Chom Chom Vietnamese Kitchen

I miss China Delight... It was one of the better dim sum joints in this one horse town, then all of the sudden they quietly closed down. That was years ago and the desolate location sat empty for a long long time. Then one day, construction started... They leveled the entire area and a shiny brand new development was built what seemed to be overnight. There's a few store fronts already opened in the complex (including some vegan joint) but the crown jewel was this restaurant space... It's spacious with high ceilings and wrap around windows which let's in a ton of light which makes the space seem even bigger. The last concept you would think to take this space is a Vietnamese joint because it is just too nice of a space. Not that Vietnamese cuisine can't be fancy... Le Fat on the west side is quite stylish, but they're not catering towards the ex-pats. Most Viet joints on Buford Hwy are no frills with little attention to decor but the grub is what you go there for because they are usually dericious, affordable and catered for the ex-pats. Lee's Bakery and Nam Phuong were great in the beginning but they have dumbed down their food so much these days because of the invasion of the millennials and hungover crackers. The last fancy-ish Viet joint on Buford Hwy that people loved was Chateau Saigon but they shut down back in mid-2017 for no apparent reason, they just taped a piece of paper to the door saying they were permanently closed, no more thank you, come again. I know some people will still say Nam Phuong's decor ain't no slouch, either, but who gives a shit, I don't go there anymore because the food tastes more like Tin Drum nowadays, so fucking pedestrian... Whities always appropriate our shit, this is why we can't have nice things.
Speaking of nice things...  Let's get back to Chom Chom. I kinda like the name, it's cute.. But cute names don't make the food good. The space is gorgeous, it's modern but has some traditional accents and nuances... Yeah yeah, Pouch, but you can't eat accents and nuances. Just get yo fat ass in there and consume mass quantities and report back to your one reader... Ok, ok, y'all don't have to cut my head off and use it as a urinal... Let's go take a first look, shall we?
Walked in, loving the visual appeal and vibe of the joint... Stood at the host stand waiting for someone to acknowledge me which ain't difficult because I'm such a fat fuck... It's like the Titanic hitting an iceberg, you can't miss me. Waited, waited, waited and waited some more. I went into the bathroom, took a shit, washed my paws, flossed and brushed my tooth, came out and waited some more. There were two motherfuckers working the space that had at least a 100 seats. I walked over to the kitchen door window and peeked in, there were 5 cooks in there running around like chickens with their heads cut off and the place was only maybe half full of customer. Oh boy, this may be the first Oriental resto on Buford Hwy I have ever seen to be in the weeds during their first weeks of opening. Who's behind this venture, Andrew Zimmern? Finally, the mama-san comes over and brings me to a table... In the back corner, out of sight from the other patrons, so no one throws up while eating. I fucking need a drink, STAT, then a chubby spazy chode comes over... He looked like an Asian Warren from Something About Mary. You better not ask me, "Have you seen my sepak takraw ball?" or else I'll tase you, bro. Thank goodness, the only thing he asked me was what I wanted to drink... Whiskey, brah, wait, make that two...

Banana and Neatly Old Fashioned. The banana OF was made with rum and the Neatly with regular old whiskey... Both tasted alright but definitely not worth ordering another... Plus, they asked me if I wanted the Neatly muddled and it didn't even come with an orange or peel. I would skip the cocktails because there is no real bartender, only mama-san was allowed to touch the liquor bottles and she was amateur at best. The podgy plebe was only allowed to handle beer cans... Bless his hefty heart.

Love the origami bird style sconces... The Cardinal needs some these beauties.

She's a real beaut, Clark...

Chien Cua Sua, tamarind soft shell crab, $7. Looked decent when it came out but it was all smoke and mirrors... The first bite tasted like all fried batter with splinters of soggy defrosted crab. The contrast of the crunch and the savory texture of the soft shell crab was non-existent. It literally tasted like nothing except fried dough... Should have came with some 10x powdered sugar and chicory coffee. But the tamarind sauce was pretty tasty... Still a skip it and spend the money on something else.

Canh Ga Chien, caramelized chicken wings, $8. Everyone is doing the fish sauce glazed wings these days and most of them can't pull it off if their life depended on it... And these wings just barely passed the test. They had a nice glaze and sheen on the skin, they were sweet, moist and tasty but barely a hint of fish sauce to give it that pungent umami flavor. The wings are fine but don't expect fireworks in your facehole.

Banh Mi Thit Nurong, grilled bbq pork, yucca fries, $6. This has got to be one of the most expensive banh mi on Buford Hwy... Why would you order it, what the fuck is wrong with you, Pouch? I had to do it for my one fan... But it also comes with yucca fries, ese! A whole 3 sticks of yucca fries. This is one of the saddest display of a banh mi I have ever seen... Sloppy construction, stale bread, no flavor, unpickled carrots-daikons, neutered jalapeno and the grilled bbq pork was mostly gristle and lacked any spices and color. You take a bite and you chew and chew and chew... The yucca was unseasoned and just added to the misery. Skip all the banh mi's at this joint...

Dau Que Xao Toi, saute garlic string beans, $10. Gorgeous vibrant color, nice snap, seasoned well and dericious... Just needed a bit more garlic. But it's a keeper.

Bun Dac Biet, shrimp, pork sausage, spring rolls, grilled pork, $11. A very generous hefty looking portion. The pork sausage looked like SPAM and it made me giddy. Mix all that shit up and dump a good amount of nuoc cham to coat everything... Like most places, the nuoc cham is never pungent enough, so, you gotta give it a few extra splashes of fish sauce. This bun bowl was fine, it was nothing special, but it may taste better in the summer.

Thit Ko To, caramelized pork belly, $16. Are you fucking kidding me? $16 for this little bowl of pork fat? Didn't anyone tell y'all that the pork belly hype is over, the price of pork belly ain't like what it used to be... It's back down to earth prices these days. It was salty as fuck and it was at least 70% fat, 20% meat and 10% insult. You will need to eat this with 5 bowls of rice to absorb all the sodium. A definite skip...

