Burger Theory

I usually like to meet harlots from the back pages of the Loaf or the rejects to the left on Tinder at off the beaten path motels so that no one will recognize me... Not that anyone will not notice a fat meatbag with a skinny hooker at a run down lobby bar. Some of these skanks aren't even worthy enough to swipe down because they don't even wipe the drool dripping out of their meth mouths. It's embarrassing to even meet some of these floozies here because I don't even get a room, I have to drive around back behind the dumpster in my Dodge Omni... The dumpster may smell a bit but the Omni is such a sexy sled that the broads just gets all moist riding in it... Well, that could also be from my broken AC... The slapping sounds of sweaty pannus, meat flaps and swamp ass is super sexy. Speaking of cheap skank meat at low rent motels... There's a mysterious burger joint that has been around for a bit that not many people know about... There's only two in Atlanta (this one at Northlake and the other near the airport) and they are always at a Holiday Inn. That's the franchise deal they made with Holiday Inn. When you hear about restos/bars at a motel, good vibes usually don't emanate from them... You always think of some slutty chain dump with shitty rednecky grub. I heard some decent things about this burger joint but the location didn't make sense nor did it made it more appetizing... But I live for shit like this... And shit is the keyword. Will this place be the shit or will this place make me shit... Time to find out, I hope they cleaned the bathrooms and refilled the TP today.
This Holiday Inn is located on a hidden side street... This is gonna be some fucking trip for a burger. Pulled in and parked towards the back so none of those fallen wenches from my past sees me. I gotta admit it's a nice Holiday Inn, it has been totally refreshed on the outside. There's even palm trees lining the street... Where the fuck am I, Florida? Did I go through some time warp or black hole... This is fucking crazy, yo. Walked in and the burger joint is literally across from the front desk. It's like a mini sports bar right in the lobby. It's actually nicer than I thought. They got real booze here not just beers... And the prices are cheap as fuck. I'm liking this place already. Let's chow on some steamy hot manmeat between a pair of fluffy man buns...

Crispy Wings. They were actually Buffalo wings but I had them naked with sauce on the side. I always do sauce on the side because most places have awful buffalo hot sauce and if they toss the wings in that shit sauce, you're basically shit outta luck. And yes, the buffalo hot sauce here was the low rent kind, not spicy at all... But the medium sized wings were surprisingly good... Very good, actually. They were crispy, piping hot and juicy.

Pamesan Panko Onion Rings, KGB Sauce. I'm like KGB sauce? Is that shit listening in on my visit here... Turns out in small print that it stands for Killer Good Burger. It's basically the Big Mac not so secret sauce, even though, they kept telling me no it ain't. It was hard to tell if this was hand breaded in house or from a brown bag, some were perfectly round cut rings and others were just loose strips of it but the panko breading was perfectly covered over every piece. Very light and crispy and not oily at all... I don't know what the fuck is going on here but everything I have tasted so far has been pretty damn tasty... Fucking baffling the fuck outta me.

Uptown, portobello mushroom, caramelized onion, swiss cheese, roasted garlic mayo, egg. $8 for a single (1/3 lb) or $10 for a double... Duh, that's a no brainer... Make that shit a double and throw a fried egg on top for a $1 extra while you're at it. Comes with fries but to sub it for a side you're paying $3 which is basically the cost of the sides. So, just get it with the included fries and order the rings on the side like I did... Because I like quantity. The fries seemed hand cut and they were pretty decent but the main star here was the burger... It looked good but I hope it taste as good as it looked. Let's check it out up close and personal... 

This double is quite girthy and thick in all the right places... You can order it to temp, too.... Always mid-rare. I cut it in half and it was cooked medium... Not a deal breaker yet because it did looked very juicy inside. Took a bite... You motherfuckers, you... It was a very tasty burger... Make sure you have a beverage close by to wash it down. The two patties are stack on top of each other but the cheese fused them together and made it look like a giant patty. I'm sitting here pinching myself to see if this was a dream but it wasn't. This burger was surprisingly very good... Maybe be one of the best within a 2 mile radius. Let's try another burger...

Lone Star, cheddar cheese, thick cut bacon, parmesan panko onion ring, bbq sauce. Made it a double, again. This was more of an all American classic burger and goddamn it, tis was very good as well... Even though, it was also cooked to medium... But it was juicy as fuck. How is this possible? ...It's unpossible! I'm going to have to ask the server what the fuck is going on in the kitchen when he comes back around.

Farm Fresh Veggie Burger, portobello mushroom, grilled onions, roasted red peppers, lettuce, goat cheese, roasted garlic mayo. Don't hate, I had to do it... I had to see what the fuss was about with these veggie burgers. No fake beet juice blood came out when you bite into it but it was not awful, either. Eating this thing was actually pretty decent... It kinda tasted like a vegetarian ex-gf and looked kinda like her too if you hold it sideways... Well, minus the goat cheese oozing out the veggie meatflap. But who knows about now, that minx could have tons of smegma dripping from those fried bologna lips, she was what the scholars called a whore.

So, the server came by and I asked him what's the deal here, how many people are in the kitchen... He says, one. I'm like one cook but how many preps, dishwasher eses... He says, no... Just one person in the kitchen doing it all... Prepping, cooking, cleaning. I'm like get the fuck outta here, there's no goddamn way this is possible. He's like we have one server, one bartender and one cook. That's all we need. I did an Elaine and pushed him and said, "Get Out!"... That's how impressed I was on this weird first trippy visit. 3 people running this entire joint was brilliant, not that it was a huge space but there was a pretty good crowd of people here watching the game on the TVs, noshing on burgs and nursing their booze. The crew ran this joint like a boss... And the burgers were really friggin good and the prices for everything were insanely cheap like Crazy Eddie. I would definitely go back to see if this place really existed and not just in one of my many wet dreams... And then create my own burger... Minus the goat cheese hussies, this joint is too upscale for them trollops.


2166 Ranchwood Dr NE
Atlanta, GA 30345
http://www.burgertheoryatl.com/