Lucky Thai

Everyone knows that when you're in Thailand you can get lucky real easy but you also gotta do the tucky test on any suspect kathoey to make sure that cameltoe isn't just a wiener wrapped up in duct tape... But over here on state side, it's quite difficult to get lucky with a place with decent Thai grub. They may say they got authentic kathoey grub but most of the time it turns out to be baba booey in disguise... You know, a fugazi, a fake, a fraud, a forgery, a hoax, a sham, a charlatan. Like I have said many times before... There just ain't any spectacular Thai in this one horse town, I didn't say authentic because it would never sell in this town... It's just too much heat for the pale ones.
So, one day, I drove passed a Taco Bell and all of the sudden I had a hankering for their new gimmick of the month- the Double Chalupa which they state it's a "boatload of goodness or even a yacht of yumminess"... Yeah, it's more like a Viking funeral vessel for a giant flaming turd, but that's another review. So, I turned around and pulled into the Cafe Bombay strip mall which is always dead as fuck... I was going through the back way to Taco Bell but then I noticed a relatively new Thai joint that's a couple doors down from the gangsta Pure Lounge (don't worry, I will get to this place soon, it looks fancy!)... My double chalupa plans became null and void when there's another Thai grub to investigate for my one fan... I can't wait to see what awaits the pouch in this back alley Thai joint.
The first thing you see on their website is a self-proclamation that they are "Atlanta's Highly Recommended Asian Restaurant"... Shit, with words like that, who can resist a highly rec'd resto that serves only Asian cuisine? But my one reader may be asking themselves, what kinda Asian cuisine? Isn't it obvious? They serve only the bestest Oriental grub... Naturally.
Walked in and sat down... Look around and there is no hint of booze anywhere... My suspicions were confirmed when the 60 year dry aged ladyboy reaffirmed the fact that they don't have a booze license. I was fucking livid inside... I almost wanted to go next door to Pure to slammed down a few shots of Hpnotiq and Hennessy, otherwise known as the Incredible Hulk because I wanted to smash that joint up! But I didn't since I have recently became a born again Buddhist because I want peace and serenity now... And who can resist those flowing robes? They are so fucking indulgently soft, bro... I swear they're at least 800 count. It feels almost godly wearing those moo-moo's... Fuck total consciousness on my death bed, just give me the 800 count of Egyptian cotton now. I was still kinda pissed that they didn't even have a beer and wine license... But they had a menu, let's take a look and don't piss me off any further with some shitty dishes... And of course, they already started on the wrong foot with a bunch of slutty Chino grub... The first thing I see is Crab Rangoon... WTF, yo? Then came edamame and pot stickers, and wonton, egg drop, hot & sour soup... I'm getting green and I didn't even drink Hpnotic. The entire Entree part of the menu was all junky gwailo Chino dishes except for the Spicy Basil... Ok, it's totally a roundeye dish but at least it wasn't Chino. Skipped the entire Entree section... Then came curry, noodles, flied lice and house specials which were mostly Thai. It gets better as go you down further... That's what she said... But then came the Japanese section which was like more than half the menu (why is this place called Lucky Thai again?). The sushi/sashimi did not look that good at the tiny sushi bar to me but I was still curious as a pussy cat about the sushi anyways... Let's just get to the good stuff already, you talk too much pouch...

Rock & Roll bbq eel and avacado. I was gonna try the 3 fish sashimi sampler with the standard tuna and salmon but the last fish on the the list was escolar... It used to be hamachi but they changed it to the cheap disgusting escolar. Seeing it on the menu almost made me gag, didn't even have to see the actual product. So, I resorted to getting something safer but still not the gaijin stuff... This bbq eel and avocado roll was quite long, it had a lot of pieces on it (8 to be exact and 1 retarded one on the end). It was average at best and the shit fell apart too easily when you try to eat it. There was nothing really memorable about this but at least it was cheap.

Spider Roll soft shell crab, cucumber, avocado, and masago. Of course, if I see this on the menu I will get it... I'm such an old dog when it comes to the Spider Roll... But not just any old dog, a Pavlovian dog because I am properly conditioned... I also slobber, too, when I see this. This roll was also a hefty portion... 10 pieces for about $11 which was a steal. But how did it taste, pouch? Eh, it was ok, not much flavor to it, even with all that brown jizzy sauce all over it. The soft shell crab wasn't all that crunchy, it kinda steamed itself soft. The pieces also broke apart easily when you picked it up... I lost like 3 pieces trying to get it into my snout. I had to lick the plate like a mangy mutt which I gladly did. Those 5 dollops of spunk looked like those candy buttons you peeled off a piece of paper. Too bad they tasted like it came from a 80 year sack. I don't know, I don't want to crush their wildest dreams but the rolls sucked... So, my pouch instincts were right again and I'm glad I didn't order any of the raw stuff.

Pot Sticker (6 PCS) diced chicken, mix vegetable, and deep-fried served with ponzu sause. My bro, who's a roundeye was dead set on getting a wonton soup... I adamantly told him no like a child. I already knew that wonton soup will suck big time balls... But I had to compromise and let him get the pot stickers... How the fuck are these pot stickers? They were deep fried in a basket... They weren't even near a fucking pot let alone stick to them. Look, these were dismal... Tasted like they were made in a dumpling class for 5 year olds. The chicken was bland, the veggie filler was non-existent and the ponzu sause tasted like watered down fake soy sauce packets. I like the effort with the nice doily on the plate but putting a freshly laid turd on a Hermes silk scarf doesn't make it taste any better. These fried stickers were pretty much as low rent as you can get. Skip them at all cost. Let's try the dishes we came here for...

