First Watch

This Florida based breakfast/brunch/lunch (BBL) chain has been spreading their eggs across the nation faster than Lindsay Lohan's legs across Hollywood... This franchise might be even sluttier than that redheaded slut but I love me some egg sluts... No, not the ones in L.A., but the ones in my piehole. This breakfast chain has six locations all OTP and now they have one ITP, right in the middle of the new and shiny Decatur Crossing development... This Fuqua project has done wonders to revitalize this run down area of Decatur with new life, energy and rise in property values, even though they pushed out my after Victory bike night snack spot, Church's Cheekan. It's ok, their cheekan wasn't that good anyways but when the pouch is craving a quick cheap cheekan snack, that shit will do... And then I would usually end up crying myself to sleep afterwards for the sin I have committed against Popeyes.
So, I have never ate at this new BBL spot because who the fuck would drive all the way to upstate Atlanta for breakfast grub when you got Home Grown, Folk Art and Waffle House within a few minutes' drive... This place kinda reminds me of Tupelo Honey, they are in the same competitive league vying for that disposable income from the millennial and family crowd. But in this area, it was all gray and blue hairs... Well, at least during my visit. Bless their early bird hearts... Wait, I was eating at the same time they were... Holy shit, my pathetic loser status is now complete. The pouch was eating solo along side with the geri's. But that's ok, I usually buy my friends... I pick them out from the menu and I put them all together in my happy place. Jesus, I sound so pitiful... And lonely. Makes me wanna get Life Alert just to have someone to talk to. Let's take a look who will become a friend or a frenemy on this menu...

Tumeric Lemon Aid (lemon, turmeric, ginger) and Morning Meditation (orange, lemon, turmeric, ginger, agave nectar, beet). Jesus, I swore, the Kool-Aid man will be skating through a wall in the next few minzies... Look at the color of these refreshing beverages, so vibrant and so fake looking. How much HFCS is packed in these "fresh juices"... Took a sip... Damn, they were pretty tasty and packed with flavor even though they looked so processed and manufactured. I'm ok with these pricey breakfast elixirs...

Biscuits & Turkey Sausage Gravy. You can't be a southern breakfast joint if you ain't got a decent B&G... That's like having no rice on the menu at a Chino joint. The turkey sausage gravy seemed like such a cop out to appeal to the millennials and non-porkers. But you need the piggy fat in there for a proper gravy. So, how did this specimen turn out? Not too shabby, The generous amount of turkey sausage gravy was nice but the gravy itself was just acceptable and the biscuit was pretty decent. It's not a bad snack if you want to be healthier but c'mon, look at this thing, there's nothing healthy about it... Just stick with the damn pork sausage for that proper flavor and fat content. 

Millionaire's Bacon, brown sugar, black pepper, cayenne, maple syrup drizzle. This is what I'm talking about, Willis... Four crackling strips of smoked bacon drizzled with syrup. Did it taste like a million dollars? Fuck no, it tasted pretty good but it was kinda overpriced at $4.99.

Croque Madame, ham, tomato, Gruyere, dijonaise, artisan brioche, bechamel, sunnyside up eggs. This thing was huge but obviously, it was mostly bread at first glance. The sunnyside up eggs were spot on, whites cooked through and the yolks sunny and runny. Let's commit seppuku on this creasture and see what comes out...

Ain't a bad looking sando on the inside and it's kinda giving me a blood flow... It's a hefty portion but strangely, I kinda want to motorboat this madame. This sando was so thick there was no way you wrap your filthy hole around this... I resorted to cutting it up into smaller pieces to eat this thing. It was not bad at all... I have had some horrendous versions elsewhere and this easily tops them. I can see how this could be a kickass hangover grub in my near future.

Traditional Breakfast. Those who are not that adventurous should try their 100% guaranteed All American breakfast... It will satisfy even the most discriminating taste so that Brad doesn't have to fill out paperwork or kick 100% of some bald douche's ass since it will never be sent back due to it being a little bit under-cooked. Ok, I'm lying... It's not 100% guaranteed but I'm still gonna have a helluva piss, Hamilton.

Smoked Salmon & Roasted Veggie Frittata, ciabatta toast. A little bit on the thinner side for a frittata but it wasn't bad overall. Not much smoked salmon in there but the veggies made up for it. The ciabatta was kinda hard to chew and the rest of the plate was filled up with the old leafy greens trick. It's a try it once kinda dish and move on... But I'm sure some mook on Yelp will say this is to "die for"... Please do, so I can have your seat.

I know it's just a generic breakfast brunch lunch joint but I kinda like this place, it's clean and sterile and has some character to it... They try to give it that country hip vibe with all the wood accents and edison bulbs but it's just way too clean to mistake this for some genuine hillbilly shack and you can see corporate's fingerprints all over it. This franchise's grub is not bad and the price is pretty much on point for this type of grub for the masses, especially, the gringos... They can't get enough of this type of vittles, just like Panera. There's a lot of options on the menu to choose from and I would prolly go back to try the Elevated Egg Sandwich... I know it ain't gonna be as good as a NYC BEC or LA's eggslut... But the pouch has to try it at least once... And then report back to my one fan with my findings.

