Captain D's Lobster Feast!

Jesus Christ, I got really fucking wasted on a recent Saturday... Don't say it, I know I'm always drunk as a motherfucka. But I started drinking early and then said fuck it, just keep going and do it harder... That's what she said. Started with free beer at some daytime house party and eating free hot wings that were dropped on the ground... It's just sprinkles and under 5 seconds. Pounded a bunch of that free swill and then took off on my motorcycle like Evel Knievel around 4PM... Riding around like my skull was on fire, but somehow found my way home in what seemed like 15 minzies later even though my watch said 7PM... Ok, I may have stopped by somewhere to grab a few drinks. The beer was my gateway drug to harder booze and I was thirsty... Partly from the pretzels I had in my cargo shorts. I started pounding some brown while watching my new favorite show, Big Mouth, and that didn't stop til like midnight. I slammed a whole goddamn handle of Dickel 12 inch, err, year, in my mouth... And that long brown put me down for the count.
Woke up the next day to find my cargo shorts around my cankles filled with a bunch of koozies in each side pocket and my junk in a tube sock. So what? That's not weird, people still wear cargo shorts... But where did all these koozies came from? Jesus, was I in a coma or did I just flatlinered... Who cares, I'm still alive in the Matrix. I turned on the TV to watch some more Big Mouth but a commercial came on about some lobster feast... I''m like where the fuck is this place, it's glorious and I needed some lobster rolls, STAT. Then two fucking ridiculous sea birds wearing a first mate hat at the end of the commercial starts talking about Captain D's and "The Taste of the Coast" or some shit... In my veg state, I didn't give a fuck if two talking birds were telling me to go, all I wanted was that lobster roll... And the lobster bisque... And the lobster bites... I wanted the whole goddamn lobster feast experience, no matter how far inland we are... Now, where the fuck is a Captain D's around here... Googled mapped one not too far from my shanty, aren't these dumps usually in some shithole hood? Damn, I might be a hood rat, no wonder why I saw a rat pulling a slice of pizza into a sewer on my curb.   
Why do I do this shit to myself... I know I am hungover as a filthy hobo but for some reason I was really intrigued about this lobster feast. I have never been to a Captain D's (only to Long Dong Silver's once) and I was kinda excited about who I will meet in there. Lord knows what kinda obeast creastures will be limping around and gorging their fat face in there... You would think they would find it embarrassing to be seen in there but when you're as rotund as the pouch, being grotesquely overweight and embarrassed by this fatbody bag is just part of everyday life...
All I can think about right now is noshing on some succulent North Atlantic seafood because when I seefood, I'm gonna derelick their lobster balls, el Cap-E-tan. So, that commercial made me curious, now, so I did a little research first... Let's take a gander of their lobster feast on their website and preview the banquet to be had...

Look at that FEAST! That is some large wad to put in your facehole. Looks amazing, doesn't it? I wonder how many shipments of fresh lobster came in for this feast.

"Lobster Rolls. Lobster from the cool waters of the North Atlantic served on a buttery roll, New England-style." All I have to say is just wow! Do they really give you two lobsta rollz? I'm fucking psyched for this, yo! That lemon slice says class all the way.

"Lobster Bisque. A bowl of creamy, decadent bisque with delicious bites of lobster, served in two sizes." You had me at creamy and decadent... And in two sizes, hope it's large and in charge. Squirt.

"Lobster Bites. Six pieces of our delectable North Atlantic lobster bites." Lobsta nuggets! Who doesn't love nuggets made with North Atlantic lobster... I just wanna stuff these crusty-acean balls in my cheeks like a chipmunk with his nuts.

