This joint was so fucking packed, it was a goddamn gold mine...Literally. Every suburban yenta in here was wearing so much bling hanging down to their knees that it made their saggy tit bags look perky. They're walking around all hunched over from the weight of the precious metal like knuckle dragging cave people... But don't worry, all the giant gaudy rings on their sausage fingers act like pig knuckle armor. This place is special, real special ed... It's far as fuck to get to in upstate Georgia but it's worth the price of admission just for the people watching. There's no lack of people with the impression of having big money in here... Telling each other how marvelous they look, even if they looked like they actually walked the 40 miles of bad road to get here. After all, it's better to look good than to feel good in this upstate version of Fernando's (Johnny's) Hideaway. Too bad some of the women look more like MFs (Mama Fratelli) instead of MILFs. The one hot chick behind me in the booth was prolly a hooker because there's no way she was with that obeast Clint Howard look alike... Plus, she was devouring that giant Tomahawk chop like it was her last meal before she is found dead in the trunk of a Reliant K.
The people watching extravaganza didn't end there, it had only just begun... So, I was at the bar getting my drink on with some Yamazaki 12 (they do have a very decent whiskey/brown juice list) when this beast with it's back next to me got up because she was in a heated discussion or something with her friend and I almost had a heart attack when it turned around... I was face to face with The Bride of Wildenstein... It was almost an all out catwomen fight (all pun intended), until her "husband" took her outside. I was almost mauled by a big cat in heat, how exciting!
I hope the food is half as marvelous as the baby mama drama in here... Ok, I have been here before and it was good but I end up drunk every time and my short term memory ain't getting any better... And I'm hoping to do it all over again on this revisit. Let's fucking gorge like a deadly sin already, so much talking... I'm ready to be a glutton for punishment.
American Kobe Beef Tartare. The world has always bet against "Kobe" beef tartare but the pouch never listens to the odds. Oh, it's some old school presentation like from the late 80's but the yolk in the egg shell is a bit too "over the top" bordering cheesy... It's almost as bad as Sly's arm wrestling flick. I have never been a fan of the mixing in the yolk because some fool made that shit up but this freak show was just too good not to... It's no "Kobe" but the gringo style burger mincemeat was not too shabby. The meat was quality and tasty but it needed a bit more seasoning... Perhaps the damn yolk dumbed it down a bit. The gaufrettes were a bit thin and they all stuck together in the fryer... Amateurs.
Roasted Bone Marrow. Look at that obscene spectacle... It's like two bros playing tummy sticks. And I'm gonna swallow their manly and juicy jizzlobbery. The marrow was a tad bit undercooked, so it had a slight gummy texture to it... Don't worry, it didn't stop me from licking it all up. Good size portion but they needed to toast/grill the bread a bit.
Lobster Mac. The server was very adamant about stating this was "off the menu" like it was some prototype dish that no one has every attempted before. It was a very sizeable portion of mac and pretty damn decent in taste but a few more bits of lobster ain't gonna fucking kill ya... Don't be so chintzy. We're paying up the ass for it after all.
Truffled Fries. Hey, it's truffle fwies... Pretty much standard issue filler... But good, though.
Mushroom Risotto. Another hefty portion, they don't skimp on the starchy sides. Very creamy, very mushy and very fatty... Fuck yeah, bro. But I need to say to myself- Just don't over do it on this, there is more to come, you fat fuck.
Creamed Corn. Jesus, if the American Heart Association made a surprise inspection, they would have a heart attack just by smelling the food in here. Not that they do resto inspections but if they did, there's a DIY CPR poster in the back... Next to the blocks of butter. The creamed corn was ultra creamy and y'all know that can't be fucking healthy. But fuck it, it's so tasty. YOLO, mofos!
Bone-In Ribeye, Tomahawk. 30 ounces of 60 day dry-aged hulking manmeat... Shit, that's along time to wait to stroke this beautiful long meaty flesh arrow but they say patience is a virtue... I don't know what the fuck that means but I have no moral standards when it comes to a piece of girthy manmeat so close to my facegash. You just want to ravage it at first sight... It's like a sexual dynamo. Most guys couldn't even handle it. I've been reading books on the outside just so I can keep up with this hunky beefcake! So, it was a tad bit uncooked- mid-rare minus (actually blue in the center)... So, did they fuck up? Fuck no, it was not a deal breaker at all. No apologies needed here. I rather it be undercooked then overcooked, especially, with this quality aged piece of meat from Linz. It was seasoned perfectly and the flavor and aroma from the sprigs of thyme, garlic cloves and of course, lots and lots of butter in the saute pan... You complete meat. It's an impressive display and it's even more impressive if you can finish it all. It's no ol' 96'er, but totally doable if you have the will and pouch space. Dunzo.
Progression of NY Strip, medium rare sous vide style, 4oz each wet-aged angus, prime, dry-aged angus. I needed to slow my roll after that Tomahawk... Make that fat roll, instead. Jesus, why am I so fat?! Don't answer that. I don't know if this plate was worth $57, but unless you're a hardcore meat connoisseur, you won't be able to tell the real difference between each piece. It's such a chick dish, just like the filet because they're cute and delicate... Real men eat ribeye, not anus... Wait, make that angus.
Bone Marrow Butter. There was an article that just came out in the NY Post that said butter is healthy for you... So, if a reputable rag like the NY Post says it's good for you then fuck it, send me 4 more orders, pweez. Squirt.
Brussels Sprouts and another round of table shit to get fatter. Jesus, it's like the Neverending Story... I'm gonna leave here looking like Falkor, that fatass fuckdragon.
Oh Lord... When will this feeding frenzy end... I should start doing Feeding or Gaining porn, some sicko would pay big bucks for my overeating fetish. Oink.
Pappy Van Winkle. As my friend calls it, Periwinkle... Yes, some fresh squeezed periwinkle to finish off a feast of meats. Excellent as expected and that's not because of the hype. Squirt.
Is it normal to get the meatsweats so soon after shoveling my fat face with so much redmeat and butter... There's no way it's down in my bowels just yet, basically the point of no return for the 2 finga diet.. Because I could lose some instant weight pronto. But a friend said that you can do it from the other end. I tried it but all I did was fart a little. He said you need to do it a few times like charging a water well pump... But he also said not to pump too much because it will put you to sleep. I pumped my tailpipe a few times but nothing happened. Did I just get punked? Pump pump... Fizzz.
But as for this upstate semi-upscale steak joint, it's successful because they do it right and charge a shitload of money for it (you can get out of hand real quick)... It gives people the illusion that it's the place for them to see and be seen. Let's face it, it's the Buckhead kids all grown up with more money and still playing the part with all the drama and superficial conversations... It's basically Tavern at Phipps, Johnny's Hideaway and Chops all in one joint but just in upstate Georgia. I would totally go back for the drama, food and whiskey. It's worth it every once in awhile to see how the country folk socialize and go into debt.
955 Canton St.
Roswell, GA 30075
http://littlealleysteak.fhfoodtradinggroup.com/
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