PONKO Chicken

If there's fwied cheekan to be had, the pouch will sniff it out no matter where it is located... And there is a newish cheekan joint that decided to make their coop off an access road on Chamblee Tucker Rd. This area is like a blackhole, no one comes around here. It kinda reminds me of a rest stop off the Jersey Turnpike... But not even low rent hookers will service any Johns in this wretched hive of scum and villainy. But the pouch will cruise for action anywhere when it comes to cheekan. This is the strangest location for a fast casual resto, there is absolutely zero visibility or foot traffic around here. But I will bet that the rent here is prolly cheap as fuck and required minimal start up costs. There's some warehouses and offices around here but it still baffles the mind on their location choice... But that doesn't bother the pouch, I have risked life and limb in shithole areas of Atlanta all in the name of chicken. This location is a cake walk... Pulled into the lot and it was surprisingly busy. Seems like they do a lot of pick up/take out orders during lunch. The inside is modern and clean and looked surprisingly nice for a cheekan joint. Their entire menu is a spin off the Japanese tonkatsu, instead of a breaded fried pork cutlet, it's all chicken... And veggie patty or tofu is also available if you're into that crap. There is no bone-in cheekan options, boooo! But let's take a first look, anyways...

Spicy Ponko Tenders Plate, Ponko fries. It's like 4 decent size chicken tenders with 2 sides for $10. The tenders were crispy on the outside and moist on the inside, the spicy sauce coated the tenders fully. It wasn't that spicy but it will do for most pedestrians. The Ponko fries were just ok... Seasoned lightly with spices and herbs but they were pretty crispy. I liked the tenders, they're pretty good quality. I would prolly get them again if I was cruising for action around here but I would get the sauce on the side next time so they stay extra crispy longer.

Potato Salad. This was the second side with the plate... And it was a real snoozer. It was creamy with some toothy bites but it was pretty much bland and under seasoned. Their other sides are pretty limited and nothing really that interesting.

Ponko Rice Box, pickles, ranch. This is the basic rice box for $7, it's just rice and chicken with a little ranch and pickles. This was the regular Ponko tenders which were just as tasty as the spicy ones. I mean it's just friggin panko breaded tenders deep fried and thrown in a box with rice, it's not rocket science or some new culinary invention.. It's just simple food and it hits the stop for a quick snack but I would get bored real fast if I ate this regularly.

It's a cute little chicken tender spot in the middle of nowhere but it looks like they're just doing fine during the lunch rush. I doubt they're as busy later in the evening but who knows... I won't be reporting on the dinner crowd because I will prolly be too fucked up to drive that far up once the sun goes down along with the brown juice down into the pouch... But my one fan is more than welcomed to check it out, they are open till 10PM daily... Usually, around the same time that I'll be crying myself to sleep in a church basement somewhere.

2896 Chamblee Tucker Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341
www.ponkochicken.com

Popeyes Ghost Pepper Wings

It's been awhile since I made a visit to my beloved mistress... I'm so fat these days that I limit myself to visit Popeyes only once a month. Well, that's what I tell myself because I can barely get up and fit in my car on a daily basis. But now, Popeyes has once again given me a reason to get off my medical grade visco elastic memory foam mattress for the rotund class with their newest promo product, the Ghost Pepper Wings. Their commercials looked promising and dericious... And after watching it for the 4th time, I already had one foot off the bed with a sock half on. That may not sound like much to the average person with a normal BMI, but for the pouch that's like Neil Armstrong... One small step for portly men, one giant leap for pouchkind.
I threw on a moo-moo and oozed myself into the car and proceeded to the nearest drive thru. My lips were chapped from this cold weather and I needed an application of grease on my cheekan lips, STAT. I don't know how many times I licked my lips from them being chapped or just thinking about these wings while I waited and waited in the drive thru line. I shoulda just went inside, instead... But I was afraid of breaking down another door in my haste and excitement, it was so embarrassing that last time. I finally inched my way to the window and was handed a bag of piping hot wings, the bag was so hot it was steaming when it hit the cold air from the window to my car. I hope these are as good as they smell... I drove home as quick as I could to dive right in... The suspense was killing me... Like the corns on my feet from laying in bed for an extended period of time. Finally, rolled myself into the house and ripped the bag open like an entitled snot nosed kid on Christmas morning in total exhilaration for my prize... 

The official box made it look legit... Time to open the prize.

We happy? Vincent?! We happy? Yeah, we happy... Look at that spread, it looks more valuable than Bitcoin. That is pure cheekan gold. They give you 6 pieces of drums and flats and a biscuit. I was wheezing from the steaming wings with a spicy aroma that's unique to the ghost peppers. Picked one up and the flaky texturous crust had an ultra crunchy feel. Took a bite, yep, it was super crispy and crunchy like all their signature cheekan and the meat was juicy and tender... But one thing was missing... The heat of the ghost pepper. While the wings had hints of bright red spots on them, they lacked the heat like with anything that has come into contact with ghost peppers. They were not ghost pepper spicy at all, but they should make these as their everyday standard spicy level chicken. The wings themselves were good but I would not get them again since their regular cheekan is still the best. But these wings did the trick to lube my fried chicken lips back to normal pH levels and lubed my fat ass with more cushion for the pushin'... Bless my toilet's heart.

Golden Eagle

I know what y'all are thinking... Did the Eagle open another location with golden showers? Don't be embarrassed, I was thinking the exact same thing... Well, that's because I'm an obeast sicko and my pea brain is always in the gutter like how Popeyes is always in the pouch. But no, this ain't the Eagle #2 and there isn't any water sports involved. This is the new swanky cocktail bar with a throw back decor from the golden age with a lodgey feel. It's a nice cozy space and they poured a good amount of loot in here and the horseshoe shaped bar is evident of the classy style they're trying to purvey. But what about the crowd, pouch? Will Atlanta's millennials and pedestrians embrace this style and location... By the looks of the large crowd on a recent Friday night, yes and no. Almost everyone in here were here just from the hype, the see and be seen crowd, and the 'first to review' Yelper types.
Enough of the dweebs in here, pouch, what about the food and booze? The cocktail menu kinda reminded me of the SOS Tiki Bar and the food menu had a Ticonderoga Club feel. I almost throw up a lil when I saw a $33 brick chicken and a $10 wedge salad on the menu. But there were some interesting items on the menu but I saw the crab rangoons the people next to me ordered and they were just an insult to all the slutty hole in the wall Chino joints. Before we get to the grub, it's time to booze first... Nothing on their cocktail menu sounded that interesting, so, I got a sazerac but they decided to make me a drink off their cocktail menu instead. I said to the server when he brought it over that there's no way that was a sazerac, it looked like an orange Fanta... Ok, I like orange. So, I took a sip and it tasted ok, told the server I rather have the sazerac... But instead, of leaving the drink as a kind gesture for waiting 25 minutes for the wrong drink, he whisked that drink right into the sink... What a fucking waste, that's alcohol abuse, yo. I put in a bunch of plates, so, while I waited for my drink again and the food to come by, the only thing I had was a glass of tap water to whet my appetite... It's clean, it's cold, now, that's what I call high quality H2O to cleanse the palate. Fuck that... Water sucks, Gatorade is better... And booze is even better. Jesus, now, I'm getting the sweats and twitches from withdrawal. The pouch's BAC level needs to be maintained at a minimum of .16-.19% or else bad shit happens... Literally, it gives me bad shits being sober. Speaking of IBS-D, let's see if the grub will be an enabler to my chronic curse...

