Callie's Hot Little Biscuit

Everybody and their mothers with a food concept (gimmick) are opening up sister locations all up in Atlanta... Especially, woodchucks from Charleston... They either fucking love Atlanta or they love the gullible suckers in this town... And no one likes the Detroit of the south that much. We're getting too much of their pedestrian shit that this town already has one too many of... Tacos, sushi, steak house... And now biscuits. Yeah, because you can't find any biscuits joints in this town. But now, Charleston has blessed us with a dedicated biscuit shop right in the heart of Va-Hi... In the most whitest pedestrian area of the entire city.
It's a cute space, the kitchen/prep area is 2/3 of the entire place. You basically get in line, order, pay and get the fuck outta the way, very similar to the rules of the Soup Nazi. If the biscuits here are as mouthgasmic as the Nazi's Mulligatawny... This could be a great addition to this one horse town. The menu is all about biscuits, there's several different varieties and there's biscuit sandos and they also have a grit bowl. I'm a simple pouch, all I wanted was a simple biscuit with sausage gravy... But they ran out, they said they had a bacon gravy. Fuck that shit, bacon should never be in a gravy, that's sacrilegious. So, I'm there looking for a back up item and nothing, absolutely nothing was calling out to me... So, I had to settle for this specimen...  

Bacon, egg, cheese biscuit. I was in pain and feared for my wallet when I saw the daily specials written in chalk on the wall by the college kids working in here... This was suppose to be a safe zone from being fucked in the ass from a goddamn overpriced cold biscuit. Almost $8 for this tiny unseasoned creasture... Are you fucking pulling my pud? I wish that super hot little chippie in the front window would... She was like a tiny little Victoria's Secret sexy angel with white stuff all over her face, talk about instant pants tent... And I wasn't even sitting down. This place's scam is to peddle easily crumbled biscuits in pretty packages that the sheeple will gobbled up by the dozens... And they were. I literally watch a pair of crackers on the bench outside having an orgasm without even touching one another while shoveling that grainy biscuit shit into their face gash like it was best thing they ever ate, it was like Sandra Bullock and Sly having touchless sex in Demolition Man. I had to cover up a kid's eyeballs with my pannus because the dude was in the tightest pair of bicycle shorts that you could tell what religion he was... The chick was homely looking so I didn't pay attention to it. They were acting so inappropriately with scores of children and naked animals nearby.
It took me less than 5 minzies to fucking hate this place because it was all fluff and full of so much bullshit. People fucking love to shovel bullshit down their gullet. This biscuit sando was awful and cold, the bacon was hard and dried out like gas station jerky, the scrambled egg was unseasoned (made by some zit faced kid with a sense of entitlement that he needs not move quickly for anyone or orders). I literally watched this little fucking pansy crack an egg like 13 inches above the pan, shit splattered all over the place, so he took his sweet time doing it over again. The shredded cheddar pubes were sprinkled on the bottom half of the biscuit and that shit wasn't even melted. This was no biscuit sandwich, it was a box of deconstructed mise en place that you had to eat with a knife and fork. The biscuits are tiny and they fall apart like an epileptic playing Jenga. They don't even look like biscuits, some of them look like dinner rolls that has been in the pool too long, all pruny, wrinkly and saggy like a 80 year old hag in a swimdress, basically a moo-moo that can get wet. I'm so over these gimmicky gags but the clueless retards are going apeshit over it. They are pricey and the food cost here is like 1/2 a percent... All money in the bank funded by unsavvy eaters. This place is such a ripoff and the product is barely average. Anyone who thinks these are good could be easily convinced that their iPhones can actually make phone calls and also pop popcorn.
I would go back and just stare at the hot chick making biscuits through the window holding a boombox over my head and not say anything but that would be creepy because I'm fat and old... And she prolly have no fucking clue what the hell I was doing anyways unless I did some kickboxing moves to try to impress her... It's the sport of the future, sweet tits.

1004 Virginia Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
http://calliesbiscuits.com/

The Mercury

I came here for drinks one time and ended up spending $100 on bread... Haven't been back since. This joint may be one of only two real restos inside the PCM. They're on the second floor which makes them more of a real resto feel than Brezza downstairs with their open air space. I have a neutral stance with Pinewood, while their cocktails are pretty good, their menu has never impressed me. It always seemed forced, like they were peddling mediocre dishes as if they were more elevated and upscale. I didn't buy into it but many others have and continue to do so... Hey, more power to them if they can sucker the weak minded palates into paying for it (it really isn't that difficult to trick people into thinking the food is better than it is anywhere if you packaged it and tell the right story).
Now, comes their more upscale spot where they can hawk their "draft Old Fashioned" in a Mad Men-esque motif. The space is well designed and gives you a feel of 60's eloquence. The cocktail menu didn't impress me as much as their original at Pinewood. The menu development centered around the prime rib... Why? I have no fucking clue, maybe it's a 60's thing to go with the theme but it doesn't exactly say posh to me, it reminds me more of a touristy item you would find at a Vegas buffet, wedding dinner or the center piece for old people on a cruise ship buffet, the prime rib is such a gimmicky dish. It took me awhile to work up my strength and interest to come back here, but I'm game for some hunk of manmeat... Because they gotta have a scam to pay the high rent somehow.