They really know how to make your juices flow in your mouth and bowels with those saliva inducing visuals... I'm foaming at the mouth like a rabid Pavlovian Pomeranian. Walked in and it was surprisingly clean. There was this sweet little old lady with a fluffy cumulus cloud of white hair in front of me waiting to order... And I wanted to run my greasy sausage fingaz through that silver blue hair. When the staff member asked her what she wanted... She knew the menu by heart, she rattled off like 6 dinner meals and a couple lobster feast items like a 1861 Gatling gun, ironically the same year as her birthday. That snow leopard was sexy as fuck and if it was that right time of the month, I may have let her ravage my tender plump body... I always had a thing for Sophia Petrillo. I wonder if her sabertooth lady bits look like a Captain D's lobster roll... Stop it, you sicko! Speaking of lobster rolls, I was so excited to order next. Then it was my turn... I'm blushing and I could barely get the words out... I'll have the lobster rolls, lobster bites and lobster bisque... Give me the lobster feast, Captain Snatch! The stout girl at the counter said they were out of the bisque... What the fuck, yo! How am I gonna have my lobster feast trifecta without the bisque? A little piece of my heart just died, but it's ok I have enough sugar glazed fat in my muffin top to fill that hole in my heart. So, I ended up with just the lobster rolls and lobster bites. I rushed it home so I can get into my comfy fatgirl pajama jeans to enjoy my 2/3 of the lobster feast... I opened the bag with the biggest shit eating grin... And then my shit eating grin tasted like 3 buckets of IBS-D when I unraveled the goods... And I was fresh out of Viberzi. Fuck me. This was what was revealed after all that excitement...

What. Da. Fuck. Yo... What is that? This does not look at all like their PR pics... It's like opening a Penthouse rag for the Pet of the Month and finding the Bride of Wildenstein as the centerfold. Look at these specimens, it's just scary. Did a swamp yak take an eclair dump in my bag... And then an alpaca came over and pinched some sphincter sprinkles over it? The fake lobster surimi were all pulled apart and stringy as dental floss... Shit, that might BE dental floss with surimi bits stuck on the floss from them using it in the back. I saw some people's Youtube videos of their lobster rolls and it looked much better with plump fake red lobster meat and green lettuce. These were sad as fuck, it's like a cheap knockoff of a fleshlight... I wouldn't even stick my Jimmy in there for a bottle of Dickel Single Barrel Select. But fuck it, it's like taking a fat girl back home drunk as a brass monkey, you're gonna have to eat it sooner or later... The shit I do for my fan base of one. 
So, I opened up one of the rolls and it's literally not even sliced halfway down and my sphincter muscles start to contract violently upon the gaze of this abysmal matter from the bowels of the abyss. The 1 tablespoon of fraudy lobsta filler was basically spread over on top of the roll, not stuffed inside. Holy smoke and mirrors, Fatman! How cheap can you get with cheap imitation filler? At least fill'er up and pretend to trick me like I'm getting my cushion change's worth. Took a bite... The roll really does taste like a 2 day old eclair and the surimi mix was absolutely tasteless, it wasn't even bland and bland is at least some form of taste. It was like eating a giant sloppy spitball that a bunch of kids played ookie cookie with. I didn't even touched the second one... But I did thought about giving it to my neighbor's dog... That fucker will eat a plastic hotdog toy. 
The lobster bites were just rolling around in that box like one of those old school handheld ball games... The hardest part was trying to get one of these lobster bites into my hole... Coming out the other hole is another story. Took a bite... Jesus, it was like biting into a deep fried superball. I gave up after two balls... I used the others as bait in my back yard traps, I might catch something that may taste better. 

I know what y'all are saying... Why would you even try it, Pouch? Because it was there motherfuckers... Why do goldfish eat processed cheese on a hook at a carnival? Because they're stupid. And their mesmerizing commercials lured me in like a dumb monkfish. I'm not a SMRT man, my brain capacity is comparable to a bag of hammers and the pouch is comparable to a hefty bag. The lobster feast is a joke here, I don't even know why their PR department would push this gimmick onto the franchises without at least putting out halfway presentable and edible items. If this was a ploy to attract new business for their TAM (total addressable market), it may have backfired more than helped. Based on this sampling, I would never go back... It was pretty much garbage. Now, I know why I never see hobos dumpster dive here... All I can think of is that poor sweet little old lady with the amazing blue hair and her poor bowels and toilet... Lucky for her, she did take a shitload of napkins home. I didn't think that far ahead, like usual... Splash.

Flush.