Arby's Venison Sandwich

I love the bullshit gimmicks from fast food joints that try to lure you in through their doors, they make me wet... I mean like real wet where I have to change into a pair of Depends. I have been sporting those new cameltoe underpants lately and the attention I have been getting is off the hook... Shit, I coulda had some obeast sucka treat me to a meal at Arby's, instead of spending my hard earned cash for laying on my back... But since I have been waiting and waiting for this day to come to fruition, I wanted to be alone with this strapping young buck to devote all my attention to this specimen. The last time I ate at an Arby's, they had the pork belly sandwich which left me kinda impressed with the real pork belly inside. It wasn't gonna change the world but it was totally borderline passable and edible that I would sacrifice myself to their next gimmick for the love of my one reader's loyalty.

Then Arby's teased the world with their vension burger which was available only at selected test locations and Atlanta was not one of them. But now, months later, corporate decided to launch it nationwide... They quietly teased us before and now they are aiming to please everyone across 'Murica with the taste of a freshly killed Bambi between two buns. This gimmick has been gaining some traction in the media leading up to the release and now, to make it even more special and elusive- They are doing it for one day only... "The Venison Sandwich is available on October 21st, quantities are limited." These motherfuckers really know how to cock tease before the release date and then cock block you if you can't make it exactly on that date. You're fucked if you arrive a day late for your buck. But seriously, what makes this sando so special? Well, let's take a look on their website to see what the fuss is all about...

"This limited time sandwich features a thick-cut venison steak marinated in garlic, salt, and pepper and is cooked for three hours to juicy perfection. It’s topped with crispy onions and a juniper berry cabernet steak sauce infused with juniper berries. Served on a toasted star top bun.​​"

Fuck me... They really know how to give you an 8 point boner. That poster board with that juicy manmeat between two buns can make you jizz in your pants instantly with one look... Shit, I open my window and a breeze rolls in and I jizz in my pants but that's another review. But what's this in the fine print... Only two sandos per guest? WTF, yo... I really wanted to buy a bunch of them and freeze them for future sale on the dark web like Rick & Morty's Szechuan Sauce. Damn it, I guess let me try one first before I over extend myself from all the hype.

This meat craft is more like witch craft... Putting a spell on me to buy into this bullshit gimmick. Ok, I'm game... Got suckered in, again! Thanks fat 'Murica, you did it, again! It's a pretty big box... That's what she said, what she said... Why did you say that twice, pouch? ...I didn't. I can only imagine the size of the manmeat stuffed inside that box, I hope it's moist.

Ok, I see two wrinkled buns in a box... Shit, I can get that for free at the assisted living home down the street. Funny, this doesn't look like the picture on the poster board... My 8 pointer just became a 2 pointer. I mean there is nothing sticking out between the buns... Did they forget the venison, onion rings and cabernet steak sauce? Maybe it's time to lift the skirt up and see what's hiding in between those buns because this ain't no man's sando at first glance... Ok, maybe a sando for an emasculated one or a married one. Poor fellas, bless their hearts...

Holy shit... What the fuck is this? Looks like a penis fly trap... I just covered up my junk with my hands instinctively. It's like a self-defense mechanism after staring into the depths of hell of this beast. Those onion rings looked like the remaining bits after a brit milah... Done KFC (Korean fried chicken) style, double fried. This is depressing as fuck... Look at it, it's just sad. Where the fuck is the beef, Wendy? That so-called thick cut venison steak looked like a sewer rat steak. Where's the Nikey venison pump when you need one. I have seen mud flaps thicker than this. That juniper berry cabernet steak sauce looked like a farmer's blow during allergy season. Jesus, I have to eat this? And this fucking thing wasn't cheap... It was over $11 for the meal deal with curly fries and a drink. Goddammit, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and just dive into this muff head first... The shit I do for my one reader. 

Took a couple of bites to inspect this specimen... Looks kinda pornographic doesn't it? Is it weird that I'm kinda getting a blood flow right now... Nevermind. Wait, now, I know why this looked familiar... It totally looks like Christy Mack's lady bits. She was smoking hot before her beat down from the War Machine but this piece of meat looked more beaten up than her face and porn career now.

The more I ate this out, the more it looked like Seka's dried up hatchet wound... Jesus Christ, look at this dark matter, it's evil in it's purest form. Look at how the bun deflated like a whoopee cushion. With all the ingredients listed in this venison burger, you would think there's one hint of flavor that would shine through... Nope, nada, zilch, nothing. It was as bland as the day is long. And it's fucking deer meat, it should be somewhat gamey at least... But these were farm raised so we all know how much flavor develops with anything farm raised GMO's finest. It was chewy but not stringy or sinewy, it was just a mass of tasteless meat substance that coulda been anything that once lived in a test tube. Is it gross that I'm already thinking how this will look coming out the other end? Maybe I should just do the two finga diet and spare the pouch from IBS-D later on... No, I'm a trooper and I will fight til the end for my one fan. I woulda thought the juniper berry cabernet steak sauce would give some hint of flavor since juniper berries are quite distinctive... No to that either. The whole thing was just a fucking total mess. I don't see this selling out anytime soon within a day... Not even within a month's time.

Did I get sucka'd in from their monthly gimmicks? Fuck yeah, I did and knowingly did, too. I am not a SMRT man but I know what has to be done for my readership... Jesus, why am I still doing this blog... This is the stupidest food review blog since Yelp. Look at what I am fucking eating and reviewing... I'm like an Elite douchebag. C'mon, how can anyone find this garbage practical. Christ, now, I'm just self-deprecating myself... Like I'm not depressed enough already. No wonder why I slam so much brown juice down to take away the pain and IBS-D. I'm going home to get really fucked up and cry myself asleep tonight, again... And then I will wake up to a new day and another gimmick to report back to my one true fan. But as for the Arby's venison sandwich... I did it so y'all don't have to. I jumped on the grenade for my one fan... But it didn't go the way I thought, instead, I got crushed by the fat chick and in this case it was a mysterious meat flap.

Flush.