Rolls and butter. The butter was at room temp soft but the rolls were at days old hard. They were so hard that it dulled the knife on the table trying to cut them in half. I had to use my sculpted biceps and finger strength to rip these petrified carb balls apart. Once the innards were buttered they were still a bit of a struggle to chew and chew before you could swallow it... I felt like a cow just constantly moving my mouth back and forth grinding away. Maybe it was a good sign that I only ate half of one. The hand made old fashioned wasn't any better than the OF on draft. I keep getting suckered into the cocktails here but they always fail me... So, I resorted to drinking their "Merc draft" which was the champagne of beers that still carried a hefty price tag for that swill. The cocktails are not terrible if they were $5 each but anything over $10 for a cocktail here is just ill advised.

Caesar Salad w/ White Anchovies. I got suckered in for the white anchovies but this was one of the not so great caesar salad I have ever had. The caesar dressing was watery and lacked any of that punch a real housemade caesar dressing have. The salad itself was small and weak. The croutons tasted like it came from a bag, the slices of parmesan were fine but the 3 tiny slivers of white anchovies were thrown on there in the corner like it didn't matter, an after thought that they forgot about until the last second at the pass. A real shitty display that was obvious about the passion and technique the kitchen has for even the simplest dish on the menu. All I could think of was how many wings I coulda got at Hop's chicken even though they have failed me 75% of the time but that's a chance I would take again than the $10 I paid for this subpar ruffage.

Steak Tartare. Does this look like a failed cartoon character to anyone? Covering up the main ingredient is never a good thing, it says you're trying to hide something. The 4 pieces of bread were dried out and seemed like they were toasted off 4 hours ago and sitting in a hotel pan waiting to be tossed on a plate so it can be put out of it's misery. The sunnyside up egg is cute but I would have it much preferred to be cooked in a round mold like in an Egg McMuffin that is the same size as the mold they used to form the tartare... It would be much more uniform and better looking, too. The steak tartare mix was actually quite nice and flavorful but once you mash up the egg yolk and whites into the tartare it was just a total mess. The hard gum biting toasts were not the right vehicle to deliver the room temp ground beef to your facehole. The toasts shattered into pieces when you take a bite with the tartare on it. It was just a sloppy thinking of a dish, no matter how much they thought it was a winner. It looked like some home cook was making this dish for the first time at home for his sweetie. Oh, it's wonderful, honey...

Just a total mess to eat with that dried out hard toasted bread. Been there, done that, prolly not again unless they rethink this.

The Merc's Seafood Chowder. The price to portion ratio was a total joke, it was like half a cup of barely warmed through chowder if you want to call it that. The consistency was fine but the "seafood" was added in after the half ladle of chowder was pour into the tiny bowl with the flared lip for maximum effect. One shrimp on top as garnish and a few cubes of fish sprinkled around. One of the worst overpriced chowder I have had, if you can even call it a chowda. It's almost an insult that they charge so much for a couple of spoonfuls of soup...But I'm sure Bania would have no problem ordering this, he did have a hot dog earlier. If it was spectacular and packed with high end ingredients then it may be worth it but this was just a slap in the flap on my pouch. Skip it.

Julian's Cut. A 10 oz piece of Revere Meat Co. prime rib with au jus and horseradish cream. It's kinda impressive when it came out because it was the only thing on the plate without any sides to distract you from the rosy hunk of manmeat placed right in the center... It was a Jedi mind trick to distract you from the $30 price tag. But it was a portion that was more than enough for one person. No one needs to eat more than 10 ounces of meat in one sitting... Unless you're John Candy and we all know how that ended, bless his bloated clotted gristled heart. The pinch of braised onion, not caramelized, was kinda chintzy for the size of the meat... But let's get up close and personal...

The beautiful rosy color was spot on. It was tender, moist and cut through like butter but it was kinda unseasoned which was surprising. It's a wonder how much flavor a little more salt, pepper and even MSG could bring out of a piece of meat. It's the different between a mouthgasm and a bloated soda burp... It's night and day with the umami. The au just was rich and savory and the horseradish cream gave it a nice pop to the rather muted meat, I couldn't eat each piece that I sliced without dipping it in one or both sauces. While the cut of the prime rib was nice, the overall satisfaction factor just didn't justify the lofty price tag... Some would say otherwise but for $30 there are a dozen places around town that can deliver a lot more protein gratification for less. I may be tempted to try the sliced prime rib sandwich but just think about how many banh mis you can get for $20 at Quoc or cubanos at Pan Americano... That is meat heaven right there. Like an OTP tourist, I did it for my one reader.

The Merc's Mac & Cheese. It's cute to serve it in a small sauce pan but totally unnecessary, it's overkill for this side dish. But I get it, though, it's easier to brown the top in a self-contained vessel. The mac was pretty good, ooey and gooey and the pasta was the perfect texture. This was a good mac & cheez but was it $9 good? That will be your call... But once again, I'm thinking about how many pieces of fwied cheekan I could get for that amount of loot.

