Taking over the old giant Joli Kobe space comes a new tapas venture from the people behind Hammocks in way upstate Sandy Springs... It's a nicely decorated and laid out resto (Jolie Kobe did most of the work for them) with a focus on their view of Mediterranean grub. This place will become a goddamn cougar heaven with all the middle-aged hookers up in this piece because they all love tapas and shitty wine... Wait, strike that, it already is. Fuck me, this joint is just calling my pouch because the pouch needs a sugar mama and I'm willing to do what it takes to be spoiled by their ex-husbands' money, even if I have to go downtown into their abandoned overgrown lots. Speaking of lots, the parking here gets filled up rather quickly with all the other shit in this strip mall. Walked in and looked around, Jesus, where the fuck am I... Is this Lululemon? It's like all chicks here, there's enough yeast here to make bread for a year. Then I saw the bar with a bunch of bottles behind it... I'm all good now... Let's check out the tapas...
Old Fashioned. So... Ready for this shit? I don't care, I'm still gonna tell my one reader this fucked up story... So, I ask what they use for their old fashioned... The manager goes, do you prefer gin or vodka? I'm like, WHAD DA FUK... Where am I? Someone open the window because I can't breathe. Yes, there is such a thing as gin or vodka old fashioned... But that is usually found at more sophisticated cocktail bars, otherwise they will suck ass with a novice bartender... Kinda like the one at this cougar den. I watched the one bartender make my drink from afar and this thing came out. The first thing I noticed was the giant orange slice which I asked for a peel not a slice. That damn nuclear marischino cherry is standard issue and unnecessary. And the worst part was the ice, shitty tiny thin machine made ice chips that melted when you sneezed on it. Even with the Bulleit Rye in there, it tasted awful. Had to ask for more dashes of bitters just smooth it out. And what's with that glass... Jesus, let's hope the grub is better than the drinks...
Seafood Paella. So, I see their whole spiel about the paella and how it takes 30 minzies to make it and you better order it early and blah blah blah on the menu... Guess what I did? I put in an order before I even sat down. The pan came out in 5 minzies... I'm like WTF, again. It actually looked decent on first impression. Then the dissection of this creasture was initiated... Looking for the all important, socarrat. The layer of caramelized rice on the bottom of the pan, the dericious crispies that makes a paella... I found some on the first spot I hit and I'm giggling like a school girl that this could actually be executed correctly. After picking off the shellfish little by little, the rice was exposed, all wet and soggy. Scraped the bottom looking for more socarrat and I come up empty. What a fucking cock tease. It was like they cooked this pan on one side on the stove top and barely finished off in the oven with the amount of liquid remaining in there. This pan of paella was more for show than for eating... And I was squirting bits of when I got home... Fucked again.
Grouper Cheeks. This sounded great on paper... And believe it or not it was actually pretty tasty. The portion size was not large at all but it was kinda expected if they were really fish cheeks. A couple of bites does me just fine if it's executed properly.
Octopus ala Plancha. There's a lot of shit going on in there... It's like the scene when Swamp Thing was growing his new arm. Too bad, Thing dude, I'm eating your baby arm... And it was pretty good. The white bean salad thingy is all filler but it does give you that visual you're getting your money's worth.
Grilled Butcher's Steak, walnut, pomegranate, chermoula. The meat was cooked spot-on. Bright vibrant red color and pretty tender and seasoned ok... Not bad at all. Can't complain too much about it except for the plating of the meat planks and excessive juices swashbuckling around the plate.
Braised Lamb Agnolotti. Why is there so much fucking soup in there? Is this minestrone soup? This specimen was just slapped together, excessively liquidity and flavorless with pasta nuggets of what they call agnolotti. A couple or them didn't even have lamb filling in there, if it was even lamb. Just a nasty dirty sloppy dish... The cougars at the next table had it and loved it and said it was to die for... Just like your low rent white zinfandel, slut. Keep drinking and I'll bend you over the toilet in 10 minzies and make you blush like that shitty wine.
Black Pepper Pappardelle. Their vision of a black pepper pappa is to sprinkle some pre-ground black pepper on the egg. Why is all their pasta dishes so fucking liquidity? I actually watched the line cook in the back making the pasta and he was just drowning the saute pan with white wine and pasta water, then dumping the pasta in with a couple scoops of stock/sauce. The pappardelle was entirely too wide sheets of pasta that I could make my bed with it. It was like goddamn lasagna pasta. They also just threw in a couple thousand slices of raw garlic on one side... Do y'all have a fucking vampire problem up in here? The soft egg was the best part, it was actually at the soft runny stage... Even mixing the yolk up in this mess didn't help much to tighten the dish together. Do you have any Quikrete in the back? The entire dish was a let down, I shoulda just ate the egg by itself.
Guanciale Pizza, cured pork cheek, hot peppers, tomatoes. I got suckered into the 'ZA, again... I always get suckered into the 'ZA... Especially, when they use exotic words like guanciale and pork cheeks. Damn you, pouch, damn you! As you can see this was a very pathetic exhibit of how not to make a pizza... Well, besides The Comet's pizza. Why does it look like the margherita from DiGiorno's... Fresh from your grocer's freezer. The entire crust was hard and greasy (that's what she said) like Pizza Hut's pan pizza and the toppings were all flavorless and the cheese where fromunda. Skip the pizzas here, what a waste of pouch space.
Bulleit Rye. I had enough of the food and asked for a simple neat brown juice with an ice ball if they could muster one up (they called it a scotch ball)... And this is what came out... With the works. Jesus, am I at a Wawa gas station in New Jersey? I didn't ask or need all that extra service shit in there... Too bad I can't self pump here and make my own drink. Once, I took all that shit outta there it wasn't too bad to finish off the night of hits and misses.
The place is like a brothel in the GoT full of gossiping cougars and sabertooths with no idea of what's really going except in their own little world and I love their innocence and obliviousness... Makes my basket of bullshit pick up lines and stories even more believable. The resto's food and beverage program is not disgusting but it needs a good amount of work still... I watched the cooks and expediter fuck around all night long and come to think of it, maybe they really shouldn't have an open kitchen after what I have witnessed. The servers don't know anything about food or cocktails, forget about pointing out the dish on the menu to them, they are still kinda clueless on what it is that you're looking at. If you're employing only one bartender to make all the drinks in the entire place at least get one that has been around the scene and demand proper equipment and inventory to do your cocktail menu competently. Tapas sounds like a good idea if you know what you're doing but it's boring as fuck if the menu and execution is not done right during the menu development stage... What they got here is a good start but it needs to evolve... Sooner than rather later. But judging by the mob, I don't think the food is a priority right now with the squawking crowd here presently... Keep those bots of Zin flowing...
5600 Roswell Rd NE #2
Sandy Springs, GA 30342
http://corktreerestaurant.com/
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