Kula Revolving Sushi Bar

At most Asian restos, Engrish is usually not their strong suit... Especially, with items on their menus. The food might be good but their command on the English translation sucks ass which usually results in hilarity.... Like "King Crap" instead of crab... Which is funny as shit to order it out loud to the server. Kula ain't the first conveyor belt sushi or kaiten zushi to hit Atlanta... But I think they may have misspelled "Revolving" instead of "Revolting". Look, these fast food sooshee joints are a gimmick and they have all tried and failed quietly in the Atlanta market for a reason. I have tried these concepts in Asia before and while they are pretty popular overseas with the millennials, the quality over there is also much much better than here on state side. Kula is a big operation globally so they got their operations pretty much down pat... And the new Doraville location have been packed since the doors opened. Obviously, everybody and their stepmoms want in on the gimmick in the beginning... But how long will they truly last in this town is something only time will tell.
One of the biggest selling points here is the price... $2.25 for every green plate that spins around the room with 2 pieces each or a single piece for the fancier shit like toro, uni, snow crab, etc etc... And then there's other items that can be custom ordered for more money. It all sounds very efficient and you don't even have to talk to anybody throughout this entire process... It's almost like jerking off alone in one of those 25 cent peep show booths. The other crowd luring gimmicks here are the touch screens, the cartoon videos, plate slots that keeps track of how much you ate and the Pokemon style prizes you get if you can endure over eating 15+ plates or more of carnival sooshee... And the masses are packing the joint even if the AC doesn't work, they don't care about eating warm sushi as long as there are like 30 box fans strategically placed around the room like the exhaust fans at a chicken farm. Warm sooshee always make people gassy. I didn't want to deal with all the oinkers so I went real early at 11:30AM and there was already a fucking line out the door and the inside was pretty much full. Shit, I can't wait to dive into this culinary experience...

Jesus, this is like the scene from The Wall with the school kids in the fucked up masks walking lock step into the meat grinder... Except here, they go down into the pouch.

Hokkaido Scallop. The scallop looked good but it was pretty tasteless except for the squirt of Kewpie mayo.

Soy Sake Marinated Tuna. Pretty decent color and it wasn't that bad except you can't taste any of that soy sake marinade.

Garlic Ponzu Salmon. I also got the UMAMI Oil Salmon... Which looked exactly the same as the Garlic Ponzu salmon... Strangely, they both tasted the same with not much flavor of each. The salmon itself was fine and had a decently firm texture and not all mushy. 

Toro. If this was toro, then my uncle is a spider monkey...

Scallop. Just more of the tasteless scallop without the Kewpie mayo.

Conch. Thinly sliced so it wasn't chewy at all but once again... No taste at all but it had a nice texture.

Sweet Shrimp. I have never seen real sweet shrimp this small... Looked more like quickly poached shrimp to give it the illusion that it's a sweet shrimp. Just put it in an ice bath and none will be the wiser.

Uni. What... Da... Fook... Is this? Is that carrot baby food? It tasted like they blended old uni and new uni to get a consistent flavor and texture... Kinda like blending Scotch whisky... Well, no, not really. Skip this carnival slop at all cost.

Inari. Finally, something that tastes like it should... But how hard is this to make, really...

Yellowtail. Hahaha... Stop it. Don't even get me started... It looked more like that nasty escolar garbage fish than yellowtail... Once again, totally tasteless.

Octopus. The second dish that actually tasted like it should. Thinly sliced octopus with a decent texture and bite.

Salmon Belly. There is no difference visually between the other two salmons and this "belly"... There was no way this was the belly. It was so lean and didn't have any fat strips to it at all. I don't know how they can pass this off as salmon belly but this schmuck got suckered in anyways... Well, actually, I knew this wasn't belly but I had to get it in order to take a pic of it... So, I guess I did suckered in to their scam at the end.