Crispy Shaved Okra, lime salt. I liked this tasty littl snack, it's a great finger food for my fat stubby sausage fingaz to claw at. They were pretty good and it was a decent portion. They reminded me of fried green beans.

Burrata, roasted acorn squash, pistachio-sorghum butter, blackberries. It's not a bad looking dish but there's a lot going on in there... Locating the main star of the plate was a bit difficult until I noticed a gooey mass under the acorn squash... Usually, a gooey mass can be found in my underpants the morning after from boozing all night long and passing out on the bathroom floor. The burrata was creamy but needed seasoning even with all that stuff on it. The flavors worked pretty well and ask for more bread because those two thin slices of grilled bread ain't gonna do it. I would order it again if I had a couple of drinks in me first... Speaking of which, Jesus, I'm still waiting on that goddamn sazerac.

Okonomiyaki, basil, mint, togarashi, bonito. What the fuck is that? Looked like a M-80 exploded on that plate. The moving bonito on top is an old party trick but the pedestrians here are eating that shit up like it's alive. The pancake was basically all napa cabbage and not enough batter. It's far from a classic okonomiyaki but no one here will even know the difference between this and Yoko Ono, anyways.

Garlic Knots. I'm not a fan of garlic knots but somehow the roundeyes eat this shit up like there's no tomorrow. The worst offender of this specimen is Ippolito's greasy ass garlic rolls and I thought it couldn't get any greasier until I encountered these creastures swimming in a buttery grease bath. They would be acceptable if they weren't so lubed up and once is more than enough for a lifetime. This ain't no bar grub.

Steak Tartare, smoked bone marrow, herb salad, grilled sourdough. It looked pretty impressive when it came out but after reading the menu again this looked worse than the bone marrow topped off with 2 cups of tobiko at Blue Top. Who thought spreading steak tartare on top of the bone marrow would be a good idea... I understand what their thought process was on this but that doesn't mean it's a good idea in execution and for the paying customer. You're gonna have to scrape off all the tartare anyways to get to the marrow... And plus, that way they don't have to put that much tartare on there as well. The little portion of tartare and marrow was way off in the spread to bread ratio... That giant piece of bread was like a garden paver. They should have switched breads with the burrata. Overall, it was borderline acceptable, it wasn't awful in taste but there's not much meat on this bone... But if you like bread, you're in for a treat.

Griddled Sweetbreads, mostarda, toasted sesame. I luv me some offal but this sweetbread was tiny, it wasn't even the size of a Matchbox car. The sweetbreads were overcooked, tough and unseasoned. It was pretty much a waste of time and money on this dish. Skip it and spend it on something else more fulfilling, instead, on this limited menu.

This location has always been cursed but I like what they have done here, they did a great job on the design and space, I even kinda like that giant moose head above the bar... I know it's kinda gaudy and faddy but it works in this space. The gimmicky cocktail menu looked ok, the drinks were average and the food menu needs some work, it's not that interesting but it works for now and will definitely need to evolve down the road. The service was pretty attentive. The crowd is annoying at times but what do you expect with a new place that has been hyped up... I don't know if this will be on my rotation with this first look but I know that I will let this place die down before I head back to see if they have improved... And the mandatory valet is just ridiculous for this concept. Everyone fucking hates valet because they can give two fucks about your car... And that alone makes me not want to go back any time soon... Or I should just ride my motorcycle there next time so they can't fuck it up.
Bless their hearts.

904 Memorial Dr SE
Atlanta, GA 30316
www.goldeneagleatl.com

Village Burger

I can't believe I'm saying this but Main Street in Tucker is kinda cute and has that homey small town feel. It kinda reminds me of Punxsutawney in Groundhogs Day because every once in awhile you can spot a giant rodent like creasture named Phil drinking a beer at the Local 7... I think he saw his shadow and scurried back into his hellhole and then Snowpocalypse befell upon Atlanta last week. Now, the snow has cleared, the milk and bread supply has been exhausted and it's time for da Pouch to venture out to scavenge for food. There's a handful of eateries on this stretch... Matthews Cafeteria has been around for a long time and a local favorite, a Mexican't joint, a growler spot, M572 which closed not too long ago and replaced by the Freakin Incan, and the newly opened Village Burger. I have never been to this burger joint since they're located out in the boonies of Dunwoody and Johns Creek. Ok, the new Tucker location is not exactly close to the city but it's their closest location without dealing with a ton of traffic and distance. 
It looks kinda small from the outside but once you go inside, it's quite roomy. It's the standard slaughter house concept- get in line, order at the counter, get a number, find a table and wait to be fed. The grub comes out pretty quickly but that's not a surprise, since the kitchen looked like it was running in 6th gear, humming along nicely. I thought my fat body sack would blend in here with the other fat fucks grazing in here but the patrons were not as obeast as I thought initially... Don't get me wrong here, there were a few oinkers guzzling down burgers like Wimpy on a Saturday but there were also a lot of high school type kids and families here, too. Time to fill up this abyss of a marsupial pouch with little Joey burgers, let's take a gander...

Chicken Tenders. The tenders are a little on the thin side but the crust was crispy and not too thick which made up for the size. But they give you a nice portion of it. I wished they had better sauces to dip these little chippies into. Not bad but I don't know if I would get them again.

Chicago Dog, topped with mustard, relish, onion, pickle, tomato, sport peppers and celery salt. Dude, I think there's two wieners on that bun... I mowed the garden down to the side and there sure was two pizzle skin flutes in there. What the fuck is this about? This musta been a mistake.. But I ain't gonna open my fat snout about it except to inhale this double hog. The dogs tasted like bland cheapo wieners from Piggly Wiggly... Ikea's hot dogs have more flavor than these things. The bun was so overloaded with all that crap on top you could barely eat it.. But make no mistake, this was not a Chicago Dog whatsoever. I wanted to ask them if they had chopsticks to eat this with... But then I remember I had a travel foldable pair on me, never leave home without it. Skip this Chicago fraud.

House Burger. Their basic burger. You can pile as much free shit on there as you please but why? Just keep it simple with the basics so you can actually taste the burger itself. It's an acceptable burger, it was seasoned ok and it wasn't dried out, really nothing to write home about, but it works for them and their target audience. It ain't gonna win any awards but all the 5 year olds in here gave it a thumbs up. See? Screw you Pouch and your fancypants taste, our local VIPs love it and now, we're.. Vindicated! I just got kicked in the nads by kindergartners... Bless your heart, Village Burger.

Onion Rings & Fried Pickles. You can do a half and half of basically anything on their sides menu which is nice. Both the rings and pickles were pretty good... Seems like their sides are better than the mains here.

It's totally acceptable to grab a quick Village burger and other snacks here every now and then... Even for a rotund village idiot like me that will eat anything, but I must admit, I would be back only if I was in the area and nothing else was open. Let's face it, burger joints like this are a dime a dozen and there's one on every corner. Shit, even Flip Burger with the celebrity name and money behind it has basically closed all their stores including their primo Buckhead location that just bit the dust quietly. I like to support local restos but it's just not craveworthy enough to get me back here on a weekly or even monthly basis but for this cozy little Main street and the locals that live around here, this little burger joint may just do it for them.