Bo Luc Lac, shaking beef, $16. This looked a lot better than the pork belly but it also looked like a plastic window display. The beef cubes may have been shaking in the kitchen, but they were sleeping when it finally got to table. It was barely warmed through which was kinda disappointing... But... But they tasted good. It was tender and the seasoning/sauce coated each piece evenly. It's a pretty by the book standard issue shaking beef... While it was tasty, it's not something that would bring me back here for it, again.

The initial service really sucked ass... You just can't ignore customers standing at the host stand for 15+ minzies while you go around the entire room refilling water. Having only two people working the entire front of the house doesn't help, either. You got to have enough staff to greet and seat people and then service them after they sit down... C'mon, it's restaurant 101. It was so much work for the customers to eat here from start to finish that they should be put on the payroll. I love the space and decor, but they need a lot work from service to execution and the whole atmosphere felt cold and lacked personality, and until that happens, I ain't rushing back anytime soon... Dumpy Quoc Huong may not be fancypants but it will always deliver my craving fix because they have always stayed true to the cuisine and my wallet will be a lot happier, too.

No nom nom at Chom Chom... For now.

2390 Chamblee Tucker Rd.
#101
Chamblee, GA 30341
www.chomchomatl.com

BK Impossible Whopper

I have never been a big fan of Burger King, but I always get suckered in on their gimmicky burgers like the A1 Steak Sauce Halloween Whopper with the black bun that turns your poo green, then the sequel with the Nightmare Whopper with the green bun that makes your poo black, next they came out with the hot sauce infused red bun version called the Angriest Whopper which made your poo magenta, they also had an Angry Whopper but that was just a Whopper with jalapeno which gave you diarrhea, and then the Ghost Whopper with a cheddar cheese sesame bun that just made you constipated... And they were just the ones available in the USA, don't even get me started with the crazy shit that's available in Japan... Those motherfuckers are deviants.
Now, they introduced a Whopper to trick meat eaters with a fake ass plant based burger patty which I initially had absolutely zero interest in... That was until some vegan mook filed a lawsuit againts BK claiming his life was ruined because his Impossible patty was "cooked" on the same broiler as the real burgers. He claimed that the real meat jumped on his plant patty while being "cooked", little did this granola mofo knew that his shit was reheated in a microwave and the grill marks were made from strips of eggplant skin.
So, now, the vegans are screaming bloody murder that they are being bamboozled by meat eating supremacists or whatever the new social justice flavor of the month is for them to profit on... Now, I'm intrigued by this stupid ass burger. Let's see what BK has to say about their new gimmick...
"Our Impossible WHOPPER features a savory flame-grilled patty made from plants topped with juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions on a soft sesame seed bun."
They really make it sound like a real burger doesn't it... Well, according to the manufacturer- the Impossible Burger ingredients list​​​: Water, Textured Wheat Protein, Coconut Oil, Potato Protein, Natural Flavors, 2% or less of: Leghemoglobin (soy), Yeast Extract, Salt, Soy Protein Isolate, Konjac Gum, Xanthan Gum, Thiamin (Vitamin B1), Zinc, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Vitamin B12.
Hmm, sounds so healthy and natural doesn't it... Let's take a look at the ingredient list for their regular burger patty- Hmm, that's strange, there's only one ingredient: Beef. Oh, the horror, the horror! I swear, are these fucking people for real? Why do vegans always push their agendas and lifestyles onto everybody while carnivores just don't give a damn what you eat. Let's see what all the fuss is about over this over manufactured and processed patty...

This fake meat sando ain't cheap... It was about $6 for the "burger" alone... How do you flame-grill something that is not meant to be cooked? Anyone remember when restos thought grilling romaine lettuce in their caesar salad were cool and ground breaking... Now, I feel like I should file a lawsuit for being hoodwinked and ask for 'one million dollars'... Or maybe I should ask for more, like 100.. Billion.. Dollars.

I must admit, this looked kinda impressive... The top bun is not totally crushed like all the other fast food burgers. It was quite plump and fluffy with no dents... But the plant based patty is another story. Let's take a closer look...

Hmmm... It looked like an old air hockey puck pulled out from a latrine at Music Midtown...

Let's take a peek under the hood... Ahh, so, that's where the "juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions" were hiding... This entire ensemble looked as appetizing as a pile of freshly gutted fish entrails... Oh, c'mon, it can't be that bad, Pouch...

Of course, we had to have a side glamour shot... To see if it was as beautiful on the inside and it was on the outside. Woof... I don't think an entire tube of K-Y can make those dried out meat flaps moist ever again. It's like choking the chicken with 100 grit. Jesus, look at how dry that shit is... It's like a piece of old leather. Trying to get it down was like swallowing a handful of sand. No wonder they call it the Impossible burger... Why did I accept this triple dog dare again? Oh, yeah, for my one reader... Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my measly life.

I don't understand how people are eating this shit up like there's no tomorrow... It is fucking disgusting and rank. The fake meatless patty is as dry as a 90 year old woman... It's like eating out your grandma and she farts in your face... But that's not the worst part of it, putting her diaper back on is... No ma'am! Just like I can't un-see your grandma naked, I can't un-eat this unpossible booger.
This is the worst gimmick burger BK has ever put out... But I will probably eat their next gimmick burger... For the children and my one fan.

Flush.