Snow Crab. Could this be real snow crab? Only one way to find out... It took me about 4 revolutions to grow enough hair on my sack to pull the trigger on this dish. And... It was real snow crab, I like how they include the shell just to prove the point that they are legit and ain't fucking around. What's also funny was the California rolls where there was a sign that said, "Real Crab"... That might offend some sushi connoisseurs in here that prefer surimi. But how did this snow crab taste? It was bland, as if it had been frozen, defrosted, frozen and defrosted again and again and the flavor of the crab melted away with the moisture on every cycle. Was it awful? No. But it's too tempting not to try it once and now I know not to grab this plate again... Keep moving.

Spider Roll. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a total sucker for a spider roll... Jesus, if I tell my one reader one more time that I am a sucker for this bastard roll, they will prolly jump on the conveyor belt and dive head first into the dishwasher... It was a hefty portion but it was also such a convoluted mess with all that shit and sauce in there that it made taste like trash. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again. But we all knew that I will do it again, prolly...

Soft Shell Crab Tempura. And I fucking did it again... Jesus, look at that breading... $4.20 worth of hard ass tempura. It's like armor plating capable of resisting a 44 mag. It was so goddamn thick. It was like eating a turtle shell trying to get to yum yums inside. Once you break apart that bullet proof vest, the soft shell crab was average at best... It was pretty bland. All that work and risk to oral injuries and no reward to show for it... I couldn't even swallow it all. That's what the server said...  

Tonkotsu Ramen. You order this on the screen and the top conveyor belt delivers it right to your snout. For $5.80, they can't even put the soy egg with the yolk upright. But look at that broth... Holy shit, did they wring a pork fat back over the top of it? There was at least a one inch layer of pure grease. It was so oily that even mixing it all up didn't do shit. It's just one mouthful of oil after another. All that fish I just ate is having a blast riding the oily slides within my bowls.

I flipped the egg over and it was soft boil which was nice but the broth was still ultra oily after mixing it up for 2 minzies. The ramen noodles were thick and doughy. The thin slices of braised pork was ok. But overall, this was not tonkotsu, not even close... It was pretty disgusting. Instant tonkotsu ramen is 10 times better than this slop. Avoid at all costs.

So, after enduring an endless feeding trough of subpar warm sooshee, you get a fucking 5 cent prize for your efforts after relinquishing your hard earned cash. It looked like a Pokemon ball but I think it was supposed to be an apple... And all I got was this tuna roll eraser. This garbage reminds me when Navin Johnson was working at the carnival guessing people's weight, height and sex and they could win a cheap pencil... Ahhh, it's a profit deal! I guess I can use this as a butt plug on my way back home so I don't destroy the seats in my car.

This joint is like a goddamn cartoon, a total gimmick... And the sheeple are fucking eating this shit up because it's like a carnival in here and the food is cheap. A lot of the oinkers eating here looked like they were in town early for Dragon Con... And we all know they have the palate of a billy goat or a Klingon. I don't know if the sushi was supposed to be served that warm or because the AC was not working properly but either way, it's not winning me back for a return visit any time soon. And don't be surprised if the AC is still out of order when y'all go. Ok, was this the worse sushi I have eaten? No, but the fish was so one note, average and pedestrian that you're better off just going to H Mart next door and pick up a couple of boxes of their sushi... The quality is at least 3 times better and they have real uni, too. But I gotta admit that this joint would be good to bring people who had never had sushi before (sushi virgins), this could be their gateway drug to harder and better sushi. 