Green Curry with chicken, bell pepper, bamboo shoot, broccoli, carrot, zucchini, and basil (Spicy). Server says how hot do you want it... I'm like I want it Thai Hot only if you can do it right without adding sambal in there and turning it into a pink goo. She's like ah, then you might want to just make it hot then. I know, sweet tits, I know how Thai joints in this town operate... There is no such thing as Thai Hot in this town, ever. It's a pretty standard green curry. I was really hoping to find some Thai eggplant in there but they used zucchini, instead. The chicken slices were a bit dried out but the not spicy curry helped moisturize them a bit. It's a colorful dish but so are the fancy food pics in magazines... Doesn't mean they will taste good in reality. I have no desire to revisit this curry again.

Drunken Noodle with beef, bell pepper, onion, and basil (Spicy). If I can't get fucking drunk here then I can at least eat drunk noodles... I asked for hot again because Thai Hot is just not an option here. I don't want my drunken noodles to look like a smashed red velvet cake. It was an acceptable version, it was tasty enough for me to keep eating it. The noodles needed a little more dark soy sauce to give it a bit more flavor. I saw no Thai chiles on this dish, just some specks of red chili flakes. The beef slices were fine, seasoned ok and tender. Overall, this noodle dish was decent enough to get again if you needed a quick fix. But it ain't no destination for drunken noodles... Unless, you're pissed drunk then you wouldn't even know the difference this and a bowl of Maruchan's finest.

Pad Thai with chicken, stir fried rice noodle, eggs, green onion, bean sprout, lime, and crushed peanut. I liked that they put the crushed peanuts on the side for you to sprinkle on but if I had known how dried out the chicken was then I would have gotten another protein, shit, I may have even opted for the tofu as a last resort. It looked and tasted pretty decent on the first bite after mixing it all up with the lime juice and peanuts but it woulda been a lot better if they applied a bit more tamarind paste and fish sauce... It needed to be more funky. I know most roundeyes can't stand fish sauce because it smells like the hooker they banged in Atlantic City back in the early 90's... But in a pad thai, the more funkier, fishier and pungent-er it is the better. It could be a very decent pad thai if it had the deeper flavor. Not bad overall, though.  

There's really no Thai joints around this general vicinity (Toco Hill will be the closes) so if you're desperate and need a quick fix for slutty Chinese, skanky sooshee and sleazy Thai, I guess it will do. The lack of a booze license will make it more difficult for me to come back again but shit, there's always Pure Lounge next door to do some pre-gaming and post-gaming. That Hpnotic can put anyone in a trance and make anything taste good... Except for Pure's food. No amount of party liquors or hypnotist can make their menu taste good.

1594 Woodcliff Dr NE Suite F
Atlanta, GA 30329
https://www.luckythaiatlanta.com/

The Federal

I have been here a few times and it has always delivered... Shaun Doty is back and loving it. Not in a McDonald's kinda way but he sure does love him some Mickey Deez fwies and McGwiddles, they are fucking irresistible... Have you seen his pouch? He can give me a run for my money... Err, make that a slow walk for my money. After making a ton of loot with the sale of the old burger joint and the current cash cow from their cheekan joints, he now had the F U money to start up a full service resto and cooking real grub again. Not that the cheekan shacks ain't good, they are pretty tasty, but they just aren't on my rotation anymore because there's too many fucking spoiled kids with their entitled families eating up in that piece these days... Those types of douchebags annoys me to no end, so I just rather stay away. The Federal is more Shaun's and Lance's speed, bringing back the popular hits from his old resto in Inman Park into midtown like the sardinian flatbread and pork schnitzel.
I loved the joint when it was in Inman Park because it was cool and hip and kinda off the beaten path... But repurposing the old B+B space in midtown was a smart move instead of finding another location which is expensive as fuck these days in midtown. I must admit that this new adult friendly joint won't be on my regular rotation just because of the location... Midtown has become such a shit show, a goat rodeo gone wild... So, I try to limit myself to noshing at midtown joints to only once a week. But I had to make a special visit because of the new 50 day dry aged manmeat special that he's got going on these days. That is some claim, I don't think anyone is doing a 50 day aged manmeat in this town except here... And that sounds like a challenge to the pouch.
Let's sneak in and see if the food is just as good if they didn't know the pouch was coming in... Shhhh, I'm hunting manmeat...

Dinner Ball Loaf. Warm, crusty, moist and soft... Jesus, sounds like I'm inside a Tauntaun's pouch. I like this bread ball... If they ever serve soup in this thing, I will shit. The herb butter was room temp and the smeared was spot on. I usually don't eat much bread but this was kinda irresistible. I ate like 1/3 of it and then put the blanket back over it so I stop staring at it and eating it more.

Blue Crab Cake, grained mustard, napa slaw. Not the prettiest presentation but that hefty lumpy crab cake was the star... And it was pretty awesome, but if you took that crab cake off the plate, it would like a half eaten plate destined for the trash. The crab was seasoned well, moist inside and just a bit browned on the surface... Just the kinda crabs I want in my mouth.