Pho Ga Tony Tony

So, the rumor has it that you will either vomit or shit your pants right after eating a bowl of their self proclaimed "Best chicken pho in history". They have also claimed that it is "so dericious that you'll cry"... Is that before or after you have destroyed the toilet? Or will it make you cry yourself to sleep? Wait, that's what I do on a nightly basis. Ok, calm down people, I'm just fucking with y'all sensitive triggered mofos. There was a lot of social media hype over this place a couple of months ago about them opening a location in "Atlanta" because their original location in NE Philly has been very popular with lines out the door on a consistent basis... But they failed to mention that the original location, Pho Ga Thanh Thanh, is in a very ethnic area with as many nail shops as they do noodle shops. The low rent space is also very tiny inside (hence the lines), but they do have a shower in the bathroom... I'm wondering if that is there to warsh up after you shit yourself. I don't doubt that their Philly location is good because of their clientele and demographics but will it translate just as well down in Atlanta? Let's go check it out...
I haven't been to the Hong Kong Supermarket mall on Jimmy Carter in a long long time... The market has gone to the darkside (I think City Farmers Market owns them now) and the old ass ethnic restos around there are just ok and since, Happy Valley's dim sum doesn't do it for me anymore there was no reason to really come up here... Until now. I'm guessing that they scored a great lease deal to bring something fresh into this raggedy ass mall... Something shiny and new to bring in the millennials. Pho Ga Tony Tony is very clean and modern with a country store vibe inside... Nothing visually says Vietnamese or any indication that it's a pho joint except for the words "Pho Ga". If I didn't know any better (which is the case most of the time), I would have thought this was some gimmicky Asian fusion chain resto in the same league as Tin Drum just opened by martial arts expert and celebrity, Tony Jaa. I heard they had some growing pains in the opening weeks with bad service, dirty utensils, bowls, plates and floors with people puking and shitting all over themselves... Maybe that's why it didn't garner the crazy hyped lines out the door like most new places do in Atlanta... Which sadly reminds me of my ex-lover, Lan Zhou Ramen, which is now a giant goat rodeo. Pho Ga barely got any attention on Yelp which reveals even more about the grub at this joint...
When you hear the word pho, people associate it with one thing, beef noodle soup... Especially, in this one horse town. No one is really interested in chicken pho unless the masses say so. This may be the perfect time for this fat fuck to make a visit... I hope it's worth the drive to this shanty mall, once again...

Cute round menus... Hope this shit delivers... No pun intended...

The menu looks like there are a lot of options but it's really just noodle, broth and chicken. The silly drinks don't count. There's 3 types of noodles- rice, egg and fat rice noodles. There's only one broth- their "world famous" chicken broth. I was really looking forward to the chicken over rice platter with a side of pho broth and ginger fish sauce but fuck you, Pouch, no cheekan wice for you! They originally had it on their official menu released to the media but somehow took it off quietly and no one even questioned them... Of course, this fat fuck questioned them about it. The server look at me as if I had four heads, no FOB, I have four stomachs like a cow... But this guy didn't even know what the fuck I was talking about... He was like "rice?". Yeah, motherfucker, rice, have you never heard of rice before? This guy was probably thinking he has been eating maggots all this time, he must be a big fan of The Lost Boys. This kinda bummed me out because I was totally craving chicken and rice. Oh well, this ain't the first time and it certainly won't be the last time I will be disappointed in my measly life. Let's just move on and order some vittles, shall we...

Their famous dipping sauce of citrus, salt, black pepper, habanero peppers and vinegar/fish sauce... It was pretty good but it was way too black peppery.

The standard issued accoutrements... Fresh and vibrant.

Assortment of chili sauces/pastes and black pepper... Seriously, more black pepper? I rather have white pepper instead. The 3 Crabs fish sauce was a plus... Best fish sauce on the market.

Quarter Chicken, $8. Eight bucks for a leg and thigh was kinda pricey but c'mon, Pouch, they did throw in a liver and part of a gizzard... But they don't give you any blood cake like the one in Philly. The chicken was pretty tender and tasty, but the leg was a bit tough and chewy. There was also a couple of hidden pieces of white meat under there. I can't tell if they steamed or poached the chicken that they served to the customers but either way, it tasted more or less the same. Dip it in the peppery citrus sauce and it does give it a nice flavor to the one note chicken. The only way to truly eat it is to throw it in the bowl and let it soak up the hot chicken broth.

Egg Noodle Pho, $5.95. First thing I noticed was that they forgot the thinly sliced onions like at their Philly location, but they didn't skimp on the green onions, tho. Before I take a sip of the broth, I wanted to try the egg noodle first... And it was spot on, toothy with a springy texture and bite. Now, for the broth... Slurp slurp... It's not bad but it didn't wow me, either. It had decent flavor but the generous amount of umami aka MSG kinda over powered the chicken essence. The more I drink the broth, the more I'm on the fence about it... And the more bloated I'm getting. I fucking love MSG but there is a point that the Pouch can't even take. And don't give me that shit about whities are allergic to MSG, you motherfuckers love Doritos which is basically all MSG... I've seen y'all destroy bags and bags of them at parties with zero side effects... That is until the crackers start to dance. The best part of this bowl of pho ga was the egg noodles and that isn't even really the right noodle for it.

Rice Noodle Pho, $5.95. They also offer a fat rice noodle for another dollar (which is a total rip) but the standard thin rice noodle is the way to go for any pho. Once again, they nailed the rice vermicelli, it was toothy with a nice bite as well and it wasn't all clumped together in a ball at the bottom of the bowl like you'll find at a lot of other pho joints because they portioned it all out beforehand and the noodles start to dry up and stick together. The rice noodles soaked up the flavor of the broth a lot better than the egg noodles. The broth was the same but after awhile you will start to think that it needed more ginger, cloves, star anise, coriander, onions, rock sugar, fish sauce... Maybe they were hoping the MSG could replace all of those spices. Well, let's doctor up the bowl with as much shit as possible...

The assembled product. This pic is of the egg noodles, both the egg and rice noodle bowls got the same exact treatment. Once, you put all that shit in there and let it sit for a couple minzies, the broth start to develop a different flavor and for the better. Believe it or not, I didn't even use any chili oil/paste/sauce in there because I didn't want to ruin the purity of the broth... Yeah yeah, sounds like bullshit to me, stop being such a little pussy, Pouch... But I did add some more fish sauce, just don't over do it or else the broth will taste like shit.