The concept, theme and decor is well thought out and I'm kinda warming up to it but how long this new car smell will last is anyone's guess... It gives the feel of a 60's vibe but the lofty prices slaps you back to reality that a Coke ain't 5 cents no more. Everything is pretty much hit or miss on this visit but for these prices you should expect, no, demand more for your hard earned buck. The service was attentive and the staff seemed to be well prepared and familiar with the daily operations... Except for the awkward inexperienced millennial food runner that kinda just threw the plates on the table and scurried off without saying a word like a frightened chihuahua. I would love for this place to work but the price to value ratio are just at the opposite ends on the scale. There are a few things that needs attention and work, mostly the menu and cocktails if they continue to charge those prices... Even though most people will say it's great because that's what they think they should be saying. But after the curious first timers have experienced this joint, it will be a challenge to get that group to become repeat customers with the current state of affairs here. The pricey menu will deter the majority of people who comes to this food hall looking for inexpensive tasty morsels, but that is not their demographics they seek. Pinewood has a repeat local following because they're in hipster Decatur, the Mercury is in a touristy destination food hall. As for now, this won't be on my regular rotation but what the fuck do I know... I'm just a fat slob but I guess time will tell if this place will become a success. Just remember, y'all got a lot of competition downstairs...

Ponce City Market
675 Ponce De Leon Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30308
http://themercuryatl.com/

Rreal Tacos

Stopped by for a quick bite to see if this joint was da rreal deal... The menu is pretty simple and I kinda liked it. They could use more taco options like lengua, cabeza, tripa, seso, buche or even chorizo... But let's not get ahead of ourselves here, we're in midtown after all, the palate of the dull. The rent here must not be cheap in this brand new construction, the profit margins can't be that wide selling tacos. Just an odd location for a semi-authentic taco joint... But they should get some good traffic since the gringos fucking love tacos.
Let's make it a quick trip and "keep it simple combo"...Well, I thought it would be quick until the food runner passed by with my order and gave it to the table of gringos in the corner. 30 minzies for 2 tacos and a side, the drink I got immediately up at the register. But whatever, I can wait for two measly tacos. Hopefully, they will taste as good as they're pushing it to be while I wait and wait. There's no self serve salsa stands here, everything is by request... I guess to cut down on waste which is smart.

Pork Trompo and Pork Carnitas. Standard corn tortillas here but you can upgrade to homemade tortillas for 25 cents, I shoulda did that but I wanted to keep it simple. They shoulda just upgraded those fuckers since I had to wait. The color and aroma from the tacos were really nice, these meat flaps kinda remind me of a couple ex-gf's which made my mouth sweat with saliva and my tongue flutter rapidly. You kinda just want to ram that hog right in your mouth and swallow it whole. But don't forget to lubricate it with some of the salsas to make it slide down your throat with ease... I liked the cilantro and adobe one, they had a lot of viscosity. Both pork versions were really good but the cheap standard corn tortillas started to break down half way through eating them. It can get real messy if you don't calculate their shelf life into the eating time of these things. I would get these again but maybe I should try the cheekan and beef next time... 

Crisp Avocado. Battered and fried avocado slices... Thick cut slices at that. These were really good but you definitely need a couple of dipping salsas for them or else they get boring after the 3 bite. I would not doubt that I would get them again on the next visit.

Horchata. $1 upcharge to sub out the soda in the taco combo dealio... Not too shabby at all and you can tell it's home made which was a nice touch for authenticity. I liked it since it wasn't overly sweet like most other places. Need to try the other aqua frescas next time but the horchata was a good call.

Simple menu that will satisfy any midtown millennial's unsophisticated palate.

I like this spot and the grub they sling but being right in midtown and not having the Mexican't flair and fare, I doubt they will become a tremendous hit around here. Gringos love shitty Mexican't slop and the gimmicky crap that goes with the stereotypical Mexi resto. The place was pretty quiet except the owner had family in here and another table full of the Buckhead Army privates... And yet they still had issues with getting food out quickly with barely anyone in there with a full staff in the kitchen. I wish them luck and I would come back again to support them but they need to do something to bring in more traffic or else I don't see them lasting long with the rents around here. With taco joints in the city, either you go balls to the wall on authentic ingredients or you go all gringo tourist trap, there is no in between... Which I sense they're trying to do here. You have to make a mark in this town or else get swept up with the times.


100 6th St NE #110
Atlanta, GA 30308
http://www.rrealtacos.com/

BeetleCat Friday Lunch

The fan boys and girls of this resto group have already made up their minds before even eating here. They have already claimed this to be one of the best seafood joints in town and drank the Koolaid long ago before this concept was even an twinkle in FF's eyeball. These are the people that have made this resto group popular because they have created an illusion that this was the place to be for these people and these are the same people that you should never take culinary advice from. I had a decent dinner experience here but it was so obvious that the people who come here aren't in it for the food, they're here for the scene which is totally fine because the downstairs lounge area is pretty cool but the annoying Buckhead Army crowd wasn't.
The place is overpriced like with all his restos but there are so many suckers in this town that will pay the price of admission to see and been seen all in the name to impress... Which no one gives a fuck. This part of Inman Park has seen massive development recently that basically erased the true culture and history of this area with slabs of concrete and resto openings on both sides of this one block stretch... It's a good thing but you know what they say about too much, too soon... The influx of the OTP tourists have been invading the area like the invasion of the body snatchers. Speaking of snatch... I had a chance to finally stop by for their Friday only lunch menu because of that wacky religious holiday that no one gives a fuck about. But thanks anyway for the day off at work from your suffering, baby Jesus. I hope it will be worth my limited time and unlimited pouch space... The menu is short and to the point, your greatest seafood shack hits... Well, a very shortened and revised Southern version of it. A real seafood shack on the water has a lot more options... But let's work with what we have here first.