2571 Blackmon Drive
Decatur, GA 30033
http://www.firstwatch.com

Wats Crackin Garlic Crab

The pouch was laying on the couch spread eagle scratchin it's one ball through the hole in it's underpants watching What's Happening and wondering what it was gonna have for lunch since Shirley was always serving up something fierce at Rob's Place... Then a Red Lobster commercial came on talking about their crabfest and the pouch instantly knew what it wanted to stuff itself silly with. No, not an unlimited supply of Cheddar Bay biscuits... But a shitload of buttery and garlicky crabs that Rerun, Dwayne and Raj only wishes they can catch. All I could think about now was crabs and more crabs while I continued to stare mindlessly at the boob tube and scuff on my one cheekan oyster. I was in a crab trance... All of the sudden I was pretending that I was on my own sitcom called Wat's Cracken'in and the entire show was about nothing except crabs. Jesus, I really have no fucking life do I? It's pathetic, I know... But fuck it. I got in the pouch mobile and turned on my radio and Major Lazer came on... Shiiiit, I cranked it to 10 because I love this song... Then I remembered the knobs on my Realistic cassette deck player goes to eleven. I was poppin' and lockin' to Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt. Turn around, stick it out, show the world you got a... But mine was more like bubble pouch, bubble, bubble, bubble pouch. Jesus Christ, why am I writing this blog again? Thank god, no one reads this shit...
So, if y'all never heard of Wats Crackin before that's prolly because your parents afforded you a comfortable upbringing with fancy clothes, a fancy house, fancy tastes and imparted upon you with a fancy education at a fancy school and told you to stay away from places like this and pouches like me... It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. This crab shack is located in one of the most sought after neighborhoods in all of Atlanta if you are a member of the Crips or Bloods... MS-13 has been trying for years to get into this exclusive stretch of Candler Road, but discrimination, hate and intolerance is obviously still alive and well in 2017.
The parking is pretty small and there's always that one mook that blocks the exit to the one way circle parking lot. I got there before noon and the shit was out the door around to the back. Like with the Soup Nazi, be prepared to wait on line just to get in the door and then wait some more to put in your order at the window. The waiting room is kinda scary and silent... As if there was a seance in progress. I know people were in deep thought and waiting in anticipation to rip open that bag-o-crabs and dig in when they get home. I was totally in sync with them as well... But it was just too eerily quiet like a hospital waiting room, it kinda reminded me of that stint I had at Bedlam... I'm not crazy I swear, I just got on the wrong short bus. Nevermind that, we got some serious crabs to scratch and sniff up in this piece...

No rocket science degree needed here to decipher this hieroglyph... Just an appetite the size of a blackhole... Or da pouch. They just raised their prices by 25% in May but for the amount of food you get it's still kinda worth it. This menu snapshot was before they raised the prices.

Snow Crab Combo vs. Blue Crab Plate vs. Crab Cake.
So, it took about 48 minzies from start to finish to get my to go order... The bag was so heavy, I had to change hands at least 4 times walking to my car, my fingers were bright red just like my cousin Vicki's from stirring the Kool-Aid at the family picnic. The two styrofoam boxes in the double plastic bags weighed like 15 pounds, no fucking joke... You know how the handles of the plastic bags start to cut off the circulation to your fingers because the shit inside it was too heavy and you have to switch hands like every 20 seconds? For a minute there, I thought I got fucked again like that time I bought a brand new PS2 from a van in the Aldi's parking lot and all I got was a wet phone book wrapped in plastic bags when I opened it at home. Please don't be wet newspaper in those boxes... I just had that for dinner on Tuesday night. Got home, spread that shit out on newspapers because it was dripping with grease and garlicky butter and it was like opening Marsellus Wallace's briefcase... Warm rays of golden butter beams hit my face. No, for reals, the pool of butter in the boxes literally splashed up all over my face when I opened it. Make sure you put a good amount of newspapers or cardboard underneath the boxes because it's gonna get messy.

Snow Crab Combo. The combos come with shrimp, too. But look at that beast... It is fucking piled high and wide. Shit was falling out everywhere once you open the box... I don't know why I started singing dick in a box when I saw the sausage... But where's the goddamn snow crabs?

Blue Crab Plate. It is ridiculous the amount of food they can fit inside that normal sized take out box. This crab party had so much potatoes and sausages that I wanted to call some girls to come over... But I couldn't find a copy of the Creative Loafing for the back page personal ads... Nor could I find the blue crabs. Pity party for one... Shit, if this is gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my pouch in the mashed potatoes! 

Excavated exhibits... Once, you have separated all the chunks of taters, sausage, shrimp and corn... The fucking crabs are finally revealed in all their glory. Ok, let's start with the redhead stepchild first... The crab cake. It was average size I guess... Oh snap, that's what she said. It was soggy from being inside a sandwich baggie and it had a lot of filler in it. For $4, I guess you get what you paid for, it was kind of a sad specimen... So, skip it and stick with what they do best. I paid $20 for the snow crab combo with shrimp and that is an incredible amount of grub for that money. The blue crab plate was $13 without the shrimp and it's still more than enough to feed 3 people. The huge chunks of taters were seasoned very well and soft on the bite, the big sausage chunks were the standard issued seafood boil varietal, corn cob was as expected and everything was soaked in a massive garlicky butter bath. Make sure you got everything you need before you start this feast- like shell crackers, picks, forks, napkins, a big gulp with a long straw and lots and lots of newspapers to catch the never ending waves of greasy butter. There were about 3 or 3.5 clusters of snow crab which is nuts... And about 3 whole blue crabs cut in half. Seriously, I still don't know how they got so much fucking food in those boxes, it's like goddamn Houdini cooking back there. The snow crabs tasted fine but not ultra fresh and the blue crabs were a bit out of season, not as sweet but still tasty. Overall, it was totally worth it to try it at least once in your measly lifetime... And you will have leftovers, lots of it, so... It's kinda like eating here 2 or 3 times in your measly life.