2329 Main St.
Tucker, GA 30084
http://villageburger.com/

Yebisuya Ramen

Ramen joints are a dime a dozen these days, they are fucking everywhere in every major city... That's even true for Atlanta which is kinda amazing. I see more ramen joints than I see chicken bones on the streets in Atlanta. Yes, if y'all didn't noticed, a ton of ramen chains, local and national, have been popping up everywhere in this one horse town. Ramen is on a fast track to replace the taco with the gringos who's eternal love for Mexican't slop is just plain perplexing... Now, all the hipsters are on a ramen and pho kick. This new ramen joint has been in the works for awhile... It was a bit surprising to find out that Shoya was behind this project which is only a couple doors down. Shoya already has a kick ass menu which included a plethora of ramen bowls and they are pretty damn good already...
 So, why open up a joint dedicated to ramen on a few feet away from their flagship and next to Kula, the newish conveyor belt sushi? After dominating this vacant strip mall for years since they opened, maybe they wanted to lock down another space before it gets all gobbled up with all the new recent activity this once dead mall has been seeing in the last couple years. It's like all of the sudden people realized this mall was here... And a bunch of new restos have been opening up shop, some doing well and others not so well. This new ramen venture could prove to be a godsend or a total fucking disaster for the Shoya team.
Since, I love shit shows so much, I couldn't wait to find out what's the deal was with this ramen joint... With Shoya behind it and known for their quality execution on their menu, this could be the next it ramen joint. Time for the pouch to make a trip to the goat rodeo.
Jesus fucking Christ, there was a line out front longer than the human centipede part 3. Walked in and put the pouch's name down on the list... They said it was about a 30 minute wait, fine, I'll just take a walk around Brandsmart and look for a new Tempur-Pedic because my shitty mattress is crushed, air coils and springs got nothing on me. Waddled back here and the line haven't moved an inch... It's even longer. At least the place was full of FOBs which was a good sign. Every one of those slopes were on the phone looking so serious like they were trying to negotiate a peace accord to disarm North Korea's nuclear program.

I hope they came to an agreement with some concessions... Speaking of concessions... Fucking feed me already, Seymour! I'm starving! I need blood... It's getting too stuffy in here with all this diplomacy going on, I'm going outside to check out the display window.

I love this shit out front. Plastic food displays are usually a good sign. They do this shit all over in Asia. We may be in for a treat, motherfuckers... They just need to hurry the fuck up and bus some empty tables.

Let's take a closer look at the details... This plastic food is making da pouch growl with hunger pains. Went back in and looked on his chicken scratch list, still fucking 4 groups to go before me... Pouch is getting upset! ...Wait, did someone say cheekan? Finally, after another 15 minzies of standing on the newly developed corns on my hoofs, they called for the pouch. First thing I'm doing is slamming down a couple of brewskis...

Papa Beer and Baby Beer. So, I asked them how big is the large vs. the medium... The answer was "I don't know" and then the server points to another table with the beer size. Ok, that's helpful, you fucking putz. Fine, I'll get one of each then. I need a beer chaser for my beer shot. The Asahi Super Dry large was pretty big but not worth $12. Even the medium for $6 was a rip... Am I in Buckhead? Shoya's house whisky is $6 and they pour like 8 ounces in that motherfucker. But whatever, let's get some grub...

Chuuka Karage, marinated jelly fish w/ veggies. This was a tasty little treat. It was seasoned nicely and had a great crunch to them. Coulda been a bit more spicy but it was totally acceptable. Next...

Yakisoba w/ pork. Look at this sad sack of shit. Putting a turd on a fancy white square plate doesn't make it look anymore appetizing. This was a sad sight to behold because over at Shoya, they put their yakisoba on a sizzler plate, hot and sizzling and fucking tastes amazing. This specimen looked like shitty lo mein from any hole in the wall Chino joint. It was liquidity and mushy and lacked any flavor. It was executed so half-assed that my fat ass barely got through a quarter of this slop. I threw this up later without assistance and it looked exactly the same as it did on the plate in my white toilet bowl. Skip this overpriced plate of worms, Michael.

Tonkatsu. Finally, something that looked correctly executed... And it was. It was crispy and crunchy on the outside and tender and moist on the inside. The Japanese hot mustard cleans you out so you smell all the yum yums about to come. Good shit... More, send more food.

Yulinchi Fried Chicken, Chinese ginger sauce. What da fuck is this? I knew I shoulda ordered the fucking regular chicken kaarage... But noooooo, this fat fuck had to be adventurous and order this soaking fried chicken dish. First of all, there wasn't even any hint of ginger flavor or aroma, it tasted like grated daikon with mirin sweetened soy sauce dumped all over the once was crispy crust. I liked that they used dark meat but this whole execution was so bad that the crust started falling off like that Nazi Gestapo agent's face in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You can tell that they just put the broken crust pieces back on top of it because it didn't even fit correctly... They prolly suck at Jenga. This whole dish was a soggy mess and lacked any distinguishable flavor... Which is baffling because it's friggin fried cheekan and we all know that all fried cheekan is full of flavor. This chicken must have been made in China because it tasted like a knock off. This dish coulda been so much better if it was done right, but for now I would just stick with the kaarage... If I ever make it back here for a next time.

Premium Tonkotsu Ramen. For a few seconds, I though about getting the tonkotsu black ramen... But my pouch said stick with the plan you fat fuck. They have a "powerful" bowl that is like twice the size... I was tempted but what if it sucked ass? Luckily, I stuck with the regular size bowl... Well, that's because I was thinking about getting another bowl to try after this one. After arriving in front of my snout, I was so damn glad I did not get the "powerful" bowl. Look at that egg.. It's totally hard boiled and had a faint hint of color from the shoyu on the outside. It's like they just dipped the egg in dark soy before throwing it into the bowl. Took a sip of the broth and closed my eyeballs... What the fuck, yo? Absolutely tasteless... Nothing. No collagen, no stickiness, no rich creaminess, no bone flavor. It was like a triple watered down can of generic cream of mushroom soup from Food Lion without the mushroom bits. They squeezed off a few squirts of oil in there to pretend it was collagen rich. Totally fucking weak ass bullshit tonkotsu broth... I can't believe Shoya would put this garbage out and charge money for it. Let's take a deeper dive into the rest of the ingredients... 

The straight noodles seemed legit for a tonkotsu but it tasted off, chalky and mushy... It's like a double kick to the nads with bad broth and bad ramen. I was so done with this tonkotsu ramen 60 seconds in... The chashu pork was fine, that had more flavor than anything else in this bowl. The fermented bamboo slices (menma) were acceptable as well. But that hard boiled egg was just a slap in the face from a place that should have known better. This entire bowl was truly a let down... Which really bums me out because Shoya has been killing it for so long. I just don't get why they could be so off the mark with this tonkotsu vs. Shoya's tonkotsu only steps away. I don't know if it's just opening kinks but I doubt it, they know the difference between a properly made tonkotsu broth and something slapped together with instant semi homemade shit. I would just skip this garbage and wait until they get their shit together... Well, let's hope they can get their shit together because this first impression makes me want to run over to H Mart and buy a month's supply of instant tonkotsu ramen before I come back here for it... Which the Nissin instant tonkotsu ramen is light years better than this dismal display. See below...

Jesus, I am such a fucking ball buster... But seriously, this instant tonkotsu ramen is legit for under a dollar. They also have the black garlic oil tonkotsu flavor, too, which is even better... Holy shit, I'm getting hungry again.

The best thing about this new ramen joint is the display case out front... Just stop by and admire the wonderful display of craftsmanship of plastic ramen bowls and then keep walking down to Shoya for a proper bowl of ramen and other izakaya goodies... And say, "Good luck, suckaz!" to all the dopes waiting over an hour to sample this slop. Come to think of it, I should have taken my own advice... But my muffin top clearly have cut off the blood flow to my tiny brain. Walking out of this joint afterwards was like doing the walk of shame after beer goggling a fugly heifer the night before at Five Paces Inn. And I am so ashamed right now for even writing this up... Bless Shoya's heart.

