The Federal

The Bantam + Biddy mini chain has been pretty popular with the masses with their diner style grub... I liked it the couple of times I have visited but nothing really stood out to be on my rotation. Diners are great and are an American institution... In NYC, but here in da ATL, the "diner" style concept has become tiresome to me. The B+B location midtown just didn't draw the family crowd because the Crescent area has really been known for clubbing, drinking, and rowdy bar scenes. Yes, it has toned down a lot over the years but you still get a lot of riff raffs in this area during the weekends. I'm glad the B+B crew decided to take another direction and bring back the spirit of Shaun's from the dead... I think a mini-Shaun's will fit much better in this area of midtown than a family-esque "diner" concept. Let's face it, there are no kids or families in this area, and they got limited traffic and street presence... The location is walkable but not with kids. Let's just bring the grown up thing back here... And bringing back the Shaun's concept with a modern Fronchy bistro twist will be a nice change from all the half-assed concepts drowning midtown over the last few years.
Let's go check it out and see if Shaun Doty still has what it takes to make the pouch swoon... Can he still cook like a real man or has frying up cheekan fingaz for bratty kids has killed his will to live and cook? We all know parking sucks a big motherfucking cock around midtown and especially with the Park Atlanta bullshit people had to deal with over the last few years, but they do have a parking lot right next door with 2 hours free. Shit, I better order as much as I can and eat as fast as I can...

Sardinian Flatbread, simple salad, vella dry jack cheese, argan oil. One of Shaun's signature dish... It's changed a little bit with the toppings and garnish but it still retained the flavors and essence of the original dish. It's a cute dish, the broads will dig it.

Antipasto, iowa prosciutto, mozzarella, ligurian olives, deviled egg, duck. It's a nice bistro style plating of assorted morsels. It ain't a work of art visually but when you stick his meat in your mouth, you just want to hum. It was orally satisfying, I would do him, err, it again.

Beef Tartare, belgian style, fries. I can't say no beef tartare, especially, at a Fronch style bistro... I'm glad to see no raw egg yolk on top, did I ever mention that the egg yolk was a gimmick that some hack chef made up decades ago to differential his tartare from the sea of others... But anyhoo, after a taste of it, I suspect there was prolly some egg yolk involved as a liaison to bind the meat and other garnish together. Luckily, it was not overwhelming like in most restos... This version was light and airy with a hint of a mustard finish. It was actually very good, not heavy at all... But my version back in the old resto days is still superior. The fries were as addictive as the original version. This was a good showing of old school Shaun's.

Duck, Jaworski pierogies, cabbage. It doesn't look pretty after the server has been swirling this all around... But look at the size of that portion... That's like 2.5 duck breasts on there. Stop trying to impress me like we're on a first date, Shaun... You had me at 2 hour free parking validation. The execution also looked spot on by the rosy color of it... It was and tender and juicy as fuck, too. He did done good on this dish. The famous Jaworski pierogies did not disappoint either, fat and plump. There's some cabbage underneath all that fowl, too, but who cares about the kraut when Daffy was so tasty.

Pork Schnitzel, onion salad, peanuts, italian parsley. Another famous signature Shaun's dish... The much lauded pounded pork schnitzel... Shit, he can pound me with his porkhood anytime he pleases... Did I say that out loud, again... It's a hefty piece of Ms. Piggy, even when she's been pounded hard. Crispy thin crust, basically it crackles when you bite into it, and a juicy meaty pork flesh inside. It was seasoned spot on, nothing needed except for a quick squirt of lemon juice. The lemon test can be used in so many different oral ways... I also like to use the lemon test on unsavory broads I pick after a round of High Life, they don't know the difference between the champagne of beers or a Zima when it's served in a flute, it's all champagne to them and it makes them feel special and spoiled. I love socially challenged chicks, but the lemon test also comes in handy to see if they are repugnant downstairs, if they squeal like it stings, then you know it's got some open sores, so get your face outta that fucking bush ASAP... After you pump and dump, of course. Is that TMI? Schnitzel always give me a blood flow... I wished Willy Wonka would make this in bubble gum form, it's a lot less noticeable than those little blue pills... Like Jack Black's fucking jelly beans.