Some people loves this joint and some people hate it... But one thing's for sure, they are absolutely fucking killing it here. They are constantly busy and they worked hard for it... I'm happy for them and they keep their customers even happier with a pouch full of buttery sea creastures, carbs and tube steaks. This is the type of crabs you don't mind getting on a regular basis... But if you hooked up with a skank on the back pages of the CL, you might want to have your Johnson checked out... Like my daddy says, "Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."

Squirt.

368 Candler Rd SE
Atlanta, GA 30317

Whiskey Bird

We all know that Timone's 'ZA was awful and the demise of that place was not missed by many, ok, maybe except for the hobos that lived fat on the uneaten leftovers that were tossed into the dumpster in disgust. This space was like the red-headed stepchild of the angry chef's empire... It sat empty for a shit long time and no one wanted to buy that pizza concept or take a chance in this cursed space... Until now. Whiskey Bird? I like the name already... I have been waiting for a whiskey joint that served fried cheekan forever. All my wildest dreams were coming true and I didn't even vote for Pedro... That was until I looked over the menu and the first thing that came to mind was... What the fuck is a Hong Kong slider? So, this place is a yakitori joint that is not owned or operated by Asians... O-kaay. This is the strangest roundeye concept this town has ever seen... And I thought the Real Chow Baby was bad... That might be the only time when it's ok to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But I'll still bite... Because there's whiskey and HK fwied cheekan sliders... I was so curious to know what these were since I have never seen them in Hong Kong... Am I missing out on something amazing here?
As usual, the early opening hype gave this new spot a nice buzz with the curious crowds... The bar is average size but the whiskey selection was weak. With a name like that you better bring your A game to the whiskey list and the prices for a pour was a bit overpriced but it was Morningside after all... There's a lot of suckaz to be had. Speaking of suckaz, I got in line and waited around just like an average nobody... Get to live the rest of my visit here like a schnook. Then a spot opened up at the bar and I was a couple feet closer to the party liquors. Just give me a shot of whiskey and a beer and I'll be happy for a bit while I peruse the one page menu. They got a couple of large plates, salads and green stuff but the real draw here was the yakitori and HK sliders... Let's see what kinda mess I can get into here...

Fried Chicken, dill pickle, wb sauce. So, the HK slider was a Chinese steam bun cut in half... Grilling it kinda defeat the purpose of a steamed bun. It became dry, crunchy and hard to chew... As if it was nuked for too long. Tearing it apart with my tooth proved challenging but the fried chicken tender nugget was crispy, seasoned well and pretty tasty overall. The wb sauce was nothing special, basically a sriracha mayo type deal. $6 for a basic fried boneless tender and the dry grilled steam bun does not work in this format. How do you make fried chicken that the pouch won't get again... By calling it a Hong Kong slider with nothing from Hong Kong inside it.

Crispy (cod) Snapper, saltine crust, yuzu caper tartar. They were out of the snapper so they substituted cod in place, not a big deal both fish have similar properties and texture... The young server/runner sprints it over from the pass piping hot which showed a little pep in her step and priority on her part until she spoke... Here's the Hawaiian Tuna she says. I started to laugh... How the fuck could you not? How do you even mix this up with a Hawaiian tuna let alone who the fuck would actually batter and deep fry a piece of tuna? Wait a minzies, am I in Ru San's? This doesn't look like the tempura tuna cream cheese roll I ordered... Or does it? I never had it. So, I tell her this is prolly the crispy cod slider and she's like oh yeah it doesn't look very Hawaiian... Just like this whole place doesn't look very yakitori. Jesus, do they actually interview the prospect before hiring them to interact with paying customers? You know what, I don't care, just keep shaking that tight little ass in those jeans. The cod was crispy as advertised with that saltine crust. Seasoned nicely but that damn crusty unchewable bun ruined it again. Why even waste money on those fancy bamboo sticks when everyone is gonna ditch the dried out bun and eat only the filler... Stop it with the HK slider gimmick, no one is buying it.
 

Al Pastor, braised pork, grilled pineapple salsa, cream. The same sweet young thing server delivers it and says, here's the Peruvian chicken taco... That's twice, now... And I'm thinking to myself, OMG, the amount of material I will have for this post is comedic gold. You can't pay for beat off material like this. I totally wished that I was in that same training meeting with her. I guess anyone could mistake this shredded pork for chicken... I tell her this is prolly the al pastor and she's like are you sure? I didn't have the time nor the energy to engage in a battle of wits with this sexy mental midget, so, I just let it go into serenity now mode and told her, you're right it's totally the Peruvian Cuy... She says I hope you enjoy it. I'm thinking I might need to marry this girl, now, cus she will believe anything you tell her. The taco shell is like a deep fried dumpling skin. The blistering on the shell was pretty much a dead give away. It was a bit too crispy for me as taco shell, it didn't crack or break apart easily, so you kinda struggle with it and the meat filler starts falling out like an old man's sack in short shorts. The al pastor was just ok, it needed more Latino flavor if you're gonna call it an al pastor. The taco was totally edible but it was such a gimmick that once is kinda more than enough. It's nothing that you will be craving the next day to have again.

