Billy Jack's BBQ And Shrimp Co.

This space is truly cursed... I lost count on how many restaurants have come and gone. Now, enters a badly needed BBQ joint intown but is it worth it? On first impressions, not really... But let's judge them on their product.

Seeing the giant steel box when you walk in is kinda weird... It's not exactly the best spot to put it because you expect to smell the smoking meats but none were smelt, I don't think it was even on. It's a standard Southern Pride, a smoker that is used mostly throughout Georgia's modern Que shops. The menu is pretty straight forward with the generic BBQ staples and a couple surprises like a Po'boy, fried shrimp and an apple and pork salad. The owner is soft spoken and easy to talk to... Just a sweetheart of a guy. The prices were spot on but portion control and quality were my main concerns. So, I ordered a bunch of shit like the usual fat slob that I am.

(Southern Pride smoker, not too shabby)

Beef Rib - Look at that shit! It was straight from the Flintstone's, it was ginormous. It was decent but woulda been a helluva lot better if it had been smoked lower and slower. It was kinda chewy and had a lot of gristle around the edges. Seemed rushed but still pretty impressive. Who said size doesn't matter? My dog liked the bone in his mouth... Still hungover from Pride, I guess.

Brisket Plate w/ Beans and Mac & Cheez - Texas, we have a problem... Brisket was hacked up and dry, almost beef jerky dry. Obviously, there's no smoke ring or bark to appreciate. Had to drown it in sauce which was unmemorable. The beans tasted canned and the mac was awfully dry. The cheez has left the building. For $9, I suspected as much.

Brunswick Stew - Looks ok, right? Tasted pretty much like at most mediocre Q joints. Nothing fancy, nothing amazing, it was what it was... Plus, not enough Lima beans. Why is it so hard for BBQ joints to make a decent Stew? Fox Bros can do it, what's the problem here, people?

BBQ Shrimp Po'Boy - BBQ sauce on the side, please! I hate soggy fried shrimp... But not even super crispy skrimps can save this boy. I mean, just look at that unfortunate specimen. Wilty iceberg lettuce, torn up roll and a few scrappy sea cockroaches. It was more like a Ho'Bo sammie. Pass.

Other sides that I sampled were the green beans and cole slaw, both acceptable but nothing crave worthy. The green beans were made to order and sauteed... You heard that right, sauteed, as if I was at a Fwanch restowant serving haricot vert. Slaw was not the creamy and sweet kind, more like the wet and damp kind.

They threw in some banana pudding... And I threw it in the rubbish. Why even bother having it on the menu when it shoulda never been on there in the first place. I rather have 10 incredible items than 50 incredibly crappy items, just to fill out the menu. The owner is so nice that you can't be too harsh on them, even though, I was (I'm a firm believer that if you sell something, it better be your best or else you're gonna get smoked)... But I'm willing to give them another shot just because of their attitude, unlike that white trash redneck P. Red's B.B. Que down over yonder in them there parts on Chattahoochee.

I just want to go back to handle another one of their John Holmes beef rib... I like man meat, I'll admit it.

Squeal like a pig, bitches.

2 Stars.

857 Collier Road
Atlanta, GA 30318
404-351-7979

P. Red's B.B. Que

Most of you probably don't remember when Atlanta was a happening town with after hour parties that lasted til noon the next day... There was the infamous Red's that was located right behind this run down crack shack about a decade ago. It must be coincidence because now, that crack shack is the location of a new BBQ joint named Red's. Fuck, how I miss those insane parties.

This area has been kinda reborn and a couple new BBQ joints have popped up (first, Billy Jack's and now, PR's BBQ). From the outside, it looked very promising with all the hickory wood in front, neon signs on the windows and a plane crashing into the roof. On the inside, it had all the makings of a cute and cozy hillbilly Q joint way out in bumblefuck. But we all know that looks can be deceiving.

I walked in, some creastures on my left yell out something in the effect of a salutation, I nod my head and proceeded to ordered a bunch of shit since I already checked out the menu online. Waited for my grub and decided to take some pics of the inside. Not one minute has passed and one of the fat rednecks from Deliverance sneaks up behind me and starts mumbling some fucked up noises in the most creepy way like I'm gonna tie you to a tree and fuck you in the ass. I'm like WTF... I left my gun in the car. Chet from Weird Science then tells me that I can't take pictures because I might steal their idea. I said to him, but this is a franchise. He tells me, we don't do franchise. I tell him, that's not what your website says, there's a franchise button. I just ignored him and waited for my food to go... And snuck a couple more pics in. Fuck him. Take a gander...

