Himalayan Spice

I have not been in this dump in many many moons... The last visit here was an epic fail. The Nepalese grub was god awful... The worst momo I have ever tasted. It was like eating a dried up castrated monkey ball sack filled with slimy maggots... They kept asking me, "What, you don't like rice? Tell me pouch, how could 29 million Nepalese people be wrong? How are those maggots? Maggots, pouch. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?" ...And with that last bite, I have sworn this place off for years until now... I got bamboozled into coming here by a friend who knows nothing about Nepalese and Indian cuisine except that he was here once and they had some ridiculous drink specials that night... And those little words just pushed my button. Shit, anything with cheap booze pushes my buttons. So, I dragged ass back to this place and it was dead as dead, a couple of mooks at the back table looking suspect almost made me go out to my car and grab my back up heat just in case a .45 cal wasn't enough and some homely looking tourists at another table pretending to be adventurous eating ethnic cuisine on Clairmont and Briarcliff... Yeah, people will believe that story, Kathmandoofus.
So, even before looking at the menu again... I asked the server if there were any drink specials. She was like there's the cocktail list... And it was the worst fucking cocktail list of nasty ass spring break concoctions I have ever seen, they were straight from the 80's with drink specials from the Double Deuce. I asked her if she knew how to make an Old Fashioned... No, was the answer. How about a simple Manhattan? No, again. This Laurel and Hardy shit went on for at least 6 different cocktails... I then tried a different tactic, how much would it be if I switched out one booze for another on the "list" and she said, "same price"... I just fucking fell in love with this dump all over again. Well, just for the booze... So, she walked me over to the bar and I basically told her how to make an Old Fashioned with some top shelf party liquor for the same low price. Then I spotted a bot of Macallan 12... How much for that? That's right, "Same motherfucking price."...Now, we're cooking with fire! Since, we got the important biznaz outta da way, let's get down and dirty on this filthy ass grubbery... The pouch is going all in on Indian tonight, bitches... But first, some party liquors are in order.

Samosa. These fat little fried turds were pretty much standard issue in taste and seasoning, the green and tamarind chutneys were not too shabby to dip your nuggets in. These things are as pedestrian as eggrolls in a Chino joint... But somehow you just gotta got them for some fucked up unconscious level shit.

Chicken 65. The skimpy portion looked like every server ate a piece of it on the way out to the table. They looked decent but they were a bit dried out and the spice/flavor factor could go up a few notches. They were just ok, even the lemon didn't help add much overall.

Himalayan Spice Special Biryani. Look at that fucking presentation... It's almost as bad as the bowl cut I had as a little satchel when I came out of mama pouch. Seriously, what kitchen with a restaurant license plates rice as if it were a bowl of Jell-O. I hope there's fucking booze in there. But actually, this house special biryani of cheekan, lamb and veggies was pretty darn tasty. It was pretty flavorful and the rice was cooked spot on. It may look like Lloyd Christmas' head on a plate, but shit, it tasted like Kashmir heaven in my facehole. I would have gobbled down that entire plate if I didn't order anything else.... C'mon, like the pouch would ever not order anything else.

Palak Paneer. The classic spinach mush with cheese cubes that doesn't need much explanation. The cheese cubes were toothy and held together and spinach mush was creamy enough to forego the Polident. You can gum away all night long on this dish.

Chicken Saag. Another mushy dish for the geriatric crowd... Ok, I kid, I kid... Those old farts couldn't eat this without their Super Poligrip because there's cheekan bits in there. Some were kinda tough to chew and others were tender... Go figure. I know y'all know why there's hard and soft cheekan in there but I'm just gonna leave it at that. Mix this shit up with some of that house biryani and it's a decent meal. Or spoon it over the naan and make your own custom Injun slice.

Bullet Naan. Doesn't that look dangerous and deadly to any and all oral and anal orifices... There is gonna be some black matter in the cleft between the buttocks being extruded tonight... Like a pasta machine on overtime at an Olive Garden. Shit, who am I kidding, OG ain't extruded anything since the last world war except hemorrhoids. This bullet naan was covered with red pepper flake which was kinda low rent like a franchised 'ZA joint... I was kinda expecting more of a fresh chili pepper topping, either green or red. The naan was pretty fresh and hot. Tear and pull-ability was pretty decent as with the chew. And yes, it was kinda spicy but not spicy enough to tear and pull your brown eye apart. This was borderline acceptable in taste.

Garlic Basil Naan. Doesn't look too basily, does it? That's because they fucking used some cracked out dried up basil sprinkles... Hate to break it to ya but dried spices doesn't exactly give you that aroma you expect from fresh basil leaves. I have never seen Dom DeMarco sprinkle dried basil on any of his finished Di Fara's pies fresh from the oven... He would prolly cut ya if ya did. So, don't do that shit here, brotel. Besides the low rent dried spices, this naan was pretty fresh and hot like the bullet naan. I would skip this one if there's a next time... But for now, you can just drown this shit in the palak paneer or cheekan saag.

Garlic Cilantro Naan. Ah, look, there's real green herbs on there... This was prolly the best out of the three naan breads. Simple, fresh, garlicky and green... Came out nice and hot just like the others.

Macallan 12. I had to take a picture of this because 1. it was like a 2.5 oz pour or more, and B. this shit was $7.95. I love how clueless, errr, I mean generous they are to their paying guests... Another round, pweez! Shit, just give me the rest of the bottle for $10, ok? I'll tip ya $5 on top. Sold!

