Popeyes Istanbul

There is absolutely nothing better than waking up in the morning and finding this in your inbox... Talk about morning wood. You ladies know what I'm talking about. Listen, it's never too early for sexual innuendos and fwied chicken.

So, my friend, Alison Bitner, sent me this from the Istanbul Airport. For all you rednecks that's in Turkey... The country not Butterball. Just the thought or hearing the word, "Popeyes", makes me feel kinda funny in my pants. I roll down the window every time I drive by a Popeyes just to get a whiff of that chicken crack. I think I just jizzed in my pants.

(It's... Glorious!)

Popeyes is loved by all around the globe... Chicken brings peace and harmony, sometimes it comes with bones and thugs, too. Fuck that, they should still get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Now... Where's my big piece of chicken?!

4 Stars? Most likely.

Popeyes
Istanbul Airport, Turkey
Call the operator for assistance.

Umaido - Spicy Level 100 Ramen Challenge

I love spicy food. No, I really fucking love spicy food. I have yet met anyone who is willing to eat some spicy ass shit with me... Or any cuisine that has taken me down with insane heat. I have sent back Thai Hot dishes because it was as spicy as ice cubes... Not once but three times one time at an undisclosed location and all they did was put more Sambal Oelek or Sriracha in it, bullshit. How about Indian and Sichuan? Ditto, bitches... I eat that shit for a snack before I go spelunking in an active volcano.

Bricklane in eVill, NYC supposedly has the the sickest Phaal dish that is made up of 8,000 chili's including the infamous Ghost chili (970,000 Scoville Units). My brother did the Phaal Challenge and he laughed at it like Sloth laughing at Chunk eating a Baybee Ruth... Suffice to say, I scratched that off my list since my brah finds Twizzlers too spicy. But I will try it one day... When penguins fly or mebbe tonight, which ever comes first.

Anyhoo, back to Umaido... I've been to this place when it opened a long time ago because I heard they have a super spicy ramen (level 3... Wooooo, I'm so scared, level 3) which was a joke and haven't been back since their new Spicy Level 100 Ramen Challenge. Oh, don't get me wrong, their Ramen is good, real tastee but don't PR a level 100 when it's more like sub-level 100. Btw- It's just too far to drive for acceptable ramen, hit up Yakitori Jinbei or Shoya, they are closer to town and satisfies any ramen needs.

Ok, here's the deal... Eat an entire bowl (including broth) of Level 100 Spicy Ramen within 7 minzies and it's yours free, pic up on the wall with your time and get 10% off on any ramen hence forth (or mebbe the entire check, who knows, who cares).

(Level 100 Spicy Ramen Challenge - Look at that rich thick ass reddish poo in a bowl.)

(Emptied one bowl in 4:41 minutes and filled another in 30 seconds.)

So, how was it? Overall, the temperature was not boiling hot, more like tepid to me. The spicy level 100 was a mockery, I was expecting and wanting something just shy of magma to make me cry and sweat like David Dinkins at a press conference. Didn't happen. But it was tastee nonetheless.

As fast as I inhale the noodles and junk in the bowl into my piehole, the broth proved a little more challenging... It got thicker and greasier at the end. My hands did shake a little lifting the last few spoonfuls of broth to my mouth. Once, I completed it in a respectable 4:41 minutes... I shoulda let my stomach settle a little before attempting to speak. But I didn't and I hurled a mouthful back into the bowl. Yeah, yum... But that's part of the business. The problem is that you force so much volume in such a short period into your stomach before it really has a chance to expand and it has nowhere else to go except back out.

It was fun but I don't think I would do it again unless someone is willing to pay me to do it, but I'll take a BJ in the bathroom.

PS- I give props to the people who completed the 4 bowl challenge in 20 minutes. If you do it in 5 minutes, you get free ramen for 6 months! Fucking radical!

PPS- Walked over to Super H and got me a box of KFC from Toreore. I can't say no to chicken, like Pooky can't say no to crack. Chicken crack.

