Longhorn Steakhouse Surprise

I got fucking suckered in again with their "Great American Steak Dinner" commercial... Well, to my discredit, I was drunk as a motherfucker and when I'm in that state, I'm pretty easily persuaded to eat almost anything after pounding a bunch of whiskey and chasing it with tallboys of PBR all day. I got home properly lubed up, plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV and suddenly their commercial comes on... Fuck me. They make that goddamn cheap sirloin cut look so friggin juicy and tasty with all that grease sizzling off of it and it's hard to say no when I wanted some of that inside my pouch. So, I jumped on my Harley and rode zigzag to the nearest one at Toco Hills... It's one of their newest, shiniest and fanciest pants location... Well, shit, I hope so after they burnt down the original low rent structure and rebuilt it with the insurance money.
Walked in and went straight to the bar as if it was muscle memory and got me a couple Montana Mules while I waited for a table to open up so I can spread the Great American Steak Dinner prix fixe meal out in all it's glory. This is gonna be one unforgettable night with the imminent culinary experience to be had... The pouch instincts are never wrong. Let's go to the videotape...

Honey Wheat Bread. Their bread is pretty sizeable and warm and it tears apart easily... Talk about pinching a loaf. You can pretty much just load up on the bread if you just want to drown your sorrows at the bar alone like me. But who can say no the Great American Steak Dinner... It will make the pouch great again!

Spicy Chicken Bites. I really wanted to try their Brand New Beer-Battered Cheese Curds but they were totally out of them... So, I had to resort back to these nuggets. I don't who was cutting the chicken back there but there was no rhyme or reason to the sizes of these chicken pieces... They range from small booger size to almost quartered size pieces that you would feed to an alligator. Are they spicy as advertised? Fuck no. It was sweet and sticky in a poured from a jar of HFCS way. The spicy dipping sauce looked like it came from a catch bucket from the bottom of a sink.

Chili Cheese Fries. Just looking at it gives me instant IBS... This trailer park classic goes down pretty tasty in a low rent way but you don't want to experience it coming out the other end... I did a 2 finger diet right after I got home... Strangely, it came back up looking pretty much the same as it went in. My balloon knot aka bunghole thanked me for the rest of the night.

Caesar Salad. So, I was waiting at the bar for a table and noticed this dude eating a Caesar salad next to me... When they brought out the salad, he literally said, "Where's the dressing?". Bartender is like that's the Caesar salad and the dressing is in there already... The mook goes, "Can I get honey mustard so I can put it on my salad?" The bartender brings over the honey mustard and he proceeds to pour the entire bucket in his Caesar salad... This is their target demographics. Cuckoo, cuckoo.
So, I get my Caesar salad and it looked normal and average when it came out and I started to eat it. But as a force of habit I usually pick at my food and move shit around just to see if I find any other prizes hidden in my food, most of the time I don't find shit, maybe a hair or a larvae but that shit is edible... On this special night, I find this lovely shiny machine bolt at the bottom... It was so sparkly that it felt like Caesar just busted a nut in my eye. My first reaction was, "Shit, I was looking for that type of bolt for my bike!" Then I show it to the server who was very sweet, she tried several times to get the manager to come out to discuss it but she said the manager was just too busy in the kitchen to come out. Shit, if I was the manager, I woulda went out the back door and pretended to be taking out the garbage like 20 times until the customer left the premises. This was a new one for me but it didn't shock and awe me at all... Now, I am expecting my Caesar salad to be served in an old Datsun oil pan on the next visit. Oh, and BTW, Frankenstein called... He wants his neck bolt back.

Renegade Sirloin and Loaded Baked Potato. Their Legendary steaks will make my bowels great again! Look at how much clarified margarine they pour on there to make the manmeat look all juicy and tender. I gotta admit, the temp was spot-on at mid-rare and it was pretty tender overall and seasoned pretty decently, too. But it doesn't have a great steak flavor, it's kinda muted and neutral tasting. I get it, they don't want to offend anyone with a lesser palate with a more savory and elevated piece of meat. I don't have a problem with their steaks here but it seems like every cut kinda taste the same... Maybe that's why it's legendary. I swear if I told a regular here that this was a filet and they ate it, they wouldn't even notice the difference. But the steaks are acceptable in a mass volume kinda way, at least you have the option to order it to temp. The loaded tater is your run of the mill sample that can be had all over town... It's pure pouch filler.

White Chocolate Turtle Cheesecake. Took one bite and I was done... Just so damn sweet and processed tasting. But hey, it's included the Great American Steak Dinner, so why not, fatties.

I do stupid things when I'm liquored up... It's these bad life decisions that are rewarded with nuts and bolts.... It's goddamn karma circling me. I still can't believe that the manager refused to come out but I'm not surprised at all... Does anyone really expect any level of quality control at a chain resto? When I saw the bolt, I kinda chuckled at it, it reminded me of the prize inside a box of Cracker Jack... One would expect them to go through the motions of apologizing, groveling and shit as per the operations manual but I really didn't care if they did or not because it wouldn't have been genuine anyways, the manager not coming out was more genuine on how they felt about fuck ups... And that is that they give no fucks at all... But the server was really nice and attentive. I tweeted the pic of the bolt to them, so, we'll find out how they will respond soon enough.
Overall, it's not a bad deal for $12.99 and it will definitely fill you up... But I don't know how anyone can come here sober and actually had a conversation about this joint as an option. It was more of a knee jerk reaction for me when I'm buzzed and hungry... Come to think of it, I don't think I was even that hungry... I just didn't want the party to end. It's kinda pathetic that I continue my after party at a Longhorn, I guess it's better than crying myself to sleep alone in the dark. Even for a location that is intown, the demographics make it look like it's located in upstate Georgia and they were killing it in here. The tasteless sheeple are making this chain great again! ...Along with da pouch. I guess I could do worse and continued my life's pity party at a Golden Corral.

2892 N Druid Hills Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30329
www.longhornsteakhouse.com