Smokehouse Pizza

I have been seeing this goddamn Little Caesar's commercial for what seems like months if not years... What the fuck is this shit? I have never eaten a Little Caesar's pizza, ever... Never seemed like a good idea like flying a kite during an electrical storm with your manhood tied to the end of a string with a key dangling off of it as an experiment. This post is almost as absurd as this fucking mook on their new smokehouse 'ZA commercial but I gotta admit, it makes me laugh every time... I mean who the fuck is Big Moe Cason? Is he related to Big Toe Hulka? He's like a pitbull in overalls barking out shit behind a chain linked fence when a sassy poodle walks by... Certified, beefified! Certified, hogafied! Certified, baconfied!  Blah blah blah... It's like a yappy little chihuahua, makes you want to punt it off a bridge or something. Seriously, how fucking annoying is that douche nozzle... And exactly at that moment the fucking commercial comes on... Right on cue. This thing is insane, it looks so ridiculous.
I said to my pannus, we are not gonna eat that thing... Anyone that does should be considered borderline certifiable. Jesus, I may need to go back to my OS (Obesity Society) meetings again... Hello. My name is Flappy Pouchburger. My friends call me Pouch. You might have noticed that, uh, I've got a slight weight problem. Yeah, yeah I do. Yeah, I do. I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallowed a lot of aggression... along with a lot of pizzas!
Speaking of 'ZA... They claim that their new smokehouse pizza contains 8 hour smoked brisket, 10 hour smoked pulled pork and applewood smoked bacon, drizzled with tangy BBQ sauce plus a smokehouse seasoned crust... Certified, smokified!
Jesus, this is the stupidest blog ever... Who reads this shit? Anyone with any common sense just close this tab down, now, before you get cursed. God, I'm such a fucking loser and a failure in life... I can't even run to the mailbox without wheezing. Calgon, take me the fuck away... But then I realized that the pouch has never refused a gastronomical challenge, it has also never let my one reader down... And the pouch ain't gonna start now with this silly creasture. I will accept Little Caesar's heinous monstrous diabolical challenge... 9 for all pouchkind. Yes, this beast was $9... I am so fucked. I can already feel the IBS brewing in the depths of my offal.

Look at this beelzebub... How the fuck do they get it so perfectly round? I mean it's like a perfect circle... Scientists can use this to calibrate their instruments. Why is this spinning? The more I stare at it, the more it looks like it's moving. That is some real Jigsaw horror shit right there... There better not be a doll on a bicycle behind me... Imma skeered. Does it look like someone puked on it? I can't tell... It's like a trailer park version of Jackson Pollock. So many questions.. So little answers.

Close up of the incubus... I'm waiting for it to crawl out of the box. Look closely, it really does have almost three types of mystery meats on there... Give it a few jolts from a 9 volt, test it on your tongue first, it may come back to life. I don't think I have ever waited this long to put something in my facehole... It's fucking scary, yo. I broke a slice off and my fingers were instantly full of grease... Jesus, did they bake this in an old Datsun's oil pan? Why is it so friggin greasy? Still so many questions... I'm gonna have to bite the bullet sooner or later... I'm just waiting to make sure it's fully dead, not mostly dead, but fully dead. Ok, I'm gonna take a bite now... Gonna. Take. A. Bite. Now... Holy shit, it's not bad at all. What the fuck is this? Some type of sorcery? Who baked this 'ZA, Merlin? Took another bite... Why does this taste good to me all of the sudden? Before I knew it, I inhaled 3 slices... I ate 3 slices and don't remember tasting a goddamn thing. And how did 3 hours gone by so fast and now the box is totally empty... And I'm still hungry, WTF? This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy... Now, I feel like jumping into a pool, nekid and ordering a cheeseburger. Oh, wait, it was 4/20 wasn't it? Goddamn it, my taste buds got bamboozled again by that Sativa! I tell ya what, this smokehouse 'ZA, is a gift from god for any cannabis enthusiast... Stay lifted, y'all.