Pouch Eats Again

Y'all motherfuckers thought I was gone, huh? Y'all thought this fat fuck has finally disappeared into the obscurity of crackerland Florida for good or perhaps imploded like a small plump planet in a blackhole. Well, I'm prolly talking to myself again but I didn't disappear... I was just boozing heavily solo in my studio apt (that's the polite way of saying I live in a cardboard box) to distance myself from the reality that I'm just a fat slob of little weight in life... If that's not an oxymoron, I don't know what is. I still remember what the dean of my college said to me one day... "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Obviously, I didn't take his advice... So, I fucked his fat wife like a boss with some assistance from flour, you know, to locate the wet spots. But enough of my trivial college memories... Let's just eat.

Le Fat.

In honor of the creator of the infamous General Tso's cheekan dish... Guy Wong's mom has pulled this old school recipe out of the family's dusty recipe box and brought it back out only for one night... That's not the only thing she has pulled out, oh snap. The mom jokes never goes out of style... Kinda like this dish. This ultra Americanized staple even brought out Usher, he likes to eat by himself, too. We really should be BFFs. Behold- The most beloved slutty Chino dish of all time... I give you... The General Slut's cheekan! Minus the broccoli. But I actually prefer the green peppers, carrots and onions with a few red chili peppers tossed in there... I lurv having my nuggets tossed, especially, from behind. Speaking of which, the thigh meat- breaded and deep fried nuggets were crispy, crunchy and oh so sweet in the semi spicy brown sauce. Jesus, this brings me back to my childhood or just last weekend after inhaling gallons of brown juice... What better way to nurse a hangover and a deprived childhood than with fwied cheekan nuggets in brown sauce. It will all come out looking the same way it did going in anyways. This dish was so sluttily good that I gobbled up the whole thing in 3 minzies, along with a few cocktails of brown juice... Hence, the vicious cycle repeats itself.


Ticonderoga Club.

Chuck Wagon. It ain't the Ol' 96er but this Ol' 48er will do. It ain't cheap at $72 but sometimes you just gotta splurge on an incredibly well executed piece of manmeat that will make you and 3 friends squirt... Yes, this hunky manmeat can easily feed 4 but for da pouch it prefers to sharing it with an imaginary friend. One for you, two for me...

Salad of Italian parsley and shaved red onions with wort and horseradish... Pairs well to balance off the fat rich buttery garlicky manmeat slices.


Ah Ma.

3 Cup Cheekan Wangz. There's nothing 3 cup about them but they were pretty tasty drenched with the sweet brown sauce.

S&P Cheekan Nuggets. These got worse over time... Thick chunky dry nuggets with barely any seasoning to them. Skip them... Snooze.

Pig Ears. These meat fries are just plain good... Crispy, chewy and meaty. I wished the Midtown Art center would serve these... They would be so good with a beer watching Saw XI. They are like popcorn to me.

Cold Sliced Beef Shank. I liked this, I woulda loved it if the chili sauce was more spicy. It's a gorgeous sight. Tender, flavorful and just has a great bite, chew and color to it.

Pork Belly Bao. I'm so over the steam bun fad, but I'm also a sucka for it every time... It's a decent pork belly bun, nothing really that special but it's a good pouch filler.

Beef Tendon Noodle Soup. Nice big chunks of tender tendons, beef and the wheat noodles were nice and toothy. The clear broth is on the lighter side but it worked well with the chunky ingredients.


Miracle on Ponce.

Patatas Navidad, Spanish omelet layered with potato and egg. Nothing really special but the chorizo on the side were pretty good... They tasted like Chinese wax sausages.

Holiday Greens, brussels and chorizo. Not a bad little dish... Brussels always pairs well with bacon or fatty types of meat like the chorizo here.

Yippie Ki Yay Mother Fucker! and Snowball Old Fashioned. The Santa trouser cock was tasty but the snowball sucked up all the brown juice and you had to wait for it to melt to drink it, by then it was all watered down. Ask them to put ice in it instead.

Jingle Ball Nog. I don't really make or drink this shit, but it's an acceptable egg nog I guess.

Elky Style... Pump pump squirt!


Best BBQ.

The satellite location of Best BBQ in the shuttered Asian Supermarket is still open for biz while new management is conjuring up a sequel of the Asian Supermarket. The grub here is pricey for a food stall and the quality is hit or miss, pretty inconsistent but on this visit they were spot on with the plump ass wonton noodle soup and the pork and 1000 year old egg congee... The most premier of dynamic duos for a hangover or long night of partying with hookers.


I-CE-NY.

Thai style rolled ice cream has seen some success in this one horse town... Ok, there's only two places that does it. It's such a fucking gimmick but chicks who are obsessed with Hello Kitty and small children love this shit... And don't forget every single fob, too.

Overpriced and really not that interesting. It's like something you would find at a theme park... And you will pay out your ass for this just to shut your screaming entitled fucking kid up. It's prolly worth it, though.


I don't usually put shit up that I make at home but this was worth it... Lobster risotto. Look at the pics, be mesmerized... Go ahead and drink it all in... It was fucking rad.

I may have made a Freudian slip here... And revealed a subconscious thought about eating lobster claw cocks... But the 3 sausage 'balls' was a homage to the 3 titty mutant in Total Recall... Or maybe I just like posing the lobster claw like it's giving me the finger. Fuck you, lobster!

I'm so fat, I made it 4 times... If you eat one bowl at a time, in the dark, it makes you think like you're just eating one bowl on repeat.


Alright, motherfuckers... Go home and yank your cranks to the Victoria Secret's show. I got more feeding to do so my one reader can live vicariously and portly through me... I drink and I know things.