Steak Frites, sunflower sprout salad, maitre d’ butter. You can't go to a bistro and not try the clasic steak frites... The steak was spot on mid-rare and seasoned perfectly. Nothing needed except to put Shaun's hot beef injection into your mouth and swallow... And swallow I did, all of it.

Skate Wing, mashed fingerling potatoes. People fuck up skate wings all the time, they break it into pieces while cooking it or trying to plate it. But on this visit, they got it all correct. The skate wing was tender, flaky and had a really satisfying taste to it... That's prolly from the liberal use of butter on this sizeable piece of skate. Why is butter so damn good...

Sauteed Broccoli Rabe. I thought the sides going for $8 a piece was a tad bit high when I first read the menu... Then this came out. A rather sizeable bowl of rabe and garlic that was so fragrant that you can't stop scooping more and more on to your plate.

Sauteed Hen Mushrooms. Another ridiculously aromatic and woodsy mushroom side dish that was filled to the brim. This was totally worth the $8 for a big bowl of hen shrooms... This would be like $300 in Amsterdam... Wait, wrong blog.

Sticky Toffee Pudding and Key Lime Tart, coconut mousse. Another dish that has made it's way back on the menu was the sticky toffee pudding and for good reason, it's a fat ass' wet and sticky dream. I usually eat like one bite of any type of dessert but with this toffee pudding I had two bites, it was that good. The key lime tart was fine, delicate and tasted good.

Overall, Shaun and Lance (sadly, he was not there on this night) have not skipped a beat since Shaun's closed their doors oh so many years ago. The menu is the classic modern bistro greatest hits but it's not without fault, either, some dishes, while tasted good, were a bit rough around the edges and a bit messy on the plating. But those are just the little things that comes with a new concept, a newish menu and crew... Which I have no doubt will be fixed in no time. I'm still getting used to the name but it's good enough already that I would even bring rent-a-friends here... You know how you can tell if a chick is an escort? They're always with a fat guy. So, what... Fat guys need loving, too... Just make sure there's a good supply of lemons in here.

1050 Crescent Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
http://www.thefederalatl.com/

Cast Iron

Ever since P'cheen closed up shop, this location has become a curse of sorts... Last Word had good press because of the owner's history of success from the Woodfire Grill. But it had major growing pains right from the start, there was too much turnover in the front and back of the house, it just couldn't find an identity within the surrounding community... It came to be known more for a pop-up venue which helped local cooks spring board into other ventures from the publicity they received. I liked the place a lot even though I have never really had the food because the kitchen was such a shit show and nothing ever showed up at my table... But the cocktail program was very respectable. I have had very decently executed drinks many a times there. Sadly, the cursed location had the last word for that place.
But now comes another concept that is toned down a bit more and they're trying to get the feel for the neighborhood but the flux of outlanders jamming into the over commercialized Inman Park area isn't helping define the community. The Inman Quarter retail strip has become such a shit show with OTPers trying to be hip and jiggy with it. It's actually doing a disservice to the area that the locals have created over a long time... It's like a mini-Buckhead now, all you have to do is look at the people loitering around there in their Buckhead army outfits. But luckily, this new joint is not within walking distance of those BMW drivers.
On a recent weekend visit, the place was quiet but not dead... It felt cold and lifeless inside. I had to move from the back table they put me at near the bathrooms because of the intense cleaning liquid aroma that smelled like embalming fluid... I thought I was in a morgue. The front booth was no better with the narrow space between the table and back of the booth... I'm fat and I could barely slide my fat ass into the booth, imagine someone bigger than me trying to squeeze in there... All I can envision is Ms. Piggy putting on a pair of yoga pants, please don't bend over... I'll even pay for your food. Speaking of food... The menu looked like a good start for the initial opening... Let's see what will stay and what will be 86'd. The more I read into the menu the more I was like "meh"... Only a few dishes stood out enough for me to be interesting to test out...

Gotta start the festivities with some brown juice and oyster stout... An industry standard practice. The staff might want to brush up on their liquor inventory since they're so proud to say that they have been working in the industry for so long... Don't be a fool and tell me you have something when in fact you don't even carry it. But what do I know, y'all are long time industrial professionals. Just sayin', yo. But I got my black and brown, so, I'm good for now.