Kheer, rice pudding. I don't even know why people even order dessert at places like this... You know they're not known for desserts. Well, real desserts anyways. C'mon, who really want to eat a bowl of sugary cold oatmeal at the end of a meal... Jesus, I rather drink a glass of mango lassi, instead. That fucking mango lassi.

I gotta admit, this visit was a total surprise and totally acceptable... If you stick with the Indian grub and booze. The Nepalese slop here is still giving me nightmares. Is the food worth making the trip here? Only if you're in the area, this is not a destination resto on any level... But if you just want to booze, I would drive from the west side all the way fuck over here for some cheap ass top shelf party liquors. 

2773 Clairmont Rd
Atlanta, GA 30329
http://www.himalayanspiceatlanta.com/

Smoke + Duck Sauce

I was always curious about this new Asian BBQ joint that opened in the Cobb area but there was no fucking way anyone would drive up to bumblefuck upstate Atlanta for unsubstantiated Asian Que (Yelp doesn't count, when did they ever?)... Unless it was Heirloom. So, I distracted the pouch's attention to the newly revived Best BBQ dim sum for a couple weeks and if that didn't work... I would over medicated the pouch with a generous application of Popeyes before they go dark under the new Burger King's regime... Well, we're all hoping for the best with Popeyes or else it will be a sad day in the pouch history books. But we didn't have to wait too long for this joint to quietly open up a second location in the newly renovated Suburban Plaza... And I think I'm OK with this here, for now. But let's not get ahead of the marsupial pouch just yet... There's much work to do before any belly rubbing and gas passing can be had. Let's take a quick peek at what this joint is all about.
The inside is pretty straight forward, order at the counter, grab a number, wait for them to bring the food out to your table with a self serve beverage station... One funny thing I noticed was that they had a bunch of slutty duck sauce packets next to the bev machine, isn't it kinda insulting to ply your customers with fake packets of duck sauce when half the name of your joint is Duck Sauce and you brag about the housemade duck sauce? Hmmm... But the decor inside is a bit hard and cold, not a very comfy place to eat in, it's not as awful as a prison cell but it needs a little softening up, a little pussification is in order. And I wished you could smell a bit more of the smoke in the place to get your nasal juices flowing... After all, the other half of this place is called Smoke. I'm sure the health code called for a monster ventilation system in here for the "BBQ". Y'all know what, we don't even know if it's real BBQ or not, right? Just because they say it's BBQ doesn't mean it's the real deal, we all know Ruby Tuesday's baby back ribs isn't real BBQ, just like Fat Matt's slop. Now, I'm kinda making meself a bit skeered... Oh, stop being a fucking pink pussy, pouch... Just dew it! Would you like to wear a pink knit hat while you eat just in case your balls get chilly and get sucked up into the abyss like a baby turtle? Jesus, take that bone-in manmeat in your facehole like a man! 

Smoked chicken wings with teriyaki bbq. The menu says 6 wings but only 3 shows up... Say, is this some type of Common Core math question? I'm guessing they're accounting that each wing has a drum and a flat... Shit, if I'm using that methodology, I would say it's 9 wings... With that count, it includes that retarded hairy wing end nub, because science! I don't know, $6 for 3 relatively smallish wings isn't exactly tickling my freshly manscaped sack. I asked for teriyaki bbq but they gave me the spicy hot pepper sauce, instead... But they were quick to remedy that. The wings were pretty smokey and they flash fried it after smoking it to give it that extra crunch. It's not a bad wing, it's been smoked pretty decently with pink spots in the flesh but it was kinda dry overall even after drowning them in all the sauces. Wings are such a great scam... You can charge whatever the fuck you want and suckaz like the pouch will get it at least once. There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Atlanta, probably in Tennessee... That says, feed me gruel once, shame on... shame on you. Feed me gruel, you can't get grueled again. Or something like that, hillbillies are so full of wisdom, grace, toothless... Striking. I would skip these and put the money towards something else.

Smoked brisket platter with house pickles, fried rice, toasted bread with house duck sauce and spicy hot pepper. Hmmm, it looks kinda generic. I don't like how you only get to pick one meat, they should really do a single, double or combination option. Samplers are the way to go but I didn't ask about paying up on another meat on the platter because I didn't want to fuck up and jinx their routine in the kitchen. Brisket would be my first choice anyways. The meat portion looked decent... Heavy bark, moist, some visual pink ring and smokey. The toasted bread was a dinner roll straight from the bag... I guess you can make a fried rice brisket slider with it. The fried rice is your standard hole in the wall Chino slop. The 1.5 slices of house pickles were pretty lame. Back to the brisket, I flipped over the piece with the dark bark and half of it was gelatinous fat. I love how the kitchen tries to trick you by impressing you with the bark and hope that you will forget about the giant lobe of fat on the other side. The pieces that were edible were not bad at all, tender, moist, smokey, savory. Mix it in with the slutty rice and it's the perfect hangover grub. The tamarind duck sauce was sweet as expect but with a hint of heat from the chili flakes. The spicy hot pepper sauce was less potent than the Sriracha on the table. Overall, it wasn't a total mess but it ain't gonna blow you away, either. It's elevated pedestrian fast casual.

Smoked brisket lima beans and grilled corn chili seasoning. The platter comes with 2 sides and they're pretty boring... The lima beans and corn sounded the best even though I wanted the mac n cheez first until I saw it on another table, not that it looked bad but I didn't want more carbs and fat. This will be the closes that the pouch will get to be a vegan. The brisket lima beans was pretty good, a bit water but the flavor was all there, tighten up the juice a bit and it would be really good. The half of a corn cobb was ok, nothing spectacular, just some chili seasoning sprinkled on one small spot... Jesus, how chintzy can you be, not that chili seasoning is so expensive. 