Oxtail French Onion Soup, gruyere cheese. Look at this cauldron of melty bubbling cheese... Once you dig through that upper layer of cheese and bread, the oxtail onion soup was damn good. Full of rich flavors and a decent amount of oxtail chunks. It ain't a classic French onion soup but I'll take it because I'm totally down with the infusion of the oxtail... It made it that much better.

House Cured Salmon, crispy farm egg, lemon cream, fennel, black bread. Where's the bagels? Oh, it's dinner time, not breakfast... At first, I thought the whole fried egg was a little strange on cured salmon but it worked. Shit, I love eggs... I would eat them on anything. I would even put this egg on fwied cheekan, goddamn it. The salmon was real tasty and it also came with the black bread. It was a decent portion for cured salmon, too, other joints usually only give you a few fish flaps.

Black Bread. I don't know if this would be my first choice for the cured salmon but it held up nicely to my abusive paws slapping them salmon on here.

16 oz 50 Day Dry-Aged Manhattan Strip. Fuck yeah, dude, but 68 fucking dollars is a lot to pay for any 16 oz piece of manmeat... But this was dry-aged for 50 days. I don't know how many other joints are doing it in this town but last time I counted it was none... So, I had to see what all the fuss was about on this beast. I was really hoping for the ribeye but on this night they had a chunky strip which I was skeptical about... But I ordered this hunk of fucking manmeat anyways. It was perfect mid-rare in the most industry standard which was kinda blue in the center. But it wasn't as tender as I thought it would be... That's because my mind was still thinking about the ribeye. The strip just doesn't have as much marbling as the ribeye does... Not that it was bad, far from it but it just has a different texture in the mouth and sliding down your throat... The girls know what I'm talking about... And some boys, too. Oooh, kinky. Anyways, it was still a dericious piece of meat, seasoned well, great char on the outside and perfect temp on the inside... But I don't think I would do it again at that price point no matter how many days it was dry aged... Ok, I may be suckered into doing it again if it was a ribeye. 

Roasted Beets with Tahini. This was something different on the sides, unless I totally ignored it on the other visits. That is some portion of beets... It's almost like a beet caviar. The colors are gorgeous and it tasted fresh and healthy.... Shit, even a rubber boot would taste healthy after inhaling that hunk of manmeat.

Sauteed Morels. I ordered the hen of the woods shrooms but Shaun hand delivered this and said, shhhh, don't tell anyone but I made you some morels, instead... Fuck yeah, bro... Shit, it was like Christmas and his heart was open wide. Gonna give the pouch something, so it knows what's on Shaun's mind. A gift real special, so take off the top. Take a look inside... It's his morels in a box. And that's the way you do it. This was some helping... And second and third helpings, too. There were so much of it I couldn't eat it all after everything else. Box that shit up, pweez.

They got something special going on here, only a handful of people remember the old Shaun's but this new joint is keeping that animal spirit alive. They are loving it, too... Because I know they miss the chaos and challenges of a higher end restaurant that makes you a better cook each and everyday. Keep pumping out those tasty dishes and I'll keep squirting with glee, you silly bastards... But only every other week... Because, you know, it's in goat rodeo midtown and also near that god awful RA sushi with their ginzo crowd... Don't they have gym, tan or laundry to do...

1050 Crescent Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
http://www.thefederalatl.com/

Yummy Spicy Gourmet

There are many cursed locations on Buford Hwy but they're usually hidden in the back of some dumpy strip mall that gets no visibility. But then there are some that is literally sitting on Buford Hwy and still get the red-headed step child treatment... Especially, when you're right behind the original Sweet Hut. This stand alone location is one of the weirdest spots on Bufo Hwy... It has been repurposed more times than Bruce Jenner. Even with all the FOBs in this area, no business has ever seen any success in this cursed location... But now comes a new slutty Sichuan American joint... Huh? What the fuck is a SSA joint? I have no fucking clue, that's why I'm writing this ridiculous post... My one reader and I are going on this journey together... But the pouch will be the one in pain if this joint doesn't pan out.
The parking lot sucks in this place, who ever painted the parking spot lines needs a thicker prescription... The width of the lines are made for a Smart car. I was backing in and out like Austin Powers doing a 3 point turn just to center my car in the spot... I watched this one homely as fuck William Hung dead ringer parked his car all jacked up and over the lines and he didn't give a shit. You're not helping the cause that Asians are bad drivers. But a minzie later he decided to park all the way in the back. So fucking weird.
Walked in and it was kinda of a weird karoake bar/resto set up. But I tell y'all what... It was also FOB central which was a great sign. Sat down at a table at the front window to soak in all the beautiful scenery that is Buford Hwy with all the import tuners putzing around with their coffee can exhausts that does nothing except make me scream in horror like Khan's Ceti eel larvae gold-digging into Chekov's ear... Speaking of gold leeches, let's take a bite of the alien gruel and see if it's suitable for human consumption... 

Pickled Spicy Cabbage. Jesus, this looked like what came out of my nose from the Neti Pot this morning after boozing and bumping all night... Tasted like the molten exoskeleton of a cicada bathe in beetlejuice. It was so absurd to even put this out on the table. Almost made me scream but I definitely puked a little in my mouth. Pushed it aside and perused the 3 different menus they got... I shit you not, there were so many goddamn menus here and the server just kept coming back every 46 seconds- "are you ready to order?" on repeat.

