Papillote French Cuisine to Go

There is no problem finding Cajun and Creole grub all over Savannah's historic district... But finding a nice little Fronch cafe for a quick snack is a bit harder to do. The larger joints are more of an event and I didn't want to sit down and eat breakfast for over an hour. I just wanted a quick bite, to get the fuck in and get the fuck out fast... Cuz I got things to do and more grub to eat. I walked by this place and it looked like it had potential, so, I came back the next morning... Let's see what they got or will I be making a stop at McDonald's across the street...

Macarons. They got macarons... Made in house and looked pretty decent. I think these were the Nutella and Coconut. It's no Ladurée but not too bad at all. Nice crust and a bit gooey inside. Not too sweet and pretty good flavor overall.

Croque Madame. This is different... How they get that egg so perfectly thin, round and the yolk right in the center? I don't fucking know but I like it. That egg has a surface area bigger than most tiny homes. It's a cute presentation but let's get to the nuts and bolts... What the fuck is underneath it and inside it.... Time to do some surgery like in biology class.

The dissected frog... Looks pretty good. Underneath the egg, there was a layer of melted gruyere cheese on top of the bread. And inside had a decent portion of ham and Swiss cheese. The bread was buttered and grilled perfectly. This was a very respectable madame unlike some of the broads I have slayed in the past. I would eat this madame out again. 

Quiche Lorraine. Shit, I don't know how many quiche Lorraines I have made in the past when I was cooking but quiche ain't that difficult to make. This specimen was not too shabby. They premake them and hold them in the display case and then reheat them to order... Luckily, they made this batch about an hour ago so it was just a quick reheating without drying it out. The blind baked crust was thin but held together well. The filler mixture was plump but not dense. The ratio of meats, cheese, eggs and milk/cream was pretty much spot on. This was a very decent and tasty quiche.

Bloody hell... They just will not let me find any faults or mistakes in any of these classic frog dishes. Bastards. I have to make fun of something here... Ok, the dishes they used seemed like they got it at the Goodwill, cheap motherfuckers. So there. This is a nice little cafe with very decent French classics. I would come back here for a quick bite and another peek at the cute camel toe in the ultra tight yoga pants that served the pouch. Squirt.

218 W Broughton St
Savannah, GA 31401
912-232-1881
http://www.papillote-savannah.com/

Tava Indian Bistro

I came by here when they first opened... Walked in, no one was around (not even any staff), walked out. Every time I drive by it, it's pretty empty. I had a feeling they may not be open for much longer so I finally made another attempt to see if anyone was in there. Walked in and it was DEAD again, except for one family hidden away in a booth that gave you the impression that it may suck a big fat dosa... But fuck it, I will eat here if it's the last thing I put in my pouch. Sat down across from the only people in here. That family was fat. Indian people usually aren't that fat. But there's exceptions to fat Asians... Yours truly. The father and grandpa had these ginormous pouches, their bellies were all smooshed up against the table even when they were leaning all the way back in that booth... That is the result of years of training their pouch. I could only be so lucky... But I wouldn't want to take off my sandals and go barefoot on the floor like they did... Instagram of Britany Spears barefoot in a gas station shitter popped up in my tiny lobes. Oh yeah, that dude's crusty old dried up foot got me all horned up for some smelly Indian grub. Give it to me good, Patel... Ram that girthy dosa to where the sun don't shine... In da pouch. Squirt.

House Chips, freebie. Some people were saying these are the Bhajiya chips, but they're not. Bhajiya chips are coated in a thin batter and fried with spices. These were plain, uncoated fried chips. It's pretty much a standard hand sliced tater chip but they were freshly made. Crispy and a little grease just so you know it's made in house. The tamarind and coriander sauce were pretty good... Something to dip your spud in. It's nice that they give something to munch on while you look through the menu.

Tava Ragda Patties. Patties? What patties? Oh, it's in there... A la 80's style Prego commercial. Now, it's time to put the patties in my pouch. This was pretty tasty, two large potato patties underneath that mess of shit on top which was a mix of flavors and textures (peas, onions, spices and sauces). This was a good dish, I would get it again.

Egg Katakat, spiced Indian scrambled eggs. Great idea on paper but this execution was a dud. These were the shittest scrambled eggs no matter in what language and cuisine. They were mealy and grainy. Maybe something in their spices made it curdled up and died. This was pretty forgettable but the omelet doesn't sound too bad... That's what I said about the scrambled eggs... "They can't fuck that up"... Famous last words.