Was it worth the drive, Pouch? Was all the hype behind the "best chicken pho in history" make all your wildest dreams come true? Well, I didn't jizz in my pants but it wasn't a total disappointment, either. So, that's a good sign I guess... Their world famous pho ga broth did not make me cry but it might make me slap yo mama, though... Because a true mama-san would be using more herbs and spices in the delicate chicken broth. Even if the broth was as dericious as they claimed to be like in Philly, the only crying I would be doing is crying myself to sleep in my tiny studio apartment, alone once again. There's no fucking way you can (or want to) eat this more than once a week, the ultra high dosage of the umami additive is so powerful that it will make you bloated and thirsty... The good thing is that I didn't vomit nor shit my pants afterwards... But I did poo later that day, yay!

Splash.

5495 Jimmy Carter Blvd
Suite A2
Norcross, GA 30093
https://www.phogatonytony.com/

Pho King Decatur

Anyone remember Taziki's? How the fuck they lasted 2 years is anyone's guess... They basically blamed it on the limited parking, but we all know it was the food that kill them off in the end. They called it Mediterranean food but it tasted more like Monotonous slop. Everything was dull and repetitious... Lacking any and all flavor. I went there once and tried a few items separately... If you dumped everything in a giant mixing bowl and tossed it a few times, everything would still taste the same... Like 2 day old leftovers. They quietly disappeared into the night and the space sat empty for a year... Until now.
Asian restos have been expanding like crazy around hip intown areas... Decatur has seen some very decent slant restos pop up recently like D92 Korean BBQ and Hai Authentic Chinese nearby. Brush Izakaya is one of my top sushi joints in this one horse town. Speaking of sooshee... Sushi Avenue(s) has been in Decatur since WW2 but they don't count as Japanese cuisine because an ex-cashier from Patel Bros. is making your sushi... He may technically be considered an Asian but c'mon, Sanjay, the only brownie I want to see making my sooshee is Jose at Ru San's. There's also "Thai" at Siam but it's just slutty Chino in disguise. And there was ramen joint Makan which later identified as Taiyo which also closed up shop.
So, we got Korean, Chinese, Thainese and Publix sushi currently... What else are we missing here??? Ahhh, Vietnamese, duhhh... So, Pho King started in Upper Atlanta and then opened a second location in midtown and now, they took over the haunted space that once was Taziki's in Decatur. They opened in May, but I had zero interest to be one of the suckaz that needed to be one of the first to "discover" this joint... I have been to the original one in "Upper Atlanta" aka Buckhead many many moons ago and it was nothing to write home about. If I was stuck in the mountains of upstate GA, I would prolly be sucking their pho-king cocks... But I'm not stupid enough to go to the mountains for fun. I prefer my hiking on Rascals on the sidewalks. Since, I was in the woods of Decatur, I finally decided it was time to carry the Pouch over the threshold and pop my tapioca pearl... And see if this local chain has gotten better with age...

Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus, where the pho am I?  Did I just walked in on an emo-death metal band practicing for DragonCon? This was on a Saturday night during prime dinner time and it was dead as fuh... I think I figured out why. The entire joint consisted of 4 customers and these 3 Danpigs and their 1 groupie taking glamour shots of them shredding their guitars along with Thai basil into their bowls of pho... They were so pho-king loud and bad, that another couple got the fuh outta there STAT. I was about to follow them out like a stray dog in Ho Chi Minh City, but the servers were coming out with my grub at the same time... Fuh my life, just my luck... Oh, well, it can't be that bad, right.... Right? Famous last words... This may be the Pouch's last stand. Let's just get this over with and put me out to pasture...

Cha Gio, $3.95. These eggrolls looked like they just came out of the fryer but don't be fooled by first impressions... They were limp as an 80 year old man that just dropped his last Viagra in the trough at the Clermont Lounge's bathroom. The one on the left looked like it caught a scorching case of syphilis from Blondie. The nuoc cham looked and smelled like a chihuahua's piss that just ate asparagus... It was the same color as snake bile and barely a hint of fish sauce. The eggrolls were cold, soggy and stale tasting and who the fuh knows what the mystery filling was inside... They were so chewy, it was like gnawing on wet newspaper. Pass.

Papaya Salad, pork, $5.95. Did a yak shit on my plate in the back alley? Holy shit, look at that bucket of warm hamster vomit... I bet y'all that if I ate it and baby bird it back up, it would look exactly the same... But mine would have better plating skills. Get a good bite with everything on it and it tasted like chewing on leftover chopped liver that fell on a shower drain after giving a St. Bernard a bath. I haven't gagged like this since I first saw Lardass barf-o-rama in Stand By Me. Y'all ain't fooling anyone with the slice of tomato and sprig of Thai basil. The kitchen should have sent this straight to the toilet... Flush.

Banh Mi, BBQ pork, $4.75. I thought this was a Double Chalupa at first... Then I realized I wasn't in a fancy Taco Bell. There's more bread than filler in this sad ass banh mi. Look at that bread, it wasn't toasted, it wasn't spread with the seasoned mayo, the do chua barely pickled and unseasoned, the stringy wilted cilantro lacked that herby essence, and the BBQ pork was gristly and cloyingly sweet. You gotta be pho-kidding me with this banh mi, my ban... I have had better PB&J sandos.

Pho Dac Biet, combo, small, $9.95. Almost ten-pho-king-dollars for this small bowl of pho combo. It might look decent at first glance but it's just an illusion until you fully open your eyeballs. Look at the color of that broth... Took a sip... That ain't made from beef bones nor a hint of oxtail. It tasted more like from roadkill. You may wanna throw in another brick of bouillon from Nam Dae Mun... Or a dirty sock for more color and kick. The broth was so weak, it lacked all the spices even a very average pho broth has... Even Saigon Cafe laughs at this broth. You can add more fish sauce and sriracha to give it more depth and flavor but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. This so called "dac biet" did not consist of all the meat and offal parts... All you get is a few slices of eye round steak, flank, barely any fatty brisket, a couple of meatballs and no tendon or tripe... And the rice noodles were all clumped into a ball at the bottom of the bowl. This was the worst specimen of a dac biet I have ever eaten... 