Hawaiian Tuna, cucumber, mango, avocado cream. I'm waiting for her to open her mouth to see what new undiscovered species I will be noshing on in this taco... She's like I'm pretty sure this is the Hawaiian salmon taco. Pouch, just let it go, let it go... Why yes it is, you are on a roll, little lady! This was one tasteless tuna, how could it be with all that stuff in there... And now, that taco shell is like biting into a CD. Maybe they should just get rid of the plastic shell and put the tuna mix in a rice bowl and add another gimmick on the menu, the salmon poke bowl. My future ex-wife will love telling people about it.
I had enough of these tacos... Let's see if the yakitori is any better...

Sweet Potato, wb sauce, fresh herbs. That damn wb sauce again! Haha, look at that napa cabbage bed, so ridiculous... Looked like it came from a compost bin. Those are the smallest sweet taters I have ever seen. They are the size of my thumb... Does the rule of thumb apply here? Because I want to beat them like a mangy mutt with this stick of midget dicks. This was so average that it actually made my brain numb from the lackluster flavor... I drink and I know things.

Sticky Soy Chicken, roasted garlic, miso. If she tells me that this is tuna again, I will have to run her down in the back alley and make her call me big poucha... Throw your hands in the air, if yous a true player... All I wanna throw in the air was that damn napa shards. C'mon, who's really gonna eat that cabbage. Just plate the sticks on some nice paper or doilies. The chicken nuggets were neither sticky or soy-ey. They tasted like they were dunked in soy sauce and then put on the grill without brushing them any further. There was no sugar content to caramelize them or make them sticky. These were just some plain old chicken bits on a stick. I don't know what that blob was but I assume it was the roasted garlic miso... Or phlegm. This whole thing was so boring that it should be under the kiddie menu.

Charred Octopus, chinese sausage, yuzu kosho aioli. Jesus, I have no words for this specimen... But they did give me extra silly cabbage strings to distract me from focusing on that octopus. Did the octopus use it's defense mechanism to hide itself within an ink cloud... The octopus was small (maybe one and half bites) and over-cooked with excessive char that made it bitter and rubbery....That's exactly what I wanted, to chew on something black and bitter for an extended period of time without protection... Now, I know how Ted Danson felt. Whoopi (like the octopus) is not a looker... But she has boned so many people in Hollywood that you would think she was a hook... Nevermind. I'm so done with sad overpriced pussy... I know I will be crying myself to sleep again tonight.

Pork Belly, ponzu brown butter, asparagus, pearl onion. Look at that mess... And more napa cabbage pubes. Scraped everything off the stick and within that mess led to some tasty pork belly. If it wasn't for the thick layer on fat on it, this too would have been as dried out as everything else on a stick. But it was pretty decent and most importantly it was edible... Except for that green shit. God, you really can't fuck up pork belly no matter how bad your cooking skills are.

There is really nothing Asian about the food... When I hear the word yakitori, I think of exotic meats and offal on a stick like in a back alley izakaya... But all I got was gringorized grub with hints of Asian taint on it. I really wished the menu was better developed, sourced and executed here because it coulda been a really cool concept if it was done right. I'm still mad about the lame ass selection of whiskey they had... That prolly made the food even more disappointing... Wait, I don't think any amount of brown juice coulda made it tasted any better.
I want to like this place because the staff was pretty nice overall but it really needs to revamp the entire menu and make things that represent yakitori better. Or better yet, make this more of a primary drinking establishment with the food as a secondary focus to keep the people here and drink more... Like at a real yakitori-ya/izakaya joint. For now, I'll wait until they get their shit together...

1409-D North Highland Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
https://eatwhiskeybird.com/

Morningside Kitchen Restaurant

Rosebud was a neighborhood resto that succeeded because they had the vibe and energy to bring the locals in... They also had a brief PR shtick with the angry chef/owner who destroyed his paying customers on Twitter about the way they looked or what stupid shit they asked for. It's funny to a point but when you're the owner, that might come back and bite you in the lard ass later on... Their success and enthusiasm led to opening The Family Dog across the street, it had a good concept but the execution was sloppy. But their ego and zeal didn't stop them from over estimating and over extending themselves to opening more and more restos... Timone's put out disgraceful NY style 'ZA and Diner dished out ghastly NY style diner fare. And when the customers and money ran out... So, did their ego and chutzpah. They all quietly shut down one by one and sold off what they could... And then crawled into a corner and cried themselves to sleep... Sounds like a normal weekend for the pouch... God, my life is pathetic when it's put down in words.
With primo locations ripe for the pickin', the old Rosebud space has now become another local neighborhood inspired joint... It was a no brainer for the Murphy's crew to open up shop quickly in an already built out space. The interior layout has remained mostly the same, just a little facelift was all that was needed to erase all remnants of the previous failed business. A couple of friends raved about how good it was, then I looked at the menu... Meh. I was in no rush for a menu that pretty much consisted of standard and generic dishes found anywhere.
Weeks passed and I guess it was time to see what all the fuss was about... I walked in around 9:30 on a recent Friday night thinking that it would be jamming with aging hookers drinking shitty white wine and crying into their wine glass at the bar but to my surprise it was nearly empty... Good, I scored an easy seat at the bar. The server tells me that the kitchen closes at 9:40 but the bar will stay open to 11... What? Come again? The kitchen will shut down in 10 minzies so put in an order if you want food. What the fuck is this malarkey? What resto breaks down the kitchen at 9:40 on a Friday night? Did I walk into a Panera or some shit? And why at 9:40? Is that some resto code that I have never heard of? Since, I already knew the menu, I just put in a few classic dishes that they just can't fuck up... But since, the kitchen crew is scratching their sweaty balls to get the fuck outta dodge in 10 minzies, this might get interesting... Let the fucking hunger games begin.