Lamb Bheja, lamb brains in Tava seasoning. I can't believe they have brains and kidney on the menu, this almost makes them legit. I asked them if the brains were fresh, they said they just got it this morning. SOLD. I liked the brains, nice colorful dish but the seasoning was a little weak. With brains you need to seriously season them well with spices, butter, garlic, whatever, as long as it keeps you away from thinking you're just eating brains. If they crisped it up a bit and used more garlic and onions along with their house seasoning, this would have been a lot better. It was a bit too soft on the chew... Like brain sashimi. A decent dish but coulda been so much more. May have to try the kidney next time since they slow cook it.

Tava Bhindi, okra tossed in Tava masala. The whole okra were nice but you had to chew it a bit before you can even swallow it... That's what she said. The masala sauce thinger was pretty good flavor wise but the extended chewing session on the okra became annoying after awhile.  

Keema Sandwich, spiced ground lamb. What is this... The Indian Pac-Man or are they harvesting fake boobs from middle aged women? I don't know but I fucking like it. That is a very large bun... Let's see if it's all bun and no meat inside. Who doesn't like a huge heaping of manmeat inside your buns... I like it inside my face gash, too. Just sayin'.

Pop da hood... And there was a fucking huge heaping of ground lamb in there. The soft bread is even buttered and toasted... This can't be real, it must be a dream. First bite... Fuck me and call me Sanjay. This lamb sando was legit, it was really good. That large round bread served a purpose, to keep all the ground lamb bits inside. The spices and flavor of the lamb was really nice, almost like a curried lamb but in hand held form. It kinda reminded me of a Chinese curry bun. Seriously, if the lamb sando was this good, I gotta try their other ones... You motherfuckers got me on yo sandwiches, now, I have to come back, bitches. The chips were the same as the housemade chips, good but how many chips can you eat after all this grub.

Roti. The entrees all come with like 2 roti, so I got like 6 of them. Time to make Indian burritos. I wanted to try the bullet naan but even the pouch was too bloated to even attempt one because it looked like they are a hefty portion at another table I saw.

Jeera Rice. I know it's just friggin rice and cumin seeds but this was kinda boring... C'mon, dress it up a little, a little coriander leaves for color or a lemon wedge so I squirt on it for crying out loud.

I do not dislike this place. The space is modern, the open-ish kitchen is nice to take a peek at the giant tava pans and the menu reads quite well... Not that many will come, but whities would not freak out here (doesn't smell like a dirty carpet Indian buffet joint) but the execution is hit or miss. Sometimes, you expect a dish to come out the way you imagined it but something else appears... Not that it's a bad thing but it could throw you off a bit when it comes to traditional Indian grub with a modern twist here. Since, I like to see new translations of classic dishes by younger creative cooks, I was totally cool with them doing it up their way... Y'all got me on the lamb sando, though. So, I'll be back to try the rest of the sandos, especially, the Nihari (classic Pakistani curry reinvented into a dericious sando), ah, fuck yeah, ese... That is, if they don't close down first.

1685 Church St #110
Decatur, GA 30033 
404-343-2710
http://www.tavaindianbistro.com/ 

Mrs. Wilkes Dining Room

This place gets a ton of old people because the hours are 11am-2pm weekdays only. Who the fuck has that time frame to eat here unless you're retired or have affluenza... The pouch played hookie and made it's way here. It's in a residential neighborhood area, so, if you don't pay attention you may miss it... I just looked for the fat old people standing in line, it's kinda like Ms. Piggy's dump, Lady & Sons. That is their demographics after all but I do like eating with old people, I just don't like cleaning up after them... They slobber a lot and fart at will. So why the fuck would I stand on a line at 10am to eat a supper buffet on a weekday? They got fwied cheekan... Supposedly, a damn fine specimen. Shit bro, you got me.
Once you get inside, it's all family style. There's a bunch of tables so they just put in any empty seat and start delivering food in mass quantities until you say uncle. Every classic dish that your southern hillbilly gam-gams and aunties have ever made is here... And they are fucking good. 

Fat ass load of food that never ends. You have to play that Thanksgiving game of passing plates and bowls around the table. I kept the entire platter of fried chicken next to me... If you want a piece, I will throw one at you but if you touch this plate, I will cut you, Blanche... What did you say? Shut your whore mouth. You'll get nothing and like it.

Look at this glorious plate of glowing golden fwied cheekan... This would be in the briefcase if I wrote the screen play to Pulp Fiction.