6035 Peachtree Blvd
Doraville, GA 30360
http://kulausa.com/

Krispy Krunchy Chicken

If y'all haven't heard... The Pouch really likes fwied cheekan. That fat fuck eats like a whole family bucket on a weekly basis. If it grew feathers it could prolly work part-time as a fwied cheekan delivery drone for Popeyes... But don't be surprised if a piece or two might be missing from your order, let's just called that the "Pouch's Share".
So, my entire fan base of one knows how much I love Popeyes but there was a recent Thrillist article that claimed, "Krispy Krunchy Chicken's perfectly seasoned and juicy pieces might be the most underrated item in fast food today." I have seen these little chicken shacks within a store (usually located in all gas stations) before but never gave it a second glance because the people working there were filthy looking and always scratching their balls. Also, nothing is ever on the racks in those heated cases. Both Popeyes and KKC share one thing in common, they are both doing Cajun-style chicken. So, instead of going to my instinctual cheekan spot like a Pavlovian mutt this weekend... I decided to seek out this "most underrated" cheekan joint. But where the fuck is one intown?
Their website (yeah, I couldn't believe they even had a website) has the locations of every single one in the world and there are a fucking million of them... Of course, I picked the one that is in the middle of the refugee ghetto in Clarkston because I didn't want to go downtown and fight the hobos over my chicken or deal with the traffic going to the one on Ponce and Moreland since I was boozing hard in Decatur. In my tiny mind with ghetto cheekan shacks like these, the nastier the gas station is the better the ghetto pigeon will taste... Well, at least that's what I tell the pouch.
This Texaco in Clarkston was a total shithole (shit, most of Clarkston is like a 3rd world country, you fucking hear howling in the middle of the night and it ain't from dogs or wolves), it looked abandoned and I swore I saw a fucking clown smiling at me through the gutter. Luckily, I was cocked and locked... No, I wasn't getting a blood flow from all the excitement of the Krispy Krunchy Chicken to be had in a few moments but my 1911 was definitely in Condition 1. Walked in and the clerk's cage was surrounded by a 5" thick plated glass... Now, I'm thinking maybe I should have had it in Condition 0. I'm looking around like a giraffe for the cheekan and I finally spotted the KKC kiosk thinger in the back corner, next to the video slot machines where two yuge obeast mossbacks with needle tracks all over their arms were hogging two machines each. Jesus, look at these two fat slobs wasting their lives away playing video poker in a run down gas station... Then I looked into the peel and stick mirror where the cheap sunglasses were and asked myself the same question... Touche, motherfucker, touche.
There was an Indian girl working the cheekan stand and she looked like she did not fucking want to be there at all... Total misery on her face. Jesus, I don't even want to talk to it because she might turn into a fucking vampire and bleed me dry... She would regret that instantly because my BAC was like 90% pure alcohol right now. But fuck it, I'm here already... Like I have said many times before that I would risk life, limb and pouch for some sick ass fried ghetto yardbird.
Let's see what went down at this dump...

The heated display case was nearly empty except for a couple of scraps... I asked the chicken lady if she was making more and she said it will take 15 minutes for a 8 piece dark with an expression of disgust on her face. Why is she so fucking pissed off at the world... I guess I would be too if I worked here... But wait, maybe they were being robbed and I was being that fussy bitch that is demanding for newly fried chicken and fucking up their plans for a quick getaway... I can see the headlines now, "Methheads' Robbery Foiled by Fried Chicken Lips". I could only be so lucky but it turned out that she was just pissed that her parents weren't higher up on the caste system. Speaking of untouchables... I had to wait 15 minzies to get my grubby fat fingaz on that cheekan to see if the rumors were true about them being the most underrated fwied cheekan in all the lands. It finally came out and it was lava fucking hot and I had to let it cool down a bit. So, I rushed it home and put my fat girl's night outfit on and prepared the pouch to consume mass quantities of this ghetto fried pigeon.