Jumbo Lump Crab Cake, Bread & Butter Pickle, Remoulade, Shaved Spring Radish Salad. For a ridiculous $18 price tag, that crab better had just crawled into the boat that morning. The crab cake was pretty large so it didn't make me feel like I had been bamboozled. There was a decent amount of lump crab meat in there and not a lot of filler and fluff. It was seasoned well and it had a nice golden brown sear... But I don't know if that was remoulade or someone hocked a loogie next to it. The B&B pickles were MIA.. Unless they were inside the crab cake. While it was pretty good overall, it was still priced a bit higher than it really should be. Decent start, though...

Beef Tartare, Beet Carpaccio, Potato Chips. What the fuck is that... Pink slime? It's like the cow did a farmer's blow on that plate. Is that a freshly plucked eyeball next to it? Why on earth would you put a poached egg on there... Did they get confused with brunch? The meat was unnaturally pink and mushy like finely ground chuck from a plastic tube or a tub of Play-Doh. There was no texture to it, it was more like a spread. So, what do you do with the poached egg? You naturally mix it in and turn it into a clump of gooey meat mash, of course... A mistake that you will prolly regret later on the throne. Let's turn this around to the other side, it might look more appetizing...

Nope, it didn't help. Is thinly sliced boiled beets really considered carpaccio? They were ok but unseasoned. The chips were wonderful, though... The use of fingerling taters is just so adorable and cute... Too bad they break apart too easily when you try to spread on some of that meat spackle. I almost wanted to send that meat puck back to the kitchen to cremate it and spread the ashes in the Chattahoochee. I had no clue what kinda of cut they used for this tartare, it was just too pulverized to even try to guess. I don't mind spending $16 for a nice tartare but I could plate the same exact dish twice with a tube of 80/20 ground beef at Kroger for $2.49.

Wood Grilled Hanger Steak, Tricolor Carrots, Spring Onions, Jerusalem Artichokes, Red Wine Butter. This is like one of the most routinely executed dish on every menu across the nation... There's no way they can fuck this up. It looked good at first glance, like literally seeing something from the corner of your eyeball, then you turn your head fully to see the whole picture... All I could imagine was the dude from The Scream. I almost did a Home Alone when I saw the sauce... Was someone giving blood back there? It almost looked like a melted Cherry Garcia ice cream sauce. That's what happens when you use too much wine and too little weak ass stock/demi-glace. Besides the amateur sauce, the steak itself was cooked pretty much spot on at mid rare. Some will say it was too raw, you don't know what raw is until a great dane dry humps you from behind... Nevermind, that's another story. But why would you hack it up like that after grilling a beautiful piece of manmeat? It's fucking baffling... And it was a hideous presentation. Were they in such a rush to get the fuck outta there that they just used a hatchet? Looking at it now, it really does resemble a hatchet wound, someone get some Neosporin, STAT... Ooof, it almost looked like a girl I dated once... Talk about a raw beaver, woof. All the root veggies were good, a nice variety of colors and textures. Clean up the sauce and the presentation a bit and this would be a top seller.

Kale and Wild Mushroom Risotto, Arugula Pesto. What the fuck is this? Did someone with bad allergies blow their nose on a plate in the kitchen? It's like a mix of boil in a bag rice and Alien saliva... It's a wonder how this didn't burn through the plate... Because it's burning the fuck outta my eyeballs. This was absolutely horrifying and mystifying... Look at this gruel, even Oliver Twist wouldn't ask for more. Did they finger paint on the pesto... Don't touch it, the fingerprints are evidence. How can they put this on the menu and charge money for this... It's obscene. No one can look at this and tell you with a straight face that this looks appetizing... Even on Bizarro world. I took two bites... Once to see if I was dreaming and the other to confirm I was awake. It had the texture of wet rice crispies and it was amazingly bland. The few bits of wild shrooms were good but that was about it on this entire dish. The pesto was exactly not what you want with this 'risotto'... If you mixed this all up you can put it in a bucket and use it for the next episode of Double Dare. Needless to say this was pushed off the table.