This is how the pouch does it, just load it the fuck up. So, how was that fried chicken everyone was talking about? It was damn good... Thin crispy crust, real nice crack to it and covered the entire piece of chicken. It wasn't greasy but it was real juicy on the inside. The seasoning was spot on and simple just salt and pepper. I didn't even put hot sauce on it. I would put this in my top 5 list... And being an AYCE fwied chicken on this level made it even better.

Banana Pudding ended the gluttonous feast. It looked like denture paste but it tasted pretty good.

The dining room... I sat at the first table since I was basically at the front of the line. I would definitely come back here again and the price of admission was only $20 cash total, just put some money in the tip basket on your way out. I like this place, it checks off all the boxes that you can ask for from an old school joint with that southern charm... And that fwied cheekan ain't too shabby, either.


Burp.

107 W Jones St
Savannah, GA 31401
912-232-5997
http://mrswilkes.com/

The Florence

Not many people have heard of this newer resto in Savannah from Hugh Acheson... You know, the adorable uni-brow slinky chef that is loved by all for his sense of humor to make fun of himself and celebrity cookbooks like the nachos by Kris Jenner and "Pimp My Shrimp" by Coolio. The pouch has a very similar sense of humor except that it only has one fan and twice as fat as Hugh... It's really kinda depressing. I know I will be crying myself to sleep again tonight. But Hugh's year old Eyetalian resto in Savannah is another addition to the growing food scene there. While the location is further away from the main historic downtown area, it still draws a crowd, although, a later crowd. One recent Saturday, the place was basically dead, even the cool bar/lounge space upstairs was slow. More people came in as it got later and later. But I don't care, I prefer it to be slow so they can make my food spot on. The space is pretty nice and open with a good size bar. The open kitchen which is the norm these days was laid out well to let the diners peek what's going on back there. The brick pizza oven is commercial but it should still do it's job for the pizzas.While the space is simple overall, it also feels kinda sterile and quiet like an old school hospital.
The servers were mixed with the knowledge of the menu or how dishes were prepared. While my server was sweet and all, she was not around much and knew very little about the dishes but the server for the tables on either side of my table was extremely attentive and knowledgeable. The pouch gets fucked again. So, I kept it simple for my clueless server... Let's sample some Eyetalian morsels.

The Boulevard “HEY”. Bourbon, dry and sweet vermouth, campari, orange bitters. These little pre-bottled cocktails were cute but they weren't all that memorable. Then I saw they had Coors Banquet for $3... Score!

Menu was pretty straight forward, some interesting dishes and some good old standbys.

Long Live the Queen (Margherita). Tomato sauce, mozzarella, basil. Basically, a Margherita... But this Margherita looked a little off. If was almost entirely white, the crust, the cheese, except for the spots of red tomato sauce. This was awful, undercooked, raw gummy flour, flavorless, colorless... just bad execution. How the fuck could they let this out of the kitchen? They prolly know the demographics don't know or don't care what they get except that it's a Hugh Acheson resto and he was on the TV, so whatever comes out it has to be, no, must be right. The watery cheese on top was not mozzarella but instead RICOTTA. Was I suppose to fold this thing up and eat it like a calzone since it's full of ricotta? Who the fuck knows but I ate a slice and pushed this off to the side, I was done. The silly server girl comes over and says, "Can I take this away? Are you done with this?". Totally fucking clueless nitwit... 90% of the pie is there sitting on the side and she doesn't see anything wrong with it. So, I had to explain to her what was wrong with it in a very nice way like talking to my 4 year old nephew... I asked her if it's not too much trouble to have the kitchen throw this pie back into the oven for another minute or so and put some mozzarella on top also since they can't take the ricotta off. She said sure and off she went and.... The manager comes over after a short discussion with the server about the 'ZA. Manager says the pizza was totally made wrong and that it shouldn't have ricotta on this pie. Thanks for confirming what I already told the server. So, the manager was very nice about it and said another pie will be sent out correctly. I did mention to her to keep it in the oven for an extra 25 seconds if it's no trouble.

Second try... And well worth it. No ricotta this time. Beautiful blisters and a bubbly crust. Now, this tasted and looked like a Margherita pie. The crust was really nice, developed char blisters, nice pull and chew to it. The sauce even tasted better when it's actually heated correctly and the mozzarella melted nicely. This was a very decent 'ZA when it's done correctly which they obviously can when they want it to.

