Shrimp Basket and Goatfeathers

Is it weird that the title of this post makes me want to play Goodbye Horses on my cassette deck, put on some make up, wrap myself in my grandma's quilt made of back skin from fat chicks, do a tuckey and bend over to place the lotion in the basket? Now, I'm kinda craving a fruit basket. Jesus, I am such a sicko... Let's get back to business...
This joint looks like it belongs in the redneck Riviera and they do have a couple locations in PCB but I was eating at a Shrimp Basket in the arse end of the Florida panhandle... I guess it's better than "living in a Travelodge motel in the arse end of New Jersey.” Vegans like Sinead O'Connor are depressed, psychotic and borderline certifiable because they don't eat meat and seafood as reported in a recent mass study... Especially, fwied cheekan and fwied seafood. Mmm, I see food...  Ok, there's like a million locations of this joint all throughout Florida and Alabama with a handful in Mississippi, Louisiana and Georgia (only 1 in Columbus because it's basically on the Alabama border). I have never eaten here ever, not even once with all those locations around. But somehow I ended up in Destin looking for food (imagine that) and everywhere you looked was all overpriced touristy gimmicky joints with garbage grub... Who has actually eaten at a fucking Margaritaville? Wait, don't answer that, I know who does and that's why they don't sell shirts smaller than a XL.
I was really looking for a place that had Royal Reds, the large red shrimp that is native to these here parts (mostly Alabama), they are sweeter than regular old skrimpz and taste more like lobster, too. Besides at seafood markets where you had to cook them yourselves at home, they are hard to find at restos but I drove past this place and saw a sign that they had them... Turned the fuck around, STAT. Why is there so much fucking traffic around here... Pulled into the parking lot and rushed the fuck in before all the oinkers had a chance to gobbled up all the royal reds. At family-ish places like this, you always have to wait for a table because of all the fucking kids these fat birthers have, but the bar usually have no wait to gain weight at a fry shack. So, naturally, this fat fuck orders more food than the pouch can handle in one sitting... Or can it? Marsupial pouches are known to carry up to 200 times their size... So, I would advise not betting against it.

Jesus Christ, look at this spread, if only his last supper was this divine... He just got some crusty old stale bread and a bot of Two Buck Chuck. Bless his heart. Let's go to the videotape for the play by play...

Fried Crab Claws. Crab claws are fucking pricey anywhere you go but it's like triple the more inland you go. Look at this portion size, it ain't skimpy like my Speedo. These things are addictive and you can eat them non-stop like cheekan wings of the sea floor.

Fried Coconut Shrimp. I don't know why I'm attracted to these white trash skrimpz... Maybe because the coconut makes them more exotic. I tell y'all what, these fuckers are done right here. Ultra crispy and covered in shredded coconut shards. 

Fried Clam Strips. If there's goddamn clam strips on the menu I'm gonna need a taste... Luckily, this place let's you do add ons for like $4, which was a steal just to sample these pearl tongues. They were pretty good, but nothing as craveworthy as Fork In The Road's version. Still a nice little snack.

House Salad. This must be a mistake... Take this away! How dare they insult me with vegan food, it's proven to cause depression and washed up Irish singer baldness. Ok, I did order this, so I didn't feel like such a fat fuck eating all that fried food.

Royal Red Shrimp. I ordered just the shrimp sampler and not the entree but they fucked it up in the kitchen to my benefit... The server brings it over and says, they messed up but here is the entire meal, instead. I'm totally OK with that, bro. These royal reds are so damn good and make sure you always get it with the heads on... Don't be a pussy, the head is the best part... Suck on that head hard and don't let any of the juices escape. I didn't know I gave such good head... The body of the shrimp is just so sweet and tender and a couple of them even had a shit load of roe in there. I wouldn't waste the money on getting the full entree/meal... The red taters are fine but they are just filler... Just like the corn and cole slaw. Stick with just the shrimp and maybe you'll get lucky just like me. Squirt.

Fried Seafood Basket. I just can't stay away from the fried shit because fried shit is so good. This had oysters, whitefish, shrimp, hush puppies, fritters and a stuffed crab... All fucking deep fried, fuck yeah. Upon initial inspection, I didn't see no crab in there but I dug around and found it hiding under that Mount Frysuvius.

There she blows... A whole crab stuffed with a mixture of crab and other fillers but it was tasty as shit... Hell, everything in this basket was tasty as shit. The red beans and rice was ok, a bit runny but not bad. And the cole slaw was acceptable not that I want to waste any pouch space with that stuff.

Why did I not come here earlier? I totally missed out on this fry shack all these years... But now I know where to go for some mighty fine royal reds and fried seafood. It was a nice lunch but the pouch wasn't done yet...

711 US-98
Destin, FL 32541
https://shrimpbasket.com/ 



So, I'm driving back to Seaside and on my way back I see the Goatfeathers market and restaurant and they had a sign that said $7.99 for a dozen oysters. That was the cheapest price I have seen in this area for oysters. So, naturally, I had to stop in... What? I was already here, so why not... Y'all would, too. I just know it.

I just made it in time for their oyster special with 15 minzies to spare... And then their happy hour specials kicked in. Oh, shit, that sounds like trouble for the pouch. I came in for one thing and now, it looks like I will be eating a few more things... Damn you happy hour specials. Let's get back to the oysters... They were the standard gulf oysters, nothing special but not bad either. The shucker in the kitchen was swamped supposedly so he kinda rushed this out because it wasn't as clean as it shoulda been. Lots of shell flakes were in the oysters and some oysters were all mangled up in the shell. They still tasted fine but it ain't fun picking out and spitting out flakes of shells every few seconds. So, the happy hour specials actually came to the rescue... Damn it, I'm such a fat fuck and just can't say no to food.

Fried Green Tomatoes. That's a nice portion of FGTs... Along with that bucket of remoulade spunk. How much fucking mayo does one need? It didn't even taste good but the FGT had a nice cornmeal crust and the tomato had a firm but not raw texture to it... It was a nice FGT but skip the remoulade.

Fried Soft Shell Crab. If you're at a seafood joint, it's prolly a wise choice to get the soft shell crab... Look at this gorgeous specimen. Lightly coated and deep fried. It had great color and crunch to it without compromising the sweet flaky crab inside. Really tasty. Oh, yeah, that is the same remoulade from the FGTs... They use that shit for everything.

Peel and Eat Shrimp. Hey, Pouch, the ocean called... They're running out of shrimp. I couldn't pass up these shrimp from the happy hour special... They looked fresh and plump from the sea... Not the Chattahoochee special you would find at some suspect fish shacks in da ATL. No remoulade this time but some weak cocktail sauce, instead... Extra horseradish, pweez and another cocktail while you're up.

This joint was pretty legit... Maybe I was just happy about being at the right place at the right time with their specials timed perfectly. The oysters coulda been better executed but the other dishes sampled were pretty much spot-on. Eating that much seafood in the span of 2 hours can't be good for anybody... So, I triple down on more seafood and went downstairs to their seafood market and bought another 3 lbs of royal reds to snack on later.

I should start a support group called FFU... Fat Fucks Unite.

Squirt.


3865 W County Hwy 30A
Santa Rosa Beach, FL 32459
https://www.goatfeathersseafood.com/