Jesus, look at that glorious golden spread... The cheekan smelled great from all the steaming grease vapor which made the bag all soiled with grease spots and that's a good thing. True to their name, the crust and skin is ultra krispy and krunchy and not too thick, just the right amount of crust and crackle. The crust was seasoned pretty well but I don't know if it could be considered Cajun-style. The meat inside was juicy as a horny Catholic school girl riding an excited pony on her 16th birthday. The greasy juices was running down my lips and chin that I had to wipe it with my fingers and then licked it off. Never waste any of the drippings, that's like the nectar sack of the gods. Even when the chicken cooled down the crust didn't steam itself soft, it stay pretty damn crispy the whole way through. The honey biscuits sucked ass, they were doughy in the center and soggy on the outside from all the fake honey drizzle.

The fwied cheekan is pretty legit here but the big question is... Is it better than Popeyes? Fuck no, but it's pretty damn respectable coming from a dumpy gas station. Popeyes' proven recipe and operation for high volume is just too efficient. Would I get KKC again? I would if I was jonesing for a chicken fix in the ghetto or if I'm boozed up. I will have to try another location to see if they are consistent or if my theory is correct about the shittier the location the better the chicken. My one reader will prolly find out this weekend since I'm such a fat bastard for fwied cheekan.

Shrimp Basket and Goatfeathers

Is it weird that the title of this post makes me want to play Goodbye Horses on my cassette deck, put on some make up, wrap myself in my grandma's quilt made of back skin from fat chicks, do a tuckey and bend over to place the lotion in the basket? Now, I'm kinda craving a fruit basket. Jesus, I am such a sicko... Let's get back to business...
This joint looks like it belongs in the redneck Riviera and they do have a couple locations in PCB but I was eating at a Shrimp Basket in the arse end of the Florida panhandle... I guess it's better than "living in a Travelodge motel in the arse end of New Jersey.” Vegans like Sinead O'Connor are depressed, psychotic and borderline certifiable because they don't eat meat and seafood as reported in a recent mass study... Especially, fwied cheekan and fwied seafood. Mmm, I see food...  Ok, there's like a million locations of this joint all throughout Florida and Alabama with a handful in Mississippi, Louisiana and Georgia (only 1 in Columbus because it's basically on the Alabama border). I have never eaten here ever, not even once with all those locations around. But somehow I ended up in Destin looking for food (imagine that) and everywhere you looked was all overpriced touristy gimmicky joints with garbage grub... Who has actually eaten at a fucking Margaritaville? Wait, don't answer that, I know who does and that's why they don't sell shirts smaller than a XL.
I was really looking for a place that had Royal Reds, the large red shrimp that is native to these here parts (mostly Alabama), they are sweeter than regular old skrimpz and taste more like lobster, too. Besides at seafood markets where you had to cook them yourselves at home, they are hard to find at restos but I drove past this place and saw a sign that they had them... Turned the fuck around, STAT. Why is there so much fucking traffic around here... Pulled into the parking lot and rushed the fuck in before all the oinkers had a chance to gobbled up all the royal reds. At family-ish places like this, you always have to wait for a table because of all the fucking kids these fat birthers have, but the bar usually have no wait to gain weight at a fry shack. So, naturally, this fat fuck orders more food than the pouch can handle in one sitting... Or can it? Marsupial pouches are known to carry up to 200 times their size... So, I would advise not betting against it.

Jesus Christ, look at this spread, if only his last supper was this divine... He just got some crusty old stale bread and a bot of Two Buck Chuck. Bless his heart. Let's go to the videotape for the play by play...

Fried Crab Claws. Crab claws are fucking pricey anywhere you go but it's like triple the more inland you go. Look at this portion size, it ain't skimpy like my Speedo. These things are addictive and you can eat them non-stop like cheekan wings of the sea floor.

Fried Coconut Shrimp. I don't know why I'm attracted to these white trash skrimpz... Maybe because the coconut makes them more exotic. I tell y'all what, these fuckers are done right here. Ultra crispy and covered in shredded coconut shards. 

Fried Clam Strips. If there's goddamn clam strips on the menu I'm gonna need a taste... Luckily, this place let's you do add ons for like $4, which was a steal just to sample these pearl tongues. They were pretty good, but nothing as craveworthy as Fork In The Road's version. Still a nice little snack.