Whole Egg Yolk Ravioli. Ricotta, foraged mushrooms, brussel sprouts, sweet peppers, butternut squash, radish, puffed parm, hab broth, fennel pollen, prosciutto. Can they put enough shit on this dish? Yes they can and yes they will... I like their style. This was a beautifully presented dish. Real nice. I hope it tastes as good as it looks.

The egg yolk was in fact raw which was very nice. I love runny yolks all over. The giant egg yolk ravioli was pretty tasty, pasta was done spot on with a bit of a bite to it "al dente". The yolk gave it that extra flavor. The veggies surrounding it were really nice as well and the few pieces of prosciutto was just enough to balance it out with that salty hint. This was a winner.

Pork Cannelloni. Marinara, kale, chilies, oyster mushrooms, mozzarella. You know how restos put food in a cast iron just for show? This was actually cooked in it. It was hot hot hot which was great. The marinara sauce was the real winner here and the porky tubes were full of flavor and everything in this pan married very well together in flavor and presentation. I kept eating this non-stop. 

Black Bucatini. Calabrian chilies, garlic sausage ragu, bottarga, shrimp, clams. Black bucatini, how fucking awesome is that? Love love the black bucatini pasta.. Until I took a bite. It was almost raw. So undercooked it wasn't even funny. Is this coming from the same kitchen as the other dishes? Doesn't seem so... So sad because this plate looked so well composed. The shrimp was spot on, coulda used a couple more clams, the sausage ragu was good and the rest of the ingredients worked except that damn crunchy pasta. It was almost there, so close... It's like pumping one off and then someone opens the door right before you squirt. Brad knows what I'm talking about. So rude!

Coors Banquet. This was the perfect ending to a mixed dining experience... A giant can of Coors Banquet brew. Pound this thing fast and you will forget all the poorly executed food that was had... Until I post this.

Ok, it wasn't all that bad, there were a few really good dishes but the poor dishes really stood out the entire night. It was so strange. A server that disappeared, a manager and the rest of the kitchen watching me eat the entire time to searching for someone to pay the bill. I was exhausted and so ready to get the fuck outta here. I like Hugh and all but shit, I wouldn't come back here if he was cooking every dish. Don't feel bad because this place will do well no matter what they serve. It's Savannah hipster central.

1 W Victory Dr #B
Savannah, GA 31405
912-234-5522
http://theflorencesavannah.com/ 

The Flying Monk

There is no real Asian food in Savannah... So, when a fusion joint that covers literally almost every Asian country cuisine, it's bound to get a massive round eye crowd. Let's list the cuisines and countries available here- Laos, Japan, Cantonese, Mainland China, Korea, China, Cambodia, Thai, Singapore... Shit, they're only missing Philippines, Indonesia, Malaysia, Nepal, India and Taiwan. What kinda dump is this? I looked around and forks were flying everywhere. No one used chopsticks except me of course, the token fat Chino that was given chopsticks without even asking... They should call this place The Flying Fork.
Even though, I knew this place would be dumb down and round-eyederized, I had to do it for my one reader. I had to see what all the fuss was about with the lines and crowds at this spot. The entire look and feel of this place is just begging to be a franchise/chain hit... Panda Express must be their role model to their business model. But they do have some semi-interesting non-orange cheekan styles of dishes. Time to grab a quick sample...

They should just put a map on the menu and put the dish inside the country where it's from. Would be a lot easier for round eyes to see that they originated from different countries and not just combo #3.

Green Papaya Salad. There's more slivers of mango than papaya. The iceberg lettuce was a cheap substitute for green beans... Even though, a lot of places use a cabbage leaf as a cup for the salad. I think they used chopped iceberg so whities will know this is in fact a "salad".  It's not spicy and a little fish sauce was detected. It's a wet boring salad and because it is fusion, I will give it borderline acceptable.

White Elephant, homemade chicken soup, handmade white noodles, chicken, scallions, caramelized shallots. Country: Laos. It sounded more interesting than it looked. It's like an Asian version of a cheekan noodle soup. The noodles were pretty good but the broth felt manufactured with a little doctoring up from the kitchen to make it taste homemade for hours. It's not a bad bowl of noodle soup, it's just kinda a snoozer. It will do the job with the big portion but it's boring as fuck. Doctor it up yourself with all the condiments they have... Spicier the better!

Master Shifu Noodles, slow braised short ribs, carrots, onions, yellow potatoes, wide rice noodles. Country: China. What is this, beef stew? I started scanning the kitchen racks for cans of Dinty Moore... Luckily, none was spotted. Can't mistake this tomato based stew. Let's mix this up a bit.

