Another year, another McRib

Just like clockwork and bowel movements... The McRib mysteriously appears from obscurity back into the limelight during Thanksgiving time. The hunt for the Ma-Crib during the rest of the year is near impossible except for some franchisees that hoard the limited supply of frozen molded rib meat in some hidden vault in a cellar next to their harem of homeless runaways.
Once a year, the pouch is on the quest for the elusive 100% pork meat trimmings that is restructured and shaped into a small rack of ribs with BBQ sauce, onions and pickles between a 5 1/2" roll. It is one of the most beloved and vile specimen ever devised by fast food kind... And the pouch will eat the fuck outta it on an annual basis. Now, where the fuck can I find one of these creastures... You can never find these things in the city, it's always available at some mossback rural hick town... Maybe that's because you can eat the Ma-Crib with no teeth since there's no bones in it. I had to go all the way down to goddamn fucking Macon to gum the fuck outta this beast... I know what y'all are saying, why the fuck would you drive to bumblefuck nowhere USA, are you fucking schizo, pouch? Yes, I have been out of touch with reality since 1972... But y'all know that I would do anything for my one fan's loyalty. Ok, I was heading down to south Georgia anyways for turkey day. So, you motherfuckers are in for a treat... If I can get out alive.

The tradition lives on! OMG... Look at it, it even has it's own packaging this year... And not tossed into a sausage gravy and biscuit styrofoam box like last year. This shit is glorious and seems legit now... I'm in awe right now with no bodily control whatsoever... I think I just soiled my underpants a la Jackson Pollock's Number 2... And I haven't even taken a bite yet. Open this shit up already, pouch! We want a look at the goods!

I swore I heard a southern Baptist church choir singing in the back ground when this specimen was revealed in all it's glory... And it looked like a total mess. There was HFCS brown jizz all over the place like a bukkake scene on a Japanese school girl's face. What dope in the back put this together? It looked like he played hacky sack with this. Is that onions or packing peanuts? Lifted up the bun to inspect the innards and it looked like someone attempted to make a fucked up blooming onion on my Ma-Crib with a few slices of pickles tossed in there haphazardly. The pork meat patty still retained it's iconic shape of fake rib bones and meat... Still excessively bathe in the mysterious and cloyingly sweet sticky brown sauce. Fuck it, I'm going in... Someone call my parents and tell them I love them and that I went down doing what I loved for my one reader. Took the first bite... Jesus, it was so soft and mushy. I mean like everything had the same texture with every bite. If you closed your eyes, you could be eating a dirty dish water sponge or a seasoned foam mat under an urinal. That's prolly the best way to eat this thing... With your eyes closed and mouth wide open. Let's face it, no one enjoys eating this forensic exhibit on any level. I have seen homeless people turn down a bag full of them, they rather starve and freeze to death under a bridge than have this sewer sausage sit in their stomach for days. But yet, as I continue to bite, chew and swallow, I find myself enjoying it a little more and more... I know, it's fucking baffling. I wouldn't say it's delicious but it grows on you with every bite like mold in a moist crawlspace. I was eating this thing as fast as I could so I can get the fuck outta there ASAP... So, the only way to do it was to trick the pouch into thinking this was like Popeyes or a Double Down. But this creasture slowed my ass down with the few remaining bites... This thing drops in your gut like a ton of bricks, just sitting there waiting to be slowly digested over a 1000 years like the Sarlacc. I don't think I can even 2 finga diet this fucker up...Those fake rib bones act like barbs on a hook and it only goes one way... Down and out. I managed to complete this annual challenge once again but my age and rotund figure may finally be catching up with the iron pouch. Fuck that noise, I'm just fucking with my one fan... I will continue to consume mass quantities until I can consume no more. And I will always report all the feed that's fit to print on this ridiculous obscure blog... Which is anything and everything that's considered a food group or not, the pouch never discriminates.

Another year and McRib down... I don't know how many more years the pouch have left on this measly rock but we all know that the McRib will never age, mold or go bad for centuries. So, if I do live longer than another 5 years, I always got the Ma-Crib to look forward to in this measly life. Jesus, why didn't you show me the right path to take in life instead of directing me to fucking McDonalds year after year... Thanks for nothing, mofo. I know what I'll be doing after another session on the throne... Crying myself to sleep in my own filth.

I'll see ya next year, Ma-Crib.

Flush.