Duck Confit Gaufrettes, pickled onion cream, cherry mostarda, duck skin. The word confit always sounds so fancy and Fronch, but in reality... It's basically cooking meat in it's own body fat. This shredded duck confit looked so sad and dry... It must have cried all night and ran out of tears for moisture. The gaufrettes were thin and bit soggy... I mean shit, if you're really gonna give me four fucking chips, at least make them thicker like Chick-fil-A's waffle fries and make me feel like I'm getting my money's worth, even though, at the same time I know I have been had. I wouldn't even serve these hors d'oeuvres at a frat party... Maybe perhaps at a sorority and try my luck with one of the babes rushing... Hey, I still have 2 roofies left from college, they don't expire right? Don't hate.

King Trumpet and Oyster Mushrooms, sherry, balsamic, chili bread crumbs, egg yolk. This dish looked like a piece of art... Real Alinea type of shit. But once you start dissecting it and tasting it... Nothing really came together as a single composed dish. Don't get me wrong, the mushrooms were great but that's all you will take away from this dish... The accoutrements were just tasteless plate filler. Why the fuck would anyone spend $11 for a few slices of shrooms...

Sweet Potato, leek, apple, mustard greens in warm mushroom broth with pumpkin seed oil. Another very artsy fartsy contemporary style dish... Yeah, great, I saw how that first one came out. It's all a gamble from this point. There is barely any broth in there, serious, how difficult is it to make shroom broth... I understand that you don't want to cover up all the goodies underneath the dark broth but shit, bro, a lil mo' broth ain't gonna kill ya. But this hybrid soup/veggie/fruit bowl was not too shabby... It was tasted pretty good as an experiment. But it ain't good enough to get it again. It's cute, though, I'll give you that.

Cider Brined Pork Ribs, cabbage, white sauce. What a lovely piece of manmeat staring me right in da face. My facehole is getting wet... My facial orifice is getting all lubed up in anticipation of this hunky piece of meat... Do I, should I, take it in whole or shall I tease it and swallow it a little bit at a time... I'm a southern belle, so I'm dainty like, I will put this meat in my mouth like a lady... One morsel at a time. So, I start cutting this gently because it looked tender enough to cut with a fork but then the cutting became a sawing motion, then to a violent hacking movement. This shit was tougher and more leathery than Danny Trejo's face. Jesus, it even looks like him if you squint your eyes from afar. What a gorgeous piece of rib but what they did to it was a crime. They shoulda just pressure cooked it and then finish it off on the grill or in a salamander. I'm still having nightmares of this tough and chewy specimen... And it reminds of a Star Wars joke...

I love this joke! Now, only if this rib can fly the Millennium Falcon...

Seven Ounce Patty, bacon, Tillamook cheddar on chili cornmeal bread, "burger salad". I was going back and forth on this or the monkfish or the shrimps and cold noodles.... I saw the monkfish at another table and it was chunks on a plate, wtf, yo. I didn't see the shrimps and cold noods but for $12 I guarantee you that I can find this Asian inspired dish on Buford Hwy for $6 and it would be spectacular... So, I guess it's the burger then. This entire concoction was all gimmick... The cornmeal bread is like the southern counterpart of a ramen bun. The "burger salad" is prolly the dumbest idea on the entire menu because no server can explain what it was to any customer. It was basically a sloppy ratatouille. But let's just get to the good part... The burger. Asked for mid-rare like usual...

First try... Well done. Well, not well done as in a good job but way overcooked into a gray matter patty. I was over it, just left it on the side uneaten and waited for the server to take it away. She's like, is there something wrong with it... I'm like, I have seen hockey pucks with more blood on it. This was so overcooked, I woulda tossed it into the woods if I was at a backyard BBQ but I was stuck... In this narrow ass bench, that all I can do was push it off to the side. I was over it and I didn't really want to make a stink about it but the server was adamant about having the kitchen redo it because one of the line cooks was new. The server did done well there...

Second try... Spot on. Now, that's what I'm looking for... Blood oozing from the patty like a puck to Gretzy's face. I wouldn't eat Wayne's face between a cornmeal bun but I would eat the shit outta his daughter's meat flaps between her buns... That skank is hot as balls. What was I talking about before? Oh, yeah... The burger, I got off track there for a second. The burger was nice, seasoned well, juicy and tasted good... But I could forgo the gimmicky cornmeal bun, why waste your time making this silly thing. A really nice potato or a King's Hawaiian bun woulda done the trick. This dish was tasty but just stop with the gimmicks already.