House Salad. This must be a mistake... Take this away! How dare they insult me with vegan food, it's proven to cause depression and washed up Irish singer baldness. Ok, I did order this, so I didn't feel like such a fat fuck eating all that fried food.

Royal Red Shrimp. I ordered just the shrimp sampler and not the entree but they fucked it up in the kitchen to my benefit... The server brings it over and says, they messed up but here is the entire meal, instead. I'm totally OK with that, bro. These royal reds are so damn good and make sure you always get it with the heads on... Don't be a pussy, the head is the best part... Suck on that head hard and don't let any of the juices escape. I didn't know I gave such good head... The body of the shrimp is just so sweet and tender and a couple of them even had a shit load of roe in there. I wouldn't waste the money on getting the full entree/meal... The red taters are fine but they are just filler... Just like the corn and cole slaw. Stick with just the shrimp and maybe you'll get lucky just like me. Squirt.

Fried Seafood Basket. I just can't stay away from the fried shit because fried shit is so good. This had oysters, whitefish, shrimp, hush puppies, fritters and a stuffed crab... All fucking deep fried, fuck yeah. Upon initial inspection, I didn't see no crab in there but I dug around and found it hiding under that Mount Frysuvius.

There she blows... A whole crab stuffed with a mixture of crab and other fillers but it was tasty as shit... Hell, everything in this basket was tasty as shit. The red beans and rice was ok, a bit runny but not bad. And the cole slaw was acceptable not that I want to waste any pouch space with that stuff.

Why did I not come here earlier? I totally missed out on this fry shack all these years... But now I know where to go for some mighty fine royal reds and fried seafood. It was a nice lunch but the pouch wasn't done yet...

711 US-98
Destin, FL 32541
https://shrimpbasket.com/ 



So, I'm driving back to Seaside and on my way back I see the Goatfeathers market and restaurant and they had a sign that said $7.99 for a dozen oysters. That was the cheapest price I have seen in this area for oysters. So, naturally, I had to stop in... What? I was already here, so why not... Y'all would, too. I just know it.

I just made it in time for their oyster special with 15 minzies to spare... And then their happy hour specials kicked in. Oh, shit, that sounds like trouble for the pouch. I came in for one thing and now, it looks like I will be eating a few more things... Damn you happy hour specials. Let's get back to the oysters... They were the standard gulf oysters, nothing special but not bad either. The shucker in the kitchen was swamped supposedly so he kinda rushed this out because it wasn't as clean as it shoulda been. Lots of shell flakes were in the oysters and some oysters were all mangled up in the shell. They still tasted fine but it ain't fun picking out and spitting out flakes of shells every few seconds. So, the happy hour specials actually came to the rescue... Damn it, I'm such a fat fuck and just can't say no to food.

Fried Green Tomatoes. That's a nice portion of FGTs... Along with that bucket of remoulade spunk. How much fucking mayo does one need? It didn't even taste good but the FGT had a nice cornmeal crust and the tomato had a firm but not raw texture to it... It was a nice FGT but skip the remoulade.

Fried Soft Shell Crab. If you're at a seafood joint, it's prolly a wise choice to get the soft shell crab... Look at this gorgeous specimen. Lightly coated and deep fried. It had great color and crunch to it without compromising the sweet flaky crab inside. Really tasty. Oh, yeah, that is the same remoulade from the FGTs... They use that shit for everything.

Peel and Eat Shrimp. Hey, Pouch, the ocean called... They're running out of shrimp. I couldn't pass up these shrimp from the happy hour special... They looked fresh and plump from the sea... Not the Chattahoochee special you would find at some suspect fish shacks in da ATL. No remoulade this time but some weak cocktail sauce, instead... Extra horseradish, pweez and another cocktail while you're up.