Fisherman's Platter, clam bellies, clam strips, haddock, chowder, fries, coleslaw, pickle, sauces. I was really here for just the bellies but after inquiring how big they were, I decided to go with the platter instead so I can sample everything. If I had just the bellies alone and they turned out to be total shit, then I would have just fucked myself in the ass and pouchbelly. For a lunch box, the portion was acceptable. The color of this fry basket was golden brown which was impressive at first sight. Upon further inspection, the amount of clams were minimal because everything sat on top of these giant logs of taters which took up like 50% of the space on the bottom. Classic resto trick, stack it high to give it that impressive visual. The haddock crust was soft but the white flesh was flaky and pretty tasty... The one thing that almost immediately stood out was the salt content. This entire box was showered with salt. The clam strips were mixed with some tender ones and others so over cooked that it tasted like fried rubber bands. Some were hard as match sticks devoid of all moisture. While the crust was crispy and golden brown, it's stickiness to the bivalves were a struggle to hold on. More of it came off than stayed on from the transition from box to mouth... Sounds sicker when clams are involved. No hair was detected so that was good. The more you eat, the more your mouth is saying no no not another bite because of the heavy handedness on the salt before and after the frying process. The chowder was a half portion of a half portion that barely hit the middle mark of this infant sized gelato bowl... Maybe that was a good thing because the seafood chowder had more bacon cubes in it than seafood. All you tasted was bacon on top of bacon. It was grainy as well which was weird, little specks of white throughout the entire bacon chowder... Maybe they were Kosher salt since it was salty as hell. So, what about the bellies that I have been clamoring about over and over again?

Found a belly! There were actually 3 or 4 bellies in this platter which was surprising. A couple were tiny pearl sized bellies and the others were dime sized. In the north, clam bellies are prized items and some are the size of golf balls and full of incredible digested smut from their sea floor feedings...  It's basically a pile of shit inside the belly and they are an amazing culinary delicacy. Once coated and fried, they become edible golden fried black gold. This specimen above was decent size and filled with the dericious muddy innards. Clam bellies are almost non-existent in the south because their palates are not as refined to be eating fried clam shit... Perhaps I am the one with a disgusting palate, yeah, it's prolly just me. As one of only a scarce few places that have fried clam bellies, I ain't complaining but the price for them here are just too ridiculous to have on a consistent basis... $21 for a small portion of bellies alone or $22 for this platter. There are some Asian joints on Buford Hwy that does fried clam bellies but they are sporadic and scattered as specials only.

Fries. Fries? These aren't fries, these are fucking Lincoln Logs. I can start that log cabin that I always wanted to build with a few orders of these... I picked out a nice spot on the left side of downstairs lounge, right next to the sewer. These things were either thought out thoroughly or they were just being lazy. They were good but no one wants to cut fries into bite size pieces... And yes they were salty as hell. The coleslaw helped with the salt factor but it was a wet slaw with a bit too much celery salt. It also came with pickles but I literally got the two ends of the pickle, no slices which was totally ridiculous.

Clam Strip Roll, chips and coleslaw. It looked pretty good at first glance. But something was missing here... Oh, yeah, the chips. But there was one chip mixed in with the clam strips, so that counts right? How does one fuck that up and forget the chips that comes with every roll that you make all during the special Friday lunch shift? Not a big deal but it's so amateurish coming from this place. The bun was buttered and toasted spot on with that nice crunchy crust and golden color. The fried clam strips looked like they just dumped the fry basket on top of the bun with all the bits in the bottom, too. And once again, they are addicted to salt like Tony Montana's coke habit. Both the bun and the clams were salty as fuck. If that wasn't enough, the clam strips were all over fried and had the texture like the thick rubber bands used on lobster claws... Maybe these were the rubber bands from the lobster rolls that got mixed into the batter by accident and dropped in the fryer. When I have a hard time finishing a clam strip roll, there's gotta be something up with it. It looked great on paper and on the plate but once you put it in you mouth it doesn't live up to the hype or the high price tag for it.

It's weird that they still only do lunch on Fridays for that fish fry shack concept that they trying to portray here and their late night fry shack menu doesn't include most of the lunch menu items, the one thing that does stay on is the clam roll which I won't be revisiting. After all this time, you would think that they got this seafood fry shack down pat with consistently fried seafood but this visit proved otherwise... It coulda been a fluke on this visit but I doubt it... The only thing that I'm a sucker for is fwied cheekan but none of this will matter to the people who come here because the menu is the last thing they're looking at. I would rather come here for a few drinks than to dine here but there are some nice specimens of fish walking around in slinky outfits and you can eat them for cheaper than the clam roll on the late night menu.