Master mess of noodles after mixing it up. This is a heavy heavy dish. But they definitely don't skimp on the goodies. There were chunks and chunks of tender short ribs, bunch of veggies and a heaping bowl of wide rice noodles on the bottom. You will not leave hungry after eating this and 2 other dishes in one sitting, I promise.

I can see why this place is a hit with the local inhabitants... It's cutesy and playful and it's ethnic to them, something they don't see much around here. Their demographics are what you would expect... Students, families and pseudo-hipsters. The menu descriptions were designed well to catch your attention to the authenticity of the grub from around Asia... And the people were eating this shit up. While it's not real Asian vittles (far from it), I had no problem trying it once and there was no harm done for the roundeyes trying to eat ramen with a fork... I had a great laugh. This place was entertaining to say the least but there will not be a revisit if I'm back in town.

5 W Broughton St.
Savannah, GA 31401 
912-232-8888
http://www.flywiththemonk.com/ 

Mason Tavern Revisit

So, it's been a few months since my initial visit and this place is still in business... That's a good sign to da pouch. I always forget about this place because it's basically in the back corner of this strip mall and if you were gonna come to this strip mall it would usually be for Community Q's tasty bbq. But one day this place popped up on the pouch's radar like a built in alarm clock for another visit. Let's see if anything has changed for better or worse...
The joint still looks the same but I did notice that the bartenders weren't using those giant 12" fireplace matches for each drink. Good, they took that bit of advice. It was so absurd to me but they thought it was so cool. Screw the matches, what about the food...

Piggy Mac n Cheese, aged white cheddar, braised pork belly, crispy cracklin. Totally different from the last time. It's a bigger portion but there were very few porky bits in there. It still tasted pretty good but if you call it a piggy mac, make sure there is a good bit of piggy in there. Still acceptable, though.

Poutine, cheese curds, pork neck gravy. This is new on the menu and of course, being a fatso, I had to check their version out. Pork neck gravy got me but seriously, will anyone be really able to tell if it was made from pork necks? Fuck no. There was barely any gravy and the curds melted all in the center. I like the cubes of curds sprinkled around all the fries so you can tell it was curds. The fries were pretty decent but it seemed they were pre-fried and sitting in a hotel pan waiting for an order, top it with gravy and curds and tossed in a salamander for a minute. The really good poutine is when the fries are made fresh and crackling hot with oil still bubbling then topped off with gravy and curds and the heat from the fries will melt the curds. That is the right way to do it. But this was acceptable.

Crispy Chicken Wings, sesame, honey, sambal, scallions. That sauce pooling on the bottom of the plate is really wet was my first impression. But luckily the wings were well tossed and coasted in that sauce. The sauce was just ok, you get the sweet and a tiny bit of heat with each bite but a lot more heat would do this more justice. The wings were fine, crispy on the outside but a little dry on the inside... As if they were precooked and then flash fried. I would prolly not get these again... Wings have to be made to order. Period.

Tavern Burger, house blend short rib, brisket, chuck. This burger didn't look like the burger from before. It look smaller and generic. It kinda looks like the Hamburglar. The bun was ok but it needed to be buttered and toasted. The pickles placed on the barely melt single serve slice of American cheese looked like two coins waiting for the ferryman to come take me to IBS hell. Ok, it wasn't that bad but it's funny as shit. The patty was to temp, mid rare, but it was pretty thin and lame in flavor/seasoning. You got that nice blend of cuts but it was almost flavorless from the thin patty... Maybe the Hamburglar took the other patty that was supposed to be on there, too? The onion rings were not worth the extra dollar up charge, oversized onion rings with heavy thick bready batter. They may look crispy on the outside but after one bite they were just mushy on the inside. Giant onion rings are just for show, they suck everywhere that has them.

Spiced Cauliflower. Is this a joke? Flash fried florets then tossed with a spice mixture and wrapped in a pita... This was not worth the price of admission. It was just awful. Even vegans would be like fuck no. The generous amount of slaw to make up for the crappy cauli-wrap was ok. Awful dish.

Fish Taco. They said the fish is fried, so we asked for grilled to see if they could cook it. Yes was the answer which was nice but these fish taco were so pedestrian and lackluster. It just looks old, like it has been sitting out for hours. Maybe that's why they prefer to fry the fish, anything is good battered and fried and wrapped inside a tortilla... Even a turd. But I don't think this would be good even if it was deep fried, the entire thing. Skip it.