This joint was pretty legit... Maybe I was just happy about being at the right place at the right time with their specials timed perfectly. The oysters coulda been better executed but the other dishes sampled were pretty much spot-on. Eating that much seafood in the span of 2 hours can't be good for anybody... So, I triple down on more seafood and went downstairs to their seafood market and bought another 3 lbs of royal reds to snack on later.

I should start a support group called FFU... Fat Fucks Unite.

Squirt.


3865 W County Hwy 30A
Santa Rosa Beach, FL 32459
https://www.goatfeathersseafood.com/

Longhorn Steakhouse Surprise

I got fucking suckered in again with their "Great American Steak Dinner" commercial... Well, to my discredit, I was drunk as a motherfucker and when I'm in that state, I'm pretty easily persuaded to eat almost anything after pounding a bunch of whiskey and chasing it with tallboys of PBR all day. I got home properly lubed up, plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV and suddenly their commercial comes on... Fuck me. They make that goddamn cheap sirloin cut look so friggin juicy and tasty with all that grease sizzling off of it and it's hard to say no when I wanted some of that inside my pouch. So, I jumped on my Harley and rode zigzag to the nearest one at Toco Hills... It's one of their newest, shiniest and fanciest pants location... Well, shit, I hope so after they burnt down the original low rent structure and rebuilt it with the insurance money.
Walked in and went straight to the bar as if it was muscle memory and got me a couple Montana Mules while I waited for a table to open up so I can spread the Great American Steak Dinner prix fixe meal out in all it's glory. This is gonna be one unforgettable night with the imminent culinary experience to be had... The pouch instincts are never wrong. Let's go to the videotape...

Honey Wheat Bread. Their bread is pretty sizeable and warm and it tears apart easily... Talk about pinching a loaf. You can pretty much just load up on the bread if you just want to drown your sorrows at the bar alone like me. But who can say no the Great American Steak Dinner... It will make the pouch great again!

Spicy Chicken Bites. I really wanted to try their Brand New Beer-Battered Cheese Curds but they were totally out of them... So, I had to resort back to these nuggets. I don't who was cutting the chicken back there but there was no rhyme or reason to the sizes of these chicken pieces... They range from small booger size to almost quartered size pieces that you would feed to an alligator. Are they spicy as advertised? Fuck no. It was sweet and sticky in a poured from a jar of HFCS way. The spicy dipping sauce looked like it came from a catch bucket from the bottom of a sink.

Chili Cheese Fries. Just looking at it gives me instant IBS... This trailer park classic goes down pretty tasty in a low rent way but you don't want to experience it coming out the other end... I did a 2 finger diet right after I got home... Strangely, it came back up looking pretty much the same as it went in. My balloon knot aka bunghole thanked me for the rest of the night.

Caesar Salad. So, I was waiting at the bar for a table and noticed this dude eating a Caesar salad next to me... When they brought out the salad, he literally said, "Where's the dressing?". Bartender is like that's the Caesar salad and the dressing is in there already... The mook goes, "Can I get honey mustard so I can put it on my salad?" The bartender brings over the honey mustard and he proceeds to pour the entire bucket in his Caesar salad... This is their target demographics. Cuckoo, cuckoo.
So, I get my Caesar salad and it looked normal and average when it came out and I started to eat it. But as a force of habit I usually pick at my food and move shit around just to see if I find any other prizes hidden in my food, most of the time I don't find shit, maybe a hair or a larvae but that shit is edible... On this special night, I find this lovely shiny machine bolt at the bottom... It was so sparkly that it felt like Caesar just busted a nut in my eye. My first reaction was, "Shit, I was looking for that type of bolt for my bike!" Then I show it to the server who was very sweet, she tried several times to get the manager to come out to discuss it but she said the manager was just too busy in the kitchen to come out. Shit, if I was the manager, I woulda went out the back door and pretended to be taking out the garbage like 20 times until the customer left the premises. This was a new one for me but it didn't shock and awe me at all... Now, I am expecting my Caesar salad to be served in an old Datsun oil pan on the next visit. Oh, and BTW, Frankenstein called... He wants his neck bolt back.