Baby Wonton in Chili Oil. I knew seeing the word "baby" in this classic wonton chili oil dish was gonna be suspect... But I got nervous with the unrelenting waitress asking me what I wanted that I just blurted this out. Ok, it looked pretty good at first glance. But the wonton were a bit over-cooked and the skin was breaking apart a bit and the meat filler inside tightened up too much. The chili oil was not spicy whatsoever but I did liked that they added some red vinegar in there to give it a small bite. I would skip these, unless you're a pussy motherfucker that can't take the heat... But want to partake and look the part of a spicehead eating nuclear red wontons.

Beef Tendon and Tripe in Chili Sauce. I'm a sucka for these on any menu but look at this sad sack of brown sliced turd. Where's the fucking chili sauce, ese? And where's the tendon and tripe? It was just all meat scraps pressed, molded, chilled and sliced to pretend it was tendon and tripe. There may have been some tendon and tripe in there but it definitely doesn't showcase the title of this dish. I had to use the fucking wonton chili oil to lube these meat flaps down my throat. Skip. Next.

Dry Fried Eggplant. Jesus, this dish has jumped the shark, flounder and the Fonz like 2 years ago... But I'm a sucker for them nevertheless. It was a huge portion of it and the pic doesn't do it any justice. It looked pretty spicy with all that dried red chili peppers and Szechuan peppercorns on top. The logs were piping hot straight outta the fryer and right into the wok for a proper Rogering. Took a bite... Shit, they are hard as fuck. The batter was so friggin' thick that it wasn't even fun eating these and sweatin' to the oldies on the karaoke machine. I tried to let them steam themselves to soften it up a bit but they still tasted like loose drywall pieces. I took the left overs home and let them sit in the styrofoam box for awhile and it did soften up a bit but by then I had lost all my excitement and blood flow for these hooker logs. I pawn them off to a friend and pretended like I was thinking about them... Suckaz!

Yummy Spicy Chicken. So, they have a lunch special and it's gwailo as fucking all hell... Every hole in the wall Chino's greatest hits. But at the very bottom they had their Yummy Spicy cheekan lunch special... I was giddy as a school girl and I almost had a nip slip from the excitement. These fried little cheekan nuggets were pretty good and I even tasted a few chicken soft bone in there, that was a tasty little surprise but what didn't surprise me was that even with all those red chili peppers and Szechuan peppercorns in there it still had the heat level of a pocket warmer. It also came with a pre-fabbed frozen eggroll that was totally mushy inside, a corn starch laden hot & sour soup with no flavor and a bowl molded rice. For $7.75, I guess you really can't complain for the amount of filler to stuff your pouch.

Chicken with String Beans. I just can't stay away from my own advice, can I? Look, I wanted some stir fried string beans but I didn't want a giant plate of it for over $10, so, I got the damn cheekan and string bean lunch special which was pretty tasty in the all American slutty Chino way... I was thinking I will have left overs later when I come back home piss fucking drunk at 4AM... And boy was I right. It tasted fucking amazing after being roofied. The Cos can spike my drink any time if he has a shitload of slutty Chino grub in the fridge.

I came in for a quick lunch and really didn't explore the menu like I should have and ordered all the spicy ass Szechuan grub like all the other FOBs at the other tables... They had whole fish in chili oil, spicy garlic tunnel crab, hot pots, and a whole mess of other fiery red dishes... There was even a picture of a fish dish on the menu where it's supposed to be served alive like in those interweb videos. I don't think anyone ordered it but it seemed like they all enjoyed what they had. The place ain't bad but my mix and match lunch visit was just ok... But I will keep it on my radar to make another visit during dinner time and check out the talent on the karaoke... That is unless the location's curse shuts them down unexpectedly... Which wouldn't hurt my feelings either way.

5164 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340

Burger Theory

I usually like to meet harlots from the back pages of the Loaf or the rejects to the left on Tinder at off the beaten path motels so that no one will recognize me... Not that anyone will not notice a fat meatbag with a skinny hooker at a run down lobby bar. Some of these skanks aren't even worthy enough to swipe down because they don't even wipe the drool dripping out of their meth mouths. It's embarrassing to even meet some of these floozies here because I don't even get a room, I have to drive around back behind the dumpster in my Dodge Omni... The dumpster may smell a bit but the Omni is such a sexy sled that the broads just gets all moist riding in it... Well, that could also be from my broken AC... The slapping sounds of sweaty pannus, meat flaps and swamp ass is super sexy. Speaking of cheap skank meat at low rent motels... There's a mysterious burger joint that has been around for a bit that not many people know about... There's only two in Atlanta (this one at Northlake and the other near the airport) and they are always at a Holiday Inn. That's the franchise deal they made with Holiday Inn. When you hear about restos/bars at a motel, good vibes usually don't emanate from them... You always think of some slutty chain dump with shitty rednecky grub. I heard some decent things about this burger joint but the location didn't make sense nor did it made it more appetizing... But I live for shit like this... And shit is the keyword. Will this place be the shit or will this place make me shit... Time to find out, I hope they cleaned the bathrooms and refilled the TP today.
This Holiday Inn is located on a hidden side street... This is gonna be some fucking trip for a burger. Pulled in and parked towards the back so none of those fallen wenches from my past sees me. I gotta admit it's a nice Holiday Inn, it has been totally refreshed on the outside. There's even palm trees lining the street... Where the fuck am I, Florida? Did I go through some time warp or black hole... This is fucking crazy, yo. Walked in and the burger joint is literally across from the front desk. It's like a mini sports bar right in the lobby. It's actually nicer than I thought. They got real booze here not just beers... And the prices are cheap as fuck. I'm liking this place already. Let's chow on some steamy hot manmeat between a pair of fluffy man buns...