The food was pretty much a letdown, the service was decent but the green bartender/millennial had no business being behind the bar. She poured a pre-made draft Old Fashioned and it came up to 1/4 of the glass with a giant ice cube in there... Imagine if there was no ice in there, you might as well just pump a few squirts of the OF from a spray bottle into my mouth and call it day. It was like pulling teeth to get her to fill it halfway and that was even short. Jesus, you're not even making the fucking cocktail (thank god)... But learn how to pour one at least. She was very sweet, though... Innocent and clueless at the same time. She took off the risotto with no fuss but was still trying to sell it like it was Guy Fieri's gift to the world... But then finally admitting that her boyfriend hated it, too. Talking to her was like talking to a vintage cigarette machine, there's lots of knobs and buttons to pull and push on but what comes out may be hazardous to your health. Will this joint be a beloved neighborhood joint? I would think prolly so because there's not much else around walking distance here. And with the Murphy's name attached to this place, they will do fine without the pouch... Just don't open a pizzeria any time soon... Or a diner... Then the pouch will have to get medieval on your ass.

1397 North Highland Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
http://www.morningside-kitchen.com/

B's Cracklin' BBQ

I know my one reader has been clamoring and cursing the pouch to write this shit up... Patience my young pouchawan eater... You'll get nothing and like it. I'll get to it when I get to it... Because when you're a fat fucking marsupial sloth, moving quickly is something that the pouch doesn't do well... That is a luxury only skinny people in Lululemon yoga pants can afford. Plus, this place is in the armpit of Atlanta called the westside. I have to plan this journey like 8 days in advance to this BBQ pit... Based on the reviews, this joint seems to be like a pilgrimage of sorts to the Mecca of smoked manmeats. Basically, everyone has been licking their taint since they opened... Like the useless stretch of skin that the taint is, this BBQ joint is also located on a useless stretch of road that produces an undesirable odor until you pull into their driveway with a cloud of hickory smoke that surrounds you like your grandma's bloomers. The glowing reviews are a good sign that this place is legit but after talking to some BBQ enthusiasts, I will remain neutral until I have tasted the goods.
Walked in and the first thing I got was a big puff of smoke like I was on the set of Friday 4... Puff puff give, Smokey... Shit, if this is gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes! The heavy whiff of smoke was a real good sign of what the product could be... I was getting a major blood flow. Could all these rave reviews be spot on? Who the fuck knows, but I don't trust shit until that shit is in my mouth... Wait, that didn't come out right. Sat at the bar like the fat hooker that I am... Demanding meat to be rammed inside my facehole and pouch. Let's see if their smoked meats are certified, smokified or borderline certifiable.

Peach Mustard, Spicy Vinegar Sauce and the red ketchup bottle is their regular BBQ sauce. They were ok, but I don't really use sauce anyways.

Fried Pickles. Beautiful golden brown color, crispy and crunchy and they were pickled spot on. They were pretty good and kinda addictive until the manmeat sampler came out... Then they were reduced to a red-headed stepchild and forgotten.

Sampler Plate, pork, chicken, ribs, brisket ($4 up charge), mac & cheez, hash & rice, Cracklin cornbread. This was giving me the meat sweats already without even taking a bite... It's a raining manmeat up in this piece. The one day out of the year I wished I wore underpants. My taint was getting moist from these gorgeous looking smoked manmeat. And smoked they were, properly done and pretty tender throughout. The ribs had a nice thin bark on it and the pink smoke ring said it all.. They were teeth pulled off the bone tender but a tad bit dry, as much as I didn't want to I had to use a little sauce to lube it a bit down my gullet. The chicken was smoked and seasoned nicely as well but it was also a tad bit dry... Let's face it, no one really orders the chicken at BBQ joints like this, it's all about the ribs, brisket and pork. The pulled pork was a mix of new and old meat shreds, some were moist and tender while others were stringy and dry and even a bit off on the color... I'm not surprised that they would mix it up but I would have used the older stuff for stews or what not. Speaking of which I was kinda disappointed that they didn't have Brunswick stew... The mac n cheez was not filled with gooey goodness, it was kinda dry and tasteless, the hash and rice was something a little different than what you see on most BBQ menus. It was like a dry Brunswick stew (hash) on top of rice, not bad at all but not something I would order again. I shoulda prolly stuck with the beans and greens. The Cracklin' cornbread was like a flapjack with slivers of pig ears in it... They were hard as fuck to chew and after a few bites I was over it... It mighta been better with bits of crunchy pork rinds/skins in there for that "Cracklin'" factor, maybe they shoulda called it "Chewin' cornbwead" instead. Last but not least... The brisket, well, I'll let the pouch tell y'all about it next...

Brisket, up close and personal. Very smokey, nice bark, a faint smoke ring and pretty tender overall. They coulda trimmed the fat a little bit more at certain spots because they just didn't fully render but it didn't affect the overall end product. The brisket was pretty good but it was also a tad bit dry... Nothing that a little spicy vinegar sauce couldn't fix. But I was wondering what did they do with the drippings... I mean that juice is like the holiest of holy and I love juice from any hole. Any meat dipped or soaked in it's own drippings can turn a regular old piece of meat flap into an amazing piece of man meat. I wished they did that with the brisket and the other meats as well. It wasn't bad in any way, shape or form... It was a very nice specimen of what a smoked brisket should be but all I can think of was how much better it woulda been with the drippings.

Banana Pudding. If they got it on the menu, it's going into my snout... There's something magical about washing down all that manmeat with a proper banana puddin' rogering... And they did not disappoint. This was a creamy gooey banana pudding with the correct amount of nilla wafers incorporated just right, not too much and not too little, they were also just spot on with the softness of the wafers in there. It's a nice banana pudding... But I gotta say Community Q's BP might still be the best one in the city.

