The NoMad

It's no doubt Eleven Madison Park is the shit after 14 years as a NYC destination. Daniel Humm made his name there and received 4 stars for his efforts from the NY Times, 3 stars from Michelin and recently listed as the top 10 resto in the world. You can't get any better than that in this city, hell, any culinary city in the world for that matter. So, NoMad which recently opened has been an instant hit with Daniel Humm at the helm. NYT gave it 3 stars and that is quite the accomplishment for a revamped resto in such a short time but with the guys from EMP behind it, it's really not so surprising after all. But this place is different than EMP, it's more relaxed but still yields all the elegance of a fine dining joint without the fluff. There's a maze of different dining rooms (even a rooftop dining with rez made the day of due to weather) and a super active bar room scene on weekends with no ugly or fat people as far as the eye can see...Or Yelpers, either. No freebies here, suckaz.

Let's take a peek...

Wait a minzie, this ain't Al Bundy's men's club... NoMa'am it sho' isn't!

Framed flowers all over. Just like in Girl with Dragon Tattoo... But no ass raping up in this piece unless you're Swedish with a mohawk and a tight ass.

SWEETBREADS. Croustillant with parsley.
Offal eggrolls... Cute and playful. Never would imagine they would do this but they were tasty enough. 

BEEF. Tartare with cornichons & horseradish.
Perfect sized toast for perfect tasting beef tartare. The color and texture was ultra fresh as expected. Yeah, it was that good.

ZUCCHINI BREAD.
Wha, what... Could use more zucchini to get more of the flavor but this bread rocks. And this is coming from a fatfuck who thinks table bread is just crappy filler.

STRAWBERRY. Gazpacho with duck proscuitto, black pepper & olive oil.
This pic does not do this justice. Hell, none of the pics I took does anything and everything I ate any justice, my ginormous pouch overshadowed what little light there was. But anyways, this gazpacho was excellent. You can actually taste every single ingredient like Willy Wonka's 3 course dinner gum.

BONE MARROW. Gratinee with parsley, shallots & anchovy.
Don't ask me to stand up because I got a boner when this beast was dropped off in front of my snout. Anchovy on top of perfect textured marrow... Who woulda thunk it? Shit, worked well... Better than tuna tartare on it. I woulda had a shit fit if there were fried eggs over it. I love fried eggs but not on bone marrow, but 2 fried eggs on an old hag's chest, that's another story.

FOIE GRAS. Torchon with tete de cochon, radishes & nasturtium.
One would think this would be the golden ticket of the snacks menu but it wasn't. Oh, it was well prepared and executed and tasty but in the mix with everything else this paled in comparison. Yeah, I know what I just fucking said. Me not humping the shit outta this dish is like me not licking my fingers clean after a box of Popeyes.

TAGLIATELLE. King crab, meyer lemon & black pepper.
Simple dish but the flavors were amazing. Handmade pasta and lumps of sweet crab. No, it ain't the same crab you'll find in a Cali roll at Ru San's.

EGG. Poached with asparagus, quinoa & parmesan.
Dude, eggs will be the next "It" item in NYC. Great dish, love the running yolk. My piss didn't even stink afterwards.

CHICKEN. Whole-roasted for two: Foie gras, black truffle, brioche.
Yeah, this pic sucks a big dick but they bring out the whole roasted chicken to your table before they hack it up. They stuff it's ass full of fresh herbs to dress it up a bit. But here's the kicker, that isn't the chicken you'll be eating... It's a demo chicken for show!

Succulent breasts. This roast chicken is pretty damn fly. It's tender, juicy and packed full of flavor... The foie gras and black truffles doesn't hurt either. The glazed lacquered skin was prolly my favorite part.

Fricassee of the dark meat with morels. When you had enough of plump breastses, you can eat this buttery concoction of the dark meat with shrooms and cream gravy. This would be great with some house made pasta.

SCALLOPS. Seared with sorrel, lemon & maitake mushrooms.
A semi light and refreshing dish. Perfect sear on the scallops but they were a bit cool in the middle. A bit weird on the internal temp but it was a minor issue when compared to the entire composition of this dish.

SUCKLING PIG. Confit with cherries, onions & wild greens.
Ahhh, the dish I was most excited about... The crispy piglet. This thing has been pressed to concentrate the flavors of the swine. I don't know how you can get more flavor out of a juicy piggy but they did it. The skin is super crispy followed by a pressed meat packed full flavor. Ridic.

LOBSTER. Minestrone with fava beans, lemon verbena & garganelli.
Lobster + pasta = lots of squirts. The garganelli picks up all the flavors of the "minestrone" with every bite and then finished off by the generous lump chunks of lobster. You can never go wrong with lobster. Just a very nice dish.