Flush.


6035 Peachtree Road, #A-105
Doraville, GA 30360
http://yebisuyaramen.com/

Another year, another McRib

Just like clockwork and bowel movements... The McRib mysteriously appears from obscurity back into the limelight during Thanksgiving time. The hunt for the Ma-Crib during the rest of the year is near impossible except for some franchisees that hoard the limited supply of frozen molded rib meat in some hidden vault in a cellar next to their harem of homeless runaways.
Once a year, the pouch is on the quest for the elusive 100% pork meat trimmings that is restructured and shaped into a small rack of ribs with BBQ sauce, onions and pickles between a 5 1/2" roll. It is one of the most beloved and vile specimen ever devised by fast food kind... And the pouch will eat the fuck outta it on an annual basis. Now, where the fuck can I find one of these creastures... You can never find these things in the city, it's always available at some mossback rural hick town... Maybe that's because you can eat the Ma-Crib with no teeth since there's no bones in it. I had to go all the way down to goddamn fucking Macon to gum the fuck outta this beast... I know what y'all are saying, why the fuck would you drive to bumblefuck nowhere USA, are you fucking schizo, pouch? Yes, I have been out of touch with reality since 1972... But y'all know that I would do anything for my one fan's loyalty. Ok, I was heading down to south Georgia anyways for turkey day. So, you motherfuckers are in for a treat... If I can get out alive.

The tradition lives on! OMG... Look at it, it even has it's own packaging this year... And not tossed into a sausage gravy and biscuit styrofoam box like last year. This shit is glorious and seems legit now... I'm in awe right now with no bodily control whatsoever... I think I just soiled my underpants a la Jackson Pollock's Number 2... And I haven't even taken a bite yet. Open this shit up already, pouch! We want a look at the goods!

I swore I heard a southern Baptist church choir singing in the back ground when this specimen was revealed in all it's glory... And it looked like a total mess. There was HFCS brown jizz all over the place like a bukkake scene on a Japanese school girl's face. What dope in the back put this together? It looked like he played hacky sack with this. Is that onions or packing peanuts? Lifted up the bun to inspect the innards and it looked like someone attempted to make a fucked up blooming onion on my Ma-Crib with a few slices of pickles tossed in there haphazardly. The pork meat patty still retained it's iconic shape of fake rib bones and meat... Still excessively bathe in the mysterious and cloyingly sweet sticky brown sauce. Fuck it, I'm going in... Someone call my parents and tell them I love them and that I went down doing what I loved for my one reader. Took the first bite... Jesus, it was so soft and mushy. I mean like everything had the same texture with every bite. If you closed your eyes, you could be eating a dirty dish water sponge or a seasoned foam mat under an urinal. That's prolly the best way to eat this thing... With your eyes closed and mouth wide open. Let's face it, no one enjoys eating this forensic exhibit on any level. I have seen homeless people turn down a bag full of them, they rather starve and freeze to death under a bridge than have this sewer sausage sit in their stomach for days. But yet, as I continue to bite, chew and swallow, I find myself enjoying it a little more and more... I know, it's fucking baffling. I wouldn't say it's delicious but it grows on you with every bite like mold in a moist crawlspace. I was eating this thing as fast as I could so I can get the fuck outta there ASAP... So, the only way to do it was to trick the pouch into thinking this was like Popeyes or a Double Down. But this creasture slowed my ass down with the few remaining bites... This thing drops in your gut like a ton of bricks, just sitting there waiting to be slowly digested over a 1000 years like the Sarlacc. I don't think I can even 2 finga diet this fucker up...Those fake rib bones act like barbs on a hook and it only goes one way... Down and out. I managed to complete this annual challenge once again but my age and rotund figure may finally be catching up with the iron pouch. Fuck that noise, I'm just fucking with my one fan... I will continue to consume mass quantities until I can consume no more. And I will always report all the feed that's fit to print on this ridiculous obscure blog... Which is anything and everything that's considered a food group or not, the pouch never discriminates.

Another year and McRib down... I don't know how many more years the pouch have left on this measly rock but we all know that the McRib will never age, mold or go bad for centuries. So, if I do live longer than another 5 years, I always got the Ma-Crib to look forward to in this measly life. Jesus, why didn't you show me the right path to take in life instead of directing me to fucking McDonalds year after year... Thanks for nothing, mofo. I know what I'll be doing after another session on the throne... Crying myself to sleep in my own filth.

I'll see ya next year, Ma-Crib.

Flush.

JR Crickets vs. American Deli: The Lemon Pepper Wet Challenge

Now, that the whole lemon pepper wet hype has died down a bit from the social media's flavor of the week... Wait, was lemon pepper wet even a thing or was it just all in my tiny pea brain universe? Who knows but the pouch is gonna bring that shit back with a vengeance (hopefully my bowels can handle it)... With a lemon pepper wet challenge. Jesus, I can feel the IBS-D and gout flare up lining up to punish the pouch's stupid ass challenges...C'mon, I was triple dog dared by Scut Farkus.. Or was I just dreaming that shit by the endless showings of A Christmas Story. Whatever, I don't care, I'm still gonna do it anyways. So, the question was who else does a lemon pepper wet besides J.R. Cricket's to go head to head for this challenge... Hmmm, good question. Wait, isn't there a dumpy chain with an American Chinese grub menu that does lemon pepper wet? Yes! Fucking American Deli does. Oh, this is so fucking on like Foghorn Leghorn... Did someone say fwied cheekan legz? Let's get to the challenge first with American Deli.. Because 'Murica!

American Deli LPW-

Their combo meal is pretty decent for under $10 and they don't charge you extra for extra wet... They just drown that shit with so much lemon pepper jizz like a Japanese bukkake flick. And I fucking love them for it. The more lemon pepper jizzlobbery the better this challenge will be. These wings were made to order and they were pretty crispy in the beginning, they get a bit soggy after sitting in that lemon pepper bukkake juice. The lemon pepper flavor has a distinct zesty flavor and follows through the entire time but after awhile you get that fake chemical seasoning aftertaste and it's also salty as fuck, too. Thank god, I got the combo with the unlimited refills of orange Fanta... Nothing says love than more HFCS for the pouch. Like I ain't obeast enough already, but I like orange. The medium sized wings are pretty good and they are juicy and moist since they were made to order. The lemon pepper will get overwhelming after the 6th wing... But only if you keep drowning it in the sauce with each bite. The crinkle cut brown bag were surprisingly decent and crispy and clean tasting.

J.R. Cricket's LPW-

This is what everyone has been jerking off on social media about. It's a 50/50 mix of the regular old mild buffalo wing sauce with a decent amount of the lemon pepper seasoning mix. Ask them to make it a bit more wet or else they come out somewhat dry... But they charge you extra for the "wet", so might as well make them wetter. I like the extra pool of sludge on the bottom to bathe each wing before it goes into my snout. The wings here are a tad bigger than American Deli's and they are a bit more crispier, the juiciness and tenderness of the flesh is just as good as AD's... That is if both were made fresh to order for the comparison. Their normal buffalo sauce is kinda weak but it still overshadows the flavor of the lemon pepper. The lemon pepper seasoning acts almost like a topping of flavor sprinkles. You only get hints of it here and there. It's pretty much just a normal order of buffalo wings... But that doesn't mean it was bad. I like their wings, I just don't know if I like their lemon pepper wet that much to be ordering it consistently. The regular straight cut brown bag fries were a bit soggy from some buffalo sauce that seemed to be poured on accidentally. Still edible but nothing to write home about.