The BBQ here is legit and the service was surprisingly good, it's a great addition to the 'cue scene in this city which is getting better and better every year... But there's still only a handful of time tested BBQ joints that will end up on my regular rotation... This joint is on the bottom of that list which is not bad only because of the shitty location and the meats didn't hit it outta da park for the pouch on this visit. There's no doubt that they know what they are doing and the quality is there, you can smell, see and taste it... I will be back again but next time I will go earlier for the fresher meats that just came out of the smoker. I will report back and hopefully, next time, it will blow my mind... Then I'm going around the corner to get my other brain blown... Zippp... Slap slap squirt.

2061 Main St NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
http://www.bscracklinbbq.com/ 

Smokehouse Pizza

I have been seeing this goddamn Little Caesar's commercial for what seems like months if not years... What the fuck is this shit? I have never eaten a Little Caesar's pizza, ever... Never seemed like a good idea like flying a kite during an electrical storm with your manhood tied to the end of a string with a key dangling off of it as an experiment. This post is almost as absurd as this fucking mook on their new smokehouse 'ZA commercial but I gotta admit, it makes me laugh every time... I mean who the fuck is Big Moe Cason? Is he related to Big Toe Hulka? He's like a pitbull in overalls barking out shit behind a chain linked fence when a sassy poodle walks by... Certified, beefified! Certified, hogafied! Certified, baconfied!  Blah blah blah... It's like a yappy little chihuahua, makes you want to punt it off a bridge or something. Seriously, how fucking annoying is that douche nozzle... And exactly at that moment the fucking commercial comes on... Right on cue. This thing is insane, it looks so ridiculous.
I said to my pannus, we are not gonna eat that thing... Anyone that does should be considered borderline certifiable. Jesus, I may need to go back to my OS (Obesity Society) meetings again... Hello. My name is Flappy Pouchburger. My friends call me Pouch. You might have noticed that, uh, I've got a slight weight problem. Yeah, yeah I do. Yeah, I do. I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallowed a lot of aggression... along with a lot of pizzas!
Speaking of 'ZA... They claim that their new smokehouse pizza contains 8 hour smoked brisket, 10 hour smoked pulled pork and applewood smoked bacon, drizzled with tangy BBQ sauce plus a smokehouse seasoned crust... Certified, smokified!
Jesus, this is the stupidest blog ever... Who reads this shit? Anyone with any common sense just close this tab down, now, before you get cursed. God, I'm such a fucking loser and a failure in life... I can't even run to the mailbox without wheezing. Calgon, take me the fuck away... But then I realized that the pouch has never refused a gastronomical challenge, it has also never let my one reader down... And the pouch ain't gonna start now with this silly creasture. I will accept Little Caesar's heinous monstrous diabolical challenge... 9 for all pouchkind. Yes, this beast was $9... I am so fucked. I can already feel the IBS brewing in the depths of my offal.

Look at this beelzebub... How the fuck do they get it so perfectly round? I mean it's like a perfect circle... Scientists can use this to calibrate their instruments. Why is this spinning? The more I stare at it, the more it looks like it's moving. That is some real Jigsaw horror shit right there... There better not be a doll on a bicycle behind me... Imma skeered. Does it look like someone puked on it? I can't tell... It's like a trailer park version of Jackson Pollock. So many questions.. So little answers.

Close up of the incubus... I'm waiting for it to crawl out of the box. Look closely, it really does have almost three types of mystery meats on there... Give it a few jolts from a 9 volt, test it on your tongue first, it may come back to life. I don't think I have ever waited this long to put something in my facehole... It's fucking scary, yo. I broke a slice off and my fingers were instantly full of grease... Jesus, did they bake this in an old Datsun's oil pan? Why is it so friggin greasy? Still so many questions... I'm gonna have to bite the bullet sooner or later... I'm just waiting to make sure it's fully dead, not mostly dead, but fully dead. Ok, I'm gonna take a bite now... Gonna. Take. A. Bite. Now... Holy shit, it's not bad at all. What the fuck is this? Some type of sorcery? Who baked this 'ZA, Merlin? Took another bite... Why does this taste good to me all of the sudden? Before I knew it, I inhaled 3 slices... I ate 3 slices and don't remember tasting a goddamn thing. And how did 3 hours gone by so fast and now the box is totally empty... And I'm still hungry, WTF? This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy... Now, I feel like jumping into a pool, nekid and ordering a cheeseburger. Oh, wait, it was 4/20 wasn't it? Goddamn it, my taste buds got bamboozled again by that Sativa! I tell ya what, this smokehouse 'ZA, is a gift from god for any cannabis enthusiast... Stay lifted, y'all.