Asian pulled duroc rib sandwich served with pickled cucumber, carrots + radish, asian slaw, sriracha mayo on toasted bread. First off, that untoasted bread was soaked with so much butter and grease that you could deep fry it under a heat lamp. Grabbing on to that bread made me feel like I was getting my fingers printed at the downtown precinct. The only crime here was how bland this rib sando was with all that shit in there... How was that possible? Let's dissect it some more... the the pickled veggies had barely any hint of vinegar, the asian slaw was oily, and the sriracha mayo disintegrated in there like a blast from Boba Fett's BlasTech EE-3 rifle. The pulled duroc rib shreds were kinda dried up and lacked any obvious flavor. It looked good on the plate but not only did it fall apart trying to eat it, it also fell short on flavor, texture and craveability. Perhaps the Country Market version with a different protein would fare much better.

I didn't love this initial visit... But it wasn't a total write off, either. There were some decent bites but not enough to justify another visit so soon. Let them work out what they need to work out and I'll be back for another try some day. Definitely will try the rack of ribs next time. But for the time being, if y'all need to satisfy your curiousity like the pouch, then by all means go ahead and do it... It ain't gonna hurt my feelings but don't say I didn't warn ya, my loyal one reader.

2633 N Decatur Rd, Decatur, GA 30033
http://www.smokeandducksauce.com/

Fork in the Road Revisit

This dumpy joint is like finding a needle in a haystack... Or more precisely a hypodermic needle in a pile of trash. Let's face it, Northlake Mall is a total hellhole... Ok, maybe not as bad as Southlake Mall but y'all know what I mean. Shit, I pack serious heat when I consciously know that I will be in this area... They call me John Woo Wick around here but my bullet proof suits are not as fancy as Theodore 'Ted' Logan's because, you know, of the robust plumage of the pouch. I rather take on the entire Russian mob than trying to tuck in the pouch's pannus flap (aka abdominal apron) into a pair of skinny slacks... The vest will definitely be a no go. But this joint is a total go go go... I haven't been back in awhile, so let's strap on a Kimber 1911, Glock 27 and a Kahr P9 just in case if the shit goes down that does not involve fwied cheekan legs and thighs.
I have always liked this place since the first time I stepped elephant foot through the door and that fried chicken thigh into my facehole... It was like heaven, ghetto heaven. Let's see how they're doing these days...
The place still looks rundown like usual but this time there were a bunch of light bulbs out and that wasn't for the ambiance, either... Wait, less illumination might be a good thing in here. Have y'all ever looked around this place... I don't mean the decor or food on the table, I'm talking about the creastures that are sitting at the tables... Woof. Ok, the decor is really kinda low rent, too, the drop down-ish ceiling in the middle of the room has a ton of round lights that most homebuilders use in their residential builds, it fucking cracks me up on whoever designed this place, it's awful but the rednecks seem to love it. So, that's why I prefer to sit at the bar so my view of vision is limited to just staring at the beer taps. Speaking of beer, they have the cheapest fucking prices around. I know they ain't high brow craft brews or whatever the fuck bearded manbun freaks drink these days, but for a simple pint of Yeungling is like $2.50. They got decent bottled beers for like $3.50, too. But enough with the foreplay and dirty talk, let's get to the good stuff already...

Fuck Fork in the Road, they should just rename it to "Fantastic Fried Beasts and Where to Eat Them"... Look at this fantastically deep fried spread on a recent Fat Girl Night out (yes, that was singular)... And all this for under $19, I shit you not... If you mofos really want to be technical, all this added up to $18.87... I know what y'all are saying, Are you fucking shittin' me? No, broseph, no. Let's go ahead and break this beast down, shall we... Can y'all take a guess what's first on the list?

Fried Chicken. I always get the 6 piece dark because it is the best fucking deal around... Not just because of the incredible price point... But their fried chicken is one of the best in town. Yeah, it's that good... And I never doubt the pouch's instincts. The fried chicken here are made to order, yeah mofos, hecho a la medida, ese! Takes about 20 minzies or so to prepare this, so, if you know you're gonna get this, order this when you sit down. The thin crust is ultra crispy and sticks to the meat pretty well and pulls off without too much effort. The flesh is amazingly moist... Makes me wanna strap a leg behind each ear while munching on a succulent thigh. This FC is legit, for reals.

Fried Clam Strips. It's almost impossible to find a fried clam strip dinner now since all the HoJo's are now extinct except for the last one in Lake George in upstate NY. No restaurant wants to put this on their menu because they think it's so fucking low rent... Fuck them, I love this shit. It brings me back to my childhood and how difficult times were back then... The struggle is real, motherfuckers! As real as the struggle to find pants that fit the pouch. I remembered the clam strips here were good when I had them a long time ago... But I just read an article about how the last standing HoJo is being put for sale so I knew I just had to have a fried clam strip dinner to honor them... And the only place I know that serves it is here. Look at this gorgeous platter... And it was a fucking medium portion for $7.99. I said, Seven-Fucking-99... I don't know how to spell 99 so I just wrote the numbers there. But damn, these fried clam strips were better than I remembered... Imagine if I got the LARGE order, I could take a fried clam strip bath. Fuck, they were so good I couldn't stop throwing them in my blowhole like a trainer constantly feeding a dolphin... But the pouch doesn't do tricks for treats, though... I can barely get it up... Oh, wait, nevermind, not those kind of tricks. The batter/crust was crispy, light and airy and the clam strip inside was moist and had just the right amount of chew without being rubber bandy. I would totally get these again and again and relive my struggling childhood living by the river. Ok, you got me... First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! So what! Let's get back to the task at hand...