So, who wins out on the LPW challenge? I would say it's a tie. Both have their pros and cons and both were pretty tasty. But if it was based solely on who was lemon pepper wetter... Then that goes to American Deli just because the wings were doing a backstroke in it's own bukkake juice. But that's about it on what American Deli has to offer, just the wings and nothing else... I witnessed their "Chinese" food. Good god, for the love of baby Jesus... Just don't do it. You'll be bukkake-ing the face of your toilet bowl with a special bowel brew afterwards... And it ain't gonna be creamy white.

But wait... The pouch ain't done with this shit yet... Y'all know that the pouch can't stop with just ordering one thing. Since, I was at J.R. Crickets already, I had to try a few other nibbles. Let's take a gander at what else they offer besides wings.

Chicken Finger, onion rings. So, they have a lot of different combos and you can basically mix and match anything, just ask them and they will do it within reason. The cheekan fingaz were made to order and they were pretty decent, a bit on the thin side for the chicken itself but the crust/breading was light and crispy. The onion rings were on the medium/large size which were acceptable considering everything in this basket was fried to fat fuck status.

Ribs. C'mon, stop it... You're not serious, Pouch, about getting ribs here are you? Fuck yeah, I am, broski. This was part of the combo (chicken and ribs). You can also get ribs on the side but you can't get one rib for 50 cents or 15 cents for a sip of soda nor pour it in your hand for a dime. I can't believe I'm saying this but the ribs were actually decent. They were moist and tender with a hint of smoke... And it didn't taste like liquid smoke, either, I hope. They don't drown the ribs in the thick ass BBQ sauce to mask the quality like at many other places. The ribs are on the smaller side but they did have a decent amount of meat on there in this combo deal. I still can't believe these were decent enough for me to not tear them a new bunghole for it... Baffling.

Overall, this lemon pepper wet wing challenge turned out better than expected with no serious casualties to my bowels... Yet. 


After a couple days with no reported side effects from the LPW wings and combo challenge... I had another hankering for wangz again... So, I went back again to see if the grub was just an one off or if they actually can keep this consistency up... Why am I such a fat fuck, it's so embarrassing that I can't control my muffin top. Let's see what other crap was stuffed into the pouch.

Lemon Pepper Wings & Chicken, onion rings. Since, the lemon pepper wet wasn't all that it claimed to be, I went for just the regular old lemon pepper... And they were a lot better without the wet hot sauce part. This time the lemon pepper zesty flavor came through... But the wings seemed a bit smaller than the last visit. Still totally acceptable, though. And of course, since, I can't resist fwied cheekan I had to order it again. This time the cheekan fingaz were thicker and better, but the crispy crust was just as crunchy as the last time. The onion rings were also better because the batter held on to the onion rings a lot better and very crispy as well. All around a decent showing... So far.

Naked Wings & Clam Strips, fries. I know what y'all are saying... Clam Strips?!! Yes, motherfuckers, the Pouch loves goddamn clam strips, they remind me of HoJo's when I was just a small sack. I usually like my wings naked most of the time because they stay crispy for longer and I like to dip my wings in the sauce one at a time. If the hot sauce sucks then the rest of the wings aren't tainted. Since, I know their regular hot sauce is weak as fuck, so, I asked for an amped up version of the buffalo hot sauce. I'm not a fan of their 3 mile island meltdown because it's so thick but I think they just added some into the regular hot sauce to give it an extra kick for me. The naked wings are the way to go, they stay crispy longer and it just tastes better when dipped into the sauce one at a time. The fries were just the same as last time, just belly filler. But what about those damn clam strips you have been jerking off about so much, pouch?! They were pretty sad... Over fried, dried out and basically just a tooth chipping fried clam turd... But I ate it anyways. I just hate to waste food and yes, I will eat anything because I am a disgusting obeast creasture. I just thought about Fork in the Road's awesome clam strip dinner the whole time I was shoveling these mini clam dongs into my facehole to trick myself into thinking they were good. Skip the clam strips, my one fan.

Eating this much fried food can't be... Well, y'all know how good that is for you. But it sure tastes good going down and I'll forget all about it after I cry myself to sleep and waking up the next week 10 pounds heavier. But these are the types of culinary challenges the pouch is willing to conquer for it's one loyal fan.

Pump pump... Squirt.

Crazy Crab Seafood House

This washed up strip mall in Northlake has been a hobo hangout of sorts... The only thing that really keeps this dumpy mall alive is Coco Cabana and they are fucking suspect as hell... Their menu is just ok but the club scene on the weekends are just a fiesta loca. There is a helluva lot of salsa dancing and sweaty belly rubbing to the tunes of Marc Anthony and Pitbull. The fashion of the patrons looked it came off the run way of a halfway house... Or a donation box outside of Kacey's Home Cooking. So much fucking muffin topping up in that piece... And half of the crowd ain't even Latinos, they're Mexican'ts. It may look like an episode of Life Goes On but in reality it's just an organized shit show of mutts in there... And I can't wait to go back for a revisit.
But a few doors down, there was a spot that once lived a mythical creasture called Mandarin Palace that dwell in this lair for dynasties until one day it just mutated into Red Bowl Asian Bistro... What the fuck is the thought behind this move? Trying to capture the millennial demographics? Not in this neck of the woods... I don't think they can even capture the possum and raccoon demographics in this area. Even the pouch said no fucking way after reading the menu... I can get that shit anywhere, USA.
And then not even months later it transformed into a crab boil joint... These fucking things have been popping up everywhere in the last 2 years. You just can't eat this shit everyday, not even once a month, it's just too goddamn messy to eat... Plus, making this shit at home is easy as fuck, even a fat fuck like this oinker can do it. Just toss everything in a pot and turn it to 11. Dunzo.
But pouch, we don't care about your home made slop... We want to know what's the deal with this new crab joint. Don't worry, my one reader will get the scoop on this crab shanty soon enough... Like now... The inside hasn't changed much, they just basically redecorated it with a seaside riff. It's cheesy as fuck but it's clean at least. Jesus, I'm scratching my one ball already... I can feel the crabs crawling up my pants to attack my shriveled sack. Stay the fuck away from the baby turtle or else there will be trouble. Ok, let's take a first look... I'm kinda skeered, just a lil lady bit.

Crazy Crab Seafood Boil Combo for 2, snow crab legs, shrimp, crawfish, clams, mussels, sausage, corn, potatoes. When the server brought this out, I was like why the fuck is she putting the garbage on a silver platter on our table... Shouldn't they be taking out the garbage through the back door? Is this the Royal family's stool bag from under their throne? I was about to yell rat shit until she said that's the combo boil. Ok, I'll buy that, my mistake... For now. Let's open up this sack of suds...

Release the Kraken! And my button fly popped open... Behold! Tis a hefty serving, more than enough for 2 piglets. You can get different flavors and heat levels. But most people will prolly get the garlic butter and mild heat level... Just get the hot sauce on the side and add to it as you like because we all know most hot sauce sucks midget balls. Digging through this cinch sack revealed a lot of food... It's just all resting on the bottom beneath the snow crab legs. It's messy and greasy as fuck, so they give you a plastic lobster bibb and rubber gloves to compensate for this IBSD in a bag on a silver platter... I can hear those crabs saying, no glove no surimi. It's a good boil but what boil isn't? Unless it's full of rancid rotten seafood or just way over cooked to mush. I wouldn't be surprised if most of these ingredients were frozen but it tasted just fine. I ain't gonna rush back here for another combo deal any time soon but it was respectable enough to tell people about it... Shit, I may have spoken too soon... My bowels are starting to erupt into a musical score... Sounds almost like the Flight of the Valkyries... This may be how angels lose their wings... In a shit storm they can't fly through. Ok, it wasn't that bad... But there were some grumblings in the pouch like the Frog King and Lemmiwinks were battling within.