I don't know if I like this place or not yet, it doesn't feel neighborhoody just yet... I like that another small business owner opened up shop in this corner location but they got some work to do still. I would tweak the menu a bit and dispense with the trendy food gimmicks, a neighhood joint is about getting solid food, solid execution and a good value, consistently. The booze station is acceptable for now, nothing really stood out for me on the cocktail menu or drinks. They got the right location, now, they just need to make that connection with the community. I won't be rushing back anytime soon but I wouldn't stop anybody from checking them out either.

701-5 Highland Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30312
http://castironatl.com/

Little Alley Steak

This joint was so fucking packed, it was a goddamn gold mine...Literally. Every suburban yenta in here was wearing so much bling hanging down to their knees that it made their saggy tit bags look perky. They're walking around all hunched over from the weight of the precious metal like knuckle dragging cave people... But don't worry, all the giant gaudy rings on their sausage fingers act like pig knuckle armor. This place is special, real special ed... It's far as fuck to get to in upstate Georgia but it's worth the price of admission just for the people watching. There's no lack of people with the impression of having big money in here... Telling each other how marvelous they look, even if they looked like they actually walked the 40 miles of bad road to get here. After all, it's better to look good than to feel good in this upstate version of Fernando's (Johnny's) Hideaway. Too bad some of the women look more like MFs (Mama Fratelli) instead of MILFs. The one hot chick behind me in the booth was prolly a hooker because there's no way she was with that obeast Clint Howard look alike... Plus, she was devouring that giant Tomahawk chop like it was her last meal before she is found dead in the trunk of a Reliant K.
The people watching extravaganza didn't end there, it had only just begun... So, I was at the bar getting my drink on with some Yamazaki 12 (they do have a very decent whiskey/brown juice list) when this beast with it's back next to me got up because she was in a heated discussion or something with her friend and I almost had a heart attack when it turned around... I was face to face with The Bride of Wildenstein... It was almost an all out catwomen fight (all pun intended), until her "husband" took her outside. I was almost mauled by a big cat in heat, how exciting!
I hope the food is half as marvelous as the baby mama drama in here... Ok, I have been here before and it was good but I end up drunk every time and my short term memory ain't getting any better... And I'm hoping to do it all over again on this revisit. Let's fucking gorge like a deadly sin already, so much talking... I'm ready to be a glutton for punishment.

American Kobe Beef Tartare. The world has always bet against "Kobe" beef tartare but the pouch never listens to the odds. Oh, it's some old school presentation like from the late 80's but the yolk in the egg shell is a bit too "over the top" bordering cheesy... It's almost as bad as Sly's arm wrestling flick. I have never been a fan of the mixing in the yolk because some fool made that shit up but this freak show was just too good not to... It's no "Kobe" but the gringo style burger mincemeat was not too shabby. The meat was quality and tasty but it needed a bit more seasoning... Perhaps the damn yolk dumbed it down a bit. The gaufrettes were a bit thin and they all stuck together in the fryer... Amateurs.

Roasted Bone Marrow. Look at that obscene spectacle... It's like two bros playing tummy sticks. And I'm gonna swallow their manly and juicy jizzlobbery. The marrow was a tad bit undercooked, so it had a slight gummy texture to it... Don't worry, it didn't stop me from licking it all up. Good size portion but they needed to toast/grill the bread a bit.

Lobster Mac. The server was very adamant about stating this was "off the menu" like it was some prototype dish that no one has every attempted before. It was a very sizeable portion of mac and pretty damn decent in taste but a few more bits of lobster ain't gonna fucking kill ya... Don't be so chintzy. We're paying up the ass for it after all.

Truffled Fries. Hey, it's truffle fwies... Pretty much standard issue filler... But good, though.

Mushroom Risotto. Another hefty portion, they don't skimp on the starchy sides. Very creamy, very mushy and very fatty... Fuck yeah, bro. But I need to say to myself- Just don't over do it on this, there is more to come, you fat fuck.

Creamed Corn. Jesus, if the American Heart Association made a surprise inspection, they would have a heart attack just by smelling the food in here. Not that they do resto inspections but if they did, there's a DIY CPR poster in the back... Next to the blocks of butter. The creamed corn was ultra creamy and y'all know that can't be fucking healthy. But fuck it, it's so tasty. YOLO, mofos!