Tater Tots. I know what y'all are saying.. Who gives a shit about plain old tots? Everyone has had them everywhere... Sure enough, but these were ultra crispy and tasted like they were deep fried in a pre-vegan snowflake McDonald's fryer with beef flavoring in the oil. I wouldn't be surprised if they bought up all the remaining inventory of beef flavored veggie oil from Mickey Dee's. This shit was so damn tasty.

Sweet Creamed Cornbread. This is their best side dish... It is huge, it is buttery, it is supple, it is just plain glorious. I don't know how they do it but this shit is addictive... I would even cut it up with a razor blade and snort this shit pure... Not that I know what snorting yeyo is like, I just seen it on the TV. Just sayin'.

Fried Red Onion Strings. This was a special for the night... And they know just how to rope you in to getting it. They offer it as an app for $3.99 which is a steal already but in small print you can get this as a side order for $1.89. Dude, c'mon, yo, stop fucking cock teasing me... You're gonna make me cry with all the fucking onion in this side dish. Look at it, they don't fucking skimp on anything in here. No wonder I'm so fucking fat after eating here. The batter was light, thin, crispy and held onto the onion slivers perfectly to dip the shit outta them in their special "burning ranch dressing" which has a small hint of spices in there. Jesus, how can you pass on these butes for this low low price... Who fucking owns this joint...  Crazy Eddie? The prices are insane up in this piece!

This joint ain't fancy by any means, it's barely a step up from a soup kitchen... But those little things like aesthetics, decor, feng shui and filthy hobos don't mean a thing when I'm dining out... I only care about the vittles being put out from the kitchen. Coming here is such a rush, the possibility of being shot while eating some of the best fried chicken intown is a reality... But I just don't give a shit because I can die a happy pouch after stuffing it with their dericious morsels. I have tried at least half of the menu throughout my past visits and almost everything was more than acceptable with some exceptional... The fried fish sando was just ok but the philthy cheesesteak was pretty good. The fried chicken and clam strips are worth taking a bullet for... But that bullet would prolly just get stuck in my fatback. The place is basically like a local Greek diner with an extensive menu but their short order cooks are just killing it here consistently unlike many of the Greek diners around. This place is rad. 

Northlake Mall
4800 Briarcliff Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30345

Best BBQ Dim Sum Part 2

The banner is still up, so that's a good sign... "The Best Dim Sum is Back!" and it sho' was on my initial visit. Now, it's time for a revisit to see if it was a fluke or not inside this reincarnated Asian Supermarket that looks exactly the same as before. I know they got the talent to put out the best dimz around... But that's not really a difficult feat in this town. Have y'all eaten at the handful of long running dim sum joints lately? Jesus, they all fucking suck ass... Big time. I can find better dim sum at The Halal Guys. Oriental Pearl, which was always a good go to spot for dim sum, got on my shit list for awhile but now they are coming back around with semi-acceptable dim sum. Canton House, Royal China, East Pearl, Golden House, etc etc... Are all still a waste of time, money and pouch space. So, how does a tiny food court Chino BBQ hole in the wall pump out such incredible little treasures from the heart? I don't fucking know but who cares... If the shit is good, I'm all over it like white on rice noodles. Let's see go give them the litmus test...

Lo Bak Go (turnip), Har Gao (shrimp), Shumai (pork), Ngau Bak Yip (tripe). The first thing I noticed was the har gaos, holy shit, they were huge... They're back, baby! More on the infamous har gaos later... But let's check out the other facehole stuffing vittles. The turnip cakes were really good, nice crispy sear on the outside and smooth and velvety turnip on the inside, great flavor, too. The shumais were huge as well and they were so plump and moist, one of the best showing in this town. The tripe... Oh, the tripe... Piled high as fuck, steaming hot and ultra tender with a wonderful sauce, it coulda been a bit spicier but the seasoning was so good that you didn't even notice the lack of heat from the missing jalapenos. They are fucking killing it so far, yo... I mean like really good. How long can this dream last...

Har Gao. Look at these giant motherfuckers... Even a well seasoned hooker couldn't get two of them in her cheeks but maybe perhaps in between her butt cheeks like a chipmunk. These giant shrimp filled dumps are fucking back alright, these thing were made to order perfectly... Ginormous shrimp and shrimp paste filling inside a perfectly thin translucent skin. You can't be anymore spot on than this specimen. If I had balls that were as big and succulent as these babies, imagine what the pouch could accomplish for mankind... Ok, prolly not much except eat an entire family size box of Popeyes on the couch while watching Marley & Me and then cry myself to sleep. Yes, I'm not only a crass mofo but also kinda pathetic with a soft spot for Owen Wilson's crooked schnozz... But doesn't that Marley puppy look dericious or is it just me...

Pai Gwut. I rarely get these steamed ribs because they are usually so chewy, little meat and full of bone shards. But these came out ridiculously good looking and meaty that I couldn't resist gnawing on a few of them just to see what the fuss was all about. Damn, they were good... I might even order them again in the future.

Chive Baos. I'm usually on the fence with these Green Giant balls but they were filled with a lot of fresh fragrant chives and good portion of savory pork morsels... Not too shabby.