Cuban. You gotta have giant fucking balls to put a Cuban sando on a menu... If you do, you're just asking to be criticized. The bread is first and foremost the most important thing in a Cuban, if you don't get that right, everything else will be shit. Here's what the Cuban is made up of- slow roasted pork, black forest ham, house pickles, swiss, mustard, pressed hoagie roll... Everything sounded pretty good until the hoagie roll... Hoagie roll? Don't ever fucking say you use a hoagie roll for a Cuban, that's just insulting. At least spell it Joagie. I gotta check this out. First, it wasn't even pressed fully, shit was falling out the sides, the Swiss cheese was barely melt, the pork and ham was pretty decent but that bread... It lacked that all important crunch on the outside. It was so soft on the outside it might as well be steamed. As a sandwich alone this would be ok but when you label it a Cuban, this was no where close to it. For $12, I can get almost two and a half real Cuban sandos from Pan American Bakery. Skip this and just to PAB instead.

Overall, the place looks the same but there are a few tweaks on the menu... Not all of them for the better. The kitchen feels sloppy to me, like now it's just a job to put out food, no passion, no attention to details, as if it was just a fancy fast food joint with booze. Maybe it was just tonight, maybe it's just me or maybe it's business as usual with Concentrics managing the place. I just don't feel the vibe here for a chef driven menu, it reads more like a generic casual pub menu. There's nothing on the menu that is different, unique, bold or adventurous which was something that I expected from a place like this in the beginning... Everything on this menu can be had anywhere. The cocktail menu was just ok but they do have a decent selection of booze if you want it neat. As a nicer local neighborhood watering hole, this joint fits that bill perfectly for a college dudebro to impress a date. Just stick with the apps and small bites, the rest is not really worth the effort. I hope they realize the path they're on before it's too late... Because this place still has potential. A total revamp of the menu and this may have a chance.

1371 Clairmont Rd
Decatur, GA 30033
404-963-2322
http://masontavernatl.com/

The Boiling Crawfish

This place looks like Spongebob's house on the outside and the Krusty Krab on the inside... Too bad the Krabby Patty was not on the menu. While the outside still looks like every other joint that has graced the space before it, the inside has become the ultimate FOB hangout... Who ever designed the interior had a fucking ball doing it. It is filled with an overkill of cheesy Gilligan's Island style nautical themes with Asian night club music and neon lights. There's these modern futuristic style white chairs that were so out of the theme of the place at the bar which turns out not be a bar at all, but just a display area for the beers they have. They have no hard booze... But this joint wouldn't be anyone's first choice to be asking for a cocktail. The service was really bad with only two teenaged servers working the floor as you can imagine but given that they have been opened for only a couple of weeks, I can understand that mess... But what I don't understand is why they would seat you at a table with no menus? The server/host person just walked off and didn't come back for like 10 minzies and then had the balls to ask "do you know what you like to order?". Shit, I would still be playing Tetris on my phone right now if I didn't ask for some menus... I literally forgot that I was inside a restaurant while waiting for her to come back and when she did, I asked her if this was restaurant and if they served food... She had a look of total confusion. Just like when she got off the boat... Wait, I don't think she ever got off this pineapple boat.
Even though, I'm busting their balls about the joint, I kinda liked the really gaudy decor... A lot of things don't make sense in here. Like why did I walk in here and why they would pipe the loud music feed from one of their cell phones and let it keep going while the phone gets an AMBER ALERT. Are you fucking shitting me? You are seriously gonna let that Amber Alert message play over and over and over again on the speakers at full blast? I'm bringing all my dates here next time, nothing says hot steamy sex like an Amber Alert at 100 decibels to get the broads wet between their crabby legs... Speaking of crab legs, let's see if it's sea worthy.

Combination Bucket of Sea Crap. So, the combo bucket is a mix of sea creastures, but they ran out of blue crab tonight which made them totally confused on what to do. I said, why don't you just substitute the blue crab with something else? I don't care what, just something so I can sample a bunch of shit without having to order everything a la carte and get fucked up the ass on the check. She broke down in a state of absolute confusion and panic. She went to the back to see if they would and could accommodate this simple request. Luckily, they did and she was truly relieved that she didn't have to make up some story about their cost-benefit analysis on why they can't make a substitute. This bucket had a nice sampler of snow crab, shrimp, mussels, corn on the cob, red taters and sausage. Also comes with a few options for seasonings (I got the everything- Cajun, Garlic Spread, Lemon Pepper) and 3 spicy levels (I tested the medium, there was something called "FIYAHH!"- sounds like a war cry in some desert sand language).