3 Stars.

2790 Lawrenceville Suwanee Rd
Suwanee, GA 30024

(678) 318-8568

www.umaidos.com

Katz's Delicatessen

Yeah, yeah... I know. Who hasn't been to Katz's? Your mom took me here in 1980 and popped my cherry... And ever since, every time I see your mom she reminds me of Katz's cow tongue and pastrami... BTW- Tell her I got her pickle right here.

Anyhoo, have you seen their menu? Where the fuck do you start at Katz's? There is just too much yummie shit in here. Grab a stub when you walk in and go to the first available guy behind the counter and order your shit quick. Because NY'er's don't have patience for you fucking tourists asking if Meg Ryan jizzed in that chair over there. Come here, I got your horseradish sauce right here.

(Da house that pouch built)

Walking on E. Houston towards Katz's is like going home... Hey Ma, what's for dinnah?

Pastrami on Rye - You can't get any more NYC than this beast. Shit is so friggin' G O O D. I could eat this everyday but I would look like Dom DeLuise (RIP- Rest In Pouch). They also give you a shitload of assorted pickles, too.

I also got the sliced tongue and that shit is good as well... Like everything in here. Just being in here and breathing in the air brings me back to 1888. Yeah, I'm that old, so what... So's your mutha. F U.

Burp.

4 Stars.

205 E Houston St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-2246

www.katzdeli.com

Pulino's Bar & Pizzeria

So, I made a quick trip here to grab some 'Za before heading over to Katz's for lunch... What? It's just a snack.

Pulino's received some major hype all over the intertubes before and when they opened. So, I waited awhile to hit that shit... And I'm glad I did because, it was mildly crowded during an awesome end of summer-ish day. Sat outside to check out the runway chippies that stroll this area... Nothing goes better together than eye candy and food porn.

Let's take a gander shall we...

A can't miss... (Big red sign and awning like a Baboon's ass)

Pork Belly - It's a recurring theme for me... If I see it on the menu, I order it. Look at that thing... It's glorious! Crispy, greasy and tender... Just like your (insert word here).

Mussels - A hefty serving of unbearded bi-valves. Snatch, slurp, munch a bunch and wipe your mouth. Repeat. Comes with toasted buttery bwead.

Funghi 'Za - Mushrooms, tomato, mozzarella, pancetta + grana. Crust was thin and cracker like, not too shabby at all but I like a little more bounce to my dough. I also don't like how they cut them into squares, shoulda told them slices.

Marinara 'Za - Tomato, garlic + oregano. Simplicity at it's best. Also, that my sister doesn't eat cheese. It was a pleasant experiment. Not that it will be on my table next time. Ditto on the crust and square cuts.

Still a lot more to explore on the menu like the porchetta and silly cheeseburger (limit of 30 per night) from an Eyetalian noshery. This joint is more happening at night since it's a see and be seen kinda crib. I come here just to booze, nibble a little and squeeze some models' ass-bones.

PS- the bathroom kicks ass.

3 Stars.

282 Bowery
New York, NY 10012
(212) 226-1966

www.pulinosny.com

Yakiniku West

There aren't many places in the world that holds so many great culinary destinations like NYC does... Discovered or undiscovered by the mass media. Not that there's anything wrong with the big name resto tourist traps for the trust fund rednecks that move up to the big city and claiming themselves New Yorkers. Eating at Per Se, Eleven Madison Park, The Mark, etc etc does not define the true definition of NYC's food scene... It's the small mom & pop shops that does. I have eaten my fair share of fancy pants fine dining in NYC but to me, it's the street foods and smaller establishments that defines you as a true NY'er. Because NY'ers are fucking insane and we like to eat crazy ass shit. These fucking weekend warriors are sheep and as Gordon Gecko says, "Sheep gets slaughtered." Wait a minute, can I get that sashimi style?

Lower Manhattan is where it's at... So many hidden gems. Some so secretive that only a tiny discreet sign marks their location and a camera looking out to see if you fit the profile for entry. It doesn't matter how much money you have, it's all about style. This little "Yakiniku" (grilled meat) joint does it right with style, ingredients and atmosphere... Everything you expect to find in a diversed culinary city. This ain't for tourists.