Renegade Sirloin and Loaded Baked Potato. Their Legendary steaks will make my bowels great again! Look at how much clarified margarine they pour on there to make the manmeat look all juicy and tender. I gotta admit, the temp was spot-on at mid-rare and it was pretty tender overall and seasoned pretty decently, too. But it doesn't have a great steak flavor, it's kinda muted and neutral tasting. I get it, they don't want to offend anyone with a lesser palate with a more savory and elevated piece of meat. I don't have a problem with their steaks here but it seems like every cut kinda taste the same... Maybe that's why it's legendary. I swear if I told a regular here that this was a filet and they ate it, they wouldn't even notice the difference. But the steaks are acceptable in a mass volume kinda way, at least you have the option to order it to temp. The loaded tater is your run of the mill sample that can be had all over town... It's pure pouch filler.

White Chocolate Turtle Cheesecake. Took one bite and I was done... Just so damn sweet and processed tasting. But hey, it's included the Great American Steak Dinner, so why not, fatties.

I do stupid things when I'm liquored up... It's these bad life decisions that are rewarded with nuts and bolts.... It's goddamn karma circling me. I still can't believe that the manager refused to come out but I'm not surprised at all... Does anyone really expect any level of quality control at a chain resto? When I saw the bolt, I kinda chuckled at it, it reminded me of the prize inside a box of Cracker Jack... One would expect them to go through the motions of apologizing, groveling and shit as per the operations manual but I really didn't care if they did or not because it wouldn't have been genuine anyways, the manager not coming out was more genuine on how they felt about fuck ups... And that is that they give no fucks at all... But the server was really nice and attentive. I tweeted the pic of the bolt to them, so, we'll find out how they will respond soon enough.
Overall, it's not a bad deal for $12.99 and it will definitely fill you up... But I don't know how anyone can come here sober and actually had a conversation about this joint as an option. It was more of a knee jerk reaction for me when I'm buzzed and hungry... Come to think of it, I don't think I was even that hungry... I just didn't want the party to end. It's kinda pathetic that I continue my after party at a Longhorn, I guess it's better than crying myself to sleep alone in the dark. Even for a location that is intown, the demographics make it look like it's located in upstate Georgia and they were killing it in here. The tasteless sheeple are making this chain great again! ...Along with da pouch. I guess I could do worse and continued my life's pity party at a Golden Corral.

2892 N Druid Hills Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30329
www.longhornsteakhouse.com

Kyma

This is another joint that I have not been back to in many many moons... This place hasn't changed a bit since Jimmy Carter's last year in office. I remember the days when this was a happening spot in Buckhead proper where all the ginzos would gather to watch the Jersey Shore in the Octopus Lounge. I couldn't tell if the golden brown stains on their white tank tops were self-tanner lotion or tapenade... I always wanted to use a piece of pita to find out but I was skeered to get their hair grease on me... Sometimes, you just don't want to wake a sleeping douchebag. Fast forward a decade and half later and this joint is still stuck in the same space time continuum... It's like a giant time capsule. The same decor, same menu, same crowd... It was like watching Celebrity Deathmatch for the first time again. The space is still totally fine, it's clean and it works... But I don't know if I would ever take people from outta town to eat here because the service has never been that great, there's a smug aura that the staff emanates here. Dudebros, you're a fucking server or bartender serving people... You can at least act like a normal human being. Shit, shouldn't I be the one talking down to the help, instead? But sadly, I don't operate like that since I'm a obeast second class citizen. I decided to drink and nosh at the Octopus Lounge aka bar instead of going full retard in the dining room since I wasn't that hungry... I just wanted to come in and see how they were doing these days and report back to my one reader. The dining room was pretty empty but the lounge side had more activity... Then a huge group came in for a birthday or some shit. Jesus, people still get all gussied up to come here? They looked pretty young and the attention seemed to be going to the chicks... What was this... A quinceañera? If they wheel in a fucking paleta cart filled with a plethora of pinatas I'm fucking outta here, el guapo... Unless they have guava flavor... 
Well, let's see if they still have the magic or not after all these years...

