Where's my gun, I'm gonna shoot myself in the face.

The menu is classic American junk food found at carnivals, festivals, side shows and supertankers. So, don't worry about pronouncing food words wrong like Provencal, Guanciale, Prosciutto, Quinoa, Gyro or Taco.

Cheese Burger (Single) - Fuck, I shoulda haz a double. It's not a bad looking burger but that friggin' patty was the size of a cocktail doily. The top bun was the right size but the bottom bun... Shit, baybee's got back. It was the size of a booster seat. I can only imagine the thickness was to absorb all the gwease and liquid funk it may spew. The only problem is... The meat was dry and bordering hockey puck status. Pedestrian passable but definitely not crave worthy.

Wings - Naked with Atomic (hottest they got) sauce on the side. Small wings, crispy but not very juicy inside. Just very middling. If you don't eat them quick, they dry out even more and you'll look like a rabid ground hog gnawing the meat off the bones. Atomic sauce... Let's just skip the description. Ok, let's say ketchup is spicier.

Fries - While they were hand cut with skin on... They were limper than Dick Cheney. Not even all these new gourmet burger joints can get it right, why would this place be any different? Frying is an art and all they got is Speedy Gonzalez back there.

Onion Rings - Lord of... The Fuck?! Fuyuns are more authentic. Next.

While the food was corporately inspired, the owner was a super nice guy. He owns two other locations in Smyrna which he claims they are a hit... I have no doubt, it's Smyrna.

The place is clean, there's decent parking around, the food is passable and beer is available. It ain't gonna win any James Beard awards but if you're fat, drunk and stupid... This is the place for you, Flounder.

2.5 Stars.

Hump.

Hump.

Squeal.

2591 Piedmont Rd
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 233-2233
www.uscafe.net