Bone-In Ribeye, Tomahawk. 30 ounces of 60 day dry-aged hulking manmeat... Shit, that's along time to wait to stroke this beautiful long meaty flesh arrow but they say patience is a virtue... I don't know what the fuck that means but I have no moral standards when it comes to a piece of girthy manmeat so close to my facegash. You just want to ravage it at first sight... It's like a sexual dynamo. Most guys couldn't even handle it. I've been reading books on the outside just so I can keep up with this hunky beefcake! So, it was a tad bit uncooked- mid-rare minus (actually blue in the center)... So, did they fuck up? Fuck no, it was not a deal breaker at all. No apologies needed here. I rather it be undercooked then overcooked, especially, with this quality aged piece of meat from Linz. It was seasoned perfectly and the flavor and aroma from the sprigs of thyme, garlic cloves and of course, lots and lots of butter in the saute pan... You complete meat. It's an impressive display and it's even more impressive if you can finish it all. It's no ol' 96'er, but totally doable if you have the will and pouch space. Dunzo.

Progression of NY Strip, medium rare sous vide style, 4oz each wet-aged angus, prime, dry-aged angus. I needed to slow my roll after that Tomahawk... Make that fat roll, instead. Jesus, why am I so fat?! Don't answer that. I don't know if this plate was worth $57, but unless you're a hardcore meat connoisseur, you won't be able to tell the real difference between each piece. It's such a chick dish, just like the filet because they're cute and delicate... Real men eat ribeye, not anus... Wait, make that angus.

Bone Marrow Butter. There was an article that just came out in the NY Post that said butter is healthy for you... So, if a reputable rag like the NY Post says it's good for you then fuck it, send me 4 more orders, pweez. Squirt.

Brussels Sprouts and another round of table shit to get fatter. Jesus, it's like the Neverending Story... I'm gonna leave here looking like Falkor, that fatass fuckdragon.

Oh Lord... When will this feeding frenzy end... I should start doing Feeding or Gaining porn, some sicko would pay big bucks for my overeating fetish. Oink.

Pappy Van Winkle. As my friend calls it, Periwinkle... Yes, some fresh squeezed periwinkle to finish off a feast of meats. Excellent as expected and that's not because of the hype. Squirt.

Is it normal to get the meatsweats so soon after shoveling my fat face with so much redmeat and butter... There's no way it's down in my bowels just yet, basically the point of no return for the 2 finga diet.. Because I could lose some instant weight pronto. But a friend said that you can do it from the other end. I tried it but all I did was fart a little. He said you need to do it a few times like charging a water well pump... But he also said not to pump too much because it will put you to sleep. I pumped my tailpipe a few times but nothing happened. Did I just get punked? Pump pump... Fizzz.
But as for this upstate semi-upscale steak joint, it's successful because they do it right and charge a shitload of money for it (you can get out of hand real quick)... It gives people the illusion that it's the place for them to see and be seen. Let's face it, it's the Buckhead kids all grown up with more money and still playing the part with all the drama and superficial conversations... It's basically Tavern at Phipps, Johnny's Hideaway and Chops all in one joint but just in upstate Georgia. I would totally go back for the drama, food and whiskey. It's worth it every once in awhile to see how the country folk socialize and go into debt. 

955 Canton St.
Roswell, GA 30075
http://littlealleysteak.fhfoodtradinggroup.com/

Tea House Formosa

I haven't been to this shitty ass strip mall in decades... I don't think anyone has, either. But I think everyone's main question is- How the fuck is Yen Jing still in business? Who the fuck eats there? ...Wait, nevermind, the Yelptards are going full re re all up in that piece... And they are loving the same 4 dishes over and over again as recently as this year. Yeah, two-mother-thousand-fucking-sixteen. I don't know, maybe the pouch might have to make a revisit since a decade and half ago... It sucked back then, will it suck hard now? Who the fuck knows until then but let's get back to the real task at hand... There's a new Taiwanese-esque tea joint that opened next door and it looks fancy schmancy. Does Atlanta need another goddamn tea joint within this 1/4 mile stretch? Maybe if they got tasty vittles...
The space is modern and clean, didn't noticed the bathroom cleaner smell that so many people were bitching about... But what I did noticed was their retarded ultra inefficient ordering process. You stand in line (sometimes out the door) and order with the one cashier up front who was as slow as a three toed sloth. Stop that shit, this ain't a fucking Krystal fast food joint. Is it that hard to take orders at the tables? The decor/interior is nicer than Sweet Hut and Kung Fu Tea. It's basically a fucking sit down "resto" and they got a bunch of fobs working there just standing around most of the time pulling their puds. The menu has a ton of tea options and there are a decent selection of nibbles but not extensive, it shouldn't be I guess. Let's sample a few bites...