MILK & HONEY. Shortbread, brittle & ice cream.

ESPRESSO. Afforgato with vanilla ice cream, granita & espuma.

PEANUT BUTTER. Palette with milk chocolate and popcorn.

One of many bottles that was had at the table.

NoMad did not fail to deliver. NY Times' 3 Stars is about right but I'm gonna go one more on this one because everything was top notch... From the service to the execution and timing of each dish. This place is pretty awesome, prolly my favorite new resto in NYC of this year.

4 Stars.

1170 Broadway and 28th St.
New York, NY 10001
212-796-1500
http://www.thenomadhotel.com/#/dining

Hurricane Club

The Donald closed down Trader Vic's at the Plaza in '89 because it was "tacky". I don't know about you but sometimes we all need some really gaudy shit in our measly lives. Luckily, NYC still have a handful of Tiki Bar Polynesian-esque joints around such as the Painkiller, Lani Kai and Otto's Shrunken Head... And now the Hurricane Club. It looks real swank on the outside but once you step inside it's a throwback to the old school tiki lounge vibe aka tacky. The Vic is back! In spirit at least. The decor almost looks like it belongs in a theme park resto. The servers wear white dinner jackets which is really friggin cheesy in a Ricky Ricardo kinda way... But I like it. Hopefully, I'll like the food here, too.

WALNUT TIGER SHRIMP.
This thing is so fucking Americanized, if you did a side by side taste test with Panda Express... I swear you wouldn't know which is which. But I gotta admit... You have to slum it sometimes, makes you appreciate the finer things in life. The skrimpz were crunchy and not too heavily breaded, it's basically popcorn shrimp with sprinklings of shit on top.

FIERY PORK DUMPLINGS.
OK, these are special... They remind me of the fat retard kid that stands in the corner talking to the wall. They just don't know WTF they're doing there... Kinda like these things. Thick doughy skin, dried out pork inside and sticky sweet with little heat. You can't spell dumplings without DUMP. Splash. Shoulda got the steamed chicken shumai... Oh, well. 

TUNA TARTARE CONES.
Cute. But not all that great. They would be a hit for a MTV's Sweet 16 party here. Kids these days are dumb as fuck and entitled to shitty food. Here ya go...

EGGPLANT AVOCADO HUMMUS.
Interesting take... Actually pretty decent with the nice size taro chips for scooping.

HONEY-GLAZED BABY BACK RIBS.
Not a bad dish at all. Fall off da bone sweet meats and fried lotus chips.

SHANGHAI LOBSTER NOODLES.
This coulda been a good dish... If they added more discernible lobster meat, they were tiny bits on the bottom, and the noodles were a bit overcooked. Still an acceptable version with a good hint of spiciness.

CASHEW CHICKEN.
A fancy version of General Tso's cheekan with bits of cashews in it, along with enoki shrooms and water chestnuts. Chicken was crispy and well fried but at the end of the day it was just a glorified hole in the wall rendition of that classic Asian-Americanized slutty fried chicken.

BABY EGGPLANT W/ GREEN CURRY VEGETABLES.
The entire dish is just too green... One of Linda Blair's fav. But this "vegan" dish was actually quite tasty. Eggplant was soft without being mushy and the green curry had adequate spiciness. But where was the rice? Who eats curry by itself? The Hurricane Club, that's who... So, quit yer whining and open that snout and pour. Repeat.

CHOCOLATE KILL-DEVIL’S FOOD CAKE.
Chocolate bar with banana brulee... Whatever.

LYCHEE SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM.
Let's get one thing straight, it ain't soft serve.. more like an icee. But had very strong flavors of lychee, almost like they made it in house. Toasted shaved coconut chips were nice and gave it that contrasting texture. I liked it. Amazing, I know.

A "concept" or a "theme" like this place doesn't have to be fancy which I think they try to be a little... A Tiki lounge/Polynesian joint is low rent classy which is meant to be fun in a let your hair down, scratch your balls and sip cheesy drinks from a 2 foot long straws kinda way. This will do.

1.5 Stars.

360 Park Avenue South
New York, NY 10010(212) 951-7111
http://thehurricaneclub.com/

FORCELLA La Pizza di Napoli

I had Keste on my mind but then I remembered Forcella had the fried pizza... Bitch, you had me at fried, let alone pizza. So, I rolled over there after a dim sum feast earlier in the morning to, you know, get the gastric juices flowing...You can't eat 'Za on an empty pouch, everybody knows that, you silly Willy.