Crispy Wings. They were actually Buffalo wings but I had them naked with sauce on the side. I always do sauce on the side because most places have awful buffalo hot sauce and if they toss the wings in that shit sauce, you're basically shit outta luck. And yes, the buffalo hot sauce here was the low rent kind, not spicy at all... But the medium sized wings were surprisingly good... Very good, actually. They were crispy, piping hot and juicy.

Pamesan Panko Onion Rings, KGB Sauce. I'm like KGB sauce? Is that shit listening in on my visit here... Turns out in small print that it stands for Killer Good Burger. It's basically the Big Mac not so secret sauce, even though, they kept telling me no it ain't. It was hard to tell if this was hand breaded in house or from a brown bag, some were perfectly round cut rings and others were just loose strips of it but the panko breading was perfectly covered over every piece. Very light and crispy and not oily at all... I don't know what the fuck is going on here but everything I have tasted so far has been pretty damn tasty... Fucking baffling the fuck outta me.

Uptown, portobello mushroom, caramelized onion, swiss cheese, roasted garlic mayo, egg. $8 for a single (1/3 lb) or $10 for a double... Duh, that's a no brainer... Make that shit a double and throw a fried egg on top for a $1 extra while you're at it. Comes with fries but to sub it for a side you're paying $3 which is basically the cost of the sides. So, just get it with the included fries and order the rings on the side like I did... Because I like quantity. The fries seemed hand cut and they were pretty decent but the main star here was the burger... It looked good but I hope it taste as good as it looked. Let's check it out up close and personal... 

This double is quite girthy and thick in all the right places... You can order it to temp, too.... Always mid-rare. I cut it in half and it was cooked medium... Not a deal breaker yet because it did looked very juicy inside. Took a bite... You motherfuckers, you... It was a very tasty burger... Make sure you have a beverage close by to wash it down. The two patties are stack on top of each other but the cheese fused them together and made it look like a giant patty. I'm sitting here pinching myself to see if this was a dream but it wasn't. This burger was surprisingly very good... Maybe be one of the best within a 2 mile radius. Let's try another burger...

Lone Star, cheddar cheese, thick cut bacon, parmesan panko onion ring, bbq sauce. Made it a double, again. This was more of an all American classic burger and goddamn it, tis was very good as well... Even though, it was also cooked to medium... But it was juicy as fuck. How is this possible? ...It's unpossible! I'm going to have to ask the server what the fuck is going on in the kitchen when he comes back around.

Farm Fresh Veggie Burger, portobello mushroom, grilled onions, roasted red peppers, lettuce, goat cheese, roasted garlic mayo. Don't hate, I had to do it... I had to see what the fuss was about with these veggie burgers. No fake beet juice blood came out when you bite into it but it was not awful, either. Eating this thing was actually pretty decent... It kinda tasted like a vegetarian ex-gf and looked kinda like her too if you hold it sideways... Well, minus the goat cheese oozing out the veggie meatflap. But who knows about now, that minx could have tons of smegma dripping from those fried bologna lips, she was what the scholars called a whore.

So, the server came by and I asked him what's the deal here, how many people are in the kitchen... He says, one. I'm like one cook but how many preps, dishwasher eses... He says, no... Just one person in the kitchen doing it all... Prepping, cooking, cleaning. I'm like get the fuck outta here, there's no goddamn way this is possible. He's like we have one server, one bartender and one cook. That's all we need. I did an Elaine and pushed him and said, "Get Out!"... That's how impressed I was on this weird first trippy visit. 3 people running this entire joint was brilliant, not that it was a huge space but there was a pretty good crowd of people here watching the game on the TVs, noshing on burgs and nursing their booze. The crew ran this joint like a boss... And the burgers were really friggin good and the prices for everything were insanely cheap like Crazy Eddie. I would definitely go back to see if this place really existed and not just in one of my many wet dreams... And then create my own burger... Minus the goat cheese hussies, this joint is too upscale for them trollops.