Tea Egg. Looks decent for $1.50... Which is ridiculous, but I'm a sucka for gimmicks. Looked like it sat in the tea/soy/spice juice for a decent length of time. But who knows, they coulda used a brown egg.

Tea Egg shelled... This is not very attractive on a woman's leg but on an egg, I want to eat every spider veins I see... All up in every nook and cranny. The dark spider veins looked good but overall it was rather light in color and flavor. Plus, the yolk had that layer of sulfur around it which didn't help make it taste better. Overall, I got tea bagged in my mouth big time... This was a subpar flavorless version, spend the $1.50 on something else.

Lu Rou Fan. Looks kinda fraudy... Save that $1.50 for something else, just work down the list. For $4, this was not as savory as it should be... It was weak, there should be a nice dark thickened savory and sweet soy sauce with the braised pork to mix into the rice. But the egg in this bowl looked and tasted a lot better than the tea egg. And what's with the Corean pickled daikon radish... I rather if they just threw in some Chinese greens and sliced cucumbers for the crunch factor. Save the $5.50 for something else down the line...

Pork Chop Bento Box. I see bento box and I'm like a chump... So, easily deceived by a box of prettily arranged food. Fucked again... Look at this box. It looks like a used hospital bed pan by the entire floor. And why the fuck is a bento box at a Taiwanese joint? Or has the bento box become so generic and commonplace nowadays like sooshee in gwailo supermarkets. Look at the fucking broccoli and the nub of fishcake in the corner like Baby. Fucking broccoli.

Expanded view of the cheesy miso soup and a nub of sachima that looks like rice crispies. Miso soup sucked, the sachima is always stale and chewy and the pork chop was like a mud flap you find on a kid's motorized Power Wheels... Flat, hard and chewy. It was totally flavorless as well... Except it did have a hint of sterilizing fluid on the finish. So, that's where they put the cleaning liquids...

Taro Fries. They looked nice, but without some type of dipping sauce... There were chalky and flavorless. You just kinda go through the motions and muscle memory of eating fries like a zombie and mindlessly keep shoveling chalk stick after chalk stick in you facehole. I shoulda got the damn cheekan nuggets but I saw them at another table and they looked like fried pigeon shit... Pass. I just can't fucking win here, can I?

Rice Burgers, fried chicken and pork belly. Finally, something that looks pretty enough to eat... But what a total fucking gimmick this shit show was. I told y'all that I was a chump didn't I? Such a fob... Of course, I had to get this.. Y'all should be glad that I didn't get the goddam Hello Kitty bento box. Yeah, they have that here... And I will throat punch any man in here eating that slop. But back to the rice burgers... Oh, look, they are sooo cute! Wait until they get a load of me... Wait, I am the load. God, why am I so fucking voluminous... 

Crispy chicken rice burger... Thin chicken patty but it was crispy, though. Not a lot of seasoning to it, so it kinda blended in with the rest of the bland rice puck. The rice buns were nice and golden brown but bits of the hard fried rice will get stuck in your teeth and you're spending more time tonguing your chompers than actually eating it. It was ok, nothing really special, it's the kinda thing you do once just to say you did it... But I wished I didn't.

Pork belly rice burger... A lovely thick dark soy sauce braised piece of belly. But it was 57% pure fat. I had to do some dissecting because pure fat is one thing I don't need more of. The belly meat itself was ok but a bit chewy. Eating this together was worse than doing jail time in some hick town with Rambo... But I bet you that fat sheriff would gobble this all down in two bites. This gimmick looks pretty and fun but that's about all it's good for, as a window display. Maybe I shoulda went with the Hello Kitty bento box... 

