It's that time of the year, again, for this fat fuck to continue the tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation of marsupial pouches... The elusive McRib... Which is not that unattainable anymore. I know what y'all are saying... Pouch, aren't you too fucking old to be eating this slop at your arthritic age with diminishing health and uncontrollable bouts of gout? Duh, that's a no brainer... That's why I only do da MaCrib once a year. I watch what I eat all the time, that's why I take pictures of everything that goes into my pouch... But the food at Mickey Dee's ain't very photogenic, it's like taking a pic of every turd I pinch into the toilet. No one wants to see that shit, literally... Maybe except for this disgusting slob. Anyone remember the Burger King Halloween Black Whopper? I really wanted to take a pic of the aftermath for posterity because the myth, lore, fable, saga of the green poo was no fairytale but totally true, instead... And future generations of marsupials need to know the legend and prowess of the Pouch.
Sadly, the MaCrib are not bred for it's skill in magic to turn biofuels rainbow colors, only a McLiger does and unfortunately, they aren't available in the U.S. So, let's not drag this annual shit-stained tradition out any longer than necessary.. So, we can forget about it as soon as possible until the next year. My bowel senses are tingling already... Especially, when danger is near on the IBS radar.
2 for $5. They only come in a pair, now... Their new motto should be Making 'Murica Fat Again. But yet, strangely, I have no problem with this. I'm a sucka for anything that is BOGO because I have FOMO. They are getting more professional these days with these fancy printed boxes... I still remember when they were serving the elusive MaCrib in apple pie sleeves and breakfast foam containers during the prohibition era and available only at secret speakeasies... Now, they're served all over in McSpeakcheesies.
Holy shit (no pun intended)... The buns are not all crushed or have finger imprints, they look like window displays... Except for the brown shit stains on the side of the box. Is it me or does that look kinda appealing and appetizing... Only if you were on Day 18 on Naked and Afraid. Let's take a peek under da hood...
Oh, my... Real onions, Eddie? Nuthin' but da best, Claude! It's true, that's real raw onions and pickles in there... Perhaps the only two real things in this package. Let's take a closer look and examine the "rib"...
How much for one rib? Am I dreaming or is that a beautifully seared piece of exquisite foie gras? No, you fat chode, that is a puree of pork slime poured into a mold that resembles a rack a of ribs that may or may not reek havoc on the bowels within minutes of consumption... Mmmm, I'll have two, pweez. Seriously, the McRib is basically a rectangular sausage patty with a shitload of cloying sweet BBQ sauce for moisture, raw onions for the crunch and texture, pickles for that not pickled taste and a mold proof hoagie bun to absorb all that brown jizz.
The Pouch survived another year of the dirty brown flat Tootsie roll, only 20 more years to go or until my 3rd heart attack comes knocking on my door like Three's Company. After years of tracking down and eating the MaCrib annually, it ain't as exciting as it was back in 1984... The nostalgia and novelty factor may have finally taken it's toll on the Pouch, since, the MaCrib is basically available seasonally at every single McDonald's location nowadays... But that won't stop the Marsupial family tradition... Ever.
Squirt.
Splash.
Flush.
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