(Doesn't look too bad, right?)

(Cute fake hog on the wall behind the counter)

(Dining area w/ crap all over the wall, cool)

Smoked Wings - Not bad but they seemed flash fried and then smoked to give it the illusion that it's been smoked completely. There's no hot sauce except for the hot BBQ sauce which wasn't all that... Kinda crappy to tell the truth. Fox Bro's still has the best real smoked wings, it's obvious.

Combo Plate (3 meats) - Ribs, pulled pork and sliced brisket. This is the make it or break it for this joint. Let's just say this isn't gonna win any contests. It's very generic in the BBQ chain sorta way. Seems like all the meats were boiled/poached ahead of time before going into the smoker. Just like Fat Matt's. It wasn't bad just not great BBQ. Brisket was so moist and had no smoke ring and/or bark. Pulled pork was shredded up meat that coulda came from anywhere. Ribs were chewy and tasted like Liquid Smoke. Ate a few bites of each and into the garbage it went.

Sides - Mac N Cheese, pretty much plain tasting. Kids will love it, though. Collards, cooked down well but pretty much bland and not a hint of pork in it. Brunswick stew, good consistency but nothing you can't find from a can.

I wished this was a hit because it's a good intown location but the owners' attitude really killed it before I even tasted the food. And after I tasted the food, I know I probably won't be heading back. Billy Jack's might be middling in the food department but they are so nice that you feel comfortable going back there without being fucking yelled at. I hate that shit because I'm the type to yell back and that wouldn't be a good thing. Be nice and I'll be nice... I'm paying you not the other way around, fuckers.

But as for now, this place is right down there with Shane's... Because it's a fucking franchise. I had better BBQ in Manhattan last week. But families with screaming spoiled brats will love it.

1 Star.

999 Chattahoochee Ave., NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
404-350-0008
Fax 404-350-8005
www.prsbbq.com

Popeyes Istanbul

There is absolutely nothing better than waking up in the morning and finding this in your inbox... Talk about morning wood. You ladies know what I'm talking about. Listen, it's never too early for sexual innuendos and fwied chicken.

So, my friend, Alison Bitner, sent me this from the Istanbul Airport. For all you rednecks that's in Turkey... The country not Butterball. Just the thought or hearing the word, "Popeyes", makes me feel kinda funny in my pants. I roll down the window every time I drive by a Popeyes just to get a whiff of that chicken crack. I think I just jizzed in my pants.

(It's... Glorious!)

Popeyes is loved by all around the globe... Chicken brings peace and harmony, sometimes it comes with bones and thugs, too. Fuck that, they should still get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Now... Where's my big piece of chicken?!

4 Stars? Most likely.

Popeyes
Istanbul Airport, Turkey
Call the operator for assistance.

Umaido - Spicy Level 100 Ramen Challenge

I love spicy food. No, I really fucking love spicy food. I have yet met anyone who is willing to eat some spicy ass shit with me... Or any cuisine that has taken me down with insane heat. I have sent back Thai Hot dishes because it was as spicy as ice cubes... Not once but three times one time at an undisclosed location and all they did was put more Sambal Oelek or Sriracha in it, bullshit. How about Indian and Sichuan? Ditto, bitches... I eat that shit for a snack before I go spelunking in an active volcano.

Bricklane in eVill, NYC supposedly has the the sickest Phaal dish that is made up of 8,000 chili's including the infamous Ghost chili (970,000 Scoville Units). My brother did the Phaal Challenge and he laughed at it like Sloth laughing at Chunk eating a Baybee Ruth... Suffice to say, I scratched that off my list since my brah finds Twizzlers too spicy. But I will try it one day... When penguins fly or mebbe tonight, which ever comes first.

Anyhoo, back to Umaido... I've been to this place when it opened a long time ago because I heard they have a super spicy ramen (level 3... Wooooo, I'm so scared, level 3) which was a joke and haven't been back since their new Spicy Level 100 Ramen Challenge. Oh, don't get me wrong, their Ramen is good, real tastee but don't PR a level 100 when it's more like sub-level 100. Btw- It's just too far to drive for acceptable ramen, hit up Yakitori Jinbei or Shoya, they are closer to town and satisfies any ramen needs.

