BK Impossible Whopper

I have never been a big fan of Burger King, but I always get suckered in on their gimmicky burgers like the A1 Steak Sauce Halloween Whopper with the black bun that turns your poo green, then the sequel with the Nightmare Whopper with the green bun that makes your poo black, next they came out with the hot sauce infused red bun version called the Angriest Whopper which made your poo magenta, they also had an Angry Whopper but that was just a Whopper with jalapeno which gave you diarrhea, and then the Ghost Whopper with a cheddar cheese sesame bun that just made you constipated... And they were just the ones available in the USA, don't even get me started with the crazy shit that's available in Japan... Those motherfuckers are deviants.
Now, they introduced a Whopper to trick meat eaters with a fake ass plant based burger patty which I initially had absolutely zero interest in... That was until some vegan mook filed a lawsuit againts BK claiming his life was ruined because his Impossible patty was "cooked" on the same broiler as the real burgers. He claimed that the real meat jumped on his plant patty while being "cooked", little did this granola mofo knew that his shit was reheated in a microwave and the grill marks were made from strips of eggplant skin.
So, now, the vegans are screaming bloody murder that they are being bamboozled by meat eating supremacists or whatever the new social justice flavor of the month is for them to profit on... Now, I'm intrigued by this stupid ass burger. Let's see what BK has to say about their new gimmick...
"Our Impossible WHOPPER features a savory flame-grilled patty made from plants topped with juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions on a soft sesame seed bun."
They really make it sound like a real burger doesn't it... Well, according to the manufacturer- the Impossible Burger ingredients list​​​: Water, Textured Wheat Protein, Coconut Oil, Potato Protein, Natural Flavors, 2% or less of: Leghemoglobin (soy), Yeast Extract, Salt, Soy Protein Isolate, Konjac Gum, Xanthan Gum, Thiamin (Vitamin B1), Zinc, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Vitamin B12.
Hmm, sounds so healthy and natural doesn't it... Let's take a look at the ingredient list for their regular burger patty- Hmm, that's strange, there's only one ingredient: Beef. Oh, the horror, the horror! I swear, are these fucking people for real? Why do vegans always push their agendas and lifestyles onto everybody while carnivores just don't give a damn what you eat. Let's see what all the fuss is about over this over manufactured and processed patty...

This fake meat sando ain't cheap... It was about $6 for the "burger" alone... How do you flame-grill something that is not meant to be cooked? Anyone remember when restos thought grilling romaine lettuce in their caesar salad were cool and ground breaking... Now, I feel like I should file a lawsuit for being hoodwinked and ask for 'one million dollars'... Or maybe I should ask for more, like 100.. Billion.. Dollars.

I must admit, this looked kinda impressive... The top bun is not totally crushed like all the other fast food burgers. It was quite plump and fluffy with no dents... But the plant based patty is another story. Let's take a closer look...

Hmmm... It looked like an old air hockey puck pulled out from a latrine at Music Midtown...

Let's take a peek under the hood... Ahh, so, that's where the "juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions" were hiding... This entire ensemble looked as appetizing as a pile of freshly gutted fish entrails... Oh, c'mon, it can't be that bad, Pouch...

Of course, we had to have a side glamour shot... To see if it was as beautiful on the inside and it was on the outside. Woof... I don't think an entire tube of K-Y can make those dried out meat flaps moist ever again. It's like choking the chicken with 100 grit. Jesus, look at how dry that shit is... It's like a piece of old leather. Trying to get it down was like swallowing a handful of sand. No wonder they call it the Impossible burger... Why did I accept this triple dog dare again? Oh, yeah, for my one reader... Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my measly life.

I don't understand how people are eating this shit up like there's no tomorrow... It is fucking disgusting and rank. The fake meatless patty is as dry as a 90 year old woman... It's like eating out your grandma and she farts in your face... But that's not the worst part of it, putting her diaper back on is... No ma'am! Just like I can't un-see your grandma naked, I can't un-eat this unpossible booger.
This is the worst gimmick burger BK has ever put out... But I will probably eat their next gimmick burger... For the children and my one fan.

Flush.