Ischia (citrus vinaigrette). Shrimp, avocado, arugula, heart of palm.
Shrimp on the side? Dang vegans done it again! No worries though... It's a salad. Who gives a shit. Tis was aight.

Lookie here... Sliced bread thingers. Fresh from the garbage. Pass.

Crocchetta. Potato and smoked mozzarella croquette.
From this angle, they look like a pair of deep fried bull balls but tasted like they came from a unicorn's sack. Everyone knows unicorn balls are gifts from the gods... And you don't question the gods, ever, you just eat their balls and like it. I love balls.

Parmigiana di Melanzane. Layered eggplant, tomato sauce, mozzarella, parmesan.
Eggplant lasagna. Fucking awesome. The end.

Ziti. Tomato sauce, parmesan.
Simple as fuck of a dish... Looks almost low rent. But let me tell ya, this shit was tasty. Amazing what a difference a dusty old dish can be when you use fresh and flavorful ingredients without a bunch of other crap in there.

Oh, lookie, another Acunto oven in NYC... whoopie. What's that make it? 897 in the city? It's as common as warts on a whore in alphabet city.

Margherita without cheese aka Marinara, with Zucchini. I didn't order this creasture. Friggin' vegans are killing me... It was kinda decent, though. Great dough/crust/sauce.

Montanara. The Original New York fried pizza Margherita.
Yeah, suckaz... Fried 'Za! Dude, the dough/crust is fried first and then finished over with the toppings in the Acunto. Sick and dericious.

Montanara Glamour Shot. No lazers in the background. Frying the dough first gives it this incredibly texture. It's not greasy at all because when they finish it off in the oven, the heat evaporates most of the moisture but the inside remains moist, kinda like a horny teenage girl. I love this unholy matrimony... Chick-fil-a can go fuck themselves in the ass if they don't like it. 

Is this the best Napoletana style 'Za in NYC? Fuck no, bro. But it is a good option if you're in the hood or in the mood for some tasty fried 'Za. They also have a fried calzone and fried tartufo pie, too. Those fuckers sound amazing as well... Next time. Oh, shit, I forgot to try their burrata, too. Put it on da list.

 2.5 Stars.

334 Bowery
New York, NY 10012
(212) 466-3300
http://www.forcellaeatery.com/

Luke's Lobster

Ed's Lobster Bar has been my favorite in NYC... Along with Pearl's, Mary's, Mermaid Inn's. Luke's was always that latchkey kid in tow. But it's been awhile since I last visited the original location, so who knows, maybe Luke grew up. Let's go say hello... I hope that douche, Lionel Richie, isn't in there because he isn't what I'm looking fo'.

I want me some lobsta rolls...

What to get, what to get... So many choices, so difficult. Maybe a sampler is the way to go...

TASTE OF MAINE - Half lobster roll, half crab roll, half shrimp roll w/ soda, chips & a pickle. 
It's a fucking wet dream come true... besides the one I had last night. Don't fucking hate, bro, I was FUBAR'd. Look at that bitch, it's got everything you want for $20! You can't even get a decent 3" lobster roll in ATL for under $21... And it comes with nothing. Fuck that noise.

Another look at the goods. Lobster was definitely the winner of the bunch. Dressed lightly and the meat was sweet. The shrimp were small and just ok, the top split bun made it better. The crab had a hefty amount of crabmeat but they were more stringy than lumpy. If it was lump meat, fuck me, that would be a whole different story. The Cape Cod kettle chips and the Ginger Brew is a must with any seafood roll. This shit hit da spot, yo.

Hello, my baybee! Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag time lobster fisherman... Don't trust a dancing Gorton's Fisherman. Because fishermen don't fucking dance.

Hipsters hard at work... Imagine that. Are they stroking themselves or making the dressing? I can't tell, I'ma skeered!

Luke's is still pretty good but Ed's Lobster Bar is still my favorite. The sampler thinger is a great deal not only in NYC but anywhere in the country. But next time I would just stick with the whole lobster roll. There's a bunch of locations to get your LR fix but I'm a bit partial to the original location... It has personality and charm in a space the size of my bathroom.

Pump pump burp.

2 Stars.

93 E 7th St # A
New York, NY
(212) 387-8487
http://www.lukeslobster.com/

JAPADOG

St. Marks Place is the melting pot of NYC all on one street. It has so much history dating back over 200 years. I don't know St. Mark personally but I hear he's very popular. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads — they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

This street hasn't changed much over the years except for some new shops that opened up here and there, some have lasted and others disappeared into night like the hookers of yesteryear. There's no doubt those creastures of the night ate a lot of wieners back in the day but in the present day there's a relative newcomer that is bringing wacky Japanese style hot weenies to this hood.