Ok, here's the deal... Eat an entire bowl (including broth) of Level 100 Spicy Ramen within 7 minzies and it's yours free, pic up on the wall with your time and get 10% off on any ramen hence forth (or mebbe the entire check, who knows, who cares).

(Level 100 Spicy Ramen Challenge - Look at that rich thick ass reddish poo in a bowl.)

(Emptied one bowl in 4:41 minutes and filled another in 30 seconds.)

So, how was it? Overall, the temperature was not boiling hot, more like tepid to me. The spicy level 100 was a mockery, I was expecting and wanting something just shy of magma to make me cry and sweat like David Dinkins at a press conference. Didn't happen. But it was tastee nonetheless.

As fast as I inhale the noodles and junk in the bowl into my piehole, the broth proved a little more challenging... It got thicker and greasier at the end. My hands did shake a little lifting the last few spoonfuls of broth to my mouth. Once, I completed it in a respectable 4:41 minutes... I shoulda let my stomach settle a little before attempting to speak. But I didn't and I hurled a mouthful back into the bowl. Yeah, yum... But that's part of the business. The problem is that you force so much volume in such a short period into your stomach before it really has a chance to expand and it has nowhere else to go except back out.

It was fun but I don't think I would do it again unless someone is willing to pay me to do it, but I'll take a BJ in the bathroom.

PS- I give props to the people who completed the 4 bowl challenge in 20 minutes. If you do it in 5 minutes, you get free ramen for 6 months! Fucking radical!

PPS- Walked over to Super H and got me a box of KFC from Toreore. I can't say no to chicken, like Pooky can't say no to crack. Chicken crack.

3 Stars.

2790 Lawrenceville Suwanee Rd
Suwanee, GA 30024

(678) 318-8568

www.umaidos.com

Katz's Delicatessen

Yeah, yeah... I know. Who hasn't been to Katz's? Your mom took me here in 1980 and popped my cherry... And ever since, every time I see your mom she reminds me of Katz's cow tongue and pastrami... BTW- Tell her I got her pickle right here.

Anyhoo, have you seen their menu? Where the fuck do you start at Katz's? There is just too much yummie shit in here. Grab a stub when you walk in and go to the first available guy behind the counter and order your shit quick. Because NY'er's don't have patience for you fucking tourists asking if Meg Ryan jizzed in that chair over there. Come here, I got your horseradish sauce right here.

(Da house that pouch built)

Walking on E. Houston towards Katz's is like going home... Hey Ma, what's for dinnah?

Pastrami on Rye - You can't get any more NYC than this beast. Shit is so friggin' G O O D. I could eat this everyday but I would look like Dom DeLuise (RIP- Rest In Pouch). They also give you a shitload of assorted pickles, too.

I also got the sliced tongue and that shit is good as well... Like everything in here. Just being in here and breathing in the air brings me back to 1888. Yeah, I'm that old, so what... So's your mutha. F U.

Burp.

4 Stars.

205 E Houston St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-2246

www.katzdeli.com

Pulino's Bar & Pizzeria

So, I made a quick trip here to grab some 'Za before heading over to Katz's for lunch... What? It's just a snack.

Pulino's received some major hype all over the intertubes before and when they opened. So, I waited awhile to hit that shit... And I'm glad I did because, it was mildly crowded during an awesome end of summer-ish day. Sat outside to check out the runway chippies that stroll this area... Nothing goes better together than eye candy and food porn.

Let's take a gander shall we...

A can't miss... (Big red sign and awning like a Baboon's ass)

Pork Belly - It's a recurring theme for me... If I see it on the menu, I order it. Look at that thing... It's glorious! Crispy, greasy and tender... Just like your (insert word here).

Mussels - A hefty serving of unbearded bi-valves. Snatch, slurp, munch a bunch and wipe your mouth. Repeat. Comes with toasted buttery bwead.

Funghi 'Za - Mushrooms, tomato, mozzarella, pancetta + grana. Crust was thin and cracker like, not too shabby at all but I like a little more bounce to my dough. I also don't like how they cut them into squares, shoulda told them slices.

Marinara 'Za - Tomato, garlic + oregano. Simplicity at it's best. Also, that my sister doesn't eat cheese. It was a pleasant experiment. Not that it will be on my table next time. Ditto on the crust and square cuts.