So, I'm sitting there staring at the barely half eaten food on the table and I'm staring out the window like a fucking pound puppy dreaming of freedom and adopted by a loving family to take me away from this hellhole. Ok, it wasn't that bad but it wasn't good, either... Well, the milk tea was pretty good and this place was definitely packed with ex-pats. Stick with the teas, skip the food... Just sneak in some snacks like at the theater, don't worry about those fucking lazy fobs working there, they won't notice or even care for that matter. I would bring in a bottle of whiskey, but that's just me.

Where's that Yen Jing menu, again...

5302 Buford Highway, Suite A3
Atlanta, GA 30340

Ice Plant Bar

The St. Augustine Distillery was on my list to try out their first batch of Florida Double Cast Bourbon since Prohibition. I did the tour and sampled all their spirits... Not bad at all. But after you get herded into the gift shop to buy overpriced liquor and trinkets.. At the end of the hall, the stairs lead to a bar. The Ice Plant Bar. I don't think they're part of the distillery but it's kinda cool that this old ice plant has been repurposed as a bad ass cocktail bar. Yeah yeah blah blah... Less talky, more drinky.

The innards of the St. Augustine Distillery like it says on the wall.

Double fisting cocks...  Old Fashioned and Gypsy Tumbler during happy cocktail hour. And many more after that...

Smoked Local Fish Dip, chips, pickled okra. Got have some grub to absorb the booze guzzling. Now, this is how a fish dip plate should look like... Not a scoop of dried out fish flakes with a bag of chips. An ostrich egg size of spreadable smoked salmon with a ton of house made chips and pickled okra, pickles, peppers, garlic. A nice plate of munchies while getting hammered.

The glory hole... The space ain't large but it can fit a decent amount of tipplers.

The place is cool and cozy even with the high ass ceilings and warehouse like space. They got a pretty good cocktail program here and the food menu is not bad either... It reminds me of mini Kimball House a little bit but without the sick ass oyster program.


110 Riberia St
St Augustine, FL 32084
http://iceplantbar.com/

Poor Hendrix Restaurant or Bar

It was a pretty decent crowd in this newly opened East Lake resto or bar... As they would like to call it. I can almost guarantee that no one here belongs to the Dollar Shave Club... But a couple of ladies in here might be. It was total goddamn hipster heaven, where bushy facial hair and body ink was a prerequisite for entry... Including the girls. And what's with the outdoorsy/lumberjack outfits... We all know they don't own an axe, let alone have ever used one because that means they have to kill trees. There's a bar side and a dining room side with the kitchen sandwiched between them. The bar is pretty long and can accommodate a good bit of yupsters... Yeah, that's what I'm calling them, part yuppy part hipster... Because we all know there are no true hipsters anymore... They have been reduced to a "gullible, target market who consumes cool, rather than creating it." But anyways, I'm curious about this local joint, the menu and the cocktailing abilities. I don't think they expected a crowd this large so early into their game and they were unprepared for all the gullible target market group that wanted to consume the cool new thing before it becomes trendy. Luckily, I'm not cool and being that I'm obeast, I will never be admitted into that club, ever. I'm just here for the food, really... Speaking of which, I need to medicate immediately to tune out the lumbersexuals ridiculous conversations about the environment, herbal teas, essential oils, vintage vinyls, Lululemon yoga pants and knitting shitty mittens and hats for the Georgia "winter". Jesus fuck, someone get me a drink right now or shoot me...

Old Fashioned. Fucking took long enough... I was drowning in a sea of yarn talk. This OF wasn't half bad for someone who just started today... Keep 'em coming, woman.

Negroni. I couldn't decide if I wanted a corpse reviver #2 or a negroni... Since, I haven't had a negroni in awhile, it was in order. It was alright, a little light on the O4W gin and Campari but drinkable.

So, I'm perusing the bar menu and ask for the dinner menu, bartender says the dinner menu is not offered at the bar... What? Come again? Squirt... What was that again? We don't allow the dinner menu at the bar. WTF, yo. That is the stupidest and most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Now, I get why they call it a "Restaurant or Bar"... You have to pick one or the other, you can't have it both ways here. Do you like to not make money? Is this a local business or a big corporate business that you can afford to lose ticket orders per the many seats at the bar? All I really wanted from the dinner menu was the Clams & Mussels in a bourbon-chili-bacon broth with fries... That's it, just one fucking thing. But they are adamant about not serving you the goods at the bar. Ok, I'll bite and just do the bar menu since it looked like there were a number of tasty morsels to be had...