This was the after math (or birth) from the bucket of sea creastures and the boxes of fried crap. They give you gloves and a bib which was nice. The sea food thingers in the bucket were barely acceptable. The snow crab legs were so soft as it were sitting in a hot seasoned bath for hours, the shell bent like cheap plastic and the flesh just didn't tasted all that fresh. The shrimp were decent but the mussels were just rubbery. The red taters and corn were as expected, average. Thank God I got the sampler bucket because if it was a la carte for each item I woulda had some interesting words for them.

Fried Shrimp Box. I liked the whole fried shrimp... The heads were the best part. The sweet tater fries were just ok, thick batter/crust and a bit undercooked tater inside. They were more just for filler. The skrimpz were the star of this box.

Fried Oyster Box. Is this a joke? There's like 3 or 4 oysters in here and the rest all fries... Wait, I asked for regular potato fries and they gave me the damn sweet tater fries, again. I had my fill of that thick battered fries from the shrimp box. The oysters were nicely coated with corn meal but they fried it for so long that it was too crunchy on the outside and dried out on the inside. I would skip these and stick with the shrimp but the calamari sounded interesting to try out if there's a next time.

Paella, rice, clam, mussel, shrim. Yes, that's on the menu... Shrim. I think it's in the krill family. This is not paella, not even close. It was basically a hybrid of box dirty rice mix and fried rice from a slutty Chino dump with one clam, one mussel and one shrim in it. Don't even waste your time with this.

The elusive menu... It's quite short and simple. The best part was that all the cups, boxes, bibs, etc said "The Boiling Crab" instead of Crawfish... They musta bought out all the excess inventory for pennies on the dollar when the Boiling Crab closed down. It is such a FOB thing to do... Crab, crawfish, close enough. They also had an oyster menu but don't expect them to have a full inventory of all the oysters listed... There were 3 different ones available but I had to cancel that order after I had already finished the other food because they were so backed up to even shuck 6 oysters. I assume they only had 2 cooks in the back just like they had 2 servers in the front. Why do restos like this always spend so much money on the decor but so little on the human resources... It's like they don't want to spend money on people because they think they can do it all themselves or just an overwhelmed skeleton crew.

A mix of dirty seafood shack and gaudy ginzo night club with neon lights... FOBulous!

There's been a bunch of crawfish joints opening up on Buford Hwy recently and I kinda like it. This town needs more hands on seafood joints. This place may be fun to look at on the inside but they still need a lot of work on the service and the execution in the kitchen. The prices aren't cheap on the shellfish but the fried shit was average, so you better start to deliver the goods before y'all become another statistic at this semi-cursed location... Come to think of it, a Krusty Krab would kill it here.

5412 Buford Hwy NE 
Doraville, GA 30340
770-559-5839

Breaded Pouch

The Pouch has been eating way too much gluten lately just to see if it can get in on this trendy hipster condition. Instead of a Porsche or a fancy Ducati motorcycle, for my mid-life crisis I wanted to buy myself a hip and trendy 'disease'... Everyone's doing it, I want to be cool, too. I want in, now. Gluten free, nah, gluten please! So, as if I'm not already fat enough, I slammed down ever more carbs and gluten heavy snacks recently... Let's see if I can have a heart attack from all these glutenous goodies...

Pig-N-Chik BBQ.

Sliced Brisket Sando, brunswick stew, smoked wings. Look at them thick Texas style slices of white bread. Pillows of gluten between pretty much chopped up brisket even though I asked for sliced. Some pieces were chunkier than others from my initial inspection, the brisket was a bit dry but the smoke was decent. The portion I had revealed very little bark. The sauces they had were just ok, the vinegar was way to thin, the mustard tasted funky and the regular sauce was pretty sweet and thick... Luckily, they had jars of different hot sauces on the counter. The smoked wings can be had by the piece for 70 cent each, they had a nice crackly thin shellac skin and the meat was tender and fell off the bone pretty easily, pretty decent wings. But the Brunswick stew was a mess, way too watery and lacked the binder of tomato paste and BBQ sauce to pull all the meaty chunky bits together and not sitting at the bottom. I squeezed a few squirts of the regular BBQ sauce in there and it turned out better.

Pulled Pork Sando, fried okra. Aah, more thick cut bread and breading on the okra. The okra was freezer brown bag style but there was plenty of gluten to be had. The pulled pork had some really nice bark and burnt ends with pretty good flavor. I do like that the thick pieces of pork was hand pulled and chopped.