A tiny little shack (it was 2 levels) in the EVill that held a tastee surprise inside...

Raw Beef Tongue Nigiri- It looks like I was Fronch kissing a cow but it tasted more like Fronch kissing Pamela Anderson on a boat... It was slutty yet classy. Next stop... Wal-Mart for some caviar and water crackers. Damn, that shit was good.

Toro - Even though, I hate seeing fatty tuna pouch chopped up, this was quite delicious if not authentic by the hands of a master sushi chef. Thank baby Jesus, they don't do fucking rolls... Sorry, sooshee connoisseurs... There's always RA Shitshi in Atlanta for your fried avocado cream cheese surimi rolls bathe in hot sweet sauce. The horror, the horror.

Salmon Belly - Alrighty then, I don't usually get salmon but this ain't your run of the mill "Sake"... You can't get any fwesher than this. This joint might not be a fancy schmancy over priced sushi joint for white people but when you're in a town with fish that was alive a couple hours ago... There is no comparison to fish that was flown in from Tsukiji market. Ok, I was kidding about that... It ain't no Sushi Dai but it was fucking awesome nonetheless.

Karaage - Yeah, yeah... You knew this would show up. Fwied chicken, baybee!!! Done the right way with bone in for that extra flava. I could put away a pound of this stuff in my pouch.

Fried Squid Legs - Just another classic Izakaya dish that had to be part of the team. Crispy and tender. Why do I love eating between legs? Shit was not fishy at all like some chicks I've had. Did I say that out loud... No comment.

Ika - Whole raw squid... You can eat that shit raw but I rather grill that bad boy. Oh, man... I want another order. The would look good as bracelets on my wrist... Eating on the run. Anyhoo, this was just simple and delicious with a little lemon and Kewpie.

Look at all that fucking amazing marbled Kobe meat!!! It's... Glorious!

Flame on! (it woulda been cooler if it was with hard wood charcoal... Fuck city ordinances!)

Kobe Short Ribs - The pic doesn't do it justice but believe me... That Kobe mud flap was full of marbling and incredibly fresh deep red color. I even ate it raw... Cooking is for wimps. Naw, I just couldn't wait for it to finish cooking.

Kobe Strip - Not as good as the short rib but it ain't Alpo neither... Marinated and grilled up tender. Wrap that man meat in lettuce and just shove it in your piehole and smile.

A fun little place that is awesome with a small group of friends or just rolling solo. I would be in big twouble if my apartment was on this block... Don't worry, it's on the next block. But shhh, PDT, bitches, PDT... Please Don't Tell.

BTW- Check your fucking shoes at the door... This ain't no Ru Sans.

4 Stars.

218 E 9th St
(between 2nd Ave & 3rd Ave)
New York, NY 10003
Neighborhood: East Village

(212) 979-9238

Deckard's Kitchen & Kegs

For all you people who misses the hibachi joint formerly known as Matsuri in this space, fret not... Some piece of shit Asian Bistro will be going into the old Repast space. But for now you get this new "gastropub" as the staff so excitedly says as if that term was new.

The term "Gastropub" is used up more than the lovely "Candy" whom you can find most nights on Boulevard and North Ave. But if you want a little more consistency, look no further, you got Deckard's right here. She can be your skanky ho any time. I had her 3 times already and mebbe I'll go in for a 4th.

The location is kinda weird for a gastropub/sports bar kinda joint. It's Ponce and no one wants a corporate type of place around here (even though this strip mall is full of them, I hate you Whole Foods). Not saying that it's corporate here (like Taco Mac, wink wink) but you know some big money went behind this venture. The decor is dark wood. The menu is upscale bar food. The drinks are beer and some cocktails. I like it and I don't like it here even though it's rarely packed. It seems like they are still trying to find their target demographics. But who cares what I think... Let's get to the good stuff. Grub.