Let's go check it out and fill our mouths with some hot Asian tubesteak...

Where is this place? I can't find it... This sign ain't big enough. The people in Harlem can't see it.

WTF! Ice cream in fried hot dog buns? Fuck yeah, bro! Ok, they call it Age Ice. Whatever. Domo arigato, Mistor Fatboto.

I just ate 2 other lunches back to back already but I couldn't let my 1 reader down. Pouch don't fail me now... So, I ordered only 2 "dogs". I know, I know, I'm either getting old or retaining booze. Speaking of which, I'm kinda getting moist right now. Squirt.

OKONOMI. Kurobuta sausage topped with bonito flakes.
It's an interesting specimen. They don't skimp on the bonito flakes... Nor the bread. I mean there is more than enough bread to fit 2 dogs in there. The pork tube was pretty good but the bonito flakes just kinda gets in the way... But adding a little wasabi mayo helped a bit. Definitely a filling snack if you're in between meals.

BLACK SESAME AGE ICE. Black sesame ice cream, fried bun.
Leave it to the Japas to concoct fucked up weird eats... Ok, the Chinos may be weirder, eating brown noodles out of a bowl in the shape of a toilet. But anyways, this red-headed step child of a mess was actually decent. The fried bun coated with sugar is reminiscent of a zeppoli. The sesame ice cream didn't really look like the black balls on the wall... What a shame because I really wanted to lick some black balls to go with my wiener. The sesame ice cream was passable (didn't really have a strong sesame taste to it) and the bun woulda been great if it was a bit less thick. It's an interesting specimen but with a little tweaking this could be really good. 

This Vancouver based chain/franchise thinger is cute and trendy but if the food isn't a fit in this hood, these trendy little places with high rent ain't staying around long. I hope they stay for a bit because it's something different and the list of Japadogs they offer are actually decent quality... I'm kinda tired of the $1 slices at 2 Bros. Pizza... Yeah, I said it. But I'll recant if you buy me a few drinks and a plate of KFC at Mono+Mono.

1 Star.

30 Saint Marks Place
New York, NY 10003
(646) 476-2324
http://www.japadog.com/

Amen Street Fish and Raw bar

So, all the locals say this a must go joint when in town... Who am I to tell them to fuck off? Most fish shacks that I have been to recently were pretty disappointing. They pitch a great game but in the end it's usually just PR fluff to lure in the tourists that don't know any better. But that doesn't mean I won't take the bait here, swallow it and shit out the truth. Let's go fishing and see what we catch...

Love the space and layout, very open and have that old town but modern feel. Looks like a good place to grab a quick lunch...

FRIED GREEN TOMATOES pimento cheese, hot ‘n’ sour okra.
You gotta have FGT when you're in this town. And based on the other incredible heirloom tomatos I've tasted around town, I had to get me some. These were really nice... And with a large quenelle of pimento cheese which was nice if you like that sort of thing. It kinda reminded me of a cold leftover mac n cheese glob on a spoon. But the sour okra was a very nice contrast to the fried tomatos.

FISH TACOS napa slaw, cilantro vinaigrette, chili lime crêma.
I don't care for fish tacos much because most places fry their frozen pre-breaded fish sticks and pass it off as real fish tacos. I only prefer grilled fish because then you know it's semi fresh at least. These were fresh alright, Mahi Mahi grilled nicely and tasted great without the fishy smell and taste you find at most dumps. They didn't over do it with the filler either, it was easy enough to flick off what ruffage crap you didn't want on top. Tortillas toasted nicely and could even pass off as homemade ones... Wait, I think they were. It ain't the prettiest presentation but it was a tasty dish nonetheless.

SAMPLER shrimp, mussels, oysters, clams.
Samplers are a fun way to taste a bunch of different things but I hate it when the morsels are not balanced properly. We all know mussels are cheap and abundent, they aren't exactly the cream of the crop. 3 clams and 3 oysters vs. 6 mussels is just chintzy, and it was a total of 18 pieces even though the server said it contains 22-24 items. I see fuzzy math. The mussels were small and just ok, the clams were nice, the oysters were acceptable and the shrimp were plump and tasty. Next time I would stick with clams all the way.

Ask and ye shall receive... So, after hinting to the server that the sampler's best eats were the clams and that it didn't contain 22-24 pieces as he stated, he suprisingly delivered a few more clams as a way to make up for the MIA pieces. Nice job!
The food won't blow you away here (heard dinner menu is better, next time) but they are doing honest cooking with fresh ingredients and good service and sometimes that's all you need.

2.5 Stars.

205 East Bay Street
Charleston, SC 29401
(843) 853-8600
http://www.amenstreet.com/