So, this place birthed from the demise of S&S Cafeteria... Like the phoenix rising out of the ashes of a hobo's dumpster fire under a bridge. The story goes a little something like this... A long time patron was so saddened by their closure because Kroger wanted to expand and millennialize their product mix into the S&S space that he said fuck this noise and opened up his own joint to honor it... And he also hired many of the ex-employees, too. I like his style but will the pouch like his moves in this southern buffet food clone in upstate Tucker... Only one way to find out... Jesus, why did Children of the Corn just started playing in my head movies?
As I was parking the fat mobile, I was mesmerized by the streams of Life Alert toting folks in second hand church gear and Dr. Scholl's footwear funneling into the front door like salmon going up stream to die... Shit, most of these people were not too far from it. I walked in and it was clean and sterile like a funeral home with a sprinkle of floral arrangements, turned the corner and hit the holy grail of steam tables... Come to think of it, some of the patrons wished they had the holy grail here to drink from. The menu is simple and to the point with the classic country noshery items. The Magnolia Plate with a drink for $8.50 is prolly your best bet to sample this middle school cafeteria style gruel. Well, naturally, I have to do two samplings because one deal a meal is just not enough beat off material if I was gonna be eating with the oldies.
Sliding the tray down the line on those metal rails reminded me of my days back at Faber college behind John Blutarsky... Boy, could that fat fuck eat. I could only aspire to his hunky physique and athleticism. The entire system here was efficient and moved quickly. After I got all the shit on the tray and turn the corner to the dining room... I thought I walked into a senior assisted living facility. Did I get on the wrong line? Fuck me, it was dead quiet... Except for the muffled sounds of Poligrip assisted mastication... You can't unhear that unearthly grinding. I grab a seat near the door just in case if there was fire, you do not want to get stuck in the middle of a geriatric stampede... Makes Pamplona look like a child's birthday party. They may move slow but they sure can eat the fuck outta some cafeteria vittles. The staff was ultra nice and they knew all the patrons by name as if they were registered senior caregivers... You can wipe my face but I'll pass on the sponge bath... Unless you turn off the lights and rub the pouch... It's the gas tank to my love machine. Enough of the pouch's sexual prowess, let's take a look at the gumable grub...
When people ask me if I want to do a line... I'm like, this is not the bathroom... The spread looks impressive at first but once you get up close and personal to the sneeze guard window pane, the items looked kinda worn out under all those heat lamps. Keep going down the line... The golden prize is near!
Fried Chicken, Turnip Greens, Broccoli Cheesy Rice. I get to the fried chicken and it looked pretty good. I ask the gal back there what pieces do you get with the Magnolia plate? She's like you will get a lot. I'm like, good mofo because I like cheekan. She gives me a breast quarter and a thigh. I'm like, I can work with that. I get the pre-checkout slip at the end of the line and I see an add-on for like $5, that's more than half the cost of the combo plate... I'm like what the fuck is this, yo? The guy is like you got a half a chicken there, fatty... No, super old dude, there's no leg on there. All I wanted was the Magnolia plate portion, so he takes the small thigh off. I'm like you were gonna charge me five fucking dollars for a pigeon thigh? Lord have mercy! And I got like 5 Amens in the background. Jesus is in da hizzy! For $8.50, the properly portioned Magnolia plate was more than enough food and you get free refills on sweet tea, prune juice or whatever. The fried chicken had a medium thick crust on there and it was quite crispy and the inside was moist and juicy. Not a bad fwied cheekan at all. The turnip greens were bland, unseasoned and tasted like soaked nori sheets. The broc cheezy rice was a lot better but mushy... I get it. All the sides are made to be easily slid into your mouth and swallowed... That's what Blanche Devereaux said.
Chicken Pot Pie, Mac n Cheez, Corn. The cheekan pot pie is made in a giant hotel pan which was not surprising but there just ain't enough crust to go around with each order. They slop down a ton of the creamy filler but not enough crunchy crust which we all know is the best part of a pot pie or pan pie in this case. The filling was actually seasoned nicely, chunky and creamy. The mac n cheese was dry, almost powdery, and totally unseasoned... This was more like dry mac and cheese crumbles, awful... And this was supposed to be a southern joint? The corn mixture was a lot better and seasoned... Maybe they should just throw some cheese crumbles on top with a few squirts of mayo and dust it with cayenne and chili powder and call it a cobless elote... Since, you will never find a corn on the cob in this joint... Or else it will be just a room full of chattering teeth on the floor. The corn bread was acceptable, a little on the dense side but that's because it's been sitting under a heat lamp for lord knows how long.
It's nice that "Mr. Louis" with no prior resto industry experience opened up this joint to pay homage to the shuttered S&S cafe and to give the ex-employees a job so that they don't end up smoking crack under a bridge... But the food was really nothing special here, ok, maybe the fried chicken was pretty decent but this ain't no destination spot with or without said cheekan... They don't want to be. It's simple country cooking and it's cheap and it fills a niche within the blue hair crowd. It ain't hipster, trendy or gluten free... Even Yelpers aren't clawing all over themselves to be the first to review this joint... And that's the way they want this place to be and I'm ok with that... I prolly won't be back anytime soon in the next decade but it ain't gonna hurt their feelings or mine. Lord, bless the food on the table they're about to gum and their hearts.
4450 Hugh Howell Rd #10
Tucker, GA 30084
http://magnoliaroomtucker.com/
2 comments:
Now you have to go back, as the chess and custard pies are incredible, and a steal under 10 bucks...
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Anonymous said -
No he does not have to go back! And he really should mind is language . . .
be respectful, for Heaven's sake! Even if your mother/father did not how to raise you *** You should have gained some common sense over the years.
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