Shrimp Cheong Fun. I have always fucking love these things since I was a pocket pouch... The rice noodle rolls could be filled with anything and they would be good. The shrimp used in here were the same size as the har gao... They gotta be like 26-30 or larger. The rice noodle was perfectly steamed and the sweeten soy was freshly made and sweetened the rice noodles perfectly. But I usually like to drown those fuckers in there.

Beef Cheong Fun. Just like the shrimp ones above, the beef was just as good. Perfectly steamed and the seasoned minced beef was just right. Damn, I gobbled these up like there was no tomorrow, too... I also drown the har gaos in the sweet soy, too. So, what? Don't be so intolerant... Dumps Trumps Hate. 

Ham Sui Gok. These came out ridiculously hot, fresh out of the fryer... They are larger than most places and you need to let these cool down for like 5 minzies or else you will burn your face off. It was filled with a good amount of savory pork bits as well, ultra crispy crust with a perfect pull on the glutenous dough ball. I friggin lurv these things.

Lo Mai Gai. These glutenous rice sacks were filled with chicken, pork and chinese sausage. I liked how they give you two smaller pouches instead of one giant one, so they can steam faster and better to share with others or just eat one and take one home... Like I did. Fuck the other people, they can get their owns.

Wu Gok. I waited and waited for these to come... They are the true test of a skilled dim sum joint. Fuck me, look at these beautiful bastards. Look at how flaky they are, it's like they're reaching for the sky in an armed robbery... And I'm gonna take everything you got, bitches! They were so goddamn plump and filled with more of that savory pork kibbles inside. The taro ball was firm but yet supple when bit into and the flaky crust is just damn perfect. There was no grease factor, either. It was totally worth the wait.

These dirty motherfuckers did it again... I don't know how they got such bad health scores in the past at their main location in the Great Wall market that shuttered their dim sum empire... But who fucking cares, yo. Their little sister location is closer to town and there was no line on this visit, not even a small crowd nearing towards noon on a Sunday... Which was unfathomable and totally fine by me. I fucking hate people watching the pouch eat with looks of disgust and revolt on their fat faces. But if they did, I don't care no how because the best dim sum is back and it's giving me a major blood flow, yo.

Pump pump... Squirt.

5150 Buford Hwy NE
B-199
Doraville, GA 30340

Bullgogi

Why does the pouch always think about the Dick in the Box song when it sees menus with "steps"? Because that crass mofo's pouch is always in the gutter... Like everything it flushes down the toilet. Anyone remember Seven Hens? *crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought... Even though it had some form of fried chicken in their sandos, it was still amazingly awful... Kinda like the Nekid Cheekan Chalupa at Toxic Hell. No amount of PR coulda save that sinking schnitzel... They eventually closed up shop quietly into the night, leaving the empty space for another sucker with a loan and a dream.
We all know about the Korean street food/bbq scene for awhile now, it's spices and sauces have been making small appearances on almost every menu... Shit, if Applebee's and TGIF's are serving Corean BBQ and Tacos... You know that shit has jumped the shark, the Fonz and PSY. Why would any sucker be dumb enough to open a dedicated fast casual Korean street food joint? Wait, I don't think any answers are needed for that question... But somehow, someone made that dream come true with Bull Gogi up in rural Norcross. It's near my office, that's why I know about it. Never went because I want to get the fuck outta Peachtree Corners as fucking quick as I can after dark... It is like Gatlin, Nebraska, you will never get out! But anyways, so, they opened up another location in Decatur... I don't know if it's the same family running it but the menu is downsized big time from the Norcross one. The new Decatur joint is bulgogi and poke bowls only... I really wished they had the KFC here but the menu is so super simple that there's no way they can fuck it up, right?
Alright, let's just get it over with... Jesus, the pouch's facehole talks as much shit as his asshole does.
Ok, long story short since this menu is short as fuck... I didn't hated it, but instead, I ated it. I know, right? Who is this motherfucker writing this? Did someone hijack the cheekan lipz? Someone put an APB out for a confused walking muffin top, STAT.
I'm not gonna get all mushy about this place but the pouch will give y'all the quick and dirty breakdown on the vittles.

That's it.. The entire menu on a wall... With "steps". I didn't see a dick in a bowl, though.

Tuna, Salmon Poke Bowl. I kinda liked that they use these recycled hard ass paper bowls... They're perfect to load a shit of junk in that bowl... Yep, right back to the dick in a box reference, so childish! So, there's sushi rice, a scoop of tuna and salmon cubes, basically all the fucking toppings I can fit in there, wasabi mayo and ponzu, and the green tea tempura. You would think all that shit piled in there would taste like... Well, shit. But it was totally edible. Was it giving me a blood flow in my nether region? ...Fuck no. It ain't a true poke bowl because the sooshee cubes were not seasoned or marinaded beforehand, just plain old fish cubes... But for what it was, all the ingredients were pretty fresh and colorful. 

Beef Bulgogi, Spicy Korean Chicken Bowl. It's basically the same deal here with the bulgogi bowl as the poke bowl. You pick two meats and pile as much shit on top as you can. Like the poke bowl, this was totally acceptable as well. The only thing that had a weird taste to it was the green tea tempura, it tasted like old frying oil for some reason.