299 North Highland Avenue
Atlanta, GA 30307
http://www.beetlecatatl.com/

Beaver Creek Biscuit Company and BBQ

I don't move much because I'm large and lethargic... So, it was time to get some exercise outdoors because if I'm in my home gym I end up drinking whiskey and making a big pot of chili. Got in the car and drove out to Sweetwater Creek. After a few miles of hiking next to the river with some sweet rapids and pretending I was in the Revenant, I had about enough of this nature shit... It was time to stuff the pouch. Since, I was in the country there's gotta be some good BBQ out here. There's a few BBQ joints nearby but this little shithole looked like it had promise... The shittier the place looks on the outside the better Q it should have. This little red shack supposedly have some good biscuits and breakfast grub but they ain't serving that shit since it's 3 in the afternoon. But they also have BBQ for lunch and on. There's a shack next to it that has "Smokehouse" painted on the side and there's piglet statues on the roof... It had all the markings of a true Q joint. The internet also had good ratings on this place but everyone knows you can't fucking trust all that yahoo bullshit online. Let's see how many tooths we can count in here.

The cute little shithole's exterior... If it looks like a gas station or an outhouse that's a good sign... But I don't know about that French chef statue on the side there... Hmmm. There's not many items on the menu except for the standard BBQ options (plates & sandos) and they also had fried chicken... Mmm, fwied cheekan. The interior is nothing impressive but that's what I wanted... No frills but the food must be awesome. There's a bigger dining room on the other side. The kitchen is pretty standard.

Beef Sandwich, Brunswick Stew, Fries. I was kinda excited about the fried chicken and asked if it was bone-in, they said no, it's boneless tenders. What. Da. Fuck. Yo... A hillbilly joint that serves fucking chain resto fried chicken strips? C'mon, chief, you just lost major points there. So, I resorted to getting the chopped up beef Q sando plate since they don't have sliced brisket. All their BBQ is pretty much chopped. This plate was looking pretty sad and the up charge Brunswick stew looked commercialized. The beef was stringy and wet since the bun was soaked through with the juice the meat was sitting in. The fries were limp, barely warm and looked as if this was the last portion because it was full of bits and ends that you would find at the bottom of the pan. On another order, they shouted, be careful the fries are really hot and fresh! Thanks motherdicks, give the slant the old wilted shit, he won't know the difference. Wrong motherfuckers... You fucked with the wrong overweight FOB on this day. The B-stew was average at best, it didn't have that wow factor on the tongue nor smokiness and it also lacked lima beans. But how was the beef Q sando...

They have two sauces, both pretty watery. One was a brown mustard vinegary sauce that was pretty much lackluster. The other was a thicker spicy mustard sauce which I guess was their famous "Seminole Sauce" was the better of the two. Since, the beef was so boring after sitting in it's own watery spunk for who knows how long and how many different batches mixed in, I had to use some flavor on it and the spicy mustard sauce was the best option without watering it down any further. The entire sando was so mushy and gummy that I had enough of it after the first couple of bites. This was no better than the prepackaged BBQ you would get at Publix refrigerated aisle. I don't doubt that the meat was smokey when it was first made but after pulverizing it to bits and holding it in a pan full of watered down drippings, it lost all of it's original characteristics after time. This was one of the worst case specimens of bastardized BBQ I have had in this state. I had high hopes for the BBQ but y'all failed me miserably.  

Pork Sando, Baked Beans, Slaw. If they treated the beef with such irreverence, the pork should not fall far from that same tree. The pork did have more of a hint of smoke than the beef but that doesn't mean it was good. It's pulverized just as much as the beef was but it wasn't sitting in as much of it's own funk. It was still wet but not bun soaking wet. Overall, it was still a sad BBQ pork sando... The quality would be questionable even at a back yard BBQ if you were to serve it to your friends. I would be embarrassed to claim this as my own but for someone who knows nothing about Q would be ok with this. The baked beans tasted like it can straight outta a can and not even doctored up with spices or bacon bits, it's like the shit you ate as a child after school... Well, at least I did because we were poor. The slaw was ok, actually it was the best part of this entire meal.

Both the pork and beef were pretty much lackluster and boring, they would not win any contest but if you were toothless this might be a godsend. I didn't try their ribs but I would imagine it being soaked with HFCS sauce... But the 1/2 chicken plate did look ok. It was sizable and bone-in but totally slathered in this bright red sugary sauce that gravity had no affect on it. Maybe I came at the wrong time, maybe it's the biscuits, biscuit sandos and breakfast items are their claim to fame because it was definitely not their BBQ they're known for. They were nice country folk but there is nothing here worth coming back for... Especially, this far out in the wilderness.

1451 Six Flags Rd
Lithia Springs, GA 30122 
http://beavercreekbbq.net/

M572

I've been to the Local 7 a few times, it's your basic local "sports" type bar/resto... It's a good addition to this industry starved country area. Tucker is not exactly a culinary destination on the map, it's filled with the fat American chains sprinkled throughout the area. So, the Local 7 owners decided to open a more upscale casual "southern farm to table" resto a couple doors down that they thought the area was sorely needing and looking for this type of dining. It's located kinda across the street from Matthew's Cafeteria and it's prolly the most refined resto on this Main Street strip. If they build it, will the mountain goats come?
The interior is clean, simple, a bit modern with a sense of southern charm. The menu is not extensive so that's a good sign, it's got all your southern hits except no fried chicken was spotted. The cocktail menu looked ok, it's pretty simple, nothing out of the ordinary. The bar with the subway tiles on the back wall is pretty fancy pants for this area and a decent inventory of booze on the shelves at first glance... But will it draw the crowds here for a proper cocktail with no TVs on the wall? I don't know if that serious cocktail crowd would come here unless there is someone well known behind the stick.
Sat down at a table and the first thing I notice was the water glasses were upside down with the rim resting on the table with no place mats or cocktail napkin... This was as big no no because everyone knows that everyone wipe the tables down with the same filthy wet rag in a bucket of cleaning solution. I'm not in the mood for a dirty rim job tonight... We can talk about that maybe after 4 or 5 cocktails and if only you drive a Lotus Esprit. Speaking of cocktails... Let's see what they can do.