Banana Pudding. I don't know if there's gluten in box vanilla pudding and banana slices but I'm pretty sure Moon Pies have gluten. Gluten lunch mission completed.


Hop's Chicken.

Hot Chicken. I am such a sucker. Sucked into getting the hot chicken because I was bored waiting on Super Pan to make my order... Hot cheekan is one of my weaknesses. This $6 hot cheekan sando looked ok right after unwrapping it. This gluten on gluten sando had a good spicy dark color on the exposed part initially. Let's take off the wig...

Lifted the toupee and this is what it looked like... Very disappointing like seeing Brad Pitt bald after taking off his hat. Looks like the staff got a little hungry and teared off the best part of the hot chicken.. The spicy gluten filled crust. The glutenous bun was buttery and toasted nicely, the chicken as a chicken only was ok but as a hot chicken, this failed miserably. 

Fried chicken, thigh, leg, wing. I got suckered in again... I can't just order one thing. A hot cheekan sando is just not enough... Gluten. I had to get the damn fwied cheekan with gluten bits encasing each piece. The pieces are still pretty small but on this visit yielded an acceptable fried chicken product. The light crust was present all around on every piece unlike the bald pieces I had last time. The chicken was seasoned well, the grease factor was toned down and overall, it's becoming a decent product but definitely not one of the top fried chicken in this town. I finally found out that they do pressure fry the chicken as I had suspected on my initially visit.. Guess they are making some progress on mastering that pressure fryer, maybe with some help from a stolen KFC operations manual. Some people are comparing this to Gus's... I must say Gus's will beat Hop's any day, any week and any month of the year... For the time being.


El Super Pan.

Cubano Mixto. Pan Cubano, Cuban roasted pork, ham, salami, yellow mustard, pickles, swiss cheese. It's like a fat gluten log. This is prolly the most expensive Cuban I have had in this town. The quality is good overall and the flavors were nice but Pan American Bakery destroys this in taste and for the price of only $5. But I'm happy about this gluten portion.

Pan de Jamon y Queso. Spanish foccacia, Serrano ham, manchego, almond-date spread, arugula, piquillo agridulce. Look at that side shot of the thick glutenous bread ends. The meat and veg to bread ratio is pretty thin. The bread is pretty nice but the filler was pretty much standard issue where you can find similar quality almost anywhere for cheaper... But I was here for the gluten and was happy about that.


Colonnade.

Fried Chicken Livers. It's like a plate of thick fried flour. The best fried chicken livers intown, period. The batter/crust mix is ultra crispy which helps balance out the liver flavor that some many find disgusting. Shit, they don't know what they're missing out in their measly vegan lives... Dericious fried gluten nuggets. 

Chocolate Cake. Housemade daily (supposedly). It's rich, creamy and fatty. No one on a diet comes here to eat.. Unless you're on a minimal gluten diet from the thin crust on the bottom of this beast. 

Moscow Mule. They can't make a cocktail worth a shit but you're paying for the ambiance and company here at the bar... The library 'books and shelves' wall paper is still a classic. There's prolly gluten in the drink from all the fried cheekan liver crumbs I dropped in there.


Publix.

Fried Chicken, mixed. I went to Publix to get stuff to make a salad but I always do a drive-by through the deli section just to smell it... The freshly made batch that just came fresh out of the fryer was calling to me... Over the PA system that my gluten order was ready. I guess I'm skipping that salad... Again. There is nothing better in this entire joint than their fwied cheekan... I don't know how they do it but their cheekan is some of the best found anywhere. The medium thick crust is ultra crispy and full of rich gluten, the flesh juicy, hot and tender and it's also seasoned very well... All you need is hot sauce and your fingers and your life is complete... At least for the night. Don't forget the little tiny nuggets of fried gluten crispies that falls off and settles at the bottom of the box.


DiGiorno's.

Cheese Stuffed Crust Supreme Pizza. Fuck delivery... Give me another cocktail and turn on the convection full blast. Shit dude, look at this glutenous beast... I must admit this doesn't look halfass bad when fullass drunk. It was caked in gluten and had cheese in the crust. This was pure perversion and depravity at it's ultimate form. I ate it and it was decent to the best of my recollection but I still didn't develop any gluten conditions after consuming all this bready stuff this week. I guess I'm not cool enough to have a condition like every millennial these days... And I'm still fat.

Burp.