2166 Ranchwood Dr NE
Atlanta, GA 30345
http://www.burgertheoryatl.com/

Lan Zhou Ramen Revisit

I have been dreaming about this joint ever since my first visit and I can't stop thinking about anything else... It's time to make another visit... In the same week. Walked in... WTF is going on up in this piece? It's chock full of fucking tourists from Buckhead... Flips flops, red shorts, man buns, rompers and hims. Jesus, they must have read the piece from Atlanta Mag right after my post... And I know it ain't my review that's bringing in all the mooks to the yard... Since, I only have one reader. It's funny how they walk in and think they own the joint... Hey, safety in numbers, right? I watched a big group of gwailos and gwailettes push aside a fragile old couple and put them in the corner table like Baby while they just commandeered two tables and put them together for themselves and the servers were totally awestruck and confused at the same time... Even the noodle man looked up to see what the fuck these roundeyes were doing...  Don't ever fuck with the noodle man, his hands are certified weapons... He will lasso you with his noodle like Diana Prince and choke you to death (I like to show her my noodle but she might think it's a White Rabbit Creamy Candy, instead, so embarrassing). And I'm like this shit is gonna go down up in this piece! All I could think of was that goddamn song, Everybody was kung fu fighting! It's amazing how these mooks read an article and then bum rush the joint like they're entitled to appropriate it... Yeah, I said appropriate, it's the new trendy word these days... Oh, just one thing, they don't serve fucking tacos here, brodudes. Ok, these white devils were loud and obnoxious but they were pretty much harmless... It was people watching at it's finest because there were so many foreigners in here, the pale ones are not very common around these here parts. This one table of  three caught my attention right away... Who the fuck orders fried rice at a hand pulled noodle shop? Another asked if the chicken noodle bowl was all white meat chicken, it was unbelievable. I mean they came in here because they read it was 'authentic' Chino grub and then proceed to ask for stuff white people like to eat. Fuck me, I wanted to roundhouse kick everyone in the face but I didn't want to ruin my brand new Onitsuka Tigers. Now, I just want to eat my dericious shit and get the fuck out, STAT.
Let's get the fucking order in and eat some sick ass noodles...

Koushui Chicken. The translation is mouth watering chicken... And it sho' was. The chili oil is not spicy but when you let the chicken soak in it for a bit it gives it a nice little tingle on the finish. Plus, there is a whole jar of heavy duty chili oil on the table to amp it up. I liked this dish, make it spicier and this would be spot on.

Cumin Lamb Hamburger. It's no Xi'an Famous Foods spicy lamb burger but it ain't no slouch, either. It's a tad bit overpriced at $5.50 but finding one of these lamb buns in this town is kinda limited so you're gonna have to pay up for it. I liked it, the bun was puffy and had a bit of a crisp on the outside and it was a nice contrast to the soft steamy flavorful ground lamb filler inside but it coulda been more spicy as well. Go ahead and try it once and then put your money towards something else on the menu... There are a lot of goodies on this menu that needs to be eaten at least once in my measly life.

Beef Tripe Knife Sliced Noodles. I am fucking in love with their knife sliced noodles, I have wet dreams about them at night, I would have sexual relations with that chef's noodle... Wait, that didn't come out right, you sickos. This tripe bowl was pretty good, the broth and noodles were addictive as the last visit. It's not just tripe, they also threw in some offal and tendon... I wished they used the bigger honeycomb tripe, those thin strips of flat tripe were not hearty enough for this savory bowl. I would skip this bowl if you ain't into offal and try another on their extensive menu... Shit, I'm on a mission to try every bowl.

Beef Knife Sliced Dry Fried Noodles. Ok, you ain't gonna find the Cantonese style beef chowfun here because it ain't a Cantonese joint... And they don't even have the regular flat rice noodles anyways. They have a wet style with sauce for this noodle dish but I wanted to try the dry style first to compare it to the Cantonese chowfun. This version was different but that doesn't mean it's bad... It was purdy damn tasty. They added a few more items than the standard chowfun. They had slices of pre-cooked braised beef instead of stir frying raw marinaded pieces of it in the work. The knife sliced noodles worked great in this dish, it's stout enough to handle the high heat and vicious woking effect but they coulda used more seasoning to give it a bit darker color on there. Overall, it's not a bad alternate to the classic Ching Chong chowfun, but I will definitely try the wet saucy version next time. Hong Kong BBQ in the food court has a nice wet style Cantonese chowfun for anyone who likes to swallow their noodle wet... You know, for lube.

Another very good showing on the grub here... But you may be wondering why the pouch didn't order those kick ass Shranghai pan fried buns or the Kaifeng soup dumps again... Believe me, I really wanted to but my plan here is to eat each dish once until I completed the entire menu... So, there will be many many more updates on this pathetic blog for your viewing or regurgitating pleasure... And I will become even more robust after completing this feat. I'm thinking it will take about 2 weeks or so to eat the entire menu, if these gwailos don't over run this joint too much... Then I'll do a round up of the greatest hits up in here. I swear I may have an heart attack before I'm even halfway through this menu. Why am I doing this again? Oh, that's right... For my one reader that's who. Thanks, Pouch... You did it again, you fat fuck, you.