Crazy Donkey. There is a reason why they don't print the prices for these beers... Because no one would order them. But lucky for them, there's a sucka born everyday and today is y'all's lucky day... Give me the most expensive Greek beer you got, TYVM. It's a bad sign when every dude is drinking a Bud light at the bar. $12 for a fucking bottle of American IPA style beer... Jesus, did I lose a Bum Fight or something and got the word "Sucka" tattooed on my forehead? Don't answer that... But the answer is yes. There is nothing special about this beer except that you should get a punch in the back of your head for ordering this scam. I am a donkey, a fat pot-bellied donkey...

Traditional Table Spread, red peppers, feta. While the red pepper puree was good, it was nothing that you couldn't do at home... It's easier than you think. These spreads and dips are big money makers for them.. Cheap, easy to make and fuckers love them because it's non-threatening and tasty.

The Reason Why Atlanta Eats Octopus, circa 2001Grilled over an Oak-Wood Fire, Marinated Red Onions. This is one of their famed dishes... Not that nobody else was doing grilled octopus before they opened here but they had better PR to make like it was their creation. It's a good snack, plump tentacle nuggets of tender octopus and seasoned nicely.

Truffled Veal Sweetbread Nuggets “Professionally Cooked the Way They Should Be” Combined with Roasted Eggplant, Green Zucchini, Yellow Squash, Garlic Confit,Tomato, Sour Dough Bread Toast. You can definitely smell the truffle oil in there but the toast was hard as a garden paver and totally useless. Let's see how it tastes...

Up close and personal... Three little fried nuggets bathing in a confit of stuff. Don't even think about putting this on the toast because you will break your teeth and look like a meth head afterwards. Just use a left over pita from the spread or eat it solo. The sweatbread nuggets were pretty tasty, could be a little bit more crispier but it will do... And I would get it again even though the portion is tiny.

The Infamous Spicy Lamb Pie12 hour Braised Leg of Lamb, Thyme and Oregano, Lemon Greek Yogurt. They were out of the lamb cheeks so I had to fall back on this because I was craving some type of lamb dish. It's a nice presentation, I forgot how purdy this looked... But let's see how it tastes.

A view from the back side... The phyllo is flaky and crispy on the outside and the minced lamb inside is flavorful inside. The little arugula salad gave it a nice balance with it's bitterness. It's another tasty snack while boozing at the bar and watching the guidos fist pump after doing a lemon drop shot... Bros before hoes, yo.

There's nothing wrong with this joint, it's just a bit dated on the style and menu... I am just not a big fan of this place for the craveworthiness of it because nothing was craveworthy. The service/bartender was slow but attentive enough not to piss you off too badly... Unless you ask for the price of the Donkey beers after your ordered them. The few bites I had brought back some memories from the last time I dined here but not good enough to bring me back for another decade. This place has become more like a location for the starter foodie crowd or the hip spot for graduating high school kids. It still ain't cheap to eat here, though... I had a few snacks and drinks and it still cost more than for a family of 10 to feast at Lan Zhou Ramen or Nam Phuong. Look, Greek grub ain't that serious in this town... These overpriced Greek joints around town is known more for the spectacle and the party crowd, especially, for the bachelorette parties with dickwear and dickgear and tossing thousands of napkins around to distract you from the food. But those hookers ain't swallowing octopus tentacles down their throats... I wonder if penis gummies would taste good stuffed inside phyllo... Squirt... Poof.  


3085 Piedmont Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
https://buckheadrestaurants.com/restaurant/kyma/