Chili's

After working for 13 hours on a Friday and getting home at 9pm... Sometimes, you just don't want to do jack shit except guzzle a gallon of party liquor and rail a 8 ball to get your groove back... And that's exactly what I did. I kept drankin' and opening different bottles of whiskey and was procrastinating big time on where to eat dinnah. By the time I checked the clock it was after 10pm and many places were breaking down the kitchen already... While I was breaking out the yey. This reduces my options to only a handful of joints in my hood because I didn't want to drive that far for some grub since I was kinda sauced up. Then my uncle called to ask me about some new BBQ joint on the westside and if I ever had the ribs there... That fat bastard fucking loves his ribs. I'm like no, tio, I haven't tried their ribs yet and then he starts singing softly... "I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs... Chili's baby back ribs... BBQ sauce." and click, that mofo hung up just like that. Now, that song will be stuck on repeat in my fat body for the rest of the night... Shit, come to think of it, I have never been to a Chili's. They didn't have that shit in NYC growing up... Do they even have them ITP? It's such a OTP kinda chain joint... Wait, there's one in Lindbergh but fuck that noise, I ain't going anywhere near Wet Willies on a friday night. Let me ask my cybernetic life partner... Alexa, is there a Chili's dump near me? Look in your underpants that whore replies... Touche touche you AI skank... I'm gonna give you a proper rogering later. Come to think of it, there's one in Toco Hills next to the Outback that's open late and not a slutty rainbow slushy frozen drink spot anywhere in sight but there's usually a bunch of little floozies in cheerleading rags licking on the head of their ice cream cones at Bruster's which is hidden in the woods behind Chili's... How fucking convenient. No wonder why their boyfriends bring them here- dense foliage, high skirts, gaudy lipstick, edible undies, dun and dunzo. Fuck, I can't believe I'm going to this joint, I have maintained to stay away for this long, I'm talking decades... But I will, no, I must go and report back for my one reader. And mostly because I'm buzzed off my ass and hungry as fuck right now.
Walked in for first time ever... Ok, this doesn't look that bad... If it was still 1988. Jesus, look at this place... I shoulda worn my acid washed jeans and tight roll those fuckers. It really does look like the commercials from the 90's and the waitresses... Woof. Sat at a booth, they got these tablets you can order from, how modern... I have no clue how to use these except to order drinks, out of all the things on this fucking gadget, I figure out how to get booze... Only if I could get booze out of a stone I would be set for life... But I'm not that lucky. Well, since I'm already here, let's just get it over with... Ooo, the cocktails are really cheap here... Fuck yeah, let's go...

Whiskey Ginger... For 3-fucking-$'s. C'mon, you can't twang your wang for cheaper... Just don't tell them you're Jewish, ok, fine. Speaking of cheap, I have no clue what kinda whiskey they were using but the server said, it's something like Mistor Bourbon.You can't even Google that shit, it's that exclusive or is that elusive... Who cares where it's from, for 3 clams, I'll drink it even if it had a beard on it... Hairy clam is back in style if y'all didn't know. Hey, sweetheart, bring me a cocktail every 10 minutes, if I pass out bring one out every 15 minutes, ok? I'm gonna get fucking lit tonight...

Triple Dipper. Fried pickles, chicken crispers, big mouth bites. This might be the biggest redneck sampler I have ever seen... It's like a buffet at a trailer park... And I'm totally digging it. It was so trashy, I friggin loved it... Totally fits the decor in here. I love how they don't even separate the slider buns, they just basically cooked one rectangular piece of ground beef and slapped it on there, you have to tear it apart like a savage in Deliverance... Squeal like a pig I say! They were nothing special, just plain old mini burgers. The fried pickles were pretty damn decent,though, did I just say that out loud? Fuck it, they were and the triple dipping sauces were not disgusting either, didn't find any nose hairs or flies in there, yay! The chicken tenders were crunchy as fuck but they were kinda dry because they were so skinny... Not terrible just pretty much as expected. This low rent deal-a-meal sampler was actually edible... Almost baffling.

Ultimate Smokehouse Combo. Sounds beefy doesn't it... It almost makes me wanna say "certified, beefified!" I did the $2 up charge for the half rack of house-smoked baby back ribs because that's what my fat bastard uncle would do... And I also wanted to see what all the fuss was about on their famous baby back baby back baby back ribs. This also came with the new smoked bone-In BBQ chicken breast, new jalapeño-cheddar smoked sausage new roasted street corn, homestyle fries, chile-garlic toast and house-made garlic dill pickles. Let's get right to the ribs... They are just covered with BBQ sauce. I get it, that's the only way to hide the reheating technique of the pre-fabbed ribs... Just open the vacuum packed bag, nuke it for a few seconds and toss it on the grill for a little charring and bathe it in sauce... "Certified, grillified!" The shit was so sweet and cloying that after six $3 cocktails didn't even cut through that HFCS wall. The meat was pretty tender though... But that's because it was prolly pre-boiled at the commissary. I have no clue why there's all the fuss about these riblets... It's basically a large bone-in McRib minus the bun. The chicken and sausage was pretty much plebeian spec. The street corn was actually pretty good and the fries were there as a plate filler to give it mass. For under $20, I guess it's worth trying at least once in this measly life. I don't know how they managed to sell this shit for as long as they have and make money doing it... Oh, wait, nevermind... I just remembered where I was. I blacked out for a minzie there. 

I'm glad to find out once and for all that I was missing absolutely nothing in my life with this place and the grub they're slinging... But I tell y'all what... Those fucking $3 cocktails could lure me back to the bar in here... Most likely with a skank that I picked up at Bruster's. C'mon, mama pouch taught me you gotta treat a lady pouchette right with a nice dinnah if you want some action Jackson afterwards... Then you can slay it six ways to Sunday in the foliage behind Bruster's. Now, that's a classy move right there... Eating here on a regular basis, not so much.