5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340

Wagaya Emory Village

Their original location on 14th street is a gold mine, I don't know if it was their business plan or just plain dumb luck that made them an overnight success with no end in sight. It's not high end sushi by any means but their menu caters to everyone no matter how shitty their palate is. The quality is above average and their price point is spot on... I have always enjoyed my meals there. It's always packed with entitled Tech kids that come in every week to to get their sushi/ramen fix, it's easy to eat well when daddy treats you like a princess. Shit, when I was in college... with your mom, I could never afford to eat sushi or Japanese... All I had was slutty Chino slop. Well, it would also help if there was a sushi joint in my college town. Hell, that shithole bumblefuck hick town my college was in was a total goat rodeo. No, seriously, they actually had goat rodeos and bovine bingo for entertainment, that's how hillbilly that fucking town was in upstate NY. It was gorgeous country up there, though, but it was also the inbred capital of NY state. There were so many mutant townies roaming around the campus looking for handouts... I still clearly remember these two sloths that came by the frat house every week asking for free booze and food. There was Mumbles who had the education level of a hamster and couldn't speak proper Engrish with the 3 teeth left in his mouth and then there was Bubbles who had goiters all over him and looked like the cousin of Joey Merrick...You know, the I am not an animal dude. Both of them always asked for a couple of cans of the Beast and some leftover pizza or wings... And I usually give it to them because who the fuck can eat after looking at those two grotesque creastures' mug, bless their hearts. Most of the time I would take a shower immediately and then cry myself to sleep right after encountering them. But with age and wisdom, I learned to eat anything, anywhere and with anybody, even with disgusting looking beasts nearby... You can always find them at a Denny's or The Ponderosa.
Let's get back to Wagaya... Now, after having so much success and a sushi boat load of fucking cash in the bank, they decided to take on the Emory kids in the Emory Village strip. They took over the old Bad Dog Taqueria space which became the Dankbaar Taco shortly after the Bad Dog chef/owner ran over and killed her "friend" with her car. But let's let bygones be bygones and see if the curse is still inhabiting this space. The inside seems a bit smaller than their original location... Not that there is anything to be worried about here since it was dead as fuck on a Friday night, not a goddamn single Emory dork in sight. Perhaps it was the taco curse or it could be the lack of a booze license that kept the Emory children away... Shit, they don't booze anyways so that couldn't be it. And they are definitely not looking for loose change between the cushions and under the car seats to pay for their next meal because their parents are filthy rich. Perhaps it was the ridiculous closing time they have here on a Friday/weekend, these motherfuckers were breaking down the kitchen at 9:15 PM... Or perhaps no one knows about them yet since they just opened and gave zero fucks about promoting the joint, zero PR, zero notice, they just opened up the fucking doors one day and expected Emory suckaz to instinctively flock here like the salmon of Capistrano... But they got the girthy rotund pouch, instead. Since, they did not have their booze license yet, I was forced to trek all the way over to the CVS for beer on the other side of the road. I had to waddle back and rush my order in since they wanted to close down... Luckily, I already knew what I wanted. Boom. Let's go see if this location will become a big hit like the original with the Tech kids or will the rich Emory kids continue to be obsessed with the sushi burritos and sake juice boxes at Boru Boru. Since, they were in such a rush to close up shop early on a Friday night, I couldn't sample as much as I would have liked to but still... Let's see what they can do at the new location.

Spider Roll. I'm a total sucka for this damn roll... I order it every time I see it on a menu, it's a sickness because it's a crap shoot... It's 50/50 on whether it will be good or total crap. This version here at their new location was just ok. I assume part of it had to do with the staff wanting to get the fuck outta there STAT. It tasted like a rush job and it was put together sloppily. It didn't taste like anything except a dry and crunchy mass. Smeared the entire tiny lobe of wasabi on the roll and it barely made a dent in the taste buds department. The dried up ginger was bland and flavorless... Jesus, are you sure y'all didn't thinly shave a fingerling potato, instead? I was not impressed with this small spider roll... Makes me not want to order this ever again here... Boy, shut yo mouth! You know your weak ass pouch will order it again. Time forgets all tasteless memories.

Tonkatsu. It was pretty decent... Had a nice crispy panko crust and the pork was tender and moist. It coulda been pounded down just a tad bit thinner to give it more mass on the presentation but it was totally acceptable.

Chuka, tonkotsu, gyoza, karaage, rice. For $19, this is still one of the best deal-a-meals in town. You get to pick a ramen option (tonkotsu, miso, shoyu) and comes with a couple of snacks. The tonkotsu was pretty decent but not as good as the original. It lacked the fatty richness of the collagen, not that the original shop had an incredible sticky tonkotsu... The egg was cold and almost hard boiled. But overall, it was acceptable and hopefully they will become as consistent as the other shop with time. It's not world class tonkotsu but for a quick fix at that price point it's totally doable. The gyoza were barely warmed through and the meat filler was a bit bland. I assume they source the dumps from the same vendor, but it just didn't taste the same... Could just be opening kinks.

Kaarage. Up close and personal... It's a nice batter crust, crispy and not greasy but the chicken itself was a bit chewy and dry. I lurv me all kinds of fwied cheekan but this left me baffled a little.

Sashimi & Udon, tempura, inari. Another one of their classic combos. This tasted a lot better but if you look at the dishes on here, it's quite simple to prepare. The sashimi was firm and pretty fresh. The inari were plump and tasty. The tempura had a nice little crispy batter and tasted just right. The udon was just as expected, kinda hard to really fuck that up, noodle and broth.

I like that they opened another location on the other side of town instead of somewhere in midtown or Buckhead. But I know this location was selected because their business model is to target the student demographics with lots and lots of parental money. The opening week(s) will be a little rocky at first because they haven't gotten their routine down yet but once they get their shit together, I think they will slay it here nightly and fill up another sushi boat load of loot and sail it all the way to the bank... They just need to stay open later on the weekends. This will be definitely be on my rotation radar.

