The Halal Guys

This is why we can't have nice things. There's hype and there's ultra hype... This place wins the award for ultra retarded hypery. I grew up with the Halal Guys carts in NYC... I had it every now and then but it was nothing that special. It was a cheap decent quick bite when you're on the go like everyone is in NYC. Street food like this always seems to taste better from the carts when it's fucking freezing out... Those damn carts always smelled so good in cold weather and the steam trail was like a lamp in the middle of the night luring you into it's grasp. I have never been to one of their storefronts in the city because it kinda defeated their purpose as a street food. Plus, over the years, they seemed more like a touristy thing to do than actually for a NYer's regular diet. By the looks of their website, they have been pretty fucking busy franchising the shit outta this food cart idea and trying to conquer the world with their brick and mortar stores. Locations are popping up everywhere around the globe and when the word got out that they were taking over the old El Norteno/pawn shop space, I was kinda excited... Now, I can get a lil piece of NYC history on what better place than right on Buford Hwy.
Then the media hype machine went into overdrive... Shilling the shit outta this place. And of course, the sheeple of Atlanta fell for it all... Hook, line and stinker. Yes, I said stinker because there was funk surrounding the aura around this joint. When a place needs to shill the fuck outta their grand opening day, there is usually something they are not telling us. But that didn't stop the herd from gathering in mass for the slaughter like it was some political identity statement... Wait, they're not giving away stinky pink pussy here are they? Nope, but they were giving away free shaved meat flaps for the first 50 people to line up outside to make it look like it's a happening joint. Fuck that waiting in line shit, I'll pay for my own dry pieces of meat flaps, mucho gracias... I wonder if those gullible mooks also got a free pink knit hat for standing in line on opening day.
So, I was gonna wait for awhile before coming here (at least until the hype/crowd died down) but I couldn't resist making a quick drive by, went early right when they opened, since I'm on Buford Hwy so much anyways. Well, the doors weren't even opened yet and not surprisingly there was a line out the door, already. The shit I do for my one reader...  Luckily, the line moved pretty fast. But not fast enough for me to check out and study their operation and processes first.
The first thing I noticed was the two autodoners and what was rotating inside them. The prefabbed processed meat cones looked like a giant meat eraser... As if they poured pink slime into a cone mold and chilled solid like a giant SPAM. It looked so unappetizing as the guy was carving the meat cone on to a dust pan and then mixed in with the giant pile of other carvings in a hotel pan from who knows when sitting on a flat top to finish off the cooking process since the autodoners were taking too long which that's how it should work. All the semi crispy slices he just carved off the cone have just became null and void. Then I looked over to the right flat top grill and there was Mount Fowlsuvius... A ginormous mound of cooked chicken bits piled 2 feet high. I can understand they want to cook a shitload of crap ahead of time because of the long line but for fuck sake, has this place just become a commercial burrito joint? There were so many other ridiculous shit going on in here but I don't have the time to write it all down because my fucking appendages are hurting already from finger banging this keyboard out of frustration. Let's just get to the juicy bits already...

Beef Gyro. At first, I really didn't want to look at the "beef" carvings up close... But at least all the crap in the pita was kinda hidden and camouflaged from the liberal squirts of white sauce... That makes me smile because that's how I like to play hide and seek with the broads I bring to cheap motels, too! The gyro was nothing special, without the white sauce this thing would be a total snoozer. Nothing tasted like it was seasoned and the beef tasted like a rehydrated Slim Jim. It was a mess to eat and it got on my nerves after a few bites that the work involved with eating it wasn't well rewarded. This specimen wasn't a total loss, the pita bread tasted factory fresh and the white sauce was acceptable. I would prolly never get this again unless they get at least 6 autodoners and real lamb cones, not that shitty pink slime beef erasers. There are so many other places that deliver a better quality gyro. If I served this in NYC without telling that person where it came from, they would kick this gnarly meat flapwich over the railing right into the East River... Resting at the bottom with all the other dead hookers that will never be found.

Combo Chicken/Gyro Platter. Fuck me, this look like a sad ass container of dried out meat flaps. I have seen more appetizing plates at a soup kitchen. The naked shards of beef gyro meat sans white sauce looked like a 3 toothed chihuahua gnawed on it for 3 hours and then regurgitated it back up for her newborn pups. I mean, look at it... How fucking unappetizing does that look? The very average and barely seasoned chicken underneath the sea of white sauce would make a washed up porn star blush... Talk about used up old meat, it was piled high in the corner, that line cook had a strong pimp hand. Underneath all that raccoon and possum meat, there was a layer of cold orange rice, lettuce and a spoonful of tomato dices... How fucking pedestrian is that... But wait, there's more! They asked me if I wanted any toppings. So, I'm like, ooooooh, thinking about the extensive selection of toppings like at Willy's that I can overfill my burrito for that extra added value... But I was bamboozled big time, they had 4, yes, four toppings and they were green pepper, olives, onions and jalapenos. The olives were pretty good, though. I don't know why they would offer two sizes for a $1 difference- either small or regular for the platters. They didn't look any different to me. This combo platter was a total disappointment... It was almost like a cruel poop joke that you would light on fire and throw at your neighbor's door during Halloween. I have no desire to order this ever again.

Baba Ghanouhj, Falafel. Maybe it's just me... But... Does that look like throw up and poop nuggets from a Pomeranian to anyone? From my view, it's uncanny similar. But guess what? The lady baba gaga was actually pretty tasty, slap a slutty one piece on that gash and it could do a half time show. It had a nice smoky flavor to it but it had more of a watery oatmeal consistency than what a proper baba ganoush should be. I like it with more bite and texture instead of pure mush. The falafel were obviously factory pressed in a mold, frozen, shipped, delivered and deep fried extra dark... They looked like big Rolo's but tasted like sawdust, dried out and totally unseasoned, not even a hint of one spice. Well, that's four for four... A total fail on this initial visit.

I can understand the outrageous opening hype with a well known NYC street food icon but the food at this new and shiny location was so below average that I would rather eat dirty water dogs before I would make another visit. If you want good middle eastern/mediterranean grub just go to the proven Mediterranean Bakery... That is the real deal. Shit, even Mediterranean Grill or Ameer's will do... And light years better than this dump. Their NYC street carts may still have what it takes to keep their name alive... But the franchises are just a marketing tool, all style, no substance. Let's see how long these lines will last when everyone has had a taste of this slop... I give them 6 months before it's empty inside, ok, maybe a few tourists from outta town, perhaps from NYC, will pay this faux gyro gimmick a visit just for the shits and giggles factor. And possibly a couple of curious fat drunk Mexicans on their way home from a night of salsa dancing at La Rumba... Ayayayayayaya, Salam Alaikum!

Later suckaz...

4929 Buford Hwy NE Suite#A
Chamblee, GA 30341
http://thehalalguys.com/