I can't piss on them too much because it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be... Oh, believe me, I was ready to tear them a new asshole after I was done with mine on the toilet... But it's such a cheesy cartoonish gimmick that you just kinda wanna let them do their thing and see what happens. It's like watching the Special Olympics, you just can't not love those silly bastards running the wrong way and still win a medal. Will I be back anytime soon? Prolly the fuck not but if they expanded the menu to include KFC and other vittles, I may be persuaded by some brown party liquor to pay another visit... Or if they're on Scoutmob or something... You know, just for the shits and giggles factor. Somehow, I think they will end up on Scoutmob sooner than later... The pouch instincts never fails. Well, we all know how that will end if they do. But for the time being... Bring your kids, they will love it because they have no palates. They just like the pretty colors and get a medal for eating their veggies.

North Decatur Center
2140 N Decatur Rd
Decatur, GA 30033
https://www.bullgogirestaurant.com/

The Halal Guys

This is why we can't have nice things. There's hype and there's ultra hype... This place wins the award for ultra retarded hypery. I grew up with the Halal Guys carts in NYC... I had it every now and then but it was nothing that special. It was a cheap decent quick bite when you're on the go like everyone is in NYC. Street food like this always seems to taste better from the carts when it's fucking freezing out... Those damn carts always smelled so good in cold weather and the steam trail was like a lamp in the middle of the night luring you into it's grasp. I have never been to one of their storefronts in the city because it kinda defeated their purpose as a street food. Plus, over the years, they seemed more like a touristy thing to do than actually for a NYer's regular diet. By the looks of their website, they have been pretty fucking busy franchising the shit outta this food cart idea and trying to conquer the world with their brick and mortar stores. Locations are popping up everywhere around the globe and when the word got out that they were taking over the old El Norteno/pawn shop space, I was kinda excited... Now, I can get a lil piece of NYC history on what better place than right on Buford Hwy.
Then the media hype machine went into overdrive... Shilling the shit outta this place. And of course, the sheeple of Atlanta fell for it all... Hook, line and stinker. Yes, I said stinker because there was funk surrounding the aura around this joint. When a place needs to shill the fuck outta their grand opening day, there is usually something they are not telling us. But that didn't stop the herd from gathering in mass for the slaughter like it was some political identity statement... Wait, they're not giving away stinky pink pussy here are they? Nope, but they were giving away free shaved meat flaps for the first 50 people to line up outside to make it look like it's a happening joint. Fuck that waiting in line shit, I'll pay for my own dry pieces of meat flaps, mucho gracias... I wonder if those gullible mooks also got a free pink knit hat for standing in line on opening day.
So, I was gonna wait for awhile before coming here (at least until the hype/crowd died down) but I couldn't resist making a quick drive by, went early right when they opened, since I'm on Buford Hwy so much anyways. Well, the doors weren't even opened yet and not surprisingly there was a line out the door, already. The shit I do for my one reader...  Luckily, the line moved pretty fast. But not fast enough for me to check out and study their operation and processes first.
The first thing I noticed was the two autodoners and what was rotating inside them. The prefabbed processed meat cones looked like a giant meat eraser... As if they poured pink slime into a cone mold and chilled solid like a giant SPAM. It looked so unappetizing as the guy was carving the meat cone on to a dust pan and then mixed in with the giant pile of other carvings in a hotel pan from who knows when sitting on a flat top to finish off the cooking process since the autodoners were taking too long which that's how it should work. All the semi crispy slices he just carved off the cone have just became null and void. Then I looked over to the right flat top grill and there was Mount Fowlsuvius... A ginormous mound of cooked chicken bits piled 2 feet high. I can understand they want to cook a shitload of crap ahead of time because of the long line but for fuck sake, has this place just become a commercial burrito joint? There were so many other ridiculous shit going on in here but I don't have the time to write it all down because my fucking appendages are hurting already from finger banging this keyboard out of frustration. Let's just get to the juicy bits already...

Beef Gyro. At first, I really didn't want to look at the "beef" carvings up close... But at least all the crap in the pita was kinda hidden and camouflaged from the liberal squirts of white sauce... That makes me smile because that's how I like to play hide and seek with the broads I bring to cheap motels, too! The gyro was nothing special, without the white sauce this thing would be a total snoozer. Nothing tasted like it was seasoned and the beef tasted like a rehydrated Slim Jim. It was a mess to eat and it got on my nerves after a few bites that the work involved with eating it wasn't well rewarded. This specimen wasn't a total loss, the pita bread tasted factory fresh and the white sauce was acceptable. I would prolly never get this again unless they get at least 6 autodoners and real lamb cones, not that shitty pink slime beef erasers. There are so many other places that deliver a better quality gyro. If I served this in NYC without telling that person where it came from, they would kick this gnarly meat flapwich over the railing right into the East River... Resting at the bottom with all the other dead hookers that will never be found.

Combo Chicken/Gyro Platter. Fuck me, this look like a sad ass container of dried out meat flaps. I have seen more appetizing plates at a soup kitchen. The naked shards of beef gyro meat sans white sauce looked like a 3 toothed chihuahua gnawed on it for 3 hours and then regurgitated it back up for her newborn pups. I mean, look at it... How fucking unappetizing does that look? The very average and barely seasoned chicken underneath the sea of white sauce would make a washed up porn star blush... Talk about used up old meat, it was piled high in the corner, that line cook had a strong pimp hand. Underneath all that raccoon and possum meat, there was a layer of cold orange rice, lettuce and a spoonful of tomato dices... How fucking pedestrian is that... But wait, there's more! They asked me if I wanted any toppings. So, I'm like, ooooooh, thinking about the extensive selection of toppings like at Willy's that I can overfill my burrito for that extra added value... But I was bamboozled big time, they had 4, yes, four toppings and they were green pepper, olives, onions and jalapenos. The olives were pretty good, though. I don't know why they would offer two sizes for a $1 difference- either small or regular for the platters. They didn't look any different to me. This combo platter was a total disappointment... It was almost like a cruel poop joke that you would light on fire and throw at your neighbor's door during Halloween. I have no desire to order this ever again.

