Hawkers Asian Street Fare

I have never been to Jacksonville, Florida... But it looks like a decent size city with a decent list of restos. Too bad I was only driving through and only had a couple hours to kill here during lunch hours. Met up with a friend here and suggested we get some Asian street grub... I'm like fuck yeah, bro. But he never mentioned the place until we got into town. Hawkers was the name and I'm thinking to myself- where the fuck am I, I'm in a southern town that has no ethnic cuisine or population here. Then I remembered my bro in Orlando saying that his little kids love this place called Hawkers down there. Fuck me, it's a goddamn fake Chino chain for whities... Jesus, what have I done to deserve this... What is this place all about? It's kinda a demeaning mashing up of every single Asian cuisine into one location... When will this type of fusion brutality end?  This cultural appropriation is unacceptable... But I'm gonna eat the fuck outta it anyways because this place looks so promising for amazing beat off material in my next review... You know everything is gonna be so sauced up because they have an unlimited supply of hoisin and oyster sauce in bulk cans lining up the shelves in front of the open kitchen as if they were decor. No one in the place had a clue what those cans were except that they were cute looking and so Asian inspired... Even the lights had woks as lamp shades. Fucking shoot me now, here's my .45 cal. and end my suffering.

The place was packed for lunch on a Sunday, not one Asian in sight except this one mud baby that looked kinda like an eskimo hipster... I couldn't tell with all the hair in his face. It was full on mall pedestrians up in this piece in supposedly the hip area of town called Five Points. I figured out why this joint was so packed, because nothing was opened on Sunday around here, it's like their big day off or something, only a handful of other places were opened. 

Ah, fuck it, how bad can it be? Famous last words...

Chicken Egg Rolls. HAHAHA... C'mon, bro, stop fucking with me and bring out the real plate. What? This is not a joke? Jesus, look at that, it's like something you would find on the wall menu with a number next to it. Ok, it wasn't god awful... It's like something you get on the children's menu.

Coconut Curry Shrimp. This is a not a food trend, the whole Freezer to Table movement has been in play for decades... And this is a perfect example of it. Once again, it wasn't terrible just really low rent on the culinary skill level here. The curry dipping sauce was disgusting, though... All from a can filled with HFCS.

Curry Meatballs.Oh, look, the same curry sauce from the coconut shrimp, but now, I have no choice in the matter of dipping my balls into it... My balls are already bathe in the diarrhea juice. The kitchen knows best, thanks. The meatballs were kinda dry, grainy and chewy. Mmm... Tasty. Where's a spittoon when you need one.

Bulgogi Beef Skewers. The plating here is just top notch, first class all the way... Skewers placed far away as possible from the kimchi. Now, I know why... Because they are in a turf war. They both clash in appearance and taste. But if you eat them separately at different times, it's actually ok. The kimchi was kinda a joke, nothing kimchi about it except in appearance.

Crispy Roast Pork "Siu Yoke". This shit made me laugh... The Engrish spelling of "Siu Yoke" in Chinese for the "grilled meat". There is nothing siu yoke about these pork belly cubes.... They just deep fried the shit outta them. Don't get me wrong, they tasted good as anything deep fried should but calling them "siu yoke" is an embarrassment to the real thing. I ate it all still.

Roast Duck. Wha da fuk is this? Where is the duck? Looked more like what a duck dropped off flying above than what the kitchen put out. I mean this plate looked like pure duck shit. Remember all those cans of hoisin and oyster sauce? Oh yeah, this is where it went. The shredded pieces of duck were drenched in the brown sauces, totally blanketed the taste and look of the duck. If it wasn't for the green scallions, this plate would look like something that came out of a shark's stomach.

Wok Fired Green Beans. For what it was, this wasn't half bad except for the liquidity sauce coating the entire thing. It just destroyed the crunch of the green beans when you bite into them and that's the best part of wok fried green beans. Overall, it's a decent effort from the kitchen... Even though they have no clue what they're cooking.

Chicken Lo Mein. Hahaha... C'mon, bro, not again. They really fucking love those two sauces. Just drown everything in it and call it a familiar dish and none be the wiser down here. There was nothing Lo and Mein about this... Wrong noodles, wrong sauce, wrong ingredients, just plain wrong.

Beef Haw Fun. Their spelling of the name of the dishes are material enough for a write up... But their version of the beef chowfun was very surprising. It was actually their best dish that resembled the name of the dish. It ain't a spot-on beef chowfun but it tasted pretty good... Even with a heavy handed amount of the "sauces". The rice noodles were acceptable and the ingredients for this dish was pretty close... The slices of beef were a bit overcooked and chewy but shit, it was kinda close enough. The best dish so far in this cartoon world of Asian grub.

South Asian Shrimp Curry. Goddamn it, that fucking curry sauce again. South Asian? Come again? It's more like West Asian shrimp curry... That part of Asia where the cuisine hails from the Gwai Lo distict of western Asia where Panda Express was founded. This dish was so dumb down that it could Indian food.

We also had a few plates of the Roti Canai... While the flatbread was good, the curry sauce was once again that nasty shit found in all the curry dishes... If they put a piece of potato and chicken thigh in it, I woulda been ok with it.

Mango Sticky Rice. This was quite surprising... Surprisingly decent. They used a mix of wild and black/purple Thai fragrant rice which was actually good and the mango sorbet was standard issue. For what it was, it was quite acceptable. Unbelievable, I know...

I have mixed feelings about this joint... While it serves a purpose in towns where there is zero ethnic cuisine or culture, it also dumbs down the actual cuisines they are trying to represent here to the people. Appropriation at it's finest. It gives these Florida crackers a false sense of what they're eating... Because they will think this is what the food is actually like. I know I'm a total asshole about the food here but I'm gonna give them a pass here at the same time... The crackers in the place were all consciously aware of what they were eating and seemed to enjoy it. And that is enough for me that they were having a good time... Even though, I laughed out loud many times as each dish came out. Y'all know that I have to put in my 2 cents and always have to have the last word. Suckaz! It is my stupid blog after all which only two people read... And that includes myself. Fucking sad state of affairs right there. Until next time, suckaz! ...I got a diet date with a toilet that involves two fingers.

Flush.


1001 Park St
Jacksonville, FL 32204
http://eathawkers.com/