Scotch Egg - Looked great on paper, tasted like paper on a plate. I like my yolk to be a little runny, hard-boiled is the classic way but I didn't care for the sulfurized edges (sure sign that it wasn't cooled down quick enough, if it was soft-boiled there would be no problem). The sausage wrap was dry, crumbly and bland. I know some like this served cold like revenge but I'm paying for this pal... You can at least flash fry it. Balls.

Pork Tenderloin w/ Brussel Sprouts and Bacon - (Off the menu now I think) Precooked tenderloin and then reheated. Imagine how dry that pizzle would be. They kinda look like door stops when cut on the bias. It was ok, a nice portion but a bit chewy. The sprouts were cooked properly, maplely sweet and toothy, but the bacon cubes (lardon) were overcooked and black as night. Oink.

Farmhouse Ham & Cheese - My eyes almost bugged out when I saw this. Cheese is melted on top of the bread... Just like a croque-monsieur! Self: My hands are gonna get gweezy here. It's not bad, decent size sandwich but I like cheese touching my meat. Mebbe they can flipped it next time. Who knows. The onions rings were undercooked to the point that there were raw flour/batter clumps when you bite into it. Yum. Do I swallow it or do I snort it? They did redo them... A couple more times. Fail.

On the house dessert thingy - Pistachio ice cream with some brownie brick and frozen raspberries. I'm not a dessert/pastry person so 1 bite and I'm done. It was cute. Yelpers woulda love this, it was free.

House Made Gravy Fries - (No pic) Were very crispy and nicely prepared with a sharp peppery gravy to dip your sticks in to. Me likey.

Their claim to fame in their minds are the steam kettle cooked dishes such as shrimp & grit, beef goulash, mussels and a couple noodle/pasta dishes. Looks interesting for the next time I'm there to actually eat again.

FYI- The menu has changed a bit since opening which is a good sign they are working on creating a better menu with food that people actually want to eat. Good beer list but cocktails are hit or miss... Depending on the schleprock who's slinging dwinks behind the bar. If you don't know what a whiskey old-fashioned is... Put on an apron and rubber gloves and do the dishes.

3 Stars.

650 Ponce De Leon Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 941-3520

www.kitchenandkegs.com/

Empire State South

I've never been to Athens because I'm Asian and they hang people like me up there... But I really wanted to eat at the Five & Ten by Hugh Acheson through the years, never made it. I heard good things about his food and I'm glad he finally opened up a joint in middle of midtown. It's the fancy version of the southern meat and 3 (in this case, 2). So, I compared both menus (a couple of dishes are on both menus) and it seems like Five & Ten's menu has a bit more adventurous dishes... Like the pork cheeks and sweetbreads. I hope with time, he will put more items that you don't see on every friggin' menu around Atlanta.

The space is similar to Miller Union, you know, that cutesy, artsy and rustic style that is as cookie cutter as a kick in the cul de sac in Alpharetta. But it's totally fine and cozy. The thing that I don't get is what the fuck is up with Bocce? Who the fuck played it before all these stupid ass bars started putting in these dirt mounds? Whatever. Old people shit.

Let's get to the food, quick and dirty style (This is during Nick Melvin's 3 week reign)...

Anti Pasta - Devil eggs, tea sandwitches, fancy nuts and semi pickled veggies with some jam thingy. It's cute and all but it was just hunger pains filler. It tastes how it looks in that pic. Not thrilling but nice. $10 is not bad deal... I guess. So is a BJ in the alley on Boulevard.

Simple Fried Chicken - 2 small drums for $8... WTF?! Have you lost your mind? I can get a 9 piece box at Popeyes for $7.99... Do the math. This dish came with some corn kernels on the bottom and tomato pepper jelly that looked like it spilled on top by accident. Crust and meat were just ok. Don't waste your time on this dish.

Pork Belly - Aaah! Finally, something worth the price of admission. It's fucking pork belly, who's gonna complain? Oh, vegans and vage-heads? Screw you, eat the okra then... Duh. BTW- this was a nice composition of a dish. The corn/veg medley actually complimented the pork. Good stuff.