First on the list... The M572 Old Fashion made with Michters. What what in da butt. This was impressive but let's see the end product... First thing I notice on the glass is the damn bottom, it's raised in the center to trick you with an old water displacement trick. Second, there is no way you can make a proper cocktail with that conehead sticking up in the glass. Took a whiff of the drink, it smelled alright. Took a sip of the drink and it was weak and way too sweet to be called an Old Fashion, wait, they didn't spell it with the "ed" at the end... Hmm, no wonder why. I got fucked again! So the rest of the night I asked for a regular Old Fashioned and they weren't any better than the first. Oh, well, let's hope the food will make up for it. Their brown liquor selection is pretty limited right now, so let's hope it gets better with time.

Pork Belly Tacos. The plating is so weird, looks like an UFO sighting. Are they trying to be like a taco joint on Buford Hwy where all the tacos are laid out like that, but on Bufo Hwy for the price of these tacos that plate would be full of assorted tacos. Luckily, it tasted better than it looked... Because of the pork belly. Y'all got lucky this time. You get a pass for now.

Bar Burger. This burger looked bigger than it was because of that giant slab of bacon or belly or whatever that was on top. I could use that to replace a rotten board on my back deck. For a bar burger, this was pretty good if you were eating at the bar with a stout and a shot of Yamazaki 12. Don't ask if they have Japanese whisky... You know the answer to that question.

Pot Pie. The whole thing about a pot pie is the crust... Jesus Christ, this was like going to communion. Forgive me father for I will sin and curse in a second over this Ritz cracker crust. This was no pot pie, not even close. I could get a can of Campbell's cream of chicken, a bag of Kroger's mixed veggie in the freezer aisle and a left over biscuit from Popeyes and it would trump this. The stewed chicken and veggies were fine but that crust was a joke... It didn't even have the right color on the butter pastry cracker.

Green Tomato Pickles. Looks like they could redeem themselves after that pot pie fiasco with these little crispy chips of pickled green tomatoes. After eating two of these things, they have allowed themselves to continue serving me the next dish from the kitchen. They were good and a nice touch on the size of these things, no fork and knife needed.

Duck Confit Hash. The soft poached egg was spot on, a bit runny and bright yellow/gold color. Mix it all up with the root veggies and duck confit and you got a very toothsome dish. This is a great example of what the kitchen can do when they're not fucking around. This was well composed and the flavors worked well on the palate. I would make a dish like this at home but I would also add some crispy lardons in there.

Pot Roast. Another good example of what the kitchen can do here. This is a pretty simple dish that most homecooks can do well but this kitchen put out a very savory and comfy version on this visit. The roast was fork tender and broke apart with ease, the root veggies, greens were spot on and the pan jus had that perfect coating consistency. If this came with a side of fresh made pasta or any fragrant rice to soak up all the yum yums it would be a killer dish.

Brussels Sprouts. It's tough to fuck up brussels sprouts these days since every menu has them as a side or part of the main dish. They flash fry them here to finish which gives it a crispy outer layer. Top it off with bacon, olive oil and lemon and you got a classic hit.

Shrimp & Grits. Shrimp was supposed to be a la plancha but don't see any evidence of it with the lack of color to them. Seemed more sauteed with butter and oil, instead. But the parmesan grits were soft and velvety with a hint of their bacon jam on the finish, the celery and apple slaw gave it the crisp contrast to it. Not bad but just kinda boring, if the shrimp had some char/color on it it would taste totally different and for the better. Put a little more color in this dish and it would be 10 times better.

It's a tough location to do something more upscale in this country area, the demographics are more accustomed to the chains and shitty fast food around here. They don't want to spend the amount of money for pricey southern food in this area since they can get a low rent version of it for pennies on the dollar around the corner or across the street. They don't care if it's organic or free range, it all tastes the same to these locals. Trying a craft cocktail program here is also a big risk since the devoted cocktail drinking crowd sticks close to where their barkeeps work the stick. The food is on the right track, just needs to work on a few things but keep it simple and full of flavor and color... I would come back and try a couple other things on the menu but not in any rush. The drink menu needs work because I don't want to see that nice bar to go to waste... Like I saw on this visit, the bar was empty and I couldn't figure out who the bartender was, maybe that was the problem.
Does Tucker need a upscale casual joint like this... I don't know about right now but hopefully more local yokels will develop a more refined taste than for a friggin' blooming onion.

2316 Main St.
Tucker, GA 30084
http://fiveseventwo.com/

Pouch Eats Townie Shit

Y'all know da Pouch will do anything for his fan base... Keyword "fan", one fan is better than none. This shows you how dedicated I am to my never ending quest to give my fan the very best of edible eats in this one horse town. I would eat shit that will make a billy goat puke... For the children, but if I can save just one person from a massive case of IBS and explosive diarrhea then it has been worth it. I have done my job. Ok, enough of this mother Teresa crap, let's go eat some shit from around town and I hope they have a good supply of TP.