Fried Oyster Basket, cajun fries, hush puppies. The picture looks much heftier than it was... There were about 8 medium size oyster, some with more breading outside than the sea snot inside. They were ok tasting, nothing that gave you an explosion of flavors in your mouth when you bite into them. The cajun fries were regular old brown bag fries with a dusting of fake Old Bay, not much flavor to it... I had to keep dipping it in the garlic hot sauce that came with the boil combo. Hush puppies are always boring, just saw dust filler to trick your stomach that it's satiated. Overall, it's not a bad fried basket just not a lot of oomph to it. When I think of fried oysters, I think of a fat bellied oyster with a light thin crispy crust that literally explodes in your mouth with the full power of it's briny jizz... I think I just soiled my cameltoe underpants thinking about it. Now, I'm thinking about Fork in the Road's fried clam strip dinner... That shit is so good, just like HoJo's back in the days. Based on this oyster fried basket, I assume their other baskets will be similar in taste and execution... Shit, most of them will be from the freezer anyways. Unless you're fucking starving, I wouldn't order the fry baskets... Just stick to the boil items.

I don't have anything too bad to say about this joint, it was actually decent for what it was and it wasn't "Crazy"... But based on the initial small crowd in here on a weekend night, they may be manifesting into another trendy concept in the near future if this doesn't pan out... I don't want to say it but it may eventually have something to do with poke. But in the mean time, I won't stop my one reader from making a visit here. I don't think it will matter much to the viability of this spot but Coco Cabana will still be living la vida loca now matter how many times Sybil changes her personality in this space.

4073 Lavista Rd Suite 369
Tucker, GA 30084
http://www.crazycrabga.com/

Popeyes

Remember the look on Vincent's face when he opened up Marcellus' briefcase? That's the same exact look I had when I opened up this golden fried 10 piece mixed box special from Popeyes. This box is basically the window to my soul... Well, more like window to my pouch but there's not much to see since it's usually filled with fwied cheekan most of the time. I haven't had Popeyes in a long time... Ok, it was a month but that's like a life time in the pouch's universe.
Opening this box up was like gentile yutes opening up presents on Christmas morning... Well, from what I heard anyways because we were too poor to buy Christmas presents since I knew there was no Santa, just a pervy fat slob dressed up with his fly undone at the mall... I still wonder to this day if I was sitting on the arm of the chair or his wooden unit. And maybe being part of the tribe had something to do with not getting any XMAS prizes, too. But celebrating any holiday with a box of Popeyes is accepted across all religions... Instead of celebrating one day with the entire box of this 10 piece mixed, I can celebrate the festival of lights with one piece of cheekan per day. I know what y'all are saying... But there's 10 pieces of cheekan, pouch and Hanukkah is only 8 days long. I know motherfuckers, but there's 9 candles on the Menorah and the 10th piece is for Hanukkah Harry because he's an even fatter fuck than I am. Like a good Hebe, I know how to stretch the price of a single meal at home over 8 days because I don't roll on Shabbos, bitches.
Let's get back on track here... So, Popeyes is running a promo til the end of this month with this 10 piece mixed special for $10. It is a fucking steal... You can't beat that deal with a stick. So, naturally I had to get a box... I thought about getting 3 boxes and sell two to a local restaurant to resell as their own to prospective customers because it's just so good. But in reality I would be eating all 30 pieces if they were sitting in front of me... So, I ended up just getting one box for a rainy day of Stranger Things 2 binge watching. Shit, that 10 piece box will be inhaled way before the 1st episode has even ended. We all know how fucking good Popeyes is already, y'all don't need me to go into details about these gifts from god... But I'm gonna anyways.

10 Piece Mixed Half and Half. I usually just get all spicy but today, I went with half and half... And asked them for 4 handfuls of hot sauce. She's like are you fucking nuts, fatso? I like to paint my cheekan red like the streets of Valencia during La Tomatina... But just much spicier. Jesus, look at the crust on that specimen... It's making me moist all over. Better make sure I have packets of wet naps at the ready for the hot sauce bath about to commence. Yeah, I dump a shitload of hot sauce on the spicy pieces but it's not spicy, it's just merely seasoned to the pouch. The mild is like a blank canvass... So, I basically do the same shit to it as the spicy. The crust is so crispy and not too thick, either... And it holds up to the hot sauce bath. The flesh is so tender and juicy, seasoned so fucking perfectly every time. I love Popeyes so much... I kinda want to have intimate relations with it in my Oval office...AKA the toilet. I don't know what the fuck that means exactly but it's prolly sick coming from the pouch. Bottomline: Popeyes is still the king of fwied cheekan... And Eleven gets to go to the Snow Ball with Mike.

Pump
Pump
Squirt

Arby's Venison Sandwich

I love the bullshit gimmicks from fast food joints that try to lure you in through their doors, they make me wet... I mean like real wet where I have to change into a pair of Depends. I have been sporting those new cameltoe underpants lately and the attention I have been getting is off the hook... Shit, I coulda had some obeast sucka treat me to a meal at Arby's, instead of spending my hard earned cash for laying on my back... But since I have been waiting and waiting for this day to come to fruition, I wanted to be alone with this strapping young buck to devote all my attention to this specimen. The last time I ate at an Arby's, they had the pork belly sandwich which left me kinda impressed with the real pork belly inside. It wasn't gonna change the world but it was totally borderline passable and edible that I would sacrifice myself to their next gimmick for the love of my one reader's loyalty.

Then Arby's teased the world with their vension burger which was available only at selected test locations and Atlanta was not one of them. But now, months later, corporate decided to launch it nationwide... They quietly teased us before and now they are aiming to please everyone across 'Murica with the taste of a freshly killed Bambi between two buns. This gimmick has been gaining some traction in the media leading up to the release and now, to make it even more special and elusive- They are doing it for one day only... "The Venison Sandwich is available on October 21st, quantities are limited." These motherfuckers really know how to cock tease before the release date and then cock block you if you can't make it exactly on that date. You're fucked if you arrive a day late for your buck. But seriously, what makes this sando so special? Well, let's take a look on their website to see what the fuss is all about...

"This limited time sandwich features a thick-cut venison steak marinated in garlic, salt, and pepper and is cooked for three hours to juicy perfection. It’s topped with crispy onions and a juniper berry cabernet steak sauce infused with juniper berries. Served on a toasted star top bun.​​"

Fuck me... They really know how to give you an 8 point boner. That poster board with that juicy manmeat between two buns can make you jizz in your pants instantly with one look... Shit, I open my window and a breeze rolls in and I jizz in my pants but that's another review. But what's this in the fine print... Only two sandos per guest? WTF, yo... I really wanted to buy a bunch of them and freeze them for future sale on the dark web like Rick & Morty's Szechuan Sauce. Damn it, I guess let me try one first before I over extend myself from all the hype.

This meat craft is more like witch craft... Putting a spell on me to buy into this bullshit gimmick. Ok, I'm game... Got suckered in, again! Thanks fat 'Murica, you did it, again! It's a pretty big box... That's what she said, what she said... Why did you say that twice, pouch? ...I didn't. I can only imagine the size of the manmeat stuffed inside that box, I hope it's moist.

Ok, I see two wrinkled buns in a box... Shit, I can get that for free at the assisted living home down the street. Funny, this doesn't look like the picture on the poster board... My 8 pointer just became a 2 pointer. I mean there is nothing sticking out between the buns... Did they forget the venison, onion rings and cabernet steak sauce? Maybe it's time to lift the skirt up and see what's hiding in between those buns because this ain't no man's sando at first glance... Ok, maybe a sando for an emasculated one or a married one. Poor fellas, bless their hearts...