1579 N Decatur Rd
Atlanta, GA 30307
http://wagaya.us/

Thank U Chicken

The KFC fad has came and went but the pouch is always on the look out for any type of fwied cheekan... It does not discriminate, it is very tolerant and inclusive when it comes to yardbirds. There are still a bunch of places that does KFC but they grew tiresome over time. But a relatively new cheekan spot opened up next door to Honey Pig about 6 months ago... I have driven by it a few times but it never seemed crowded inside even with their giant blinding purple-ish neon sign while Honey Pig had lines out the door and people loitering outside in their make shift patio space. At night time on the weekends, this strip mall is packed to the bowl cut with fobby youngsters hanging out in front of all the shops except for this cheekan shack... Shit, if these useless rich fob kids ain't gathered around a KFC joint then you know this has jumped the shark. But for the pouch, it doesn't care about what fobby kids and society think about KFC, I still like it and plus... This fat fuck can't jump over a Tic Tac to save it's life, let alone over a shark on water skis. Let's go waddle inside for a quick bite before my dinner party gets to Honey Pig...

Banchan? Not really... It's just a couple of random pickled veggie shit they plop down in front of your snout to be polite. Let's pretend you're getting your money's worth with this value added feed.

Beef Jjapcahe Bop. It sounded so good on paper but when this came out... It looked like a filthy baseball mitt with a softball in it. It just looked so dull, I wished they put a little more color in it like a few strips of red pepper or something. But the important thing is the taste... It wasn't bad but it didn't give me a blood flow either. The beef was a bit tough and chewy but the sweet tater noodles were pretty good with the sauce even though it was a bit too runny... But that's what the huge ball of rice is for, to soak up all that brown juice... I should try that in my toilet next time I eat a giant bowl of chili. It was a nice dish to try out once but I will not be ordering this again... It just wasn't that good. But this place is not known for their bops anyways... Let's just get to the main event.

And here it is... The spread. I got the half and half platter and it came with a shitload of grub. This may be the first time in my entire existence that a server with a straight face said to me when I told her what I wanted, "Wooh, that's a lot of food. Are you sure?" I looked her straight in her eyes and then down to her phantom padded boobs and then back to her eyes since there was really nothing on her chest to talk to... "Ugh, yeah, I know... Just put the goddamn order in." She made me feel like such a piece of meat... While I watched her jiggled her ass around the corner and disappeared into the kitchen. They got some pretty hot mouthy fobs working in here...Let's break this bitch down shall we? I meant the food on the table... I'll run down the server in the bathroom later.

Onion Rings, Chips, Fried Gizzards and Cream Corn. So, the platter gives you a bunch of fried shit... The gizzards are chopped up so small that once you batter and deep fry it it turns into nothing except extra crunchy pebbles. The hand cut chips woulda been good if there weren't all stuck together when they threw it into the fryer. The onions were quite decent and crispy. The creamed corn thinger was just weird to be placed in the center of all this fried shit... Doesn't really off set all the grease, not that it was greasy but you fuckers know what I mean. It wasn't bad it's just kinda weird to see American-ish food with the platter.

Also comes with some cold spicy noodles. I liked this. It was kinda refreshing and acted like a palate cleanser.

Half Thank U Chicken. Jesus Christ, that portion is huge... And that's only one half of it. This is their house recipe... No need to adjust the picture here... The fried chicken is suppose to be white-ish. They have an original fried chicken version that is more normal golden brown color but I wanted to see what their house fwied cheekan was... It's crispy and crunchy alright and fucking steaming hot inside. Definitely made to order which is real nice. I don't know if I'm in like with their house batter/coating because I definitely don't love it... It's kinda like a dusting and a bit powdery on the crust, not that it's like a big poof of flour or something, it's just kinda built into the crust. Speaking of the crust, it's a little bit thicker than I like it to be, not that it was bad... I just prefer a thinner crust on the KFC as with all my fried chicken. You get more crunch but you also get more coating and have to work your way into the flesh itself. It's a good KFC but not craveworthy enough for me to want it again the next day... And you will have leftovers with the amount of chicken they give you.

Half Yang Nyum Chicken (sweet & spicy sauce). The portion on the other half is just as large as the first half... They don't fuck around here, they make sure you get fed. One look and I already knew this wasn't gonna be spicy. Just because it's bright reddish orange doesn't mean it's hot... It was more on the sweet side with a hint of spicy finish. The batter/crust on this was the original fried chicken style which I kinda preferred better. Next time around, I need to try the original version alone... And maybe the ultra messy spicy fried chicken which is just loaded with a bunch of shit on top. This version is not bad but I woulda got it naked with the sauce on the side then it doesn't get all soggy and lose that all important crunch.

I like this place but I'm not rushing back week after week, either. It's not the best KFC I have had but with all the other KFC joints kinda slacking off over time, this place may be up there on the list just because they make it to order... And that on some level is more important than getting a properly executed KFC that has been sitting around under a heat lamp waiting on the order. Come to think of it, they also have a rotisserie version... Hmm, I might need to try that one as well... And the soy sauce chicken and the Korean street chicken, too. Shit, that is basically all the fried chicken they offer here. Fuck it, when the same server hands me the menu, I'll just say 'Yes, pweez." and don't give me any fucking commentary that hints at that I may be a bit rotund... The pouch is not fat, it's my gas tank to my love machine. Now, shut up and wait for me in the bathroom and I may let you twist my throttle... And no, it's not a mini bike... My stout pouch just makes everything look smaller than it is. Vroom vroom... Squirt.


3473 Old Norcross Rd
Duluth, GA 30096