Kula Revolving Sushi Bar

At most Asian restos, Engrish is usually not their strong suit... Especially, with items on their menus. The food might be good but their command on the English translation sucks ass which usually results in hilarity.... Like "King Crap" instead of crab... Which is funny as shit to order it out loud to the server. Kula ain't the first conveyor belt sushi or kaiten zushi to hit Atlanta... But I think they may have misspelled "Revolving" instead of "Revolting". Look, these fast food sooshee joints are a gimmick and they have all tried and failed quietly in the Atlanta market for a reason. I have tried these concepts in Asia before and while they are pretty popular overseas with the millennials, the quality over there is also much much better than here on state side. Kula is a big operation globally so they got their operations pretty much down pat... And the new Doraville location have been packed since the doors opened. Obviously, everybody and their stepmoms want in on the gimmick in the beginning... But how long will they truly last in this town is something only time will tell.
One of the biggest selling points here is the price... $2.25 for every green plate that spins around the room with 2 pieces each or a single piece for the fancier shit like toro, uni, snow crab, etc etc... And then there's other items that can be custom ordered for more money. It all sounds very efficient and you don't even have to talk to anybody throughout this entire process... It's almost like jerking off alone in one of those 25 cent peep show booths. The other crowd luring gimmicks here are the touch screens, the cartoon videos, plate slots that keeps track of how much you ate and the Pokemon style prizes you get if you can endure over eating 15+ plates or more of carnival sooshee... And the masses are packing the joint even if the AC doesn't work, they don't care about eating warm sushi as long as there are like 30 box fans strategically placed around the room like the exhaust fans at a chicken farm. Warm sooshee always make people gassy. I didn't want to deal with all the oinkers so I went real early at 11:30AM and there was already a fucking line out the door and the inside was pretty much full. Shit, I can't wait to dive into this culinary experience...

Jesus, this is like the scene from The Wall with the school kids in the fucked up masks walking lock step into the meat grinder... Except here, they go down into the pouch.

Hokkaido Scallop. The scallop looked good but it was pretty tasteless except for the squirt of Kewpie mayo.

Soy Sake Marinated Tuna. Pretty decent color and it wasn't that bad except you can't taste any of that soy sake marinade.

Garlic Ponzu Salmon. I also got the UMAMI Oil Salmon... Which looked exactly the same as the Garlic Ponzu salmon... Strangely, they both tasted the same with not much flavor of each. The salmon itself was fine and had a decently firm texture and not all mushy. 

Toro. If this was toro, then my uncle is a spider monkey...

Scallop. Just more of the tasteless scallop without the Kewpie mayo.

Conch. Thinly sliced so it wasn't chewy at all but once again... No taste at all but it had a nice texture.

Sweet Shrimp. I have never seen real sweet shrimp this small... Looked more like quickly poached shrimp to give it the illusion that it's a sweet shrimp. Just put it in an ice bath and none will be the wiser.

Uni. What... Da... Fook... Is this? Is that carrot baby food? It tasted like they blended old uni and new uni to get a consistent flavor and texture... Kinda like blending Scotch whisky... Well, no, not really. Skip this carnival slop at all cost.

Inari. Finally, something that tastes like it should... But how hard is this to make, really...

Yellowtail. Hahaha... Stop it. Don't even get me started... It looked more like that nasty escolar garbage fish than yellowtail... Once again, totally tasteless.

Octopus. The second dish that actually tasted like it should. Thinly sliced octopus with a decent texture and bite.

Salmon Belly. There is no difference visually between the other two salmons and this "belly"... There was no way this was the belly. It was so lean and didn't have any fat strips to it at all. I don't know how they can pass this off as salmon belly but this schmuck got suckered in anyways... Well, actually, I knew this wasn't belly but I had to get it in order to take a pic of it... So, I guess I did suckered in to their scam at the end.

Snow Crab. Could this be real snow crab? Only one way to find out... It took me about 4 revolutions to grow enough hair on my sack to pull the trigger on this dish. And... It was real snow crab, I like how they include the shell just to prove the point that they are legit and ain't fucking around. What's also funny was the California rolls where there was a sign that said, "Real Crab"... That might offend some sushi connoisseurs in here that prefer surimi. But how did this snow crab taste? It was bland, as if it had been frozen, defrosted, frozen and defrosted again and again and the flavor of the crab melted away with the moisture on every cycle. Was it awful? No. But it's too tempting not to try it once and now I know not to grab this plate again... Keep moving.

Spider Roll. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a total sucker for a spider roll... Jesus, if I tell my one reader one more time that I am a sucker for this bastard roll, they will prolly jump on the conveyor belt and dive head first into the dishwasher... It was a hefty portion but it was also such a convoluted mess with all that shit and sauce in there that it made taste like trash. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again. But we all knew that I will do it again, prolly...

Soft Shell Crab Tempura. And I fucking did it again... Jesus, look at that breading... $4.20 worth of hard ass tempura. It's like armor plating capable of resisting a 44 mag. It was so goddamn thick. It was like eating a turtle shell trying to get to yum yums inside. Once you break apart that bullet proof vest, the soft shell crab was average at best... It was pretty bland. All that work and risk to oral injuries and no reward to show for it... I couldn't even swallow it all. That's what the server said...  

Tonkotsu Ramen. You order this on the screen and the top conveyor belt delivers it right to your snout. For $5.80, they can't even put the soy egg with the yolk upright. But look at that broth... Holy shit, did they wring a pork fat back over the top of it? There was at least a one inch layer of pure grease. It was so oily that even mixing it all up didn't do shit. It's just one mouthful of oil after another. All that fish I just ate is having a blast riding the oily slides within my bowls.

I flipped the egg over and it was soft boil which was nice but the broth was still ultra oily after mixing it up for 2 minzies. The ramen noodles were thick and doughy. The thin slices of braised pork was ok. But overall, this was not tonkotsu, not even close... It was pretty disgusting. Instant tonkotsu ramen is 10 times better than this slop. Avoid at all costs.

So, after enduring an endless feeding trough of subpar warm sooshee, you get a fucking 5 cent prize for your efforts after relinquishing your hard earned cash. It looked like a Pokemon ball but I think it was supposed to be an apple... And all I got was this tuna roll eraser. This garbage reminds me when Navin Johnson was working at the carnival guessing people's weight, height and sex and they could win a cheap pencil... Ahhh, it's a profit deal! I guess I can use this as a butt plug on my way back home so I don't destroy the seats in my car.

This joint is like a goddamn cartoon, a total gimmick... And the sheeple are fucking eating this shit up because it's like a carnival in here and the food is cheap. A lot of the oinkers eating here looked like they were in town early for Dragon Con... And we all know they have the palate of a billy goat or a Klingon. I don't know if the sushi was supposed to be served that warm or because the AC was not working properly but either way, it's not winning me back for a return visit any time soon. And don't be surprised if the AC is still out of order when y'all go. Ok, was this the worse sushi I have eaten? No, but the fish was so one note, average and pedestrian that you're better off just going to H Mart next door and pick up a couple of boxes of their sushi... The quality is at least 3 times better and they have real uni, too. But I gotta admit that this joint would be good to bring people who had never had sushi before (sushi virgins), this could be their gateway drug to harder and better sushi. 

6035 Peachtree Blvd
Doraville, GA 30360
http://kulausa.com/