This is the new normal... Fast Casual has really put a dent in the pockets of the decades old national chain restaurants. They just can't figure out what the millennials want... They tried with the kimchi tacos, no takers. They tried with the unlimited happy hour bar snack slop, no takers. They tried with moonshine, gluten-free, small plates (tapas), burritos, burger eggrolls, avocado toasts, poke bowls and no takers. But one type of fast food has been killing it with the trust fund hipster crowd... Good old fucking 'ZA. Pizza has been around since the dawn of time... Cavemen took the perfectly round and freshly laid dinosaur turd and topped it with herbs and veggies and let it sit out in the sun to bake and viola, the first "piece of shit" pie was created. Then the Eyetalians stole that idea (like noodles from the Chinos and called it pasta) and shorten it to "pizza" and wiped their greasy fingers on the crust to personalize it to give it that shiny ginzo glaze... And now, as we all know, it's a household name.
Fast forward a few decades and pizza has gone gourmet and hipster and pizza makers have become a celebrity of sorts... And now, the millennials can pretend to be pizzaiolos and famous on Instagram, too. The "create your own" style of fast casual fare is what the millennials want because they are all crybabies... That's why they love Chipotle and all the other California style burrito joints, they always get what they want if they bitch enough... Just like how they worked their parents to pay for everything well into their late 30's.
But anyways... The whole custom design artisanal 'ZA has been gaining a lot of traction lately with Blaze Pizza and MOD Pizza expanding across the nation... And the sheeple have been digging it. Blaze Pizza opened up off North Decatur Road and there was a line 100+ deep because they were giving away free pizza. MOD Pizza recently opened up in the new and shiny Decatur Crossing next to City BBQ but there was no lines around the block because no free pizza were to be had... Which was fine by me because I rather pay for my sloppy 'ZA in exchange for no lines. As with all fast casual concepts these days- you get on line and order as you go down the line. Pretty much standard issued slaughter house protocol... But what made me laugh was the pizza dough. The have them prepped already on the different size pizza pans on a rack on the wall and then pull them down for each order... But here's why I laughed so hard... The dough looked like a fucking flour tortilla from any burrito chain in town. Then they run a "tenderized" all over the dough so it doesn't rise in the oven, obviously. The act of it was so comedic... It was like aerating your lawn. I wonder if they have them in shoe form in the back when they make a giant lump of dough in the Hobart mixer.
You know, unlimited toppings for the same price is a very dangerous game... You know the fat 'Muricans can't help themselves to get as much value outta their dollar as possible.. And this fat fuck was thinking the same goddamn thing! Jesus, I am such a portly sucka when it comes to anything unlimited. I promised myself I would not go overboard or else I would waterboard myself when rolled home after gorging at the trough of unlimited ingredients. You know what, motherfuckers... I'm just gonna order by number, one of their premade specialties on the wall so I won't be tempted to dump more shit on there.... Let's take a first look...
6" Jasper, mozzarella, mushrooms, spicy italian sausage, red sauce. Ok, the whole- I won't add more shit on this dinky pie just went out the window when the girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted anything else on my 'ZA.... And this is what a fat fuck looks like... Totally veering off the plan. Thank baby Jesus they don't have mirrors in here. I would prolly throw up at the sight of myself. Look at this fucking thing, it's a goddamn mess... It looked like I just jizzed all over it and created a zombie mask for the Little 5 Point Halloween parade this weekend... Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket... Yeah, it's my Halloween costume, see. I tell y'all what... This bullshit 'ZA was not bad at all... It was totally edible and the crust held up to the beating from the dumpster load of toppings. Jesus, do I dare say I kinda enjoyed it? Fuck yeah, bitches... Ok, I had a couple or six cocktails before coming here. Next!
6" Lucy Sunshine, mozzarella, parmesan, artichokes, garlic, dollops of red sauce. I tried not to bastardize this skank too much, just added cheekan bits to it for a little protein. I don't know what happened to the dollops of red sauce but it ain't in there or under all that stuff. But I kinda liked this one too... What the fuck, dude? C'mon, stop joshing around, pouch and just give us the skinny... That's kinda ironic. But yeah, the artichokes were plenty and cheese melted nicely... Ok, the chicken chunks were kinda dry but that's a given when that shit has been sitting in a metal bucket for hours. The crust ain't bad, it was cooked through nicely and had some char spots... It ain't no Napolentana style 'ZA with 00 Caputo flour, buffala mozz and San Marzano 'maters, but for what it was and the price of this thing, it was kinda worth it.
11" MOD custom, crap on a dough... The Frankenstein of 'ZA. Just walk up to the counter and say "yes, pweez"... And they will just load up or take a giant load of crap on that tortilla dough with every ingredient they have up in this piece. This was the standard size pie and I had to try it of course. The two little mini pies were decent enough so I had to see what they could do with their flagship 11" pie... Fuck the double crust bullshit, unless you like thick doughy shit. Look at that beast, the only thing left off it was a 10 piece box of Popeyes spicy fwied cheekan.... Mmm, cheekan... Snap outta it you fatso. As with the mini 6" pies, this turned out not too bad either... But of course with that much shit and weight on it, the center is gonna be a bit doughy and flimsy. The plump floozy at the next table looked to had what was her science project from the 8th grade... A fucking giant volcano of toppings on that thin crust. Jesus, watching it eat that mess was like watching an elephant walk a tight rope made of dental floss... Half of those ingredients went into her facehole and the other half fell inside her moo-moo and settled in between her fat rolls. She's saving that for later, bro.
Listen, my one reader... Don't be a fat piece of shit like me. Drop the fucking chalupa... And don't pile on the toppings just because you can... Ok, order two pies, one that is normal and the other like a dump truck just backed up on it. I won't blame you for that... Because that's what I fucking did.
The pizza here ain't gonna win any awards but it may win over a bunch of fucking picky ass millennials and definitely a bunch of families with screaming demonspawns because it's cheap, filling and decently tasty. But seriously, don't over build your pies... Less MOD the better. They're cheap enough to get a few different versions to try. Shit, I can't believe I'm saying this... But I would come back if I needed a cheap filler pizza fix. Goddamnit, pouch, you are losing your touch... The fat must have traveled up to your tiny brain.
2502 Blackmon Dr Suite 810
Decatur, GA 30033
https://modpizza.com/locations/decatur/
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