Garlicky White Bean Dip with veggies. A nice portion of bean dip but the ratio of veggies to dip was kinda scarce. Unless you're digging up a huge load of dip on the tip of the carrots like a seasoned porn star, then you're gonna have a lot of dip left... Their advice, order bread on the side. Ah, so that's how they're making up the no dinner menu policy at the bar... Suckering you in to ordering scraps to finish off the dish that you expected to come completed in the first place. I ain't buying a car here, I want the dip app to come with enough dipping tools to finish the job. The dip was good but it was ultra light and fluffy.. I like it a bit more dense and toothy but not hummus like. The veggies were nice but you gotta give more of it with this dip.

Salmon Tartare with bag of chips. The salmon tartare was bland and tasted like it was extruded through a pasta machine. I guess the thinking here is that you're gonna put the salmon on the salty chips and that will season it when you eat it together. Yeah, no, that didn't work out as expected.

Sweet Potato Biscuits, sorghum butter, country ham. This looks like my 7 year old nephew made this in his Easy Bake oven... The ham looked like edible Shrinky Dinks. I'm so fucking tired of sorghum this and sorghum that but the butter was actually pretty tasty on the mini biscuits... And I mean mini. I have seen squirrel nuts bigger than these. The ham was chewy and salty but the tiny biscuits were pretty good lathered up with that butter.

Bacon, honey, peanuts on a stick. WTF are these? They look like the candy bars that have insects in them... Ooooo, I hope mine has a scorpion in it and the other a cricket. Too bad these two tiny half bites of roach bacon were awful... Dried out and the crushed peanuts did nothing except fall off them when you try to pick it up. The sweet sauce coating was too thin to hold the crushed nuts onto the bacon tic tacs. Skip these and wiped them from your brain.

Hot-Smoked Trout with buttermilk, pickled red onions, bread. It looked pretty decent until you assemble it and put it in your mouth... Nothing like dry on dry in your facehole. I need lube in that hole. The trout was flaky and smoked nicely but was it brined in buttermilk or a salt/sugar brine? Because there was no evidence of buttermilk anywhere. You put it on the barely fire kissed bread and you chew it and chew some more. Swallowing this bite was like a cartoon with that animated big gulp action and you see the adam's apple move... It really was like that, cartoonish. I'm not in love with this even though the trout was nice.

Chicken Wings, garlic parmesan. There's two choices- buffalo or garlic parm. I wanted to get buffalo because that's my thing, sorta like muscle memory... But I also know that buffalo wings on any menu in this one horse town pretty much sucks ass. It's never spicy enough.. So, I went with the garlic parm... And it was really tasty. It's coated very well and it's really finger licking good. They were pretty damn tasty... I would get them again but I might get suckered into the buffalo just because I'm like a cat... Curious. But y'all know what happens to the curious pussy... It hurls buffalo fur balls.

Bar Menu. It's interesting and reads well but execution and portion size are more misses than hits. But it's early yet... They got all the time to change things around until the money runs out. I like the place but I don't like how they won't serve you the dinner menu on the bar side and vice versa... That is not the ideal way to run a local joint. Accommodation is everything for a small biz starting out... Fuck, I really wanted to try that clam & mussels in a bourbon-chili-bacon broth with fries... Sounds so goddamn good. But with the bar menu's average execution, who knows how that bowl of bi-valves woulda been. I can understand not offering the bar menu on the dining room side but not offering the main menu on the bar side just doesn't make sense... A lot of people like to eat at the bar, it ain't taboo no more. Shit, I eat 95% of my meals at the bar... You just get better service because they feel bad for the pathetic losers alone at the bar. Plus, you don't look like a schmuck eating Han Solo in the dining room. But I usually bring a blow up doll of Greedo to keep me company... I like the conversations... Like who shot first.

I think the place will be a nice and successful addition to this hood, once they get their shit together and routine down, I think they will make the necessary changes that will make both bar and dining room patrons happy. If they take that fucking clams and mussels off the menu before I get a chance to try it (in the dining room, snooze), I'm gonna lose my shit.

2371 Hosea L Williams Dr SE
Atlanta, GA 30317
http://www.poorhendrix.com/home/