Still a lot more to explore on the menu like the porchetta and silly cheeseburger (limit of 30 per night) from an Eyetalian noshery. This joint is more happening at night since it's a see and be seen kinda crib. I come here just to booze, nibble a little and squeeze some models' ass-bones.

PS- the bathroom kicks ass.

3 Stars.

282 Bowery
New York, NY 10012
(212) 226-1966

www.pulinosny.com

Yakiniku West

There aren't many places in the world that holds so many great culinary destinations like NYC does... Discovered or undiscovered by the mass media. Not that there's anything wrong with the big name resto tourist traps for the trust fund rednecks that move up to the big city and claiming themselves New Yorkers. Eating at Per Se, Eleven Madison Park, The Mark, etc etc does not define the true definition of NYC's food scene... It's the small mom & pop shops that does. I have eaten my fair share of fancy pants fine dining in NYC but to me, it's the street foods and smaller establishments that defines you as a true NY'er. Because NY'ers are fucking insane and we like to eat crazy ass shit. These fucking weekend warriors are sheep and as Gordon Gecko says, "Sheep gets slaughtered." Wait a minute, can I get that sashimi style?

Lower Manhattan is where it's at... So many hidden gems. Some so secretive that only a tiny discreet sign marks their location and a camera looking out to see if you fit the profile for entry. It doesn't matter how much money you have, it's all about style. This little "Yakiniku" (grilled meat) joint does it right with style, ingredients and atmosphere... Everything you expect to find in a diversed culinary city. This ain't for tourists.

A tiny little shack (it was 2 levels) in the EVill that held a tastee surprise inside...

Raw Beef Tongue Nigiri- It looks like I was Fronch kissing a cow but it tasted more like Fronch kissing Pamela Anderson on a boat... It was slutty yet classy. Next stop... Wal-Mart for some caviar and water crackers. Damn, that shit was good.

Toro - Even though, I hate seeing fatty tuna pouch chopped up, this was quite delicious if not authentic by the hands of a master sushi chef. Thank baby Jesus, they don't do fucking rolls... Sorry, sooshee connoisseurs... There's always RA Shitshi in Atlanta for your fried avocado cream cheese surimi rolls bathe in hot sweet sauce. The horror, the horror.

Salmon Belly - Alrighty then, I don't usually get salmon but this ain't your run of the mill "Sake"... You can't get any fwesher than this. This joint might not be a fancy schmancy over priced sushi joint for white people but when you're in a town with fish that was alive a couple hours ago... There is no comparison to fish that was flown in from Tsukiji market. Ok, I was kidding about that... It ain't no Sushi Dai but it was fucking awesome nonetheless.

Karaage - Yeah, yeah... You knew this would show up. Fwied chicken, baybee!!! Done the right way with bone in for that extra flava. I could put away a pound of this stuff in my pouch.

Fried Squid Legs - Just another classic Izakaya dish that had to be part of the team. Crispy and tender. Why do I love eating between legs? Shit was not fishy at all like some chicks I've had. Did I say that out loud... No comment.

Ika - Whole raw squid... You can eat that shit raw but I rather grill that bad boy. Oh, man... I want another order. The would look good as bracelets on my wrist... Eating on the run. Anyhoo, this was just simple and delicious with a little lemon and Kewpie.

Look at all that fucking amazing marbled Kobe meat!!! It's... Glorious!

Flame on! (it woulda been cooler if it was with hard wood charcoal... Fuck city ordinances!)

Kobe Short Ribs - The pic doesn't do it justice but believe me... That Kobe mud flap was full of marbling and incredibly fresh deep red color. I even ate it raw... Cooking is for wimps. Naw, I just couldn't wait for it to finish cooking.

Kobe Strip - Not as good as the short rib but it ain't Alpo neither... Marinated and grilled up tender. Wrap that man meat in lettuce and just shove it in your piehole and smile.

A fun little place that is awesome with a small group of friends or just rolling solo. I would be in big twouble if my apartment was on this block... Don't worry, it's on the next block. But shhh, PDT, bitches, PDT... Please Don't Tell.

BTW- Check your fucking shoes at the door... This ain't no Ru Sans.

4 Stars.

218 E 9th St
(between 2nd Ave & 3rd Ave)
New York, NY 10003
Neighborhood: East Village

(212) 979-9238