Wats Crackin Garlic Crab

The pouch was laying on the couch spread eagle scratchin it's one ball through the hole in it's underpants watching What's Happening and wondering what it was gonna have for lunch since Shirley was always serving up something fierce at Rob's Place... Then a Red Lobster commercial came on talking about their crabfest and the pouch instantly knew what it wanted to stuff itself silly with. No, not an unlimited supply of Cheddar Bay biscuits... But a shitload of buttery and garlicky crabs that Rerun, Dwayne and Raj only wishes they can catch. All I could think about now was crabs and more crabs while I continued to stare mindlessly at the boob tube and scuff on my one cheekan oyster. I was in a crab trance... All of the sudden I was pretending that I was on my own sitcom called Wat's Cracken'in and the entire show was about nothing except crabs. Jesus, I really have no fucking life do I? It's pathetic, I know... But fuck it. I got in the pouch mobile and turned on my radio and Major Lazer came on... Shiiiit, I cranked it to 10 because I love this song... Then I remembered the knobs on my Realistic cassette deck player goes to eleven. I was poppin' and lockin' to Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt. Turn around, stick it out, show the world you got a... But mine was more like bubble pouch, bubble, bubble, bubble pouch. Jesus Christ, why am I writing this blog again? Thank god, no one reads this shit...
So, if y'all never heard of Wats Crackin before that's prolly because your parents afforded you a comfortable upbringing with fancy clothes, a fancy house, fancy tastes and imparted upon you with a fancy education at a fancy school and told you to stay away from places like this and pouches like me... It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. This crab shack is located in one of the most sought after neighborhoods in all of Atlanta if you are a member of the Crips or Bloods... MS-13 has been trying for years to get into this exclusive stretch of Candler Road, but discrimination, hate and intolerance is obviously still alive and well in 2017.
The parking is pretty small and there's always that one mook that blocks the exit to the one way circle parking lot. I got there before noon and the shit was out the door around to the back. Like with the Soup Nazi, be prepared to wait on line just to get in the door and then wait some more to put in your order at the window. The waiting room is kinda scary and silent... As if there was a seance in progress. I know people were in deep thought and waiting in anticipation to rip open that bag-o-crabs and dig in when they get home. I was totally in sync with them as well... But it was just too eerily quiet like a hospital waiting room, it kinda reminded me of that stint I had at Bedlam... I'm not crazy I swear, I just got on the wrong short bus. Nevermind that, we got some serious crabs to scratch and sniff up in this piece...

No rocket science degree needed here to decipher this hieroglyph... Just an appetite the size of a blackhole... Or da pouch. They just raised their prices by 25% in May but for the amount of food you get it's still kinda worth it. This menu snapshot was before they raised the prices.

Snow Crab Combo vs. Blue Crab Plate vs. Crab Cake.
So, it took about 48 minzies from start to finish to get my to go order... The bag was so heavy, I had to change hands at least 4 times walking to my car, my fingers were bright red just like my cousin Vicki's from stirring the Kool-Aid at the family picnic. The two styrofoam boxes in the double plastic bags weighed like 15 pounds, no fucking joke... You know how the handles of the plastic bags start to cut off the circulation to your fingers because the shit inside it was too heavy and you have to switch hands like every 20 seconds? For a minute there, I thought I got fucked again like that time I bought a brand new PS2 from a van in the Aldi's parking lot and all I got was a wet phone book wrapped in plastic bags when I opened it at home. Please don't be wet newspaper in those boxes... I just had that for dinner on Tuesday night. Got home, spread that shit out on newspapers because it was dripping with grease and garlicky butter and it was like opening Marsellus Wallace's briefcase... Warm rays of golden butter beams hit my face. No, for reals, the pool of butter in the boxes literally splashed up all over my face when I opened it. Make sure you put a good amount of newspapers or cardboard underneath the boxes because it's gonna get messy.

Snow Crab Combo. The combos come with shrimp, too. But look at that beast... It is fucking piled high and wide. Shit was falling out everywhere once you open the box... I don't know why I started singing dick in a box when I saw the sausage... But where's the goddamn snow crabs?

Blue Crab Plate. It is ridiculous the amount of food they can fit inside that normal sized take out box. This crab party had so much potatoes and sausages that I wanted to call some girls to come over... But I couldn't find a copy of the Creative Loafing for the back page personal ads... Nor could I find the blue crabs. Pity party for one... Shit, if this is gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my pouch in the mashed potatoes! 

Excavated exhibits... Once, you have separated all the chunks of taters, sausage, shrimp and corn... The fucking crabs are finally revealed in all their glory. Ok, let's start with the redhead stepchild first... The crab cake. It was average size I guess... Oh snap, that's what she said. It was soggy from being inside a sandwich baggie and it had a lot of filler in it. For $4, I guess you get what you paid for, it was kind of a sad specimen... So, skip it and stick with what they do best. I paid $20 for the snow crab combo with shrimp and that is an incredible amount of grub for that money. The blue crab plate was $13 without the shrimp and it's still more than enough to feed 3 people. The huge chunks of taters were seasoned very well and soft on the bite, the big sausage chunks were the standard issued seafood boil varietal, corn cob was as expected and everything was soaked in a massive garlicky butter bath. Make sure you got everything you need before you start this feast- like shell crackers, picks, forks, napkins, a big gulp with a long straw and lots and lots of newspapers to catch the never ending waves of greasy butter. There were about 3 or 3.5 clusters of snow crab which is nuts... And about 3 whole blue crabs cut in half. Seriously, I still don't know how they got so much fucking food in those boxes, it's like goddamn Houdini cooking back there. The snow crabs tasted fine but not ultra fresh and the blue crabs were a bit out of season, not as sweet but still tasty. Overall, it was totally worth it to try it at least once in your measly lifetime... And you will have leftovers, lots of it, so... It's kinda like eating here 2 or 3 times in your measly life.

Some people loves this joint and some people hate it... But one thing's for sure, they are absolutely fucking killing it here. They are constantly busy and they worked hard for it... I'm happy for them and they keep their customers even happier with a pouch full of buttery sea creastures, carbs and tube steaks. This is the type of crabs you don't mind getting on a regular basis... But if you hooked up with a skank on the back pages of the CL, you might want to have your Johnson checked out... Like my daddy says, "Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."

Squirt.

368 Candler Rd SE
Atlanta, GA 30317