O'Charley's.
Yes, I know what you're going to fucking say, so I'm gonna beat y'all to the punch. I did gone dunn it. I have never been to one of these dumps, don't even know where the fuck one was but I saw a commercial that they had Nashville Hot Chicken... How the fuck am I gonna say no to that shit? This will also give me an excuse to come here and bust my cherry on this dump in the name of research and science... Tis was for the greater good of all pouchkind and for the children. Goddamn, now it's really sinking in... What the fuck am I doing here... This place was ghetto as shit. Maybe the hot cheekan will be authentic, yet... Ok, don't bust my fucking balls, not yet, bro.

Nashville Hot Chicken. I gotta admit this didn't look half bad. The cheekan had a decent dark shimmery glaze over the large boneless tender. The shiny bun was buttered and lightly toasted topped with a bed of coleslaw, crispy tender, hot cayenne sauce/grease and pickles. I cut it in half and examine it, this shit didn't look half bad. Was this a dream? Am I living the commercial in my head? Took a bite... What the fuck, dude? It was pretty good, given that this came out of that chain kitchen. It wasn't that spicy but for a hot cheekan in a sando form, it was actually acceptable. It was crispy, crunchy and even though it was white meat the flesh was tender and moist. The cayenne hot sauce does given you a tingle and it will prolly do for 95% of the population as spicy cheekan. The fries were your run of the mill brown bag special, just belly filler. Would I get it again? Prolly not because it's boneless and in sando form but I give them a little credit for executing a hot chicken that came out better than I had imagined.

Crab Cake and Sirloin. This is more like it...Your standard issued chain resto surf and turf. The crab cake was too fishy and gummy but it was larger than I thought. The steak was actually cooked to temp, mid rare, which surprised the shit outta me. The pink/reddish color was spot on but it was bland and tasteless like most steaks at chain restos... That's why they usually blanket it in sauce or some other chunky dressing. The green beans had a snap like they were actually freshly made, what the fuck, where am I? The broccoli was just steamed and unseasoned. For the price you pay, it's pretty much what you would expect.

Fried Green Tomatoes. They were continuing their southern special promos... But what the fuck is this slop? It looked like some adult star sprayed her monthly special sauce all these fried disks. They were supposed to be green tomatoes but with all that HFCS BBQ sauce all over them it just covered whatever flavor the green tomato had. The plating was so revolting that even if this was Popeyes, I woulda prolly passed on it. Nice try but how do you fuck up FGT that badly, just leave the shit alone and put the sauce and garnish on the side, bro. 

Chicken Tenders. I couldn't fucking resist getting their hand battered tenders since I was still thinking about Popeyes. They were pretty good, crispy crunchy and steamy inside. That honey mustard sauce was garbage but they were good enough that they could be eaten alone or with just hot sauce.

They had these warm rolls with whipped buttered come out in the beginning, I refused to eat them because they looked so fake but I had a bite and if it wasn't for the whipped salted butter they woulda tasted like sawdust. This will be the first and last time that 


Taco Mac.
When you get lazy enough and you're craving wings, you will settle for almost anything because it's close... This Taco Mac location is like the red headed stepchild of this chain. You know they wanted it to be a cool place to hangout and watch sports in the beginning but it has morphed into a mystery of who their demographics are over time. It's a crowd of misfits that only Bernie Sanders could love because those are the only votes he can get. Speaking of old wrinkled white things... Time to eat some spicy hot wings and feel the Bern...

Wings, nekid with Three Mile Island and Slow Burn. I always get my wings naked because most sauces suck and they ruin the wings if you have them dressed. The skin was crispy but their wings seem like they are always dry on the inside. They're prolly pre-fried, held in a hot box and flash fried to order. They're not great wings, far from it... Even if you drown them in hot sauce, it doesn't mask the sub-quality wings here. If you're desperate these will do but go else where for some proper wangz. Oh, the 3 Mile and Slow Burn sauces were WEAK.

Shrimp, guacamole, mango wrap thinger... I didn't even know they could even come up with something this special. Too bad it was a gooey mess and lacked any tropical flavor with all that shit in there. This specimen kept reminding about that unicorn taking rainbow dumps in cone, same concept here but it was Ricky Martin taking a dump in a rolled up tortilla.


Tucker Meat Market.

This place is a total dump like some trucker stop in the middle of nowhere but I kinda like this little local butcher/market/deli... The got a lot of meat and a small grill menu that is mostly burgers and fries. I tried their spicy seasoned burger but it wasn't spicy at all. The burger was decent even though a zit nosed high school kid made it... So, he had no fucking clue how to cook a burger to temp, it was just medium+. I also checked under the hood to make sure there was no wad of loogie dressing laying silently in wait to test my gag reflexes. It's an ok burger, nothing that special. I wouldn't come back for their burger but their butchered meat selection is pretty decent... How many butcher shops do you see in this town anymore? They need all the local support they can get.


Blue Ribbon Grill.
I have been here a couple of times before and it's townie as fuck... But somehow this place keeps drawing me back. I don't know what it is but it could be the giant martini specials that is available everyday for $7.49.

