Anyone remember Taziki's? How the fuck they lasted 2 years is anyone's guess... They basically blamed it on the limited parking, but we all know it was the food that kill them off in the end. They called it Mediterranean food but it tasted more like Monotonous slop. Everything was dull and repetitious... Lacking any and all flavor. I went there once and tried a few items separately... If you dumped everything in a giant mixing bowl and tossed it a few times, everything would still taste the same... Like 2 day old leftovers. They quietly disappeared into the night and the space sat empty for a year... Until now.
Asian restos have been expanding like crazy around hip intown areas... Decatur has seen some very decent slant restos pop up recently like D92 Korean BBQ and Hai Authentic Chinese nearby. Brush Izakaya is one of my top sushi joints in this one horse town. Speaking of sooshee... Sushi Avenue(s) has been in Decatur since WW2 but they don't count as Japanese cuisine because an ex-cashier from Patel Bros. is making your sushi... He may technically be considered an Asian but c'mon, Sanjay, the only brownie I want to see making my sooshee is Jose at Ru San's. There's also "Thai" at Siam but it's just slutty Chino in disguise. And there was ramen joint Makan which later identified as Taiyo which also closed up shop.
So, we got Korean, Chinese, Thainese and Publix sushi currently... What else are we missing here??? Ahhh, Vietnamese, duhhh... So, Pho King started in Upper Atlanta and then opened a second location in midtown and now, they took over the haunted space that once was Taziki's in Decatur. They opened in May, but I had zero interest to be one of the suckaz that needed to be one of the first to "discover" this joint... I have been to the original one in "Upper Atlanta" aka Buckhead many many moons ago and it was nothing to write home about. If I was stuck in the mountains of upstate GA, I would prolly be sucking their pho-king cocks... But I'm not stupid enough to go to the mountains for fun. I prefer my hiking on Rascals on the sidewalks. Since, I was in the woods of Decatur, I finally decided it was time to carry the Pouch over the threshold and pop my tapioca pearl... And see if this local chain has gotten better with age...
Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus, where the pho am I? Did I just walked in on an emo-death metal band practicing for DragonCon? This was on a Saturday night during prime dinner time and it was dead as fuh... I think I figured out why. The entire joint consisted of 4 customers and these 3 Danpigs and their 1 groupie taking glamour shots of them shredding their guitars along with Thai basil into their bowls of pho... They were so pho-king loud and bad, that another couple got the fuh outta there STAT. I was about to follow them out like a stray dog in Ho Chi Minh City, but the servers were coming out with my grub at the same time... Fuh my life, just my luck... Oh, well, it can't be that bad, right.... Right? Famous last words... This may be the Pouch's last stand. Let's just get this over with and put me out to pasture...
Cha Gio, $3.95. These eggrolls looked like they just came out of the fryer but don't be fooled by first impressions... They were limp as an 80 year old man that just dropped his last Viagra in the trough at the Clermont Lounge's bathroom. The one on the left looked like it caught a scorching case of syphilis from Blondie. The nuoc cham looked and smelled like a chihuahua's piss that just ate asparagus... It was the same color as snake bile and barely a hint of fish sauce. The eggrolls were cold, soggy and stale tasting and who the fuh knows what the mystery filling was inside... They were so chewy, it was like gnawing on wet newspaper. Pass.
Papaya Salad, pork, $5.95. Did a yak shit on my plate in the back alley? Holy shit, look at that bucket of warm hamster vomit... I bet y'all that if I ate it and baby bird it back up, it would look exactly the same... But mine would have better plating skills. Get a good bite with everything on it and it tasted like chewing on leftover chopped liver that fell on a shower drain after giving a St. Bernard a bath. I haven't gagged like this since I first saw Lardass barf-o-rama in Stand By Me. Y'all ain't fooling anyone with the slice of tomato and sprig of Thai basil. The kitchen should have sent this straight to the toilet... Flush.
Banh Mi, BBQ pork, $4.75. I thought this was a Double Chalupa at first... Then I realized I wasn't in a fancy Taco Bell. There's more bread than filler in this sad ass banh mi. Look at that bread, it wasn't toasted, it wasn't spread with the seasoned mayo, the do chua barely pickled and unseasoned, the stringy wilted cilantro lacked that herby essence, and the BBQ pork was gristly and cloyingly sweet. You gotta be pho-kidding me with this banh mi, my ban... I have had better PB&J sandos.
Pho Dac Biet, combo, small, $9.95. Almost ten-pho-king-dollars for this small bowl of pho combo. It might look decent at first glance but it's just an illusion until you fully open your eyeballs. Look at the color of that broth... Took a sip... That ain't made from beef bones nor a hint of oxtail. It tasted more like from roadkill. You may wanna throw in another brick of bouillon from Nam Dae Mun... Or a dirty sock for more color and kick. The broth was so weak, it lacked all the spices even a very average pho broth has... Even Saigon Cafe laughs at this broth. You can add more fish sauce and sriracha to give it more depth and flavor but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. This so called "dac biet" did not consist of all the meat and offal parts... All you get is a few slices of eye round steak, flank, barely any fatty brisket, a couple of meatballs and no tendon or tripe... And the rice noodles were all clumped into a ball at the bottom of the bowl. This was the worst specimen of a dac biet I have ever eaten...
Pho Bo Vien, meatballs, small, $9.50. This was basically the same as the dac biet except it came with one item... Meatballs only. I was hoping they wouldn't fuh up this complicated order... Unless they can't count. The meatballs were pretty good, obviously store bought, but the weak ass broth and clumpy rice noodles really ruined this simple bowl of pho. I'm pho-king done with this shit...
The Danpigs were playing at level 11 the entire time I was there... I tried to slit my wrists and my throat with chopsticks. Their mouth breathing shrieking was more than enough to crack glasses and put anyone out of their misery except themselves because they are too emotional to follow through with it. There was nothing worth coming back for, literally nothing... True, I didn't try the bun and co'm dishes but there is no passion here whatsoever, it would just be a waste of time, money and pouch space in the end. I would be surprise if they last a year in this space based on the crowd on a Saturday night... Hey at least they will save money on the validations for the customer parking. Taziki's is prolly laughing as we speak...
Flush.
319 W Ponce de Leon Ave
Decatur, GA 30030
www.phokingrestaurant.com
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