LanZhou Ramen Check Up

It's over, Johnny... It's over. Nothing is over!
Ok, John Jay may be over exaggerating a bit, but when it comes to LanZhou these days...  It's ruined, Pouch... It's fucking ruined! One of the Pouch's favorite Chino hand pulled noodle joints has been totally fucking gringo-fied. On a recent visit, the house was packed with about 90% gwailos and the ex-pats were walking out at the sight of a millennial flash mob... It was like a mini-Krog Street Market up in this piece. This place has become Lee's Bakery... No member of the tribe goes to Lee's anymore because the whities have assimilated the once great pho and banh mi shop to a watered down Pho King. If you do spot a slant inside they are most likely a jook-sing... A fugazi Asian. And it's a damn shame...
LanZhou didn't start out wanting to be a Gu's Dumplings or Gu's Kitchen but somehow the social media has deemed them a safe space now for the delicate western palates. LanZhou opened up this joint for the ex-pats while Gu's deliberately created a safe space and menu for the crackers. They peddle so much bullshit Chino cuisine to the masses and the sheep ate that shit up, rank and file. This is why we can't have nice things.
The line was out the door with bro-dudes and dudettes on a recent Friday night... I thought I walked into Food Terminal by mistake... Roundeyes fucking love that dump and they really think it's authentic... Bless their hearts. I was about to walk out, but that woulda mean I would be giving up incredible beat off material for my next check up review and I can't let my one reader down. I spied around the room and all I saw was forks and plates and plates of fried rice and lo mein like noods. I was getting nauseous by the sight of this orgy of interlopers ruining my favorite hond-pulled nood shop but fuck me, I can't leave now... I have to see for myself if the food has really been dumbed-down for the gwailos...

Sliced Beef and Oxtail Tripe in Chili Sauce. No one was ordering this dericious dish inside a packed house... The cold display case was full of these pre-made dishes. I always order this spicy little dish but I had to pick out the one with the most chili oil. The sliced beef and tripe (also had sliced tendon which I ain't complaining about) was tender as anticipated but the chili oil was a bit off, it wasn't as spicy as it used to be. Mixed it all up and let it sit for a bit but it didn't do much to improve the flavor of it. You will have to ask for extra chili oil... But this offal dish is still a dish best served cold like revenge.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. At least one thing hasn't change, the spelling on the menu... But this once great dish has. Look at this disturbing specimen... Some motherfucker in the back did an American Pie job on these poor bastards. Talk about lost in translation... Hey, asshole, it's pork buns, not pork them buns. I am still pissed that they would send these out looking like garbage but the crispy edges had an audible snap and crunch and the buns were steamy and juicy inside. Y'all are lucky that they still tasted good or else they would be nothing more than warm apple pie for Jim's solo date in the kitchen.

Beef Tendon Hand-Pulled Noodle Soup, knife sliced. It's still a hefty bowl of noods but the first thing I noticed was the broth... It looked weak, light and cloudy... Like they rushed it through. C'mon, mofos, don't fucking die on me, now! I'm wondering if they had no choice but to water the broth down just to satisfy the volume demand these days... Not that the roundeyes would even notice the difference. Took a sip... And just as I suspected. It's not terrible but it still ruined the entire bowl... Just like a really shitty tonkotsu broth ruins a ramen bowl even with quality filler in it. The knife sliced noodles did not have the signature wavy curls on the edges of the noodles, they were flat and straight edged like it was rolled out and cut with a pizza cutter. The noodles were still toothy and texturous, the tendon was tender, full of collagen and the portion generous. But the light bland broth failed to bring all the elements of a proper noodle bowl together, the soup is the soul of the bowl after all. I'm not looking forward for another bowl anytime soon with this dismal display.

Beef Stir-Fried Hond-Pulled Noodle, knife sliced. Would you look at that... Fucking broccoli. WTF is broccoli doing in my hand pulled noods? Did I order the L8 broccoli beef lunch special from Grand China... If so, where the fuck is my eggroll, fried wing and hot and sour soup? The knife sliced noodles were just like the noodle soup. Besides, the broccoli substitution, this stir fried noodle dish had the look and signature of previous orders in the past but the taste was unremarkable and quite forgettable after you pack up most of the leftovers. Out of sight, out of mind and soon to be out of pouch with a little 2 finga diet later. I don't know, maybe it was the feng shui on this visit, it felt unbalanced and sloppy... Or maybe it was just the appropriation vibe.

In the words of the late great, Yogi Berra, "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.". I don't know if I will be back anytime soon and I hate the thought of that... The food was not as good as it was before the foreign invasion but still has remnants of the original menu. It's not as precise and consistent as it once was, the execution is sloppy, not because they don't give a shit anymore but more likely from the increased demand and higher volume which increases the margin of errors. I'm happy that they have become successful and ultra popular with the masses which will keep them in business and stuffing their mattress with loads and loads of cash... Yes, they prefer cash vs. plastic *wink*wink. Which will be fueling their next noodle concept called Crossing Bridge Rice Noodle in Duluth with plans for another one in Kennesaw and maybe another LanZhou in the Atlanta area... There goes the neighborhood and the once beloved hand pulled and knife sliced noodles. They are well on their way to be the next Gu's with watered down flavors... Maybe they can open a location in the new politically incorrect Ph'east at the Battery with all the other posers. Even with all these glaring signs of them becoming just another slutty Chino joint, I am still not writing them off just yet... But it is ruined, for now.

5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340