Fried Green Beans. Nothing really that special but I am always drawn to order these things. Could be a fetish for small long crunchy things.

Mushroom Swiss Burger. Their burgers are pretty decent and they do cook it to temp. It's nice to a spot on mid rare at a joint like this. It's a big burger and tastes pretty good. Not overly greasy and seasoned pretty well. The fries are decent, too.

Veggie Burger. For a meatless patty, it does look kinda meaty. No veggie burger is ever good but this was kinda acceptable hidden under all that ruffage and after 3 giant martinis.

Old Fashion in a giant margatini glass... What the fudgepacker? Who cares.. Did you see the size of this thing? It all goes down to the same place and it will get you fucked up fast. If I wanted a proper cocktail, this would be 13th on my list.


Leon's Full Service.

Foie gras terrine, orange marmalade-creme fraiche mousse. It was like buttah... How can this offal pie be so good and smooth as a Catholic school girl. I could eat like 4 of them with a couple of orders of this ultra fatty foie gras, then pass out from a lack of oxygen from the clogged arteries and plaid skirts on my face.

Beef Cheek Poutine. This fad dish has been played out but it doesn't mean that it wasn't good. Break that yolk and mix that shit up and shovel it into your facehole... You will have a shit eatin' grin from ear to ear and your muffin top will be peeking out under your shirt to say hello.

Charcuterie Board. I don't know what it is but white people love these giant boards of thinly sliced cured meats. The board is lightly scattered with assorted meats and spreads and other stuff to make the plank of wood look impressive. Quantity is not their main focus here, quality is... And it does it justice even if it looks like sloppy plating.


The pouch has been eating so much that finding the time to write all this shit up for my one reader was a difficult task... But no worries, my sausage fingaz are doing the talking in overdrive. You can smell my fingers if you want to... It's smells like a greasy Dell keyboard. Until next time motherfuckers... I need a fat nap.

Nam Phuong

Pretty much everybody knows about this place now... Since, Lee's pho pretty much sucks ass nowadays except for their banh mi, mostly everybody is going up the street to this joint for everything else. NP has been consistent ever since they opened this location closer to town. The menu is extensive and mostly everything here is good or real good. It's total comfort, filling, inexpensive, homey grub. The service is good and quick. They know what they're doing here and their shit is guud-uud. Take a gander on this late night snack...

Bun Bo Hue. I told myself that I would get something different this time... But I just can't say no to the BBH like every other time. They put the most god awful shit in there and I love them for it. Blood cakes, pig feet, hock, slices of beef with a ton of tendon, mystery porky cake slices, the rich beef bone/shank broth with lemongrass and the nice balance of spicy, sweet, sour and salty. The rice noodles are rounder and thicker which was spot on. This is one of the better version in this town.

Pho, meatball, tendon, tripe. I like how they have an option where you can pick any 3 item to customize your own pho bowl. These 3 items are a no brainer for anyone who wants the best stuff in their noodle soup. Big hunks of tendon which is so good for you, tripe as clean and toothy as you find anywhere, and dense yet springy Viet meatballs has that toothy snap with every bite. Good stuff. 

Rice Cakes. These are one of my all time favorite snack... I love how they pan fried an egg then put the cubes of rice cake on top, get some color on that side then flip the whole thing over for more color. You get the crispy outside with the softness inside. And the fried egg mixed in is just awesome.

Fish Sauce Glazed Wings. When I had these for the first time years and years ago in their original upstate location, I was in love and reported it immediately to my one fan... And somehow that fan spilled the beans to all the media outlets and they started declaring it as one of their favorite wings as well... Motherfucker ripoff artists. These are mine! So, lay off, skanks. They still rock and so damn good... You get the sweet, salty and funkiness from the fish sauce reduced down with soy and spices to a nice thick coating that you can't stop rolling the wing in bite after bite. This shit is addictive.

Tofu Crepe. I thought it was just gonna be a Taco Bell quesadilla sized app for a quick few bites to whet your appetite... But noooo, they send this fucking beast out, instead. This spectacle was outrageously large... This thing was hanging off the plate and accompanied with a giant shrub on the side. Look at the fork for a size and girth comparison.

Who wants to play a game of Operation... Look at the innards of this beast. It's like a Buddha's delight inside a pouch. There is a lot going on in here and this is no appetizer, it's more like a full meal. Vegetarians would love this but I'm pretty the crepe batter has egg in it so y'all are shit out luck with this app. It's pretty good but it didn't wow me enough to order it again, especially, when there are so many other goodies on the giant menu.

This place rocked out with their cocks out again... Like usual. The funny part of the night was the table of whities that had no clue what this cuisine was all about. The middle aged blonde was totally confused by the menu until she saw shrimp fried rice... She was prolly thinking why aren't there any Chinese food at this Asian resto. She was also pissed that they didn't serve alcohol at this location, you can tell she has never gone a day with drowning her reality with 2 Buck Chuck, poor lil cracker girl I know how you feel... That's why I always bring a flask. Our server who also had their table took the liberty and ordered them the exact same apps we had but the bun bo hue was just too over the top and scary for these neophytes. One of their table mates asked where the crab was in the tofu crepe, server said not crab, crepe. Oh, bless your hearts, pale ones... And stick to Chipotle.

4051 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30345