Holy shit... What the fuck is this? Looks like a penis fly trap... I just covered up my junk with my hands instinctively. It's like a self-defense mechanism after staring into the depths of hell of this beast. Those onion rings looked like the remaining bits after a brit milah... Done KFC (Korean fried chicken) style, double fried. This is depressing as fuck... Look at it, it's just sad. Where the fuck is the beef, Wendy? That so-called thick cut venison steak looked like a sewer rat steak. Where's the Nikey venison pump when you need one. I have seen mud flaps thicker than this. That juniper berry cabernet steak sauce looked like a farmer's blow during allergy season. Jesus, I have to eat this? And this fucking thing wasn't cheap... It was over $11 for the meal deal with curly fries and a drink. Goddammit, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and just dive into this muff head first... The shit I do for my one reader. 

Took a couple of bites to inspect this specimen... Looks kinda pornographic doesn't it? Is it weird that I'm kinda getting a blood flow right now... Nevermind. Wait, now, I know why this looked familiar... It totally looks like Christy Mack's lady bits. She was smoking hot before her beat down from the War Machine but this piece of meat looked more beaten up than her face and porn career now.

The more I ate this out, the more it looked like Seka's dried up hatchet wound... Jesus Christ, look at this dark matter, it's evil in it's purest form. Look at how the bun deflated like a whoopee cushion. With all the ingredients listed in this venison burger, you would think there's one hint of flavor that would shine through... Nope, nada, zilch, nothing. It was as bland as the day is long. And it's fucking deer meat, it should be somewhat gamey at least... But these were farm raised so we all know how much flavor develops with anything farm raised GMO's finest. It was chewy but not stringy or sinewy, it was just a mass of tasteless meat substance that coulda been anything that once lived in a test tube. Is it gross that I'm already thinking how this will look coming out the other end? Maybe I should just do the two finga diet and spare the pouch from IBS-D later on... No, I'm a trooper and I will fight til the end for my one fan. I woulda thought the juniper berry cabernet steak sauce would give some hint of flavor since juniper berries are quite distinctive... No to that either. The whole thing was just a fucking total mess. I don't see this selling out anytime soon within a day... Not even within a month's time.

Did I get sucka'd in from their monthly gimmicks? Fuck yeah, I did and knowingly did, too. I am not a SMRT man but I know what has to be done for my readership... Jesus, why am I still doing this blog... This is the stupidest food review blog since Yelp. Look at what I am fucking eating and reviewing... I'm like an Elite douchebag. C'mon, how can anyone find this garbage practical. Christ, now, I'm just self-deprecating myself... Like I'm not depressed enough already. No wonder why I slam so much brown juice down to take away the pain and IBS-D. I'm going home to get really fucked up and cry myself asleep tonight, again... And then I will wake up to a new day and another gimmick to report back to my one true fan. But as for the Arby's venison sandwich... I did it so y'all don't have to. I jumped on the grenade for my one fan... But it didn't go the way I thought, instead, I got crushed by the fat chick and in this case it was a mysterious meat flap.

Flush. 

MOD Pizza

This is the new normal... Fast Casual has really put a dent in the pockets of the decades old national chain restaurants. They just can't figure out what the millennials want... They tried with the kimchi tacos, no takers. They tried with the unlimited happy hour bar snack slop, no takers. They tried with moonshine, gluten-free, small plates (tapas), burritos, burger eggrolls, avocado toasts, poke bowls and no takers. But one type of fast food has been killing it with the trust fund hipster crowd... Good old fucking 'ZA. Pizza has been around since the dawn of time... Cavemen took the perfectly round and freshly laid dinosaur turd and topped it with herbs and veggies and let it sit out in the sun to bake and viola, the first "piece of shit" pie was created. Then the Eyetalians stole that idea (like noodles from the Chinos and called it pasta) and shorten it to "pizza" and wiped their greasy fingers on the crust to personalize it to give it that shiny ginzo glaze... And now, as we all know, it's a household name.
Fast forward a few decades and pizza has gone gourmet and hipster and pizza makers have become a celebrity of sorts... And now, the millennials can pretend to be pizzaiolos and famous on Instagram, too. The "create your own" style of fast casual fare is what the millennials want because they are all crybabies... That's why they love Chipotle and all the other California style burrito joints, they always get what they want if they bitch enough... Just like how they worked their parents to pay for everything well into their late 30's.
But anyways... The whole custom design artisanal 'ZA has been gaining a lot of traction lately with Blaze Pizza and MOD Pizza expanding across the nation... And the sheeple have been digging it. Blaze Pizza opened up off North Decatur Road and there was a line 100+ deep because they were giving away free pizza. MOD Pizza recently opened up in the new and shiny Decatur Crossing next to City BBQ but there was no lines around the block because no free pizza were to be had... Which was fine by me because I rather pay for my sloppy 'ZA in exchange for no lines. As with all fast casual concepts these days- you get on line and order as you go down the line. Pretty much standard issued slaughter house protocol... But what made me laugh was the pizza dough. The have them prepped already on the different size pizza pans on a rack on the wall and then pull them down for each order... But here's why I laughed so hard... The dough looked like a fucking flour tortilla from any burrito chain in town. Then they run a "tenderized" all over the dough so it doesn't rise in the oven, obviously. The act of it was so comedic... It was like aerating your lawn. I wonder if they have them in shoe form in the back when they make a giant lump of dough in the Hobart mixer.
You know, unlimited toppings for the same price is a very dangerous game... You know the fat 'Muricans can't help themselves to get as much value outta their dollar as possible.. And this fat fuck was thinking the same goddamn thing! Jesus, I am such a portly sucka when it comes to anything unlimited. I promised myself I would not go overboard or else I would waterboard myself when rolled home after gorging at the trough of unlimited ingredients. You know what, motherfuckers... I'm just gonna order by number, one of their premade specialties on the wall so I won't be tempted to dump more shit on there.... Let's take a first look...

6" Jasper, mozzarella, mushrooms, spicy italian sausage, red sauce. Ok, the whole- I won't add more shit on this dinky pie just went out the window when the girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted anything else on my 'ZA.... And this is what a fat fuck looks like... Totally veering off the plan. Thank baby Jesus they don't have mirrors in here. I would prolly throw up at the sight of myself. Look at this fucking thing, it's a goddamn mess... It looked like I just jizzed all over it and created a zombie mask for the Little 5 Point Halloween parade this weekend... Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket... Yeah, it's my Halloween costume, see. I tell y'all what... This bullshit 'ZA was not bad at all... It was totally edible and the crust held up to the beating from the dumpster load of toppings. Jesus, do I dare say I kinda enjoyed it? Fuck yeah, bitches... Ok, I had a couple or six cocktails before coming here. Next!

6" Lucy Sunshine, mozzarella, parmesan, artichokes, garlic, dollops of red sauce. I tried not to bastardize this skank too much, just added cheekan bits to it for a little protein. I don't know what happened to the dollops of red sauce but it ain't in there or under all that stuff. But I kinda liked  this one too... What the fuck, dude? C'mon, stop joshing around, pouch and just give us the skinny... That's kinda ironic. But yeah, the artichokes were plenty and cheese melted nicely... Ok, the chicken chunks were kinda dry but that's a given when that shit has been sitting in a metal bucket for hours. The crust ain't bad, it was cooked through nicely and had some char spots... It ain't no Napolentana style 'ZA with 00 Caputo flour, buffala mozz and San Marzano 'maters, but for what it was and the price of this thing, it was kinda worth it.