Short Ribs (sides: green beans and sweet potatoes) - If you claim you're a Southern resto, you better know how to do this right. And ESS delivered unlike the fwied chicken... Shit was a nice portion, fork tender and just an all around good piece of meat. The sides were passable but bland and made for pedestrians.

Pork Chops (sides: mac n cheese, eggplant) - Why on Earth would you serve two thin cuts of chops? Leave it whole, please... Because that shit was over-cooked, tough and chewy. And I asked for a little pink on the inside (which they totally disregard)... Kinda like my broads. Mac n cheez was ok, didn't give me a blood flow. The eggplant was decent but once again, the sides needed seasoning... Nothing more boring than limp dick food. C'mon, the menu ain't that complicated... Season your food at least.

Hummingbird Cake - I never even heard of this cake before but it tasted like a carrot cake, it even looks like one. I'm not a big dessert/pastry person, so, two bites just about does it for me. It was ok... Kinda like eating room temperature butter. They should serve this with bread.

It is a nice addition to midtown and the parking is easy even though you would think it would be a bitch since ATL's new street parking laws were made by a monkey. Service was good despite the fact that people were complaining about that online, glad they listened and fixed the problem. The food needs work but maybe it will get better with a to be named veteran (Ryan Smith) from Eugene and Holeman & Finch. But I still hate that fucking Bocce and everything that it stands for... Which is taking up valuable space and played by old wimmen with elbow skin faces. Who can eat looking at that shit?

Squeal squeal squeal!

3 Stars.

999 Peachtree Street
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 541-1105

www.empirestatesouth.com

Pollo Campero

If you ever see a chicken in Western Wear crossing the street, I suggest you move the fuck outta his way because he means bidness. Hombre don't play dat... And neither does my pouch when it comes to fried ghetto pigeons.

(Don'tcha just wana kiss that fucker?)

I get goose pimples every time I see that sign of Senor Pollo Campero smiling with his arms wide open... As if he wanted me to embrace his bosom and nibble on his teet. If you want to get the full experience, you have to go to one that is in a Latin area (there's 2 locations, so figure it out)... Nothing says authentic than a room full of cowboy hats, belt buckles bigger than the grill on my car, screaming babies and tortillas on the floor. Fuck yeah!

Let's get to the sombreros and pinatas, shall we...

(Look at that delish poontang, drools)

Fried Chicken - Do y'all remember the look on Vincent's face when he opened up that briefcase in Pulp Fiction? Yeah, well, when I opened that box of chicken, it looked like Pollo Heaven. Shit was not as pretty as Popeyes, but it tasted like a dirty whoreslut with a muffin top and I tore her legs and thighs apart like Mike Tyson in heat... No relation to Tyson chicken. The skin is crispy and thin, the meat was juicy and fucking delicious like your father's mistress.

Black Beans and Rice - Look, it's like ebony and ivory, salt and pepper, Sammy and Dean, me and Stevie are peachy keen. The combination just works, go with it. MLK, Jr. would be crying tears of joy on this union.

Coleslaw - Yeah, it's funny, I know. I got this because every other side contained beans. I know they're supposed to be good for you and all but if I fill that pouch up with too many different types of fiber... Mexican oven, anyone? Shit... Ruffage was aight, stick to what y'all know... Chasing chicken.

Horchata - Tasted like powdered milk and full of HFCS... Another sip and I'll get the IBS. Horsecrapa. I guess I'll have to try the grill chicken next time... Nah, fuck that shit, it's my money and I'll eat what I want to. If Popeyes was across the street, I would be in big twouble, then you will know why this chicken head crossed the road.

Burp.

Squirt.

3 Stars.

5254 Jimmy Carter Blvd
Norcross, GA 30093

(770) 446-5777
www.campero.com/

Deadwood Saloon

I didn't take any pics but imagine if you will, tumbleweeds rolling across the dusty old plains...