Pho Bo Vien, meatballs, small, $9.50. This was basically the same as the dac biet except it came with one item... Meatballs only. I was hoping they wouldn't fuh up this complicated order... Unless they can't count. The meatballs were pretty good, obviously store bought, but the weak ass broth and clumpy rice noodles really ruined this simple bowl of pho. I'm pho-king done with this shit...

The Danpigs were playing at level 11 the entire time I was there... I tried to slit my wrists and my throat with chopsticks. Their mouth breathing shrieking was more than enough to crack glasses and put anyone out of their misery except themselves because they are too emotional to follow through with it. There was nothing worth coming back for, literally nothing... True, I didn't try the bun and co'm dishes but there is no passion here whatsoever, it would just be a waste of time, money and pouch space in the end. I would be surprise if they last a year in this space based on the crowd on a Saturday night... Hey at least they will save money on the validations for the customer parking. Taziki's is prolly laughing as we speak...

Flush.

319 W Ponce de Leon Ave
Decatur, GA 30030
www.phokingrestaurant.com

Popeyes Chicken Sandwich Redux

The Pouch has been on a fried chicken mission lately... How much fucking fwied cheekan can this disgusting fat bag eat everyday? The answer... Well, y'all know the answer to that... A chicken shit-load, that's how much. Fuck me, I gained so much weight in the last week... The Coneheads ain't got shit on me... This fat fuck coined the term, Consume Mass Quantities, motherfuckers.
So, everybody and their mothers have been killing each other to get their hands on the Popeyes Chicken Sando 2.0. Y'all have seen all the stories on a daily basis. The lines have been out the fucking doors and down the street at every location... And they aren't slowing down any time soon. What is it about the Popeyes chicken sando that is making these mooks go medieval on everybody's ass? Is it really that good that people have to kill for one or are they just doing it to post it on Instagram and other social media platforms just to get likes? I'm 99% sure it's the latter... Because I had the two different sandos when they first came out in August and they were good but not crave-worthy enough for the Pouch to wait on line for another. Popeyes swore it would be back like the Cyberdyne Systems T-800 in a couple of months... And they kept their promise... And so did the pedestrians like the good Pavlovian dogs that they are. Ring the fucking bell and watch the terminators come to feed. Ding ding... Time to eat, Pouch. Yes, my master...
Believe it or not, the Popeyes on Clairmont and Briarcliff was not that crowded on a recent week night... I shit you not, there was like 3 people in there but it still took like 20 minzies to get two friggin sandos. Not a big deal, but took that shit outta the joint, pronto, before any motherfucker tried to jack my fat ass.

Now, served in boxes! They probably ran out of the regular bags. Look at these two beauties... Talk about sweater puppies. I almost shoved my fat face between them two bronze breasteses and motorboat it. Let's take a closer look at the 2.0 sandos...

The Classic. You are one ugly muddafukka... Looked like some mook sat on it which made the box pretty useless after the fact. But no matter, it's gonna be chewed up and swallowed anyways. This was the regular cheekan sando with a creamy mayo-based sauce. The crust was thinner but maintained it's crispy crunch. The giant hunk of white meat itself was also better... Tasted like it was brined. It was juicy and had a lot of flavor in the white breast meat which are usually bland as fuck. This version 2.0 was better than the original. I guess they figured, let's make it even better on the second try... And they sure did. I'm ok with it, but I won't be waiting on line for another one any time soon.

The Spicy. This looked a lot better with a puffy top bun. The spicy Cajun sauce isn't that spicy but the batter is seasoned with a bit of cayenne to give it a little extra kick... The two elements come together to give a novice enough of a bite to tingle the tongue. I forgot to ask for the Cajun Sparkle, once again, like a dumb ass... That's because I was trying to get the fuck outta there, STAT. The spicy sando was better than the classic just because of the seasoning. The crispy crust was thinner so you're not eating a bunch of breading. The hunky white meat also tasted like it was brined as well. They did good on the spicy version... But I still think they need to put more pickles on there, they give you two slices but it really needs at least four slices.

I had four of these cheekan sandos, now, and the redux is definitely better tasting but they are still not crave-worthy enough for this fat slob to wait on line for another. The one unintended consequence of the ultra popular cheekan sando is that you will have to wait in line to get their dericious bone-in fried chicken as well... They really need two lines- one for the sando and the other for everything else. If you go to the drive-thru, well, you're just gonna be fucked then...

Joella's Hot Chicken

Hasn't Nashville Hot Chicken gone out of style already? Fuck no, if Ruby Tuesday has it on their menu as a headliner, then you know it's still very chic these days. Hot chicken has been trendy as fuck lately and it looks like it ain't stopping any time soon. Nashville's Hattie B's opened their first location in L5P in mid-2018 and every tourist from ITP and OTP has been flocking to their doors on a daily basis and they have been slammed ever since... They made so much goddamn money that they are opening an even bigger location that seats 200 sheep on the west side. I loved the original one in Nashville but the new shiny L5P has lost it's luster, the hot chicken is good but it's just not the same as in Nashville. Even Prince's hot chicken is a tourist trap now... Their hot chicken has been dumbed down so much these days that it tastes like pigeon from under the bridge.
So, does this one horse town really need another or more hot cheekan joints? Will the supply exceed the demand? Well, it really doesn't matter because people love to get on the band wagon no matter what the concept is... Just like the poke train. But that fake ass sooshee shit died off quietly into the night after a year or so. If there's money to be made, people will try to cash in on it... If you fry it, they will come... And they sure did with 3 locations in upstate GA (Woodstock, Kennesaw and Cobb). They should make a movie called Field of Thighs. I read mixed reviews about this hawt cheekan chain... But the Pouch needs to know first hand if it's shit or a hit. The first 2 locations are just too fucking far to drive only to risk being disappointed... So, I'm like if I really needed a hot chicken fix, I would deal with the shit show at Hattie B's, at least they're intown. But they recently opened a 3rd location closer into town on Cobb near Cumberland, ok, that's at least doable within half a day's ride and I wouldn't feel as bad if it sucked ass. Enough of flapping yer greasy lips, Pouch, we need more eating... Let's go sample a taste and see if it has the cojones to impress the Pouch with their hottest cheekan...