Baba Ghanouhj, Falafel. Maybe it's just me... But... Does that look like throw up and poop nuggets from a Pomeranian to anyone? From my view, it's uncanny similar. But guess what? The lady baba gaga was actually pretty tasty, slap a slutty one piece on that gash and it could do a half time show. It had a nice smoky flavor to it but it had more of a watery oatmeal consistency than what a proper baba ganoush should be. I like it with more bite and texture instead of pure mush. The falafel were obviously factory pressed in a mold, frozen, shipped, delivered and deep fried extra dark... They looked like big Rolo's but tasted like sawdust, dried out and totally unseasoned, not even a hint of one spice. Well, that's four for four... A total fail on this initial visit.

I can understand the outrageous opening hype with a well known NYC street food icon but the food at this new and shiny location was so below average that I would rather eat dirty water dogs before I would make another visit. If you want good middle eastern/mediterranean grub just go to the proven Mediterranean Bakery... That is the real deal. Shit, even Mediterranean Grill or Ameer's will do... And light years better than this dump. Their NYC street carts may still have what it takes to keep their name alive... But the franchises are just a marketing tool, all style, no substance. Let's see how long these lines will last when everyone has had a taste of this slop... I give them 6 months before it's empty inside, ok, maybe a few tourists from outta town, perhaps from NYC, will pay this faux gyro gimmick a visit just for the shits and giggles factor. And possibly a couple of curious fat drunk Mexicans on their way home from a night of salsa dancing at La Rumba... Ayayayayayaya, Salam Alaikum!

Later suckaz...

4929 Buford Hwy NE Suite#A
Chamblee, GA 30341
http://thehalalguys.com/

Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa Big Box

Hey, pouch, I got somethin' real important to give you. So, just sit down and listen. Pouch, you know we've been munching together such a long long time (such a long time). And now I'm ready to lay it on the line. You know it's lunch time and the pouch is open wide. Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind. A gift real special, so take off the top. Take a look inside -- it's my naked chick in a box!
To all the fellas out there with pouches to impress. It's easy to do just follow these steps...
1: Place an order for the big box.
 

2: Put their junk in that box.

3: Make it open the box.
And that's the way you do it. It's a naked chick in a box... Naked chick in a box, babe. It's a pretty nice set up, real clean and neat like it's actually edible. I lined up all the sauces they had because I'm anal... Speaking of anal, that will be discussed later on. The diablo is a joke, the fire is a cock tease, the hot is spicier than the rest, and the mild is a non-starter.

In all it's glory. Kinda looked like one those frozen tater breakfast patties... Except that it's curved, a lil bit to the left.

From up top... It looked eerily like a stripper I know at Tattletale. Ok, it's basically a lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese sando... It ain't no KFC double down but thanks for the effort. If they had bacon in there, it would bring it a few notches up. So, how does it taste, pouch? Meh, the fried chicken shell needed to be crispier and the processed cheekan bits inside reminded me of that pink slim texture. It's indistinguishable, it doesn't taste like chicken and everything tastes like goddamn chicken when it comes to mystery meat.

The deadly demonspawn trio. My bowels were waving the white flag already. I only ate the naked chicken chalupa on the first attempt and I had my fill for the day. I tossed the other two tacos back in the box and proceeded to drink whiskey and a good amount of it well into the night... Until I got the munchies. I don't remember eating the other two tacos but the evidence was spread out all over the table the next morning. Sauce packets everywhere, I even found one under my pillow... WTF. I truly am a sad sack of hamster vomit. My toilet was billing me for triple overtime for this triple threat... I didn't even want to look at my water meter. The shit was spinning so fast it almost made me puke.

So, I found a pic of how they make the fwied cheekan shells... It's kinda ingenious and revolting at the same time. It's basically a cheap chicken patty forced against it's will and shoved in a mold and deep fried into a shell. Bless their cheekan hearts...

The naked chicken chalupa was Taco Bell's answer to the KFC's double down but it doesn't even come close to the double down in creativity and taste. It's just another gimmick to trick suckaz like the pouch into buying it because it has the two words that puts me into a trance... Fried Chicken. And I got two word for Taco Bell... Explosive Diarrhea. Demolition Man was wrong, Taco Bell will never be the restaurant of the future... Unless, they change their name to Trainspotting Bell.

Flush.

Domu

Since, I had a lovely snack from Maryland fried chicken earlier... I was craving ramen big time. But come on, you ain't gonna find a proper ramen joint in Orlando, the land of the chain restos... Why even bother, right? Well... Fuck that noise. I'm gonna find a ramen joint if it takes me all night in this sea of pedestrian slop. What's this... A ramen and cocktail joint? No fucking way... That is my favorite combo. But I'm still skeptical of a ramen joint down here in the land of socks and sandals... So, the pouch needed to investigate this specimen a bit closer...

Toki Old Fashioned. They have a decent booze list and a bunch of Japanese party liquors. I got this Suntory style old fashioned and it was pretty good.

