Pouch Eats Townie Shit

Y'all know da Pouch will do anything for his fan base... Keyword "fan", one fan is better than none. This shows you how dedicated I am to my never ending quest to give my fan the very best of edible eats in this one horse town. I would eat shit that will make a billy goat puke... For the children, but if I can save just one person from a massive case of IBS and explosive diarrhea then it has been worth it. I have done my job. Ok, enough of this mother Teresa crap, let's go eat some shit from around town and I hope they have a good supply of TP.

O'Charley's.
Yes, I know what you're going to fucking say, so I'm gonna beat y'all to the punch. I did gone dunn it. I have never been to one of these dumps, don't even know where the fuck one was but I saw a commercial that they had Nashville Hot Chicken... How the fuck am I gonna say no to that shit? This will also give me an excuse to come here and bust my cherry on this dump in the name of research and science... Tis was for the greater good of all pouchkind and for the children. Goddamn, now it's really sinking in... What the fuck am I doing here... This place was ghetto as shit. Maybe the hot cheekan will be authentic, yet... Ok, don't bust my fucking balls, not yet, bro.

Nashville Hot Chicken. I gotta admit this didn't look half bad. The cheekan had a decent dark shimmery glaze over the large boneless tender. The shiny bun was buttered and lightly toasted topped with a bed of coleslaw, crispy tender, hot cayenne sauce/grease and pickles. I cut it in half and examine it, this shit didn't look half bad. Was this a dream? Am I living the commercial in my head? Took a bite... What the fuck, dude? It was pretty good, given that this came out of that chain kitchen. It wasn't that spicy but for a hot cheekan in a sando form, it was actually acceptable. It was crispy, crunchy and even though it was white meat the flesh was tender and moist. The cayenne hot sauce does given you a tingle and it will prolly do for 95% of the population as spicy cheekan. The fries were your run of the mill brown bag special, just belly filler. Would I get it again? Prolly not because it's boneless and in sando form but I give them a little credit for executing a hot chicken that came out better than I had imagined.

Crab Cake and Sirloin. This is more like it...Your standard issued chain resto surf and turf. The crab cake was too fishy and gummy but it was larger than I thought. The steak was actually cooked to temp, mid rare, which surprised the shit outta me. The pink/reddish color was spot on but it was bland and tasteless like most steaks at chain restos... That's why they usually blanket it in sauce or some other chunky dressing. The green beans had a snap like they were actually freshly made, what the fuck, where am I? The broccoli was just steamed and unseasoned. For the price you pay, it's pretty much what you would expect.

Fried Green Tomatoes. They were continuing their southern special promos... But what the fuck is this slop? It looked like some adult star sprayed her monthly special sauce all these fried disks. They were supposed to be green tomatoes but with all that HFCS BBQ sauce all over them it just covered whatever flavor the green tomato had. The plating was so revolting that even if this was Popeyes, I woulda prolly passed on it. Nice try but how do you fuck up FGT that badly, just leave the shit alone and put the sauce and garnish on the side, bro. 

Chicken Tenders. I couldn't fucking resist getting their hand battered tenders since I was still thinking about Popeyes. They were pretty good, crispy crunchy and steamy inside. That honey mustard sauce was garbage but they were good enough that they could be eaten alone or with just hot sauce.

They had these warm rolls with whipped buttered come out in the beginning, I refused to eat them because they looked so fake but I had a bite and if it wasn't for the whipped salted butter they woulda tasted like sawdust. This will be the first and last time that 


Taco Mac.
When you get lazy enough and you're craving wings, you will settle for almost anything because it's close... This Taco Mac location is like the red headed stepchild of this chain. You know they wanted it to be a cool place to hangout and watch sports in the beginning but it has morphed into a mystery of who their demographics are over time. It's a crowd of misfits that only Bernie Sanders could love because those are the only votes he can get. Speaking of old wrinkled white things... Time to eat some spicy hot wings and feel the Bern...

Wings, nekid with Three Mile Island and Slow Burn. I always get my wings naked because most sauces suck and they ruin the wings if you have them dressed. The skin was crispy but their wings seem like they are always dry on the inside. They're prolly pre-fried, held in a hot box and flash fried to order. They're not great wings, far from it... Even if you drown them in hot sauce, it doesn't mask the sub-quality wings here. If you're desperate these will do but go else where for some proper wangz. Oh, the 3 Mile and Slow Burn sauces were WEAK.

Shrimp, guacamole, mango wrap thinger... I didn't even know they could even come up with something this special. Too bad it was a gooey mess and lacked any tropical flavor with all that shit in there. This specimen kept reminding about that unicorn taking rainbow dumps in cone, same concept here but it was Ricky Martin taking a dump in a rolled up tortilla.


Tucker Meat Market.

This place is a total dump like some trucker stop in the middle of nowhere but I kinda like this little local butcher/market/deli... The got a lot of meat and a small grill menu that is mostly burgers and fries. I tried their spicy seasoned burger but it wasn't spicy at all. The burger was decent even though a zit nosed high school kid made it... So, he had no fucking clue how to cook a burger to temp, it was just medium+. I also checked under the hood to make sure there was no wad of loogie dressing laying silently in wait to test my gag reflexes. It's an ok burger, nothing that special. I wouldn't come back for their burger but their butchered meat selection is pretty decent... How many butcher shops do you see in this town anymore? They need all the local support they can get.


Blue Ribbon Grill.
I have been here a couple of times before and it's townie as fuck... But somehow this place keeps drawing me back. I don't know what it is but it could be the giant martini specials that is available everyday for $7.49.

Fried Green Beans. Nothing really that special but I am always drawn to order these things. Could be a fetish for small long crunchy things.

Mushroom Swiss Burger. Their burgers are pretty decent and they do cook it to temp. It's nice to a spot on mid rare at a joint like this. It's a big burger and tastes pretty good. Not overly greasy and seasoned pretty well. The fries are decent, too.

Veggie Burger. For a meatless patty, it does look kinda meaty. No veggie burger is ever good but this was kinda acceptable hidden under all that ruffage and after 3 giant martinis.

Old Fashion in a giant margatini glass... What the fudgepacker? Who cares.. Did you see the size of this thing? It all goes down to the same place and it will get you fucked up fast. If I wanted a proper cocktail, this would be 13th on my list.


Leon's Full Service.

Foie gras terrine, orange marmalade-creme fraiche mousse. It was like buttah... How can this offal pie be so good and smooth as a Catholic school girl. I could eat like 4 of them with a couple of orders of this ultra fatty foie gras, then pass out from a lack of oxygen from the clogged arteries and plaid skirts on my face.

Beef Cheek Poutine. This fad dish has been played out but it doesn't mean that it wasn't good. Break that yolk and mix that shit up and shovel it into your facehole... You will have a shit eatin' grin from ear to ear and your muffin top will be peeking out under your shirt to say hello.

Charcuterie Board. I don't know what it is but white people love these giant boards of thinly sliced cured meats. The board is lightly scattered with assorted meats and spreads and other stuff to make the plank of wood look impressive. Quantity is not their main focus here, quality is... And it does it justice even if it looks like sloppy plating.


The pouch has been eating so much that finding the time to write all this shit up for my one reader was a difficult task... But no worries, my sausage fingaz are doing the talking in overdrive. You can smell my fingers if you want to... It's smells like a greasy Dell keyboard. Until next time motherfuckers... I need a fat nap.