Quarter Dark, thigh & leg, creamy mac & cheese, and extra wing. Doesn't look too bad... Let's make a closer examination of the specimens...

Quarter dark, hot heat level, $7.50. I ordered the hottest level at first but then the memories of Hattie B's dry ass Shut The Cluck Up chicken came flooding into my tiny brain... I changed it to their hot level basically because I didn't want to get fucked again. The hot level aka Fiery Heat (hot but not scary) had a vibrant glossy red hue to it and it was coated evenly in all the nooks and crannies, it was quite impressive how consistent it was. I pulled the leg apart from the thigh and it was pretty juicy inside... No complaints yet! Took a bite of the leg and the crust had a nicely crackly crunch to it, the meat was moist and tender... Sounds too good to be true! But wait, there's more... The hot heat level was on par with a standard store bought hot sauce. It's not a hot chicken but a fried chicken tossed in Frank's hot sauce with honey. Was it worth the drive for this hot chicken? Nope, not at all for a $7.50 leg and thigh... You can get more fwied cheekan for the same price at Publix and pair it with your favorite hot sauce and save yourself time, gas and money at the same time. It's not a bad fried chicken but the mac & cheese was dry as fuck and starchy, it sticks to your teeth like low rent gummy bears. I heard all their sides mostly suck.

Wing, fire-in da-hole heat level (waiver-worthy), $2.50. I'm not shittin' ya, they literally made me sign a waiver for the fire-in da-hole heat level and I started to laugh and said to the girl, c'mon, it can't be that hot, you're a chain... Look at that dried out wing, I'm glad I switched the leg and thigh back to the hot. It would have definitely been a waste of money. Wasting $2.50 on a wing ain't that big of a deal if it sucked... Which it did. Ok, the cayenne coating on this thing was not as bad as the burnt and dried out STCU at Hattie B's but the wing itself was so dry and powdery. Every bite was basically like eating a spoonful of cayenne powder... I'll admit it did have a lot more kick than the hot level but it peaked after 3 minzies. It did give me a bead or two of sweat on my head but the coughing wasn't from the heat, it was from the cayenne powder. I shoulda just snort the wing, instead. Don't even waste your time with the fire-in da-hole heat level, it's almost inedible because it's just plain crap. But if y'all really want to, I ain't gonna stop ya because it ain't gonna be my money you're throwing away.

Classic Chicken Sammie, sweet vinegar slaw, $8.75. They claim it's a "Big Sammie" but it's the same size as the foam side dish with slaw. I know what y'all are saying, why the fuck did you get a chicken sammie, Pouch? C'mon, because the fried chicken sandwich mania is in full effect! But seriously, is this a joke? This ain't big by any means, ok, maybe for an ant. Stop joshing me, ese... Let's take a closer look at this Chiclet.

Sweet baby Jesus, is that Hamburglar? That motherfucker stole my Big Sammie... And left me a chicken finger. Just my luck, I get two goddamn end of the pickle slices. The bun wasn't buttered or toasted, just plain straight outta da bag. The chicken breast had a nice crunch to it but the meat itself was bland and a bit dry. I did not ask for any heat level on it because I wanted it unadulterated to compare it to the other popular cheekan sandos out there... But after a bite or two, I drowned that motherclukcer with as much hot sauce as it could absorb and threw on some slaw for that vinegary bite... But it still didn't make a difference. Their chicken sandwich pretty much sucks for the price of admission at almost $9, I could get two Popeyes sandos for that. Unreal. Skip it at all cost.

I'm gonna chalk this up to another "been there, done that, never again" category... The bone-in chicken is pretty much standard but it ain't no hot chicken... Not by a longshot. For the true hot chicken connoisseurs, this ain't the place for y'all... But the pedestrians with the palate of a billy goat will gobble this shit up. I'll take Hattie B's over this any day... And I'm being nice because they are intown. Imagine how brutal this review woulda been if I had to drive to fucking Woodstock for this slop... Let's not, instead... For da childrens.

2955 Cobb Pkwy
Ste 910
Atlanta, GA 30339
https://joellas.com/locations-georgia-atlanta-cumberland.php

World Famous Chic-A-Loe Chicken Sandwich

Y'all know that the Pouch will risk life and lips for any type of fwied cheekan... But ever since Popeyes fried chicken sandwich has made their second coming this past Sunday, to thumb their beaks at Chick-Fil-A, the Pouch wasn't gonna jump into another goat rodeo. I had my fill of douchebags at the recent shit show at Chomp & Stomp and I needed a break from all the asshats... Plus, I didn't want to get stabbed in the back waiting in line for a cheekan sando that I had twice already on the first coming. Yes, the hype is back for the Popeyes cheekan sando because these mothercluckers want to be first to post it on Instagram, again... Shit, the struggle is real, I was getting gas across the street from a Popeyes on the day after their re-release and it was 30+ cars deep blocking the road and causing a traffic jam. I'm like fuck that noise...
So, I had to find another chicken sando in a safer space to satisfy the gluttonous desires of the abyss that is the pouch. And my search brought me down to East Point... Ewww! East Point? Isn't that where hobos go to die... Like strippers at the Clermont Lounge? Let's face it, East Point is a shithole, but it will be 100 times safer than any Popeyes for the next 2 weeks... And my research and experience have found that most shitholes have an unusually high concentration of dericious fwied cheekan within a small area... Which brings me to this small strip mall off East Point Street to Chic-A-Loes, the home of the world famous Chic-A-Loe chicken sandwich... You heard that right, homies, Chic-A-Loe, not Chick-Fil-A. I haven't even step foot out of my car yet and I am already loving this hole in the wall dump. This joint has been around for years and yet I have never been here. Shit, I haven't been in proper East Point for years, I just drive right through it as quick as possible to and from the airport. C'mon, no one goes to East Point unless you have a gun to your head... It's just one of those areas that has nothing to offer but if you fry it, the Pouch will come... Let's not fuck around and get to it, already... Seriously, Pouch, don't fuck around in this area, you only have two mags on you, don't be a hero, bro...