Pigs In A Blanket, chashu, cucumber, pickled cabbage, scallion, spicy mayo, steamed bao buns. I know I know... Why am I being such a sucker for this played out baos... I gotta admit it was pretty tasty. I wouldn't get them again, save room for some other vittles.

Sichuan Cucumbers, sesame oil, fried garlic, sesame seeds, Japanese spices. Doesn't sound so Sichuan does it? But it tasted pretty good, had nice flavor all around and the crunch of the seasoned cucumbers.

KFC. These are some of the biggest wings I have seen... That's because they are more heavily battered with a ultra crispy crust. The glaze on top was something they called a Korean Butter Sauce. It sounds funny but it worked nicely with them. These were pretty damn good craveworthy wings. They were totally addictive.

Domu Don, uni, ikura, spicy tuna, nori, rice. If there's an uni dish on the menu, it's gonna be on the table. This was a bowl of flavors. A good amount of dressed tuna cubes and you can't miss that giant lobe of uni.

Uni Pasta, uni butter sauce, ikura, microgreens, crispy red quinoa, chives, uni. This was basically the same as the Domu Don but with ramen instead... Not just any ordinary ramen, they use the primo Sun Noodles here as well, just like every other respectable ramen joint. Ok, this uni pasta might be a bit better than the Domu Don... That uni butter sauce kills it in this bowl.

Richie Rich, tonkotsu base broth, chashu, ajitama brulee, kikurage, scallions, fried garlic, domudama, burnt garlic oil. This was big bowl of ramen with a good amount of broth... Like how it should be and not just a couple ladles of it. The broth is the dish... And this broth was pretty rich and the burnt garlic oil elevated this broth to another level of flavor. Very good tonkotsu broth and paired up with the Sun Noodles and you got yourself a proper ramen bowl. I liked how they added a nice spin to the egg, they brulee it to give it that crunchy sweetness to it, that's a nice move. The chashu was pretty much standard issue, they could give a couple more slices because they were paper thin. Overall, this was a pretty respectable tonkotsu ramen, not very traditional but it worked.

Tokyo, shoyu base broth, fried chicken thigh,, ajitama brulee, kikurage, seared garlic chives, infused duck fat. If you wanted something lighter this shoyu broth will do the trick... If you think lighter means less flavor you're wrong. They add a nice amount of infused duck fat in the broth and that makes the light looking broth into a explosion of fatty ducky flavor. I had them put the fried chicken thigh on the side because I didn't how they were gonna prepare it... But it was pretty simple, they just lightly coated the thigh and deep fried it, so there weren't really any crust to it. But it was great in the broth. This bowl was another winner in my book. 

How the fuck is this possible? A very respectable ramen joint in Orlando? Seriously, what the fuck is going on in here? The place was packed with a diverse crowd but they were mostly millennials that wanted to look hip at a hip food scene... I guess the fucking Waldo looking millennials are all the same no matter what state you're in. This ramen joint gave me hope that Orlando is not just filled with overweight oinkers looking for the cheapest early bird buffet special as I once thought. They are doing it right and I would definitely come back for more.

East End Market
3201 Corrine Dr Suite 100
Orlando, FL 32803
http://www.domufl.com/

Maryland Fried Chicken

If there's fwied cheekan to be had... This plump morsel of pouch flap aka the pannus will find it and eat the shit outta it. But somehow I mysteriously ended up in the sunshine state for some fucked up reason. Oh, well, there's always a pot of golden fwied cheekan at the end of the rainbow, I say. Seriously, how the fuck did I end up here... Was I on drugs? Anyone have any? Who gives a shit, just eat, mofo... So, you can see your own huge shadow and scurry back into this chicken shack for 6 more weeks of fwied cheekan heaven.
Ok, it's kinda hard to miss the giant red sign that says FRIED CHICKEN... But when you pull up, you're like where the fuck is the place? Yeah, it's that small, this fry shack is literally the size of a rest stop off the Jersey Turnpike... Except this place serves chicken instead of hairy sausage. This shack has been here for over 50 years and it shows, shit, it must be good then... C'mon, then, what the fuck are you waiting for... Feed me!

I love this sign because it has two of my favorite words on it.

I can't believe I only got two orders... I just wanted a light snack before my real lunch.

Leg and Thigh, the only way to eat fried chicken. Look at the crust... Thin and ultra crispy. That is a good crust. Took a bite and I was giving myself a cream pie in my underpants. This was a very nice fried chicken... It's just so crackling good and very juicy on the inside. The greens with bacon in it were seasoned spot on... They melt in your mouth. I also sampled the collards which were a bit spicy and peppery which was nice.

Second round... Just as good. The coleslaw was creamy and sweet... You could gum that tasty shit down.

Fried Livers and Gizzards. I friggin lurv these innards... No one eats gizzards, I say they are missing out big time on these beauties. The livers were large and in charge... Damn good, too.

The pouch instincts did not fail me... The shittier the place looks on the outside, the better the grub is inside. This was a very good specimen of what a great fried chicken is... I just couldn't believe it wasn't packed. But they did say that they do a ton of to-go orders. They have locations everywhere except in fucking metro Georgia... They have a bunch of location in mossback inbreed rural Georgia towns... WTF, yo, rednecks don't eat fried chicken, they don't have the teeth. Y'all better git wit da program and open up a couple locations in Atlanta because the pouch needs feeding. Was it as good as Popeyes... Damn, don't put me on the spot, motherfuckers... But yeah, they were almost as good as Popeyes but they don't do spicy.


13675 W Colonial Dr.
Winter Garden, FL 34787