Deadwood is aptly named... This shit was as dead as a 60 yr old man's erection. No amount of Viagra can get this shit up. Number of patrons on a Tuesday night, ZERO. (On a previous Friday night, 3. One of them was a possum.) The decor is 99.4% exactly the same as previous tenant except for a couple of six shooters hanging up. I took a run around the entire joint... Looks like they spent about a total of $86.86, about the same amount to renovate a dorm room.

Another smelly college bar is exactly what Atlanta needs... Fuck me, stop the madness already. It's places like this that's holding Atlanta back, it's not Buckhead circa 1997 anymore. Atlanta gets what Atlanta deserves and obviously, it looks like the pedestrians want more crappy college bars to wear their popped collar Polo and khakis finest to get drunk and get laid. Not that there is anything wrong with getting your dick wet... But this place is wrong in so many ways.

Reincarnated from the old Twisted Taco (which was total crap in a basket anyways, no wonder they got out of Dodge) comes this Western theme bar (again), boasting an incredible menu whom's specialty is the (take a guess)... Burgers! Another fucking burger joint. The menu is not even worthy to be spit on. Let's get to the drinks shall we... So, I can get fucked up and not remember where I was the night before. First signs of trouble, no bitters or simple syrup. Just give me whiskey, no, the whole bottle. The bartender was a good sport though, he didn't know how to make drinks besides a vodka and redbull, but he tried to make some classic cocktails like my whiskey old fashioned. Came out like donkey piss but he tried, bravo to him. Stick with beer, that's something the bartender excels in.

It was supposedly "Trivia Night"... It sure was trivial, not a single person in the whole joint, no wonder the bartender/manager/server/one-man-band sent the Trivia dude home early... Like walked in and walked out early. It was pathetic. Then he proceeded to tell me about their famous packed annual events they will be having... Famous? Annual? You have been opened for 2 fucking weeks, I'm not a dumb fucking bimbo. Where did you learn your marketing skills? I hope it wasn't the same PR people hired to open the joint (crickets). At this rate, you might as well drink as much free booze as you can before this place shuts down... Just sayin'.

This is just another temporary stand-in until the next themed bar takes it's place... How about a beach/tiki theme joint next?

The things I go through for my fan.

0 Star.

66 12th St NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 671-4290

deadwoodatlanta.com/

Beijing House

Inside, the closest Super H Mart to town, sits a small food court with some decent bites... Even though there's a variety of Oriental cuisine to be had here, they are all run by Coreans. Not that there is anything wrong with it... But sometimes the food of that specific cuisine they're peddling gets lost in translation.

It's like a like a Mexican cook making sushi (Ru San's) or a Japanese cook making flour tortillas (Taqueria del Sol)... Wait a minute, that's not reality, scratch the Japanese cook at a Mexi joint. What I meant to say is that all this shit may taste eerily like Korean grub... For example, Beijing House. It's Chinese I assume (Beijing is in China, right? I forget.) but the owners are Korean. And the food looks Chinese according to the pictures. But how's it taste? Let's take a looksie...

Ja Jiang Mien - Pre-mash up.

Looks like crap in a bowl...

But tastes like gold. The noodles had just the right amount of tooth to it and the sauce was passable, needed more of that black bean funk. And more meat! I like a meaty noodle every now and then, who doesn't? That's what she said.

That's all I had from Beijing House because I smelled the scent of fried chicken nearby. Ah ha! Found ya!

Next up, was KFC (Korean Fried Chicken) from the Korean grub shack at the very left of the food court, they were offering KFC now (half and whole chicken), so I said why the hell not?

Tis was decent, crispy and crunchy but the batter was a little too thick for my KFC Lips' liking. The meat was juicy yet not greasy. Not thrilling but nice. The chili sauce was good at the beginning but then it peak in about 3 seconds and went down hill after that. I shot the rest of the "chili sauce" in the plastic cup and nothing... No heat whatsoever.

I like this Super H because of the location but the food court is pretty lame compared to the others OTP. But beggars can't be choosers, especially in metro Atlanta.

2 Stars.

6035 Peachtree Rd
Super H Mart Food Court
Doraville, GA 30341