They are proud of their prized item... They even made a sign and everything, it must be guud!

They have a handful of items from chicken sandos, wings, seafood, hotdogs, corndogs, burgers and the primary cooking technique is usually fried... I don't even want to see the color of the oil in the fryer... It's just a mother oil, Pouch, the flavor has depth to it, you big dummy! I wasn't interested in anything else on the menu, I was on a mission, from God... And it was all about their world famous chicken sandwich. They got a combo special for like $8 for a Chic-A-Loe, fries and a drink... SOLD!

Behold! The World Famous Chic*A*Loe sandwich in all it's glory! Look at the size of that fucking thing... That's what she said. The sight of this was like seeing the Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth chicken of the Lama. The flowing crust, the girth, golden in color... Striking.

I haven't seen a bronze breast the size of a foam container since the days of yore at the Cheetah. It was literally the size of the foam container... That hamburger bun looked like a dinner roll next to that gorgeous piece of crispy ass. I'm getting a massive blood flow, right now... Let's dress it up and put some lipstick on it before I poke a pinhole in it with my pecker...

Sweet baby Jesus, why am I trying to make it look like I'm trying to take it out on a date... I'm so lonely. I don't care, I'm gonna make out with this hot chick, maybe even French kiss it. Give me some crust, baby. Seriously, how do you even eat this thing? Took a bite of the titty that was hanging out and damn, it was tasty. The medium thick crust had a nice crunch to it and the white meat inside was tender, just a tad dry and could use a little bit more seasoning. Nothing a little hot sauce can't fix... But it is a very respectable fwied cheekan sando. It's just a handsome specimen to admire and consume. The quality to value ratio is spot on.

Enough of the blah blah blah, c'mon, Pouch, all we want to know is one thing- Is it better than Popeyes fried chicken sando?
Fuck me, I would say it was almost as good... Fuck, did I just say that out loud? Ok, Popeyes is one giant breast, breaded and fried, while Chic-A-Loe pounds it out flat like a schnitzel, breaded and fried. Both eats well but the visual presentation of the Chic-A-Loe is far more appealing and stunning to anyone eating it for the first time. But what about the toasted buttered bun and sauces on the Popeyes sando, don't they make a difference? They do, but they're more for conversation. All fried chicken need is hot sauce, don't be so fucking bougie... Says the Pouch. Wink wink.

Shit, now, I got a reason to go back down to that shithole... But it's still safer than a Popeyes for the next couple of weeks. That may be a first ever said, that East Point is now considered a safe space... And the fragile millennials all rejoiced, but they still won't go down there.

Squirt.

2879 E. Point St. #12
Atlanta, GA 30344

McRib Tradition Continues

It's that time of the year, again, for this fat fuck to continue the tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation of marsupial pouches... The elusive McRib... Which is not that unattainable anymore. I know what y'all are saying... Pouch, aren't you too fucking old to be eating this slop at your arthritic age with diminishing health and uncontrollable bouts of gout? Duh, that's a no brainer... That's why I only do da MaCrib once a year. I watch what I eat all the time, that's why I take pictures of everything that goes into my pouch... But the food at Mickey Dee's ain't very photogenic, it's like taking a pic of every turd I pinch into the toilet. No one wants to see that shit, literally... Maybe except for this disgusting slob. Anyone remember the Burger King Halloween Black Whopper? I really wanted to take a pic of the aftermath for posterity because the myth, lore, fable, saga of the green poo was no fairytale but totally true, instead... And future generations of marsupials need to know the legend and prowess of the Pouch.
Sadly, the MaCrib are not bred for it's skill in magic to turn biofuels rainbow colors, only a McLiger does and unfortunately, they aren't available in the U.S. So, let's not drag this annual shit-stained tradition out any longer than necessary.. So, we can forget about it as soon as possible until the next year. My bowel senses are tingling already... Especially, when danger is near on the IBS radar. 

2 for $5. They only come in a pair, now... Their new motto should be Making 'Murica Fat Again. But yet, strangely, I have no problem with this. I'm a sucka for anything that is BOGO because I have FOMO. They are getting more professional these days with these fancy printed boxes... I still remember when they were serving the elusive MaCrib in apple pie sleeves and breakfast foam containers during the prohibition era and available only at secret speakeasies... Now, they're served all over in McSpeakcheesies.

Holy shit (no pun intended)... The buns are not all crushed or have finger imprints, they look like window displays... Except for the brown shit stains on the side of the box. Is it me or does that look kinda appealing and appetizing... Only if you were on Day 18 on Naked and Afraid. Let's take a peek under da hood...

Oh, my... Real onions, Eddie? Nuthin' but da best, Claude! It's true, that's real raw onions and pickles in there... Perhaps the only two real things in this package. Let's take a closer look and examine the "rib"...

How much for one rib? Am I dreaming or is that a beautifully seared piece of exquisite foie gras? No, you fat chode, that is a puree of pork slime poured into a mold that resembles a rack a of ribs that may or may not reek havoc on the bowels within minutes of consumption... Mmmm, I'll have two, pweez. Seriously, the McRib is basically a rectangular sausage patty with a shitload of cloying sweet BBQ sauce for moisture, raw onions for the crunch and texture, pickles for that not pickled taste and a mold proof hoagie bun to absorb all that brown jizz.

