Lan Zhou Ramen

Why is the word ramen even involved with a Chinese joint these days? Yes, ramen was invented by the Chinese but the Japs have basically appropriated it from the Chinos in the 1920's with their obsession with the Chinese noodle soup because it was cheap and filling. This place should really be called Lan Zhou Lai Mein... which means pulled noodle. But then all of the sudden I'm like, wait, I know this name from somewhere... Motherfucking NYC, that's where... There's a joint with the same exact name on East Broadway with the same goddamn painting of the ancient old dudes pulling on their noodles... So many sickos in this world. This place must be a small chain spreading quietly across the east coast... So, they took over the really shitty old Honey Bits Bakery space. I don't even know why anyone would open a wannabe Sweet Hut concept when they are literally almost across the street slaying it on a daily basis non-stop... You ain't taking any market share away from them, you silly motherfuckers... So, they surprisingly closed up shop quietly not long after.
Now, comes a new Chinese hand-pulled noodle joint... They like to say "hond-pulled" instead... Tomato, tomatoe, whatever. If you're still wondering why the word ramen is on their name... Well, supposedly, they thought people where too stupid to figure out that it was a noodle joint, so they put ramen on there so people don't get confused. So fucking stupid, right? I deal with dumb fucks everyday and it makes my pouch boil. But most people don't realize they are morons... How could they? They're fucking idiots... And they definitely don't deserve to eat good food, they're too stupid to know if it tastes good or not.
So, there's other places in this town that does hand pulled noodles, so, how is this different or better... You know what, y'all are right, I don't fucking know. It could be a total shit show with the food here. Just because there's a new place here with the same name up in NYC doesn't mean it's the same owners or food execution... Even if there's an ancient old dude pulling his noodles in the window with a creepy smile on his face in the back. I guess there's only one way to find out... Let's go put some old dude's noodle in my mouth... I think I just threw up a little and I didn't even use two fingers.

Seaweed, peanuts, pickled carrot/radish. A little palate starter dish that was quite decent. The seasoned seaweed and nuts were pretty tasty. The carrot and radish needed more pickling.

Sliced Beef and Ox Tripe in Chili Sauce. When they slapped this down in front of my snout... I started sniffing this immediately and I knew I was in love... It's a heaping pile of offal goodness. Tender slender pieces of tripe and other organ meats that melted in your mouth with a nice little spicy finish. You can add more chili oil from the jar on the table but it's not necessary because all you have to do is just mix it up from the bottom, there's a nice pool of chili sauce sitting underneath all that tripe. This is one of the best versions I have had in this town... Still craving it, now. It's that good.

Kaifeng Steamed Soup Dumplings. This might the first time I have ever seen any Chino joint use the name of the old capital of China in their soup dumps... Most people associate the xiao long bao with Shanghai but Kaifeng is nowhere fucking near Shanghai... But you can find soup dumps in almost every city in China... That's a lot of fucking soupy dumps. Look at these beauties, I poked them with my finger to see if it sloshes around inside and all of them do. The skin is pretty thin which is a test for a good soup dump but the real test is when you suck that juice into your facehole. And these pass the test easily. It's juicy and meaty and the thin wrapper doesn't get all gummy when you inhale that beast whole into your dirty gash. It's a good showing and I'm craving them right now as well... Yeah, that's a good sign when the pouch wants more of everything so far.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. Fuck the Shanghai buns... The real shit is from Shranghai... I can't tell you the exact location of this place on the map but it's prolly on the Bizarro side of China. I don't care if some grotesque monster from Stranger Things made these buns, I will still eat them because they are so fucking good. Look at that specimen, it's a thing of beauty with the thin crepey crust holding all the buns together like some freak with webbed feet. Let's turn this mutant floozy over and check out the odd numbered mams... Up close and personal...

Jesus, Total Recall ain't got nothing on these succulent mammaries and there's five of them not three to suckle on... These buns are fucking dericious. I don't know what it is about these baos but goddamn they're good, it must be that crispy crepe thinger because food always taste better when you get to play with them and I love playing with bouncy juicy round fleshy sacks of meat and soupy goodness inside them. I would order these every time I come here... Just thinking about them is making me moist.

Beef Tendon Hond-Pulled Knife Sliced Noodles. I shit you not these noodles are really hond pulled... I don't know what creasture those honds come from but that's a skilled motherfucker when it comes to making noodles. I fucking love authentic Chinese menus, the typos and fucked up translation is always a laugh riot. But let's get back to this bowl... The tendon was ultra tender, I mean like melt in your fucking disgusting mouth tender. And they were cooked down in a familiar Chinese medicinal herby marinade... It gave it such a nice flavor and finish to it. I wished they gave more of it in that bowl. The knife sliced noodles are some of the best that you will ever put in your filthy piehole in this town... They are like wavy ribbons with a perfect toothy bite to them... So damn guud. Parts of it were thin and others were thicker... It was so fucking addictive because the chew on it was so habit forming and you just want more and more... Then you gotta wash it down with that rich broth full of flavor. Goddamn it, why is this so friggin good... And why did it take this long for them to come down from NYC... I hate you bastards, now, give me another bowl.

Miced Meat Fried Hond-Pulled Noodles. Who doesn't love mice meat... Once it's grounded up those pesky little varmints taste just like pork! I love that the menu shows the basic ingredients: "Onions, Sprouts more". I love surprises like "more"... More of what, who the fuck knows but I want it. It's like a non spicy version of dan dan noodles but guess what... There's a whole jar of chili oil on the table... Dump a few dozen spoonfuls of that shit in this noodle dish and you got yourself a sick ass savory spicy noodle dish with mice meat. I have no problem getting this again but there's so many other options that I will have to try them all and then circle back to this next week.

This joint is fucking legit. There are many many more dishes that I must try up in this piece. But I haven't been this excited about any other new place recently as much as this joint that quietly opened without any PR or marketing... These types of places usually have the best food because they know it and don't have to flaunt it like some NYC gyro joint down the street that kept hyping their slop all over the interwebs which turned out to be total fucking garbage. The entire place was full of slants which was a great sign except for a couple of smelly millennial hippies... They prolly came in here because they missed the bus to Avondale or something. I hate sucking off a place like this so soon because then all the fucking mooks will ruin this for me with their requests for Mongolian beef and moo shoo pork and then get pissy on Yelp because they didn't give the customer what they wanted... Well, if you want those roundeye dishes I know a great little place that just opened up in Oakhurst which is right near Avondale that would be perfect for y'all... And stay the fuck outta this place. Yeah, this place is gross and awful.. Don't come here. The pouch will be the guinea pig and suffer here for mankind and my one fan.

Pump pump... Squirt.

5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340