11" MOD custom, crap on a dough... The Frankenstein of 'ZA. Just walk up to the counter and say "yes, pweez"... And they will just load up or take a giant load of crap on that tortilla dough with every ingredient they have up in this piece.  This was the standard size pie and I had to try it of course. The two little mini pies were decent enough so I had to see what they could do with their flagship 11" pie... Fuck the double crust bullshit, unless you like thick doughy shit. Look at that beast, the only thing left off it was a 10 piece box of Popeyes spicy fwied cheekan.... Mmm, cheekan... Snap outta it you fatso. As with the mini 6" pies, this turned out not too bad either... But of course with that much shit and weight on it, the center is gonna be a bit doughy and flimsy. The plump floozy at the next table looked to had what was her science project from the 8th grade... A fucking giant volcano of toppings on that thin crust. Jesus, watching it eat that mess was like watching an elephant walk a tight rope made of dental floss... Half of those ingredients went into her facehole and the other half fell inside her moo-moo and settled in between her fat rolls. She's saving that for later, bro.

Listen, my one reader... Don't be a fat piece of shit like me. Drop the fucking chalupa... And don't pile on the toppings just because you can... Ok, order two pies, one that is normal and the other like a dump truck just backed up on it. I won't blame you for that... Because that's what I fucking did.  
The pizza here ain't gonna win any awards but it may win over a bunch of fucking picky ass millennials and definitely a bunch of families with screaming demonspawns because it's cheap, filling and decently tasty. But seriously, don't over build your pies... Less MOD the better. They're cheap enough to get a few different versions to try. Shit, I can't believe I'm saying this... But I would come back if I needed a cheap filler pizza fix. Goddamnit, pouch, you are losing your touch... The fat must have traveled up to your tiny brain.

2502 Blackmon Dr Suite 810
Decatur, GA 30033
https://modpizza.com/locations/decatur/

Chinatown Food Court Revist

This food court has been there for the pouch through thick and thin over the years... Well, it has been mostly thick. Shit, who am I kidding... I was never thin, I have gotten thicker and thicker over the years. I have moved from stout status up to rotund rank. This ching chong food court is, has been and always will be the double D tits for great grub on the cheap... And it's even better when you're drunk as a freshman sorority hooker. I still remember those hazing days when the sisters would use thick Sharpies and circle the fat rolls all over my fatbag body... And I wasn't even pledging a sorority, the frat across the street sent me there to get their baseballs... Have you seen my baseball, err, wiener? I only did it because they promised me some franks and beans they were making that night... What? I was a lonely 4th year senior and they said they would be my friend in exchange for dues and an elephant walk... Fun, I like the circus!
But anyways, enough of my glory days... Let's get back to the chow... So, I got back into town late from a road trip to Charleston and I was fucking starving like a fat Gap girl... I needed some good grub quick and on the cheap since I spent most of my money on a ton of food all over Charleston. Luckily, this food court was on my way home... I thought about Food Terminal but eating there is a whole production and time consuming... I just wanted to consume mass quantities in a short amount of time as possible and then cry myself to sleep at home. This Chino food court has never failed me before.
Let's see what was stuffed into the pouch before it went into a tearful hibernation...

Chong Qing Hot Pot.

Salt and Pepper Shrimp. So, I heard that their S&P skrimpz were totally kick ass... I have never gotten it because it sounded so fucking gringo but fuck it, why not? Let's see what all the fuss was about... And this depressing display was what I got. This is why I usually don't listen to people's food advice... They are usually wrong 99% of the time. This was the most rancid sample of S&P shrimp I have ever had. The batter was thick, heavy and hard... Once, you bust through that armor plating, you will find a second layer of depression that was the so called shrimp. They were not normal shrimp, they were tiny salad shrimp... Some of them even reminded me of the tiny dried shrimp where you soak them in water to reconstitute them... And half of them were still dried and hard. It was fucking inedible.. A fucking travesty. If this visual wasn't bad enough... Keep reading...

I spread this crap apart like the red sea and look at all the fried batter bits left over from the fry basket... They just dumped all the crap that has been sitting in the bottom of the basket on to my plate. Pure garbage. This was the biggest joke of a dish I have ever had at this place, let alone the entire food court... including the left side where all the Mexican't shacks are that no one eats at except the muchachos.

String Beans with Pork. After that dismal display of a gwailo favorite... I had to go back to some classic dishes and this was one them. The flash fried string beans are still pretty kick ass but they got real chintzy on the pork bits sprinkled lightly overall... There's more dandruff under the cook's hair net than pork bits in this dish. But... It's still a dish worthy to order again and again.

Sweet & Sour Pork. I asked them if this was the roundeye version or the Hong Kong style version.. They said it's the Chinese version... Ok, you Hello Kitty hooker, I'll bite. I was hoping it wasn't covered in that nuclear HFCS fake red sauce and I almost had my wish, it was like a half and half. The fried pork chops were really tasty in a dirty fry shack kinda way, ultra crispy and crunchy and the pork was not chewy at all. And the sauce... It wasn't that bad, it was a bit thin but it did have that sweet and sour flavor to it without being cloying like the fake HFCS s&s sauce from the Chino hole in the walls. It wasn't bad and I would order it again but some time way in the future.

Spicy Fish & Tofu. This boiling spicy hot shit is my jam... It's just so damn fucking guud. Ok, it's not that fiery hot and spicy but for under $10 from a food court shack, this shit is da bomb. The big chunks of tofu and slices of white fish with that spicy broth like sauce is just awesome. Make sure you get a giant bowl or two of free rice and sop that spicy red shit up with it and make your belly grow like you're having twins... You will sleep like a fucking baby afterwards... But I usually have to cry myself to sleep even after eating this sick ass dish. You lucky motherfuckers redeemed yourself for that shittastic salt & pepper shrimp crap.


China Kitchen.

Soup Dumps. I don't even know why I'm separating this joint and Chong Qing... They are the same fucking place, same owners but the old gwailo broad likes to hangout at this shack more... I think she likes the giant soup dumpling here. Shit, I tried to order one but that hag prolly gobbled them all up... No wonder she has a fucking triple turkey neck... Yo, you better be careful, Thanksgiving is just right around corner. So, I resorted to ordering the regular XLBs... They are usually hit or miss at this spot but tonight they were spot on. Steaming hot and the right amount of soup in there and they didn't even break apart trying to pick them up.

Scallion Pancakes. They jacked up the price to $3, a 50 cent price hike. It's like the damn MetroCard, sneaking in 50 cents here and 50 cents there... But shit, it's still a deal. They are a tasty treat and they are great to soak up the spicy fish & tofu broth thinger.


Hong Kong BBQ.

3 Kinds of Manmeats. Roast Wilbur, Roast Daffy and BBQ Babe. Their manmeats are usually pretty damn good on a daily basis but today's selection was goddamn gorgeous. Look at that color, the golden meat trifecta. Jesus, my loins are burning and itching for some of that manmeat... C'mon, Pouch, take the fucking picture already you fat fuck, so I can inhale this beast.

Beef Chowfun. They always made a very decent BC and tonight they didn't disappoint, again... Damn, these motherfuckers are legit and I can't quit eating this entire plate.

These are really the only 3 places I hit up in this food court because they fucking kill it everyday and night with giving the ex-pats and roundeyes a run for their money. The food is good and the value is even better... I don't need a server to bring me my food, I like getting up and picking up the food myself... Shit, this fat slob could use the exercise anyways.