The Pouch survived another year of the dirty brown flat Tootsie roll, only 20 more years to go or until my 3rd heart attack comes knocking on my door like Three's Company. After years of tracking down and eating the MaCrib annually, it ain't as exciting as it was back in 1984... The nostalgia and novelty factor may have finally taken it's toll on the Pouch, since, the MaCrib is basically available seasonally at every single McDonald's location nowadays... But that won't stop the Marsupial family tradition... Ever.

Squirt.

Splash.

Flush.

LanZhou Ramen Check Up

It's over, Johnny... It's over. Nothing is over!
Ok, John Jay may be over exaggerating a bit, but when it comes to LanZhou these days...  It's ruined, Pouch... It's fucking ruined! One of the Pouch's favorite Chino hand pulled noodle joints has been totally fucking gringo-fied. On a recent visit, the house was packed with about 90% gwailos and the ex-pats were walking out at the sight of a millennial flash mob... It was like a mini-Krog Street Market up in this piece. This place has become Lee's Bakery... No member of the tribe goes to Lee's anymore because the whities have assimilated the once great pho and banh mi shop to a watered down Pho King. If you do spot a slant inside they are most likely a jook-sing... A fugazi Asian. And it's a damn shame...
LanZhou didn't start out wanting to be a Gu's Dumplings or Gu's Kitchen but somehow the social media has deemed them a safe space now for the delicate western palates. LanZhou opened up this joint for the ex-pats while Gu's deliberately created a safe space and menu for the crackers. They peddle so much bullshit Chino cuisine to the masses and the sheep ate that shit up, rank and file. This is why we can't have nice things.
The line was out the door with bro-dudes and dudettes on a recent Friday night... I thought I walked into Food Terminal by mistake... Roundeyes fucking love that dump and they really think it's authentic... Bless their hearts. I was about to walk out, but that woulda mean I would be giving up incredible beat off material for my next check up review and I can't let my one reader down. I spied around the room and all I saw was forks and plates and plates of fried rice and lo mein like noods. I was getting nauseous by the sight of this orgy of interlopers ruining my favorite hond-pulled nood shop but fuck me, I can't leave now... I have to see for myself if the food has really been dumbed-down for the gwailos...

Sliced Beef and Oxtail Tripe in Chili Sauce. No one was ordering this dericious dish inside a packed house... The cold display case was full of these pre-made dishes. I always order this spicy little dish but I had to pick out the one with the most chili oil. The sliced beef and tripe (also had sliced tendon which I ain't complaining about) was tender as anticipated but the chili oil was a bit off, it wasn't as spicy as it used to be. Mixed it all up and let it sit for a bit but it didn't do much to improve the flavor of it. You will have to ask for extra chili oil... But this offal dish is still a dish best served cold like revenge.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. At least one thing hasn't change, the spelling on the menu... But this once great dish has. Look at this disturbing specimen... Some motherfucker in the back did an American Pie job on these poor bastards. Talk about lost in translation... Hey, asshole, it's pork buns, not pork them buns. I am still pissed that they would send these out looking like garbage but the crispy edges had an audible snap and crunch and the buns were steamy and juicy inside. Y'all are lucky that they still tasted good or else they would be nothing more than warm apple pie for Jim's solo date in the kitchen.

Beef Tendon Hand-Pulled Noodle Soup, knife sliced. It's still a hefty bowl of noods but the first thing I noticed was the broth... It looked weak, light and cloudy... Like they rushed it through. C'mon, mofos, don't fucking die on me, now! I'm wondering if they had no choice but to water the broth down just to satisfy the volume demand these days... Not that the roundeyes would even notice the difference. Took a sip... And just as I suspected. It's not terrible but it still ruined the entire bowl... Just like a really shitty tonkotsu broth ruins a ramen bowl even with quality filler in it. The knife sliced noodles did not have the signature wavy curls on the edges of the noodles, they were flat and straight edged like it was rolled out and cut with a pizza cutter. The noodles were still toothy and texturous, the tendon was tender, full of collagen and the portion generous. But the light bland broth failed to bring all the elements of a proper noodle bowl together, the soup is the soul of the bowl after all. I'm not looking forward for another bowl anytime soon with this dismal display.

Beef Stir-Fried Hond-Pulled Noodle, knife sliced. Would you look at that... Fucking broccoli. WTF is broccoli doing in my hand pulled noods? Did I order the L8 broccoli beef lunch special from Grand China... If so, where the fuck is my eggroll, fried wing and hot and sour soup? The knife sliced noodles were just like the noodle soup. Besides, the broccoli substitution, this stir fried noodle dish had the look and signature of previous orders in the past but the taste was unremarkable and quite forgettable after you pack up most of the leftovers. Out of sight, out of mind and soon to be out of pouch with a little 2 finga diet later. I don't know, maybe it was the feng shui on this visit, it felt unbalanced and sloppy... Or maybe it was just the appropriation vibe.

In the words of the late great, Yogi Berra, "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.". I don't know if I will be back anytime soon and I hate the thought of that... The food was not as good as it was before the foreign invasion but still has remnants of the original menu. It's not as precise and consistent as it once was, the execution is sloppy, not because they don't give a shit anymore but more likely from the increased demand and higher volume which increases the margin of errors. I'm happy that they have become successful and ultra popular with the masses which will keep them in business and stuffing their mattress with loads and loads of cash... Yes, they prefer cash vs. plastic *wink*wink. Which will be fueling their next noodle concept called Crossing Bridge Rice Noodle in Duluth with plans for another one in Kennesaw and maybe another LanZhou in the Atlanta area... There goes the neighborhood and the once beloved hand pulled and knife sliced noodles. They are well on their way to be the next Gu's with watered down flavors... Maybe they can open a location in the new politically incorrect Ph'east at the Battery with all the other posers. Even with all these glaring signs of them becoming just another slutty Chino joint, I am still not writing them off just yet... But it is ruined, for now.

5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340